Author: Brian

The “Is Bryce Harper a Superstar?” Debate is the Fakest, Most Contrived Talking Point in History

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So this bubbled up over the weekend. I don’t even know how widespread it was, but, because I’m a masochist, I wound up reading/watching all the think pieces that came out of Bill James, godfather of sabermetrics, and, ironically, old man yelling at clouds, said that Bryce Harper, yes, that Bryce Harper was not a superstar.

Bryce Harper is the dictionary definition of a superstar. Because MLB marketing is inept andMike Trout has the personality of a cardboard box, he’s probably the most famous player in the MLB. He’s the most entertaining player (whether you love him or hate him) in the league. He blasts million-foot home runs. He’s got an OPS over 1.000 despite pitchers breaking their backs not to give him anything to hit. He’s got a trillion dollar contract with Under Armour and his own signature shoe. If he’s not a superstar no one is.

Listen I hate these terrible “Is Joe Flacco Elite?” debates. I think they’re stupid and boring and pointless. If you’re having a legitimate debate if someone is a superstar or not (I refuse to believe this Bryce Harper “debate” was anything approaching legitimate), then they’re probably not a superstar. My superstar criteria are pretty simple: Are you 1. a top-ten player in the league? Are you 2. famous enough to have name recognition among the most casual of casual fans? Have you been 3. the best player on multiple championship teams? If you check boxes one or two, you’re probably a superstar. If you add in box 3, you’re definitely a superstar. Bryce Harper is a top-ten player and really famous. Easy.

Even though I hate these debates I feel obligated to give my own list of the current baseball superstars. It pained me not to include Joey Votto, who somehow is the least famous athlete ever despite being one of the best 10-20 pure hitters in the history of baseball:

  • Bryce Harper
  • Mike Trout
  • Clayton Kershaw
  • Jose Altuve
  • Mookie Betts
  • Aaron Judge
  • Nolan Arenado
  • Giancarlo Stanton
  • Max Scherzer
  • Shohei Ohtani
  • Buster Posey

That’s it. Those are the baseball players with enough talent and name recognition to be called superstars. It wasn’t that hard to come up with the list. When I couldn’t think of any more, that was a pretty clear sign that it was time to stop. Sports aren’t nearly as complicated as we make them out to be. Bryce Harper is a superstar. Take your molten lava takes somewhere else.

Will the Celtics Win the Finals in 4 or 5 Games?

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Me whenever Terry Rozier gets hot:

Here in the Brian’s Den we try not to get caught up hyperbole. We really do. But I just don’t see how the Celtics don’t win the NBA Championship this year. I mean they just mentally eviscerated Philly. It’s over. Sixers quit about halfway through the third quarter. Everyone was anointing them as East champions before the series, and at the slightest hint of adversity they pack up shop? Ben Simmons had one point? 1! Al Horford is paying Joel Embiid rent for all the space he’s using in his head. J.J. Redick and T.J. McConnell are their best players! And this is the team that’s supposed to go head to head with the Celtics for the next ten years? What happens when the Celtics get their best players back and add another top 5 pick next year because the Sixers were dumb enough to trade the Kings’ pick for a player they would have been able to get with their original pick (R.I.P. Sam Hinkie)? Do they just cancel the games before they start like they do with Cavs-Raptors? I’m seriously struggling to see how the Process comes out on top. Even if they push it to six or seven games (which I’m assuming they will) they’re not winning in Boston. They just aren’t. Let’s just move on to the Eastern Conference Finals, already.

Can’t see the Cavs winning, either, honestly. Let’s just look at the roster breakdowns. It’s LeBron vs. Terry Rozier. LeBron or Terry? Terry or LeBron? I don’t see an advantage either way. Al Horford is better than Kevin Love. Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum are better than everyone on the Cavs roster outside LBJ and Love (imagine wanting Fultz and Josh Jackson over Tatum in the draft? Anyone who did must feel like an idiot! I could never!). Brad Stevens is to Ty Lue what Starry Night is to the hand turkey I drew in kindergarten that my teacher crumpled up and threw out in front of me because it was so bad (not that I still remember it, or anything). Celtics have better jerseys and a better barn. If things get physical, Marcuses Morris and Smart can counteract Kendrick Perkins. Celtics have precisely zero Kardashian drama. Celtics might legitimately not win a road game all playoffs, but they’re unbeatable at home. Celtics have Gucci on their side now!

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Cavs are mentally weak (hope LeBron doesn’t read this) just like the Sixers are mentally weak. Before the playoffs I said I’d be fine with pretty much any result if they won round one. Now that I see the competition? Things change.

The only real question I have is how many games will it take to win the Finals? If the Rockets somehow beat Golden State, it’s a sweep. Beating the Warriors is Houston’s trophy. They’d thank the Celtics for kicking off their vacations early. But if they face the Warriors? Now it might be a little tough. But I figure the Celtics come out game 1 and hit them in the mouth, get an early lead and hang on for the win, get blasted in game 2, come back and win both games in Boston, then just win one more. I’m starting to think the Celtics not winning the title would be an upset. Imagine the Celtics getting a title without their best player before the Process wins one? Whooooo, boy, the kind of takes that would come out of that. Kind of wish we could just fast forward to next year’s playoffs. This year’s are already wrapped up.

Why Hasn’t BD Wong Aged in the Last 25 Years?

Alright I know this is random but I just saw Avengers again so I was forced to watch the Jurassic World 2 trailer for the millionth time.

And I just couldn’t stop thinking about how BD Wong hasn’t aged since Jurassic Park. This is him in 1993:

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And this is him now:

Arrivals at Jurassic World - LA film premiere held on Tuesday, June 9, 2015 at The Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles, California

What the heck? He looks younger now than he did in the 90s! Talk about a glow up. I can’t wrap my mind around this. I know Black don’t Crack, but does the same thing apply to Asians? Or does a good haircut really make all the difference? Or is it just really good to be rich and have access to the Hollywood beauty cabal? Probably the latter. I don’t know, that’s kind of all I have on this. Just a random thing I needed to throw out there.

People forget BD Wong voiced Shang in Mulan but got tagged out for Donny Osmond when it was time to sing.

2018 NFL Draft Preview

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Remember football? Remember the NFL? Remember the Super Bowl? I don’t. It happened so long ago I don’t even remember who the two teams were. Must have been a pretty boring game. Since it’s been roughly three years since the season ended, you know what that means- it’s time for the NFL Draft! Everyone’s (my) favorite way to spend 18 hours over the course of three days. While I’m afraid my typical wall to wall viewing experience will be interrupted this year (Avengers tomorrow night, bitchesssssss! Let’sss goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Also doing something special on Saturday), I’ll still watch the first round without distraction, which means it’s time to dive headfirst into this year’s draft class. So dust off your DVD of Draft Day and get settled in, it’s gonna be a long night.

Guys I Like

  • Baker Mayfield- I’d be so upset if he went to the Jets. Not because I’d be worried, but because I know they’d ruin him.
  • Lamar Jackson- He’s pretty much Hermes if Hermes was real and played football and was also being criminally undervalued.
  • Quenton Nelson- The most foolproof player in the draft, which means he’ll be a huge bust.
  • Bradley Chubb- Feels like the defensive version of Nelson. Can’t see him failing.
  • Derwin James- Before the year he was a consensus top-5 pick, and now he’s dropping because his team had a bad year? I’ll gladly take him on my team.
  • Roquon Smith- I have literally no data to back this up, but I feel like linebackers have a much higher success rate than most positions.
  • Denzel Ward- Can he match last year’s crazy rookie corner production? I think so.
  • Josh Rosen- The ultimate victim of too-much-predraft-analysis, I’m still on the Rosen train.
  • Vita Vea- I just like his hair.
  • Jaryd Jones-Smith- Did I just make him up or is he a real person? Tune in to find out.
  • Sony Michell- Could easily see him dipping his toes into the “so underrated he’s overrated” pool.
  • Brian Curran- Guy’s a winner, plain and simple.

Guys I Don’t Like

  • Josh Allen- How many times have we seen this movie before? And teams still fall for it. He’s going to S U C K.
  • Sam Darnold- Guy stinks.
  • Saquon Barkley- Purely from a value standpoint. He’s a physical freak, but so are Kareem Hunt and Alvin Kamara. And they went in the third round.
  • Marcus Davenport- When the last time a project d-end taken in the first round actually worked?
  • Calvin Ridley- I think he’s like, 35 years old.
  • Vontae Mack- His tweets are a little too distracting for my taste.
  • Kolton Miller- Such an aggressively white millennial name.
  • Natrell Jamerson- Another round of real or fake?
  • Isaiah Wynn- Just kind of picked a name.
  • Mason Rudolph- We really saying he’s good?

Guys I Want the Patriots to Draft

  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson

Guys I Don’t Want the Patriots to Draft

  • Random offensive linemen who aren’t Lamar Jackson
  • Literally anyone not named Lamar Jackson

Things I’m Thinking About Eating Tonight

  • Pizza
  • McDonald’s
  • Wings
  • The chicken fajitas I was gonna cook last night but there was a mix up with the gas company and our gas was turned off so if they fix it I could just cook tonight but it’s Draft Day, so why bother?
  • Taco Bell
  • These drunken noodles from this Thai place that I’m kind of addicted to.
  • A ton of snacks

Best Things About the Movie Draft Day

  • Sonny Weaver trading three first round picks for the number one overall pick, despite the fact that he admits seconds later that he knows nothing about the presumed number one overall pick.
  • The fact that the supposed superstar coach is dead set on taking a running back in the top ten.
  • A Wisconsin QB is the top prospect.
  • The way the trainer let’s you know the Browns have a star receiver by telling the GM of the team that he’s a star wide receiver.
  • That literally no one on the team went to Bo Callahan’s birthday party.
  • The pregnancy and ashes subplots.
  • The fact that an undersized linebacker would go number one in 2014.
  • The fact that the Seahawks got worked over worse than anyone in history has ever been worked over.
  • That a running back, a linebacker, and a punt returner was what convinced Coach Penn to stay, despite the fact that they still had Brian Hoyer Drew at QB.
  • The fact that Ray Jenkins was excited to go to the Browns.

Teams That Will Definitely Have Good Drafts

  • Cardinals
  • Ravens
  • Panthers
  • Bengals
  • Cowboys
  • Lions
  • Texans
  • Jaguars
  • Chargers
  • Dolphins
  • Patriots
  • Giants
  • Raiders
  • Steelers
  • Seahawks
  • Titans

Teams That Will Definitely Have Bad Drafts

  • Falcons
  • Bills
  • Bears
  • Browns
  • Broncos
  • Packers
  • Colts
  • Chiefs
  • Rams
  • Vikings
  • Saints
  • Jets
  • Eagles
  • 49ers
  • Bucs
  • Redskins

Things to Do When It’s the Sixth Round and You Want to Stop Watching But You Can’t

  • Try and find the next Tom Brady.
  • Convince yourself that guard out of Howard is actually the steal of the draft.
  • See if you can match Mel Kiper’s no-bathroom-breaks record.
  • Think about finding more friends/hobbies.
  • Become fluent in Mike Mayock-isms.
  • Wonder where, if things just broke a little bit better for you, you would have been drafted.
  • Get way too hyped for a season in which your team won’t win anything.

Which Avengers Would Make It in the NFL?

  • Literally all of them.

Why Hasn’t There Been Another Pokemon Football Draft?

  • Because I forgot about it until right now and it’s too much work to get it done before the draft.
  • I should do round three, though. Third Gen is probably the most top end talent of any class.

On A Scale of 1-10, How Hyped Are You For the 2018 NFL Draft?

  • 12

Streaming God of War After the Celtics Game

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Getting into the nitty-gritty of God of War tonight. Should be a lot of action, gore, and death. Typical Tuesday. Going live after the Celtics win Game 5, roughly 9:30-10. Tune in.

https://www.twitch.tv/jarringtiger

All my past streams are on my channel, as well, if you want to relive everything. I’ve been doing a ton of random streams, so odds are you’ve missed something.

My Experience at MLB Foodfest

Two hours of pure concessions and drinks for $40. Not a bad way to take ten years off your life.

I was obviously excited about this, but I wish I could go back and do it over. Not to spoil the video, but I was only able to eat 25 of the 30 entries, partly because of the time (they screw you out of at least five minutes because they don’t let anyone in until your time slot starts, but then you have to leave the second your time slot ends. Factor in lines and stuff and I didn’t get my first plate until 1:09. Sad!), and partly because I did the exact incorrect strategy. Essentially, it was a big horseshoe around the perimeter of the dining room with the booths arranged in alphabetical order by city. I started with Washington and went in a circle, both because I wanted to eat the Arizona entry last and because it was closest to the door. This was the incorrect strategy. The bottom half of the alphabet was far, far superior to the top half. If Foodfest was the NBA, N-W was the West and A-M was the East. Absolutely no contest. So while it was nice to actually enjoy all the good food, that meant I had to eat the disgusting things on a full stomach. Not a good combination. I almost puked on camera two or three times, and, had I gotten whatever the Indians thing was, I know for a fact there would have been a reversal of fortune. You can get on me for getting full off of 25 bites (another bad strategy: I took multiple bites of some of the early food because, again, it was actually good) if you want, but 95% of those things were bread heavy. And the buns were all thick, too. Too thick, if you ask me. It didn’t make for a fun morning, I can assure you.

So I missed five teams: Tigers, Indians, Rockies, White Sox, Braves. As I said, the Indians Flamin’ Hot Cheeto abomination would have made me puke. The Tigers had chicken shawarma nachos, which seemed like a very bad thing to eat at 2:45. I actually had the Braves thing, which I don’t even know how to describe, in my hand, but once I got through the absolutely brutal Red Sox-Orioles combo, I couldn’t do it. I blame the coleslaw.  Coleslaw stinks and half the teams used it as a garnish. The Rockies and White Sox weren’t high priorities since they just had a regular cheeseburger and sausage, respectively, and I’ve had my fair share of both. The only sad thing is that I’m sure both were pretty good and I ate a Cheeto-lote instead. By the way, how to the Rockies not bring Rocky Mountain Oysters? I guess they figure everyone already knows the rating on them already.

Anyway, it was a good time. I hope they do it again next year (I’m sure they will), and hopefully other leagues get in the game, too. Now that I know to eat the horrifying and repulsive foods first, I think future Foodfests will be more enjoyable. Still can’t believe the Sox didn’t come with the hot lobster roll.