Author: Brian

MLB Preview: AL East

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After a long offseason, baseball is finally back on the horizon. There’s officially only six weeks until Opening Day. There’s also six divisions. So, every Sunday I’ll go through a different division. We’ll look at their projected win totals (taken from the Atlantis Casino Resort), key additions and departures, new jerseys, and anything else that might affect a team’s season. Let’s start with the only division that actually matters, the AL East.

Boston Red Sox–

1047px-redsoxprimary_hangingsocks-svgWhere to start with my beloved Red Sox? Has to be the blockbuster trade for reliever Tyler Thornberg. Shoring up a secretly not-that-bad bullpen pushes them over the top as American League favorites. Oh yeah, they got Chris Sale, too. How could I forget? This team was the best team in the American League last season by virtually any statistic. Best offense in the majors by runs scored, on base percentage, slugging percentage, and extra base hits. They have Mookie Betts, the best mortal baseball player in the league last season, poised for another MVP-caliber season. I can never keep track of what qualifies as an MLB rookie, but if Andrew Benintendi still counts as a rookie, pencil him in for Rookie of the Year. If Dustin Pedroia stays healthy and they can get full seasons of production from Jackie Bradley, Jr. and Xander Bogaerts, the offense should be the best in league again. Of course, the elephant in the room is the retirement of David Ortiz coming off one of his best ever seasons. Free agent signing Mitch Moreland won’t replace his bat, and he shouldn’t be expected to, but does provide a solid left handed hitter, something this lineup doesn’t have a lot of. If Hanley Ramirez stays healthy/motivated/sane he’ll produce just as much as last season. If Pablo Sandoval’s commitment to diet and exercise raises even one step above mine, it’ll be a massive upgrade over the uninspired (to put it kindly) effort he’s put in since signing his massive contract.

The pitching is a lot better than you think. They finished in the top ten in the majors in ERA and strikeouts, but it goes deeper than that. They ranked 10th in Fielding Independent Pitching. 6th in ERA+, which adjusts for ballparks. The bullpen was tied for 2nd in the majors in ERA+. This is a good staff. Obviously they have the reigning Cy Young award winner Rick Porcello, but to expect that again would be foolish considering his track record. David Price got killed all year, but he really wasn’t that bad. People forget that Steven Wright was an All Star. And now you’re adding Chris Sale and Tyler Thornberg? To a team that, according to Baseball Porspectus’ win expectancy formula was actually unlucky to only win 93 games last year? Guess I don’t even really get to enjoy the Patriots’ Super Bowl because I’m gonna have to go right back celebrating a championship.

Over/Under 90.5 Wins: Over

Key Offseason Move: Trading for Chris Sale

Burning Question: What’s Sandoval’s waist size?

Bold Prediction: World Series Champions

Toronto Blue Jays–

300px-toronto_blue_jays_logo-svgEveryone’s favorite group of crybabies is coming off a less than ideal offseason that saw them lose one of the biggest power threats in the league and begrudgingly bring back another one. Pretty much all the hype is gone from this team despite an appearance in the ALCS. After setting the world on fire in the second half of 2015, the Blue Jays scored over 100 fewer runs last season, despite excellent seasons from Edwin Encarnacion (now with the Indians) and Josh Donaldson. They finished outside the top 10 in slugging. Listen, the offense was still great, but they weren’t the force of nature they were, and now they don’t have one of their key players. Troy Tulowitzki has been a huge disappointment since the trade two years ago. They had a solid defense, but it was largely propped up by the excellence of Kevin Pillar in centerfield.

Their starting pitching was outstanding, but the bullpen was bottom half of the league in ERA+ and WAR, and they lost a couple of important pieces with Brett Cecil and Joaquin Benoit. They picked up some random relievers, but who knows if they’ll be able to help this flaccid unit. Take a look at the Jays’ starting rotation. Are you expecting all of them to have career seasons again? I’m not.

Over/Under 86.5 Wins: Under

Key Offseason Move: Losing Edwin Encarnacion

Burning Question: Will Rogers Centre janitorial staff continue to work with Toronto’s big garbage companies and keep rigging playoff games to end in controversial fashion, causing fans to throw trash on the field?

Bold Prediction: Under .500

Baltimore Orioles–

orioles_newPretty much every year, people predict doom for the Orioles. I don’t really see any reason to change that. Maybe I’m a hater, but I just don’t think this team is that good. The offense is very one note. Granted, that note is a crashing crescendo, but still. They led the league in home runs, but bottom 10 strikeout and walk rates led, in turn, to a bottom 10 on base percentage. No team scored a higher percentage of their runs via the long ball than the O’s, and those kind of wells typically dry up sooner rather than later, especially when the leader of the charge is 31-year-old Mark Trumbo, whose previous career high in home runs was 34 before last season’s 47 (makes you think….). Now, they still have Manny Machado, who is an absolute superstar and still getting better. But everyone else is either old, getting old, or at the tail end of their prime. Look for the lineup to take a step back this season, despite having the best helmets in the league.

The pitching is a tale of two cities. The bullpen is one of the two or three best in the American League, led by Zach Britton, who had a fairly legitimate case for Cy Young last year. The staters, on the other hand, stink. Bottom half (or worse) in the league in pretty much every category. In a head scratching move, they gave away Yovani Gallardo, who, for years, was a good starter but had his worst season last year, for virtually nothing. They’re starving for quality starters and threw one out for peanuts. They still have Ubaldo Jimenez in their rotation, for crying out loud. Does that scream playoff team to you?

Over/Under 84.5 Wins: Under

Key Offseason Move: Resigning Trumbo

Burning Question: If they somehow win the World Series, does their steroid guy get a ring?

Bold Prediction: Miss the Wild Card by 1 game

New York Yankees–

302px-newyorkyankees_primarylogo-svgAs much as it pains me to say it, I actually kind of like the moves have been making lately. The trades they made at the end of last season got them some stud prospects, and their offseason signings (at least for position players) are all low risk, high reward. I love Chris Carter in Yankee Stadium. Sure, he’ll manage to strikeout 200 times in the like 350 at bats he’ll get, but he’ll put 35 over the wall. Now, what was the point of getting both Matt Holiday and Carter if they plan on using them both as DH? I don’t really know, but it’s a nice throwback to when the Yankees were good and acquired every free agent available.

It’s been a rough few years for the Bombers, but I think it’ll start to turn around this season, mostly because (for their standards) it can’t get much worse. This team was just so average last year. The defense was mediocre. No Yankees team should ever finish 19th in home runs and 22nd in runs scored. This year promises to offer one of the rarest sights in sports: a young Yankees lineup. Greg Bird is back from injury, and he, along with Aaron Judge and rookie sensation Gary Sanchez, should help lift the lifeless lineup and get John Sterling yodeling with joy once again.

Last year’s pitching was pretty much as advertised: middle of the road starting pitching and a powerhouse bullpen. In the ultimate Yankees move, they traded Aroldis Chapman for a king’s ransom last year, then turned around and promptly overpaid him as soon as possible in the offseason. And, in a startling display of ignorance and hypocrisy, they refused to pay star set up man Dellin Betances because he’s not a “top closer.” Did they not watch the playoffs last year? Titles like “closer” and “set up man” mean less and less. Betances is a dominant pitcher and should be paid like one. Considering the money they just paid Chapman, it doesn’t make a ton of sense to ignore the great, homegrown reliever who is more than likely out the door after this season.

Over/Under 83.5 Wins: Over

Key Offseason Move: Signing Chapman

Burning Question: Will Gary Sanchez get a plaque in monument park before or after the season?

Bold Prediction: Make the Wild Card Game and lose

Tampa Bay Rays–

1024px-tampa_bay_rays-svgIf it weren’t for the Padres, the Rays would easily be the most boring team in baseball. There’s just no sizzle here. I love Kevin Kiermaier with all my heart, but centerfield defense doesn’t usually get everyone else going. Chris Archer is exciting, but he’s secretly not really that good. What else does this team have? Some guys that can get hot for a few weeks then get ice cold right after? Sounds like a winning formula. They randomly finished 6th in the league in homers, but 24th in runs. How does that happen? Leading the American League in strikeout rate is usually a good start. The pitching and defense aren’t particularly good (besides Kiermaier, of course). They’re just a lousy team. Probably the worst in the American League. After that run of success, it’s good to have the Rays back where they belong.

Over/Under 75.5 Wins: Under

Key Offseason Move: I guess signing Colby Rasmus?

Burning Question: Who will Chris Archer throw at now that David Ortiz is retired

Bold Prediction: Someone finally dies after getting hit by a falling piece of the catwalk in Tropicana Field

 

 

NBA All Star Saturday Night

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This is perhaps my favorite night of the entire year. NBA All Star Saturday. The ultimate combination of over-the-top showmanship, silly competitions, awkward musical performances, and basketball. It’s the perfect night and I love every second of it, including the weird stuff they show on TNT in the few hours before the show. Does that make me an honorary black guy? I’ll let you decide that.

This year’s event is typically chock full of star players full of NBA players, some of whom are actually very good. Only three events now (RIP Shooting Stars), but each promises to deliver some high octane entertainment. I’ll quickly run through my picks, as well as predict how well I’d do in each event.

Taco Bell Skills Challenge

The Field:

Devin Booker, Phoenix Suns

DeMarcus Cousins, Sacramento Kings

Anthony Davis, New Orleans Pelicans

Nikola Jokic, Denver Nuggets

Gordon Heyward, Utah Jazz

Kristaps Porzingis, New York Knicks

Isaiah Thomas, Boston Celtics

John Wall, Washington Wizards

Sometime in the last few years, this event somehow became the most star-studded. Maybe because it’s the easiest and has the lowest chance of injury/embarrassment. Maybe because it’s the last remaining event that can be taken at face value: a stupid but fun event that combines all of the basic skills of basketball, not a commentary on a player’s mental fortitude or the state of the game. Maybe people just like Taco Bell. My money’s on the latter. Either way, my money’s on my guy Isaiah. Everyone else is either slower or a worse passer/shooter. Seems easy enough.

Winner: Isaiah Thomas

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Dark Horse: John Wall

How Would I Do?  I think I’d have a decent chance of winning this. My greatest skills on the hardwood are crisp chest passes and top of the key jumpers. Unfortunately, my greatest weaknesses are ball handling and athleticism. Still, I think I’de be able to overcome my shortcomings if I practiced the course enough times.

JBL Three-Point Contest

The Field:

Eric Gordon, Houston Rockets

Kyrie Irving, Cleveland Cavaliers

Kyle Lowry, Toronto Raptors

Wes Matthews, Dallas Mavericks

CJ McCollum, Portland Trailblazers

Klay Thompson, Golden State Warriors

Kemba Walker, Charlotte Hornets

Nick Young, Los Angeles Lakers

Pretty much every year, people declare that the Three-Point Contest is the new headline event, and it pretty much never is unless both Steph Curry and Klay Thompson are involved. If you’ll notice, Steph isn’t participating. Now, I’m no Three-Point Contest hater. It’s always exciting when someone gets hot from deep, especially when it’s Klay. But the only way he’ll have some competition is if McCollum has an out of body experience or if Steph stands on the court when Kyrie’s shooting. I guess I shouldn’t count out Swaggy P. He’ll either get 0 or 28 in the first round.

Winner: Klay Thompson

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Dark Horse: CJ McCollum

How Would I Do? I know I’d hit 3 moneyballs, and I’d make at least one other shot. I’m saying I’d get 7, which I guarantee wouldn’t finish last.

Verizon Slam Dunk

The Field:

Aaron Gordon, Orlando Magic

DeAndre Jordan, Los Angeles Clippers

Glenn Robinson III, Indiana Pacers

Derrick Jones, Jr., Phoenix Suns

The only real intriguing part of this is Derrick Jones. He’s played in a grand total of 3 NBA games, but has insane hops.

That’s not even close to the craziest video of him out there. At the same time, the last time some no name was getting hyped like this James “Flight” White flamed out in the first round. I’ll buy into the mystery, though. Aaron Gordon used all his good dunks last year, anyway.

Winner: Derrick Jones, Jr.

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Dark Horse: Aaron Gordon

How Would I Do? I’d bring the dunk contest back to its glory days. Now, I can’t dunk, but I can hilariously react to dunks. I’m showing up with an oversized throwback jersey (probably a Dan Dickau Celtics) and sweats. I’ll have my camcorder going the whole time. The second someone dunks, I’m holding everyone back while simultaneously leaning on the guy next to me. I’ll fumble around with the scorecards they hand out to the crowd before giving everything a 10. During the finals I’d just run out of the arena after a good dunk. I’d steal the show, which in the world of dunk contests, is just as good as winning.

Tom Cavanagh is about to dominate the Celebrity All-Star Game

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I love each and every NBA All-Star event, but the Celebrity Game might be my favorite. Maybe it’s because I know one day I break the single game scoring shot attempts record. Maybe it’s because one time Chris Tucker threw a layup over the backboard. Either way, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to the Celebrity Game. And believe me when I say that Tom Cavanagh is about to completely dominate. No one will have a hope of guarding him. If he doesn’t drop at least 22 points I’ll be stunned. And without Kevin Hart there, the MVP is there for the taking. Tom Cavanagh is going to cement his legacy in the annals of Celebrity Game history. He might even rip off a run like James Denton did in the Celebrity Softball game. The most impressive performance this weekend is gonna be in the Celebrity Game. You heard it here first.

Update: Just saw that Aarón Sanchez from Chopped is on Cavanagh’s team. MJ and Pippen who?

NBA Midseason Awards

It’s finally time for one my absolute favorite weekends of the entire year: NBA All Star Weekend. And, since I’ve written more than 1,000 words about the NBA in my life, I’m bound by law to present my midseason award picks. Despite what Charles Barkley and the other members of the Today’s Basketball is Bad Cult would tell you, the game is better than ever, and it’s reflected in the competitiveness of the award races. All but one have a handful of legitimate candidates. Let’s jump right in.

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Rookie of the Year- Joel Embiid, Philadelphia 76ers

It always feels weird calling someone like Embiid or Blake Griffin rookies when they were drafted a year or two before actually playing a regular season game. Still, them’s the rules, so JoJo is a slam dunk (get it? Because I’m talking about a basketball player? Anyway…) pick to win ROY. This year’s draft class STINKS, and, however limited his injuries make him, he’s clearly the best “first year” player. He’s already putting up superstar numbers. A smooth, athletic 7 foot 22 year old who puts up 20 points, 8 rebounds, 2.5 blocks, gets 8 free throws a game, and shoots a decent 36.7% from 3? While playing only 25 minutes a game? While playing great defense (not the Hassan Whiteside™ “let me chase these 3 blocks so everyone says I’m good on D” brand of defense, either)? Please, keep telling me how the NBA was better before we had guys like this running around.

Apologies To: Dario Saric? Malcolm Brogdon? 20 games of Yogi Ferrell? My 2k player? Anyone??????

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Most Improved Player- Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks

After last season’s crazy second half, everyone came into this year expecting the world of Greek Freak, and, somehow, he’s surpassed them. Every non-3-related counting stat is a career high, and the advanced numbers love him, too. His offensive rating (essentially how many points a player accounts for (through scoring and assists) per 100 possessions) is nearly 10% better than last season. Per NBA.com, he leads the league in points in the paint per game, points off turnovers per game, is fifth in fast break points, and is second in loose balls recovered per game (?). The team is kinda bad, but I hate blaming a player so young for that. They’ve had injuries, and being that this is his first season as being The Guy, the roster is still a little wacky and not really built around him. Think I’m finally ready to confirm that he is, in fact, better than Kelly Olynyk and that the Celtics may have made a mistake.

Apologies To: Nikola Jokic (I think he’s surpassed Marc Gasol as my favorite big guy to watch. This guy’s awesome and I hope the Nuggets don’t screw up his career), Zach Lavine, Jabari Parker, Harrison Barnes

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Sixth Man of the Year- Eric Gordon, Houston Rockets

Kind of a sign of the times, but anytime someone has already broken the record for 3 pointers made by a reserve (set last season by my favorite Bosnian NBA player Mirza Teletovic) before the All Star break, I think they should have a shot to win Sixth Man. After booking a session at the Mike D’Antoni Career Rejuvenation Spa, Gordon is back to being a feared scorer after a couple of years on the scrap heap. He’s the second option on the second best offense (by both points and offensive efficiency) in the NBA. I’m sure Jamal Crawford will somehow wind up winning again, though.

Apologies To: Lou Williams, Javale McGee (only 90% joking)

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Defensive Player of the Year- Draymond Green, Golden State Warriors

For me, this was the toughest call to make. Rudy Gobert and Kawhi Leonard could easily win this. Give me enough of whatever Doc Rivers spikes his Clippers Kool-Aid with and I’d buy into Deandre Jordan’s candidacy. Even Anthony Davis. But for me, it’s Draymond. He’s been a top 3 defender for three years now, and is the lynchpin to the league’s best (or second best. Depends on how you view Utah) defense. He holds opponents to under 40% in every area of the court besides 15-19 feet (somehow all three are allowing a higher field goal percentage at the rim than Eric Gordon and JR Smith). He just had a triple double with  10 steals. He guards every position at an elite level. He’s third in the league in Defensive Rating. He leads the league in self-created chips on his shoulder and false claims that no one believes in him. After two straight years where he could have easily won, this year he takes the crown.

Apologies To: Rudy Gobert, Kawhi Leonard, Anthony Davis, Deandre Jordan, Marcus Smart, Chris Paul, Joel Embiid

No Apologies To: Hassan Whiteside (If you can’t tell, I’ll never pass up a chance to throw shade at Whiteside. He’s such a bum. He’s good at defense if being good at defense means abandoning all defensive strategy, positioning, and discipline to try and chase blocks and easy rebounds. He’s trash on offense too, but has the temerity to say Deandre Jordan can’t play offense? He stinks. He stinks and I hate him.)

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Coach of the Year- Mike D’Antoni, Houston Rockets

While it’s impossible to discount the positive effect not having Dwight Howard on the roster can have on a team, I still think D’Antoni deserves it. If you remember (why wouldn’t you?) my NFL Awards post, I hate when coaches take teams that sucked the year before and make them decent and get handed coach of the year. But D’Antoni has actually put in the best coaching season, and, without him, the Rockets would be nowhere near top of the West. When Daryl Morey was shaping his fantasy version of basketball by having James Harden created in a lab, D’Antoni had to have been an advisor. The fact that it took so long for Harden and D’Antoni to get paired up is a sin against basketball. His system totally unleashed Harden’s full game, and it’s propelled them to the third best record in the entire NBA. Take a look at that roster. They should be .500 at best! If there’s a way for D’Antoni and Harden to share this, they should.

Apologies To: Brad Stevens, Gregg Popovich

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Most Valuable Player- James Harden, Houston Rockets

You know the candidates here. You know the stats, you know the storylines. For me, Harden is having the best season (when did I become a Rockets fan?). The stats are there: third in scoring. First in assists. First in free throw makes and attempts. Second in threes made. Averaging 8 rebounds per game, which, any other year, would lead all point guards by a wide margin (did you know Harden is tied with MJ for the 12th most triple doubles in a season in NBA history?) Sure, he turns it over a ton, but so does Westbrook. His defense isn’t very good (*Charles Barkley voice* Who plays good defense anymore? Tell me, Ernie. Who????). He’s got his team in the 3 seed in the West, and though his supporting cast is better than Westbrook’s, it’s not a huge margin. It feels so wrong not to have the guy averaging 31-10-10 as MVP, but what are you gonna do? Harden is just having a better season.

Apologies To: Russell Westbrook, LeBron James, Kevin Durant (it’d be impossible to get all of them, but imagine if, like, 3 out of the top 4 MVP candidates on the same team? How many titles would they win? Could anyone stop them?), Kawhi Leonard, Isaiah Thomas, Steph Curry, Draymond Green, Jimmy Butler, Anthony Davis, Carmelo Anthony

Archaeology Magazine sent me a Free Gift so I guess the search for the next Indiana Jones is over

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You see that? That’s an exclusive free gift from Archeology Magazine. A free copy of their special Egypt edition (is someone in the Archaeological Institute of America a fellow Yu-Gi-Oh fan?). They don’t send that to just anyone. I can connect the dots. Harrison Ford is 73 years old. Doesn’t have a whole lot of digs left in him. This can only mean that the Archaeological Institute of America (hereby the AIA) has tagged me as his replacement to be the face of the Archaeological world. Frankly, it’s about time. I’ve long been a titan in the fields of research, surveying, excavation, careful brushing, recording, cataloguing, and playing the Uncharted games. If you have any doubts, go back and take a look at all my history papers from like 5th grade through college. I blew the roof off the Peloponnesian War at least four months before 300 made that era en vogue again. I’m the natural heir to the cool archaeologist throne. I just hope Spielberg is on board with this decision, too, so I can get some of that sweet Disney money.

The obvious question is what’s my next move? I can’t rest on my laurels now that I’m at the top. Indy uncovered crazy artifacts and solved millennia-old mysteries on the regular. How can I live up to that? I’ve got to find some good stuff ASAP. So what direction do I go? Find what brought down the Mayans? Tackle Stonehenge? Find the murder knife used by Jack the Ripper? The Bermuda Triangle? I was thinking the most lucrative option for both me and the movie studio would probably be finding Atlantis, but the more I think about it, the more I realize the only thing to do is to find Tom Brady’s lost Super Bowl Jersey.

As I’m sure you all know, Tom Brady’s jersey from last Sunday’s epic Super Bowl comeback was stolen from his locker. Considering the historical weight of the accomplishment, it could be considered one of the more important artifacts in American history. And, as of now, it’s still missing. I can’t let that slide. I can’t think of a more perfect case to start my career as head of the AIA. It has everything: Deception. Intrigue. Adventure. The opposition of a fascist organization. And, dare I say, a touch of the supernatural?

I’ll start by taking the film crew down to Houston, more specifically NRG Stadium. I’ll scour the locker room, grill the entry level Texans employees and random stadium custodians, and gather evidence. On my third day in Houston, I’ll get a hot tip: someone heard someone saw a jersey deep in the Mexican jungle. This is where the action picks up. I’ll make my way into Mexico. Locals will start warning me about a sacred temple in the heart of the rainforest. Legends of a bandit who brought a certain artifact to its doorstep, only to disappear from the face of the Earth. Without the Nazis or Soviets to compete with, I may have to hire mercenaries to try and kill me, unless the NFL sends its Gestapo after me. After finding the entrance of the ancient temple, I’d be captured and detained by my ruthless adversaries. After using my wit and guile to befuddle the low-ranking henchmen keeping watch over me, I’d sneak into the temple. Much to my surprise, it wasn’t much of a temple, but instead was a large courtyard with a pool at the center, with the jersey magically suspended above it. I hear some of the henchmen murmuring: it’s the Fountain of Youth. Then, the leader, be it some European mercenary or Goodell himself, would make an impassioned speech about how drinking from the Fountain would allow him to conquer the world. Once he took a sip, the spirits that guarded the temple would punish such an impure man for drinking the water, and he and his acolytes would be graphically killed. When I approach the Fountain, the jersey descends into my waiting arms. I look at the water, tempted by the possibility of eternal youth.

Cut to Gillette Stadium, where I’m shaking hands with my hero Tom Brady. He holds up the jersey as everyone in the room admires it. He thanks me and jokes he’ll have to wear the jersey everyday in the offseason to reap the rewards. Speechless, I mostly just mumble and make guttural noises until the meeting ends. A representative from the AIA comes up to me and starts asking about what I saw. Downplaying everything, I casually mention finding the Fountain of Youth. He jokingly asks if I drank from it, then scoffs and walks away before I can answer, skeptical about my appointment as leader of his organization. Walking out of the stadium, I overhear a pair of reporters discussing what they had just witnessed. One of them mentioned that I looked rather young for someone so accomplished. I look into the camera and the movie ends.

I think that’ll set the tone for my pop-archaeoligcal career. I’ll quickly established that I only do the flashy projects, so I won’t have to dig up random bowls in Cambodia. I’ll be like the Undertaker: only show up for the biggest moments and receive all the credit. It’s a perfect career. I didn’t want to end my blogging career so suddenly, but I almost have no choice.

My Valentine’s Day Plans

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Guys, I’ve found someone. After years of searching, I finally have someone I can call my own. A love so pure and profound I pity anyone who is unable to share in this feeling of bliss. And now, on Valentine’s Day, it’s time I go public: Chocolate Strawberry Oreos and I are getting serious.

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Arguably the best tasting cookie I’ve ever had. How it took them this long to make, I have no idea. Delicious doesn’t even begin to describe it. It was love at first sight, and we’ve had great chemistry from the moment we first met. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Unfortunately, these are limited time only, which means this love was made to burn fast and hot. Luckily, tonight is the perfect time to show Chocolate Strawberry Oreos my true feelings. So, what’s in store? Let’s run through the itinerary of our date night.

Paying Homage to Saint Valentine

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Chocolate Strawberry Oreos is a bit of a religious history nut, so we’re taking part in a reenactment of the legendary Saint’s life at the local Rotary Club. It’s an odd bit of performance art where everyone in the audience gets a randomly assigned part. Then, under cover of darkness, the person playing Valentine illegally weds couples, only to eventually get caught. So, I might end up married to someone else, face religious persecution and martyrdom, or I might wind up executing someone. Anything could happen.

A walk through a strawberry field

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As is typical with someone nearing the end of their life, Chocolate Strawberry Oreos wants to reconnect with their heritage and see the land of their ancestors. No better way that by walking through a strawberry field. Unfortunately, we live in the Northeast, so it’ll be covered in snow. All that will remain will be ghosts of past harvests and the hope that the sleeping plants will one day regain their glory. Kind of a downer when you think about it, but it’s still better than visiting a synthetic strawberry flavor factory.

Dinner

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What Valentine’s Day is complete without a romantic dinner out at your favorite restaurant? Unfortunately, not many high end places will let you bring your own food in, so the options are limited. So, we’re going to go the place I went on the day we met: Taco Bell. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate than sharing a couple Naked Chicken Chalupas together. Add in a nice bottle of wine and some nice candles and the mood will be perfect.

Going home to watch Valentine’s Day

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What Valentine’s Day would be complete without this 2010 classic? Almost unthinkable not to watch this once a year. Decent chance I’m the only one who’s ever seen it, but that doesn’t matter to me.

Dessert

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It’d be kind of messed up to make Chocolate Strawberry Oreos eat chocolate or fruit, so all that leaves really are Sweethearts. Not ideal, but we can make the most of it. Maybe blend them up and make some smoothies. Maybe melt them down for some Sweetheart fondue. Maybe I’ll skip this part because they’re gross. It’ll be a game time decision.

Seal the Deal

What happens next? Well, I’ll leave that to the imagination. Let’s just say it involves a glass of milk and me eating a million Oreos in one sitting. Hope everyone’s Valentine’s Day is as good as mine is about to be!

Champions League Knockout Round starts today

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Weren’t expecting this, were you? That’s right, your boy knows soccer, and today is a pretty monumental day in the fùtbol world. The knockout stage of the Champions League kicks off today, and I, for one, am very excited. Over the next month, there’s gonna be some great games, including the shiniest matchup of all: Barcelona vs. PSG.

In an odd twist, the pairings seem to be somewhat randomly created, which is a huge departure from the typical soccer style. Barcelona has to face PSG when there are teams like Leicester, Porto, and Bayer Leverkusen left? Huh? And Real Madrid is facing Napoli, the highest scoring team in Italy, instead of perennial losers Arsenal? What’s going on here? Someone call up Sepp Blatter and have him fix these matchups.

In another shocking turn of events, the Premier League is probably going to be finished at the end of this round. Again. At what point does the title of “The Best League in the World” get called into question? Judging by the fact that the other best teams in the world routinely leave the Premiership for dead, that time should come soon. I mean, Arsenal might have a chance if Bayern pulls an Arsenal and collapses mentally. This year’s Leicester, unfortunately, doesn’t really have a chance against Sevilla, who is an unlikely 3rd in La Liga this year. And Man City, always the shining beacon of hope for the Premier league, is facing a scalding hot Monaco (side note: if I was a pro soccer player, the only team I’m playing for is Monaco. Why be just another cog in the Barcelona/Real/Man United machine? Let me live out my days in the closest thing on Earth to paradise (beautiful coast, no taxes, legendary casinos) and just be a legend there. Not sure why they don’t get more huge names). Honestly, I don’t see any of the three advancing.

As for the rest of the matchups, I’ve got Real over Napoli, Benfica over Dortmund, Atletico Madrid over Bayer Leverkusen, and Juventus over Porto. Can PSG beat Barcelona???? Umm, no. No they can’t. Barcelona doesn’t lose. Last time I checked, Messi isn’t wearing an Argentina jersey kit, which means he’s about to dominate. I don’t really know how other people feel about them since I’m not exactly plugged in to the soccer insiders (although I was a prodigy in 4th grade), but I think PSG stinks. Edinson Cavani is complete trash and the rest of their team is so blah. I think they’ll get run off the field by Barcelona.

So there you have it. Am I a soccer genius, or do I only have a gift for American football? Does anyone besides me even care about o jogo bonito? Should I just stick to Burning Questions stop trying to force my interests on people? Only time will tell.

Prince Fielder is getting his own “cooking” show called Fielder’s Choice

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source– I have a food show that’s going to be streaming on Netflix and Hulu. It’s coming out around the beginning of spring training in March, I believe. It’s not just baseball people. It’s a mixture of baseball people, actors, musicians, chefs and whatnot. They bring out different dishes, and at the end of the show, I give the one I like the most the “Fielder’s choice.” It’s good TV.

Prince had to retire because of a million neck surgeries, but he also had to retire because he kind of sucks now. His decline inexorably began when he went vegan and lost weight, robbing himself of his fat guy power stroke. I guess retirement brought him clarity, because this is an ingenious move. Besides the fact that hosting a show where people just make you food is the ultimate dream job, this is the perfect way to get exposure. Ditch the vegan act and take the show on the road. Stop in the Carolinas, Texas, Nashville, and Kansas City and house a ton of barbecue. Make sure you record the show in a batting cage, and each dish you don’t like you just toss it up to yourself and hit it with a bat to show you still have the swing. Maybe field the side dishes while standing on first base. Next thing you know, Prince is fat again and is getting some MLB tryouts. I guarantee by 2019 Prince is on the Rockies or something and puts up 35 homers again. Brilliant play by Prince. Wish I thought of it so I could get a cut of his next contract.

Also goes without saying that Fielder’s Choice is one of the biggest lay-up tv show names of all time.

In Honor of John Wick 2- Top Ten Action Movie Characters

John Wick: Chapter 2 came out yesterday. I haven’t seen it yet but I already know it’s awesome because John Wick was so good. They could literally just CGI different actors into the first one and I’d be coming out of the theater thinking I’ve never seen anything like it. Obviously, to prepare for the release I’ve been re-watching the first one frequently, and it’s got me thinking of where John ranks among the all time action movie characters. So, I put together a top ten. I lost sleep for weeks over this. These flip-flopped so many times it’s not even funny. I wouldn’t be surprised if leaving some people out cost me my life.

This is based on a number of different factors: body count, best lines, best hair, signature moves, and general badass-ness and coolness. There are no limitations on actors having multiple entries. I also value quality over quantity. I won’t punish a character for appearing in a million movies (as you’ll soon see), but if a one-off character has a transcendent performance he gets priority over one who put in five average ones. Villains are eligible. I know I called this Best Action Movie characters, but this is bigger than genre. It’s a mindset. So characters from all genres of movies who show the requisite qualities are eligible, but not many do. Kill counts from AOBG and moviebodycounts.

Before we begin, I need to give out some Honorable Mentions because I want everyone to understand how difficult it was to make this list: Hans Gruber, Diehard (doesn’t get his hands dirty enough), Han Solo, Star Wars (one of my favorite characters ever, but too PG for this list), Indiana Jones (Ditto), Chad and Alex Wagner, Double Impact (I’ll be honest, I’m not the biggest Van Damme guy, but I knew he was far too important to ignore. Not enough to crack the top 10, though), Ip Man (there’s so many great martial arts characters out there that check every box on the badass check sheet. But, most have the personality of a paperclip. Ip Man was an exception), Creasy, Man on Fire/ Robert McCall, The Equalizer (I wish Denzel would do more action movies. They all deliver), Harry Callahan, Dirty Harry series/ Man with No Name, Dollars Trilogy (shout out to one of the original action heroes Clint Eastwood), Leonidas, 300 (good body count and one-liners, but loses points for dying as the protagonist), Maximus, Gladiator (see- Leonidas), Jack Reacher (second best character to come out in the last few years. But he’s going up against some legends), Ethan Hunt, Mission Impossible franchise (the Tim Hudson of action stars- always good, never great), Machete (another tough cut. But those were some weird movies), Mason Storm, Hard to Kill (how do I leave him off the list? This top 10 better be stacked), Beck, The Rundown/ Chris Vaughn, Walking Tall (early Rock movies were so good), Stanley Goodspeed/ John Patrick Mason, The Rock (one of the best TNT movies ever), RoboCop (always felt like there was something missing with those movies), Neo, Matrix Trilogy (would have been better with a little more personality from Keanu (not a problem for another character)), Frank Martin, The Transporter (Jason Statham might be the most underrated action star ever), Dalton, Roadhouse (one of the all time cheesiest movies ever, but it’s high points are unreal), Steven Hiller, Independence Day (there was a time when Will Smith owned Summer more than anyone ever owned any season. Then he got married), Neville Flynn, Snakes on a Plane (easily one of the top ten lines of all time), President Marshall, Air Force One (get out of my top ten!), Riggs and Murtaugh, Lethal Weapon series (all time action duo), Batman (this is a character countdown, not an actor one. So the Batman character loses points for George Clooney), Dom Toretto/ Brian O’Connor/ Hobbs, Fast and Furious franchise (might be my favorite movie franchise ever. So many great lines, so many great moments, so much great action. But as action characters, they lack the singular badass-ness as the top 10), Tango & Cash (greatest one-off action duo and one of the most underrated movies ever), Cameron Poe/ Cyrus the Virus, Con Air (for my money, the second best action villain ever. Manipulative, arrogant, conniving, great lines, and personally killed a lot of people. Poe nearly makes the top 10 on the strength of his hair alone), Tommy Oliver, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie (held back by the fact that it was a kid’s movie. Could easily have run up a big time body count), Marion Cobretti, Cobra/ Judge Dredd/ Gabe Walker, Cliffhanger/ John Spartan, Demolition Man (the great Stallone roles that didn’t make the cut), Dutch, Predator/ Jack Slater, Last Action Hero/ Terminator/ Douglas Quaid/Houser, Total Recall/ Ben Richards, Running Man (respect the GOAT), James Bond (before Daniel Craig they were all kind of pussies).

Now, finally, to the top ten:

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10. Castor Troy, Face/Off

Perhaps the most electrifying two-man acting performance to ever grace the silver screen. Nic Cage turning it up to 100 is always reason to watch, but then when John Travolta tries to imitate Nic Cage turning it all the way up it becomes something more. It becomes the purest form of performance art that Louis Le Prince dreamed of when his camera recorded the first moving images. Castor himself checks all the boxes you would expect from an all time action villain. The great lines. The dastardly plan (his body count would be in the millions had his plan succeeded). A great crew. You know John Travolta’s hair always comes to play. Easily the most iconic late-90’s film villain, no matter the genre.

Best Line: I’m Castor Troy!

Kills: 26

Signature Move: Overacting

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9. Snake Plissken, Escape from New York/ Escape from L.A.

Any time the first video result that pops up in Google is (character) Badass, you know you’ve got something special. The first example I can think of of the Government turning to the best criminal when their own guys can’t get the job done, Snake serves as the template for every pretty much every criminal-with-a-heart-of-gold anti-hero that came after him. Bonus points for using multiple weapons for kills, making an underhand three-quarter court shot in Escape from L.A., and huge, huge bonus points for having by far the best hair on the list.

Best Line: Call me Snake

Kills: 36

Signature Move: Pointing his gun skyward while turning his head towards the camera with a scowl/smirk on his face while smoking a cigarette.

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8. The Bride, Kill Bill

The only woman on the list gets in mostly on the strength of her elite body count. Depending on where you look, you get anywhere from 62-76. Let’s go with 70. That’s crazy high for a non-Stallone/Arnold character (but not the highest. We’ll get to him later). She has some of the most beautifully choreographed fight scenes and gets bonus points for some sweet katana kills, a very underused weapon these days. Her personality is decent for a pretty standard revenge flick, and she’s about as cool as a married woman can be.

Best Line: As I said before, I’ve allowed you to keep your wicked life for two reasons. And the second reason is so you can tell him in person everything that happened here tonight. I want him to witness the extent of my mercy by witnessing your deformed body. I want you to tell him all the information you just told me. I want him to know what I know. I want him to know I want him to know. And I want them all to know they’ll all soon be as dead as O-Ren.

Kills: 70

Signature Move: Somehow not getting killed when surrounded by about 50 people with swords

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7. Jason Bourne, Bourne Series

Even though I biased towards Matt Damon, Jason Bourne is an easy pick for the list. Even in a series that prides itself on gritty realism, he’s still superhumanly badass. Probably the smartest character on the list, he outwits the blackest of black ops forces four movies in a row. Has a surprisingly low kill count, but if you add in all the random henchmen he knocks out, he’s right up there. He’s top three most creative and innovative action hero ever, and can teach MacGyver a thing or two about using one’s surroundings.

Best Line: I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside. I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs two hundred fifteen pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab or the gray truck outside, and at this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before my hands start shaking. Now why would I know that? How can I know that and not know who I am?

Kills: 43 (21 in Jason Bourne)

Signature Move: Breaking your humerus

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6. Bryan Mills, Taken Series

This is where my objectivity becomes impressive, because Bryan Mills might be my second  favorite action character ever, but I’m willing to admit he’s only number 6 on the list. Spent three movies killing countless guys that look like Jusuf Nurkic and Nikola Jokic of the Nuggets with his bare hands and the butt of his gun. The ultimate example of what happens when grizzled badass-ness meets dad-strength. Every line he delivers has the perfect mix of steely malice and fatherly concern. Near superhuman spacial awareness and never loses his cool under any circumstances. In a rare twist, his killing sprees end with him saving someone, rather than for pure revenge.

Best Line: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. (What else?)

Kills: 72

Signature Move: Throat chop

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5. John Rambo, Rambo Series

Culturally, the second most important character on this list. His name now synonymous with gung-ho, reckless, take-no-prisoners violence, what started as a critical look at a soldier’s life after combat turned into the most graphic and gratuitously violent franchise this side of Friday the 13th. And personally, I’m more than okay with that. The most prolific murder ever, when you see his final kill count keep in mind that he killed one (1) person in First Blood. The originator of the One Man Army genre and the ultimate backwoods badass, Rambo’s impact can be felt in pretty much every facet of American culture. So why isn’t he higher? Well, this countdown takes every facet of a character into account. After First Blood, Rambo doesn’t show a whole lot of personality. He’s like a cardboard cutout of a man who can magically operate a mini-gun. It took me about an hour to come up with his best line, and it wasn’t because there were so many to parse through. Nonetheless, both Rambo and Stallone are legends. Points for consistently good hair.

Best Line: When you’re pushed, killing is as easy as breathing

Kills: 442 (!!)

Signature Move: Killing with giant knife/M60/bow

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4. Aragorn, Lord of the Rings trilogy

When determining the best action characters, it’s important not to judge someone by the purity of their genre, but by the content of their character. The Lord of the Rings movies aren’t necessarily what you think of when it comes to action movies, but all three have more traditional action that First Blood did. And Aragorn brings all the qualities you need: ultimate badass warrior, uses swords, skilled tracker and survivalist, decent hair when it’s not wet and greasy. What he lacks in witty one-liners he makes up for in stirring speeches. Might not matter too much in the lone-wolf world of action movies, but he’s the best leader in movie history. Not many kings make the list, so that has to count for something.

Best Line: We will not abandon Merry and Pippin to torment and death. Not while we have strength left. Leave all that can be spared behind. We travel light. Let’s hunt some Orc.

Kills: Depends on where you look. Somewhere between 60-108

Signature Move: Beheading

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3. John Wick, John Wick

It took all the willpower I had not to put the Boogeyman number one. He might have made the list if he never killed anyone based on the way the Russians talk about him in the first half hour of the movie. Twenty years from now, we’ll be talking about John Wick the same way we talk about Rambo and the true number one on the list. He’s an instant legend. A maestro with a pistol, he dishes out headshots with reckless abandon. His abilities border on superhuman, and no injury slows him for more than five minutes. Highest single movie kill count of anyone not played by Stallone or Schwarzenegger. Keanu Reeves’ trademark wooden deadpan was made for action movies. The reason John Wick is rewarded for his excellent stoicism but Rambo is punished is that Rambo in First Blood was a real person, then devolved into a silent killing machine. Good hair and is always well dressed.

Best Line: People keep asking if I’m back and I haven’t really had an answer. But now, yeah, I’m thinkin’ I’m back.

Kills: 80 (Haven’t seen 2 yet)

Signature Move: Headshot

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2. John Matrix, Commando

Absolute peak Schwarzenegger. His best role, bar none. The Picasso of one-liners, he takes sentences that come off as horribly cheesy, insufferable puns when uttered by lesser men and molds them into pure poetry. John Matrix takes that skill to the absolute extreme, delivering verbal gold after every kill. And he kills a lot of people. The platonic ideal of the 80s action hero: gigantic physical specimen spews pithy lines as he mercilessly revenge-kills everyone in his wake while also squashing a South American military coup. Now that John Wick 2 is out, Matrix stands as the best one-movie action character ever, and the best character from the first era of action movies.

Best Line:

Kills: 102

Signature Move: Impaling with a steam pipe

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1. John McClane, Die Hard Series

In the world of action movies, there’s two eras: Before Die Hard and After Die Hard. John McClane stands as arguably the most influential film character of all time. Almost every action movie to come out after Die Hard borrowed something from it. Hero singlehandedly takes out bad guys who are holding someone/somewhere hostage. Wisecracking smart-ass takes down foreigner. Badass on vacation is dragged back into the fray. How many times have you seen any of those scenarios if you really think about it? A million? Not that I’m complaining. McClane has everything: badass cop who plays by his own rules, rough exterior with a soft side, creative use of space and weapons, clever lines, and a superhuman ability to never die. In every Die Hard movie, he should die at least three times, but he doesn’t (has anyone looked into whether Unbreakable is the secret prequel to Die Hard?). He even has hair, which still seems weird to me. Bruce Willis is the most natural bald guy ever. Gains points for still standing out every movie despite always having great characters around him.

Best Line:

Kills: 59

Signature Move: Dying hard