The Greatest YouTube Video of All Time

Hope everyone had a good holiday weekend. I know I did. Ate tons of food, which is pretty much all I care about. Only thing is, I got so carried away chasing Black Friday deals I somehow wound up in the middle of Nebraska. Not good! I had to hitchhike my way back, and, along the way, I spent a lot of time on YouTube. And whenever I say I’m spending a lot of time on YouTube, I mostly mean I’m watching this video on a loop.

Easily the greatest video I’ve ever seen. Celine Dion, who I openly stan for, and *NSYNC, a titan of late 90s/early 00s pop, performing “That’s the Way It Is,” maybe a top ten song ever written and the unquestioned GOAT Grocery Store Pop song (grocery store soundtracks always feature 80s, 90s, and early 00s soft/contemporary pop). It’s just a combination of everything good in this world. This video has 34,000 views, and at least 17,000 of those are from me. It’s time more people joined the party. Every second of this video is amazing, so I figured I’d just break down everything you need to know about the Greatest YouTube Video Ever Made.

0:02- I honestly have no idea what the context for this performance is. I’m assuming it’s some kind of awards show? Maybe the Grammy’s? The CBS logo is there, so it was on TV. I think I’d be happier not knowing where this takes place. Keeps the intrigue going.

0:12- Fatone. Look at this hair. Look at this leather suit. This was how pop stars looked in the late 90s, and everyone was okay with it.

0:15- Love this keyboardist. You can feel his passion.

0:17- Celine might be the worst dancer of all time, but I respect her willingness to experiment. You can see the gears turning in her head every time she tries out a new move, and she almost always realizes it wasn’t good.

0:26- I say almost always because she just discovered this point. Remember it, because it’ll come back later.

0:39- Lance Bass might secretly have a top 5 life ever. Guy has no musical talent whatsoever but somehow became the second most well-known member of the second most important pop group of the 21st century, then added in a few TV show appearances for good measure. Legend.

0:57- How do you get this gig? Like how do you become the drummer for a Celine Dion/*NSYNC mashup? Does it pay well? Did he brag to his friends and family about landing this? Need to know more about this guy.

0:59- I’m almost certain she’s lip syncing the whole time, but who cares? Celine Dion earned the right to lip sync a long time ago.

1:00- I need this leather suit. Someone put me in touch with Fatone so I can get it from him.

1:04- The camera loves Bass and Fatone. I, for one, am not surprised.

1:09- “I can’t wait to fire my agent.”

1:13- What is this outfit? A white trench coat? No wonder Chris is the forgotten member.

1:16- Point counter: 2

1:18- I feel bad for JC. He had some serious pipes, but had the personality of a cardboard box. *NSYNC should have had two post-*NSYNC stars, but JC got left behind. Sad!

1:30- Name a more iconic duo. I’ll wait.

1:38- This is her sweet spot. Standing in place and raising her arms. Not sure anyone has ever had better ballad posture.

1:57- The people’s drummer showing his versatility.

2:01- How do they let Timberlake go out there with such an ill-fitting coat? Who was in charge of wardrobe for this thing?

2:02- Is this drummer secretly the sixth member of *NSYNC? He’s soaking up screen time.

2:10- Point counter: 3

2:12- JC reminds me of the captain of the Titanic. He knows his career is a sinking ship when Timberlake leaves, but he’s still giving his all because that’s the only thing he knows how to do. A true professional.

2:14- We need to start keeping track of everyone that’s getting more screen time than Chris. Right now the drummer and keyboardist both have significantly more.

2:16- Maybe the most electrifying dance moves I’ve ever seen in my life.

2:25- If you look closely you can see the seeds of the breakup being planted in Timberlake’s mind.

2:27- This touch was not in the dress rehearsal.

2:37- Can’t stop looking at JT’s neck. It’s like a turtle who doesn’t know whether to go back in its shell or not.

2:47- Timberlake is swimming in that coat. Did they not have tailors available? Also, this is why I assume it’s the Grammy’s or something in winter, because there’s no other reason to wear a coat like this in a climate controlled environment.

2:51- Timberlake should have taken Joey with him when he went solo, because he’s honestly got more stage presence than everyone else combined.

2:57- The real reasons behind *NSYNC’s success.

3:05- So the drummer, keyboardist, and now backup singers all have more screen time than Chris. Is that pre-Idol Ruben Studdard?

3:11- Can’t imagine what it’s like being in the presence of a Celine Dion power note.

3:16- I actually think there’s two drummers. Both have more screen time than Chris.

3:23- At this point, Chris has to fight somebody or go off script or something to get back on camera. It’s about pride, now.

3:25- Point counter: 4

3:33- Never seen a bigger pity wide shot to get Chris back on screen.

3:34- Celine sure is comfortable around Lance. I wonder why?

3:37- Point counter: 6 (this high difficulty point counts as 2)

3:48- You know she was thinking about this wink the whole time, and it didn’t disappoint.

3:53- Final point counter: 7

4:00- gecko hawaii. Never seen this logo before or since. But somehow they got ahold of this footage, so I’m always in their debt.

Sadly, the video ends after that. Well, it ends assuming you don’t have it set on repeat, which would be a pretty curious decision to say the least. I’m sorry if I got you addicted, but I just wanted to share my affliction. I will never get tired of this video, and I thank the Internet Gods every day for delivering it to my doorstep.

Advertisements

I think the Weeknd might be a Virgin

the-weeknd-fea-bb32-3af7-2016-billboard-1548

This might seem like it’s coming out of nowhere, but last night, as I was driving home, “I Feel It Coming,” by The Weeknd featuring Daft Punk, came on my radio. While it wasn’t the first time I heard it, I hadn’t really thought about it much until then, and I had two initial thoughts. The first is that it’s a blazing hot song and I couldn’t wait to listen to it a million more times. The second is that The Weeknd literally talks about sex and drugs in every single song. Who does that? This isn’t the poker scene from 40 Year Old Virgin. No one cares about your sexual escapades, man. The people who talk about how many chicks they’ve banged or how high they get are always the ones who’ve done the least. Then it hit me: I’m pretty sure The Weeknd is a virgin. Or, at least he was until he got huge.

First off, Wikipedia tells me he started doing drugs when he was 11. The source for that? The Weeknd himself. Hmmmm. Pretty convenient to be your own biographer. Second, The Weeknd is, by a country mile, the worst stage name ever created by man. You can’t be a solo act and call yourself The Weeknd. That’s a band name, and a bad band name at that. His real name is Abel Makkonen Tesfaye. That’s a sweet name. Go by that, not The Weeknd. If I was a self-respecting woman, and someone introduced themselves to me as The Weeknd, and had this hair:

the-weeknd-4

I’m telling him thanks, but no thanks. He also has no stage presence. Ever watch him perform? He’s like a rotting 2×4 up there. And he’s like 5’8″. I don’t care how smooth and velvety your voice is, or how many jams you throw out, that’s a lot to overcome. I just did some quick research, and he talks about drugs or sex in 100% of his songs. It’s like when guys get $200,000 sports cars or huge Hummers. Everyone knows what it really means. My man Abel is just trying to fit in at the cool table, so he’s just telling stories about his favorite porn videos. I’d love to spend a weekend with The Weeknd (get it?) just to see what he actually does. Actually, I probably wouldn’t since he’s got one of the most boring personalities of all time. But that’s just a side effect from all the “drugs,” right?

I mean, at some level, I get it. I’m not the “coolest” guy you’ll ever meet. I don’t do the drugs and, somehow, I’m still single. I can see how you’d want to stretch the truth. But people know, man. Just look at the patron saint of the Brian’s Den, George Michael. Once he stopped pretending be something he wasn’t, he became a legend. Not everyone can be a Barry White love machine. The world needs ditch diggers and boring people, too. Maybe it’s time for the real Abel Tesfaye. Let’s get some tracks about staying in on Saturday night or playing a bunch of Minesweeper on your computer. It’s about time we get some nice R&B about not finding anyone to go with you to that new restaurant you’ve been meaning to try or binge watching Big Bang Theory. That’s when your career will really take off.

Happy Birthday Celine Dion

og_image

So today is Celine Dion’s 49th birthday, and normally it wouldn’t be a big deal since I’m not some huge Celine Dion guy or anything (just kidding, I am), but I had to address some troubling news I recently learned: Celine Dion is now a Las Vegas performer. Somehow I didn’t know she’d been doing it since 2011. As a society, how did we let this happen? Celine Dion was HUGE in the 90s. She’s got like 40% of all the best power ballads ever on her resume, including undeniably one of the five most famous songs of all time. She’s got the strongest voice this side of Mariah Carey. And now she’s got a show in Vegas? Say it ain’t so, Celine.

Listen, I understand that playing in the same place every night is the closest thing someone like Celine Dion can have to a regular life. And usually these deals are crazy lucrative. But being a Vegas performer is so…gauche. If you’re in the same category as Carrot Top, it’s usually not a good thing. Maybe if she was a magician it’d be good. Or some curiosity act like Cirque du Soleil. But this is Celine Dion we’re talking about. She’s so far above Vegas it’s not even funny. This is like when Jordan played for the Wizards. Sure, he was still an all star talent, but everyone watching wishes he would have just retired instead of hanging on. I’m going to take the liberty to speak for Celine and say I wish she had just hung up the old evening gown instead of going Vegas. Where is she even playing, anyway? Caesar’s Palace? Oh. That changes things, actually. Caesar’s Palace is big time. I just kind of assumed she was at some low class place like the Luxor or the Flamingo. But Caesar’s Palace is a little different. Now I can kind of understand the appeal. Alright, I guess I have to do a bit of a 180 on this, then. Of course she got Caesar’s Palace. It all makes sense now. I still would have preferred if she aimed a little higher than Vegas, but at least she got a spot in Caesar’s Palace.

(I recognize this wasn’t my best effort my I was just struck seriously ill with a surprise cold, so sue me)

Obligatory:

Whoops, how’d that get in there?

Migos beat up Sean Kingston?

photos-medleyphoto-7733943

sean-kingston-teen-choice

TMZ– Sean Kingston was cuffed by Vegas cops shortly after he was allegedly beaten up bad by Migos.

As we reported, Sean got into verbal altercation with Migos at the Sands Expo and Convention Center Tuesday afternoon and the group allegedly pummeled him to the ground. We’re told someone in Sean’s camp fired a shot in the air but no one was hit.

Sean bolted from the scene, as did Migos. The video (above) shows cops questioning Sean and a passenger after cops stopped his car. We’re told he was questioned but not arrested.

(I know I’m a day late to this story, but it’s so important I had to weigh in.)

Listen, Migos, I you’re hot right now. Number one song. Number one album. Throwing money with Ellen. But you guys better check yo’selves before you wreck yo’selves and keep your hands off Sean Kingston.

Stories like this make me sympathize a little with the Millennial-hating older folks who claim young people have no respect anymore. Sean Kingston is a legend of the game. He was massive as recently as 2010. And he’s already getting disrespected by this brash new generation. SMH. Do Migos not know how important Sean Kingston was in the late 2000s? Look at all the hits: Beautiful Girls, Take You There, Love Like This, Ennie Meenie, FIRE BURNING? Fire Burning alone is enough to get lifelong Prince treatment. And some young guns have the nerve to beat him up? And then he gets stopped by the cops? What planet am I on? I remember when multiple hit singles got you some social cachet, but I guess those days are long gone. I really thought all the predictions that our society would fall apart now that Trump is president were just overreaction, but now I’m not so sure. Sean Kingston should be under the same protection as rhinos are. Not beaten to a pulp and left for dead. What is he, a 15 year NFL vet we just throw to the wolves after he retires? It’s time we start looking out for legends. #PrayForSean #FreeKingston #whatagwan