Folks, it’s the seventh inning and I’m already typing this up. That’s how much the Red Sox have dominated the Dodgers. That’s how much they’ve dominated the entire league all season. The Boston Red Sox are World Champions once again.
The 18-inning loss would have broken most teams. Going down 4-0 the night after losing an 18-inning game would have broken every team. Every team except this Red Sox team. The ate the adversity and spit right back in the Dodgers’ face. Blowout in game 4. Blowout in game 5. One of the most anticlimactic championships I’ve ever experienced. And friends, I’ve experienced a lot of them. Five from the Patriots, four from the Red Sox, one each from the Celtics and Bruins, and two from UConn basketball while I was attending the school. Four if you just factor it all in. Imagine rooting for another group of teams? I can’t.
What a season. What a postseason. So many new Boston legends born in the blink of an eye. Steve Pearce the G.O.A.T. David Price bashed the haters’ brains in. I would die for Joe Kelly, Ryan Brasier, and Nate Eovaldi. Brock Holt might be the most reliable player on the team. If you told me how many future MVP Raffy Devers would win I wouldn’t believe anything under six. Mitch Moreland singlehandedly saved the season. No one will remember how much Mookie and J.D. sucked at the end since they both went deep and now we can just think of them as two of the top three MVP vote getters. Every time I think of Chris Sale’s speech I’m ready to run through the thickest brick wall ever constructed. If 2004 and 2013 never happened, this would be my favorite baseball team ever.
The only question that should be on anyone’s lips is this- Are the 2018 Boston Red Sox the best team of all time? 108 wins. 11-3 in the postseason against two 100-win teams and the loaded Dodgers. Second-most total wins by a title winner ever. Best offense, best defense, and apparently best pitching in the league. I’d put them against anyone in history. Maybe I’m just caught up in the hype. Although, after all these rings, the winning doesn’t feel quite as special as it used to and the losing feels worse. Good thing I don’t do much losing.
I’m going to keep this brief since I’m courageously battling a cold/flu hybrid and staying up until 3:30 surprisingly didn’t help, but last night Nathan Eovaldi submitted a classic Forgotten Playoff Moments game, and I refuse to let him fade into obscurity.
Now, assuming the Red Sox still win the World Series, the likelihood of of him going the way of Chase Utley in 09 are reduced. But the fact that he was the losing pitcher in the longest playoff game ever doesn’t help things. Eovaldi dominated this game. As much as Walker Buehler (remember him?) owned the Sox, Eovaldi owned the Dodgers. 6 innings, one earned run, five strikeouts out of the bullpen when he’d pitched both games before? That should be legendary. Instead, he’ll just be a trivia answer.
Eovaldi put his nuts on the table and dared anyone to do something about it. Eventually, attrition won out. But those twelve hours in between when he entered and when the game ended? It should go down in playoff lore. It was one of the best pitching performances these eyes have ever seen. It reduced Rick Porcello to tears, for crying out loud! This game could have ended a million times before it actually did, but Eovaldi did all any person could have done to keep it going. When he was on the Yankees, I hated Eovaldi passionately. My least favorite player since Joba Chamberlain. I thought he sucked and was grossly overhyped. Now? I would die for him. That’s what playoff baseball does.
Welcome to this edition of Tales from the Brian’s Den. This week is extra spooky, and, with Halloween only a few days away, many of these will have you questioning whether or not it’s worth it to go trick or treating. You never know what horrors await you outside your door. Then again, what horrors await you inside your door? Brock Osweiler already snuck into your home and played a night game, what could be coming once the dark magic is really in the air? That’s for you to find out, if you dare. Muahahahahahahaha. Happy Halloween, mortals.
Plz press play:
Philadelphia Eagles (-3.5) vs Jacksonville Jaguars in London
You hear Big Ben clang somewhere behind you. Midnight. Standing outside on this cold, foggy London night you wonder what reason your friend could possibly have for calling you at this late hour. You already banged the ornate knocker against the heavy door once, and are tempted to do so again. The fog has started playing tricks on your mind, and you’re sure you saw something scurry behind you on the cobblestone streets. You wish he’d answer the door soon. Finally, the door inches open.
“Come in, come in,” your friend says. “I’ve got to show you something I’ve been working on.”
Your friend is a scientist, and one that’s been condemned by the community for his….unorthodox experiments. The last time he called over this urgently, you had nightmares for three weeks. The house is strangely empty as you walk through.
“Where are the servants?” you ask.
No answer. You walk passed the drawing room, where you see broken chairs, overturned candles, and multiple bumps on the ground that could be bodies…
“What’s going on?” you ask. Still no answer.
Your friend opens the door to his lab. There are deeps gashes on the wall and broken glass on the floor. He runs to a small table and picks up a vial of glowing teal liquid.
“This is it,” he exclaims. “I’ve finally perfected my serum. The Order will have no choice but to accept me.”
“What is that?”
He downs the concoction and throws the vial to the ground, shattering it. He clutches his stomach in agony and his skin starts to churn. Concerned, you take a step forward, hoping to help in some way. When your friend rises, you’re frozen to the spot. He’s transformed. Blake Bortles now stands before you. The scream never leaves your throat.
Pick: Jags
Seattle Seahawks at Detroit Lions (-3.5)
I still remember the time the 2010 Ford Focus went crazy and started killing people left and right. Most people don’t believe it. After all, a car going on a killing spree is pretty hard to believe. I can’t say I know how it happened, but I just know it did. The papers blamed it on gang violence. Please. I saw that car. I saw the murderous intent in its headlights. No one was driving it, either. I saw it pin a woman against a brick wall and keep ramming her until she was broken in half. Then it ran over another man’s head. That car was evil, and it wasn’t until Aaron Rodgers’ Hail Mary against the Lions that its spirit was finally broken. That car was Detroit to the end.
Pick: Lions
Washington Redskins (-1) at New York Giants
*The insensitive and offensive story regarding Native American culture has been removed*
Pick: Redskins
Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs (-10)
Vance Joseph woke up in a cold sweat. Panting, he checked the clock. 3:17 am.
“Same dream, honey?” his wife asked, awoken by his screaming.
“Yeah,” he said. Same dream every night. It didn’t help that the media couldn’t stop talking about it. The Kansas City Slasher was on the lose, and he’s coming for you! Vance thought it was all a little overblown, but couldn’t help be a little worried. Rumor had it the Slasher loved claiming defensive minded football coaches as his victims.
“I need a glass of water,” Vance said, getting up. His wife said something, but he couldn’t make it out. He was still replaying the dream- the Slasher standing over his bed holding a knife.
He grabbed a glass and turned on the sink. He always thought his kitchen was a little too big, but he wouldn’t dare tell his wife. She loved hosting parties. He put his glass down and splashed some water on his face, hoping he could still get a few hours of sleep before going into the office. Suddenly, he heard movement behind him. Spinning around, he was face to face with another man.
“Hey, coach,” an absurdly gravelly voice said.
“Pat?” Vance asked, subtilely searching for a weapon with his hand. “You alright? Need me to call Andy?”
“Looking for this?” he asked, holding a large kitchen knife.
“Pat, listen, you don’t have-”
“I heard you thought you could stop us. That you thought you could stop Showtime.”
“I never said that, and you know it.”
“I wonder who they’ll replace you with,” Pat said. “Think Elway will step in? I think I’d like that.”
“Pat, wait,” Vance said as Pat inched closer. “Pat! Pat!”
Pick: Chiefs
Baltimore Ravens (-2) at Carolina Panthers
October 24, 1924
Our Amazon journey trudges on. I’m starting to think this quest to find the lost city of Passinterferencia is for naught. Still, our leader Flacco insists we keep going. He’s completely obsessed, and I worry he’ll sacrifice our entire party to satisfy his curiosity. I’m regretting leaving home.
October 25, 1924
Flacco has begun claiming he once lived in Passinterferencia. That his friend Lombardi is still there. He thinks this will be taken as proof enough that it exists. I take it proof he’s gone mad. I’m trying to take control of this expedition before all is lost.
October 27, 1924
After convincing the party to turn back, I fear I may have gotten us lost. Our guide, a native we picked up from a nearby village, is manic with fear. Apparently we’re approaching the cursed den of some ancient beast. I worry I may be the only one of us left to have kept his head.
October 28, 1924
Everyone is dead. Both my legs are gone, and I know I don’t have much time left before that creature comes to finish me off. The very gates of hell opened and spit out a massive, black, cat-like demon who started massacring our party. After every kill, it would taunt the remaining men by dabbing on us or miming ripping a shirt open as if to reveal a superhero outfit. Our guide was the only one spared, and he cursed me as he left, traumatized. This trip was a disaster. I doubt any soul will ever read this, but if you do- RUN AWAY!
Pick: Panthers
Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers (-8)
The Brown bloodline never stood a chance. That’s what Baker kept hearing growing up. As the last of the noble family, Baker was warned again and again to stay away from Pittsburgh. That everyone in his family was ripped apart by the metal monster that only has a taste for Browns. Well, Baker wanted to put that to the test. He packed his bag, remembering to grab his six-shooter, and hopped on I-76. He was going to kill this creature and avenge his family. Well, that’s what he said, anyway. I haven’t heard from him in three weeks.
Pick: Steelers
New York Jets at Chicago Bears (-7.5)
I’m sure none of you will believe me. You’ll just say I’m crazy. But I know what was written in that book, and I know what happened when I read those cursed words aloud.
I had been tracking the ancient tome for years. There was only one surviving copy, and the legends about it were as old as time itself. I only wanted it for the rarity. I was going to sell it again for massive profit. But when I took the book from the haggard old woman, my curiosity got the best of me. I had to read Monsters of the Midwaye Moste Evile.
I knew I had to try one of the spells. I had to see if the summonings worked. I gathered the required ingredients, drew the magic circle, lit the candles, and said the incantations. I figured nothing would happen. I’m sure the press said nothing happened. But I saw those spirits appear. I saw the murderous look in their eyes. I heard what they said.
“We’re hear to kill promising young QBs,” they kept repeating. Next thing I knew, they were gone. And Sam Darnold was dead. And no one suspected me in the slightest.
Pick: Bears
Tampa Bay Bucs at Cincinnati Bengals (-4.5)
Jameis couldn’t believe it. Pirate zombies. What a preposterous outbreak. While being quarterback of the Buccaneers gave him a small modicum of protection, he was still hiding. They had already killed a few of his teammates. Gripping the shotgun he had lifted purchased from Publix, he looked out the window. Nothing was stopping the slow, ambling march of the walking eye-patched corpses.
He heard glass break in another room. Panicking, he ran over. He was suddenly face to face with patient zero of the outbreak. The Captain, they were calling him. He had a huge beard, a tricorn hat, a baggy white shirt, and a crimson frock coat. An undead parrot was perched on his shoulder.
“He went to Harvard!” it squawked.
Jameis fired. Half the zombie’s body disintegrated, but it kept walking towards him.
“Ye can’t kill me, Jameis,” it said sadly. “Ye can never kill me.”
Jameis turned and ran as the Captain’s body regenerated.
Pick: Bucs
Indianapolis Colts (-3) at Oakland Raiders
“Step right up, my man,” the mysterious peddler said. “Take a gander at my wares. You won’t find rarer.”
The shop had popped up overnight about a week ago, and soon everyone in town was raving about it. Rare curiosities that happened to be exactly what everyone needed, all for no charge! One woman got a future Hall of Fame defensive end, one old man got the overhyped receiver he’d been craving. You had to check it out for yourself. No harm in looking, after all.
The store didn’t even have a name, but the owner certainly had a distinctive look. Barrel chested with a blond bowl cut, the man shook your hand vigorously as soon as you opened the door.
“Take a look at this one, man,” he said, holding up a mascara-eyed quarterback. “I like to call this guy the Sheriff, because he’s always in command out there.”
You pass. You need many things, but a QB who is hated in his own locker room isn’t one of them.
“No? Alright, how about this little guy,” it’s a safety that was drafted in the first round who hasn’t really done anything in the league. “I’ll tell you what, man, this guy here’s a real grinder.”
You pass again. You think it’s about time to leave this shop, because you’re starting to get an uneasy feeling. Something about this place seems off.
“Alright, man, I think I know exactly what you need,” he rummaged behind the counter and pulled out a bucket of Hooters’ wings and Coronas. “This right here, man. This is perfect for all your football watching needs.”
Without hesitating, you reach out and grab the bucket. You feel a shock, and the shopkeeper gets a devilish look in his eye.
“It’s yours, man. Free of charge.”
“Really?” you ask. “All of this for free?”
“Well, it doesn’t cost money,” he said with a laugh before ushering you out the door. “I’ll see you soon, man.”
You don’t know what he meant by that, but who cares? You got exactly what you needed.
Pick: Raiders
San Francisco 49ers (-1) at Arizona Cardinals
Just seeing this matchup was by far the scariest thing I’ve ever read.
Green Bay Packers at Los Angeles Rams (-9)
The meeting is in 15 minutes. Your lunch with your producer friend ran long, and all that time you had put aside to get from Nobu to the San Fernando Valley was dried up. Luckily, you just purchased one of the new self-driving smart cars everyone was raving about.
“Welcome, brah,” it would say every time the engine started. “You are currently 200 feet from In-N-Out. Would you like to swing through for a couple Double-Doubles?”
“No thanks, Tanner,” you said. “I’m in a hurry and need to get to my meeting with Rodrigo.”
“I gotchu, brah. Would you like to take the 412 up to Santa Monica or the 317 towards Culver City?”
“Just get me there ASAP, Tanner.”
“Right on.”
You zone out. These new cars are really amazing. They detect everything around them, and are undoubtedly better at driving than you ever were. Sure, it cost two years’ salary to buy, but it was worth it, especially if you were seen getting out of one.
This meeting is huge, you think. The script you’ve been developing could change your career forever. All those B-horror movies could finally lead to the big, prestigious films you’ve been dying to make. Rodrigo could make it all happen, but he hates tardiness.
You realize the car has stopped, and you look at the clock. Still three minutes to go, you’re in the clear! But when you look out the window, all you see are cars.
“Tanner, where are we?” you ask in a full panic.
“Sorry, brah, I might have miscalculated a bit. We’re on the 405 right now. Think we’re gonna be stuck here a while.”
The 405. In rush hour. On the one day you needed to be somewhere.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” you scream. But it’s lost under the sound of thousands of horns.
Pick: Rams
New Orleans Saints at Minnesota Vikings (Pick)
The snow was unbearable. Drew could handle the cold and the wind, but walking through the snow was the worst part.
He had managed to survive alone for two weeks after his hiking party was attacked by strange purple monsters. His friends Alvin, Mark, and Michael were slaughtered instantly, and his mentor Sean had died from his wounds soon after. Drew was wondering why he thought a bunch of Southern boys would enjoy a getaway to the frozen fields of Minnesota, but it was too late for regrets, now.
Staying warm was all he was concerned about, but he knew he was being followed, too. The same creatures that attacked the first time had finally found him.
Good, he thought. A fight would keep him warm, and if he died, at least he’d go down swinging. He had been sharpening sticks at night, but was unsure if they would penetrate the thick hides of the beasts. Guess he’d find out soon.
The snap of a branch told him they were upon him. They were vaguely humanoid, but bigger, faster, stronger. They had razor sharp claws and teeth, and had yellow manes. They circled around Drew.
“Alright, let’s do this,” Drew said. “This is for my friends!”
He threw one of the sticks at the nearest monster. He missed. The fight didn’t last long.
Pick: Vikings
New England Patriots (-14) at Buffalo Bills
The little town of Buffalo was quiet this morning. Young Josh went outside, looking for some other kids to play with, only to find the streets deserted.
“Where is everyone?” he asked his mother. She didn’t answer, only wept into a tissue.
“What’s wrong, mommy?” Still no answer.
“I’m sorry, son,” his father said, kneeling down and embracing him. “Tom Brady’s here. And he demands sacrifice.”
His father punched him in the gut, both knocking the wind out of him and knocking him unconscious. He put him into the back seat of his car and drove off towards the stadium, where the malevolent being awaited his yearly tribute.
The fact that Marcus Mariota, the bastion of quarterback lower-mediocrity, had yet to throw a red zone interception in his career to this point is simply preposterous
How confused do you think the good people of London were when the Titans went for two at the end instead of tying the game? Why pass up the chance to get a result, am I right? Because soccer.
Going for two was the right decision, it was just a bad playcall. Chargers are considerably better than the Titans, going to overtime wouldn’t have changed that. Try to steal a win.
Bills-Colts was a football game played under NFL regulations. This is a fact.
Nathan Peterman warming up and not coming in is a crime against humanity.
Stafford went 18/22 and Kerryon Johnson had 158 yards? I said this in my picks, but if you’re the Dolphins how can you let a bunch of carpetbaggers from icy Detroit come into South Beach and dominate. What would Pitbull think?
So, like, are we sure the Eagles are still good? Are we positive Carson Wentz is the future of professional athletics?
Games like this are why I’ll always give Cam and the Panthers the benefit of the doubt. They’re just mentally tougher than 99% of the league. Unless there’s a lose ball with the Super Bowl on the line.
It seems bad that the Super Bowl champions lost a game when this was tweeted out:
But, hey, the Eagles are having fun out there! That’s all that really matters, right Lane Johnson?
Speaking of teams that are definitely having fun, how about your AFC runners-up, the Jacksonville Jaguars? They’re definitely breaking through this year, I can feel it!
Jags D will get a lot of heat because they keep getting blown out, they should be one of the best units in the NFL, and they all hate each other and love talking about it, but this really wasn’t their fault. Holding a team to 20 points should be enough for a supposedly good team to win in 2018.
Jets are continuing an encouraging trend of teams wearing their Color Rush jerseys on days other than Thursday.Surprisingly, this lead to a blowout loss, not a win. I don’t get it, either.
Sam Darnold stinks again. It’s almost as if rookie QBs go through ups and downs, or something.
Adam Thielen’s just the best receiver in the league now
Adam Thielen becomes the 1st player in NFL history (Super Bowl era) to record 7-straight games of 100+ receiving yards to start a season. Thielen now has 9 receptions for 110 yards and 1 TD on the day.
No one gets there earlier, leaves later, or has a coach-ier father.
This might be a storyline I’ve created in my mind, but people are sleeping on the Vikings because they stumbled out of the gate. They’re the second best team in the NFC.
One of these days, Joe Flacco’s gonna run a route on one of these Lamar Jackson plays.
Call me crazy, but wouldn’t it make more sense to, you know, take Flacco out of the game if you’re putting Lamar in? Wouldn’t you rather have another skill guy or another blocker or another anything over Flacco just standing on the side? What’s the point? To set up that trick play you’ve been waiting for? Flacco gives so little effort on these things that the second he exerts himself even a little the defense will know something’s about to happen. Just seems like a big waste of time.
Payback for that kick he “made” against the Pats in 2012 that didn’t actually go in but John Harbaugh bullied the refs into calling good.
When someone tells you Carreras was actually the best of the Three Tenors
Cowboys-Redskins sucked so I’ll give you the CliffsNotes version of every Cowboys division game ever: nothing happened and everyone hated it but it ended with some stupid, fake, overly minute, manufactured controversy that will be debated to no end, proving that the Agenda-Setting Theory is correct (it’s not often I can pull out something from my college education, so savor it).
Redskins 3rd-string tight end is named Jeremy Sprinkle. Making the NFL with the last name Sprinkle is one of the most impressive feats in the history of Western Civilization.
Rams-49ers was the least competitive non-Bills game of the year, but at least the jerseys looked good
Over the last two seasons Gurley has 33 TDs. Julio Jones has 43 career TDs. Can Gurley’s two-season run eclipse Julio’s entire career? I’d say it will by week 12.
Man, what a great Thursday night game between two exciting, innovative teams who are surely to be right in the mix at the end of the season. Can’t believe what a privilege it is to watch two of the greatest offensive minds in the game go head-to-head in a high-stakes chess match. I’ll remember this one for a long time.
Hah! You thought I would devote precious hours of my life to watching Broncos vs. the Arizona Professional Football Team?
On to the real games.
Tennessee Titans vs Los Angeles Chargers (-7)
You know what I hate? “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon. Might be the worst song ever recorded. At the very least the most annoying. Song’s a piece of shit. I’m glad Kid Rock co-opted it for “All Summer Long.” You know what else I hate? Duran Duran. Can’t explain why, but if Van Halen didn’t exist they’d be my least favorite band of all time. Other than that, love England. Got yelled at by a Stonehenge staffer when I went. I was sitting on one of the stones and the guy told me to get off to preserve the ancient monument or something. I know it was just because he didn’t want me absorbing any of the mystic power that courses through the entire area. Too bad for him enough energy had already entered my bloodstream to fundamentally change me and give me supernatural abilities, which I use to correctly pick NFL games, like this one. This game’s in London, if you couldn’t tell, and it’s the first 9:30am game of the year. Couldn’t think of anything else I’d rather wake up to than Marcus Mariota going 9/15 for 108 yards and a pick. Gonna be electric. Still, Chargers stink going East (in my mind, at least), and Wembley is the Easternmost NFL stadium.
Pick: Titans
Buffalo Bills at Indianapolis Colts (-7.5)
Colts shouldn’t be favored by most high school teams by more than 4 points, so I have no idea what the hell this line is. I know it’s the Derek Anderson effect, but still. Bills D is somehow good enough to keep them from getting blown out by fellow bad teams. No game had a high range of watchability: if Peterman was starting, it would have been must watch. Since it’s Anderson? No thanks.
Pick: Bills
New England Patriots (-3) at Chicago Bears
I will pay Khalil Mack a substantial amount of money to sit this game out. Not that I’m worried he’ll ruin the Pats chances of winning, or anything. I just don’t want him anywhere near my 41-year-old QB. Pats by a million either way since the Bears D is highly overrated.
Pick: Pats
Carolina Panthers at Philadelphia Eagles (-5)
LOVE the Panthers. Love ’em. Eagles are coming off a big Thursday win and have a big game against the Jags in London next week. I know they’ve overlooked the Panthers because they’ve convinced themselves they’re back. Unfortunately for them, the rest of the league is not the NFC East. Panthers just shove the ball down your throat and grind out wins. When facing this same strategy earlier in the year, the Titans beat them in OT. The Panthers are better than the Titans.
Pick: Panthers
Detroit Lions (-3) at Miami Dolphins
I don’t like the Lions being favored in Miami. Just doesn’t sit right with me. Detroit and South Beach are as polar as polar opposites can get. Either team is a major fish out of water (pun NOT intended) in the other team’s house. The Lions are used to cold, snow, thick, square pizza, hot dogs with chili and mustard, and automobile factories. You put them in the middle of the 305 and expect them to win by more than 3? The culture shock alone will keep them under 21 points. The second Matt Stafford hears a note of Latin music and his hips start involuntarily moving he won’t know what to do. This has Dolphins blowout written all over it.
Pick: Dolphins
Minnesota Vikings (-3.5) at New York Jets
I’m officially on record saying the Vikings are Back. They just needed to get used to a new QB, sometimes it takes a few weeks. The defense is starting to play like we thought they would, but their run defense has been there all year. The Jets are only good when they can run the ball at will. Not that hard to figure out.
Pick: Vikings
Cleveland Browns at Tampa Bay Bucs (-3.5)
All I know about this game is that there’s going to be 10,000 turnovers, most of them very funny. Because Jameis throws the funniest picks this side of Buffalo and Baker sneaky just throws the ball straight to the other team a lot. Still, the Bucs play defense the same way I go to the gym: we just don’t. The Browns of the past would roll over and die after getting dominated last week. But these are the New Browns, who keep fighting no matter what. These Browns have the ball in the red zone with 30 seconds left, down 27-23. They still lose, though.
Pick: Bucs
Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars (-5)
I grow tired of the Jags. They only play well when they feel the other team is worthy of their effort, and, apparently, the Pats are they only team they’ve given that distinction. Now, they’re not the first team to be completely obsessed with beating the Pats (they may be the last, though. Sigh), but they way they just dismiss every other team in the league and don’t bother showing up 90% of the time annoys me. I can do that. I’ve been there for five titles. I’ve won. The Jags have made two AFC championship games in their history, winning neither, and are acting like million time champs. Don’t become the Wizards of the NFL, guys. I can already tell the team hates each other. Calais Campbell seemingly spends half of every game trying to assuage the various personalities who are upset that someone else on the team isn’t as perfect as they are. Meanwhile, the Texans are kinda, sorta good, now. If they had a competent coach, they might even be actually good. I think the Texans win this handily as the Jags predictable spiral continues.
Pick: Texans
New Orleans Saints at Baltimore Ravens (-2.5)
I think this is the first Ravens game I’m legitimately excited for since the last time they played the Pats in the playoffs. Kind of crazy stat: this is the 23rd season in Ravens history. They’ve finished outside the top ten in total defense seven times, and three of those times were the team’s first three seasons. Thus far, they rank first in total defense and first in points allowed. This would also be the highest they’ve ranked in total yards since Vinny Testaverde was under center. What I’m saying is that the Ravens are the only AFC team I’m scared of in the playoffs and that I wouldn’t be very surprised if they won the Super Bowl. That being said, they can’t enter the playoffs with too many wins. Coming off a shutout victory, this is exactly the kind of game where Flacco looks like the worst person to ever attempt a forward pass and everything goes wrong. Got to throw people off the scent, a little.
Pick: Saints
Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins (-2)
I bet you’re thinking I’m gonna have another snarky comment about the NFL forcing boring-ass NFC East matchups down our throats in national 4:25/prime time spots. I’m offended you would think so low of me. Everyone knows how much I love watching Dak Prescott and Alex Smith!
(The NFL has my family. They’ve threatened to kill them if I say how much I hate NFC East games one more time. I know this is going to be the worst game of all time, but, please, think of my family! You have to say how much you love NFC East division games being shown on national TV!)
Pick: Cowboys
Los Angeles Rams (-10) at San Francisco 49ers
Pick: Rams
Cincinnati Bengals at Kansas City Chiefs (-6)
The formula is pretty simple, here: Bengals at night vs. the best offense in the league looking to come back with a vengeance after their first loss. Chiefs might have 42 at the half.
Pick: Chiefs
New York Giants at Atlanta Falcons (-5)
I’ve got a feeling this is the week Jason Witten and Booger McFarland finally have a fist fight in the post-game meeting. The animosity is too intense not to boil over at some point. Also, I usually hate “this-announcer-sucks” guy because almost every announcer is perfectly fine and getting upset at the announcer is just a defense mechanism used to deny the fact that the team you root for is actually terrible and you’re a moron for choosing them, but Jason Witten STINKS. Everything he says is the most obvious, rote cliche in history, and he has the camera presence of an empty chair. Jason Witten grade: D-. Giants in prime time grade: D-. Falcons in prime time grade: C-. Falcons would have a higher grade, but I just keep thinking of when they were on prime time and blew a 25 point third quarter lead against the Patriots. I think it was in the Super Bowl, too.
Folks, tonight is opening night of the 2018-19 NBA season. I’m not in the basketball mindset whatsoever. This might hamper some people’s ability to create comprehensive, insightful, entertaining pieces about the upcoming season, but, luckily for you, I’m not most people. I’ll shake off the rust and give the quality roundball takes you’ve been jonesing for since the draft. So, here’s 73 thoughts, predictions, takes, and various observations about this season. Why 73? Unless my math is incorrect this is the 73rd season of professional basketball in these United States of America. Easy enough, right?
The Golden State Warriors will win the championship.
This doesn’t mean the league is ruined or that this season won’t be a ton of fun.
The Boston Celtics will win two NBA Finals games this year.
The Celtics will have four All-Stars- Kyrie Irving, Al Horford, Gordon Hayward, Jayson Tatum.
The snub will cause Jaylen Brown to go on a second-half tear and compete for All-NBA Third team.
The Celtics will win 61 games and finish second in the East to the Raptors.
The Raptors got Kawhi. Don’t know if you heard.
I’m actually interested to watch the Raptors. Every year the narrative was “they’re finally playing team ball and taking less mid-range jumpers” only to play the exact same iso, mid-range heavy style they always do. Now that they no longer have a member of the Mid-Range Holy Trinity on the roster maybe they’ll switch things up. And maybe they’ll stop thinking Kyle Lowry will do well in the playoffs.
The Lakers got LeBron. Don’t know if you heard.
Lakers will obviously be a sideshow all season with the preposterous roster they’ve put together, but I actually think people are underestimating them. I’ve seen some takes floating around that they won’t make the playoffs. Huh? Since when does a LeBron team win less than 50 games? It’s not like this team is any worse than the Cavs last year.
Love the updated Lakers yellow jerseys. Hate the updated purple ones with the black paneling:
Lonzo Ball- apparently a tattoo sleeve guy, now:Kind of doesn’t fit, honestly. Should have consulted me beforehand.
Speaking of new ink, what kind of things did Jordan Clarkson get into during the offseason?When your older brother forces you to join his biker gang against your will.
Marcus Smart and J.R. Smith WILL exchange punches at some point this season.
I’m glad I was on the right side of history when it comes to Jimmy Butler. I hope people remember there were some Celtics fans who wanted to trade Jaylen Brown and what became Jayson Tatum AND other things for him.
It’s not that he’s not good. He clearly is. But no one is every good enough to be his teammate and no one is good enough to earn his respect and nothing can ever make him happy. At some point it’s you, man.
His mentality works when you’re Kobe and have a million rings. It doesn’t work when you can’t get out of the first or second round.
Also no one makes scoring look harder. He’s the anti-Kevin Durant.
That being said, he is the legal owner of the Timberwolves, now.
I cannot wait to watch them play. Andrew Wiggins cowering at Jimmy’s feet and KAT glaring at him but never confronting him in any way will be fascinating. 23-59.
Speaking of fun to watch, aside from the obvious (Warriors, Celtics, Sixers, Lakers), the most fun team to watch will be….. the Sacramento Kings.
Don’t get me wrong, they’re going to stink. But I’m just so curious to watch them. They have 10,000 guys who need minutes, most of them are centers, and almost none of them complement each other.
I’m all in on Harry Giles. I love him, De’Aaron Fox, and Marvin Bagley together. So much speed and explosiveness and odd passing chemistry. They’re electric.
Anti-chemistry team was going to be clearly the Wizards before the Jimmy drama. Beal and Wall already hated each other before adding in noted locker room guy Dwight Howard. They’re going to be trash.
I’m excited for Dwight’s former team the Brooklyn Nets. They are my hometown team, after all.
I do legitimately like the Nets roster, though. They’re athletic, fast, take a billion threes, and try hard. That’s a good formula for when you start getting better players. They finally have their own draft picks, now!
Bucks have a new arena this year called the Fiserv Forum. I have yet to decide if I like the camera angle, lighting, and various arena sounds yet. Stay tuned.
Bucks also have a new coach in Mike Budenholzer, who actually knows what he’s doing. If the offense is now more advanced than “hey, Giannis, just go to the hoop and do something,” the Bucks could be trouble.
Giannis will win MVP and Khris Middleton will be an All-Star.
New jerseys this year for the Grizzlies and Nuggets:
I love the Nuggets’ new white jerseys but the other two are just okay. Big fan of the Grizzlies’ entire look.
The Thunder’s City edition jersey is apparently Native American influenced and, for the first time since they moved, I can say with confidence: the Thunder have an awesome looking jersey.
The Jazz, Hawks, Magic, TWolves, Pacers, Warriors, and Hornets all have some sweet throwbacks this year, too.
Legit can’t wait for all the City edition uniforms and Earned edition uniforms to be unveiled. If I could see all of them today but had to take five years off my life I’d do it without thinking twice.
This site is awesome if you’re like me and are obsessed with jerseys, warmup gear, and court designs.
A trend I like: alternate court designs. The Bucks introduced it a few years ago when they had a different court design to go along with their black alternates, but now almost every alternate jersey comes with its own court design, too. This Hornets one is awesome:The Nuggets have a special Mile High court, the Sixers have multiple courts, the Jazz have multiple courts. Keep being creative when designing courts! They shouldn’t all look the same.
I’ve decided I kind of like the jersey ads and I hate the five remaining teams who have decided they’re too good for them.
I think I love this rookie class too much.
DeAndre Ayton has been a freak in the preseason. The major concern going in was his effort level. If he tries every night? I don’t want to say Dwight Howard is his floor but Dwight Howard might be his floor.
Luka Doncic is my new god. Please respect my decision.
This might be Dirk’s final season. Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
I will be at the Mavs-Nets game in Brooklyn on March 4th no matter what. Never seen Dirk play so better get it in now.
I commend the Spurs for assembling the complete Mid-Range Holy Trinity. The Father (LaMarcus Aldridge), the Son (DeMar DeRozan), and the Holy Spirit (Rudy Gay) will guide them to 43 wins.
Many people will say the Sixers will win the East. This is obviously false.
Maybe Ben Simmons will take a non-half-court three this year.
If he ever gets to like, Blake Griffin-level shooting he’ll be a top five player in the league. But he hasn’t even considered using his correct hand to shoot, yet, so don’t hold your breath.
Joel Embiid will dominate some random center (not Aron Baynes, obviously) and trash them on Instagram. My boldest prediction.
I try to keep the takes away from the scalding territory, but I need to throw this out there: Anthony Davis is good.
Kind of like the Pelicans this year. I expect them to finish 3 or 4 in the West. I love their crazy-fast, balls-to-the-wall, just have AD get 45-15 style.
I see no reason why Russell Westbrook won’t average a triple double again this year and it’s crazy that no one cares.
Sometime around the trade deadline Kevin Love will start putting up 20-20 games left and right. Purely by coincidence, though.
It pains me, but the Hornets are going to be the most boring team in the league. Someone rescue Kemba Walker and Jeremy Lamb.
Don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but my freshman year at the University of Connecticut was the year Kemba Walker dragged the Huskies to the national title. Saw him and Shabazz Napier at an Applebee’s one time.
I think the all-UConn team might be able to win 37 games this year. Kemba, Shabazz, Lamb, Rudy Gay, Andre Drummond, Daniel Hamilton. Stacked lineup.
Top Five Brian’s Den League Pass Rankings: Celtics, Kings, Nuggets, Warriors, Lakers
Bottom Five Brian’s Den League Pass Rankings: Hornets, Pistons, Magic, Cavs, Grizzlies
Scoring leader: Anthony Davis. Darkhorse: Devin Booker
Assist leader: Russell Westbrook. Darkhorse: LeBron
Rebound leader: Andre Drummon. Darkhorse: DeAndre Ayton
Steals leader: Paul George. Darkhorse: De’Aaron Fox
Blocks leader: Anthony Davis. Darkhorse: Mo Bamba
Someone will join Steph Curry in the 300 made 3s in a season club.
New York Knicks, Miami Heat, L.A. Clippers, Chicago Bulls, Portland Trail Blazers. There, mentioned every team at least once.
MVP: Giannis
DPOY: AD
ROY: Luka
Coach of the Year: Brad Stevens
Sixth Man: Tyreke Evans
Most Improved: Jaylen Brown
Finals Prediction: Warriors over Celtics
Scale of 1-100, how much fun will this season be: 1,000,000
The sixth Sunday of the NFL season is in the books, and, I don’t know about you, but this one played with my emotions a little too much for my taste. I mean, to go from an electrifying Witching Hour on Red Zone directly into the three most boring late games in NFL history was just brutal. But that’s just the price you have to pay to get a million exciting finishes. The bill always comes, and I’ll gladly pay the piper when it comes to the NFL. Because I’m a sucker. This is Monday Thoughts™.
Can I start declining the free football the NFL is offering? Because I absolutely did not need more Bears-Dolphins.
I like how the Bucs are just the 2010-2016 Saints now. Explosive yet flawed offense with the worst defense ever put on an NFL field. It’s nice having teams like that in the league.
Think I’m just gonna pull a pretentious sportswriter move and just start referring to them as the Arizona professional football team because everything about them offends me. I used to draw bullshit formations and plays in high school that I know were better than what Steve Wilks calls on a weekly basis. Josh Rosen’s career is already wasted.
That being said, I think the Vikings are back.
Antoine Bethea is somehow still in the league but probably won’t be for much longer after this:
Colts-Jets turning into a shootout was unexpected, especially when the Jets came out wearing gray facemasks to honor the Super Bowl III team or something:I hated them at first, but it kind of grew on me. Still not as good as the green.
I hate on Andrew Luck a lot (and honestly, even if every interception he’s ever thrown gets deflected ten times there’s a reason they keep getting deflected), but tough to succeed when this happens:
Some possible personal perspective from #Raiders DE Bruce Irvin? “We lost, but I’ve got a beautiful wife I get to go home to, boy. I’m going to try to make some babies, man.”
I’ve been sitting on this for most of my football-watching life, but I have to get it off my chest: I hate safeties. Hate them passionately. One decapitated Amari Cooper for no reason, one cheap-shotted Jameis for no reason, and Darian Stewart could have ended Cooper Kupp’s season with the most egregious horsecollar tackle since the one that broke T.O.’s leg then acted like a martyr when it was flagged. Like, why? What do you gain from being a dirty piece of shit? What pleasure do you get from drawing a 15-yard penalty every play? Is it fun injuring people? If I was a ref I’d preemptively eject every safety before the game started. I mean some of these guys make Vontaze Burfict look like Ned Flanders. If the NFL actually cared about player safety they’d start kicking guys out of the league. End of rant.
Lifelong Raiders fan Sami Khedira has to be sick to his stomach over this one
Exclusive look at Antonio Brown every time JuJu does anything
Antonio Brown has actually released a statement regarding the fact that someone on the Steelers not named Antonio Brown was given multiple targets in a single game:
Yeah, he caught the game-winning TD (offensive pass interference notwithstanding) but it’s more fun to think of him as an angry child who throws a tantrum every time someone else on his team gets to be the star. A real stretch, I know.
Broncos have to jump to the front of the climate change committee, because a legit snow game was their only chance of beating those pansy-ass surfer bros from L.A.
The Rams being sponsored by Jack in the Box and not In-n-Out is a massive red flag. I thought they were supposed to be the cool L.A. team? The high powered, high octane, flashy squad that lights up the record books but doesn’t really even care about it, brah, they’re just trying to catch some waves. Need that In-n-Out partnership to complete the look. Zero chance they make the Super Bowl, now.
I’d imagine this is the standard reaction when Aaron Donald is sprinting at you:
Todd Gurley is ridiculous good. Just had to say that.
Recap of Jags-Cowboys and Ravens-Titans:
So apparently McDonald’s is now using Bad Luck Brian in a new ad for Monopoly their Trick. Treat. Win! campaign
As an actual Brian, this upsets me. My culture is not your prom dress meme, dammit! The early 2010s were brutal for Brians everywhere because of this meme (not really, but just go with it). I don’t want to be reminded of this dumb Internet fad by my favorite fast food establishment. It’s insulting. Give me Scumbag Steve, instead. At least that one was funny.
It’s crazy to think about the difference in meme longevity between now and the early days of meme culture. Bad Luck Brian was relevant for years. Years! Nowadays the latest Spongebob meme lasts three days before it’s completely killed off. I miss the old days.
The only thing that surprised me about Chiefs-Pats is that the Pats didn’t cover. It got a little hairy, but the Chiefs were never, at any point, going to win.
Why I love the Internet: while looking for Devin/Jason McCourty highlights stumbling on this video
Rutgers-UConn 2009 full game. Just what I needed. Reminds me of the one time UConn football wasn’t a complete joke (I started at UConn in 2010, and the basketball team won the National Championship the following spring, then they won again in 2014. Don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before). Good times.
This week was awesome. Can’t wait to cap it off with a great Monday night game! CJ Beathard in prime time, baby! Let’s goooooo!
Jean-Paul Satre famously wrote in his 1944 play No Exit (or Huis Clos for cultured readers) “Hell is other people.” For me, Hell is NFC East division games. They’re always forced down our throats and they’re always boring as shit. The Giants have Odell Beckham and Saquon Barkley and somehow aren’t fun to watch. Think about that for a second. How is it possible to have two of the most explosive players in the league and not be exciting? For starters, if Eli Manning were a steak he’d be approaching shoe leather-levels of doneness. He’s awful. If it weren’t for his brother’s final go, this might be the worst season ever turned in by a future Hall of Famer. Obviously the dreadful o-line doesn’t help. Nor does the porous defense. I guess what I’m saying is that the Giants stink. I bet they wouldn’t stink if they stuck to their Color Rush/throwback jersey template. They look so much better with the white facemask/white pants/Giants on the helmet instead of NY combo. Enough of boring old gray. You’re the New York Giants! Stop looking like a high school team! People will say this means the Eagles are back (and they probably are), but I think the G-Men are just that bad.
We’re starting to reach that part of the season where every game looks terrible on paper, which is always a good time. Just lowers expectations, really. We’ve even got our first London game of the year! This one features two bad teams no one wants to watch! It’s all about growing the game.
Seattle Seahawks (-3) vs Oakland Raiders (London)
Me mate Jon Gruden’s been cheesed off about ‘is side’s lack of pressure, but facin’ the worst offensive line since the Spanish Inquisition should ‘elp remedy the problem. Seattle are tryin’ their ‘ardest to cock up Russell Wilson’s prime by surroundin’ ‘im wif utter crap. Methinks Pete Carroll lost the plot this past September 11th anniversary, and ‘e’s been researchin’ dodgy store-brand jet fuel burn temperatures instead of buildin’ a quality group of lads around ‘is talisman. If only this game was earlier to give it some novelty, because this is goin’ to be total bollocks. First one to 21 wins.
Pick: Raiders
Buffalo Bills at Houston Texans (-10)
I was about to say this game might be sneaky entertaining, but then I sadly realized I wasn’t living in the fantasy world I created as a lonely youth. Bills stink, Texans are….hot? Two straight wins immediately puts you among the contenders in the AFC, regardless of how bad you’ve been the rest of the year. It seems preposterous that the Texans could be favored by 10 against anyone, but they’re only favored by 10 because they’re going to win by 24.
Pick: Texans
Chicago Bears (-3.5) at Miami Dolphins
Khalil Mack may score five touchdowns this game. At the very least, he’ll have Ryan Tannehill begging for mercy and waving the white flag. But, hey, this is the Dolphins’ year to win the division.
Pick: Bears
Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals (-2)
This is a new scenario I’m going to lay out for you: the Bengals, the Cincinnati Bengals, mind you, look good. They’re 4-1. They’re about to take the leap into the league’s truly elite. They’re ready to finally make some noise in the postseason. All they have to do is beat the Steelers! It’s easy!
Pick: Steelers
Indianapolis Colts at New York Jets (-2.5)
I’m worried about the fact that I think the Jets are going to dominate. It’s like thinking the sun isn’t going to rise in the morning. It’s just not where you want to be.
Pick: Colts
Carolina Panthers at Washington Redskins (-1)
Your weekly “it’ll never be shown on RedZone so did it even happen?” game. This thing’s gonna stink. I always find myself giving the Panthers the benefit of the doubt, though.
Pick: Panthers
Arizona Ca******s at Minnesota Vikings (-10.5)
Went and got some new jeans yesterday. Think they make my butt look nice. I expect to get a lot of sultry looks when I wear them out on the town. It’ll be a good boost to the ol’ self-confidence. Things are looking up!
Pick: Vikings
Los Angeles Chargers (-1.5) at Cleveland Browns
This is like a battle between gods, only instead of controlling elements or cosmic forces, their domain is finding weird ways to lose football games. A missed extra point? A last second turnover? Terrible coaching? All of these and more? What absurd event will completely cripple the losing team? Will there be a losing team? Browns D is legitimately good, but Baker is still in that “wacky rookie gunslinging QB” phase where literally anything can happen, so I know neither team runs away with it. Let’s get another tie!
Pick: Browns
Tampa Bay Bucs at Atlanta Falcons (-3)
I don’t know about the Falcons, man. They’re too good to totally suck, but they totally suck. Jameis is godawful and I’m not totally sure why he’s still included in the Bucs’ longterm plans, but the Falcons have the second worst defense of all time, behind only the Bucs. Falcons might score 70 points, but they might give up 71. The only thing I know about the Falcons is that they were up by 25 points in the third quarter against the Patriots in the Super Bowl and still lost and still haven’t recovered.
Pick: Falcons
Los Angeles Rams (-7) at Denver Broncos
Broncos are bad. Rams are good. Don’t overthink it.
Pick: Rams
Jacksonville Jaguars (-3) at Dallas Cowboys
Wait, the Cowboys are in the national 4:25 game, forcing everyone to watch them and talk about them, thus perpetuating the myth that they’re relevant??????? Huh?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Say it ain’t so.
Pick: Jags
Baltimore Ravens (-3) at Tennessee Titans
I’ve bragged about my ability to correctly predict this Ravens season. This is going to be put to the test against the Titans, the team I can’t figure out for the life of me. Actually, scratch that. I do know the Titans. They stink they’re just ridiculously lucky. Well guess what? No one is luckier than the Joe Flacco Ravens in the history of the NFL. Tough to win when the other team has your greatest strength beat.
Pick: Ravens
Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots (-3)
Folks, get ready to roll you eyes- I see no scenario in which the Pats lose this game. This is all about haves and have-nots. The Chiefs start red hot every year. Every season someone comes along threatening to reinvent the game and shake the very foundation of the NFL. And every year, some hotshot team thinks they’ve got the Super Bowl wrapped up when they come to Gillette Stadium for a Sunday night game. Every year, things don’t go the way they think it will. Welcome to the Chiefs’ Letterman Jacket game. The Mahomes run is dead. Long live Mahomes.
Last night, the Boston Red Sox finally put the Yankees out of their misery. Eliminated them in four games (in Yankee Stadium, no less) to advance to the ALCS. This, of course, means that the Yankees will no, in fact, win the World Series this year. And that makes me sad for Yankee fans everywhere. I know I’ve been hard on this unlikable group of chain wearing, jersey unbuttoning, roided up, greasy, fake-Italian mouth-breathers who can only count to 27 and have an average IQ lower than Mariano Rivera’s postseason ERA, but I’d like to take a moment and give them a message of hope and inspiration:
When people ask me why I love the NFL so much (literally never happened, but go with me), I tell them about Sundays like this. On paper, it was the worst collection of professional football games in history. Only one game I had any interest in watching. The Cowboys in primetime again. Long, boring Sunday incoming. Or so I thought. What resulted was a crazy, wacky, unpredictable slate of games that gave us some truly, truly funny moments. The Cowboys still put me to sleep, though. This is Monday Thoughts™ week 5.
Folks, I’ve got some bad news for the rest of the league: the Super Bowl Champion Jets are Back
You can’t be a non-white professional athlete and be this bad of a dancer. I could do this motion more fluidly. Clean it up.
I love the Dolphins so much. Everything’s going so great for them until they play the Patriots, and now they fold at the slightest hint of adversity. Blowing a 17-0 lead to the Bengals??? Yikes. Couldn’t be my AFC East leader.
I know for a FACT Antonio Brown would be sick to his stomach if the young, talented hotshot receiver who’s putting up better numbers than him got in trouble with the Internet police. He’d lose sleep for weeks if the man who he’s certainly taken under his wing was distracted and had to issue countless apologies and missed a game or two.
Falcons are as toast as toast can get. Remember when they were up 28-3 in the third quarter of the Super Bowl a few years ago and lost? Crazy.
Giants-Panthers somehow became the craziest game of the day, and it’s still not as crazy as this deal from Bojangles
The fact that He is fallible makes Him that much easier to worship and give praise.
This was a shit-pumping of the highest order. Can’t win when you’re dealing with the Bad Bortles Games. Makes me wonder how the Pats couldn’t exploit the same weaknesses the Chiefs “defense” did.
Chiefs winning against the best defense in the league when Mahomes has zero TD passes and two picks should make 14 of the other 15 AFC teams very nervous. The other team will beat them next Sunday night.
Mason Crosby out here putting on for everyone that’s ever had one of the worst days in the history of their chosen profession. Five missed kicks! And they kept throwing him out there!
As far as I can tell, five kickers have missed five kicks in a game:
– Chris Bahr (twice in one season in 1980)
– Cole Ford (1997)
– Bruce Gossett (1974)
– Rolf Benirschke (1980)
– Mason Crosby today
This game was kind of boring but I’m glad the Packers lost because every Packers loss gets Aaron Rodgers increasingly angry with Mike McCarthy who then has to bend over backwards to appease him.
Alright, as exciting as it is that the Browns won a game on a Sunday, forgive me if I don’t dwell on a 12-9 overtime game for too long.
Still, this was the only way the Browns streak could end:
Anyone who can explain this Titans season to me please step forward. No one?
Listen, I’ve obviously been skeptical of Josh Allen since day one and am on the record saying I think he’s gonna stink. But I didn’t think it’d be so boring. Aside from some electric runs there’s been nothing. The bad has just been bad, not funny or anything. It’s a real bummer.
My favorite part of Twitter is when the official accounts of the worst teams in the league tries to dunk on everyone who picked them to lose as if there was any reason to expect them to win another game any time within the next three seasons.
The Bills might be the worst 2-3 team of all time and the Titans might be the worst 3-2 team of all time and you could tell me any number of combined wins they’ll finish with and I’d believe it.
If I didn’t get an involuntary erection every time the Chargers went Powder Blue I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you Raiders-Chargers even happened.
Phil Rivers has never posed for a picture in his life
I don’t think Austin Ekeler has ever touched the ball and not scored a TD
Marshawn was predictably upset he didn’t get the ball at the one. I hope the Raiders give him the ball the next 50 times they’re in the red zone and I hope he never scores just to put this stupid trope to bed.
Despite only getting 220 yards of offense, the team from Arizona scored 28 points. In response to this, I have decided to un-censor one letter of their name. They are now the Ca******s. Congratulations.
Considering Dunkin gets worse the farther away from New England you get, I have to imagine no one in Arizona even wanted this to happen
You’d smell like sausage for a week afterwards. Not that that’s a bad thing.
Somewhat lost in the Mahomes hype is the fact that Jared Goff leads the league in passing yards and passer rating and is second in completion percentage. If he had a better last name we’d realize he’s probably going to win MVP.
I know they’re getting a full redesign next year, but the Rams being stuck with these boring blue and white jerseys is a real bummer. This is the high-flying team from Hollywood! They can’t be looking drab! As usual, NFL uniform rule nuance is to blame. You can only wear throwbacks twice a year for some unknown reason. Really doing God’s work, Roger.
So the thing that got me all fired up in this game was when the Eagles went for 2 when they scored a touchdown to narrow the deficit to 20-12. Yes, they converted, but why? What’s the point? Doug Pederson is clearly addicted to being called the most aggressive coach. I get it. It can be a rush to have people talk about you in such glowing terms. But use your brain, man. You don’t have to go for it in every single situation ever. You can still be considered aggressive if you punt on 4th & 12.
Did you know they liked football in Texas? I didn’t until last night’s broadcast informed me a hundred times.
ATTN: All executives that still think putting the Cowboys on National TV is good-
This game was the ultimate “fake drama Cowboys primetime game” that gets everyone thinking the Cowboys play entertaining games. Just because a game has a close finish doesn’t make it good. That game was awful.
When you know you produce the best NFL content on Earth but you had to watch Cowboys-Texans go to overtime to do it
Surprisingly, this lead to a blowout loss, not a win. I don’t get it, either.
Kind of doesn’t fit, honestly. Should have consulted me beforehand.
When your older brother forces you to join his biker gang against your will.
The Nuggets have a special Mile High court, the Sixers have multiple courts, the Jazz have multiple courts. Keep being creative when designing courts! They shouldn’t all look the same./cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/61530287/usa_today_11293001.0.jpg)
I hated them at first, but it kind of grew on me. Still not as good as the green.
Brian's Den 