Author: Brian

I’m Going to my First Wedding Tonight

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Ahh, Wedding Season. Love is in the air, immaculate suits and dresses are being tailored, and many, many, many dollars are exchanging hands because Sarah just has to have a bouquet of white roses at every table, she doesn’t care about shortages and inflated prices. Not many better times of year. This will be my first time experiencing it firsthand. I’m a nuptial neophyte, if you will. After years and years of courtship, some of my friends from college (yeah, I have friends, nbd) are tying the knot, and I couldn’t be happier for them. I can’t wait to sit through the ceremony and revel all night long. There’s nothing else going on, tonight, anyway. Wait, what’s that? Game 4 of the NBA Finals is on? And the Warriors could both finish the sweep and finish a 16-0 postseason? Ughhhh. What’s the NBA doing scheduling a Finals game on a Friday night? Don’t they know people (besides me) always have fun plans Friday night? Who has time to stay and watch a basketball game? Just move it to tomorrow night. It’s just basketball, right? And, no offense to the lovely couple, but who gets married on Friday? Don’t they know people have jobs? Very annoying!

And, of course, the entire thing is at a nice beachfront venue that’s ideal for romantic pictures and outdoor dancing, but very un-ideal for those of us who care more about sports than the people they actually know (mostly just me). Not a TV in the place. Considering I can stream the game on the handy ESPN App™, I’m praying there’s some WiFi. After all, you only get to see LeBron lose in the Finals once a year. But if I have to watch the game on my phone, how am I supposed to tweet my way through it at the same time? Didn’t anyone think about how inconvenient this wedding was for me? Apparently not. Talk about inconsiderate. I was kind of hoping the Cavs would win Wednesday night to avoid this exact scenario. Unfortunately for me, they completely laid down in the last few minutes and were handed one of the most crushing basketball losses I’ve ever seen. There’s no chance whatsoever the Cavs can pick themselves up and win this game. They’re done. They’re broken. The role players had already quit, but know Kyrie and LeBron have, too. At this point, nothing is going to keep Tristan Thompson from making his Saturday morning flight to Barbados. This is over. Warriors might win by 40. So, obviously, no big deal that I’m missing it, right? Well, I live for NBA Finals clinching blowouts. Seeing players like LeBron, Kobe, Durant, or LeBron again sit on the bench dejectedly as the winning team runs it up is great. They produce so many great pictures, videos, and memes. It shapes who the internet will make fun of for the next week. When someone online says that LeBron is probably the most skilled and versatile player ever, instead of considering the facts and forming legitimate arguments for or against, we can all just post a picture of him looking sad on the bench because the rest of his team stinks. And I have to miss that in real time. I pretty much can’t contribute to anything online for the next few days. I have to wait until the next Thing happens. I might as well be 100 years old, unable to figure out this new-fangled telephone my grandkids gave me. What a bummer. At least the couple is happy.

The Fact that Cleveland thinks it gets a nickname gets me all Fired Up

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As is usually the case, during the eon-long downtime in between NBA Finals games (which, as LeBron James will tell you, are just basketball games. They aren’t the end of the world. When he wakes up tomorrow, he’ll still have more money and fame than you’ll ever have. But, no, he’s not bitter that someone out-Super Teamed him), we’ve been pelted with teasers and previews for Wednesday night’s game 3. And, as the game is being played in Cleveland, they keep repeating the now-tired phrase “Defend The Land.” The Land meaning Cleveland. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a particularly new nickname. Unsurprisingly, LeBron created it in an effort so seem cool to all his friends in hip hop. It makes sense, too. You can’t spell Cleveland without Land. You can certainly see where people are coming from when they say it. But take a second to really think about it.

The Land. How much land is there in the world? A lot, right? So, something that called The Land must be pretty important, right? Maybe some kind of mystical, sacred ground that ancient people travelled to for worship. Or a booming economic or cultural center that dictates trends throughout the world. Or, at the very least, it has to have some kind of political importance. It has to be something, right? Nope, it’s Cleveland. The arrogance of LeBron to think that anyone outside the state of Ohio thinks of Cleveland as anything but a giant dump. I’ve been to Cleveland, so I’m speaking from experience here: Cleveland sucks. Everything about it is bad. The food stinks. The city is ugly. It’s always so hazy. Their sports teams outside the Cavs are horrible, and since there’s nothing else to do in town, the people are so beaten down and defensive about everything. In fact, the nickname The Land is the perfect snapshot of the people of Cleveland: they have such an inferiority complex they latch on to anything that shows it’s “us-against-the-world” and makes anyone outside the 216 area code notice them and acknowledge that they even exist. Cleveland is nothing. Cleveland is irrelevant. Cleveland isn’t The Land. You can’t Defend it. There’s nothing to defend! What, are people going to steal the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame? Not that! What culture does Cleveland have? What contributions has Cleveland ever made to America? LeBron and Drew Carey? Is that it? And you want to call that place The Land? Why? Not every city gets a nickname. What if, in an alternate reality, I was famous enough to create nicknames and I called my hometown of Rutland, Vermont The Land? Or The City? Or if I called Vermont The State? I hope would get mocked endlessly. You can’t just give something of such little importance a nickname like The Land. I don’t know what place in the world most deserves to be called The Land, but I know for a fact it isn’t a sad-sack place like Cleveland. I pray to God that the good people of Cleveland read this and make me public enemy number one, because that would mean I never have to go there again. Hey, Cleveland, you aren’t The Land, you’re The Dump. Boom, roasted. Rant over.

I think the Weeknd might be a Virgin

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This might seem like it’s coming out of nowhere, but last night, as I was driving home, “I Feel It Coming,” by The Weeknd featuring Daft Punk, came on my radio. While it wasn’t the first time I heard it, I hadn’t really thought about it much until then, and I had two initial thoughts. The first is that it’s a blazing hot song and I couldn’t wait to listen to it a million more times. The second is that The Weeknd literally talks about sex and drugs in every single song. Who does that? This isn’t the poker scene from 40 Year Old Virgin. No one cares about your sexual escapades, man. The people who talk about how many chicks they’ve banged or how high they get are always the ones who’ve done the least. Then it hit me: I’m pretty sure The Weeknd is a virgin. Or, at least he was until he got huge.

First off, Wikipedia tells me he started doing drugs when he was 11. The source for that? The Weeknd himself. Hmmmm. Pretty convenient to be your own biographer. Second, The Weeknd is, by a country mile, the worst stage name ever created by man. You can’t be a solo act and call yourself The Weeknd. That’s a band name, and a bad band name at that. His real name is Abel Makkonen Tesfaye. That’s a sweet name. Go by that, not The Weeknd. If I was a self-respecting woman, and someone introduced themselves to me as The Weeknd, and had this hair:

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I’m telling him thanks, but no thanks. He also has no stage presence. Ever watch him perform? He’s like a rotting 2×4 up there. And he’s like 5’8″. I don’t care how smooth and velvety your voice is, or how many jams you throw out, that’s a lot to overcome. I just did some quick research, and he talks about drugs or sex in 100% of his songs. It’s like when guys get $200,000 sports cars or huge Hummers. Everyone knows what it really means. My man Abel is just trying to fit in at the cool table, so he’s just telling stories about his favorite porn videos. I’d love to spend a weekend with The Weeknd (get it?) just to see what he actually does. Actually, I probably wouldn’t since he’s got one of the most boring personalities of all time. But that’s just a side effect from all the “drugs,” right?

I mean, at some level, I get it. I’m not the “coolest” guy you’ll ever meet. I don’t do the drugs and, somehow, I’m still single. I can see how you’d want to stretch the truth. But people know, man. Just look at the patron saint of the Brian’s Den, George Michael. Once he stopped pretending be something he wasn’t, he became a legend. Not everyone can be a Barry White love machine. The world needs ditch diggers and boring people, too. Maybe it’s time for the real Abel Tesfaye. Let’s get some tracks about staying in on Saturday night or playing a bunch of Minesweeper on your computer. It’s about time we get some nice R&B about not finding anyone to go with you to that new restaurant you’ve been meaning to try or binge watching Big Bang Theory. That’s when your career will really take off.

I’m finally ready to give my take on the matter: the Warriors are Good

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Last night was the exact reason I was fine with the Celtics losing in the Conference Finals. The Cavs played well the majority of the night, and lost by 20. It wasn’t that close. Celtics would have lost by 60. This series is #done. It’s over. There’s not many teams in NBA history that could beat this Warriors team four out of five games, and this year’s Cavs team sure as hell ain’t one of them.

I mean, I don’t even know what else the Cavs can do at this point. I guess they could start by slowing the game down. I have no idea why they’re insisting on playing a million miles and hour against the best fast-break team in 30 years. They just open themselves up to get gashed time and time again. If you’re playing so fast that the only chance you have of winning a single game in this series is gassed in the third quarter, you’re doing something wrong. They could also stop playing Iman Shumpert, like, at all. Everything about him was always overrated because he played in New York, but he’s arguably the worst player in the league. He’s a defensive specialist who can’t guard anybody, and his offense somehow gets worse every season. They could stop throwing lineups that include exactly zero (0) members of the LeBron-Kyrie-Love big 3. But, hey, LeBron likes Tyronn Lue, so who needs a real coach, right? It’s mostly seen as a joke of a question, but are the Cavs actually missing Matthew Dellavedova? He’s not Gary Payton, or anything, but at least he provided some resistance and tried the whole time. Kyrie, who everyone keeps telling me is better than Steph, was absolutely invisible all game. For all the talk of Steph not guarding him, Kyrie doesn’t guard Steph either, even though he “tries” to. Deron Williams might as well be a mannequin on defense. I don’t know what’s going on with J.R. Maybe last year’s carriage of a performance finally turned back into a pumpkin. And the aforementioned Shumpert is bad. Their guard defense is atrocious. LeBron attacks the rim every time, doesn’t get a call, then stands there berating the official as Kevin Durant comes down for an uncontested dunk. Why can’t the Celtics ever face this horrible version of Tristan Thompson? They always get the guy who dominates the boards and commits to defense. All non-LeBron Cavs have totally quit and I’ll be shocked if they win a game this series.

As for the Warriors, I’m still wrestling with how I feel about them. This is one of the greatest team ever, and probably the best since the ’96 Bulls. But they’re the most widely reviled team this side of the Patriots. People hate that Durant pulled the ultimate ring-chasing move. People hate their antics, lead by Steph and Draymond. People hate the new-fangled 3-point shot and how “soft” they are (despite the fact that they have the best defense in the league and the fact that they shoot just as well at the rim as from deep). I’ve mentioned this before, but the Warriors were always kind of my “second team” when they sucked. I loved their at-the-time quirky playing style (Al Harrington revolutionized the stretch-4 I don’t care what you say), I loved their raucous home crowd before it became a corporate, Silicon Valley wine and cheese, go there to be seen crowd, and, most of all, I loved Monta Ellis-era Steph Curry. The one who wasn’t a two time MVP. The one who wasn’t one of the two-or-three most popular players in the league. The one who no one knew about. It felt like being an exclusive club when you were watching and he got a random triple double or 40-point game. You just never knew what you were going to get. I didn’t have League Pass or anything, so watching the Warriors was a rare treat. Sometimes Steph would get hurt or have a crappy game. Sometimes C.J. Watson would take over. It was basketball-roulette. They were a bad team, but they were the most fun team in the league. Then they drafted Klay Thompson, adding another fun heat-check guy. Then Draymond Green developed. Then, in the blink of an eye, they won 73 games and were on the verge of back-to-back titles. They were a national obsession- both during their rise and during their fall. People looked for any excuse to discredit them. Steph Curry was suddenly overrated. Spend enough time on Twitter and you’ll find plenty of people who think he’s flat-out bad. Any time he wasn’t perfect of defense or had an off night shooting the eye emojis would come out in full force. Steph suddenly sucked because he wasn’t a Russell Westbrook level athlete. No matter if people loved him or hated him, they couldn’t keep his name out their mouths. His fame was so extreme I started to dislike him myself. Draymond started kicking and punching everyone in the nuts. And then Kevin Durant added an almost universal hatred. It’s become so extreme that if you don’t think the Warriors are singlehandedly ruining the sport of basketball (despite the fact that LeBron himself created the free-agency-created Super Team era), you’re an idiot and a social pariah. But, like, when I watch them play, I’m sorry but I kind of enjoy it. They play perfect basketball. They move the ball better and more unselfishly than any team in the league. They’re the best shooting team and have some of the best finishers in the NBA. They play some of the best defense in the last 20 years. I don’t really love that Durant signed there, but he’s so great, especially now that he’s blocking shots left and right. I’ve secretly held on to some of my Steph Curry stock, and nights like last night, when he dominated and Kyrie STINKS, make me happy. I love Klay, and wouldn’t mind seeing what he could do on a different team (Celtics?). I could do without the dick punching, but Draymond’s defense can’t be ignored. So, yeah. I guess I still like the Warriors. Sorry I can both appreciate LeBron’s greatness and the overwhelming greatness of the Warriors. I still feel a little dirty about it, but I’m going to love watching them celebrate.

Champions League Final Preview

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Man, the NBA thinks the Champions League has a long wait before the final. College football considers the gap between semi-final and final excessive. It feels like it’s been a year since some Champions League footy was last played. I almost forgot to do this preview, it’s been so long. But, we finally made it to the final. The game match to end all matches. What better place to celebrate the game than historic Cardiff, home of all the world’s greatest clubs? None that I can think of. Luckily, as an American, I haven’t been subjected to countless talk about how this game will affect Ronaldo’s legacy. Everyone’s been too busy debating LeBron’s legacy for that. So, freed from the weightiness of history, I can sit back and enjoy what’s sure to be an epic clash.

This is kind of like Juventus’ semi-final matchup, only if Monaco suddenly switched to Amateur difficulty level. It’s a similar offense vs. defense clash, but Real Madrid is in a different class offensively than anyone in the world save Barcelona. Ronaldo is truly the LeBron of soccer-he’s still great, and, by changing with both the game and his own physical “limitations,” somehow getting better. He’s surrounded by an absurd collection of attacking talent: Benzema, Isco, Kroos, Modric, Marcelo. Gareth Bale, even if he’s healthy, might come off the bench! This team can beat you any way they choose, and if Juventus’ (gracefully) aging defense can’t keep up, this’ll be over fast (that’s why they call me a Soccer Expert, folks). But, isn’t that what they (me) said last round? Yeah, the defense is old. But it’s still the best in the world. The Barzagli-Bonucci-Chiellini triumvirate just shut down a Monaco team that is just as fast (if not faster) than Madrid. Gigi Buffon may have discovered the actual Fountain of Youth. And Juventus isn’t trotting out the expansion Buccaneers, either. They can score, and score quickly. Considering Pepe is still injured for Real, if they’re shaky at all in the back Juventus could put two or three on them in the blink of an eye. Dybala and Higuain are a deadly one-two punch.

In situations like this, I’ll usually pick the team I think can control the midfield. All the scoring and defending in the world is great, but if you get dominated in the middle, it doesn’t mean a whole lot. That’s why I’m leaning Real. I wouldn’t be surprised if this became a blowout either way, but I do think it’ll come down to the wire. Will it be penalties again? Well, that depends on if Ronaldo’s having a good ab day or not. Juventus better make sure a ton of McDonald’s magically makes its way to his hotel room, because if those things are poppin’ and glistenin’ in the Welsh twilight, you know his shirt is getting ripped off at least once in celebration.

Prediction: Real Madrid Wins (But Juventus at even odds looks pretty good)

I’m so hyped for this Captain Underpants Movie

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Maybe I’m just not watching the right channels, but somehow this isn’t the biggest news in the entire world. The Captain Underpants movie comes out today. This is the biggest movie since John Wick 2 and I haven’t been beaten over the head with a relentless add campaign. Classic media, only showing you what they want you to see. Whatever, more room in the theater for me.

I think it’s safe to say I wouldn’t be who I am today without Captain Underpants. I loved everything about the stories. I still do, really. I just identified with George and Harold (mostly Harold, since he’s white). Growing up, I read the Harry Potter books an infinite amount of times. Well, I read the Captain Underpants books more than that. Captain Underpants is more than just a brilliant character and book series. It represents a way of life. To be who you really are deep down inside. To live without shame. To fight for truth, justice, and all that is pre-shrunk and cottony. The books and illustrations were so good I didn’t even think there needed to be a movie. But now that there is one? I’m jacked up. I’m ready to run through a brick wall. I’m gonna be hootin’ and hollerin’ in the theater like it’s the Comedy Night at the Apollo. I’m ready for Action. I’m ready for Thrills. And I’m ready for Laffs. I’m almost hesitant to give a review on it since I’m so biased, but I lack any journalistic integrity, so it’s all good. And let’s be honest. The source material is so good, it’s impossible for this movie to be bad. Hopefully this introduces a new generation to the wonderful exploits of Mr. Krupp, the bravest man who ever lived. I feel like the Patriots just won the Super Bowl again.

TRA LA LAAAAAAA!!!!!

NBA Finals Preview

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Wait, basketball is still happening? I almost forgot about it it’s been so long since a game has been played. But, finally, the Finals start tomorrow night. It’s a surprise matchup this season, as no one really saw the Cavs and Warriors clashing for a third straight Finals. But that’s why I say the NBA is the best league: the pure unpredictability of it all. The NHL could learn a thing or two from the NBA, I’ll tell you that much. Like what’s the point of even playing the regular season in the first place? Everyone knew it was going to be Pittsburgh-Nashville in the Finals the whole time. Makes me sick thinking about it. What a joke the NHL is. Worst league EVER.

I love when people go on long rants about how bad the NBA is and how everyone knew what the Finals were going to be the whole year. First of all, the last two Finals were amazing, so if this year is anything like the first two, I’ll be fine with it. Oh, man, I hate seeing LeBron, at worst the second greatest player ever, pushed to his limits by the ultimate super team which was built specifically to beat him. What a bummer. These incredibly exciting games get old fast. I sure wish I could be watching Jazz-Raptors right about now. And this is the thing the “90s were the best NBA era” crowd somehow doesn’t get- this is how the NBA has always been. Basketball, more than any other sport, is controlled by the best players. It has the least amount of active players at one time, and the luck factor (random deflections in front of goal, bloop singles, Edelman/Tyree type catches, etc.) is way, way lesser than other sports. It’s dominated by skill and athleticism, and, surprisingly, the very best players are the most skilled and athletic. So, the teams with the best players win. If you don’t like it, the Stanley Cup Finals are on, and it’s looking like a pretty good series. And spare me the same, tired “The 90s were more competitive!” bullshit. You mean the same 90s where, if Michael Jordan hadn’t taken two years off, one team would have won eight championships in a row? I repeat: the same team would have won EIGHT titles consecutively. As in, one (1) out of the 27-29 teams would have won a championship. “But he beat so many great teams!” Really? If they were so great wouldn’t they have beaten him at least one time? If the Knicks were just so good, wouldn’t they have managed to beat MJ one out of the million times they played? “The 80s were more competitive!” Either the Celtics or Lakers won 8 of the 10 titles. The early 2000s was either Lakers or Spurs. I’m not sure there were any other teams besides the Celtics in the 60s, and the 50s don’t count since black people weren’t allowed to play yet. The 70s is literally the only period of time in NBA history with anything resembling parity. 10 out of 67 NBA seasons, that’s 15% of the time, there were no “super teams.” It just seems worse now because we can see every second of every game and we have infinitely more access. You think the Bullets were going all out every game in 1986? Probably not, because they knew they weren’t beating the Celtics in the East. It’s just so stupid when people complain about the state of the league. The players are better than ever. There’s more good players than ever, and I know it doesn’t seem like it, but more teams have good players than ever. Yes, the game is less physical now. Man, I hate that people aren’t getting injured anymore or that now that teams don’t have a designated roster spot for some thug who takes people out when they’re going to the rim, there are more skilled players than ever. God, I miss the 90s, am I right? And, of course, the the competitiveness argument. Sorry the all-star game sucks. Does it really affect your life that much? And at some point, there’s a line between competitive spirit and futility. I could try as hard as I can against a 54-year-old Michael Jordan in a game of 1-on-1, but I’ll still never beat him. Why should the Hornets go out and make short-sighted signings and trade everything for a fringe all-star because they just gotta win now and be competitive!, when it will make absolutely no difference against LeBron. So, instead of missing the playoffs, you lose second round and no longer have any kind of future or salary cap flexibility. But, at least you tried, right! So stupid. The NBA is smarter now. At least 10 teams now actually know what they’re doing, which is like, five times more than what it usually is. Teams aren’t going to mortgage their future chasing some golden goose that isn’t leaving Cleveland any time soon. I realize it goes against the mindset you need in literally every other sport, but ruling the NBA landscape when you don’t have one of the greatest players or miraculous collection of homegrown talent is an extreme long game. You need patience. You need foresight. You need to make intelligent moves that set you up to win when there’s a vacuum of power. You can only beat today’s version LeBron, Kyrie, and Love if you have three or four All-NBA level players. You know who else has that? Unless you’re the Warriors, the answer isn’t you. That’s why there’s so much tanking and asset-grabbing going on. Teams realize the best way to come out on top in ten years is by having the best young talent, and the best way to get the best young talent is by having the best draft picks. Listen, there’s not another LeBron-level player on anyone’s radar right now. Theoretically, he’s going to retire at some point. That’s when the Celtics moves pay off. That’s when (maybe) the Sixers moves pay off. That’s when the league becomes wide open. That’s when you get your precious competitive balance. For now, this is just the way it is. If you’re going to be mad at anyone, be mad at the league for rigging a million straight lotteries for Cleveland so they could get Kyrie Irving and, by trading Andrew Wiggins, Kevin Love. Besides Kevin Durant, all the Warriors best players were drafted by the team (and not in the top-5, either). As much as everyone hates them, the Warriors have achieved the platonic ideal of a title contender- they drafted excellently, spent money wisely, and added all the right pieces. That’s not the same formula the Cavs, Heat, or even late 2000s Celtics used. So before you start bitching about how many super teams there are and how they’re ruining the game, maybe consider the fact that the Warriors are just smarter than everyone else.

Anyway, with that rant out of the way, we come to the series at hand. Cavs-Warriors Round III. What will happen? Who will rise to the occasion? Who will choke? Well, I’m willing to bet LeBron will show up. Kevin Durant has spent the last year getting yelled at by people online. He’s been called soft. He’s been getting called out for his playoff failures. He’s been called a coward. Don’t you think he’s had enough? This might come back to bite me James Harden style, but I think Durant will absolutely go off this series, But those two will just cancel each other out. Steph Curry has been sizzling all postseason and has his own Finals demons to expel. He’s going to be big. But, despite the fact that I don’t really like him (it’s probably just his face. Or the fact that he fabricated the fact that he’s a flat-earther just to get some attention), I fully expect Kyrie Irving to match everything he does. Facing Steph always brings out the best of his considerable ability. Then there’s Klay Thompson, who’s icy shooting so far this postseason is either a sign of things to come, or the sign of a pending massive breakout. Honestly, in my mind, he’s going to be the key to the whole series. Somehow, one of the greatest shooters of all time’s jumpshot is the biggest variable. We know what LeBron and Durant and Steph and Kyrie will do. Kevin Love, when not guarded by Draymond Green, will provide his typical reliable shooting, passing, and rebounding. Tristan Thompson is going to completely dominate the glass, and may single-handedly win a game or two. Andre Iguodala and Shaun Livingston should dominate the game when the bench units are in. J.R. Smith and Javale McGee have improbably become consistent, known commodities. We’ve seen how these teams match up. We know their strengths, we know their weaknesses. Literally the only thing we don’t know is if Klay Thompson is going to show up. Listen, the Cavs have spent long portions of this season, both regular and post, looking horrible on defense. If they play that way against the Warriors, they’ll get scraped. But, I bet they’ll be a little more attentive to that side of the ball in the Finals. The Warriors have dominated the competition so soundly that it’s lead people to assume they have an extra gear they haven’t gotten to yet. Really, that just means Klay has been cold. Again, if he gets it going, this could be over fast. But what if he doesn’t? What if they play to another draw? What if it goes seven games? Well, I’ll take the team that has LeBron.

Prediction: Cavaliers in 7

Randy Orton RKOing his kid into the pool is the official, Official start of Summer

GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, HE’S BROKEN IN HALF!!! Just like no Yankee is a True Yankee until they win at least five championships, no summer is a True Summer until it’s officially Pool Season, and no Pool Season is a True Pool Season until you start practicing wrestling finishers on small children into the pool. Ipso facto, Pool Wrestling is the ultimate, official, no doubt about it start to summer. So, thank you, Randy. Even though I’m a noted #teamautumn guy, I appreciate someone taking the reigns and dragging the rest of the world into summer. There’s not many things worse than late May/ early June when everyone is sitting around debating whether or not summer has officially begun or not (yes, I know summer technically doesn’t start until June 21st). If you’re debating it at all, the answer is yes. Well, thanks to this short Instagram video, the debate is over before it started. RIP Randy Orton’s kid.

Now, it should come as no surprise that I am a HUGE pool wrestling guy. When I was growing up me and my friend founded the PWF, and independent wrestling circuit based entirely out of his grandma’s pool. I was the longest reigning Intercontinental Champion in history, nbd. So I’m more than qualified to talk about the aquatic squared circle, more specifically the best moves to do. Some moves (like the stunner, unfortunately) can only realistically be done when both participants are in the water. That’s all well and good, and it makes for great fun. But the truly devastating moves require at least one person to be out of the water. Here’s the power ranking of pool wrestling moves, straight from the master.

Top Five Pool Wrestling Moves

  1. Spear– Unquestioned GOAT. So simple, so pure, so devastating. Nothing beats a good old fashioned spear into the water. Doesn’t matter if the spear-ee knows it’s coming or not. Try spearing a little kid into the pool like Goldberg and not feeling like a god afterwards. Only downside is that it can quickly force everyone to stay in the pool for eternity, since they don’t want to be the next victim.
  2. RKO– As Randy demonstrated above, it can work well with the RKO-er already in the pool, but it takes some immaculate timing. More traditionally done with both parties outside the pool, but, unlike in real life, the recipient better know it’s coming, or you may be responsible for some pretty hefty medical bills. As such, to get the true, out-of-nowhere RKO effect, wait to break it out until it has been well established who is and is not participating in your battle royale. If your pool parties looked anything like mine did, odds are everyone will be very eager to get involved.
  3. Frog Splash/Moonsault/Leg Drop/Etc.– Not for the faint of heart or inexperienced. Any kind of jumping-into-the-pool-onto-someone move can quickly go south, but they can also yield great results. If you feel like living with the consequences, frog splash someone lounging on an inflatable raft for some quick laughs. Combine with alcohol at your own risk.
  4. Powerbomb/F5– Another category not meant for novices. You’ll need some strength (or a serious weight differential) to pull these off, but they probably make the most satisfying splash. If you give someone a good, clean Batista Bomb into a pool you are their new father (or mother. This is an equal opportunity website, after all). I’m pretty sure it’s legally binding, so only do it if your finances are in order and if you feel like claiming a dependent on your next tax return.
  5. Chokeslam– Similar to a powerbomb, but a little safer. Like the spear, anyone can pull off a good chokeslam if the slam-ee is willing. Definitely has to be discussed beforehand, since just randomly grabbing someone’s neck usually ends poorly. When done against a small child, you can get some Kane-like vertical and feel like the new Big Man on Campus.