Month: January 2018

The Eagles Being Obsessed with LeBron vs. MJ Has Me More Confident in the Patriots than Ever

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source– The Philadelphia Eagles watch tape and look at statistics. They check for tendencies, scout the advanced numbers, see how things change when the fourth quarter comes around. And they do it all in order to prepare for … near-daily locker-room arguments about LeBron James and Michael Jordan.

“Heated. Heated, every single time,” said wide receiver Torrey Smith. “We come with stats. This is not just barbershop talk—I have looked up statistics plenty of times. The numbers favor my argument—he’s better in every single category except points per game. LeBron makes his teammates better, he plays on worse teams, and obviously he’s made it to a lot of Finals, even if he doesn’t win them all.”

When I visited the Eagles locker room during the regular season, I saw the arguments in action. I asked if the Eagles argued about hoops often, and I was told no—they just argue about Jordan vs. LeBron, nearly every day. As James continues to contend for MVPs and NBA titles well into his 30s, the debate has developed into an international hot topic. Prince Harry discussed it with Barack Obama—who is on Jordan’s side, though that may have something to do with his Chicago sports fandom. Pretty much every player in the NBA, past or present, has weighed in by now. NFL locker rooms are fairly boring places, but I have not seen a non-football argument as intense and involved as this one.

Alright, I keep saying it, but the buildup to this Super Bowl has been capital b Boring. I’m searching high and low for anything at all to talk about. I’m leaving no stone unturned and working my fingers to the bone trying to find an NFL storyline. Yeah, I could talk Alex Smith, but who cares? (On the surface it’s a fine, intermediary move for a solid QB, but signing him to 4 years $71 million guaranteed is a startlingly bad decision) All I want to do is discuss the greatness of the Patriots, but there’s just nothing new. I was about to just write “Why Tom Brady Should Win MVP, part 2.” But then this story came to my attention, and I might as well just start typing up the celebratory “Pats Win the Super Bowl Yet Again,” because there’s NO CHANCE the Patriots are going to lose to a team so concerned with debating MJ-LeBron.

Here’s where all the football purists and old school talking heads are nodding in agreement. “Yes, no one can win if you aren’t taking football 100% seriously 100% of the time. No distractions allowed.” That’s not what I’m saying. It’s good for players to have outside interests; conversations like this can build camaraderie and don’t affect practicing at all (although it’s not a coincidence you never hear about Pats’ players getting into these debates, hmmmmm). The real reason I’d be shaking in my boots if I was an Eagles’ fan is the fact that they’re still debating Mj vs. LeBron! That’s a 2016-17 argument. No one cares anymore, or, more specifically, no one cares in the months outside of May-July. The Patriots are at the forefront of the NFL. Every cutting edge scheme, every revolutionary strategy, the Pats not only have it mastered but they’ve mastered how to counteract it. And they’re playing a team who’s main concern is a debate from 8 months ago? Yikes. The Pats are all about the future and going forward. The Eagles are stuck in the past. Progress stops for no man, folks, and it would seem the Patriots are clearly going to be on the right side of history. I wonder when the Eagles will start asking how many holes a straw has. Next training camp? Maybe not until preseason. By then the Pats will have set their sights on number 7. It really just sums up the difference between the two franchises. What else can you expect out of a team from Philadelphia, though? Always five steps behind.

2017 NFL Awards

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It’s tradition that after every NFL season, independent bloggers all across the country (and I guess some in other countries, but why on earth would you ever want to care about football if you don’t live in America?) submit their own incredibly valued thoughts on who should win the various awards. The rules of casually writing about sports dictate that I make my picks before the NFL Awards Show on Saturday night lest I risk expulsion from this powerful, rich, and diverse community, so my hands are tied. I’ve got no choice but to post this. I was going to wait until Friday, but this Super Bowl buildup has been so boring I just decided to do it today. I suppose boring is better than another fabricated cheating scandal the league creates for the sole purpose of taking away Patriots draft picks and ruining their reputation (please keep telling me the NFL is rigging games for them, pleeeeeeeeeeeasssssee keep telling me that), but it’s still been boring as hell. There hasn’t even been any minor trash talk. I’m almost wishing the Pats had lost so Jalen Ramsey could provide some entertainment. Guess I’ll have to make my own entertainment by handing out the Brian’s Den NFL Awards.

I always hate when leagues postpone the awards so long after the regular season ends. I’ve pretty much already forgotten everything that happened this season already! Did anyone but the Pats and Eagles actually play a game? I assume the Browns were terrible, but that could be any year. Stop trying to make sports award shows a thing and just hand them out before the Wild Card round so we can be done with them. Forcing me to watch (just kidding, I won’t watch. Probably) another long, terrible awards show just to find out Aaron Donald is good is cruel and unusual punishment. Anyway, since I don’t remember this season anymore, this is all just straight from the gut. Luckily, my gut is never wrong.

Offensive Rookie of the Year- Alvin Kamara, New Orleans Saints

Kareem Hunt is also an acceptable answer, seeing as how leading the league in rushing as a rookie is typically considered to be a good thing, but, factoring in kick return yardage, Kamara actually had more all-purpose yards and more total touchdowns than Hunt. He’s also one of the rare players that actually make football fun again. He’s a freak athlete that can take it to the house in literally any situation, and, seeing as how he had over 100 fewer touches than Hunt, I’d be willing to bet Kamara will be the one we still talk about five years from now. Kamara had a special, special season and is one of the reasons Drew Brees fought off Father Time for another year.

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Defensive Rookie of the Year- Marshon Lattimore, New Orleans Saints

Decent draft for the Saints I guess. This is honestly the only award with more than one legitimate candidate, and if you ask me tomorrow I’ll say there’s no question Tre’Davious White is the clear DROY. Cornerback play is so difficult to judge, and the fact that two rookies consistently ranked in the top five on PFF’s positional rankings all year tells you all you need to know. Lattimore gets the edge because, without actually doing any research (what, you think I’m a professional or something?), I’m going to say he had to face a tougher schedule of wide receivers. And he plays for a real franchise.

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Coach of the Year- Sean McVay, Los Angeles Rams

There’s no one that disagrees with this, right?

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Comeback Player of the Year- Keenan Allen, Los Angeles Chargers

I’ve always been a Keenan Allen guy, so I was quite happy to see him stay healthy for a full season for once. The guy’s just money. He’s always had the talent and is always productive when he’s actually healthy, he’s just had the worst luck of all time. People forget how good he really is (I know everyone knows he’s good, it’s called building a straw man to prove a point. Read a book about sports debating one time). And now you can’t call me a homer because I could have easily just picked Gronk.

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Defensive Player of the Year- Aaron Donald, Los Angeles Rams

You can keep your Harrison Smiths and your Calais Campbells, I’ll take one of the five greatest defensive players of all time who may or may not have reached his prime yet.

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Most Valuable Player and Offensive Player of the Year- Tom Brady, New England Patriots

It always felt asinine to me when different people won MVP and offensive player of the year. With the notable exceptions of Alan Page, Lawrence Taylor, and Mark Mosely, every MVP has played offense. So how can someone be recognized as being the best and most valuable player in the league but not be the best offensive player in the league? How does that make sense? Trick question- it doesn’t. So, assuming my pick plays offense, my MVP and OPOY will be the same person. I love Aaron Donald. As I said, he’s one of the five greatest defensive players ever. He’s not MVP. So that leaves the offensive frontrunners, so let’s go process of elimination. Antonio Brown is the best receiver in the league by a wide margin. You put him on the Browns and they still win precisely 0 games. Todd Gurley is a special player who had an awesome season. If you think he’s more valuable to his team than the top QBs you’re an idiot. Quarterback is the most important position in the NFL, and probably all of sports. Period. A great QB is worth more than virtually the entire rest of the roster put together. Yes, going from Jeff Fisher to McVay was a massive coaching upgrade that helped every offensive player, but do you think it was a coincidence that Gurley was terrible last year and good this year, mirroring the development of quarterback Jared Goff? I think not. A quarterback should pretty much always win MVP, regardless of how much you dislike him. So, all that remains are Tom Brady and Carson Wentz, who, despite missing the last three and a half games of the season, is still generating MVP buzz and was talked about as a lock before the injury. I know the playoffs shouldn’t factor in and that the voting already happened, but holding the awards after the playoffs happen mean that, you know, everyone sees the playoffs, so they factor in. And it completely locks up both awards for Brady. Down 10 in the fourth quarter against the best defense in the league without Gronk, Edelman, or any semblance of a run game, Tom Brady singlehandedly beat the Jaguars. It was literally 100% Brady. The Eagles completely dominated the second best team in the NFC without the supposed league MVP. Nick Foles played one of the great games by a quarterback this season. You know how many people can do Brady’s job? At age 40? You know how many other QBs would have won last Sunday under those circumstances? None. Zero. Not one other player in the NFL can do what Brady does. Apparently just about anyone can do enough of what Carson Wentz does to win games by a million. And people are asking who’s more valuable? I get people hate him and are upset that he’s still the best player in the league, but Brady is still the best player in the league. And because everyone’s got such an axe to grind with the Pats, he’s got two MVPs. Think about that. The best quarterback of all time, on the precipice of a completely unprecedented sixth Super Bowl win, has won two MVPs. We should be embarrassed at that. The country as a whole is so bitter and so desperate to get the Pats out of the way that we let Matt Ryan win an MVP. We let Peyton Manning win a thousand MVPs before losing in the first round every year. We give Aaron Rodgers MVP love like it’s going out of style, and the only team that he ever did anything with was probably his worst. Tom Brady has failed to win ten games in a season twice in his career, the most recent time happening in 2008. When he threw 11 passes before blowing out his knee. He’s missed the playoffs one time in a year where he started every game. One. Time. He’s top five in every meaningful passing stat. He’s arguably the most clutch athlete to ever live. He’s never had anything resembling a disappointing season and is always the best player on the best team. And he has two MVP awards because everyone is jealous of the fact that the Patriots have figured out a way to stay excellent in an era meant to prevent such dynasties from forming. Think about that for a second. You, yes, you reading this right now, have let your blind, irrational rage prevent you from enjoying a remarkable career that will certainly never happen again. You let your ravenous desire for new blood in the AFC control your mind, and now you believe that a league that lead one of the most egregious witch hunts in the history of mankind against a shining example of integrity, perseverance, competitiveness, and work ethic is now rigging games to have that same man succeed. Think about the fact that, after Sunday, Tom Brady will have played in the Super Bowl more often than Drew Brees has made the playoffs. Think about the fact that the greatest player in NFL history has two MVPs. I hope you’re ashamed of yourself. Because I certainly am.

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What’s Up with the Way People Unwrap Candy in Commercials?

Maybe I’m just going stir-crazy from the as-of-yet terribly boring buildup to the Super Bowl, but this weekend I was thinking about random things that annoy me and the number one culprit was the way commercials present the candy unwrapping procedure. Namely, for some unknown reason, they always show people just ripping off one end of the wrapper, with the end result looking something like this:

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Why do they think anyone opens their candy that way? Who the hell does this? What kind of monster just tears one end of the wrapper away? Do these advertising companies have no etiquette? I mean not to pick on Snickers or anything but they’re a pretty huge culprit.

Like what even is that? What actual people open candy bars like that? Is it even possible? There’s no perforated edge or anything that makes it easy to discard the top end of the wrapper like Aaron Donald shedding a block. I don’t think the Incredible Hulk could do that if you handed him a Snickers. That’s why I had to try it myself.

As you can see, that kind of tear not only isn’t practical, it’s not even achievable with human hands. I’m sick of candy companies treating the public like a bunch of simpletons that don’t understand you can’t open candy like that. Have some respect for the consumer! Willem Dafoe can’t open it like that in real life. Betty White isn’t performing superhuman feats of strength. Every Snickers commercial should be preceded by a WWE-style “Don’t Try This At Home” PSA to prevent people from blowing their elbows and shoulders out trying to look cool in front of their friends. Of all the stupid marketing ploys in the food industry, the top-of-the-wrapper rip might be the most asinine and unrealistic.

UConn Men’s Basketball Being Investigated for Potential Recruiting Violations

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ESPN– The University of Connecticut is the target of an NCAA investigation into its men’s basketball program.

University President Susan Herbst said in a statement Friday that the school will cooperate in a “thorough and transparent manner reflective of the model athletic and academic institution we continually strive to be.”

The university didn’t specify the allegations and said it would have no further comment, but would “address and respond appropriately as the inquiry moves forward.”

Hearst Connecticut Media, which first reported the investigation, cited unidentified sources saying the inquiry was related to recruiting.

Letttt’sssssssssssss goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! I know I should react differently to my alma mater getting dragged into a potentially serious recruiting scandal, but I can’t help it. I guarantee this is just another case of a player taking a bunch of money. Oh no, not that! How can I possibly live with the moral implications of supporting a team that pays the players that produce millions of dollars of revenue for the school? I’d never recover.

Listen, theoretically, cheating is bad. I don’t really care, personally, and literally every single college basketball and football team that’s worth anything gives the top level recruits bags of unmarked bills, but hey, if you want to feel good about yourself you can say cheating is bad. You know what’s definitely bad? Being barely over .500 in the American Conference and, barring some miracle, missing the NCAA Tournament two out of the last three years. Kevin Ollie SUCKS. His “offense” is grade-school level at best. No UConn player has actually gotten better in their time in Storrs since Shabazz Napier, who, you know, wasn’t coached by Ollie until his senior season. His excuse for every loss is that the team isn’t “tough enough.” He never takes responsibility for his terrible game-planning and in-game “strategy,” despite the fact that he’s the coach and it’s his job to put the team in position to win, thus making virtually every loss his fault. And while I understand how many injuries there have been this season and the limitations being stuck in the AAC puts on the recruiting pool, but it’s also his fault the roster is trash. It’s literally 100% his fault UConn basketball sucks, which it never should. Which is why this potential scandal pumps me up. I’ve seen that the state of Connecticut doesn’t really want to pay his buyout and another coach at the same time. Well, virtually every big time university puts in some kind of “rules violation clause” that allows them to dump a coach caught up in something like this, so we just have to keep our fingers crossed that whatever happened happened under his watch. I don’t even care who the replacement coach is, because any organism capable of independent thought would be an upgrade. A scandal like this also gets UConn’s name back out there. The R.J. Barretts and Zion Williamsons of the world aren’t thinking about a mediocre team in a mediocre conference with a mediocre roster with a less than mediocre coach. But when it’s confirmed that you get paid to play there? Now we’re talking. Now there’s some intrigue. Now they’re thinking, “well, I used to question why I would spend my one year in college on a remote campus in the middle of Connecticut that’s surrounded by farmland and becomes a giant wind tunnel in the winter, but now that they’ve given me $100,000 and a new car, I’m sold!” One and done guys don’t care about getting caught, and nor should they. Once the penalties have run their course, this little scandal can only help UConn return to relevancy. So please, NCAA, do your worst.

Anyone Who Thinks Daniel Day-Lewis is Really Retiring is a Fool

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Following the announcement of this year’s Oscar nominations yesterday morning, I figured I’d check out Phantom Thread. It picked up a ton of nominations and was one of the few prestige movies I hadn’t seen yet. Simple enough (yes, I went to the movie theater while sick, which means I not only helped the theater industry, but the struggling medical industry as well. The more people I get sick, the more people have to go to the doctor. Ipso facto, I should get a cut of all medical bills for the next week or so). Only problem was, this being a fancy movie, it wasn’t showing at either of my go-to joints and I had to go to an unknown theater. I’m not using hyperbole when I say they had the worst seats of all time. It was like sitting on a 2×4 that was on top of a bunch of bricks. And let me tell you, this was not the right movie to watch in an uncomfortable seat. It was typical Paul Thomas Anderson- pretty slow, kinda boring, pretentious, a little weird, but satisfying nonetheless. It was a 2 hour movie that felt like 20. I would have run out of the theater when the end credits rolled if my back wasn’t damaged beyond repair.

Anyway, that’s not the point of this. The main draw for Phantom Thread is, of course, Daniel Day-Lewis. Not only is he fantastic yet again doing a cross between Woody Allen and Larry David as the brilliantly named Reynolds Woodcock, but this is billed to be his final role. That’s right, DDL, the GOAT, the Method Man, the craziest person who ever lived, is hanging them up. Whether or not he ends his legendary career ends with a stunning fourth Oscar is yet to be seen, but it doesn’t even matter. His legacy is set in stone either way. Has been since Last of the Mohicans. He’ll long be remembered as one of the greatest actors to ever live. I’m just sad to see it end. Or rather, I would be if it was actually ending.

If you’re convinced DDL is done, then I’ve got an offshore bank account with 5 million dollars in it that I’ll split with you once I use your social security number to access it. There is absolutely NO CHANCE this guy is done. For starters, he retires after every movie. Take on look at the trivia section of his iMDb page. They had to drag him out of exile to make Gangs of New York! That came out in 2002! Every time he makes a movie he does his method bit, needs some time off to decompress, then comes back when he realizes he has nothing else. He’s a trained cobbler and wanted to be a cabinet maker. Would you rather make shoes and cabinets or be an actor who gets relentlessly showered with praise and awards every time you make a movie? Man, that’s a tough choice. I have no idea what I’d go with. But then again, I have my own motivations and personality. Daniel Day-Lewis doesn’t. I honestly don’t think there’s a real Daniel Day-Lewis. The being we call Daniel Day-Lewis is merely a husk; an empty vessel in the shape of a man. Its only purpose is to channel the spirit of greater, (mostly) terrible men. The crazy stories that come out about its on-set behavior are seen as comical dedication to the Method, but in reality that’s just how the characters he’s channeling would react if put in the same position. DDL physically and emotionally becomes the characters he’s playing. The meek, milquetoast wallflower you see sticking to the perimeter of the red carpet is merely the being taking efforts to avoid interactions when not hosting a more interesting personality. He’s not a real person. Supposedly he has two children and I can’t imagine having a worse father. One day you’re hanging out with quiet, unassuming dad and the next Bill the Butcher is ruining your birthday party by killing five of your friends for looking at him the wrong way. There’s a 0% chance those kids have a normal relationship with him. I’d be surprised if he even knew their names he’s adopted so many different personalities over the years. I give him two years. Two years of being “Daniel Day-Lewis,” making shoes with a family he doesn’t know that undoubtedly resents him and being the most boring person of all time before he realizes he needs to come back. I flat-out refuse to believe he’s actually retired. When he wins his sixth Oscar 15 years from now, I’ll try not to say I told you so.

2018 NBA All Star Reserves

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First off, I’d like to make it known that I am battling what appears to be the onset of a pretty nasty cold/flu, so it’s courageous that I’m even writing this at all. It’s true that not all heroes wear capes, because I’m certainly not sporting anything resembling one. Whatever- as we all know, pain is just weakness leaving the body. Better to get this sickness out of the way now so I come out of the woods stronger for the Super Bowl and All Star Weekend. Speaking of All Star Weekend, after last Thursday’s All Star starter revelation, the reserves are being announced tonight. I made my starter picks on Thursday as well, and keen-eyed readers will notice that I did not, in fact, get them 100% correct. I’m not too beat up about it since, in my mind, Embiid and Cousins were locks to make the team, anyway. So as long as my two guys still make it, the NBA can consider it water under the bridge. But, in the immortal words of Stephen A. Smith, you don’t want to make an enemy out of me. Put in Horford and Towns or else! Anyway, here are the only legitimate selections for the All Star reserves in 2017-18.

East

  • Victor Oladipo, Indiana Pacers– I imagine he’s got Most Improved locked up already, and well deserved. He’s singlehandedly made the Pacers decent (which, depending on your point of view, could actually be a bad thing), and could easily have been named a starter. He’s a stone cold lock.
  • Kyle Lowry, Toronto Raptors– I get that no one takes the Human Peach Emoji or the Raptors seriously, but there’s a reason they have the second best record in the conference. Yes, DeRozan is their best player, but Lowry is just as important. He’s one of the best point guard defenders in the league, knocks down 3s, is a tough rebounder, and just generally makes the team better. I’m not saying they’ll make the Finals or anything, but the 6 deserves two All Stars again.
  • Al Horford, Boston Celtics– Already covered.
  • Kristaps Porzingis, New York Knicks– He’s been iiiicccccccccceee cold lately, but the body of work is still there. Finally freed from the shackles of Carmelo Anthony, Kristaps became the number one option on a team devoid of scoring. His field goal percentage isn’t great, but he’s also the only guy on the team that can even come close to creating their own shot on a regular basis. He also leads the league in blocks and is a 7’3″ person who handles the ball and shoots 3s. Plus, there would be a riot in New York if he wasn’t named.
  • Andre Drummond, Detroit Pistons– I get that the team is terrible, but every East team is terrible so it’s okay. Drummond leads the league in rebounding and brought his free throw shooting from “worst in the history of basketball” to “just plain bad,” which means he can actually play the whole game now. Going back to the rebounding, I feel like everyone is just glossing over the fact that he’s getting 15 a game. 15 a game is pretty darn impressive, and the fact that he has to play with Reggie Jackson shouldn’t be held against him. Also, I don’t know if you knew this, but I went to UConn. At the same time as Drummond. It’s almost like we’re friends.
  • Bradley Beal, Washington Wizards– With John Wall having an injury-plagued and weirdly lethargic season, Beal finally makes his All Star debut after a couple years of being left on the outside looking in. Listen, the Wizards stink and I’m glad they stink, but don’t blame Beal. He’s been filling it up all season and playing better D than he ever has. He’s shooting a bizarrely low percentage from 3 for a guy with one of the three most perfect jumpers in the league, but that can’t keep him out.
  • Ben Simmons, Philadelphia 76ers– If I could name Erik Spoelstra or the Heat’s Miami Vice jerseys to the team, I would. The Heat piecing together a top-4 record on the strength of a bunch of weird lineups and grit is one of the best stories of the year, but I just can’t see them having an All Star. Goran Dragic comes closest, but his numbers aren’t even his career best. So, I decided to give it to Simmons, because why the hell not? It’d be more fun to have another freak athlete generational passer in the game. He’s a rookie averaging 16-8-7. I’d call that pretty decent.

West

  • Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City Thunder– It’s somehow gone under the radar that he’s almost averaging a triple double again this season.
  • Klay Thompson, Golden State Warriors– Second greatest shooter of all time having his best shooting season? Yes please.
  • Karl-Anthony Towns, Minnesota Timberwolves– Already covered.
  • Draymond Green, Golden State Warriors– Yes, all four Warriors make it. That’s what happens when you’re one of the greatest teams of all time. The reigning DPOY should probably win it again this year, and he’s the Warriors best passer. You don’t have to like him, but you have to respect him.
  • LaMarcus Aldridge, San Antonio Spurs– Somehow the Spurs keep on keeping on, and Aldridge turning back into Blazers Aldridge is the biggest non-Pop reason. He’s tying the highest offensive rating of his career and is in the middle of the West’s best defense. Without Kawhi, Aldridge is the annual Spurs representative.
  • Jimmy Butler, Minnesota Timberwolves– I know I was staunchly anti-Jimmy in the offseason, but that was only in regards to the Celtics selling the farm to acquire him. But as long as a different team went all in on him, I like him. And, so far, I’d have to say the Wolves are pretty happy with their investment. He’s just a junkyard dog on both ends of the floor. I think he could play 3 games in one day. He’s changed the proverbial culture in Minnesota.
  • Paul George, Oklahoma City Thunder– Apologies to Damian Lillard, who I genuinely feel bad for. If he was in the East or born five years earlier or later he’d have a million All Star and All NBA appearances, but, alas, he’s stuck being the fifth best guard in the West. He might make the team this year, but I like George. He’s shooting a career high 3 point percentage and, in my opinion, has been the best perimeter defender in the league this season. Aside from his low field goal percentage, PG can claim the prestigious honor of being the only player Russell Westbrook has ever made better.

I Think the Patriots Have Taken 20 Years Off My Life

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First of all, I’d like to acknowledge the fact that no one wants to hear me, a Patriots fan, complain about playoff games that my team wound up winning. So, kudos to me for recognizing that. Now, on to the complaining.

I’m assuming you watched the Patriots game on Sunday. You must have, since it was the AFC Championship Game. Did you know it was the Pats’ 7th straight? I almost didn’t tune in because they’re so commonplace to me and I already knew what the result would be. Honestly, I wish I hadn’t watched because, once again, the Pats dragged me through the emotional ringer. Got dominated early. Pats were crawling around in the dirt bleeding out, begging to be put out of their misery, but, of course, the Jags take a knee with 55 seconds to go in the first half even though they had two timeouts. When they did that I knew what was going to happen and it was still a super stressful half. And it’s easy to sit there and say I should expect a comeback by now since it’s happened so often and that I should be desensitized to early leads, but that’s just not in my nature. I live to emotionally check out of games as early as possible. I was practically begging the Jags to step on their throat, just like I was hoping the Falcons would keep pouring it on. If the Pats lose I’d rather it be by 30 than 3. Yeah, it’s embarrassing, but at least I’ve been mentally prepared for it since the second quarter. But nooo. Other teams get so scared of having the lead that they just give the game away. If a team goes on a run of unanswered points on the Pats their sideline goes crazy like they just won the Super Bowl, but then the Pats score and all of a sudden they panic. It’d be like 45-3 and the Pats score going into the half and you just know the other team is going to spend the entire half talking about how they’re going to blow it. And of course the Pats gladly oblige. Winning a million championships is awesome and everything (I highly recommend it), but maybe win a game by a comfortable margin every now and then? Is thinking of my health too much to ask?

And this Jags game didn’t have to go this way at all. The Pats don’t lose to the Jags. Everyone in America knew what was going to happen the whole game. Pats just flat out don’t lose to teams like the Jags or the Falcons or the Eagles. They just don’t. They lose to teams like the Giants, Broncos, and Ravens who either have rich histories of being good or have been good pretty much every year since they got out of the expansion phase. Fake teams like the Jags don’t win in Gillette in January. The Jags beat sorry teams like the Steelers, not the Pats. The Falcons beat loser QBs like Aaron Rodgers, not the Pats. There was a 0% chance the Pats were actually going to lose their last, like five playoff games and they found ways to make them interesting. Maybe instead of toying with the poor people of Jacksonville, just win by a lot and save everyone the trouble? No disrespect to the Jags, who I like and wish continued success, but they just weren’t going to win. Especially when they started playing scared and playing not to lose. Like what if the Pats just start the game in hurry up, pass every down, and score at will in the first quarter instead of the fourth? I don’t know, just spitballing here. I know better than to question Belichick. And I know Brady only truly becomes Brady when he’s down multiple scores late, but how about for the Super Bowl we find out happens when they play with a huge lead? Maybe? Probably not. I’d bet my life on the Eagles leading at the half and the Pats winning another nailbiter. Oh well. If I die early, at least I can say I rooted for the greatest.

NFL Championship Game Picks

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The Final Four. The last teams standing after a grueling 2017-18 season. Jaguars. Patriots. Vikings. Eagles. A murderer’s row of historically successful NFL teams. There’s a little bit of everything this weekend: a fast, fun, trash talking and playmaking defense in Jacksonville, a potential team of destiny in Minnesota, a “nobody believes in us” one seed in Philly, and the Pats. Two juicy, intriguing matchups that theoretically go either way. Well, they could go either way if you don’t already know what’s going to happen. Luckily, I do, so you can rest easy placing bets on Sunday if you simply follow my sage advice. This is the last day with more than one football game until September, so savor it. Maybe order an extra pizza or a dozen more wings than you usually get. It has to last two weeks, after all. There’s a lot to talk about with each of these games, so might as well dive right in.

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. New England Patriots (-8)

Until Wednesday, this was looking like just another AFC Championship Game for the Pats. Seven in a row, ho-hum. The only possible talking point was some manufactured drama about whether or not the Pats’ typical “our opponent is the greatest team of all time” speech was genuine or not. But then disaster struck and Tom Brady picked up a mysterious hand injury that is either brilliant gamesmanship or a serious injury that may have a dramatic impact on the game. I’m inclined to go with the latter. Belichick never gives anything away, so his dismissive press conference was no cause for alarm, but Brady’s?

Yikes. That doesn’t sound like someone who definitely doesn’t have a hand injury. I’m hoping him wearing those gloves all day are just a way to boost the Under Armour #brand, but my brain is telling me otherwise. It sounds pretty obvious and reductive to say, but I think this game will be pretty obvious after the first Patriots drive. Quarterbacks can’t exactly hide a throwing hand injury. If he’s feeling good and can make all the throws he usually does, I don’t think the Jags will stand a chance. The Jags’ D is excellent, yes, but it’s far from invincible. They’ve given up 40+ points twice in the last four games. They have absolutely nothing for Gronk that doesn’t involve repeated hits to his head and knees. And all this talk about the Jags’ d, but guess who allowed the fifth fewest points per game in the NFL? Did you guess the Pats? I hope so because that’s the answer. The lowly Patriots who can’t stop a nosebleed don’t allow points. Who’d a thunk it? Don’t know if you’ve heard this before, but Belichick takes away what you do best. You think he’s gonna let Bortles start scrambling around, moving the chains, and chucking deep? Something tells me no. A healthy Brady means another Super Bowl appearance that will probably take another five years off my life. But that’s the other side of the coin. If the hand isn’t right, if he can’t grip the ball or the throws are all over the place or if the keep cutting to him and the trainer working on the hand on the sideline things might get a little hairy. Jags get an early stop or early pick, get out to a lead, then the feeding frenzy is on. Or if, god forbid, Brian Hoyer has to come in you know the Jags D will have stars in their eyes. Brady is an irreplaceable superstar, so if he’s not 100% the Pats are going to struggle. That’s really the only chance the Jags have, to be honest. So, if possible, wait until after the first Pats drive to put in your bet. It should be clear right away. Healthy= Pats cover, hurt= Jags cover. But, since I need to make a pick and I’m a homer, I’m going to pray he’s healthy.

Pick: Pats -8

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Minnesota Vikings (-3.5) at Philadelphia Eagles

If you were paying attention last week or on Tuesday, you know I teased this game as the ultimate matchup of Loser DNA. Once again, no Wentz means you can kind of throw out the numbers. These are the two best defenses in the NFC by almost any measure, anyway. It’s going to be ugly and low scoring. One play will decide it. Which is where the Loser DNA comes in. It won’t be who makes the play. It’ll be who gives it up. And one team is working with a much, much worse case of LDNA than the other. Philly fans are, by nature, pessimistic and quick to predict doom. But they don’t really have all that many terrible losses. Matter of fact, most memorable Eagles moments I can think of wind up with the Birds on top. They don’t really have the crushing losses, they’re just always kind of bad. Sure, McNabb and Reid should have won a Super Bowl, but that’s it. That’s not a cosmically bad case of LDNA. That’s the kind of LDNA that can be overcome. The Eagles are the exact kind of team that can still win a championship and escape decades of losing because it doesn’t seem like the universe is against them. They just haven’t won yet. The Vikings, on the other hand. Last week I said they would beat the Saints and be heavily favored in the NFC Championship and blow it because that’s the the Vikings do. Then they blew the lead on the Saints and I thought, well, this is what the Vikings do, too, so I guess I can live with being wrong. But then they pull off one of the luckiest, most stunning game winning plays in NFL history. It might have been the loudest stadium of all time. Reaction videos came pouring in. Tortured Vikings fans saying all those years of heartbreak were worth it. That surely they were going to the Super Bowl now. A Super Bowl in their home stadium, if you hadn’t heard. Vikings fans’ hope has never been higher. Last week I said the Vikings would beat the Saints then lose to an inferior opponent because that’s what the Vikings do. This week I’m saying losing a very winnable NFC Championship Game against Nick Foles with the first ever home team Super Bowl berth on the line after pulling of a miraculous victory that got every Vikings fan to buy in is such a certainty that I might take out ten different loans so I can bet every possible penny on the Eagles. It’s just what the Vikings do.

Pick: Eagles +3.5

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NBA All Star Starters Are Announced Tonight

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So either they moved the date up to coincide with the earlier start of the season or I’m just getting old and senile and can’t remember things anymore, but it feels like they’re announcing the All Star Starters at least a week earlier than they normally do. Either way, it’s happening tonight. After years of stupefying fan voting results that drew a line in the sand between people saying “it’s a game for the fans, who cares?” and people with brains who pointed out that they use All Star Game starts and appearances when building Hall of Fame cases, so maybe it’s not a good thing that Yao is leading the fan voting after playing five games, the league finally scaled back the weight of fan votes and gave the players and coaches a say, too. And, of course, there’s this year’s new format: no more East vs. West. The top vote-getters from each conference will select their squads from the pool of All Stars (selected in the same process as always), with the voted-on Starters being divided equally to ensure that they, you know, start. In an atypically head-scratching move from the usually savvy NBA, the All Star draft won’t be televised. Huh? What’s the point of the draft if you can’t see it happening live? How is the NBA seriously going to pass up this chance for some easy ratings? If you got all the All Stars in a room and had (presumably) LeBron and Steph go back and forth taking guys, you’re telling me nothing TV-worthy would happen? What if Steph rigs it so LeBron has to pick Kyrie? Will Westbrook try and persuade his captain to avoid KD? Who’s getting picked last? If the NBA made this pay-per-view I wouldn’t hesitate to hand the NBA a blank check. Not televising this is an NHL-level move. Such a wasted opportunity, and it doesn’t sound like Adam Silver is in any hurry to change it. SMH. Anyway, here’s who should (not who will, but who should) be named as the ten starters tonight.

East

  • Kyrie Irving, Boston Celtics– The good thing about doing this is that the cases for who should be starting pretty much build themselves. Kyrie’s numbers are pretty much the same as last year’s, but if you actually watch the Celtics play you know he’s gotten better. He’s trying on defense, meshing well in a new offense, and is always money in the clutch. He’s lead the Celtics to the best record in the East and will undoubtedly get voted as a starter.
  • DeMar DeRozan, Toronto Raptors– If you told me in 2010 that DeMar DeRozan was about to be named to his fourth All Star Game, I would have said you were crazy. Guy just keeps getting better. His playmaking is at an all time high and he’s raised his 3-point shooting from Tony Allen level to “at least pretend to guard him out there,” which is a bigger leap than you might think. Raptors look better than ever, which means their playoff loss will be more disappointing than ever.
  • LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers– Is this guy any good?
  • Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks– I’m lot lying when I say I spelled his name right on the first try and I’m very proud of it. For all the talk of “once he gets a jumper, watch out,” it’s beginning to look like he may not even need one.
  • Al Horford, Boston Celtics– I know I’m a homer, but Al deserves it. The haters and losers will say he’s only averaging 13 and 8, but they’re ignoring the career-best 3-point percentage and over 5 assists per game. He’s the ultimate glue player. Actually, he’s not even a glue guy. He’s like an epoxy guy. He fills in all the gaps for the East’s best team on offense and defense. He makes the offense go with his passing, positioning, and efficient shooting, and is the anchor of the conference’s stingiest defense. I’m sure Embiid will get the vote, and he certainly deserves a roster spot, but I think Horford has done enough as the most important player on the best team to earn a start.

West

  • Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors– I feel like people forget how good Steph is. If he makes his next five shots he’ll be at 50-40-90 for the season, and since he returned from injury he’s been scorching-magma hot. There are people who don’t think he’s one of the five best players in the league, remember that.
  • James Harden, Houston Rockets– So tempting to put Lou Williams here, but as long as Harden is healthy, the spot’s his. He’s played 35 games compared to 42+ for everyone else and is still third in the league in total points and shooting career high percentages from the field.
  • Kevin Durant, Golden State Warriors– Absurdly efficient and one of the leading candidates for Defensive Player of the Year? Yikes.
  • Anthony Davis, New Orleans Pelicans– You could really take either one of the Pelicans’ Big 2 here and I’d be fine with it, but I think Davis is just a little better. He’s scoring at will, ruthlessly efficient, and is third in the league in blocks. Plus, no one puts up absurd statlines quite like AD.
  • Karl-Anthony Towns, Minnesota Timberwolves– Absolutely impossible pick. Splitting the thinnest of hairs. I could easily be talked into putting Jimmy Butler, LaMarcus Aldridge, DeMarcus Cousins, or Draymond Green in over Towns, but, in my mind, KAT is still the number one pick in the “what young player would you build around” draft. He’s had one of the greatest starts to a career (offensively) of any big guy ever, and he has a career high offensive rating this year. He’s absurd. You know what else is absurd? He’s playing solid defense now, too. Jimmy Butler is rightly getting a lot of credit for turning the Wolves into a top four team in the West, but Towns continuing to evolve and improve is the real driving force behind the team. Put him in the All Star Game, already!