John Farrell Gets Fired


I always knew Dave Dombrowski was a loyal reader. Less than two days after I called for John Farrell’s head, the Red Sox announced they were officially in the market for a new manager. Listen, he’s not the only one to blame. I know I made it sound like everything was his fault, but I was running solely on hatred when I wrote that. He’s the worst tactical manager in the league and can’t get the best out of any of his players on a day-to-day basis and can’t manage a clubhouse at all, but he’s not the one on the field. The fate of this team going forward still rests in the hands of a roster that clearly needs some work. They’re behind Houston, they’re behind Cleveland, and they’re probably behind the Yankees. As they’re currently constructed, they’re not going to win a World Series. That’s not Farrell’s fault, and improving the roster needs to be the chief concern this offseason, not getting a shiny new manager. Thinking that merely changing the leadership is enough to push the team over the top is asinine. I honestly don’t even care who they hire. Just give him a pop quiz about basic baseball strategy and make sure people like him. That’ll be enough for an upgrade.

Anyway, clearly I’ve got some kind of serious pull or maybe even magic powers. Like a white Lavar Ball, I’ve spoken something into existence almost immediately. What are the limits to this power? Are there limits? Guess I have to test it out. I have no choice but to issue a ton of ultimatums now.

  • Taco Bell needs to bring back Cheesy Double Beef Burritos and keep them on the goddamn menu for more than three weeks or I’ll become a Burger King guy
  • John Wick 3 needs to come out ASAP or I’ll become a Transformers guy
  • Celtics need to acquire Kevin Durant and Anthony Davis or I’ll become a Cavs fan
  • McDonald’s needs to make Mac Sauce available as a dipping sauce or I’ll become a Burger King guy
  • Chick-Fil-a needs to open a location next to my house or I’ll become a Burger King guy
  • I need to become a billionaire overnight or I’ll become a rupee guy
  • Cheez-It needs to sign me to an endorsement deal where I get free Cheez-Its for life or I’ll become a Cheese Nips guy
  • Fall weather better kick in soon or I’ll become a Mars guy
  • I need to be an NPC in the next Pokemon game or I’ll become a Digimon guy (just kidding, I already am)

If these come to pass, I may get even more ambitious. That summer blockbuster you’re looking forward to might have a new leading man. Everyone wants someone new to be good in the NBA, so maybe the Hawks get a new explosive wing player ready to take over the league. Maybe Young Sheldon gets cancelled. Who knows what could happen.

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