Category: Sports

I Refuse to Believe I Couldn’t Be an Olympic Luger

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It’s time for everyone’s favorite segment- non-athlete says he could be an Olympian if he wanted to! I know, I know, I usually hate it, too. Like, no, random guy on the couch, you couldn’t roll out of bed and be an Olympic archer (to complete the Olympic debate cycle, yes, LeBron could have been the best handball player ever if he wanted to. But he didn’t, so who cares?). I understand the temptation, though. I even fall into the trap sometimes myself. At least half of Olympic events are weird, obscure curiosities that people only turn to when they’re not good enough to play real sports anymore. I know for a fact I could post up whoever the ski jump champion is. I know if I had the stamina I could dominate biathalon because all those guys are so mentally weak. They miss their first shot and they completely fall apart. I’d win on composure alone. But then I realize that, of course, I would never do these events because they take decades of training and dedication to physical fitness that I just have no interest in. But you’re telling me I couldn’t show up to the U.S. Olympic training facility and start putting up good enough times to make the luge team in 2022?

All these sledding events have to take the least skill of any event. I don’t have the guts to go down headfirst, so skeleton’s out, and I’d just turn into the Isaiah Thomas of bobsled and blame everyone else when we lose, but luge has to be easy. It has to be. Like, how do you even become good at luge? I assume there’s a way to control the sled, but how long could that take to master? Oh, here’s a turn, better turn. Boom, just mastered luge strategy. And all these Olympic guys are skinny and fit, but have they ever heard of something called momentum? Get a fat guy on the sled and it’ll be tough to top that kind of speed once you get going. I figure it would take me five runs to become world class. Two to get used to the speed, two to learn the controls, and one to put it all together. It’d be that simple. All the luging purists will come out and talk about the subtle skills and various intricacies that make the best lugers, and I just know that’s not true. I just Googled how to be good at luge and the first result was a PDF that said the three things you need are flexibility, the ability to relax, and feel. As a follower of the TB12 method, I’m as pliable as they come. Relaxation is my number one skill. You could even say I relax too much. And feel is just a BS intangible they made up to make it sound like not everyone could be good at luge. I’ve gone sledding before, I think I’ve got the gist of luge. I almost want to drop everything and find a luge track right now just to prove I could do it. If I luged every day for the next four years I might be the greatest of all time. Literally the only thing standing in between me and Olympic glory is getting up the motivation to actually do it. Which is usually enough to keep it out of my reach.

Who’s Ready for the Olympics?

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Welcome to Olympics SZN, folks. I, for one, am itching to watch the first huge sporting event of 2018. I still can’t believe they cancelled this year’s Super Bowl. Crazy. Truth be told, my hype level is pretty meh for these Olympics. I’m pumped to spend all day watching cross-country skiing and learning cool facts about Good Korea, but I just find myself caring less than I usually do. Maybe it has something to do with the NHL not letting their players participate (if you ever need a great business model, all you have to do is look up every single major decision the NHL has ever made and do the exact opposite). Maybe it’s because there’s no Russia. The Olympics need a villain to really work. What, I’m supposed to get pumped up when an American beats someone from North Korea who probably hasn’t eaten in four days? Doesn’t get the blood flowing as much. And I realize that we’re the villain for the rest of the world, but the American perspective is really the only thing that matters. I wouldn’t be opposed to Russia being let back in just this one time.

A lot of people hate on the Winter Olympics, but that just shows how uncultured they are. As previously established, snow is my natural habitat, so any time winter activities get their shine I’m in. Plus, the Winter Olympics is the ultimate collection of events that are really cool for about ten minutes until you’ve had enough and big time, world-stopping events like figure skating and mogul skiing. Asian countries are also great at hosting world-wide events, so there’s always the chance we won’t have to hear about how many slave laborers died trying to build the venues on time. It should be a great time. Now, with so many events and so many storylines, things can get a little overwhelming if you don’t know what you’re looking for. Luckily enough, I’ve scoped out all the details you need to stay up-to-date with all the tape-delayed action. So, without further ado, the Official Brian’s Den Winter Olympics Preview 2018:

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Best Events

  • Cross-country skiing– Many people will say watching cross-country skiing on TV sucks. Fake news. CCS is arguably the greatest and most perfect Olympic sport to watch on television. It’s the ultimate background noise if you’re attempting to be productive while also watching TV (who would ever do that? Yikes) and is so boring that it’s impossible to look away. Try not to get emotionally invested in a CCS race after watching more than five minutes, it’s impossible. And there’s always some Norwegian guy in the middle of a huge dynasty, too.
  • Biathlon– Take everything I just said then add guns.
  • Short-track speed skating– Always felt like this would be the coolest to do if you didn’t want to be a skier/snowboarder bro.
  • Ice dancing– It’s just figure skating, but without the fun or personality!
  • Curling– Curling has somehow become the cliché event to ironically say you like (if you ever have the chance to never use the Internet again, take it and never look back), but I actually do enjoy watching people throw some stones.

Olympians to Watch

  • Chloe Kim– When I first heard about this snowboarding prodigy like, last week, I tried really hard not to Google her because I was afraid of what I would see, but I wasn’t strong enough and my fears were confirmed. She was born in 2000 and I feel like such a lazy piece of shit.
  • Iceman– He can control ice which would seem like pretty unfair advantage in the Winter Olympics but when has the IOC not been on the straight and narrow?
  • Nathan Chen– His hair may be his greatest weapon in the male figure skating competition.
  • Johannes Høsflot Klæbo– He’s a Norwegian cross-country skier who also has a vlogging channel on YouTube, so you know he’s someone who you’d really want to hang out with all the time.
  • Iceman– The shock addition of stunt plane piloting to this year’s Games opens up the door for him to win gold.

Fun South Korea Facts

  • The hugely popular music genre known as Korean pop, or “K-Pop” as the kids say, actually originated in South Korea.
  • Haesindang Park in Sinnam is known as Penis Park because it has a bunch of penis statues.
  • Korean babies are considered one year old at birth.
  • They have the fastest Internet in the world but everyone is really stingy with their WiFi password so I can’t use it.
  • Koreans treat their e-Sports “athletes” like rock stars and shower them with fortune and fame, but I’m a nerd loser because I like to play PS4. Very unfair!

Best Korean Food

  • Kimchi– Legend has it Koreans serve kimchi with every meal, which means the salty, fermented veggies must go great with ice cream!
  • Bulgogi– Korean BBQ is *insert chef kissing fingers gif*
  • Bibimbap– Can’t say I’ve ever had it but it’s a funny name.
  • McDonald’s– Korean McDonald’s have delivered for years and we’re just starting to do it. Tells you all you need to know about the sad state of affairs in the USA.
  • Jjajangmyeon– Could have sworn jjajangmyeon was Italian.

Best Korean Companies

  • Samsung– Pretty sure if you’re caught using a non-Samsung electronic device you get sent to North Korea.
  • Hyundai– Hyundai is actually an official sponsor of the NFL, so it’s their fault the Super Bowl was cancelled this year.
  • LG– I bought an LG TV my sophomore year of college and it still works now so, yeah.
  • SK Group– This sounds like a fake company made up to spoof real corporations.
  • Kia– R.I.P. Blake Griffin Kia commercials.

Best Winter Activities

  • Staying inside all day– Really the only one you need.
  • Skiing– I wonder if skiing is the whitest activity ever invented. Still fun, though.
  • Eating a ton of comfort food since you have to wear a heavy jacket whenever you go outside, so who can really tell?– Is this just me?
  • Getting someone else to shovel snow– This might be my primary motivation for wanting a son at some point.
  • Complaining about how poorly everyone else drives in the snow– God, it’s like these people forget they live in New England or something! How are they not used to this?

Worst Events

  • Luge– Luge is cool until you find out skeleton exists and then all of the danger and intrigue goes away.
  • Hockey– Again, why did the NHL pull NHL players? Do they dislike exposure and money?
  • Figure Skating– I think we all have a moral obligation to boycott figure skating with the Tonya Harding incident so fresh in our minds.
  • Freestyle Skiing– Just pick up a board, brah.
  • Anything USA doesn’t win– It’s not even a real sport, anyway. If he wanted to LeBron could be the best in the world in like, three weeks.

Best thing about huge International events that take place on the other side of the world so they’re put on tape-delay even though it’s 2018 and everyone knows the results the second they happen anyway so what’s the point of even watching?

  • Nothing

I think that’s all you need to know about this year’s Olympics. Make sure you don’t get Pyeongchang mixed up with Pyongyang- I’ve heard they don’t appreciate it when you do. Gonna be some great Mike Tirico behind-the-desk action in primetime, and I can’t wait for the awkward “Cris Collinsworth sent to the streets of South Korea for some reason” pieces that will surely captivate the audience. But, it’s impossible to deny the sheer spectacle of the Olympics and the drama they manufacture create through organic competition. Now someone get me a cross-country skiing feed!

NBA Trade Deadline Wrapup

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Another trade deadline came and went in the NBA today, and, predictably, there was a flurry of moves. Most of which involve the Cavaliers, but we can get to that. After all, it’s not every day someone like Noah Vonleh gets traded for the rights to Milovan Rakovic. That kind of deal among the league’s power players can shake up the pecking order in the NBA for years to come. My various sources have confirmed that there were, in fact, other trades made, so might as well break down the big and small.

Cavs Trade For An Entirely New Roster

These Cavs moves made me sad. Not because they suddenly righted the ship or can now beat the Warriors or Rockets (they don’t), but because this might finally end the season-long drama. Just kidding. Kevin Love is still on the roster, after all. LeBron can’t help himself, and yelling at George Hill will be a lot easier than yelling at Isaiah Thomas (short rant on Isaiah: I hope he vows to never speak to LeBron again after this. I don’t know if you heard, but he was actually on the Celtics last year and was traded. He wasn’t happy, can you believe it? He made a big stink about literally everything this season and has been statistically the worst player in the NBA. I don’t know why he thought he was more influential than LeBron or why he’s telling the Lakers he won’t be coming off the bench, as if he’s been so much better than Alex Caruso or whoever the hell the Lakers have starting at point guard with Lonzo out, but I hope that hypocrite tells the media every step of the way how bad the Cavs did him, even though his own shitty play and shitty attitude is the reason the wanted him out of town in the first place. Whatever. Good luck with your Brink’s truck this offseason!). What do all of these moves do? Well, they inject some much needed athleticism for one. George Hill is essentially the anti-Isaiah: plays good D, hits open 3s, and is completely milquetoast. I assume they view Jordan Clarkson as an upgrade over Dwyane Wade, which, at this point in their careers, he is, but if LeBron was frustrated with Isaiah how will he not get frustrated at taller Isaiah? Dumping D-Rose and Jae Crowder are additions by subtraction, and Larry Nance and Rodney Hood will probably kill the Celtics in the playoffs. Despite the in-fighting and absolutely terrible play, I never fully committed to believing the Celtics would beat the Cavs, simply because I just assumed LeBron would figure out a way to get to the Finals again. Now I know the Cavs will beat the Celtics, because even getting marginally better than the shitshow they were last night was going to be enough as long as you have LeBron. So not only will they make the Finals now, they might even win a game! Can’t wait for the Wade “I’m Coming Home” video.

Pistons Trade Willie Reed to Chicago for Jameer Nelson

Jameer Nelson is eternal.

Magic Trade Elfrid Payton to Suns for 2nd Rounder

Elfrid Payton STINKS and has stupid hair. Boom, roasted.

Knicks Acquire Emmanuel Mudiay in 3-Team Trade

Remember when Mudiay was a top prospect? Feels like 100 years ago. Guy’s terrible, but the Knicks are gonna Knick. I assume D-Rose will get bought out and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Knicks tried to get him back (please, Wolves, don’t do it! I feel like J.R. telling Jeff Hardy not to jump off a 20-foot ladder onto a table. Think of your roster’s livelihood!). They just live for picking up bad players who are past their prime. Mudiay didn’t even have a prime, that’s how bad he’s been. Doug McDermott sent to Dallas where he can presumably learn how to be a good white NBA player from Dirk. Devin Harris is somehow still in the league and getting traded.

Pistons Trade Brice Johnson to Grizzlies for James Ennis

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Heat Trade Okaro White to Hawks for Luke Babbitt

Damn. This is the one that had the internet buzzing big time when it happened. Luke Babbit, multi-time All Star and future Hall of Famer, traded straight up for Okaro White. Crazy. Yet to be seen how the Heat will adjust to such a ball-dominant player, but trust Erik Spoelstra to figure it out. Don’t be surprised if this pushes the Heat into a top three seed in the East.

That’s pretty much it. Aside from the Cavs completely blowing it up, not a ton of trades, and certainly none involving the elite players. No Tyreke Evans trade, no DeAndre Jordan trade, Lou Williams re-signed. Warriors, Rockets, and Celtics stand pat. LeBron didn’t waive his no-trade clause. The Lakers cleared out cap space to sign LeBron Paul George next year. Gonna be an exciting end of the season, and you can be sure the Cleveland drama is far from over.

What a Beautiful Day!

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So serene

What a day. What a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the crisp winter air is refreshing, and the snow is mostly melted and not a disgusting slushy hellscape. I’m feeling good and flying high. After all, I’m coming off a great weekend. Absolutely nothing went wrong! Everything went my way, right down to the fact that the huge amount of pizza I ordered to comfort my weeping soul celebrate was late. Can’t get much better.

Anyway, I think it’s time I find a new place to live. Preferably one in complete isolation where no one can bother me and no one knows what a strip sack is. Luckily, the cave market is really buyer friendly right now, so I’ve been going through some of the more appealing options. Here’s a few of the good ones:

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What’s the biggest credo among real estate agents? “Location, location, location.” Well, this quaint beachfront property is all about location. Look at that view! Talk about a relaxing escape. Perfect for forgetting about the failures of your football team. Also perfect to get washed away in a high tide. Unfortunately, I’m not that depressed, so being able to avoid drowning is a big plus for me. Plus, since it’s right on the beach, you never know who can just show up at your cave. Part of being a good hermit is the ability to avoid people at all costs. For these two reasons, I’m out.

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A cave in the middle of the desert, what’s not to like? No neighbors, no cold, no life in any direction. Well, except the rattlesnakes. And the scorpions. And whatever genies live deep within the bowels of this cavern. I don’t know much in this world, but I do know cursed deserts are real and very mysterious. You ever played Uncharted 3? Yeah, then you know. I’m not looking to get lost for all eternity or anger a dark spirit of the sands or have to fight the Scorpion King. No thanks.

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Another intriguing option, this ice cave is in the perfect neighborhood to avoid human contact. People hate the cold, so why would they come here? I’m from Vermont, so as much as I’ll complain about it, cold is in my blood. I thrive in cold. Plus, in every ice cave there’s a 50% of finding either Articuno or the Fortress of Solitude. You also have a 50% of falling into an icy crevasse never to be seen again. Plus, there’s not a lot of food or shelter in an ice cave. Probably can’t go to the store and get a couple boxes of Cheez-Its for the weekend if you live in the arctic. Icy tundras are also where the Elder Gods tend to rest, awaiting the planetary alignment that will signal their awakening after ten thousand years of slumber. I don’t want to risk being there when that happens. Think I’m gonna have to pass.

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Now we’re getting into the best of the best. This Precambrian era rock formation offers all the comfort of yesteryear with the amenities of today. Being on a mountainside offers natural protection from the elements and bothersome passersby, and offers scenic views of the surrounding area. Good chance there’s some friendly mountain troll neighbors, too. Unfortunately, being hard to get to means that it’ll be hard to get all my stuff there, too. I mean, I don’t really know how long I’ll be in this cave. Books can only last me so long. I need TV, PlayStation, Nintendo Switch, and an internet router. Might be tough to set up so high above sea level.

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We’ve almost got a winner. This cave in the middle of the rainforest offers breathtaking views, floral and faunal diversity, and friendly natives who keep everyone else away. Unfortunately for me, those same natives have probably booby-trapped the hell out of this cave. Sure I might find priceless treasures and powerful artifacts, but one wrong step and I’m skewered on a wooden spike or poisoned by a million darts. It’d be perfect if it weren’t for the fact that I have zero chance of getting out alive. I’m also not too keen on being shredded alive by a giant predator time forgot or a tribal god seeking human sacrifice.

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I think I’ve found the one! Just like the rainforest cave, this little number has great views and great animal neighbors. Unlike the rainforest, this regular forest is peaceful and uninhabited. The only possible drawback is the small chance that this is in a haunted forest. But I can deal with ghosts. I just won’t go out at night and listen to music or white noise or something while I sleep to drown out the cries and moans of the tortured phantoms that share my forest home. You might think that the dense growth of trees may effect wifi strength, which may be true, but I figure it would only be a matter of time until half the trees are cut down to put a cellphone tower near me. There’s really no downside. There’s probably also a highway pretty close by, so once I find out the Internet has moved on from making fun of the Patriots I can rejoin society. Can’t wait to move!

Super Bowl 52 Preview

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Here we are. The Big Game. The one for all the marbles. The Super Bowl. It’s been a long road to get here, but finally the culmination of this NFL season is on the horizon. Patriots versus Eagles. A month and a half ago, this seemed like the obvious, preordained matchup. Now, one team is playing with house money and the other trying to add to an already unassailable legacy. Barring a noteworthy loss, this is almost a no-lose scenario for both. If the Eagles lose, what, was Nick Foles really supposed to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl? If the Pats lose it sucks, but they’ve already won five. Are they suddenly failures now? Maybe these seemingly low stakes are why it’s been such a quiet two weeks. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be a great game. After all, it is the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Philadelphia Eagles vs. New England Patriots (-4.5)

I’ll be honest- this line is too high. I’m not the first to say it, but it really should be 3. In my mind, this is just a mirror image of the AFC Championship game. The Eagles have one of the three best defenses in the NFL, an explosive defensive line, and a competent offense. They have more weapons than the Jags, and Nick Foles is proof that pretty much any NFL QB can be good if they’re in the right system (maybe the NFL doesn’t have a quarterback problem, but a coach problem?). Considering the way they just dispatched of the Vikings, who have an objectively superior defense to the Pats, it would be foolish to completely dismiss Foles and the Eagles’ offense. But that’s the thing: the Pats aren’t the Vikings. The second the Eagles took the lead, the Vikings quit because they knew it was over. The Pats don’t start trying until they’re down two scores. You can throw out all the numbers you want, but this is pretty simple- the Eagles aren’t going to blow the Pats out, so if the game is on the line, who do you trust? The backup QB who may have had a legitimate out-of-body experience last week and a second year head coach straight off the Andy Reid coaching tree or Brady and Belichick? Actually, here’s a few numbers for you: first is the widely circulated (too widely circulated?) stat that Brady has never lost a playoff game to a team they didn’t play in the regular season. 15-0. Pats and Eagles did not play in the regular season. Second, here’s one I made up myself- Brady has lost one (1) playoff game to a team that did not already have a Super Bowl win when he became the starter in 2001. That one? The flukiest of a fluke losses to the Jets after the 2010 season. This Eagles team is waaaaaay better than the Jets, which means they won’t sneak up on the Pats, and they have enough Loser DNA to keep them down. 4.5 seems like too many points, and it probably is, but, in instances like this, I think the best advice you can give is only take the underdog if you think they can win. I think I said this last year, but close your eyes and try to imagine a future in which the Philadelphia Eagles, lead by Nicholas E. Foles, actually beat the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. If you can, you have a better imagination than I do. Tom Brady’s son better pucker up, because daddy’s winning number 6.

Pick: Pats -4.5

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BONUS PROP BETS

  • National Anthem: Over 2:00 -200
  • Coin Toss: Heads -105
  • P!nk’s Hair Color: Green +400
  • How Many Times Will Tom Brady’s Age Be Mentioned: Over 1.5 -350
  • How Many Time Will Carson Wentz Be Mentioned: Over 3.5 -250
  • What Color Liquid: Clear/Water +400
  • Higher- Pats’ Total Points or Kyrie Irving Points+Assists vs. Blazers: Kyrie (assuming he plays) -230
  • MVP: Tom Brady -110
  • First Mention in MVP Speech: Teammates +200

The Eagles Being Obsessed with LeBron vs. MJ Has Me More Confident in the Patriots than Ever

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source– The Philadelphia Eagles watch tape and look at statistics. They check for tendencies, scout the advanced numbers, see how things change when the fourth quarter comes around. And they do it all in order to prepare for … near-daily locker-room arguments about LeBron James and Michael Jordan.

“Heated. Heated, every single time,” said wide receiver Torrey Smith. “We come with stats. This is not just barbershop talk—I have looked up statistics plenty of times. The numbers favor my argument—he’s better in every single category except points per game. LeBron makes his teammates better, he plays on worse teams, and obviously he’s made it to a lot of Finals, even if he doesn’t win them all.”

When I visited the Eagles locker room during the regular season, I saw the arguments in action. I asked if the Eagles argued about hoops often, and I was told no—they just argue about Jordan vs. LeBron, nearly every day. As James continues to contend for MVPs and NBA titles well into his 30s, the debate has developed into an international hot topic. Prince Harry discussed it with Barack Obama—who is on Jordan’s side, though that may have something to do with his Chicago sports fandom. Pretty much every player in the NBA, past or present, has weighed in by now. NFL locker rooms are fairly boring places, but I have not seen a non-football argument as intense and involved as this one.

Alright, I keep saying it, but the buildup to this Super Bowl has been capital b Boring. I’m searching high and low for anything at all to talk about. I’m leaving no stone unturned and working my fingers to the bone trying to find an NFL storyline. Yeah, I could talk Alex Smith, but who cares? (On the surface it’s a fine, intermediary move for a solid QB, but signing him to 4 years $71 million guaranteed is a startlingly bad decision) All I want to do is discuss the greatness of the Patriots, but there’s just nothing new. I was about to just write “Why Tom Brady Should Win MVP, part 2.” But then this story came to my attention, and I might as well just start typing up the celebratory “Pats Win the Super Bowl Yet Again,” because there’s NO CHANCE the Patriots are going to lose to a team so concerned with debating MJ-LeBron.

Here’s where all the football purists and old school talking heads are nodding in agreement. “Yes, no one can win if you aren’t taking football 100% seriously 100% of the time. No distractions allowed.” That’s not what I’m saying. It’s good for players to have outside interests; conversations like this can build camaraderie and don’t affect practicing at all (although it’s not a coincidence you never hear about Pats’ players getting into these debates, hmmmmm). The real reason I’d be shaking in my boots if I was an Eagles’ fan is the fact that they’re still debating Mj vs. LeBron! That’s a 2016-17 argument. No one cares anymore, or, more specifically, no one cares in the months outside of May-July. The Patriots are at the forefront of the NFL. Every cutting edge scheme, every revolutionary strategy, the Pats not only have it mastered but they’ve mastered how to counteract it. And they’re playing a team who’s main concern is a debate from 8 months ago? Yikes. The Pats are all about the future and going forward. The Eagles are stuck in the past. Progress stops for no man, folks, and it would seem the Patriots are clearly going to be on the right side of history. I wonder when the Eagles will start asking how many holes a straw has. Next training camp? Maybe not until preseason. By then the Pats will have set their sights on number 7. It really just sums up the difference between the two franchises. What else can you expect out of a team from Philadelphia, though? Always five steps behind.

2017 NFL Awards

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It’s tradition that after every NFL season, independent bloggers all across the country (and I guess some in other countries, but why on earth would you ever want to care about football if you don’t live in America?) submit their own incredibly valued thoughts on who should win the various awards. The rules of casually writing about sports dictate that I make my picks before the NFL Awards Show on Saturday night lest I risk expulsion from this powerful, rich, and diverse community, so my hands are tied. I’ve got no choice but to post this. I was going to wait until Friday, but this Super Bowl buildup has been so boring I just decided to do it today. I suppose boring is better than another fabricated cheating scandal the league creates for the sole purpose of taking away Patriots draft picks and ruining their reputation (please keep telling me the NFL is rigging games for them, pleeeeeeeeeeeasssssee keep telling me that), but it’s still been boring as hell. There hasn’t even been any minor trash talk. I’m almost wishing the Pats had lost so Jalen Ramsey could provide some entertainment. Guess I’ll have to make my own entertainment by handing out the Brian’s Den NFL Awards.

I always hate when leagues postpone the awards so long after the regular season ends. I’ve pretty much already forgotten everything that happened this season already! Did anyone but the Pats and Eagles actually play a game? I assume the Browns were terrible, but that could be any year. Stop trying to make sports award shows a thing and just hand them out before the Wild Card round so we can be done with them. Forcing me to watch (just kidding, I won’t watch. Probably) another long, terrible awards show just to find out Aaron Donald is good is cruel and unusual punishment. Anyway, since I don’t remember this season anymore, this is all just straight from the gut. Luckily, my gut is never wrong.

Offensive Rookie of the Year- Alvin Kamara, New Orleans Saints

Kareem Hunt is also an acceptable answer, seeing as how leading the league in rushing as a rookie is typically considered to be a good thing, but, factoring in kick return yardage, Kamara actually had more all-purpose yards and more total touchdowns than Hunt. He’s also one of the rare players that actually make football fun again. He’s a freak athlete that can take it to the house in literally any situation, and, seeing as how he had over 100 fewer touches than Hunt, I’d be willing to bet Kamara will be the one we still talk about five years from now. Kamara had a special, special season and is one of the reasons Drew Brees fought off Father Time for another year.

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Defensive Rookie of the Year- Marshon Lattimore, New Orleans Saints

Decent draft for the Saints I guess. This is honestly the only award with more than one legitimate candidate, and if you ask me tomorrow I’ll say there’s no question Tre’Davious White is the clear DROY. Cornerback play is so difficult to judge, and the fact that two rookies consistently ranked in the top five on PFF’s positional rankings all year tells you all you need to know. Lattimore gets the edge because, without actually doing any research (what, you think I’m a professional or something?), I’m going to say he had to face a tougher schedule of wide receivers. And he plays for a real franchise.

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Coach of the Year- Sean McVay, Los Angeles Rams

There’s no one that disagrees with this, right?

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Comeback Player of the Year- Keenan Allen, Los Angeles Chargers

I’ve always been a Keenan Allen guy, so I was quite happy to see him stay healthy for a full season for once. The guy’s just money. He’s always had the talent and is always productive when he’s actually healthy, he’s just had the worst luck of all time. People forget how good he really is (I know everyone knows he’s good, it’s called building a straw man to prove a point. Read a book about sports debating one time). And now you can’t call me a homer because I could have easily just picked Gronk.

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Defensive Player of the Year- Aaron Donald, Los Angeles Rams

You can keep your Harrison Smiths and your Calais Campbells, I’ll take one of the five greatest defensive players of all time who may or may not have reached his prime yet.

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Most Valuable Player and Offensive Player of the Year- Tom Brady, New England Patriots

It always felt asinine to me when different people won MVP and offensive player of the year. With the notable exceptions of Alan Page, Lawrence Taylor, and Mark Mosely, every MVP has played offense. So how can someone be recognized as being the best and most valuable player in the league but not be the best offensive player in the league? How does that make sense? Trick question- it doesn’t. So, assuming my pick plays offense, my MVP and OPOY will be the same person. I love Aaron Donald. As I said, he’s one of the five greatest defensive players ever. He’s not MVP. So that leaves the offensive frontrunners, so let’s go process of elimination. Antonio Brown is the best receiver in the league by a wide margin. You put him on the Browns and they still win precisely 0 games. Todd Gurley is a special player who had an awesome season. If you think he’s more valuable to his team than the top QBs you’re an idiot. Quarterback is the most important position in the NFL, and probably all of sports. Period. A great QB is worth more than virtually the entire rest of the roster put together. Yes, going from Jeff Fisher to McVay was a massive coaching upgrade that helped every offensive player, but do you think it was a coincidence that Gurley was terrible last year and good this year, mirroring the development of quarterback Jared Goff? I think not. A quarterback should pretty much always win MVP, regardless of how much you dislike him. So, all that remains are Tom Brady and Carson Wentz, who, despite missing the last three and a half games of the season, is still generating MVP buzz and was talked about as a lock before the injury. I know the playoffs shouldn’t factor in and that the voting already happened, but holding the awards after the playoffs happen mean that, you know, everyone sees the playoffs, so they factor in. And it completely locks up both awards for Brady. Down 10 in the fourth quarter against the best defense in the league without Gronk, Edelman, or any semblance of a run game, Tom Brady singlehandedly beat the Jaguars. It was literally 100% Brady. The Eagles completely dominated the second best team in the NFC without the supposed league MVP. Nick Foles played one of the great games by a quarterback this season. You know how many people can do Brady’s job? At age 40? You know how many other QBs would have won last Sunday under those circumstances? None. Zero. Not one other player in the NFL can do what Brady does. Apparently just about anyone can do enough of what Carson Wentz does to win games by a million. And people are asking who’s more valuable? I get people hate him and are upset that he’s still the best player in the league, but Brady is still the best player in the league. And because everyone’s got such an axe to grind with the Pats, he’s got two MVPs. Think about that. The best quarterback of all time, on the precipice of a completely unprecedented sixth Super Bowl win, has won two MVPs. We should be embarrassed at that. The country as a whole is so bitter and so desperate to get the Pats out of the way that we let Matt Ryan win an MVP. We let Peyton Manning win a thousand MVPs before losing in the first round every year. We give Aaron Rodgers MVP love like it’s going out of style, and the only team that he ever did anything with was probably his worst. Tom Brady has failed to win ten games in a season twice in his career, the most recent time happening in 2008. When he threw 11 passes before blowing out his knee. He’s missed the playoffs one time in a year where he started every game. One. Time. He’s top five in every meaningful passing stat. He’s arguably the most clutch athlete to ever live. He’s never had anything resembling a disappointing season and is always the best player on the best team. And he has two MVP awards because everyone is jealous of the fact that the Patriots have figured out a way to stay excellent in an era meant to prevent such dynasties from forming. Think about that for a second. You, yes, you reading this right now, have let your blind, irrational rage prevent you from enjoying a remarkable career that will certainly never happen again. You let your ravenous desire for new blood in the AFC control your mind, and now you believe that a league that lead one of the most egregious witch hunts in the history of mankind against a shining example of integrity, perseverance, competitiveness, and work ethic is now rigging games to have that same man succeed. Think about the fact that, after Sunday, Tom Brady will have played in the Super Bowl more often than Drew Brees has made the playoffs. Think about the fact that the greatest player in NFL history has two MVPs. I hope you’re ashamed of yourself. Because I certainly am.

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UConn Men’s Basketball Being Investigated for Potential Recruiting Violations

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ESPN– The University of Connecticut is the target of an NCAA investigation into its men’s basketball program.

University President Susan Herbst said in a statement Friday that the school will cooperate in a “thorough and transparent manner reflective of the model athletic and academic institution we continually strive to be.”

The university didn’t specify the allegations and said it would have no further comment, but would “address and respond appropriately as the inquiry moves forward.”

Hearst Connecticut Media, which first reported the investigation, cited unidentified sources saying the inquiry was related to recruiting.

Letttt’sssssssssssss goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! I know I should react differently to my alma mater getting dragged into a potentially serious recruiting scandal, but I can’t help it. I guarantee this is just another case of a player taking a bunch of money. Oh no, not that! How can I possibly live with the moral implications of supporting a team that pays the players that produce millions of dollars of revenue for the school? I’d never recover.

Listen, theoretically, cheating is bad. I don’t really care, personally, and literally every single college basketball and football team that’s worth anything gives the top level recruits bags of unmarked bills, but hey, if you want to feel good about yourself you can say cheating is bad. You know what’s definitely bad? Being barely over .500 in the American Conference and, barring some miracle, missing the NCAA Tournament two out of the last three years. Kevin Ollie SUCKS. His “offense” is grade-school level at best. No UConn player has actually gotten better in their time in Storrs since Shabazz Napier, who, you know, wasn’t coached by Ollie until his senior season. His excuse for every loss is that the team isn’t “tough enough.” He never takes responsibility for his terrible game-planning and in-game “strategy,” despite the fact that he’s the coach and it’s his job to put the team in position to win, thus making virtually every loss his fault. And while I understand how many injuries there have been this season and the limitations being stuck in the AAC puts on the recruiting pool, but it’s also his fault the roster is trash. It’s literally 100% his fault UConn basketball sucks, which it never should. Which is why this potential scandal pumps me up. I’ve seen that the state of Connecticut doesn’t really want to pay his buyout and another coach at the same time. Well, virtually every big time university puts in some kind of “rules violation clause” that allows them to dump a coach caught up in something like this, so we just have to keep our fingers crossed that whatever happened happened under his watch. I don’t even care who the replacement coach is, because any organism capable of independent thought would be an upgrade. A scandal like this also gets UConn’s name back out there. The R.J. Barretts and Zion Williamsons of the world aren’t thinking about a mediocre team in a mediocre conference with a mediocre roster with a less than mediocre coach. But when it’s confirmed that you get paid to play there? Now we’re talking. Now there’s some intrigue. Now they’re thinking, “well, I used to question why I would spend my one year in college on a remote campus in the middle of Connecticut that’s surrounded by farmland and becomes a giant wind tunnel in the winter, but now that they’ve given me $100,000 and a new car, I’m sold!” One and done guys don’t care about getting caught, and nor should they. Once the penalties have run their course, this little scandal can only help UConn return to relevancy. So please, NCAA, do your worst.

2018 NBA All Star Reserves

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First off, I’d like to make it known that I am battling what appears to be the onset of a pretty nasty cold/flu, so it’s courageous that I’m even writing this at all. It’s true that not all heroes wear capes, because I’m certainly not sporting anything resembling one. Whatever- as we all know, pain is just weakness leaving the body. Better to get this sickness out of the way now so I come out of the woods stronger for the Super Bowl and All Star Weekend. Speaking of All Star Weekend, after last Thursday’s All Star starter revelation, the reserves are being announced tonight. I made my starter picks on Thursday as well, and keen-eyed readers will notice that I did not, in fact, get them 100% correct. I’m not too beat up about it since, in my mind, Embiid and Cousins were locks to make the team, anyway. So as long as my two guys still make it, the NBA can consider it water under the bridge. But, in the immortal words of Stephen A. Smith, you don’t want to make an enemy out of me. Put in Horford and Towns or else! Anyway, here are the only legitimate selections for the All Star reserves in 2017-18.

East

  • Victor Oladipo, Indiana Pacers– I imagine he’s got Most Improved locked up already, and well deserved. He’s singlehandedly made the Pacers decent (which, depending on your point of view, could actually be a bad thing), and could easily have been named a starter. He’s a stone cold lock.
  • Kyle Lowry, Toronto Raptors– I get that no one takes the Human Peach Emoji or the Raptors seriously, but there’s a reason they have the second best record in the conference. Yes, DeRozan is their best player, but Lowry is just as important. He’s one of the best point guard defenders in the league, knocks down 3s, is a tough rebounder, and just generally makes the team better. I’m not saying they’ll make the Finals or anything, but the 6 deserves two All Stars again.
  • Al Horford, Boston Celtics– Already covered.
  • Kristaps Porzingis, New York Knicks– He’s been iiiicccccccccceee cold lately, but the body of work is still there. Finally freed from the shackles of Carmelo Anthony, Kristaps became the number one option on a team devoid of scoring. His field goal percentage isn’t great, but he’s also the only guy on the team that can even come close to creating their own shot on a regular basis. He also leads the league in blocks and is a 7’3″ person who handles the ball and shoots 3s. Plus, there would be a riot in New York if he wasn’t named.
  • Andre Drummond, Detroit Pistons– I get that the team is terrible, but every East team is terrible so it’s okay. Drummond leads the league in rebounding and brought his free throw shooting from “worst in the history of basketball” to “just plain bad,” which means he can actually play the whole game now. Going back to the rebounding, I feel like everyone is just glossing over the fact that he’s getting 15 a game. 15 a game is pretty darn impressive, and the fact that he has to play with Reggie Jackson shouldn’t be held against him. Also, I don’t know if you knew this, but I went to UConn. At the same time as Drummond. It’s almost like we’re friends.
  • Bradley Beal, Washington Wizards– With John Wall having an injury-plagued and weirdly lethargic season, Beal finally makes his All Star debut after a couple years of being left on the outside looking in. Listen, the Wizards stink and I’m glad they stink, but don’t blame Beal. He’s been filling it up all season and playing better D than he ever has. He’s shooting a bizarrely low percentage from 3 for a guy with one of the three most perfect jumpers in the league, but that can’t keep him out.
  • Ben Simmons, Philadelphia 76ers– If I could name Erik Spoelstra or the Heat’s Miami Vice jerseys to the team, I would. The Heat piecing together a top-4 record on the strength of a bunch of weird lineups and grit is one of the best stories of the year, but I just can’t see them having an All Star. Goran Dragic comes closest, but his numbers aren’t even his career best. So, I decided to give it to Simmons, because why the hell not? It’d be more fun to have another freak athlete generational passer in the game. He’s a rookie averaging 16-8-7. I’d call that pretty decent.

West

  • Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City Thunder– It’s somehow gone under the radar that he’s almost averaging a triple double again this season.
  • Klay Thompson, Golden State Warriors– Second greatest shooter of all time having his best shooting season? Yes please.
  • Karl-Anthony Towns, Minnesota Timberwolves– Already covered.
  • Draymond Green, Golden State Warriors– Yes, all four Warriors make it. That’s what happens when you’re one of the greatest teams of all time. The reigning DPOY should probably win it again this year, and he’s the Warriors best passer. You don’t have to like him, but you have to respect him.
  • LaMarcus Aldridge, San Antonio Spurs– Somehow the Spurs keep on keeping on, and Aldridge turning back into Blazers Aldridge is the biggest non-Pop reason. He’s tying the highest offensive rating of his career and is in the middle of the West’s best defense. Without Kawhi, Aldridge is the annual Spurs representative.
  • Jimmy Butler, Minnesota Timberwolves– I know I was staunchly anti-Jimmy in the offseason, but that was only in regards to the Celtics selling the farm to acquire him. But as long as a different team went all in on him, I like him. And, so far, I’d have to say the Wolves are pretty happy with their investment. He’s just a junkyard dog on both ends of the floor. I think he could play 3 games in one day. He’s changed the proverbial culture in Minnesota.
  • Paul George, Oklahoma City Thunder– Apologies to Damian Lillard, who I genuinely feel bad for. If he was in the East or born five years earlier or later he’d have a million All Star and All NBA appearances, but, alas, he’s stuck being the fifth best guard in the West. He might make the team this year, but I like George. He’s shooting a career high 3 point percentage and, in my opinion, has been the best perimeter defender in the league this season. Aside from his low field goal percentage, PG can claim the prestigious honor of being the only player Russell Westbrook has ever made better.