If you’re anything like me, you’re a massive fan of the official Brian’s Den YouTube account. And, as we approach Independence Day, perhaps you wanted to look back at one of the great athletic achievements of all time. So, you fire up the ol’ Tube and search your favorite video when, all of a sudden, you find out that it’s blocked. For what reason? Violence? Problematic content? Toxic comment section? No, something even worse: music copyright infringement.
Unlicensed use of everyone’s favorite ’70s soft rock group Chicago’s music is usually enough to receive the death penalty, so I consider myself lucky I got by only getting my video blocked. I can still watch it, mind you. But the rest of you can’t. Yet another reason why being me really is the greatest gift you can receive.
I won’t lie, I woke up feeling a little different this morning. I’ve got some more confidence and I can tell people on the street are looking at me through a new lens. That’s what happens when you’ve got an edge. When you’re the new bad boy on the block. When you become the guy parents point out to their kids and say “stay away from him, he used a Chicago song on a stupid video without acquiring the rights from Warner Music Group.” Listen, I’m a rebel and a bit of a villain. What are you gonna do about it? Fight me? Please. I’ve been in the mud with the WMG, you think anything you throw at me is gonna faze me? You’d better think again.
The only question is what does one even do when the laws of society no longer apply? I’ve been permanently branded as a troublemaker. Following established conventions and courtesies would just confuse people. I need to pick up a leather jacket, I guess. Start smoking cigs. Never speak; only communicate in sultry and pouty facial expressions. Always wear pants, even when it’s like 1,000 degrees outside. Buy some pre-weathered converse or vans or, better yet, boots that are inappropriate for nearly every occasion. I’m surprised these things didn’t just show up at my doorstep overnight. How else is the world supposed to know the terrible things I’ve done? The kind of mischief I’ve gotten into after school (that I didn’t go to, obvi) and all the loitering I do? Maybe my new attitude will be enough. After all, I’m a bad boy, now. And bad boy life continues no matter what you’re wearing.
After weeks of embedded reporting, our documentary team is finally ready to publish their explosive investigation into Blayze on the Beach 2019, the Greatest Party the Never Was. The levels of delusion, neglect, and incompetence shown by everyone involved in this disaster are enough to shake your belief in the human race forever. Though we want to encourage worldly knowledge and freedom of information, we must warn you: the following footage is not suited for everyone. Viewer discretion is advised.
Folks, I’m jacked up. Impossibly jacked up, honestly. God of War comes out tomorrow for PS4, and it’s getting rave reviews. I’m getting aroused just thinking about inserting that disc into my system.
The God of War series is one of my favorites ever. Along with playing a decent baseball game, they’re the main reason I stayed with Playstation. I’m a massive mythology guy. Huge. I took a course on ancient mythology in college and everything. I know more about Greek mythology than anyone who isn’t an accredited expert, and you can quote me on that. I think that, since I still have the emotional maturity of a small child, the limitless possibilities and fantastic worlds of ancient mythology appeal to me far more than boring old real life. And going around killing the who’s who of Greek mythology made 13-year-old me very happy. But this time it’s different. Kratos retired, got a new family, and moved to Scandinavia. Like all great action heroes, he just wants to be left alone, but someone kills his wife of something (again), so now he’s got to go kill everyone from Norse mythology, too. I must admit, I’m not the biggest expert on Norse mythology. I’ve done some Wikipedia research. I have an (unread) copy of The Saga of the Volsungs I bought for some unfinished project I was doing, but I know the gist of it. I’m not some plebeian, so I know Richard Wagner’s operatic adaptation. I’ve seen the Thor movies. I watched the first three seasons of Vikings. You know what? I’m willing to bet that actually makes me a practical expert. Norse mythology is a very niche topic. It’s my, like, tenth best subject and I know way more about it than you. You must be embarrassed.
Anyway, I’ve been kind of wondering if and when I wanted to start streaming games. I’m terrible at shooters, so watching me play Fortnite would have been a waste of everyone’s time. But God of War? That’s something I can show people what’s what in. That’s something I can impress people with my excellent play and witty commentary. And, since it’ll be the hot game in the streets, there’s a tiny chance someone other than (some of) my friends might watch. So, whenever I get the game (this will be my first delivery to the new place. So exciting!!!) and install it, I’ll start streaming. I was debating between Twitch and YouTube, and I decided on YouTube, because, if we’re being honest, no one’s going to watch the first few (hundred) times I stream, so might as well upload to a platform that lets you watch your old footage. I’ll post the link to the stream here when I start, and I’ll probably just post the completed stream when I’m done. I think the hardest part will be to not just play for a million hours at once since no one will want to watch that. My last few videos haven’t exactly set the world on fire, but until someone has the guts to tell me I need to stop making them, well, you’re stuck in the awkward position of ignoring them while also telling me you’re going to watch it later. Trust me, you’re going to want to watch me play video games. It’s going to be electric.
Hope everyone had a good holiday weekend. I know I did. Ate tons of food, which is pretty much all I care about. Only thing is, I got so carried away chasing Black Friday deals I somehow wound up in the middle of Nebraska. Not good! I had to hitchhike my way back, and, along the way, I spent a lot of time on YouTube. And whenever I say I’m spending a lot of time on YouTube, I mostly mean I’m watching this video on a loop.
Easily the greatest video I’ve ever seen. Celine Dion, who I openly stan for, and *NSYNC, a titan of late 90s/early 00s pop, performing “That’s the Way It Is,” maybe a top ten song ever written and the unquestioned GOAT Grocery Store Pop song (grocery store soundtracks always feature 80s, 90s, and early 00s soft/contemporary pop). It’s just a combination of everything good in this world. This video has 34,000 views, and at least 17,000 of those are from me. It’s time more people joined the party. Every second of this video is amazing, so I figured I’d just break down everything you need to know about the Greatest YouTube Video Ever Made.
0:02- I honestly have no idea what the context for this performance is. I’m assuming it’s some kind of awards show? Maybe the Grammy’s? The CBS logo is there, so it was on TV. I think I’d be happier not knowing where this takes place. Keeps the intrigue going.
0:12- Fatone. Look at this hair. Look at this leather suit. This was how pop stars looked in the late 90s, and everyone was okay with it.
0:15- Love this keyboardist. You can feel his passion.
0:17- Celine might be the worst dancer of all time, but I respect her willingness to experiment. You can see the gears turning in her head every time she tries out a new move, and she almost always realizes it wasn’t good.
0:26- I say almost always because she just discovered this point. Remember it, because it’ll come back later.
0:39- Lance Bass might secretly have a top 5 life ever. Guy has no musical talent whatsoever but somehow became the second most well-known member of the second most important pop group of the 21st century, then added in a few TV show appearances for good measure. Legend.
0:57- How do you get this gig? Like how do you become the drummer for a Celine Dion/*NSYNC mashup? Does it pay well? Did he brag to his friends and family about landing this? Need to know more about this guy.
0:59- I’m almost certain she’s lip syncing the whole time, but who cares? Celine Dion earned the right to lip sync a long time ago.
1:00- I need this leather suit. Someone put me in touch with Fatone so I can get it from him.
1:04- The camera loves Bass and Fatone. I, for one, am not surprised.
1:09- “I can’t wait to fire my agent.”
1:13- What is this outfit? A white trench coat? No wonder Chris is the forgotten member.
1:16- Point counter: 2
1:18- I feel bad for JC. He had some serious pipes, but had the personality of a cardboard box. *NSYNC should have had two post-*NSYNC stars, but JC got left behind. Sad!
1:30- Name a more iconic duo. I’ll wait.
1:38- This is her sweet spot. Standing in place and raising her arms. Not sure anyone has ever had better ballad posture.
1:57- The people’s drummer showing his versatility.
2:01- How do they let Timberlake go out there with such an ill-fitting coat? Who was in charge of wardrobe for this thing?
2:02- Is this drummer secretly the sixth member of *NSYNC? He’s soaking up screen time.
2:10- Point counter: 3
2:12- JC reminds me of the captain of the Titanic. He knows his career is a sinking ship when Timberlake leaves, but he’s still giving his all because that’s the only thing he knows how to do. A true professional.
2:14- We need to start keeping track of everyone that’s getting more screen time than Chris. Right now the drummer and keyboardist both have significantly more.
2:16- Maybe the most electrifying dance moves I’ve ever seen in my life.
2:25- If you look closely you can see the seeds of the breakup being planted in Timberlake’s mind.
2:27- This touch was not in the dress rehearsal.
2:37- Can’t stop looking at JT’s neck. It’s like a turtle who doesn’t know whether to go back in its shell or not.
2:47- Timberlake is swimming in that coat. Did they not have tailors available? Also, this is why I assume it’s the Grammy’s or something in winter, because there’s no other reason to wear a coat like this in a climate controlled environment.
2:51- Timberlake should have taken Joey with him when he went solo, because he’s honestly got more stage presence than everyone else combined.
2:57- The real reasons behind *NSYNC’s success.
3:05- So the drummer, keyboardist, and now backup singers all have more screen time than Chris. Is that pre-Idol Ruben Studdard?
3:11- Can’t imagine what it’s like being in the presence of a Celine Dion power note.
3:16- I actually think there’s two drummers. Both have more screen time than Chris.
3:23- At this point, Chris has to fight somebody or go off script or something to get back on camera. It’s about pride, now.
3:25- Point counter: 4
3:33- Never seen a bigger pity wide shot to get Chris back on screen.
3:34- Celine sure is comfortable around Lance. I wonder why?
3:37- Point counter: 6 (this high difficulty point counts as 2)
3:48- You know she was thinking about this wink the whole time, and it didn’t disappoint.
3:53- Final point counter: 7
4:00- gecko hawaii. Never seen this logo before or since. But somehow they got ahold of this footage, so I’m always in their debt.
Sadly, the video ends after that. Well, it ends assuming you don’t have it set on repeat, which would be a pretty curious decision to say the least. I’m sorry if I got you addicted, but I just wanted to share my affliction. I will never get tired of this video, and I thank the Internet Gods every day for delivering it to my doorstep.