Author: Brian

The Official Pokemon Game Power Ranking

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(This might be a little niche for some, so I’ll forgive you for skipping this)

Unless you’re a diehard like me, you probably missed the fact that, over the weekend, Nintendo released Pokemon Gold and Silver for 3DS. There was nothing new, it wasn’t updated or anything. It was just the original Game Boy Color version available for download on the Nintendo eShop. Heck, I’m as plugged in to the Pokemon world as anyone, and I didn’t know about it until Friday night, when I immediately bought it. For only $10, it seemed like a no-brainer. After all, this was one of my favorite games of all time, and, if you count Game Boy as a true video game console (which I usually don’t), the first video game I ever owned. Might as well download it for a rainy day. Unsurprisingly, from the second I purchased Gold (I originally had Silver and later Soul Silver, so I figured I’d see how the other half lived), it began calling my name. I started playing the next day. And, more than anything else, it made me want to write about Pokemon, because, besides sports and myself, it’s the thing I’m most passionate about. I know, I know. It’s stupid and I should grow up. Well, I don’t really care. I’ve lost out on countless opportunities to spread my social wings so I could stay in and play Pokemon. I once played White for thirteen hours in one day. In the post-Generation II worlds, I’m willing to spend entire days catching the same Pokemon over and over again until I get one with the nature I’m looking for. I live to EV train and super train and, at one point or another, have pretty much known every single Pokemon’s strengths and weaknesses. Point is, I care way too much about Pokemon, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d rather be passionate about something juvenile and make-believe than not care about anything at all. So yes, I am still single.

Anyway, now that that’s out of the way, I can focus on the issue at hand. My previous Pokemon posts have been exclusively about my Pokemon football league (round 3 possibly coming soon?), but now that I’m back in to Gold and with Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon looming, it’s time to unveil the Official Brian’s Den Pokemon Rankings. This only takes main series hand-held games into account, so no Pokemon Stadium 1 or 2, no Colosseum, no Snap, no nothing. Only the true games. Also, Crystal is excluded because, somehow, it’s the only main series game I’ve never played. It may seem impossible once I get to the actual rankings that I would have skipped the third entry to the Johto games, but it’s true. Literally every other generation I’ve played at least one of the initial games and the third game, but Crystal remains unplayed. Maybe one day. As always, if you disagree with these rankings, you’re wrong.

  1. Gold/Silver/Heart Gold/Soul Silver– I’ve decided to include any remakes in with their original counterparts because it’s less work for me, but even if they were two separate entities, it wouldn’t change much. It’s my personal opinion that Gold and Silver are easily the greatest Game Boy games of all time. They may also be the greatest games of all time, period. The way the world looks is perfect. The colors are so bold and work perfectly every step of the way. It has the greatest 8-bit soundtrack of all time. It has the luxury of using the first two Pokemon generations, two of the strongest generations. It has much more plot than Red and Blue, but doesn’t overdo it like the later games tend to do. I think the first erection I ever got was when I discovered you could face all the Kanto gym leaders after you beat the Elite Four. It’s literally two full Pokemon games in one. Its a perfect Pokemon experience. The fact that the DS updates could take all that and make it better still blows my mind.
  2. X/Y– The first Pokemon game to come to 3DS (and the only reason I bought a 3DS)(Diamond and Pearl were also the only reason I bought a DS)(The only reason I’ll get a switch is when they release a Pokemon game for it, honestly), X and Y might be the most heavily anticipated Pokemon game I can remember (keep in mind I had just turned 4 when Red and Green first came out in Japan, so the whole “awareness of what other people are excited for” and “looking forward to something for a long time” didn’t develop for a while). To say that it didn’t disappoint would be an insult to the game. It surpassed all my wildest expectations instantly. The world is a beautiful, diverse wonderland unlike anything ever seen on hand-held game devices, and features a charming (I think) batch of new Pokemon to go with it. The new features such as Super Training and Pokemon-Amie added a brilliant new layer of gameplay that somehow brought me even closer to my fictional companions. Adding the Fairy type was another A-plus move by a game series that is no stranger to them. Sure, the plot is very over-the-top and many of the new features make raising Pokemon ridiculously easy, but that didn’t stop me from spending 150+ glorious hours in Kalos.
  3. Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald/Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire– The only instance where I prefer the original to the remake, I came reaaaalllllly close to putting this number 2, if only for the simple fact that the finally, finally, introduced the ability to run. Words can’t express how important that was. Hoenn is a top three region: it has my second favorite soundtrack, my personal favorite generation of Pokemon, and, for the first time, weather. The plot was a little overwrought, but I think I’ll probably stop criticizing the actual plots of these games because the nature of media made ostensibly for children is to have extreme, binary plot points where it’s easy to differentiate between right and wrong. But I never emotionally matured after 6th grade, so that’s fine with me. Also, it’s easy to look back and say “yeah, no duh it worked,” but it was a pretty big risk at the time to stage a Pokemon game in a region totally disconnected from the Kanto/Johto continent. Ruby, Sapphire, and, to a slightly lesser extent, Emerald, are near perfect gaming experiences that suffer only because their contemporaries are divine gifts given unto us by a higher power.
  4. Black/White/Black 2/White 2– As I literally just said, Pokemon games typically don’t lend themselves to too much nuance and character complexity, but Black and White really change that. There were story elements and plot beats that, frankly, we had never come close to seeing before in a Pokemon game, and haven’t really seen since. It’s not saying a whole lot, but the character N is far and away the most complex, most developed, and most well-written character in Pokemon history. For large portions of Black and White (and parts of Black and White 2) the villain team isn’t necessarily cut-and-dry pure evil. They actually have genuine motives that aren’t “let’s just destroy the world and see what happens.” Both games had more mature storylines than every other Pokemon game, and, while I certainly appreciate and mostly love the levity the other games provide (when they aren’t veering into melodrama in the third act), it’s nice to have at least one game that sort of challenges you in an emotional way. Being based on New York City, Unova offers an urban feel that comes as a welcome departure from the typical fantasy-RPG maps of the other games. Yes, it’s a goofy generation of Pokemon, but for the most part they embrace it (maybe my favorite touch ever put in a Pokemon game is the fact that Vanillite, the ice cream cone Pokemon, can be found outside what’s essentially a giant meat freezer). Probably the most underrated games in the Pokemon saga. (Side note that doesn’t really factor in to the ranking: while playing White for the first time, my final battle against the villain leader was easily the most epic battle in the history of Pokemon. I have no idea how long it lasted. It could have been thirty minutes, it could have been an hour, it could have been ten hours. I used so many revives and full restores and swapped out party members so many times it’d make your head spin. It was the most intense few minutes of my entire life. The world could have ended around me and I wouldn’t have noticed, I was so locked in. I wish there was a recording or literally any evidence whatsoever, but, alas, you have to take my word for it.
  5. Red/Blue/Fire Red/Leaf Green– I know, I know. “What are you doing? How are they not number one? What about my childhood?” Look, I hear you. I respect everything Red and Blue represent. They were the first, they have classic, classic Pokemon that still rank as the number one generation for pretty much everyone but me (and I have it second), Gary is easily the best rival, the best starting Pokemon, it’s the most challenging by a mile. Hell, Dragonite is still my favorite Pokemon ever. I’m not putting them this low for attention or to throw out a hot take. This is what I actually believe. Think about Red and Blue: there’s virtually no plot whatsoever, Kanto, while the first region, is pretty nondescript in all honestly, and there’s so many goddamn bugs. And I don’t mean Weedle and Caterpie. Psychic types are totally overpowered. With only a weakness to bug type (and only three bug type attacking moves, none of which were powerful) and without the division of special attack and special defense, most psychic types were virtually unstoppable. Look, I get it, I take Pokemon too seriously, but these things matter to me. And without the amazing Game Boy Advance remakes (which rectified everything that was wrong with the games, updated the graphics, and added some interesting subplots), they might rank even lower. That’s not to say don’t play these games. They’re important pieces of the culture at large, but if you somehow haven’t played the original Pokemon games, Fire Red and Leaf Green and much more enjoyable experiences.
  6. Sun/Moon– I know it was met with universal acclaim by critics, but the people I talked to who actually play Pokemon games were kind of divided on Sun and Moon. “Where are the gym leaders?” “It’s too easy.” “Feels too much like a series of mini-games not a real Pokemon game.” Every single one is a valid complaint. But, personally, I loved Sun and Moon. I thought it was fresh, I thought it was original, I thought every new thing they added worked. The plot is actually pretty crazy, in a good way, and complements the world around it in a way that only Ruby and Sapphire can really match. I loved the four islands and how each one had a different personality, and thought the island trials were clever and a good way to switch things up from the tried and true “8 gym leaders” formula. No generation of Pokemon fit their region better, and it gets bonus points for Alolan Exeggutor. These were great, great games, and I know Ultra Sun and Moon will be great too.
  7. Diamond/Pearl/Platinum– I feel really bad for this generation of Pokemon games. Much like Godfather 3, Diamond and Pearl suffer greatly under the weight of the larger franchise. If they were called literally anything else, Diamond and Pearl would be considered classics. And they’re still great games! I actually think the plot and region are some of the more interesting ones because of the emphasis it places on history and mythology, and it introduces a lot of cool and important Pokemon. It also brought Pokemon into the (relatively) current gen. Being the first to arrive on DS, it laid the groundwork for most of the side features and display elements you see in the newest games. But there’s just something about it that kind of makes it forgettable. I think it’s only fault is that it’s not the other games in the series.
  8. Yellow– I just wanted to separate this as a protest against Pikachu. Pikachu sucks and isn’t worthy of its own game, regardless of how popular the show is.

There you have it. As I said before, if you disagree, you’re probably wrong. Don’t forget who the expert is, here. Who else do you know who’s willing to devote countless hours of his life just so he can have enough experience and data to compile a power ranking for a stupid website? The answer is no one, that’s who. Now go catch ’em all.

NFL Week 3 Picks

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At some point during last night’s unexpectedly exciting Rams-49ers game, I realized that I was failing all of you. During last year’s NFL playoffs, right after I started this site, I’m sure many of you became reliant on my picks to boost your income a little bit. But through the first two weeks of the NFL season, my picks were nowhere to be found. Any coincidence it was arguably the worst two weeks of football since the merger? Not likely. I’ll raise my hand and take the blame for that, but much like the effectiveness of Color Rush, my NFL picks are officially Back. These game breakdowns will be a lot shorter than the playoff ones because I don’t hate myself enough to write 1,000 words about 15 week 3 games, but the fact remains that these are all stone cold locks and, if you were smart, you’d take these and bet the house on all of them. Lines taken from Bovada.

(Side rant coming out of last night’s broadcast that I’m not sure really belongs here, but whatever: after he made the game-clinching sack, Cris Collinsworth said that Aaron Donald was already a Hall of Famer. I saw a couple people grumbling about it on twitter.com, but didn’t do much research to find out if there were a lot of people who A. noticed it and B. had an issue with it, because I’m fine with just using a straw man. Do people really think Aaron Donald isn’t a Hall of Famer? Have these people watched him play? Have these people watched other defensive linemen play? I know there’s a valid narrative that there is a huge dearth of offensive line talent, but, in my mind, that’s partly because we’re currently in a golden era of defensive linemen. Literally the two greatest defensive linemen to ever play the game are in the league right now, and Donald is one of them. Maybe I just have a different standard, but I value someone’s prime years over stats accumulated over a million seasons, and I’m not sure Donald has even hit his prime yet. If you don’t think Aaron Donald is in already, how do you feel about Joe Namath, Harry Carson, Terry Bradshaw, and a million other players who are currently in the Hall of Fame who were all worse than Aaron Donald is at age 26? He’s a slam dunk Hall of Famer.)

Baltimore Ravens (-4) vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

Seems like the Jags have played a thousand games in London, but this is only their fifth game, and, don’t look now, they’re riding a two game London winning streak. That’s like the Patriots winning 25 straight games. So you know they’re red hot, but they may run into trouble if eliteness travels across the pond.

Pick: Ravens -4

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles (-6)

Wait, an NFC East divisional game isn’t on national TV? What the hell is that about? Who can I complain to? Anyway, while the thought of this Eagles’ d-line going against the Giants’ woeful offensive line is enough to get my d-line loving blood flowing, but are the Giants really going to go 0-3? And are the Eagles really going to win an important game by 7 points? I don’t really think so, either.

Pick: Giants +6

Houston Texans at New England Patriots (-14)

While my default is always to bet the Pats, this line is too high. The Pats have a billion injuries on offense going against one of the best defenses in the NFL. This is going to be boring, so if you’re not a diehard Pats fan like me, I would probably say don’t watch this no matter what. (If you couldn’t figure it out, J.J. Watt is the other one of the greatest d-linemen ever, btw)

Pick: Texans +14

Pittsburgh Steelers (-7.5) at Chicago Bears

Steelers are trash on the road. The Bears are wearing their awesome throwbacks. I have no data to back this up, but the Bears have never failed to cover while wearing those.

Pick: Bears +7.5

New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers (-6)

Remember what happened when the Patriots played the Saints last week? Yeah.

Pick: Panthers -6

Atlanta Falcons (-3) at Detroit Lions

I know the Lions are somehow impossible to kill, but they kinda suck. Falcons are officially on a “this 40 point lead will drag us out of the pit of despair the Patriots sentenced us to until we blow it in the fourth quarter” tour, which would seem like they’re perfect prey for the “be terrible until the fourth quarter” Lions, but the Lions defense is too bad. The Lions will come back, but not far enough.

Pick: Falcons -3

Cleveland Browns (-1.5) at Indianapolis Colts

Just a little word of advice: stay as far away from this game as humanly possible. If any game could ever finish as a 0-0 tie, it’d be this one.

Pick: Browns -1.5

Tampa Bay Bucs at Minnesota Vikings

Well, this is awkward. There’s no line for this game! I’m assuming it’s because no one knows if Sam Bradford is still alive or not. I’m gonna improvise here and say the line would be Bucs -2.5 just so I can give something. This game is either going to be terrible or great, really depending on Sam Bradford’s health (never a good thing).

Pick: Bucs -whatever

Miami Dolphins (-6) at New York Jets

AFC East bitches!!!! Why don’t our games get put on national TV all the time? Oh, right, because every team is terrible. Seeing the Niners come close to winning a game might breathe new life into the Jets’ tanking efforts, so they’ll probably lose by a lot.

Pick: Dolphins -6

Denver Broncos (-3.5) at Buffalo Bills

You know what this has made me realize? There’s too many blue teams. There needs to be more green, more purple. Someone needs to have the guts to go pink. Too much blue.

Pick: Broncos -3.5

Seattle Seahawks at Tennessee Titans (-3)

For the last few years, I’ve had my finger on the pulse of the Seahawks. I’ve gotten their games right more than pretty much any other team in the league. This is one of the easiest ones I’ve ever seen. Any time they look terrible and get people talking about how bad they are, they start stomping on people again.

Pick: Seahawks +3

Cincinnati Bengals at Green Bay Packers (-9)

Can the Bengals really be this bad? Yes, yes they can.

Pick: Packers -9

Kansas City Chiefs (-3.5) at Los Angeles Chargers

The amount of different ways the Chargers have found to go down multiple scores in the first half only to come storming back with five minutes left and lose by three is truly astounding.

Pick: Chargers +3.5

Oakland Raiders (-3.5) at Washington Redskins

I don’t know why (maybe because the Raiders have been really good and the Redskins haven’t), but I’m really feeling a Raiders blowout here. Just a gut feeling.

Pick: Raiders -3.5

Dallas Cowboys (-3.5) at Arizona Cardinals

Yuck. I have no interest watching this game whatsoever. Cardinals stink. Cowboys are (surprise) overrated as hell. I’ll watch it, because, as Thursday Night Football tells us, when it’s on, it’s on, but I’ll be unhappy about it.

Pick: Cowboys -3.5

SPECIAL BONUS COLLEGE PICKS

Betting college football is easier, more enjoyable, and less stressful than betting NFL. I highly recommend it. Here are some of my favorite bets for tomorrow:

  • Pitt vs. Georgia Tech over 56
  • TCU +14 vs. Oklahoma State
  • Rutgers +12 vs. Nebraska
  • Michigan vs. Perdue over 56
  • Oklahoma -28 vs. Baylor
  • Missouri -18 vs. Auburn
  • Oregon vs. Arizona State over 76

Red Sox Clinch Playoff Berth, Are in Great Position to Make Some Proverbial Noise

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It got kind of brushed over yesterday because of Chris Sale becoming the first American League pitcher to get 300 strikeouts in a season since the G.O.A.T. Pedro Martinez in 1999, but the Red Sox officially clinched a playoff berth last night. They haven’t wrapped up the division yet, but you’d like to think they could hold on to a three game lead with twelve games left (yeah, yeah, I remember chicken and beer). I’ll forgive you for not being overly excited about the Sawx going to the playoffs for the second straight year. I’m excited enough for everyone. After all, I know how the MLB Playoffs work, and the Red Sox are in prime position to win it all this year.

If you’re done rolling your eyes, allow me to explain. In an almost unthinkable twist considering the fervor surrounding the magnificent Chris Sale trade, there’s almost no pressure on the Red Sox at all coming in. They’ve gone seriously under the radar this season, and honestly, I don’t really blame people for not caring about them, especially compared to the splashier teams in the American League. Who wants to talk about the boring, no offense Red Sox when the Yankees are Officially Back and slugging homers left and right? Or when the Astros got off to a blistering start that captured everyone’s imagination? Or, most of all, when last year’s American League champion Indians pulled down their pants and took a giant dump directly on the rest of the league, winning an ungodly 22 straight games? The Red Sox are an afterthought. Heck, if the Angels can get the second wild card spot and put Mike Trout in the playoffs, Boston might suddenly become the least interesting playoff team in the entire league. Which is great news.

I’ll get into the playoffs on a larger scale later, but the MLB playoffs are crazy. Entire seasons can swing on one pitch, one hit, one error, one hot or cold streak, literally anything can happen. And what usually happens? A random ass team wins. We had the prohibitive season-long favorite win last year. That hasn’t happened twice in a row since Jeter’s heyday. I’m betting this season’s champion will be an unexpected one. In the American League, the only real candidates for that are the Red Sox and the second wild card team, and, let’s be honest, whoever “wins” the second spot is just going to get smashed by the Yankees. Being under the radar is almost always a positive in sports, and the lifting of the massive expectations placed on them before the season should free up the players to finally perform to their full potential.

Obviously this isn’t set in stone. Even by MLB’s standards, where everyone can have a poorly-timed 2 for 20 stretch and there are no guarantees, the Red Sox are particularly iffy. They greatly underperformed most of the year, especially on offense. Hanley Ramirez regressed badly, Jackie Bradley, Jr. mostly stalled out at the plate, Mitch Moreland couldn’t meet the unfair expectations put on him, and, even though he’s having his best month of the season and finally resembles the superstar from last year, Mookie Betts didn’t even really come close to matching last year, where he would have been good enough to win MVP in a Mike Trout-free world. Now that David Price is in the bullpen (which I like, btw) and Doug Fister turned back into a pumpkin, I’m not sure there’s a starter besides Chris Sale that I feel all that great about being on the mound with the season on the line. John Farrell might be the most clueless manager in the league. But they still have one of the most talented rosters in the bigs. It seems like everyone has a great bullpen these days, but I’d put the Sox’s against anybody (provided Farrell learns how to use it). Outside of Rafael Devers, they play great defense. During the brief portion of the season when they were hot, they looked like world beaters. And guess what? Their final three series of the season are against the Reds, who are terrible, the Blue Jays, who are terrible, and the Astros, who have been sleepwalking since the middle of June (and who the Red Sox have owned since the Astros became good in 2015). I mostly think people use the idea of momentum as a way to say a team is playing well at the time, but the Red Sox could easily build some “momentum” before the playoffs by winning a lot of these last few games. Momentum itself may be largely a myth, but a player performing better when he’s feeling confident isn’t. The Sox are in perfect position to go into the playoffs supremely confident and finally actually hitting the ball. That’s half the battle. But, knowing the Red Sox, they’ll go 4-8 and lose the Wild Card game.

Real Headline: Sexual Competition Among Ducks Wreaks Havoc on Penis Size

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Please, have some decency

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source– Male ducks respond to sexual competition by growing either an extra-long penis or a nub of flesh, a new study finds. The unusual phenomena occurred in two species studied: the lesser scaup (Aythya affinis) and the ruddy duck (Oxyura jamaicensis). It suggests that penis size — in line with many traits and behaviours meant to impress or allow impregnation of the opposite sex — involves a trade-off between the potential to reproduce and to survive.

Patricia Brennan, an evolutionary biologist at Mount Holyoke College in South Hadley, Massachusetts, compared the penises of ducks kept in male–female pairs to those housed with multiple males per female.

“If they were alone with a female, the males just grew a normal-sized penis, but if there were other males around, they had the ability to change dramatically,” Brennan says. “So evolution must be acting on the ability to be plastic — the ability to invest only in what is needed in your current circumstance.”

Because evolutionary success relies on reproduction, genitals are adapted to meet the varied circumstances that every animal faces. Some male ducks, for example, have penises in the shape of corkscrews to navigate the labyrinth-like vaginas of their female counterparts. An earlier study by Brennan found that females’ anatomy evolved to prevent access to undesirable males who force copulation. To mate successfully with their chosen partners, Brennan says, female ducks assume a posture that allows males to enter them fully and deposit sperm near eggs.

However, evolutionary changes in the size of body parts are generally thought to happen over generations, not within an individual’s lifetime. Brennan wondered whether ducks might buck this trend because some species’ penises emerge anew every breeding season and degenerate afterwards. Similarly, acorn barnacles (Semibalanus balanoides) — hermaphroditic, shelled sea creatures cemented to rocks — generate their penises only when it’s time to mate. Because they use their penises to grope for other barnacles to inseminate, the organ’s length depends on the proximity of a barnacle’s neighbours.

Brennan and her colleagues fenced off habitats so that ducks would live either in pairs or in groups with almost twice as many males as females for two breeding seasons over the course of two years. The lesser scaups grew longer penises when they were forced to compete for females than when they were coupled up. A larger reproductive organ likely improves their chances of fertilizing an egg.

But the results of the social environment on ruddy ducks were more complicated. During the first year, only the largest males in the groups grew long penises (about 18 centimetres each), whereas smaller males developed half-centimetre stubs. In the second year, smaller males grew normal-sized penises, but they lasted for just five weeks, whereas the largest males kept their penises for three months.

Clues may lie in the drama of ruddy-duck life. The birds have some of the largest penis-to-body ratios found in nature — with penises sometimes longer than their bodies. “I can’t imagine they could grow any longer,” Brennan says. The birds have also been known to fight to the death, which suggests that smaller ruddy ducks might be too stressed to develop penises normally. “Bullying may increase stress hormones, and those could counteract the effects of androgen hormones” that control penis growth, Brennan says.

This response to stress could be adaptive. The same androgen hormones that trigger penis growth every season in birds also underlie colouration. They cause the duck’s feathers to turn from dull brown to chestnut when it’s time to breed, and their bills to go from grey to bright blue. To females, the wardrobe change signals a male’s readiness. To neighbouring males, it foreshadows a fight. “I think the small ones go through it quickly so that there’s less danger of getting beaten up,” Brennan says.

The study is “really interesting”, says Charlie Cornwallis, an evolutionary biologist at Lund University in Sweden. “This suggests there is a cost to having a large penis because individuals are investing according to the competition they face from other males.” Cornwallis says that few studies have investigated the effect of environmental and social conditions on penis size, and that these evolutionary trade-offs could be more common than imagined.

(I know I posted pretty much the whole article but it was too good not to)

Oh, man. What world we live in. There’s really not a lot to add to this headline, but I’m going to fight my better instincts and do it anyway. First off, who’s idea was it to do this study in the first place? What kind of messed up penis was that duck working with that triggered someone to be like, “wow, that’s way different than what everyone else has, I should do a study to find out everything I can about two specific species of ducks’ penis sizes?” Like what the hell? I thought size didn’t matter? She told me it was fine and that I shouldn’t be embarrassed about it, but I guess not. Looks like I’ll have to start watching my back (or front, I suppose) to make sure I’m not the one who sets off the study about human penis size. That would be pretty mortifying.

I came out of this really feeling for duck men. Sounds like they live in some kind of eternal hell. They grow a new penis every year during mating season only to have it deteriorate and decay until it falls off? No thank you. I mean, sure it might be nice to play the penis lottery if you’re sick of the one you have, but talk about a terrible feeling to have. Just knowing you’ve only got a penis for one season out of the year. Not a great position to be in.

And then I’ve got to call out this article a little bit, too. They were penis-shaming everyone. The ones with penises longer than their bodies. The ones with fleshy nubs. The ones with corkscrew penises. How else are my duck friends supposed to navigate the “labyrinth-like vaginas of their female counterparts?” Everything can’t be irregular. You can’t point and laugh at everybody. Duck penises are like snowflakes- no two are the same, and that’s perfectly okay. I’d like to see the duck they based their concept of normalcy on. What kind of penis did he have that mating season? Something perfectly shaped and pliable but is also the ideal size? Cool. Not everyone can be Superman. Sorry, but I’m here to stick up for the little guys (and the irregular shaped guys). Have some empathy, here. Imagine being a duck and seeing this walk by:

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What choice do you have but to grow an irregularly shaped penis? Sorry, but I refuse to throw dirt on duck males’ good name. To all the haters: lay off. It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean. Sorry not everyone has a cookie-cutter penis. To all the duck males reading this: you’re not alone. You may be catching heat from all sides, including from your own potential mates, but you’ve got at least one friend out there. I’ll stand by you through your darkest days, because sometimes in times of penis-related stress, all you need is a shoulder to cry on.

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Reader Email: I’d Like to Commemorate the Fact that Brian Has Remained Impartial During this Latest Kevin Durant Saga

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Reader Email: Hey, Brian, huge fan! You’re so funny, smart, talented, and handsome to boot! Talk about the total package! Love the site, and people forget that you’re doing all of this by yourself, with no help from the front office or the other bum players on the roster! Anyway, I know you’re a KD guy, so I’m proud of you for not blindly taking his side in this latest controversy. I love how you can remain impartial even when players you’ve forced yourself to like mostly just to go against public opinion are caught in embarrassing webs of Twitter and Instagram fake accounts made to defend themselves. So admirable and professional. It’s really a wonder why you’re not rich and world famous by now! I’ll write a letter to the Pulitzer committee to try and get you some much deserved recognition! Keep up the amazing work!

Yours forever and always,

bryansden68

Thanks for the kind words bryansden68. It’s nice knowing I have such devoted and passionate fans! And I gotta hand it to him, he’s right- I am smart. I’ve also remained clear-headed despite one of my guys, Kevin Durant, getting embroiled in a terribly embarrassing social media fiasco. In case you live under a rock, Kevin Durant responded to a tweet asking him why left, but he was speaking in the third person, as if he was talking about someone else entirely.

That launched a full-scale internet investigation, and, soon enough, multiple possible Kevin Durant burner accounts were uncovered on multiple different social media sites, all of which did essentially the same thing: bashed the haters and losers (and former teammates) who were calling him out. It was the most Kevin Durant story of all time (followed by his short-lived run as popular superhero The Servant) and comedy of the highest order. Most people with an opinion on KD, which, last time I checked, is pretty much everyone, had a strong reaction to this. It’s either “wow look how soft he is looks like I was right all along can’t believe someone would willingly leave Oklahoma City and Russell Westbrook for the team that leads the league in assists every year and always wins what a bum,” or “I used to like him now I don’t,” or “well he’s just a human being guys! Leave Kevin alone!!!” To my great credit, I haven’t let this change my opinion of him whatsoever. This is exactly who Kevin Durant is. He’s the lamest, pettiest, most sensitive player in the NBA. So sue me, but crippling insecurity and the insatiable desire to crush h8trz are things I strongly relate to. KD is the same person today as he was yesterday. Thinking about it, he’s even more KD now than he ever was. I’d feel cheated if he didn’t have a bunch of burner accounts he uses to defend himself against random guys online. I need him to make even more now. I want half the accounts on Twitter to just be Kevin Durant shadow accounts. I want them to debate between themselves whether everything was Scott Brooks’ or Westbrook’s fault for the rest of time. In NBA 2K19 there needs to be a subplot where you can set up different burner accounts to defend yourself against virtual trolls. Need more KD social media.

This is why the NBA is the best, though. This is one of the funniest sports stories I can remember and it happened on a random Monday a full month before the start of the regular season. And it happened on the same day as my new favorite player Kyrie Irving’s iconic First Take appearance. The is now easily the most interesting pro sports league in America and it’s not even really close. Every day there’s a crazy new story, a new talking point, a new feud between random guys. It’s amazing what happens when you allow your players to have personality and encourage them to engage with the fans and each other. I’m not sure if the Golden Age of NBA Twitter would have happened regardless or if the current group of NBA players ushered it in by their own actions, but I’m grateful for it either way. Can’t wait for the season.

 

If You Ever Catch Me Watching Young Sheldon, Please Just Euthanize Me

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I know everyone’s focused on football and the nonsensical storyline in NBA 2K18‘s MyCareer, but I can’t get this thought out of my head: If you ever see me watching CBS’s new sitcom Young Sheldon please just put a bullet in my head. Believe me, I’ll understand.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t watched any trailers or anything. I’ve avoided any Young Sheldon media like the plague. But I already feel the hatred flowing through my veins any time I see this little piece of shit adjusting his bow tie. Besides the immediate turn off of being a Big Bang Theory spin-off, it somehow manages to combine almost all of my least favorite things: Big Bang Theory, sitcom spin-offs, any comedy with a child as the main character, any show/movie/commercial/book/anything about annoying and unrealistically brilliant child geniuses, CBS sitcoms, and Big Bang Theory again. Big Bang Theory is terrible and if you like it you have horrible taste. I know why it got a spin-off (it rhymes with schmoney), but if you’re excited for it, I don’t really want to be associated with you.

There’s a larger rant to go on here about the cynical nature of the entertainment industry and how they’ll do anything for money, and it’d be easy to call September 25th the End of the Golden Age of Television and the death of whatever amount of inspiration and creativity we have left as a society, but for now I’ll just say that Young Sheldon is going to be the worst show ever made and you shouldn’t watch it. Ever.

Do I Have to Become A Baseball Promotions Guy Now That I Went to Xander Bogaerts Gnome Night?

On Wednesday night I went to the Red Sox-A’s game in Fenway. There was a rain delay and the Sox got killed by a terrible team with nothing to play for despite desperately needing wins to build any kind of momentum whatsoever. It was a great time. Silver lining, though, I got this sweet Xander Bogaerts gnome.

Guess I have a new most prized possession @redsox @thexman2 #redsox #imagnomeguynow

A post shared by Brian’s Den (@briansden69) on

Don’t worry, I haven’t taken it out of the packaging. I’m no fool. That would kill the resale value, and everyone knows how valuable these things can be in the long run. This beauty is about to take up a prominent place on my mantle, showing that I love the Red Sox but I also have a lot of class. All was well in my world until I realized something troubling: this was actually the second time this season I’ve been to a Promotion Game. When I took my famous trip to Denver, the Rockies game I went to was giving out Rockies Wiffle Ball Bats. I had to leave it behind because it wouldn’t fit in my luggage, but the question remains: now that I’ve been to multiple ballpark giveaways in one season, do I have to become a Baseball Promotional Giveaway Guy?

Here’s the thing- if you have more than one gnome/bobbleheads/pennants/whatever you got from a special giveaway at a baseball stadium, you can’t have less than five. And if you have more than five, you can’t have less than ten. You can’t dip your toes into the water of the promotion pool. You’re either in or you’re out. Right now I’m in no man’s land. Luckily, I don’t physically have the second item anymore, so I can avoid commitment for a while. I’m not sure if I’m ready to go all the way. It’s a lot of work becoming a promotions guy. You’ve got to keep tabs on the ever-changing promotion schedule of not only your favorite MLB team, but also any local minor league clubs. A true promotion guy doesn’t limit himself to only one team’s promotions, and lives to fill his home with minor league knick-knacks. Sure, eligible members of the opposite sex your friends will compliment your tasteful and understated design choices, but chasing promotions can add up. There’s ticket expenses, travel expenses, lord knows how much money you’ll spend on concessions. That’s a lot to put in just to get a handful of small ceramic statuettes that somewhat resemble popular athletes in funny outfits or in signature poses. Plus the crippling loneliness that comes with all that traveling and attending games at random times during weekdays. I’m too young for that fate. I’m not ready to give up on my hopes and dreams just yet. I am officially renouncing my right to collect stadium giveaways. Until I’m still single at 35, I will never willingly go to a baseball game that has any kind of promotion planned. No more clever but cheaply made t-shirts. No more hats with beards attached anytime a team has a player with facial hair. No more magnetic team schedules. No more bobbleheads of the backup catcher. No more playoff games, either, since they’re always handing out shirts and towels and such. It’s a sad life, sure, but not as sad as the alternative. I’m doing this for all of you, really. The longer I fight off a stadium giveaway obsession, the longer I can give out the flaming hot takes you’ve all come to expect.

This only applies to baseball games, so you better believe I’ll be first in line anytime the Celtics give something away.

Madden Needs to Come Out Earlier

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I play a lot of video games. Like, a lot. The majority of my free time is spent playing video games. Surprising, I know. And, considering my devotion in all things sports-related, it should go without saying that I play a ton of sports games. They’re what I spend most of my gaming energy on. Whenever a new non-sport game I want comes out, I just marathon it until I’m come as close to 100% completion as I deem realistically possible, then go right back to whatever sport is in season at the time. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember. So when I start to criticize the Madden franchise, one of the longtime pillars of my life and an important part of my personal development from child to older, larger child, I come to you from a place not just of experience and expertise, but also a place of deep passion and commitment.

Madden needs to come out way earlier. That’s just a fact. August 22nd is too late in the year for the only football game on the market to be released. It’s only been out for three weeks now, but I was pleasantly surprised to learn that NBA 2K18 is coming out next week. NBA 2K is an objectively better game franchise than Madden. How am I supposed to pour hours upon hours of my life into Madden when I could be playing MyCareer? It’s an impossible thing to ask of someone, and, frankly, I’m sick of being put in that position.

It didn’t used to be this way. Long ago in the Age of Heroes, NCAA Football would come out at the beginning of July, then Madden in August. It was the perfect setup: give me a taste of football at the start of training camp then give me another bite right before the season. It felt like a natural progression, and it kept me more invested in the college game, which only fueled my love for the NFL. Now, you have to go cold turkey all throughout training camp and the start of the college season, unless you feel like playing last year’s game, which, so close to the release of a shiny new version, only makes the cravings worse (once a game becomes 5+ years old, though, then it gains new life as an entertaining look into the past). I don’t want to be blasted in the face with a full load of football in late August, I want to ease my way in at my own pace.

Another problem is, of course, the demise of the NCAA franchise. I’m not the first and won’t be the last one to say that the NCAA games were more fun than Madden. The play was faster paced, there were distinct differences in play styles, not just slight variations of the same playbook like in Madden, and the career and dynasty modes were both better than any game mode Madden has ever had. I was legitimately addicted to recruiting computer generated high-school football players. Although I would never trust the computer to execute my gameplan the right way, I would always at least think about simming every game just so I could do more recruiting. Starting off as a random MAC or WAC (RIP) school and building them up to an improbable national powerhouse was awesome, and getting that first five star recruit was a unique joy that I’ve yet to replicate (if you started a dynasty as a blue blood school you’re a coward). That pursuit of developing fictional young players is probably what drove me to Fifa in the years since the last NCAA. Creating the most stacked youth academy in the world in my manager careers is pretty much my new favorite pastime. Sure, Madden still has the draft, and I do love scouting and angling to get better picks and young stars, but it’s not the same. At some point, I’ll lose interest in my franchise, mostly because they refuse to add any new features to it. Once that happens, I’m pretty much out. I mean, NBA has MyCareer, MyGM, even MyTeam (which, to me, is much better than Madden Ultimate Team since it’s possible to build a decent team way easier), then I can go online when I’m feeling myself. Fifa’s career mode is way better and more in-depth, has a better Ultimate Team, and is far more enjoyable to play online. Have you ever played Madden online? It stinks! The games are too long, there’s too many glitches, and I’m just not as good as I used to be. Not fun!

Lastly, and this really isn’t Madden’s fault, but the real-life product on the field is just so bad now. Listen, I’m a football junkie. I’ll watch any game at any time if you put it in front of me. But I’m convinced that the Patriots are the only NFL team capable of playing entertaining games at this point. They got completely dominated on Thursday night, but if they gave that same performance against the other 30 teams in the league on Sunday, they’d still win at least 24 games. Every team stinks, there’s only ten quarterbacks worth anything, and 95% of coaches and front offices don’t have the first clue what they’re doing. It’s comical how bad the NFL is right now. Compare that to the NBA, which tips off next month, and it’s night and day. The NBA has never been better or more interesting. Almost every team is run by smart people who understand the direction the league is going. Sure, there’s super teams, but there’s also more great players currently in the league than there has been in a long time. Almost everyone plays a visually appealing style. Bengals-Texans on Thursday night isn’t going to leave me dying to run to my PS4 and recreate the scintillating action. Bucks-Suns on a random Wednesday might. In addition to having the better video game, the NBA just has a better product than the NFL has. When 2K comes out, all I’m going to want to do is play MyCareer, start up a franchise mode to earn VC and explore different play styles, play MyTeam for a week before losing interest, and play the odd online game. Then Fifa comes out the week after. Before you know it, I’ve gone three weeks without playing Madden. What about the NFL as it currently is would make me want to run back to it, other than a base need to play fictional football games? EA needs to take a look in the mirror and realize that it’s time for a change. NCAA may be dead and gone, and I know they can’t really do anything about it until the NCAA itself changes (fat chance), but at least borrow it’s release date. If you offered Madden to me at the beginning of July, I would pay whatever amount you asked for. The start of training camp is when my football fever is at its highest point, not late August when I’ve actually seen how bad most teams are in the preseason. You might have to work a little harder, but putting Madden out in July would make everything better. My football fix is satisfied in a slower, more fulfilling way. I get more out of a game I paid good money for. It feels like a natural progression from one game to the next, rather that a huge cluster of release after release. And maybe, just maybe, you can help the NFL gain some momentum back from the NBA. I just fixed the NFL and EA Sports. I don’t always give out advice for free, so next time your company needs help, I’ll expect some sort of payment.