Author: Brian

You didn’t really think the Bills were going to go 6-2, right? Like, have you followed an NFL season before? If so, you not only saw last night’s crushing loss coming, but you can also see exactly how the second half of the season is going to go for the Bills. What I don’t understand is how the media falls for it every year. Each and every year the Bills get off to a blistering start, and every year it’s “this is the year they put it together.” Newsflash- it isn’t. There’s a reason they haven’t made the playoffs since 1999. They have Loser DNA. I’ve mentioned it before, but it baffles me that more people can’t see Loser DNA right away. The Bills have more Loser DNA than regular DNA. Did people actually think the Falcons, the Atlanta Falcons, would beat the Pats? The Suns, the Sacramento Kings, the Capitals, the Jets, the Vikings, the Bengals, there are so many teams that are never good and will never be good, and people fall for them hook, line, and sinker every year. The Bills STINK. The Pats gained ground on their division on their bye week yet again, an underrated tradition during the Brady-Belichick regime. If you take the Bills seriously as a contender, you’re just a moron. Unfortunately, no fun holiday gimmick this week, just plain, boring NFL takes. Lame, I know.

Denver Broncos at Philadelphia Eagles (-8)

T-Minus two days until the Brocket Ship lifts off, bitches! Can’t wait to watch horrendously inaccurate passes, negligible pocket awareness, and lots and lots of sacks, gonna be great. That Brock is somehow viewed as better than Trevor Siemian should be enough to force the NFL’s greatest Northwestern alum since Mike Kafka to consider retirement. Still, this is a bit of a tough game. You should never back Brock, but the Eagles have won 6 in a row. You want to talk Loser DNA, well the entire city of Philadelphia has it. Something has to go wrong, eventually. Blowing an easily winnable game against one of the best defenses in the league seems like a good place to start.

Pick: Broncos +8

Los Angeles Rams (-3.5) at New York Giants

Literally the only reason this won’t just be a complete walkover is that the Rams are coming East to play a 1 p.m. game. Don’t know if you’ve ever heard that reasoning before.

Pick: Rams -3.5

Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans

No line yet after the shocking news that wunderkind quarterback Deshaun Watson blew his knee out in practice and will miss the rest of the season. Pretty big downer for those of us that love blowouts and absurd stats, because Watson vs. this Colts defense was probably going to be one of the biggest mismatches of the entire NFL season. Alas, now we get to watch Tom Savage bang his head into a wall for 60 minutes. Practice injuries always remind me of my own football career. I “played” in high school, and I put played in parentheses because I rarely saw the field. I had some talent, but rather than do things like stay in shape or practice hard, I ate McDonald’s and played video games. No, I don’t regret it. That much. So, yeah, I didn’t make the NFL, but I also didn’t blow my knee out in practice, so who’s the real winner?

Pick: Texans I guess?

Tampa Bay Bucs at New Orleans Saints (-7)

I feel like I’m kind of in a rut right now where I’m just going with opposite logic. The Saints are on fire and at home. The Bucs are ice cold and have a banged up QB that might not be good when he’s healthy, anyway. So why am I considering taking the Bucs? Is it crazy? This could easily be a 35-17 drubbing. Actually, you’re right. I’m overthinking this.

Pick: Saints -7

Atlanta Falcons (-2) at Carolina Panthers

This is a solemn promise: I will never pick the Falcons when they’re favored as long as Matt Ryan still draws breath in this world.

Pick: Panthers +2

Baltimore Ravens at Tennessee Titans (-3.5)

This game is going to suuuuuuuuuuck. Remind why the Titans, who currently have a -15 point differential, are favored against the Ravens, who, despite being absolutely unwatchable on offense, still have one of the stingier defenses in the league and have a history of winning games they have no business winning? Titans are bad.

Pick: Ravens +3.5

Cincinnati Bengals at Jacksonville Jaguars (-6)

I regret to report that one of the most impressive and unprecedented runs of success in history is over. For the first time all season, I failed to spell Cincinnati correctly on the first try. I don’t know what to say other than I let everybody down. To quote Clayton Kershaw, maybe one day I won’t fail. Until then, I’ll just try to get better.

Pick: Jags -6

Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks (-7.5)

It’s that time of year where Russell Wilson starts averaging 400 yards per game despite a pitiful offensive line, just in time to welcome a battered and bruised Washington team that is just dying to get blown out. Redskins don’t have a great history of going west, anyway.

Pick: Seahawks -7.5

Arizona Cardinals (-2) at San Francisco 49ers

Didn’t these two just play? Or do are both teams so bad they just blend together and it seems like they’re always playing each other. Unfortunately, no Jimmy G to salvage some watchability, so avoid this at all costs (my take on the trade: I think I like it. 49ers 2nd round pick is essentially a first round pick, so flipping a guy that went at the end of the 2nd round for an early 2nd rounder is a win. And, I mean, I love Jimmy, but he’s played a game and a half in three years. Does anyone actually know how good he is? He could be a star, he could be Matt Cassell. I’ll trust Bill Belichick’s judgement when it comes to personnel moves. They weren’t going to be able to resign him, so getting a great pick for him is as good of a deal as you can ask for).

Pick: 49ers +2

Kansas City Chiefs at Dallas Cowboys (-2)

I don’t understand this Zeke Elliot situation whatsoever. I don’t get why this suspension won’t stick, I don’t get why Brady couldn’t get this same deal, I don’t even remember what the suspension was for in the first place. This whole thing is just a big fiasco that’s probably never going to end. This game also might never end because no one’s going to stop anyone. This feels like a game the Cowboys win and get the “are the Cowboys Super Bowl contenders” conversation going again.

Pick: Cowboys -2

Oakland Raiders (-3) at Miami Dolphins

I’ve got a laundry basket full of clean clothes that I’ve been putting off folding, looks like Sunday night is a good time to do it!

Pick: Raiders -3

Detroit Lions (-3) at Green Bay Packers

Are the Lions capable of winning a game they should win on the road by more than three points? I really don’t know. They’re actually better on the road than at home, but they’re and NFC North team playing in Lambeau, which usually means a big ol’ L. I’m actually not sure if the Packers are physically capable of scoring more than 17 points, though.

Pick: Lions -3

Bonus College Picks

• Penn State at Michigan State +10
• Wisconsin at Indiana +14
• Iowa State at West Virginia -2.5
• Oklahoma +2 at Oklahoma State
• Texas at TCU Over 47

Greetings, mortal. Welcome to a super spooky Halloween edition of the Brian’s Den NFL Picks. If you dare to enter, who knows what kind of horrors await around every turn. What’s that? You’re a big tough guy who’s not afraid of nuthin? Watching the Dolphins offense doesn’t give you nightmares? Ha Ha Ha Ha. Fool. There’s plenty more blood, guts, and horrible quarterback play in here waiting for you. We’ll see just how firm your resolve really is. You think you’ve got this whole NFL Betting thing all figured out? You think you’ve finally cracked the code? Well, once you gaze upon the forbidden knowledge I’ve acquired over the millennia, I think you’ll change your tune. Just remember- I warned you about the the dangers you’re about to face. Don’t blame me when you’re reduced to a crying puddle, begging for your mother to save you. Apologies in advance for all the bad puns and jokes you’re about to read.

Minnesota Vikings (-10) vs Cleveland Browns

It’s nighttime in old London Town and the fog is thick tonight. You just left your job at the textiles factory and are trying to get home as fast as possible. After all, as an attractive young lady, you know the dangers of being alone at night, particularly a night like tonight. You’re not sure how, but you can feel someone watching you. Maybe it’s just the fog playing tricks on you. Maybe it’s your overactive imagination. Papa was always saying women shouldn’t think too much, after all. But just to be safe, you turn around. No one in sight, but you swore you could hear footsteps. You pick up the pace a little bit. Wouldn’t hurt to get some exercise, regardless of what Papa says about how ladies shouldn’t exert themselves too much. You don’t get to move about too much at the factory. You’re positive you hear footsteps, now. You glance over your shoulder, still nothing. You start looking desperately for a taxi, but the fog is so thick it’s impossible to see. This is a small street, too, you realize. Very out of the way. And not in your normal route home, either. How did you wind up here? You start to panic. Your heart rate is through the roof. Then you feel it. Someone is right behind you. You turn and are greeted by a man in a brown trench coat and brown hat. He reaches into his coat and looks at you. You gasp. It’s Hue Jackson! “Please,” he says,” take my resume. I’m good with QBs.” He hands you the paper he took out of his coat. Against your better judgement, you look down on the cursed document. That’s where your memories end.

Pick: Vikings -10

Los Angeles Chargers at New England Patriots (-7.5)

Phil Rivers woke up in a cold sweat. The same dream again, he thought to himself. This time it felt too real. He got out of bed and walked to the bathroom quietly. Don’t want to wake the wife and kids. Looking in the mirror, he almost doesn’t recognize himself. He looks like a man who hasn’t slept in days. He’s got dark circles under his eyes, his skin is sallow, and his stubble is thicker than he likes. I can’t wait for this week to be over, he thinks. Maybe these damn nightmares will stop. He turns the faucet on and splashes some cold water on his face. When he looks up, he sees someone in the mirror that wasn’t there before. Turning slowly, the realization dawns on him as he sees the pile of Unreal Candy and Himalayan pink salt at the specter’s feet. “Hello, Phil,” Tom Brady says. “You ready for Sunday?” All Phil can do is scream.

Pick: Pats -7.5

San Francisco 49ers at Philadelphia Eagles (-13)

Not many people know what happened that night at the Wentz Church in the heart of South Philly. Witnesses say a large group of men dressed in all red and gold entered just before midnight, only they never came out. Reports of screams and horrifying sounds until around 3 am. But, when a concerned citizen entered the church early in the morning, she found nothing wrong. No bodies, no weapons, not a pew out of place. The only noteworthy thing was a message on the wall, written in blood: “We should have won by a lot more,” it said, “but they dominated the coaching matchup so badly that we only won by 10.”

Pick: 49ers +13

Chicago Bears at New Orleans Saints (-9)

You never know what you’ll find if you get lost in New Orleans. Just ask Mitch Trubisky. After an evening of enjoying everything the French Quarter has to offer, he tried to stumble his way back to his hotel room. He started hearing whispers. Though impaired, he could have sworn he heard someone call his name. Sobering rapidly, he foolishly decided to follow the voices. Down one street, up another. The buildings were getting older, darker. Finally, he found himself in front of an old shack at the end of an alley. Skulls hung above the door and bones lines the walkway. The rickety door opened slowly, seemingly on its own accord. Mitch decided he had come too far to walk away now. He entered, and saw shelves full of odd trinkets and body parts and books in languages he couldn’t read. “Welcome Mitch,” a voice said. An elderly Creole woman was eyeing him ravenously. “I hear you want to be completing more passes every Sunday. I think I can help with that. Just take this football and you’ll become a star!” She was holding an ancient looking football, maybe one of the first ever produced. “All I need to do is take this ball and I’ll be able to complete more than four passes a game?” “That’s right, child,” she said, chuckling. “Just take it and bring it with you everywhere.” He hesitated. Mom always told him not to trust strangers. But all he had to do was take this ball and he’d become an NFL-level quarterback? What does he have to lose? “Alright,” he said, reaching out and grabbing the smooth leather. He felt a small shock, but though nothing of it. “What do I owe you?” “Oh, child,” she said, “you’ve already given me all I want.” She started laughing hysterically and Mitch took it as his cue to leave. After a few steps down the alley, he thought he might want a picture of this place so he could return. Maybe this woman could give him good receivers, too. But when he turned around, it was gone. All that remained was an overflowing dumpster. Looking at the football in his hand, Mitch Trubisky wondered if he had just made a huge mistake.

Pick: Saints -9

Indianapolis Colts at Cincinnati Bengals (-10.5)

Imagine the plot of Pet Sematary only instead of cats the undead animals are tigers and redheads. That’s the horror that awaits the Colts.

Pick: Colts +10.5

Atlanta Falcons (-6) at New York Jets

“Pull over, honey” Matt Ryan’s wife said. “We’re clearly lost. You need to ask someone for directions.” They had been driving aimlessly for hours, now, but Ryan was trying desperately to avoid stopping. It was true, they were lost, but he still had a decent idea of where they were. “Matt!” his wife said forcefully. He knew he had no choice. They were approaching a small gas station on the side of the road. Ryan pulled in. Wary of the fact that this was seemingly isolated from anything resembling a town, he walked inside. The man at the desk was wearing a dirty, green flannel shirt with the sleeves cutoff and a well-worn knit hat. “Hey, man” Ryan said, “we’re kind of lost. What’s the best way back to the highway?” “You just follow this road and take a right,” the man said, staring at him through horn-rimed glasses. His perfectly coiffed mustache moved with every word. “Just be careful, now. This here’s AFC East country.” “S-sure, thanks.” Matt was rattled. He was afraid of this. He scrambled out of the building, but saw a small child standing in front of his car. “Mr.Ryan, why did you lose at home to the Bills?” “I-I don’t know kid, it just kind of happen-” “Why did you blow a 17 point lead to the Dolphins?” a second boy asked, appearing out of nowhere. “I-I don’t….I don’t-” “Mr. Ryan,” another boy wearing a hooded sweatshirt said, “why did you blow a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl and then completely quit against the same team when you had the chance for revenge?” “I don’t…I-I-” He fell to his knees. More children kept appearing, asking him how his team could be so bad. He covered his ears with his hands, praying for it to stop. The door to the gas station opened, and the man came out, now holding a machete. “Like I said, this here’s AFC East country, and we don’t take kindly to your kind around here.”

Pick: Jets +6

Carolina Panthers at Tampa Bay Bucs (-1.5)

Oakland Raiders at Buffalo Bills (-3)

I’m not sure I can really explain to anyone who wasn’t there how real the threat of ghost pirates were during the Summer of ’87. People along the coastline grew accustomed to them and knew how to avoid them. Whenever there was a heavy fog on the water and a chill in the air, everyone knew the ghost pirates were about to land. Tampa was hit hardest. The ghostly ship would appear on the horizon and dozens of phantom pirates would cross the water to come terrorize the town. They’d break windows, steal all the alcohol, and harass all the Hooters Girls. It was terrible. I’m not sure why, but one day they stopped coming. No one heard from them for decades. But then, out of nowhere, that same ship appeared on the banks of Lake Erie. They started raiding chicken wing joints and possessing Bills fans, compelling them to jump through tables and light things on fire. I’m not sure if anyone knows how to stop them. I’m not sure if anyone wants to stop them, to be honest.

Picks: Panther +1.5, Raiders +3

Houston Texans at Seattle Seahawks (-5.5)

Imagine, if you will, you’re a Seattle native. You’re holding on to the grunge phase all these years later just waiting for it to come back, all of your passions are ironic, you’ve loved the Seahawks since they first came into the league in 2012, the whole deal. You wake up one morning and find that, much to your surprise, your coffee cupboard, usually stocked to the brim with artisanal roasts and locally sourced small-batch grounds, is totally bare! You can’t start your day without coffee, so you go to your favorite coffee shop. “Can I have my usual,” you ask River, the barista you’ve known for years. “Sorry, man,” he says, “we’re fresh out of coffee. Huge rush this morning. We should get another delivery soon if you want to wait.” “No thanks,” you say. “I need my coffee now.” You go to the place next door. It’s not as good, but you can stomach it. “Sorry, bro,” the barista says, “we’re all out of coffee.” What is going on, you wonder. This is Seattle! Surely someone has coffee. But no one does. You try the place next door, then the place next door, then the place next door, then the place next door, then the place next door. Everyone is out of coffee. You’re fully awake, now, but it’s a matter of pride at this point. Where is all the coffee? You’ve seemingly tried every coffee shop in the city, and no one has any beans. Since you’re a Seattle hipster, you don’t consider Starbucks to be coffee, so that’s out of the question. Are you going to have to skip a day of work just to find some coffee? “Wow, you smell really nice,” a random person says as they walk by. “Thanks, I guess,” you say, confused. You didn’t put any cologne or anything on this morning. Must be my natural musk, you think. “Mmm, love that smell,” another person says. Then you notice it- the unmistakeable smell of coffee. Finally, you think. At least someone has coffee in this town. Only, you walked to the only place in Seattle that doesn’t have a coffee shop in sight. But where is the smell coming from? Then you remember people have been complimenting you on your smell. You look down and gasp. Your Seahawks number 12 jersey is now made of coffee grounds! High quality ones, too. The only way to get coffee and prove you’re from Seattle is by brewing your 12th Man jersey, which you own to show people you’re from Seattle! What a cruel twist of fate. What would you do in this impossible situation?

Pick: Seahawks -5.5

Dallas Cowboys (-2) at Washington Redskins

“You sure this is a good spot?” you ask. “Of course it is, partner,” Stinky Pete said. Stinky Pete, the most famous outlaw in the five-county area and your boss, had just broken ground on his new HQ, to be built with the wood from the forest they had spent the last few weeks cutting down. You weren’t so sure, though. Something about this place seemed off. When Stinky Pete dug his ceremonial golden shovel into the dirt, he exposed a pile of bones. Odd, erie totems were placed all over the edge of the clearing, each topped with the skull of a different animal. And, ever since they had decided to use this location, crazy things had been happening to their crew. A tree fell unexpectedly, killing three men. A freak lightning storm caused a forest fire, killing another five. Even though animals seemed to instinctively avoid this place, bears and cougars have attacked multiple times. It’s seemed to you like a cursed venture at this point, but you’re not in charge. Stinky Pete is, and he’s determined to see it through. “Uhh, hey boss,” Ralph says, crouched over. Ralph is Stinky Pete’s right hand man. “I think we might have an issue.” “What is it this time Ralph?” Stinky Pete asks. “I think this might be an Indian Burial Ground.” He held up a human skull he had pulled from the ground. Then he pulled up a battered Redskins helmet. “First of all, don’t call them injuns, Ralph,” Stink Pete said. “Have some respect. They’re called Redskins. And this ain’t no burial ground, no more, this is Stinky Pete’s future HQ!” There was a flash of lightning, and, suddenly, the ghost of Kirk Cousins materialized behind Ralph. He grabbed his head and yanked it back, breaking his neck. “You like that?” the ghostly voice asked. “You like that?” More and more ghosts were appearing. You could see Colt Brennan, Heath Shuler, Mark Brunnell, Jason Campbell, and Rex Grossman among others. “What do we do, boss?” you ask. But Stinky Pete is gone without a trace. As is everyone else in the crew. It’s just you against hundreds of Redskin ghosts. All of a sudden you’re starting to regret jumping on the Cowboys bandwagon in the ’90s.

Pick: Redskins +2

Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) at Detroit Lions

You had thought it was strange when he told you to meet him at the abandoned car factory. It wasn’t the strangest place you had ever gone for a date, but you kept an open mind. You knew he was eccentric, maybe he was some artist that used the old car parts to make statues. That would have been cool, you thought. Too bad that’s not what happened. Almost as soon as you stepped foot in the old factory, you felt a needle go into your neck. Now, you were strapped to a cold, metal table surrounded by car parts and bits of metal. Who knows how much time had passed. “You know,” he said, noticing you were awake, “people like to say the Industrial Revolution is over. We have all this technology now, what’s the point of manual labor and metal work? Well, I like to think I’m keeping it alive.” He had a welding mask on and a torch in hand. Standing over you, he had a deranged look in his eye. “I’ve always wanted a metal girlfriend,” he said. “Hopefully you’re the one.” He flipped the mask down and held a steel beam against you arm. “Just warning you,” his muffled voice said, “this is going to hurt.”

Pick: Steelers -3

Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5)

The thought of watching another Broncos primetime game is scary enough, honestly.

Pick: Chiefs -7.5

Bonus College Picks

• Tulane at Memphis Over 63
• Oklahoma State at West Virginia +7
• Georgia -14 vs Florida
• Penn State +6 at Ohio State
• TCU at Iowa State -6.5

Apologies to anyone riding Chiefs -3. The refs did all they could, but even they couldn’t stop the inexorable death march. It wasn’t exactly a crushing defeat, since I think everyone on earth saw it coming when the Chiefs didn’t score on their last two drives in the fourth quarter, but still. Maybe if the Chiefs caught some of the thousand deflected passes at the goal line and didn’t take timeouts to bail out the scrambling Raiders they could have hung on, but whatever. Maybe if Alex “Jeff George” Smith didn’t clam up at the end and kept going deep against the worst secondary ever things might have been different. No, I didn’t have the Chiefs, why do you ask. As I’ve said before, my picks are trash on Thursday, but they’re cash money on Sunday and Monday. Luckily for you, Thursday already happened. Lines from Bovada.

New Orleans Saints (-4.5) at Green Bay Packers

I find myself overthinking these scenarios almost every time. Aaron Rodgers is out. Brett Hundley looked something less than good in relief last week. Saints have been playing better defense lately, insofar as they’ve actually fielded eleven NFL defensive players, and their pass rush has been hot. Packers o-line is banged up. This is the most obvious game ever. But I just can’t shake this feeling in my gut. It’s in Lambeau. Saints were trying really hard to blow a 45 point lead against the Lions. The NFL is stupid. I fully expect the Packers to win. Which makes me want to go against my instincts because it’s so obviously wrong. But then I get so sure of the Saints that will cover that I flip flop again. It’s an inescapable vortex of indecision that will somehow spit out a correct pick. Or an incorrect one.

Pick: Packers +4.5

Carolina Panthers (-3) at Chicago Bears

Bears have covered every single home game. That’s a fact. No one switches from hot to cold to hot quite as quickly or extremely like the Panthers, and they got embarrassed by the Eagles last Thursday. You don’t come into Soldier Field on at noon on a Sunday (I can figure out timezones, NBD) and get an easy win if you’re struggling. Not with Trubisky under center.

Pick: Bears +3

Baltimore Ravens at Minnesota Vikings (-5.5)

Did you know the Vikings would have a bye if the playoffs started today? I bet you didn’t. That’s what happens when such a dynamic playmaker is leading the offense. Case Keenum refuses to be contained, putting up adequate numbers every week proving the h8trz wrong. Ravens are just terrible, which makes me very happy. The Color Purple is wasted on them.

Pick: Vikings -5.5

Jacksonville Jaguars (-3.5) at Indianapolis Colts

The fact that this the Jags are only a 3.5 point favorite smells like the biggest mousetrap in history. I flat out refuse to take the cheese.

Pick: Colts +3.5

New York Jets at Miami Dolphins (-3)

AFC East. Catch the fever!

Pick: *closes eyes and jumps* Jets +3

Arizona Cardinals vs Los Angeles Rams (-3.5)

You know what they say, “never trust a West Coast team coming east for a 1 o’clock start.” But what if they’re playing another West Coast team going east for a 1 o’clock start? And what if they’re going so far east they left the country? And what if they’re not playing at 9:30 am or in Wembley? Will a rugby stadium add some toughness to both teams? Or make everyone play scared lest they get hurt and get shamed by the rugby crowd? Why does the NFL think anyone overseas cares? Is Adrian Peterson Back or was last week just a final stand, double barrel middle finger to the Saints? Will Carson Palmer survive this encounter with Aaron Donald? Is there any end to the questions, or is this Cardinals-Rams game the kind of provocative, interesting game that will keep the national discussion going nonstop? I’m going to assume no on that one.

Pick: Rams -3.5

Tennessee Titans (-6) at Cleveland Browns

Wednesday night I went to the Celtics home opener against the Bucks. When I got the tickets, I thought it’d be awesome to be there the first time the new-look Celtics took the Parquet Floor. It didn’t go according to plan. And they lost. Anyway, on the way home from Boston I have to (I don’t really have to, but it’s the fastest way) take the same highway I took at the back half of my drive from my home in Vermont to UConn back when I had some optimism in my future when I was a student. As I approached the exit, I figured what the hell why not go through campus again, maybe get some food from one of my old haunts. So I did. It was a mistake. The huge, multi-million dollar plaza they started building my senior year was done, and it not only looked amazing but also had a ton of stuff I would have liked to have when I was around. Coupled with the countless happy young people who would sniff my old ass out in a second if I ever tried to party with them and it made me pretty depressed. I was low, so I needed something I could rely on. I stopped at my favorite place on campus, Wally’s Chicken Coop. I not only got lunch, but I took some home for dinner, too. It was a short-lived moment of bliss, eating a chicken-nugget-based diet once again. But then this morning, my body reminded me I was no longer in college and probably shouldn’t eat like that anymore. I was on campus for at most 20 minutes and it made me more depressed and downtrodden than anything I’ve done since I graduated. Don’t know if it’s possible to be lower. Oh, wait, yes I do. I could be a Browns fan!

Pick: Titans -6

Tampa Bay Bucs at Buffalo Bills

Do they just not make lines for Bucs games anymore? Do they really think Jameis isn’t going to play? He literally said he’s playing. Whatever, I probably wouldn’t have taken them, anyway. I’m not standing in front of the pre-week 9 Bills train.

Pick: Bills -whatever

Dallas Cowboys (-6) at San Francisco 49ers

Niners are allergic to doing anything but lose in heartbreaking fashion. Ezekiel Elliot is allergic to getting suspended. Something has to give.

Pick: 49ers +6

Seattle Seahawks (-5) at New York Giants

Don’t let the Giants get hot! Seriously, though, please don’t let the Giants get hot.

Pick: Seahawks -5

Cincinnati Bengals at Pittsburgh Steelers (-5)

It’s gotten lost in the monsoon of Dalton jokes, but the Bengals have won two straight and have allowed the second fewest points in the AFC. Bengals D is legit and is going to keep this game close. They won’t win. The Bengals have a mental block that prevents them from A) beating the Steelers and B) winning a game that starts after 1pm, but they won’t get blown out.

Pick: Bengals +5

Atlanta Falcons at New England Patriots (-3.5)

The spread for this should really be Pats -1000. Falcons lost to the Bills. Falcons blew a 17 point lead and lost to the Dolphins. They can’t beat the AFC East. And now they’re facing the boogeyman that gave them their crippling fear of holding on to big leads? In the belly of the beast? Falcons could be up 56-0 at the half and I’d still be positive the Pats were covering. The Falcons are the softest team I’ve ever seen. Atlanta is the softest city I’ve ever seen. The Patriots own Atlanta. Tom Brady owns Atlanta. I own Atlanta. There’s a better chance of Boo 2! winning the Oscar for Best Picture than the Falcons doing anything other than puking and pooping all over themselves the second the Pats come out of the tunnel.

Pick: Pats -3.5

Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles (-4.5)

Been way too long since there’s been an NFC East division game on national TV, feels good. Eagles have the best point differential in the NFC, and third highest in the league (behind only the Chiefs and…..Jaguars???). Their offense has been smashing people left and right. But the Skins D has been better than a lot of people (me) thought coming into the season, and they have the offensive firepower to hang with the Birds if they go off. This might end up being a fight to the death, and the Eagles may have to forcibly rip every blade of grass they gain from the Redskins’ hands. Or the Eagles will just roll again, but we’re talking about Philly, here.

Pick Redskins +4.5

Bonus College Picks

• Louisville at Florida State Over 59
• Maryland at Wisconsin -24.5
• Oklahoma State -7 at Texas
• Purdue -9.5 at Rutgers
• Oregon at UCLA Over 67