Unreal. Six minutes into the season and Hayward is out for the year. I feel sick. Everything the Celtics were hoping for this season goes out the window. Hope he comes back stronger than ever.
Celtics 2018-19 NBA champions
Author: Brian
2017-18 NBA Western Conference Preview
Just gonna jump right into the West after using all of my preamble capacity introducing the East. This is going to be considerably less bleak, since the West has more than four good teams.
Golden State Warriors– I know I’ve become known for coming with some strong, unpopular takes, but I think this one might take the cake: the Warriors are the best team in the league.
Over/Under 67.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Signing the legend Nick Young
Burning Question: Is my Twitter account real, or am I just another Kevin Durant burner account?
Bold Prediction: I think it’d be bolder to say they won’t win the title
Houston Rockets– What would happen if you took a clone of Steve Nash and put him on the 2005 Suns, giving them two Steve Nashes to run the Mike D’Antoni system? We’re about to find out! The Rockets made major waves in the offseason by trading the majority of their bench for Chris Paul, who plays the same role in an offense as James Harden, who just had his second second-place MVP finish in three years. Bold strategy, but it might pay off. Even though at this stage in their careers Harden is the better player, Paul certainly has more point guard bona fides, and will likely handle most of the ball handling duty, lest Harden wants to deal with a CP3 temper tantrum on a nightly basis. Moving off the ball might put Harden back in his OKC mindset, where he was just a heat-check scorer-playmaker that would take over games in the fourth. If Harden just becomes a catch-and-shoot, slashing, quick-decision-and-not-just-dribbling-the-ball-for-23-seconds-before-shooting scoring two guard, he might lead the league in scoring. Regardless, I give it 3 weeks before Chris Paul is screaming at Harden during games.
Over/Under 54.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Trading for Chris Paul
Burning Question: Will Chris Paul be invited to the club after they lose second round?
Bold Prediction: They’ll set a record for most 3s attempted in a season by the All Star break
San Antonio Spurs– At this point, I think people respect Popovich and the system more than the actual team. Yes, Kawhi Leonard is a basketball cyborg that seemingly doesn’t have any kind of built-in ceiling, but the rest of the roster is kind of meh. Manu and Tony Parker are on their last legs’ last legs. LaMarcus Aldridge became bad sometime last season, and Pau doesn’t offer much besides smart passing and a skilled shooting touch anymore. Then the role players are just that- a bunch of role players that aren’t particularly different from anyone else’s. Leonard is the only outlier on this roster, but the coaching is so good and the players have such great chemistry and continuity that they’ll still bludgeon weaker, unorganized teams and keep it close against the giants of the West. But I don’t know if there’s enough here to go over-the-top. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’m assuming this Spurs team has a very post-Brady-but-not-post-Belichick Patriots feel to it.
Over/Under 53.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Signing Rudy Gay
Burning Question: Did Tim Duncan give all of his Old Navy chique wardrobe to Kawhi when he retired?
Bold Prediction: They’ll sit their starters in a TNT game at some point and get the player rest convo going again
Oklahoma City Thunder– I’m pretty sure these win totals might have come out before the Carmelo Anthony trade, because this feels low for them. In one of the greatest displays of general managing/blackmail in NBA history, the Thunder turned all of their bad bench players into Paul George and Carmelo Anthony. Not sure if they were holding Pacers GM Kevin Pritchard’s family hostage or something, but picking on the inept Knicks like that should result in some kind of penalty. It’s just not fair for everyone else in the league.
The thought process behind all these moves and the hype surrounding them is pretty simple. Last year, Russell Westbrook was literally the only person on the team, and now he’s got two proven, explosive scorers flanking him. The organization and media will point to the huge extension Westbrook just signed and say “this is because the team showed him they were committed to winning,” but, in reality, Westbrook had no choice whatsoever after the display of pettiness and hatred he showed towards Kevin Durant after he left. The Thunder could have drafted me and said I was playing 40 minutes a game and Westbrook would have signed with a smile on his face (even if he’s dying inside). My biggest concern for this team is can they put the toothpaste back in the tube? They unleashed and unshackled Westbrook last season, allowing him to do anything he wanted on the court whenever he wanted. He shot at will and completely dominated the ball out of necessity, but can he turn it down a little? We all know Melo doesn’t like sharing the spotlight, so I can’t imagine he’ll be super happy if he becomes a higher paid version of Anthony Morrow. Paul George will likely be the de facto backup point guard, but giving him 8 minutes a game when Westbrook is on the bench to spread his wings doesn’t sound like the way to keep him from leaving after this year. I just think Westbrook is going to be Westbrook, shoot the ball a billion times a game including everything even resembling a “clutch” shot, alienate his fancy new teammates by being so intense and never giving them the ball, then play the same woe-is-me, I’m-so-tough-and-loyal-for-sticking-around-unlike-those-pussies-that-skipped-town card that he’s used non-stop since KD left. They also have no bench.
Over/Under 52.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Getting PG and Melo
Burning Question: If you really think about it, what’s the point of any of these West teams trying, anyway?
Bold Prediction: At some point in mid-March, Melo’s feet will fully fuse with the court as he stands in the corner all game
Minnesota Timberwolves– The Wolves are kind of the West version of the Sixers, in that they’re a popular pick to take a big step forward and everyone desperately wants them to be good. And, like with the Sixers, I’m not really all the way in, but at the least the T’Wolves have at least one player who’s proven that he can both play 82 games and play actual defense in all of them in new addition Jimmy Butler. Everyone knows (I just kind of assume everyone remembers every take I’ve ever had) I didn’t want the Celtics to give up everything to get Butler, but that’s mostly because he would have been the Celtics primary option on offense. He won’t be, here. Karl-Anthony Towns could legitimately be the best offensive player in the NBA, and it’s going to seem awfully nonsensical in a couple years that he didn’t make an All-Star team or All NBA team his first two years after he reels of 10 straight. There’s literally nothing he can’t do on the court that the laws of physics and his own massive body prevent him from doing (except playing defense). I don’t even know how he can get better, but I know he can. Andrew Wiggins seemed like the perfect complimentary piece, but Jimmy Butler plays the same position and has the exact same game. And because they got Jimmy Butler, they felt like they had to trade Ricky Rubio, who has become a true unicorn in the era of unicorns: a legitimately underrated NBA player. Now they have Jeff Teague running the point, and I really hope they don’t sincerely think Teague’s leading them to the Promised Land. This team kind of feels like it was cooking along low and slow in the smoker, maturing and progressing at their own, natural pace, but then Tom Thibodeau took it out and threw it in the microwave for some instant results. I’m worried Towns is going to get stuck in the same vortex of mediocrity Kevin Garnett was in when he was in Minnesota. Being the five or six seed and losing first round every year isn’t helping anybody.
Over/Under 46.5 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: Trading for Jimmy Butler
Burning Question: How furious is Jimmy Butler that he couldn’t have been traded to Miami or somewhere where it isn’t terrible in winter?
Bold Prediction: They’ll have the number 20 pick in the draft for the next five years
Denver Nuggets– Gotta say, I’m not a fan of the Nuggets going primarily navy blue in their updated jerseys. The light blue was prime time. No one tunes into some Nuggets action looking for some navy blue jerseys (unless it’s the Melo-era alternates, which were awesome) (Speaking of Melo-era Nuggets: the Nuggets from when Allen Iverson got there until Melo left were legitimately some of my favorite teams ever. Everything was fast paced but also 100% isolation-based. There wasn’t Al-Harrington-Don-Nelson era Warriors level of reckless jacking by anyone who touched the ball (another one of my favorite teams ever), but they got some shots up. My favorite thing about them that I think only I ever noticed was that every game they would switch the colors of their accessories. My favorite looks were when they went white jerseys with light blue headbands/sleeves and when they went light blue jerseys with yellow headbands/sleeves. Navy alternates with yellow headbands/sleeves was also a good look. Light blue jerseys with whit headbands/sleeves was an underrated look, but I’m glad they didn’t go to it too often. I also miss the hanging Pepsi globe they used to have). At least the yellow alternates look good.
Anyway, the Nuggets are going to be really fun to watch. Their games are pretty much just first to 150 wins, so don’t expect them to be playing that lockdown, championship level defense come the playoffs.
Over/Under 43.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Getting Paul Millsap
Burning Question: Has the Denver Airport recovered since I left?
Bold Prediction: They’ll lead the league in both scoring and points allowed
Los Angeles Clippers– After years of hating the entire Lob City experience (Chris Paul, the flopping, the bitching, Chris Paul, the constant yelling at refs, Chris Paul, the playoff collapses, Chris Paul), I find myself kind of liking (at least the idea of) this new Chris Paul-less Clippers. Maybe it’s just because they now have Danilo Gallinari, may favorite NBA player (I don’t know why, either). Maybe it’s because they don’t have Chris Paul (my second least favorite NBA player). Either way, I’m kind of excited for this team. I’m ready for a huge Blake Griffin season and am fully invested in Milos Teodosic, who could easily supplant Gallo as my favorite player if he keeps firing no look passes for no reason other than the fact that he can. Unfortunately Doc Rivers is still the coach, which means Austin Rivers (who actually is kind of decent now) will play the whole game. If they can finally get Doc out of there, the Clippers might have something going.
Over/Under 42.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Getting rid of Chris Paul
Burning Question: How will DeAndre Jordan get any State Farm commercials without CP3?
Bold Prediction: Milos will average 15 assists per game in November until everyone just puts some freak athlete on him and ruins the fun
Portland Trail Blazers– The only potential playoff team in the West to pretty much come back with the same roster as last season (partly due to their brutal cap situation), the Trail Blazers are pretty much just going to be exactly what they were last year (difficult logic, I know). I have a soft spot for high scoring, high volume backcourt duos, so the Lillard-McCollum tag team is right up my alley. The only problem is they don’t have much else. Sure, Jusuf Nurkic plays an important role in the NBA’s underground crime syndicate, but he’s kind of just a big chunk of meat. There’s no real reliable third scoring option or second unit ballhandler, and they might have the worst backcourt defense in the league. If they make the playoffs, they won’t be there for long.
Over/Under 40.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Nothing
Burning Question: Did you know Portland was weird? You rarely hear about it
Bold Prediction: One game they’ll try to have Lillard or McCollum take every single shot
New Orleans Pelicans– Last season’s mad science experiment of acquiring DeMarcus Cousins to play next to Anthony Davis in a league obsessed with going small yielded pretty uneven results. The ‘Cans went 7-10 with Cousins in the lineup, but now they’ve had a full offseason to jell. They can learn each other’s tendencies, work out positioning, build up passing and (possible?) pick and roll chemistry, and get ready to dominate teams on the interior. A few issues: Anthony Davis is always nicked up. He misses games left and right every season and is dangerously close to “Mr. Glass” territory. DeMarcus doesn’t have the best reputation when it comes to team chemistry and willingness to be coached, and is always liable to get suspended. They also don’t have anything besides those two. I may count Jordan Crawford isos as reliable offense, but I think I’m in the minority. If either one goes down or if it just doesn’t work this team is absolutely done. Cousins is a free agent after this year, too, so if things aren’t going to plan he might get traded once again.
Over/Under 40.5 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: Signing (gulp) Rajon Rondo
Burning Question: Can we get J.R. Smith back in the Big Easy?
Bold Prediction: Everyone’s getting traded
Utah Jazz– Think the Jazz are the only West team to get this distinction, but Utah has been given the Official Brian’s Den Seal of Anti-Approval. Do not watch this team play basketball if you don’t share my unhealthy love of missed shots, shot clock violations, bad spacing, and turnovers. They’ll play stifling defense, sure, but that only adds to their inherent unwatchability. I just don’t know where the scoring is coming from since Gordon Hayward left Utah’s warm embrace (how could he?). The only saving grace will be Ricky Rubio (who I love) running some pick and roll with Rudy Gobert, who has a legitimate chance at Defensive Player of the Year. Barring a scoring explosion from Joe Ingles (can’t rule it out), Jazz will be sippin’ milk at home as the watch the playoffs.
Over/Under 38.5 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: Getting Rubio
Burning Question: Can Joseph Smith rise like a phoenix from the ashes of the burned Hayward jerseys?
Bold Prediction: Every big time free agent from now until forever will always choose to leave Utah
Memphis Grizzlies– Sad times in Memphis. Sad times indeed. A true end of an era. Grit ‘N’ Grind, gone but never forgotten. Without Z-Bo and Tony Allen, the Grizzlies’ well forged identity is gone. Sure, Mike Conley and Marc Gasol remain, but they’re not necessarily Grit ‘N’ Grind, they’re just really good players. And now without their spiritual rudder, the Grizzlies’ ship may go adrift in the rough waters of the Western Conference. Everyone on the roster outside of Conley and Gasol is either always hurt, young and unproven, or old and proven to be bad. There’s really not a lot to like and there doesn’t seem to be much of an identity. I love Marc Gasol. He’s one of my absolute favorite players to watch in the league. But he’s not a guy who’s going to drag his teammates up to his level and force them to win games. Conley is a bit, but he won’t be enough to keep them out of the lottery. Possibly the high lottery.
Over/Under 38.5 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: Getting Tyreke Evans (yikes)
Burning Question: Can we please just get Tony Allen back on the team?
Bold Prediction: Marc Gasol will be sad all season, which will make me sad
Dallas Mavericks– There’s too much blue in the NBA. That’s my take. Too many teams with some shade of blue as their primary color. Time to switch it up a bit.
Anyway, Dirk is one of my favorite player ever (is it bad that I keep listing all these white guys as my favorite players? I think I’ll just avoid talking about who I like from now on), so seeing him finish out his career on bum teams is a real downer. Hopefully him and Dennis Smith, Jr. can roast some people offensively, because I’m not sure if this team is going to stop anybody all season. Rick Carlisle should help them win more games than they should, though.
Over/Under 35.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Finally resigning Nerlens Noel after a bizarre contract negotiation
Burning Question: If they fail to make the playoffs again, will that be the reason that Mark Cuban is out? (A little Shark Tank joke because I give the people what they ask for)
Bold Prediction: Dirk will win All Star game MVP in my dreams
Los Angeles Lakers– Did you guys know that Lonzo Ball has that special passing gene that infects the whole team? Did you know he brings a special energy that lifts the team and will likely be enough to win the title this year? Did you know Lonzo is not only the best point guard in the NBA, but is also the best coach, and, soon enough, will be the best GM? If you didn’t, you’ll find out soon! Get ready to get hit in the head with the Lonzo-is-God storyline every time the Lakers win (or come close to winning) a game. It’s going to completely siphon all the fun out of the Ball family, and somehow it isn’t Lavar’s doing. Just the side effect of being on the Lakers/Yankees/Cowboys/Knicks. If you show any sign of promise whatsoever you’re the second coming automatically. How do you think we would up as Lonzo and Kyle Kuzma as the two favorites for MVP?
If you couldn’t tell, I don’t like the Lakers, and now I’m doubly rooting against them now that the Celtics get their pick if it falls between 2 and 5. Everyone always wants them to be good, but I’m fine with them being shitty, and they’re going to be shitty again this year, #sorrynotsorry. If Lonzo is afraid to play against De’Aaron Fox, what’s he going to do when Russell Westbrook comes to town?
Over/Under 32.5 Wins: Please Under
Key Offseason Move: Drafting Lavar Ball
Burning Question: Did you know Lonzo has a rare passing skill?
Bold Prediction: Lonzo will post the worst defensive rating of all time
Sacramento Kings– Kings are going to be terrible, but they’re going to be fun and terrible. I was about to say I like that they committed to just going young until I remembered they signing Zach Randolph and Vince Carter, who was born in 1977! And is still in the NBA! Crazy. I hope they don’t play those guys and George Hill too much, because I just want as much De’Aaron Fox as possible. I’m still on the Buddy Hield bandwagon, and the Labissiere-Cauley-Stein duo is Jay Bilas’s wet dream.
Over/Under 29 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: Getting George Hill
Burning Question: Is Sleep Train Arena the worst stadium name in history?
Bold Prediction: They’ll make a blockbuster move for malcontent and free-agent-to-be DeMarcus Cousins
Phoenix Suns– Someone needs to tell the purple teams it’s okay to have good teams. Sick of such a noble color being dragged down by these crappy teams.
Suns are trash. Devin Booker is good, but he’s not especially enjoyable to watch. Eric Bledsoe is good but fragile. Tyson Chandler is ollllllllllllllllllld. Everyone else is like 16.
Over/Under 28.5 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: ???
Burning Question: Why do they keep forcing weird black jerseys on us?
Bold Prediction: They’ll somehow get screwed in the lottery again
Gonna be a great season. Can’t wait.
Shadow of War Review
I may suffer withdrawals soon since I’m addicted to murdering orcs.
Rating: 💍💍💍💍💍💍💍💍💍
2017-18 NBA Preview- Eastern Conference
Here we are, at the start of another NBA season. If it feels earlier than usual, that’s because it is. The league is experimenting with a more stretched-out schedule in an effort to eliminate back-to-backs and improve player rest. If you’re upset about the early start, you probably didn’t pay attention to one of the greatest, most melodramatic (get it?) offseasons of all time. If you’re upset about the easier schedule, you probably played in the NBA sometime before 1985. Personally, I don’t know if I’ve ever been more hyped for an NBA season in my life. There’s so many amazing storylines and so many questions. So many great players switched teams, and seemingly every team in the league is going to have to adopt an at least slightly different play style. A ton of new jerseys. If you’ve read my site before, you know how this is going to go. If you haven’t what have you been doing with your life? Since divisions mean close to nothing outside of playoff seeding in the NBA, I’m just listing the conferences as a whole from top to bottom, starting with the East. Do I regret not spacing it out more and starting this earlier so I don’t need to cram all of this into a couple days? Not yet, but I probably will soon. Much like the Oracle of Delphi, the visions I see aren’t necessarily destined to come to pass, they’re just the most likely outcomes. All win totals taken from Vegas Insider.
Cleveland Cavaliers– Pretty quiet offseason for the three-time defending Eastern Conference champion. Not a whole lot going on. No drama. No big moves. Unless of course you want to count them trading the second best player on their team and signing the 2011 East All Star team as big moves.
At this point, pretty much everyone knows my thoughts on LeBron, Wade, Isaiah Thomas, D-Rose, and the rest of the boys. I think they’re in for a rude awakening. Isaiah might not play at all this season, and if he does he’s going to be like 50%. Wade and Rose might legitimately be the worst starting backcourt of any playoff team. J.R. is upset, so who knows what he’ll do. Now that Tristan Thompson has a mini-Kardashian on the way, the Kurse is reaching incurable levels. Will Kevin Love, Jae Crowder, and LeBron be enough to win a title? Maybe if the Warriors didn’t exist. Actually, no. Not even if the Warriors didn’t exist. You can’t win a championship in 2017 with three good players. You just can’t. You also can’t win a title if you don’t make the Finals. I’m having trouble seeing this roster as it’s currently constructed winning the East (I know, big surprise) unless LeBron ascends to an even higher plane of existence, which I probably shouldn’t rule out. They also might not care enough to chase a top seed in the regular season, so be prepared for a flood of takes about how bad the Cavs are in the early part of the season.
Also, what’s up with their jerseys? As I’ve said before, I’m a big maroon guy and I’m a big yellow guy when it comes to uniforms. For as much as I dislike the Cavs, I thought their jerseys were on point. Their home and aways, alternates, throwbacks, all of it. But now? maroon and black? Yuck! What was Nike thinking? Terrible look, and they should feel bad about themselves.
Over/Under 54.5 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: Trading Kyrie for Isaiah, Jae Crowder, Ante Zizic, and the Nets pick
Burning Question: Will Isaiah fit out or fit in?
Bold Prediction: The first time they go to Miami, LeBron and Wade will pick up mysterious injuries so they can take a mini-vacation.
Boston Celtics– I know I’m biased, but, to me, this is the best team in the East. There’s going to be an adjustment period early on. This is pretty much an entirely new roster, and the players are going to have to find out their roles on the fly. But once they click, watch out. I really wish they didn’t trade Avery Bradley, but, realistically, they had to do it to make the contracts work, and, even though I love Avery, Gordon Hayward is much better player offensively. Last year one of the Celtics’ biggest issues was a lack of a secondary ballhandler. Hayward helps that. They still won’t be able to rebound, which could seriously hurt them against the Cavs, but they’ll still be dynamic defensively, particularly if Jaylen Brown takes a step forward in his second season. Celtics will win the East, I guarantee it.
Over/Under 53.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Trading for Kyrie/signing Hayward
Burning Question: Is Brad Stevens coaching for his job?
Bold Prediction: They’ll take the Warriors to 5 games in the Finals
Washington Wizards– Everyone wants to complain about the East, but I actually think there’s some interesting teams here, particularly the ones that didn’t really do anything in the offseason. Virtually the only team that has any (delusional as they may be) championship aspirations to sit on their hands and say “we’re good,” the Wizards come into the season with the exact same rotation as last year (they didn’t even have a draft pick). Certainly putting a lot of faith in John Wall (who’s earned all the confidence in the world) and Bradley Beal (who’s had one good/healthy season). The rest of the roster is pretty uninspiring if you ask me. Otto Porter is a nice wing player, but he also had his only good season during a contract year. Gortat is a corpse at this point, whatever Morris they have is just as likely to murder someone as guard them, and Kelly Oubre has the biggest boy-named-sue syndrome of all time. John Wall is really, really good. He’s going to win games singlehandedly and elevate this team to more than the sum of its parts. But to suggest they’re better than Boston or Cleveland is pure lunacy.
Over/Under 48.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Signing John Wall to a yuuuuuuuuuge extension
Burning Question: Who stole the Declaration of Independence?
Bold Prediction: Wall finished top 5 in MVP and they lose second round.
Toronto Raptors– We’re really running this back again, huh? The Lowry-Derozan era just refuses to end, which means we’re going to have to sit through another playoff series or two of the Raptors banging their heads against the wall. Cool. Gonna be great. Don’t be surprised if the Raptors spend a good portion of the first half in first or second place. Cavs and Celtics have a lot of new pieces to fit into their rotation, and the Raptors longtime chemistry should help them look much better than they really are against teams scrambling to find themselves. I don’t really get why they refuse to make any kind of changes, but here we are.
Over/Under 47.5 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: Nothing
Burning Question: Who will Drake root for when they get eliminated?
Bold Prediction: They’ll talk about trading Valanciunas but won’t
Milwaukee Bucks– Another team that didn’t do a whole lot in the offseason, but rather than banking on known quantities like the Wizards and Raptors, the Bucks are putting their faith in the unknown future of their young players, particularly Giannis Antetokounmpo, who, despite already being an All-NBA-level player, still feels like a ball of clay that can be moulded to fit whatever the team needs, and Thon Maker, a “20 year-old” center who has a bit of a “Giannis-lite” feel to him at the moment. It should tell you all you need to know about who the Bucks want to build their franchise around that Jabari Parker, an explosive scorer who does the best Carmelo Anthony impression in the league but has horrible injury luck, is probably on the market. The Bucks seem to be at the forefront of human cloning technology, since outside of Matthew Dellavedova, everyone on the roster looks the same. They’ll press, they’ll switch everything, and they’ll try to create chaos on defense then get out in transition. Whether or not that actually works will probably decide coach Jason Kidd’s future.
Over/Under 46.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Nothing
Burning Question: Do people in Milwaukee still like Happy Days?
Bold Prediction: They’ll wind up as the 2 seed in the East
Miami Heat– Can they keep it going? After a wasted first half of the season, the Heat had a blistering second half (winning 13 in a row at one point), nearly making an impossible run to the playoffs. Is the formula repeatable? Maybe. We pretty much know what their top players will do: Goran Dragic will live in the lane, warping his body around bigger players for creative finishes. Hassan Whiteside will relentlessly hunt rebounds, blocks, and alley-oops. Dion Waiters will continue to be a religious experience. Everyone else is kind of a weird player. James Johnson is a bear defensively, but he’s the definition of a late bloomer. Tyler Johnson’s Riff Raff lookin’ ass could just as easily get lost in an Everglades Krokodil den then show up for a basketball game. Yes, Kelly Olynyk is the true Maple Jordan and provides needed floor spacing, but I’m not sure where his minutes are going to come from. I have faith in Erik Spoelstra, though. Spo has the distinction of being the only person who’s ever coached LeBron that actually knows what he’s doing and wasn’t just a whipping boy, and I think he’s the second-best coach in the East behind Brad Stevens. He’ll know how to get the most out of this team, and, even if they stumble out of the blocks again, the East is bad enough to keep them in it all year.
Over/Under 42.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Opening up the first Southern branch of the Olynyk Klynyk
Burning Question: Does Pat Riley still get triggered when he thinks about LeBron and D-Wade?
Bold Prediction: Whiteside will get ejected at least three times
Charlotte Hornets– Have I mentioned I went to UConn? I don’t think I have yet, so I’ll tell this story to prove that I did. My freshman year, A.K.A. the year Kemba Walker won the National Championship, my dad came to visit and for whatever reason we went to Applebee’s. After we ate I went to the bathroom and saw Kemba, Shabazz Napier, and some other guy sitting at a table. That’s the end of the story. I didn’t talk to them or anything. I just saw them at an Applebee’s one time. Pretty much everyone on the basketball team during my time was fairly present throughout campus. I saw Shabazz, Jeremy Lamb, Andre Drummond, Tyler Olander, Niels Giffey, and other fairly regularly (it was no coincidence, since most of them had the same fake major as I had). But Kemba was a bit of a ghost. The Applebee’s encounter and one fleeting, magical moment when I passed him on the sidewalk with no one else around (I was taller, which means I’m taller than two NBA all stars, which is crazy to think about) were the only times I ever saw him when he wasn’t playing basketball. And now he’s an All Star. What a world.
Hornets are going to be really boring to watch, just warning you now.
Over/Under 42.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Trading for (vomits) Dwight Howard
Burning Question: When LeBron buys a team, will we have to sit through another round of MJ vs LeBron debates?
Bold Prediction: I will watch exactly one (1) full Hornets game this year
Philadelphia 76ers– The Sixers are the name on everyone’s lips in the East this season, as it seems like the long, dark road The Process took the franchise down is finally approaching the end. No word on whether the same results would have been met without the martyrdom of Sam Hinkie. Assuming relative health, the Sixers are going to be fun, dynamic, and explosive. Joel Embiid is an excellent player when he actually plays. Ben Simmons looks amazing in the preseason (take it with all the salt in the world). Markelle Fultz looks…..bad. No clue what the hell he’s thinking reworking his shot, let alone turning it into the ugliest thing ever. Dario Saric probably should have won rookie of the year. J.J. Redick and Robert Covington will fill the wings and shoot a million 3s. But that’s it. They still have a Process-level bench. They’re still super young and are going to be mostly terrible defensively. I know it’s no fun to suggest, but the Sixers are still going to be bad this year. They still might make the playoffs, because, in case you hadn’t heard, the East is weak this year, but they’ll be bad.
Over/Under 42.5 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: Trading up to get Markelle Fultz
Burning Question: Can someone make sure Embiid doesn’t see this? I don’t want to get roasted on twitter
Bold Prediction: They’ll somehow wind up with two more top five picks on their team next year.
Detroit Pistons– Now we’re starting to get into depressing territory. The bottom half of the East is very, very, very, very, very, very bad, but someone has to win games and make the playoffs. Congrats, Detroit! You get to miss out on a lottery pick to get destroyed in the first round! Drummond and Avery Bradley are my guys, but the rest of the roster is gross. Reggie Jackson sabotages pretty much any attempt at offense because he thinks Russell Westbrook (he’s not) and Tobias Harris is just an anthropomorphic shrug emoji. Team sucks, but it doesn’t suck as much as the next few teams.
Over/Under 38.5 Wins: Over I guess
Key Offseason Move: Trading for Avery Bradley
Burning Question: Can you get full Hot ‘n’ Ready pizzas in Little Caesars Arena? Asking for a friend
Bold Prediction: At some point Boban will play a full game and get 33 and 21
New York Knicks– Hey, at least Phil’s gone, right? The Knicks will be eternally cursed so long as James Dolan owns the team, which, last time I check, he still does. After finally dumping Melo for roughly a quarter of his value, the Knicks are left with way too many big guys who are all blocking each other from playing time. They have no wing depth at all after Courtney Lee and $71 million (???) man Tim Hardaway, Jr., and should be starting rookie point guard Frank Ntilikina. Not good.
Over/Under 30.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Not #stayingme7o
Burning Question: Will Enes Kanter respect the Garden?
Bold Prediction: Dolan will have security remove Clyde Frazier mid-broadcast for criticizing him
Orlando Magic– Magic have to be the most depressing team in the league. There’s no direction, there’s no plan, there’s no hope. The roster is so poorly constructed. They have a million big guys and combo guards. Elfrid Peyton stiiiiinks. Magic are horrible and I hope you never have the misfortune of watching them play.
Over/Under 30.5 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: Not doing anything that could help them win games
Burning Question: If they just didn’t play any games this season, would anyone care?
Bold Prediction: Frank Vogel will have absolutely no idea what to do with this roster
Indiana Pacers– The only team that might turn out to be worse to watch than the Magic. Really no idea why they thought a bunch of Thunder spare parts was all they could get for Paul George, but that’s all they got. They’ll be quite bad.
The most interesting thing about them is obviously the new jerseys. Personally, I’m a fan of the circular team name on the front, but the sides have a very college-feel to them. Not what you want from an NBA jersey, but I’m still a sucker from blue and yellow.
Over-Under 30.5 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: Getting blackmailed into giving up Paul George for nothing
Burning Question: When’s Larry Bird coming back?
Bold Prediction: They will play some basketball this season
Atlanta Hawks– I can confirm the initial reports that the Hawks do, indeed, have at least 15 players signed on the roster.
Over/Under 27.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Trading Paul Millsap
Burning Question: Is it possible for Sir Foster to win league MVP?
Bold Prediction: Your dad that somehow doesn’t notice things like jersey changes will have a powerful take about the Hawks jerseys that debuted last year
Brooklyn Nets– Please be good, please be good, please be good, please be good, please be good, please be good, please be good, please be good, please be good, please be good, please be good, please be good.
If any team but the Cavs now had Brooklyn’s first round pick, I wouldn’t be all that worried about the Nets getting the number one pick again, but the Cavs have some dark magic (the league rigs the lottery) that allows them to get the number one pick every time they possibly can. The roster is awful, but there’s just so many terrible teams in the league, and the Nets have a good enough coach/front office combo that they’ll manufacture a couple wins. I’m all in on the D’Angelo Russell-Jeremy Lin experience.
Over/Under 26.5 Wins: Over
Key Offseason Move: Trading for D’Angelo Russell
Burning Question: Can we get Jay-Z back in the mix?
Bold Prediction: The Nets will trade their 2019 first round pick because they want to stick to what they know
Chicago Bulls– When you’re clearly the worst team in this conference, you know you’re bad.
Over/Under 22.5 Wins: Under
Key Offseason Move: Exorcising the ghost of Dwyane Wade (and trading Jimmy Butler)
Burning Question: How many more terrible moves can the front office make before anyone gets fired?
Bold Prediction: They’ll still wind up on national TV a million times
Western Conference coming Tuesday
NFL Week 6 Picks
Boy, it’s a good thing I don’t publish my Thursday Night picks, because Color Rush is really messing with me this season. Here I was, thinking a flaming-hot Cam Newton could turn a banged-up Eagles defense into smoldering rubble while the excellent Panthers D put the clamps on Carson Wentz and the boyz. Turns out Cam sucks and the Panthers can’t really stop anyone when Luke Kuechly dies on the field (maybe for real this time). That’s just the beauty of Color Rush, though. What’s fair is foul, what’s foul is fair, Philly is winning big games. The world turns upside down on Thursday Night. Luckily for all of you, I’m roughly 100-0 for non-Color Rush games this season. Lines from Bovada.
Green Bay Packers (-3) at Minnesota Vikings
Can’t wait to watch the number 4 quarterback in Total QBR toss the pigskin around, gonna be great. What’s that? No, not Aaron Rodgers. Case Keenum! Reason number 10982347 the NFL is stupid: Case Keenum, who had started 24 games before this year and was bad in pretty much all of them, is now playing well because…..why? Are teams not prepared for him? Is the coaching so bad that the injection of known wildcard Case Keenum really enough to ruin gameplans? I’m sure he’ll light up the Packers because the Packers defense is horrible, but we all know how this is gonna go. I’m already seeing the Jordy Nelson out route in the corner of the end zone with 7 seconds left.
Pick: Packers -3
New England Patriots (-10) at New York Jets
Pats defense stinks! The can’t protect Brady at all! Patriots are done! Jets are on fire! Who can stop McCown? Forget number one pick, can the Jets make the playoffs? (BTW, I totally called this)
Pick: Pats -10
San Fransisco 49ers at Washington Redskins (-11)
You know what they say, throw out the record books when Pierre Garçon comes back to his former stadiums. I’ll just say this- this game might be bad enough to get the name conversation going again: with the ever-increasing wage gap and the growing value of gold, is it time to change the 49ers name so people don’t feel bad about their current wealth status? Tough to say.
Pick: 49ers +11
Chicago Bears at Baltimore Ravens (-7)
Ohhhhhh my godddddddddddddd my eyes are already bleeding thinking about this game. You know what? I’m going to further the cause, here. I vow not to watch every second of this game to stand (kneel?) in solidarity with the various protests centered around NFL games.
Pick: Ravens -7
Detroit Lions at New Orleans Saints (-4)
Did you know the Saints have allowed the fewest points in the NFC? Crazy, right? Talk about an unexpected development! Wait, what’s that? Only the Bucs, Colts, and Pats have allowed more yards? So it’s probably fools gold propped up by playing the Dolphins? And that even a team as anemic as the Lions could light them up if they feel like showing up? Yeah, this is gonna be a track meet.
Pick: Lions +4
Miami Dolphins at Atlanta Falcons (-13)
Pick: Falcons -13
Cleveland Browns at Houston Texans (-10)
Imagine an old whaling ship that’s filled to the brim with barrels and barrels of whale oil, but they got greedy and speared another huge sperm whale, then hauled the big carcass onboard in chunks, only during the process of turning the blubber into oil, something caught fire, then all of a sudden all the barrels explode as the ship and carcass catch fire, creating a giant tower of black smoke and a huge, corrosive smudge of oil and death on the ocean. Combine that smell with the garbage on New York City streets and you have the Browns.
Pick; Texans -10
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-2) at Arizona Cardinals
Hey, it’s Carson Palmer vs. Younger Carson Palmer! Or is it Jameis Winston vs. Older Jameis Winston? Either way, expect a lot of passing yards, a lot of bad sacks, a lot of turnovers, and some missed kicks. Since it’s not in Tampa, there’s no chance for the weather delay needed for Bucs Bingo. I’m anti-Cardinals because I think they’re secretly the worst team to watch in the league, so I’ll go Bucs.
Pick: Bucs -2
Los Angeles Rams at Jacksonville Jaguars (-2.5)
God, I’m sick of these matchups. Every year, the NFL somehow rigs the scheduling so the absolute dregs of the league play against the worst division in the other conference, and we get stuck with the 3-2 Rams and the 3-2 Jags? They both actually look good? Jags defense is finally looking dominant after years of building up promise? The Rams have a coach that understands basic offensive strategy and it’s turned them into a somewhat viable contended overnight? Weird how smart decision making can make teams good. The rest of the NFL should try it sometime. For as good as both teams look on paper, this game is going to look just as bad. I can envision Leonard Fournette being assimilated into the cosmic entity known as Aaron Donald sometime during the third quarter, with Blake Bortles soon following. Jared Goff’s looked good, but outside Seattle they’ve pretty much exclusively played against bad defenses, so pardon me if I’m not expecting much out of him. This is gonna be ugly, physical, low scoring, and a game most people would soon like to forget (and, if they’re an actual player, they soon will!).
Pick: Rams +2.5
Los Angeles Chargers at Oakland Raiders
There’s no spread on this game because apparently Derek Carr is attempting to play with a broken spine, which is sure to end well. If he does play, he’ll be seriously hampered, and, don’t tell anyone, but he’s been really really stinky this season, and I don’t think Joey Bosa and Melvin Ingram particularly care if the quarterback their demolishing is hurt or not. Raiders defense is ass, and the Chargers quietly have one the better offenses in the league (o-line notwithstanding). Plus, there’s some concern over the air quality with the wildfires in Northern California, and the mayor of San Diego said he’s willing to host the game, which would be amaaaaaaaaazing and so so awkward and I want it to happen so bad.
Pick: Chargers +whatever
Pittsburgh Steelers at Kansas City Chiefs (-4.5)
Please, tell me again how the Steelers are the biggest competition to the Pats. Please tell me about how no one can dream of stopping their offense or scoring on them. I’ll wait. I’ve got all day. Go ahead, make the case. Tell me why I should pick a horrible Steelers team with the worst chemistry of all time going on the road, where they STINK, to the second toughest place to play in the league against the last undefeated team. You can’t.
Pick: Chiefs -4.5
New York Giants at Denver Broncos (-12)
Is this really the best we could get on Sunday night?
Pick: Giants +12
Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans
Another game with no spread because of injuries, this game will either become a complete massacre or an unwatchable slog depending on whether or not Marcus Mariota plays. I’m praying he doesn’t, so we can get the highly coveted Former Brady Backup matchup in Jacoby Brissett vs. Matt Cassell.
Pick: Titans/nobody
Bonus College Picks
- Washington State -17 at Cal
- TCU at Kansas State Over 50
- Oklahoma vs Texas +9
- Auburn -7.5 at LSU
- Ohio State -24.5 at Nebraska
Super Bonus MLB Championship Series Preview
I didn’t really feel like making a separate post for this, mostly because clearly everything I thought I knew was completely shattered by the events of the Division Series. On paper, these are two awesome matchups that should produce long, even series full of drama, twists, turns, and excitement. Or my nightmare will become reality. Who knows?
American League
New York Yankees vs Houston Astros
We get it, the Yankees are going to win the World Series. Cool. Someone put a bullet in my brain.
Pick: Yankees in 4
National League
Chicago Cubs vs. Los Angeles Dodgers
A rematch of last year’s NLCS, both teams are coming in to this in pretty opposite positions as last year. The Dodgers spent the majority of the season as prohibitive favorite, had a bad month or two, then blasted their first round opponent. Sound like any team you remember? Then the Cubs, somehow overlooked after the most heavily publicized championship ever, had a forgettably good regular season then grinded out a brutal Division Series against the Nats where they looked downright bad at times. Sounds like last year’s Dodgers. What I’m saying is I expect the Dodgers to win, much like the Cubs won last year.
Pick: Dodgers in 6
What’s the Deal with Microtransactions?
Much like every other time I write about video games, I feel like I should offer a disclaimer that I’m about to put on my gaming nerd hat, and if you don’t play video games or couldn’t care less, I won’t be too offended if you skip this one.
As someone who’s pretty plugged into the gaming world, the main talking point I’ve seen for the last couple months is the rise of microtransactions. In-game purchases that expedite the improvement of a character, give the player a competitive advantage, or just give the player some cool new gear. In games with an emphasis on online play and competitive matches, it can seem almost necessary to buy all the perks you can lest you get left behind by all the other people who did. The complaints are pretty simple- if I already paid for the full game, why should I be forced to pay even more after? Why does every game need them? In the case of DLC expansion missions, why not just release the entire game at once? Personally, I had never really gotten overly worked up about it. I usually avoid shooters (I’m very bad at them), and I thought the biggest culprits for microtransactions were phone games and shooters, particularly ones like Overwatch, whose loot box system is pretty much just another form of gambling. Then NBA 2K18 came out, whipping up a storm of controversy with the pretty clear encouragement to spend a lot of actual money in the game. And, again, I wasn’t all that upset. NBA 2K has been an important thing in my life for about a decade now, and there’s been microtransactions for at least six years. I figured the people who were upset had just never really played before. Then once I started playing, I found the presence of microtransactions to be pretty overwhelming. Within an hour of playtime, my MyPlayer was already way behind everyone else. Then I realized that part of the reason I was unfazed by the reports of microtransactions in one of my games was that I had grown accustomed to them without even realizing it. Madden and Fifa have made buying points a necessity for completing in their various Ultimate Team modes for years. Star Wars Battlefront was one of the most heinous examples of sapping consumers dry of all time, and it doesn’t look like Battlefront 2 will be any different. Pretty much every game I buy has a special edition for $20 more that comes with special perks that you just have to have if you want the full experience. Even Shadow of War has them, and once the cold arm of capitalism comes for Middle Earth, I’m invested. But beyond just being kind of annoyed, I can’t really get too mad about it. For one, they kind of prop up the gaming industry as a whole. When companies have more money, they can hire better people and make more, better games. That’s no the worst thing. Secondly, I’m kind of just really lazy and have no willpower, so I’m usually inclined to take the easy way out.
Final Fantasy XV is a prime example for me. There are still a lot of things I haven’t accomplished, including the hardest dungeon, the secret post-game dungeon, and the secret hard mode of every dungeon. That’s an awful lot left for a game I loved playing and invested a lot of time into. So why the cold feet? Because even after a meticulous play through of the main story and like 95% of the side quests I’m still extremely underleveled. And I realized I’m just too old to level grind. I just can’t do it anymore. Unless it’s a transcendent game I literally can’t stop playing (any Pokemon, Witcher 3, Persona 5, the Arkham games, etc.), I can’t sit there and fight the same enemies for days on end. There’s just too many other things I could be doing. What’s the payoff? Sure there’s bragging rights. But these days, you can find any part of any game ever on YouTube. It’s already how I solve any puzzle that befuddles me, anyway (if I’m stuck on a puzzle for more than 45 minutes, I’m looking up the answer). At the moment where I knew I was probably out, if the game gave me the option of paying however much to get a bunch of high level weapons and training boosts and all that, I probably would have paid (actually, I think there was the option to purchase various exp boosters, so score one for me for resisting!). As a Millennial, I’m used to being cast as the pantomime villain for the various problems with today’s society (yes, a lot of people my age are terrible people. A lot of old people are terrible people, too), but one thing I won’t really fight is the idea that we all have tiny attention spans and need to be doing a million things at once. Now, I have no problem devoting a long time to doing, watching, or playing one thing, but it takes something special to keep me from using two or three screens at once. And the more repetitive and monotonous the thing is, the more my attention is wont to wane. So if a game tells me if you want this sweet looking outfit you can either pay $5 or play for hours and hours and hours, I’ll start off trying to earn it organically, but I usually have a good sense of whether a game is good enough to keep playing forever, and, if it isn’t, I’m going to start justifying spending the money real fast. It’s just a fact. I don’t like it and I wish there wasn’t the option to spend even more money than I already do on video games, but it’s a fact.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we can get as upset as we want over microtransactions, but they’re not going anywhere. There’s just too much money involved, and, using myself as representation for the entirety of the gaming population, people are always going to wind up completing a microtransaction at least once. Maybe it’s only $1, but if a game sells 10 million copies and everyone spends $1 extra, now there’s $10 million more in profit than there would have been without the in game purchases. You can complain about it online to your heart’s content, but I highly doubt all these companies are suddenly going to develop a conscience overnight. The only thing that will stop microtransactions is a lack of profit, which won’t happen. Believe me, I’ve tried to hold off. I got one of the special editions of NBA 2K18 (Best Buy Gamers Club 20% off all games, boiiiiiiiii) and told myself that was enough. By my second week of play, I had no choice but to spend more money if I wanted to compete online, which is one of the reasons I get the games in the first place. It’s annoying and depressing and unfair, but it’s just the way games are these days. Every game will have their own marketplace soon if they don’t already. Every game will have some kind of loot system that you can pay to get around. Every game will EXCLUSIVE dlc that you can ONLY get by preordering the Gold Edition from Gamestop. It’s easy to say just don’t buy anything in-game, but it gets hard when the people you’re playing with or against are miles ahead of you because they took the shortcut. It’s pretty much become pay to win or don’t play at all. That’s a bummer for a lot of people, and the only real solution is for companies to eliminate microtransactions, and, barring some unexpected government interference, I doubt that’ll ever happen. So maybe go back and play some old games, maybe just wait until they release the edition that has the dlc built in (I got the Witcher 3 edition that included both major dlc expansions for $30, biggest steal of all time), maybe resist the transactions and embrace the grind again. Build up your character the old fashioned way and feel like you accomplished something. Fight the man with elbow grease, just like your grandpa did! And if you don’t feel like doing any of that, you’d better get ready to pony up.
U.S. Soccer Fails to Qualify for the World Cup
That was the most embarrassing display I’ve ever seen from one of my sports teams. At least I still have Crystal Palace.
I’d say go Ireland, but I already know they’ll lose their playoff.
What the Hell is Isaiah Thomas Talking About?
source– “I might not ever talk to Danny again. That might not happen. I’ll talk to everybody else. But what he did, knowing everything I went through, you don’t do that, bro. That’s not right. I’m not saying eff you. But every team in this situation comes out a year or two later and says, ‘We made a mistake.’ That’s what they’ll say, too.”
There’s a lot going on in the sports world right now, and don’t worry, my thoughts on what is surely to be the official death of soccer are forthcoming, but I had to address this real quick. Seriously, what on EARTH is Isaiah talking about here? Everyone knows I’m not a Danny Ainge guy. I’ve been frustrated with his reluctance to make moves and lack of transparency. This isn’t a “you’re not on the team anymore so you suck and I have to discredit everything you say” situation. This is a “why are you being such a hypocrite?” situation.
Isaiah loves, and I mean loooooooooooooooves to bitch about loyalty. How Ainge has none and he was stabbed in the back and whatnot. Keep in mind that all season all Isaiah could talk about was how much the Celtics were going to have to pay him for him to stick around and there was no home town discount. Where’s the loyalty there? He bragged about his role in trying to land Kevin Durant. Where was the loyalty to his current teammates? He bragged about his role in signing Al Horford. Where was the loyalty to his current teammates? He bragged about his role in signing Gordon Hayward. Where was the loyalty to his current teammates? He just picks and chooses where to invoke his loyalty argument, and it’s always to his benefit. If he was so proud of himself for swaying Gordon Hayward’s decision, why didn’t he say anything about the fact that it pretty much guaranteed Avery Bradley, a fellow Tacoma, Washington native and the perfect back court mate to any creative scoring guard, wouldn’t come back. But signing Hayward gave Isaiah a better chance to win, so who cares, right? It’s just business. Grow up. Stop being a crybaby and admit that you’re just desperate to create chips on your shoulder so you can motivate yourself to never play defense again.
Listen, I’ll never forget what Isaiah did for the Celtics. He energized the franchise and helped make it an appealing free agent destination. He had one of the greatest single seasons of any Celtic player in my lifetime, and the things he did in the playoffs were beyond inspiration considering everything that happened to him. But the Celtics never told him they were going to sign him long term. He was super excited to test the free agent market until the Celtics decided for him. Now there’s no loyalty. He was always one of foremost “no such thing as loyalty” players, but when something didn’t go his way, time to start spouting about lack of loyalty. Makes sense! I hope by now everyone understands my stance on loyalty. It’s all nonsense and people should always do what’s best for them. I respected Isaiah because he never made any illusions about it. He wanted as much money as possible and he didn’t really care who it was from. But now he does a 180 because he got traded? Please. Just say you don’t want to play with LeBron, everyone will understand. This just feels so fabricated and forced. We’re not children. We can remember all the times you had an exact opposite viewpoint. Don’t spit on my head and tell me it’s raining.
John Farrell Gets Fired
I always knew Dave Dombrowski was a loyal reader. Less than two days after I called for John Farrell’s head, the Red Sox announced they were officially in the market for a new manager. Listen, he’s not the only one to blame. I know I made it sound like everything was his fault, but I was running solely on hatred when I wrote that. He’s the worst tactical manager in the league and can’t get the best out of any of his players on a day-to-day basis and can’t manage a clubhouse at all, but he’s not the one on the field. The fate of this team going forward still rests in the hands of a roster that clearly needs some work. They’re behind Houston, they’re behind Cleveland, and they’re probably behind the Yankees. As they’re currently constructed, they’re not going to win a World Series. That’s not Farrell’s fault, and improving the roster needs to be the chief concern this offseason, not getting a shiny new manager. Thinking that merely changing the leadership is enough to push the team over the top is asinine. I honestly don’t even care who they hire. Just give him a pop quiz about basic baseball strategy and make sure people like him. That’ll be enough for an upgrade.
Anyway, clearly I’ve got some kind of serious pull or maybe even magic powers. Like a white Lavar Ball, I’ve spoken something into existence almost immediately. What are the limits to this power? Are there limits? Guess I have to test it out. I have no choice but to issue a ton of ultimatums now.
- Taco Bell needs to bring back Cheesy Double Beef Burritos and keep them on the goddamn menu for more than three weeks or I’ll become a Burger King guy
- John Wick 3 needs to come out ASAP or I’ll become a Transformers guy
- Celtics need to acquire Kevin Durant and Anthony Davis or I’ll become a Cavs fan
- McDonald’s needs to make Mac Sauce available as a dipping sauce or I’ll become a Burger King guy
- Chick-Fil-a needs to open a location next to my house or I’ll become a Burger King guy
- I need to become a billionaire overnight or I’ll become a rupee guy
- Cheez-It needs to sign me to an endorsement deal where I get free Cheez-Its for life or I’ll become a Cheese Nips guy
- Fall weather better kick in soon or I’ll become a Mars guy
- I need to be an NPC in the next Pokemon game or I’ll become a Digimon guy (just kidding, I already am)
If these come to pass, I may get even more ambitious. That summer blockbuster you’re looking forward to might have a new leading man. Everyone wants someone new to be good in the NBA, so maybe the Hawks get a new explosive wing player ready to take over the league. Maybe Young Sheldon gets cancelled. Who knows what could happen.
If John Farrell Ever Manages Another Game for the Red Sox I’m Renouncing My Fandom
Red Sox lost. A Gentleman’s Sweep, 3-1. I don’t know if you can still have a Gentleman’s Sweep in a five game series, but whatever. They looked listless and lifeless in the first two games, came roaring back in game 3 after David Price made the Astros call him daddy, then blew it in game 4 thanks to the worst managerial staff of all time. John Farrell is the biggest idiot of all time. A true buffoon. A moron of the highest order. I’m not sure he actually understands the game of baseball at a little league level. He needs to be fired ASAP. He needs to be fired before I finish writing this. He needs to be fired before he can infect Giancarlo Stanton (who the Sox are sure to give up everyone they’ve ever scouted for, can’t wait) or J.D. Martinez (who will cost $800 million, but, hey, it’s not my money) with whatever disease he infested this team with. The main symptoms are apathy and terrible baserunning decisions, and everyone on the 2017 Red Sox caught the bug.
I’m just so sick of Farrell. He cost them this series almost singlehandedly. He cost them last season’s playoffs. He’s cost them countless games through the years. This series was the perfect microcosm of his foolishness: Don’t start Hanley in game one; instead start Nunez who couldn’t even walk and get surprised when he gets hurt. Don’t start Devers in game 2 even though he destroys left-handed pitching so you can start lefty specialist Chris Young, who had a .590 OPS against lefties this year. Started Doug Fister. Left his starters in way too long every game as they were getting absolutely destroyed, digging insurmountable holes. Refused to put Craig Kimbrel in the game. When he finally did today, (I know he was ejected today, but come on. They were still his decisions) it was in the middle of the 8th, instead of the start of the inning for some reason. He left Chris Sale, who had shown the Astros the what the Face of God looks like for four innings but was clearly done, in the game to start said 8th inning, only to be surprised when he game up a tying home run. Messed with the batting order despite Xander Bogaerts finally getting his rhythm back in the leadoff spot, because…..I don’t know why. He doesn’t understand how baseball works anymore. Last season completely changed how you have to manage games. You can’t just be like “oh, he’s the starter give him time to work through it,” or “a closer is only for the ninth inning.” The best pitchers have to pitch in the biggest innings, and, newsflash, that’s pretty much always the first, when, you know, their best players hit. There can’t be any kind of leash in the postseason. If someone allows the first three guys to get on, take him out. It’s not rocket science. I wouldn’t have hated it if Kimbrel started every game. At least they wouldn’t have been down a million to nothing. Whatever. This team was cursed the second they let Pablo Sandoval into the locker room. A full season without that fat piece of shit will be exactly that the doctor ordered.
Now that the Sox are out, I’m really only rooting against the Yankees. I’d pretty much be fine with anyone else winning, but I’d prefer the Indians (Francona), Astros (fellow UConn alum George Springer), or Diamondbacks (former Red Sox manager-to-be Torey Lovullo and future Red Sox J.D. Martinez and Paul Goldschmidt). Just not the Yankees. I really don’t want to have to deal with that this year.
Brian's Den 