Official Halloween Candy Power Ranking

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(Note: I published this last year, but, as usual, Halloween is prime #badopinionSZN. I’ve updated this slightly, but it still stands as the definitive guide to Halloween candy.)

In case you didn’t know, today is Halloween. Or Hallowe’en if you’re pretentious enough. We all know the person that loves Halloween way too much and considers it their favorite holiday, and while I’m not here to rain on their parade, saying Halloween is your favorite holiday is an incorrect opinion. However, I do enjoy Halloween, myself. Love fall, love dressing up, love carving pumpkins, love spooky stories, the whole deal. Unfortunately, I’m in the gray area when it comes to dressing up. Due to cultural stigmas, it’s considered odd for guys to really go all out from ages like 24-32 if you’re single. If you can do couples costumes or have kids, it’s all good, but, sadly, I’m single, childless, and 26. Alas. Even though I’m not even considering leaving my house, there’s one thing I’ll always be able to enjoy about Halloween: the candy.

Now that I’m older, I just buy my own bags of Halloween candy (for the Trick-or-Treaters, you see). While it’s less rewarding than going to strangers’ houses and taking candy from them and it removes the thrill of the candy roulette, I also only get things I like, which is better than forcing the seventh sleeve of Smarties down my throat. Still, I’m not so far removed from the Trick-or-Treat game that I don’t know what candy is good anymore. In fact, it may be the opposite. Since I have full control over what candy I get, I have more freedom to experiment and try new things. I know more about candy than anyone I know. As a candy expert on Halloween, it seemed only natural to share my knowledge with everyone knocking on my door looking for goodies. I knew I had to present the Official Brian’s Den Halloween Candy Power Ranking. Now, there may be many takes upcoming that some would consider “hot,” and this is the first one: I love fun size candy bars. Sometimes the ratios can suffer in the more complex bars, and we’ll get into that at an appropriate time, but the fact remains fun size candy gets the most unfair rap of all time. Eat some when you wake up, eat a few in between breakfast and lunch, eat some after lunch, eat some between lunch and dinner, and then eat a bunch for dessert. You can eat more than you usually would and it feels like you’re eating less! What’s not to like? You get good taste and a little confidence boost. Just because it’s bulking season doesn’t mean you have to eat like a slob, right? That’s what I tell myself as I’m scarfing my twentieth fun size Snickers in the last ten minutes. So that’s one thing established: fun size=fun. I wanted to keep this reasonable, so I decided to go top twenty (UPDATE: top twenty-one). That means there’s going to be some cuts. Some were agonizingly tough and I’ll think about them when I go to bed tonight. Others weren’t. Might as well start with those: Whoppers might be the worst candy of all time. Malt STINKS and malted milk balls are somehow even worse. Actually, I lied. Good & Plenty or anything licorice is the worst candy of all time, but usually people don’t give them out on Halloween (if you or your child has ever been given licorice on Halloween, please alert the correct authorities immediately). Now that licorice is on my mind, I’m just gonna say it- Twizzlers suck. I hate the texture and their flavor doesn’t make up for the dryness. Butterfingers have a pretty solid taste to them, but I don’t like scheduling a dentist appointment every time I eat a candy bar. Ditto for Milk Duds, except they taste bad, too. Sour Patch Kids, I’m sorry, but Halloween is a sweet holiday, not a sour one. If you give me anything with wax in the name I’m legally allowed to slap you in the face. If I wanted to eat chalk, I’d rather it be the sidewalk variety than Smarties/SweetTarts/Necco Wafers. I like Tootsie Rolls and flavored Tootsie Rolls, I really do, but I live just above the poverty line so I can’t include them. Straight Hershey’s and the other blocks of pure chocolate are perfectly fine, but perfectly fine doesn’t make the list. All of the things that come in the Hershey Variety Pack (Hershey Dark, Mr. Goodbar, Krackle) top out at okay. No one’s been given an Oh Henry! in 30 years, but they’re actually pretty good (be honest, you don’t know what an Oh Henry! is. But that’s why I’m writing this and you aren’t). Peanut m&m’s are one of the few casualties of fun size, since you only get like five in a bag. Crunch is fine and Buncha Crunch is an elite movie theater candy, but it’s so boring comparatively when you look at some of the heavyweights on the list. Lastly, it’s not really a Trick-or-Treat candy, but it’s so closely associated with Halloween and fall holidays that it needs a mention- I don’t care for candy corn. It’s bad and I enjoy every moment of my life that isn’t spent eating it. Anything I didn’t mention is probably just irrelevant and shouldn’t be included in any power ranking. Without further ado, let’s get into the Top 21.

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21. Mounds

Mounds probably deserves to be a little higher on the list (I’m a big coconut guy. I live my life on Island Time, brah), but I wanted to put it at 21 to show the razor thin margin between Mounds and its sister candy Almond Joy. Yes, Almond Joy fans, your beloved bar didn’t make the list. I’m sorry. Ask me tomorrow and I’ll have a different answer. But really, it comes down to the fact that, even though I like almonds, I don’t like them enough to eat them all the time. Also, and this may or may not be your second hot take alert depending on your personal (probably wrong) preferences, dark chocolate is better than milk chocolate.

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20. 100 Grand

Honestly these might rank higher if they were more mainstream, but they’re a little too underground at the moment. God, this is a tough list. 100 Grand are awesome and are stuck at number 20! How am I going to rank the rest of these powerhouses?

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19. Reese’s Pieces

I have to come clean: I don’t really like Reese’s Pieces that much. Love peanut butter, but I’m not an “eat straight peanut butter” guy. Still, you have to respect the legends of the candy world.

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18. m&m’s

m&m’s are like candy comfort food. You always know what you’re going to get, and they’re always there when you need them. Very simple, a little boring, but I’m not going to be the one to mock one of the O.G.’s.

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17. Pretzel m&m’s

Pretzel m&m’s are legitimately some of the greatest candies ever invented. You get three in a fun size package. No bueno.

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16. Cauldron Skittles

They’re like Skittles, only Halloween flavored! If you take anything I like and put it in fancy different colored packaging and give it a festive name, I’m in 100% of the time. Only problem is that they’re only available in wholesale funsize packs. Give me a regular bag!

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15. Snickers

Love me some Snickers, but the ratio always seems a little off in the fun size version. There’s always too few peanuts, or too much caramel, or not enough nougat. It’s just not the true Snickers experience. And, yes, I’m sure everyone has the story about that one guy who was trying way too hard to be the cool dad who gave away full size candy bars and the Snickers you got from him were amazing, but we’re not talking about exceptions, here. We’re talking about reality.

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14. Fast Break

I honestly don’t know if they even still make these in fun size, anymore, it’s been so long since I’ve seen them. Regardless, Fast Breaks were awesome. The combo of peanut butter and nougat was a little much at times, but when you got a good Fast Break, oh man. It was good. Believe me.

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13. Snicker Peanut Butter

The candy game is definitely built on legacy and reputation, so when relative newcomers show up on the list, you know they’re big time. I remember these coming out, and I remember wondering why they didn’t try this earlier. They don’t suffer like their father bar does in fun size, mostly because the peanut butter is really overpowering. Whatever, still tastes awesome.

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12. Skittles

The Roger Clemens of candy, Skittles threw away a Hall of Fame career and a guaranteed spot in the top 5 chasing innovation. I don’t use hyperbole, so when I say the decision to change from lime to green apple was the worst decision of all time, I’m being genuine. The fact that it still ranks so high is just a testament to its otherworldly natural talent.

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11. 3 Musketeers

I feel like there’s a lot of hate floating around the Interwebs directed at 3 Musketeers, at I’m here to tell you it’s all dribble. 3 Musketeers is a prime time candy any way you slice it. Prime time name, prime time concept, prime time taste. Yeah, it’s simple, but it’s done right. It works any size, and you can eat about a billion of them and not feel full. I’m a fan of that.

511acooi5ul10. Milky Way

A veritable brother-in-arms with 3 Musketeers, Milky Way can pretty much always be found in the same bag. And they’re pretty much the same thing, only Milky Way has caramel. That’s why it’s one spot higher (a good time to review my rant on the word milk).

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9. Nerds

I’d say it kind of depends on the flavor, but all the flavors are pretty much the same. The closest thing to a true sour candy on this man’s list. The small rocks are great, but when you get a big chuck of crystalized sugar covered in artificial flavoring, well that’s a special kind of bliss, friend.

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8. Baby Ruth

Kind of a weird thing to say out loud, but I went through a pretty big Baby Ruth phase when I was a kid, so this might be nostalgia driven, but Baby Ruth’s are still great. They’re pretty much Snickers that figured out how to be good regardless of the size. They can be peanut heavy every now and then, but usually they’ve got a strong ratio. They aren’t the most widely distributed Halloween candy, so they’re kind of like found money if you have good taste. Please spare me your Sandlot jokes, I don’t want them.

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7. Starburst

I’ve got another hot take, and I think this one is probably the least popular, but I’m fine standing alone. All true visionaries were ridiculed in their time, and I imagine I’m no different. Yellow is the best flavor. That’s right, I said it. Everyone’s favorite whipping boy, yellow Starburst, just left with the Prom Queen (me). Orange is the worst by a pretty wide margin. Starburst on the whole are among the greatest of all time.

6. Peanut Butter m&m’s

Somehow, some way, I hadn’t had peanut butter m&m’s until this year. This was a mistake, because they’re amazing. They’re what Reese’s Pieces should be. m&m’s are the Kennedys of the candy world. The most powerful family, whether you like it or not.

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5. Midnight Milky Way

This might be the most controversial pick, but I’m more than willing to go out on a limb. As previously established, I prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate and I have regular Milky Way at number 9. Ipso facto, Midnight Milky Way gets a boost. It certainly helps that there are so few viable dark chocolate options on Halloween, but the flavor is still out of this world. Get it?

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4. Twix

Now we’re into rarified air. The previous 16 are sort of interchangeable for the most part. All that matters in making the list. But the top 4? They’re pretty unassailable in my mind. Twix is a behemoth. One of the greatest candies ever. I feel like I’ve probably eaten more Twix than any other chocolate candy on this list. But it’s just not quite good enough.

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3. Reese’s Cups

This is probably number one on a lot of people’s lists, and I’m okay with that. They’re just not my fave. Legendary combination of flavors, obviously, and one of the true innovators of the candy world. You can’t tell the story of candy without mentioning Reese’s pretty early on. But they’re just so rich. When I get my Halloween candy, I want to gorge myself. I want to eat and keep eating and keep eating. But after a Reese’s or two, I have to slow down a little bit. Halloween is about excess, not pausing to digest.

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2. Kit Kat

Of all the candy that’s been around forever (or at least as long as I’ve been alive), Kit Kat is easily the best. Plain and simple. It’s a perfect candy that can’t be improved in any way, taste test results from all the weird Japanese flavors notwithstanding. An added bonus of fun size Kit Kats is that, since you only get one, you avoid the awkward social booby trap that comes with eating a full size one (for those wondering, I’ve got no problem just chomping down and eating them all at once if I’m at my house, but if I’m eating a Kit Kat in public you better believe I’m breaking the pieces off individually. Don’t need to be judged while I’m eating candy).

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1. Take 5

Take 5 is the greatest candy of all time don’t @ me. When I was at the store buying some candy, the only bag I found that included Take 5s also had Whoppers and Dots. It was the most insulting thing I’ve ever seen. Take 5 should never be included with those abominations. Matter of fact, any bag that isn’t strictly Take 5 is an inferior bag. I could eat these non-stop for the rest of my life. Sure, I probably wouldn’t live very long, but I’d be happy doing it.

That’s it. The ultimate list of candy. If you disagree, you’re wrong. If I didn’t mention your favorite, maybe it’s time to take a look in the mirror and address some things. Still, most candy is still good, so I suppose I won’t look down on you too much if you prefer something else. But this Halloween, consider dressing up as someone with good taste.

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Monday Thoughts, Week 8

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Halloween week in the NFL, and I’ll be honest- it was scary how stinky the games were. Early game stunk. One good 1 o’clock game. One good 4 o’clock game. Night game stunk but I was mostly just watching the Red Sox win the World Series again. But you know what a terrible group of games does? Makes Monday Thoughts™ a lot easier! Because when it’s a bunch of crappy games no one cares about, no notices if I give minimal effort only deliver medium-grade content instead of the typical elite level. Mediocrity, it’s perfectly fine!

  • Jags are donzo, friends.
  • The Jags decided to go with the always fresh and enjoyable tactic of updating their Twitter name after every win, adding another U to #Duval (Jacksonville is in Duval County if, for some reason, you aren’t familiar with Florida counties). This probably seemed like a better idea in week 2
  • I don’t know if the Eagles are good again. Maybe win two in a row first. I do know that they’re real boring and only had one exciting play the entire game
  • This year’s London games…..not good.
  • Andy Reid’s cruelty to gamblers notwithstanding, the Chiefs offense is in full wagon mode
  • Do people really call Travis Kelce Zeus?
  • Alright, you know what my real Monday Thoughts™ are this week? These games SUCKED and all I care about is that the Red Sox won the World Series for the fourth time in the last 15 years.
  • Just gonna power through some Thoughts because of the immense civic duty I feel towards my followers.
  • Steelers, for some reason I’m not aware of, went with their block numbers from the 70s instead of the modern font they use today, and I think it was an improvement
  • Hue Jackson is the Thanos of terrible coaches and the Browns are his Infinity Gauntlet.
  • LIVE BREAKING NEWS: Hue Jackson fired. That’s what makes Monday Thoughts™ great.
  • Okay, there was one thing I cared about: Fitzmagic is back.
  • I love this man so much. The couple weeks on the bench was just what the doctor ordered to reset the Magic meter. They have no choice but to start him the rest of the season.
  • Jameis is AWFUL, but I’ll miss his funny picks
  • I’ve never seen a sadder QB
  • Long live Fitz (who cares if they lost)
  • What did the Bears cook up for the Jets?
  • Green Starscream? Are you serious? That’s WAY too cool for the Jets. I’d like to log a complaint.
  • I’d like it to be known that I’ve been right about the Ravens and Panthers every step of the way.
  • I know it was garbage time, but it’s funny how the Ravens offense woke up when they finally let Lamar Jackson actually play quarterback.
  • Absurdly hot jacket
  • This man will NEVER post unsolicited highlights from NFC divisional games, regardless of how many Odell highlights there are.
  • Have to wonder what Unwritten Rule Doug Baldwin broke to get a fastball off the knee
  • Fox switched Dean Blandino in for Mike Pereira as their in-game rules expert. I dislike this. Aside from Dean’s involvement in the sham that was Deflategate, he has the camera presence of a cardboard box. Dean Blandino is the name of a wrestling heel, not an NFL rules expert.
  • Raiders are dead.
  • Jaquiski Tartt has my favorite name in the NFL.
  • I feel so bad for Dick Stockton. Every week he’s assigned to the Ca******s and I’m worried it’s going to kill him.
  • A high snap is the perfect way for a CJ Beathard game to end.
  • Think the Cali Brah grounds crew got a little too high and got too much In-N-Out and forgot to finish the field in the Coliseum
  • R.I.P. anyone who had Rams and the over (me)
  • Packers might be back.
  • I think I was a little premature calling the Vikings the second best team in the NFC.
  • Adam Thielen is obviously gritty and sneaky athletic, but if you’re a hater who still thinks he’s not one of the three best receivers in the NFL I don’t really know what to tell you.
  • Vikings defense is good again, regardless of the fact they gave up 30. Kirk Cousins is shaky again.
  • I fully acknowledge this was the worst Monday Thoughts™. As I’ve said three times, now, I don’t really care. The Red Sox just won the World Series, after all.

Red Sox Win the World Series

Folks, it’s the seventh inning and I’m already typing this up. That’s how much the Red Sox have dominated the Dodgers. That’s how much they’ve dominated the entire league all season. The Boston Red Sox are World Champions once again.

The 18-inning loss would have broken most teams. Going down 4-0 the night after losing an 18-inning game would have broken every team. Every team except this Red Sox team. The ate the adversity and spit right back in the Dodgers’ face. Blowout in game 4. Blowout in game 5. One of the most anticlimactic championships I’ve ever experienced. And friends, I’ve experienced a lot of them. Five from the Patriots, four from the Red Sox, one each from the Celtics and Bruins, and two from UConn basketball while I was attending the school. Four if you just factor it all in. Imagine rooting for another group of teams? I can’t.

What a season. What a postseason. So many new Boston legends born in the blink of an eye. Steve Pearce the G.O.A.T. David Price bashed the haters’ brains in. I would die for Joe Kelly, Ryan Brasier, and Nate Eovaldi. Brock Holt might be the most reliable player on the team. If you told me how many future MVP Raffy Devers would win I wouldn’t believe anything under six. Mitch Moreland singlehandedly saved the season. No one will remember how much Mookie and J.D. sucked at the end since they both went deep and now we can just think of them as two of the top three MVP vote getters. Every time I think of Chris Sale’s speech I’m ready to run through the thickest brick wall ever constructed. If 2004 and 2013 never happened, this would be my favorite baseball team ever.

The only question that should be on anyone’s lips is this- Are the 2018 Boston Red Sox the best team of all time? 108 wins. 11-3 in the postseason against two 100-win teams and the loaded Dodgers. Second-most total wins by a title winner ever. Best offense, best defense, and apparently best pitching in the league. I’d put them against anyone in history. Maybe I’m just caught up in the hype. Although, after all these rings, the winning doesn’t feel quite as special as it used to and the losing feels worse. Good thing I don’t do much losing.

I Won’t Let People Forget About Nathan Eovaldi

I’m going to keep this brief since I’m courageously battling a cold/flu hybrid and staying up until 3:30 surprisingly didn’t help, but last night Nathan Eovaldi submitted a classic Forgotten Playoff Moments game, and I refuse to let him fade into obscurity.

Now, assuming the Red Sox still win the World Series, the likelihood of of him going the way of Chase Utley in 09 are reduced. But the fact that he was the losing pitcher in the longest playoff game ever doesn’t help things. Eovaldi dominated this game. As much as Walker Buehler (remember him?) owned the Sox, Eovaldi owned the Dodgers. 6 innings, one earned run, five strikeouts out of the bullpen when he’d pitched both games before? That should be legendary. Instead, he’ll just be a trivia answer.

Eovaldi put his nuts on the table and dared anyone to do something about it. Eventually, attrition won out. But those twelve hours in between when he entered and when the game ended? It should go down in playoff lore. It was one of the best pitching performances these eyes have ever seen. It reduced Rick Porcello to tears, for crying out loud! This game could have ended a million times before it actually did, but Eovaldi did all any person could have done to keep it going. When he was on the Yankees, I hated Eovaldi passionately. My least favorite player since Joba Chamberlain. I thought he sucked and was grossly overhyped. Now? I would die for him. That’s what playoff baseball does.

NFL Week 8 Picks

Welcome to this edition of Tales from the Brian’s Den. This week is extra spooky, and, with Halloween only a few days away, many of these will have you questioning whether or not it’s worth it to go trick or treating. You never know what horrors await you outside your door. Then again, what horrors await you inside your door? Brock Osweiler already snuck into your home and played a night game, what could be coming once the dark magic is really in the air? That’s for you to find out, if you dare. Muahahahahahahaha. Happy Halloween, mortals.

Plz press play:

Philadelphia Eagles (-3.5) vs Jacksonville Jaguars in London

You hear Big Ben clang somewhere behind you. Midnight. Standing outside on this cold, foggy London night you wonder what reason your friend could possibly have for calling you at this late hour. You already banged the ornate knocker against the heavy door once, and are tempted to do so again. The fog has started playing tricks on your mind, and you’re sure you saw something scurry behind you on the cobblestone streets. You wish he’d answer the door soon. Finally, the door inches open.

“Come in, come in,” your friend says. “I’ve got to show you something I’ve been working on.”

Your friend is a scientist, and one that’s been condemned by the community for his….unorthodox experiments. The last time he called over this urgently, you had nightmares for three weeks. The house is strangely empty as you walk through.

“Where are the servants?” you ask.

No answer. You walk passed the drawing room, where you see broken chairs, overturned candles, and multiple bumps on the ground that could be bodies…

“What’s going on?” you ask. Still no answer.

Your friend opens the door to his lab. There are deeps gashes on the wall and broken glass on the floor. He runs to a small table and picks up a vial of glowing teal liquid.

“This is it,” he exclaims. “I’ve finally perfected my serum. The Order will have no choice but to accept me.”

“What is that?”

He downs the concoction and throws the vial to the ground, shattering it. He clutches his stomach in agony and his skin starts to churn. Concerned, you take a step forward, hoping to help in some way. When your friend rises, you’re frozen to the spot. He’s transformed. Blake Bortles now stands before you. The scream never leaves your throat.

Pick: Jags

Seattle Seahawks at Detroit Lions (-3.5)

I still remember the time the 2010 Ford Focus went crazy and started killing people left and right. Most people don’t believe it. After all, a car going on a killing spree is pretty hard to believe. I can’t say I know how it happened, but I just know it did. The papers blamed it on gang violence. Please. I saw that car. I saw the murderous intent in its headlights. No one was driving it, either. I saw it pin a woman against a brick wall and keep ramming her until she was broken in half. Then it ran over another man’s head. That car was evil, and it wasn’t until Aaron Rodgers’ Hail Mary against the Lions that its spirit was finally broken. That car was Detroit to the end.

Pick: Lions

Washington Redskins (-1) at New York Giants

*The insensitive and offensive story regarding Native American culture has been removed*

Pick: Redskins

Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs (-10)

Vance Joseph woke up in a cold sweat. Panting, he checked the clock. 3:17 am.

“Same dream, honey?” his wife asked, awoken by his screaming.

“Yeah,” he said. Same dream every night. It didn’t help that the media couldn’t stop talking about it. The Kansas City Slasher was on the lose, and he’s coming for you! Vance thought it was all a little overblown, but couldn’t help be a little worried. Rumor had it the Slasher loved claiming defensive minded football coaches as his victims.

“I need a glass of water,” Vance said, getting up. His wife said something, but he couldn’t make it out. He was still replaying the dream- the Slasher standing over his bed holding a knife.

He grabbed a glass and turned on the sink. He always thought his kitchen was a little too big, but he wouldn’t dare tell his wife. She loved hosting parties. He put his glass down and splashed some water on his face, hoping he could still get a few hours of sleep before going into the office. Suddenly, he heard movement behind him. Spinning around, he was face to face with another man.

“Hey, coach,” an absurdly gravelly voice said.

“Pat?” Vance asked, subtilely searching for a weapon with his hand. “You alright? Need me to call Andy?”

“Looking for this?” he asked, holding a large kitchen knife.

“Pat, listen, you don’t have-”

“I heard you thought you could stop us. That you thought you could stop Showtime.”

“I never said that, and you know it.”

“I wonder who they’ll replace you with,” Pat said. “Think Elway will step in? I think I’d like that.”

“Pat, wait,” Vance said as Pat inched closer. “Pat! Pat!”

Pick: Chiefs

Baltimore Ravens (-2) at Carolina Panthers

October 24, 1924

Our Amazon journey trudges on. I’m starting to think this quest to find the lost city of Passinterferencia is for naught. Still, our leader Flacco insists we keep going. He’s completely obsessed, and I worry he’ll sacrifice our entire party to satisfy his curiosity. I’m regretting leaving home.

October 25, 1924

Flacco has begun claiming he once lived in Passinterferencia. That his friend Lombardi is still there. He thinks this will be taken as proof enough that it exists. I take it proof he’s gone mad. I’m trying to take control of this expedition before all is lost.

October 27, 1924

After convincing the party to turn back, I fear I may have gotten us lost. Our guide, a native we picked up from a nearby village, is manic with fear. Apparently we’re approaching the cursed den of some ancient beast. I worry I may be the only one of us left to have kept his head.

October 28, 1924

Everyone is dead. Both my legs are gone, and I know I don’t have much time left before that creature comes to finish me off. The very gates of hell opened and spit out a massive, black, cat-like demon who started massacring our party. After every kill, it would taunt the remaining men by dabbing on us or miming ripping a shirt open as if to reveal a superhero outfit. Our guide was the only one spared, and he cursed me as he left, traumatized. This trip was a disaster. I doubt any soul will ever read this, but if you do- RUN AWAY!

Pick: Panthers

Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers (-8)

The Brown bloodline never stood a chance. That’s what Baker kept hearing growing up. As the last of the noble family, Baker was warned again and again to stay away from Pittsburgh. That everyone in his family was ripped apart by the metal monster that only has a taste for Browns. Well, Baker wanted to put that to the test. He packed his bag, remembering to grab his six-shooter, and hopped on I-76. He was going to kill this creature and avenge his family. Well, that’s what he said, anyway. I haven’t heard from him in three weeks.

Pick: Steelers

New York Jets at Chicago Bears (-7.5)

I’m sure none of you will believe me. You’ll just say I’m crazy. But I know what was written in that book, and I know what happened when I read those cursed words aloud.

I had been tracking the ancient tome for years. There was only one surviving copy, and the legends about it were as old as time itself. I only wanted it for the rarity. I was going to sell it again for massive profit. But when I took the book from the haggard old woman, my curiosity got the best of me. I had to read Monsters of the Midwaye Moste Evile.

I knew I had to try one of the spells. I had to see if the summonings worked. I gathered the required ingredients, drew the magic circle, lit the candles, and said the incantations. I figured nothing would happen. I’m sure the press said nothing happened. But I saw those spirits appear. I saw the murderous look in their eyes. I heard what they said.

“We’re hear to kill promising young QBs,” they kept repeating. Next thing I knew, they were gone. And Sam Darnold was dead. And no one suspected me in the slightest.

Pick: Bears

Tampa Bay Bucs at Cincinnati Bengals (-4.5)

Jameis couldn’t believe it. Pirate zombies. What a preposterous outbreak. While being quarterback of the Buccaneers gave him a small modicum of protection, he was still hiding. They had already killed a few of his teammates. Gripping the shotgun he had lifted purchased from Publix, he looked out the window. Nothing was stopping the slow, ambling march of the walking eye-patched corpses.

He heard glass break in another room. Panicking, he ran over. He was suddenly face to face with patient zero of the outbreak. The Captain, they were calling him. He had a huge beard, a tricorn hat, a baggy white shirt, and a crimson frock coat. An undead parrot was perched on his shoulder.

“He went to Harvard!” it squawked.

Jameis fired. Half the zombie’s body disintegrated, but it kept walking towards him.

“Ye can’t kill me, Jameis,” it said sadly. “Ye can never kill me.”

Jameis turned and ran as the Captain’s body regenerated.

Pick: Bucs

Indianapolis Colts (-3) at Oakland Raiders

“Step right up, my man,” the mysterious peddler said. “Take a gander at my wares. You won’t find rarer.”

The shop had popped up overnight about a week ago, and soon everyone in town was raving about it. Rare curiosities that happened to be exactly what everyone needed, all for no charge! One woman got a future Hall of Fame defensive end, one old man got the overhyped receiver he’d been craving. You had to check it out for yourself. No harm in looking, after all.

The store didn’t even have a name, but the owner certainly had a distinctive look. Barrel chested with a blond bowl cut, the man shook your hand vigorously as soon as you opened the door.

“Take a look at this one, man,” he said, holding up a mascara-eyed quarterback. “I like to call this guy the Sheriff, because he’s always in command out there.”

You pass. You need many things, but a QB who is hated in his own locker room isn’t one of them.

“No? Alright, how about this little guy,” it’s a safety that was drafted in the first round who hasn’t really done anything in the league. “I’ll tell you what, man, this guy here’s a real grinder.”

You pass again. You think it’s about time to leave this shop, because you’re starting to get an uneasy feeling. Something about this place seems off.

“Alright, man, I think I know exactly what you need,” he rummaged behind the counter and pulled out a bucket of Hooters’ wings and Coronas. “This right here, man. This is perfect for all your football watching needs.”

Without hesitating, you reach out and grab the bucket. You feel a shock, and the shopkeeper gets a devilish look in his eye.

“It’s yours, man. Free of charge.”

“Really?” you ask. “All of this for free?”

“Well, it doesn’t cost money,” he said with a laugh before ushering you out the door. “I’ll see you soon, man.”

You don’t know what he meant by that, but who cares? You got exactly what you needed.

Pick: Raiders

San Francisco 49ers (-1) at Arizona Cardinals

Just seeing this matchup was by far the scariest thing I’ve ever read.

Green Bay Packers at Los Angeles Rams (-9)

The meeting is in 15 minutes. Your lunch with your producer friend ran long, and all that time you had put aside to get from Nobu to the San Fernando Valley was dried up. Luckily, you just purchased one of the new self-driving smart cars everyone was raving about.

“Welcome, brah,” it would say every time the engine started. “You are currently 200 feet from In-N-Out. Would you like to swing through for a couple Double-Doubles?”

“No thanks, Tanner,” you said. “I’m in a hurry and need to get to my meeting with Rodrigo.”

“I gotchu, brah. Would you like to take the 412 up to Santa Monica or the 317 towards Culver City?”

“Just get me there ASAP, Tanner.”

“Right on.”

You zone out. These new cars are really amazing. They detect everything around them, and are undoubtedly better at driving than you ever were. Sure, it cost two years’ salary to buy, but it was worth it, especially if you were seen getting out of one.

This meeting is huge, you think. The script you’ve been developing could change your career forever. All those B-horror movies could finally lead to the big, prestigious films you’ve been dying to make. Rodrigo could make it all happen, but he hates tardiness.

You realize the car has stopped, and you look at the clock. Still three minutes to go, you’re in the clear! But when you look out the window, all you see are cars.

“Tanner, where are we?” you ask in a full panic.

“Sorry, brah, I might have miscalculated a bit. We’re on the 405 right now. Think we’re gonna be stuck here a while.”

The 405. In rush hour. On the one day you needed to be somewhere.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” you scream. But it’s lost under the sound of thousands of horns.

Pick: Rams

New Orleans Saints at Minnesota Vikings (Pick)

The snow was unbearable. Drew could handle the cold and the wind, but walking through the snow was the worst part.

He had managed to survive alone for two weeks after his hiking party was attacked by strange purple monsters. His friends Alvin, Mark, and Michael were slaughtered instantly, and his mentor Sean had died from his wounds soon after. Drew was wondering why he thought a bunch of Southern boys would enjoy a getaway to the frozen fields of Minnesota, but it was too late for regrets, now.

Staying warm was all he was concerned about, but he knew he was being followed, too. The same creatures that attacked the first time had finally found him.

Good, he thought. A fight would keep him warm, and if he died, at least he’d go down swinging. He had been sharpening sticks at night, but was unsure if they would penetrate the thick hides of the beasts. Guess he’d find out soon.

The snap of a branch told him they were upon him. They were vaguely humanoid, but bigger, faster, stronger. They had razor sharp claws and teeth, and had yellow manes. They circled around Drew.

“Alright, let’s do this,” Drew said. “This is for my friends!”

He threw one of the sticks at the nearest monster. He missed. The fight didn’t last long.

Pick: Vikings

New England Patriots (-14) at Buffalo Bills

The little town of Buffalo was quiet this morning. Young Josh went outside, looking for some other kids to play with, only to find the streets deserted.

“Where is everyone?” he asked his mother. She didn’t answer, only wept into a tissue.

“What’s wrong, mommy?” Still no answer.

“I’m sorry, son,” his father said, kneeling down and embracing him. “Tom Brady’s here. And he demands sacrifice.”

His father punched him in the gut, both knocking the wind out of him and knocking him unconscious. He put him into the back seat of his car and drove off towards the stadium, where the malevolent being awaited his yearly tribute.

Pick: Patriots

I Wish I Invented the Dyson Airblade

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So when I’m by myself for long periods of time (i.e. always), I think of stupid hypothetical questions that I might theoretically ask someone (or, more likely, would like someone to ask me) or talk about at length in some fashion (like on a podcast, maybeeeeeeeeeee?), and the one I’ve been stuck on recently is “What one thing do you wish you invented?” And I decided that I wish I invented the Dyson Airblade.

It may seem stupid, but think about it. Every public bathroom worth its salt has one. It’s as sure a sign of modernity as anything. If you enter a public bathroom that doesn’t have a Dyson Airblade you should probably just walk out. So already you’ve created a status symbol. Not everyone can say that.

Inventing some big thing like cars or planes or ovens or whatever also boxes you in. What if the Wright Brothers were great poets and wanted their work to shine? Too bad, because they’re just the plane guys. Maybe Karl Benz was a brilliant philosopher, but he’s just the car guy. Why do you think Elon Musk is trying to invent as many things as possible? You don’t want to just be pigeonholed for the rest of your life. Well, inventing the Dyson Airblade is the perfect medium. It’s a huge, groundbreaking invention, sure. But it’s not so big that you’d forever be the Dyson Airblade guy if you invented it. You’re free to pursue other inventions or other ventures, but it’s also going to pull in enough cash where you can sit back and just be the Dyson Airblade guy if you wanted to. You can buy one for your home, if you want to (one of the most tempting things I’ve ever seen) for the low, low price of $1,899.00. Think of how many Dyson Airblades have been sold at $1,899.00. That’s enough to make the actual inventor, James Dyson, a billionaire. But guess what James Dyson is known as? The vacuum guy.

It’s really a no-brainer, the more I think about it. If you invented the Dyson Airblade, you get to be a pioneer of bathroom sanitation technology and a wealthy dryer magnate, but you also won’t get forced to only work on hand dryers for the rest of your life because you can remain relatively anonymous. I’m seriously considering gathering enough funds to acquire the patent rights just so I can create the Brian Airblade and sell it back to all the places with Dyson Airblades claiming it to be a necessary upgrade. I’m gonna be so rich!

Monday Thoughts, Week 7

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Yesterday was Sunday. There were NFL games played. That means there are Monday Thoughts™ today. Follow? Good.

  • Titans played the Chargers in London at 9:30 am. I did not watch it. I forgot it was happening. The world keeps spinning.
  • Serious question: is Marcus Mariota the first Hawaiian to ever set foot in the UK?
  • Titans have good Twitter graphics
  • I would die for Mike Vrabel
  • Glad lifelong Chargers fan Michael Essien made it out to the game!
  • Tyrell Williams is officially hot
  • The fact that Marcus Mariota, the bastion of quarterback lower-mediocrity, had yet to throw a red zone interception in his career to this point is simply preposterous
  • How confused do you think the good people of London were when the Titans went for two at the end instead of tying the game? Why pass up the chance to get a result, am I right? Because soccer.
  • Going for two was the right decision, it was just a bad playcall. Chargers are considerably better than the Titans, going to overtime wouldn’t have changed that. Try to steal a win.
  • Bills-Colts was a football game played under NFL regulations. This is a fact.
  • Nathan Peterman warming up and not coming in is a crime against humanity.
  • Obligatory:
  • Browns should realistically be 1-1-5.
  • Myles Garrett is large
  • One day Jarvis Landry will be on a good team
  • I miss Fitzpatrick.
  • One of the most shocking field goals I’ve ever seen. Still can’t believe he made it
  • Some franchises are destined to have the worst kickers ever. Browns and Bucs are two of them.
  • You knew I was looking forward to this: what did the Bears’ Twitter account cook up for the Pats?
  • Revolutionary Ringwraith? I’m in. This should be the new logo, honestly. Way cooler than what they gave the Dolphins.
  • I don’t know when Mitch Trubisky became Mike Vick, but I didn’t appreciate it
  • The Cordarrelle Patterson experience:
  • Getting a punt blocked has to be the worst feeling in the world
  • Only the computer when you’re playing on All-Madden makes this pick:
  • Josh Gordon is the slowest fast person of all time
  • Pats get to play the Bills next week. This pleases me.
  • Did this Lions-Dolphins game actually happen? My sources are telling me it did, but I’m skeptical.
  • I guess this counts as evidence
  • Stafford went 18/22 and Kerryon Johnson had 158 yards? I said this in my picks, but if you’re the Dolphins how can you let a bunch of carpetbaggers from icy Detroit come into South Beach and dominate. What would Pitbull think?
  • So, like, are we sure the Eagles are still good? Are we positive Carson Wentz is the future of professional athletics?
  • Games like this are why I’ll always give Cam and the Panthers the benefit of the doubt. They’re just mentally tougher than 99% of the league. Unless there’s a lose ball with the Super Bowl on the line.
  • It seems bad that the Super Bowl champions lost a game when this was tweeted out:
  • Feel like no one runs reverses anymore. Everyone’s too concerned with the jet-sweep-flip-that-counts-as-a-pass now
  • This has to sting:
  • But, hey, the Eagles are having fun out there! That’s all that really matters, right Lane Johnson?
  • Speaking of teams that are definitely having fun, how about your AFC runners-up, the Jacksonville Jaguars? They’re definitely breaking through this year, I can feel it!
  • Jags D will get a lot of heat because they keep getting blown out, they should be one of the best units in the NFL, and they all hate each other and love talking about it, but this really wasn’t their fault. Holding a team to 20 points should be enough for a supposedly good team to win in 2018.
  • Who got beat on this play? I can’t tell
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, part 2,000,000
  • Is this good?
  • Jets are continuing an encouraging trend of teams wearing their Color Rush jerseys on days other than Thursday.Surprisingly, this lead to a blowout loss, not a win. I don’t get it, either.
  • Sam Darnold stinks again. It’s almost as if rookie QBs go through ups and downs, or something.
  • Adam Thielen’s just the best receiver in the league now
  • No one gets there earlier, leaves later, or has a coach-ier father.
  • This might be a storyline I’ve created in my mind, but people are sleeping on the Vikings because they stumbled out of the gate. They’re the second best team in the NFC.
  • One of these days, Joe Flacco’s gonna run a route on one of these Lamar Jackson plays.
  • Call me crazy, but wouldn’t it make more sense to, you know, take Flacco out of the game if you’re putting Lamar in? Wouldn’t you rather have another skill guy or another blocker or another anything over Flacco just standing on the side? What’s the point? To set up that trick play you’ve been waiting for? Flacco gives so little effort on these things that the second he exerts himself even a little the defense will know something’s about to happen. Just seems like a big waste of time.
  • But, hey, got a one yard TD so it’s all worth it!
  • Drew Brees 500 TDs
  • Nothing really happened in this game until, of course, Justin Tucker’s dramatic missed extra point
  • Payback for that kick he “made” against the Pats in 2012 that didn’t actually go in but John Harbaugh bullied the refs into calling good.
  • When someone tells you Carreras was actually the best of the Three Tenorsjustin-tucker-miss-832x447
  • Cowboys-Redskins sucked so I’ll give you the CliffsNotes version of every Cowboys division game ever: nothing happened and everyone hated it but it ended with some stupid, fake, overly minute, manufactured controversy that will be debated to no end, proving that the Agenda-Setting Theory is correct (it’s not often I can pull out something from my college education, so savor it).
  • Redskins 3rd-string tight end is named Jeremy Sprinkle. Making the NFL with the last name Sprinkle is one of the most impressive feats in the history of Western Civilization.
  • Rams-49ers was the least competitive non-Bills game of the year, but at least the jerseys looked good
  • Aaron Donald four sacks. GOAT
  • Todd Gurley has taken up permanent residence in the endzone
  • Over the last two seasons Gurley has 33 TDs. Julio Jones has 43 career TDs. Can Gurley’s two-season run eclipse Julio’s entire career? I’d say it will by week 12.
  • Now THAT was a Bengals prime time game.
  • Sick catch, though
  • Bengals also “forced” the worst throw of Mahomes’ career
  • Unfortunately Mason Screck had to be carted off with injury. He was the only fun thing remaining on the Bengals’ roster.
  • Get it? It’s an Office reference! They’re so rare online these days
  • Decent run
  • Big Macs for Sacks is the polar opposite of the Texans’ Jack in the Box promotion
  • Vintage Al
  • When you know the Halloween edition of NFL Picks is coming on Friday

NFL Week 7 Picks

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Man, what a great Thursday night game between two exciting, innovative teams who are surely to be right in the mix at the end of the season. Can’t believe what a privilege it is to watch two of the greatest offensive minds in the game go head-to-head in a high-stakes chess match. I’ll remember this one for a long time.

Hah! You thought I would devote precious hours of my life to watching Broncos vs. the Arizona Professional Football Team?

On to the real games.

Tennessee Titans vs Los Angeles Chargers (-7)

You know what I hate? “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon. Might be the worst song ever recorded. At the very least the most annoying. Song’s a piece of shit. I’m glad Kid Rock co-opted it for “All Summer Long.” You know what else I hate? Duran Duran. Can’t explain why, but if Van Halen didn’t exist they’d be my least favorite band of all time. Other than that, love England. Got yelled at by a Stonehenge staffer when I went. I was sitting on one of the stones and the guy told me to get off to preserve the ancient monument or something. I know it was just because he didn’t want me absorbing any of the mystic power that courses through the entire area. Too bad for him enough energy had already entered my bloodstream to fundamentally change me and give me supernatural abilities, which I use to correctly pick NFL games, like this one. This game’s in London, if you couldn’t tell, and it’s the first 9:30am game of the year. Couldn’t think of anything else I’d rather wake up to than Marcus Mariota going 9/15 for 108 yards and a pick. Gonna be electric. Still, Chargers stink going East (in my mind, at least), and Wembley is the Easternmost NFL stadium.

Pick: Titans

Buffalo Bills at Indianapolis Colts (-7.5)

Colts shouldn’t be favored by most high school teams by more than 4 points, so I have no idea what the hell this line is. I know it’s the Derek Anderson effect, but still. Bills D is somehow good enough to keep them from getting blown out by fellow bad teams. No game had a high range of watchability: if Peterman was starting, it would have been must watch. Since it’s Anderson? No thanks.

Pick: Bills

New England Patriots (-3) at Chicago Bears

I will pay Khalil Mack a substantial amount of money to sit this game out. Not that I’m worried he’ll ruin the Pats chances of winning, or anything. I just don’t want him anywhere near my 41-year-old QB. Pats by a million either way since the Bears D is highly overrated.

Pick: Pats

Carolina Panthers at Philadelphia Eagles (-5)

LOVE the Panthers. Love ’em. Eagles are coming off a big Thursday win and have a big game against the Jags in London next week. I know they’ve overlooked the Panthers because they’ve convinced themselves they’re back. Unfortunately for them, the rest of the league is not the NFC East. Panthers just shove the ball down your throat and grind out wins. When facing this same strategy earlier in the year, the Titans beat them in OT. The Panthers are better than the Titans.

Pick: Panthers

Detroit Lions (-3) at Miami Dolphins

I don’t like the Lions being favored in Miami. Just doesn’t sit right with me. Detroit and South Beach are as polar as polar opposites can get. Either team is a major fish out of water (pun NOT intended) in the other team’s house. The Lions are used to cold, snow, thick, square pizza, hot dogs with chili and mustard, and automobile factories. You put them in the middle of the 305 and expect them to win by more than 3? The culture shock alone will keep them under 21 points. The second Matt Stafford hears a note of Latin music and his hips start involuntarily moving he won’t know what to do. This has Dolphins blowout written all over it.

Pick: Dolphins

Minnesota Vikings (-3.5) at New York Jets

I’m officially on record saying the Vikings are Back. They just needed to get used to a new QB, sometimes it takes a few weeks. The defense is starting to play like we thought they would, but their run defense has been there all year. The Jets are only good when they can run the ball at will. Not that hard to figure out.

Pick: Vikings

Cleveland Browns at Tampa Bay Bucs (-3.5)

All I know about this game is that there’s going to be 10,000 turnovers, most of them very funny. Because Jameis throws the funniest picks this side of Buffalo and Baker sneaky just throws the ball straight to the other team a lot. Still, the Bucs play defense the same way I go to the gym: we just don’t. The Browns of the past would roll over and die after getting dominated last week. But these are the New Browns, who keep fighting no matter what. These Browns have the ball in the red zone with 30 seconds left, down 27-23. They still lose, though.

Pick: Bucs

Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars (-5)

I grow tired of the Jags. They only play well when they feel the other team is worthy of their effort, and, apparently, the Pats are they only team they’ve given that distinction. Now, they’re not the first team to be completely obsessed with beating the Pats (they may be the last, though. Sigh), but they way they just dismiss every other team in the league and don’t bother showing up 90% of the time annoys me. I can do that. I’ve been there for five titles. I’ve won. The Jags have made two AFC championship games in their history, winning neither, and are acting like million time champs. Don’t become the Wizards of the NFL, guys. I can already tell the team hates each other. Calais Campbell seemingly spends half of every game trying to assuage the various personalities who are upset that someone else on the team isn’t as perfect as they are. Meanwhile, the Texans are kinda, sorta good, now. If they had a competent coach, they might even be actually good. I think the Texans win this handily as the Jags predictable spiral continues.

Pick: Texans

New Orleans Saints at Baltimore Ravens (-2.5)

I think this is the first Ravens game I’m legitimately excited for since the last time they played the Pats in the playoffs. Kind of crazy stat: this is the 23rd season in Ravens history. They’ve finished outside the top ten in total defense seven times, and three of those times were the team’s first three seasons. Thus far, they rank first in total defense and first in points allowed. This would also be the highest they’ve ranked in total yards since Vinny Testaverde was under center. What I’m saying is that the Ravens are the only AFC team I’m scared of in the playoffs and that I wouldn’t be very surprised if they won the Super Bowl. That being said, they can’t enter the playoffs with too many wins. Coming off a shutout victory, this is exactly the kind of game where Flacco looks like the worst person to ever attempt a forward pass and everything goes wrong. Got to throw people off the scent, a little.

Pick: Saints

Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins (-2)

I bet you’re thinking I’m gonna have another snarky comment about the NFL forcing boring-ass NFC East matchups down our throats in national 4:25/prime time spots. I’m offended you would think so low of me. Everyone knows how much I love watching Dak Prescott and Alex Smith!

(The NFL has my family. They’ve threatened to kill them if I say how much I hate NFC East games one more time. I know this is going to be the worst game of all time, but, please, think of my family! You have to say how much you love NFC East division games being shown on national TV!)

Pick: Cowboys

Los Angeles Rams (-10) at San Francisco 49ers

Pick: Rams

Cincinnati Bengals at Kansas City Chiefs (-6)

The formula is pretty simple, here: Bengals at night vs. the best offense in the league looking to come back with a vengeance after their first loss. Chiefs might have 42 at the half.

Pick: Chiefs

New York Giants at Atlanta Falcons (-5)

I’ve got a feeling this is the week Jason Witten and Booger McFarland finally have a fist fight in the post-game meeting. The animosity is too intense not to boil over at some point. Also, I usually hate “this-announcer-sucks” guy because almost every announcer is perfectly fine and getting upset at the announcer is just a defense mechanism used to deny the fact that the team you root for is actually terrible and you’re a moron for choosing them, but Jason Witten STINKS. Everything he says is the most obvious, rote cliche in history, and he has the camera presence of an empty chair. Jason Witten grade: D-. Giants in prime time grade: D-. Falcons in prime time grade: C-. Falcons would have a higher grade, but I just keep thinking of when they were on prime time and blew a 25 point third quarter lead against the Patriots. I think it was in the Super Bowl, too.

Pick: Falcons

73 Thoughts About the 2018-19 NBA Season

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Folks, tonight is opening night of the 2018-19 NBA season. I’m not in the basketball mindset whatsoever. This might hamper some people’s ability to create comprehensive, insightful, entertaining pieces about the upcoming season, but, luckily for you, I’m not most people. I’ll shake off the rust and give the quality roundball takes you’ve been jonesing for since the draft. So, here’s 73 thoughts, predictions, takes, and various observations about this season. Why 73? Unless my math is incorrect this is the 73rd season of professional basketball in these United States of America. Easy enough, right?

  1. The Golden State Warriors will win the championship.
  2. This doesn’t mean the league is ruined or that this season won’t be a ton of fun.
  3. The Boston Celtics will win two NBA Finals games this year.
  4. The Celtics will have four All-Stars- Kyrie Irving, Al Horford, Gordon Hayward, Jayson Tatum.
  5. The snub will cause Jaylen Brown to go on a second-half tear and compete for All-NBA Third team.
  6. The Celtics will win 61 games and finish second in the East to the Raptors.
  7. The Raptors got Kawhi. Don’t know if you heard.
  8. I’m actually interested to watch the Raptors. Every year the narrative was “they’re finally playing team ball and taking less mid-range jumpers” only to play the exact same iso, mid-range heavy style they always do. Now that they no longer have a member of the Mid-Range Holy Trinity on the roster maybe they’ll switch things up. And maybe they’ll stop thinking Kyle Lowry will do well in the playoffs.
  9. The Lakers got LeBron. Don’t know if you heard.
  10. Lakers will obviously be a sideshow all season with the preposterous roster they’ve put together, but I actually think people are underestimating them. I’ve seen some takes floating around that they won’t make the playoffs. Huh? Since when does a LeBron team win less than 50 games? It’s not like this team is any worse than the Cavs last year.
  11. Love the updated Lakers yellow jerseys. Hate the updated purple ones with the black paneling:
  12. Lonzo Ball- apparently a tattoo sleeve guy, now:Kind of doesn’t fit, honestly. Should have consulted me beforehand.
  13. Speaking of new ink, what kind of things did Jordan Clarkson get into during the offseason?When your older brother forces you to join his biker gang against your will.
  14. Marcus Smart and J.R. Smith WILL exchange punches at some point this season.
  15. I’m glad I was on the right side of history when it comes to Jimmy Butler. I hope people remember there were some Celtics fans who wanted to trade Jaylen Brown and what became Jayson Tatum AND other things for him.
  16. It’s not that he’s not good. He clearly is. But no one is every good enough to be his teammate and no one is good enough to earn his respect and nothing can ever make him happy. At some point it’s you, man.
  17. His mentality works when you’re Kobe and have a million rings. It doesn’t work when you can’t get out of the first or second round.
  18. Also no one makes scoring look harder. He’s the anti-Kevin Durant.
  19. That being said, he is the legal owner of the Timberwolves, now.
  20. I cannot wait to watch them play. Andrew Wiggins cowering at Jimmy’s feet and KAT glaring at him but never confronting him in any way will be fascinating. 23-59.
  21. Speaking of fun to watch, aside from the obvious (Warriors, Celtics, Sixers, Lakers), the most fun team to watch will be….. the Sacramento Kings.
  22. Don’t get me wrong, they’re going to stink. But I’m just so curious to watch them. They have 10,000 guys who need minutes, most of them are centers, and almost none of them complement each other.
  23. I’m all in on Harry Giles. I love him, De’Aaron Fox, and Marvin Bagley together. So much speed and explosiveness and odd passing chemistry. They’re electric.
  24. Anti-chemistry team was going to be clearly the Wizards before the Jimmy drama. Beal and Wall already hated each other before adding in noted locker room guy Dwight Howard. They’re going to be trash.
  25. I’m excited for Dwight’s former team the Brooklyn Nets. They are my hometown team, after all.
  26. I also own the Barclays Center.
  27. I do legitimately like the Nets roster, though. They’re athletic, fast, take a billion threes, and try hard. That’s a good formula for when you start getting better players. They finally have their own draft picks, now!
  28. Bucks have a new arena this year called the Fiserv Forum. I have yet to decide if I like the camera angle, lighting, and various arena sounds yet. Stay tuned.
  29. Bucks also have a new coach in Mike Budenholzer, who actually knows what he’s doing. If the offense is now more advanced than “hey, Giannis, just go to the hoop and do something,” the Bucks could be trouble.
  30. Giannis will win MVP and Khris Middleton will be an All-Star.
  31. New jerseys this year for the Grizzlies and Nuggets:
  32. I love the Nuggets’ new white jerseys but the other two are just okay. Big fan of the Grizzlies’ entire look.
  33. The Thunder’s City edition jersey is apparently Native American influenced and, for the first time since they moved, I can say with confidence: the Thunder have an awesome looking jersey.
  34. The Jazz, Hawks, Magic, TWolves, Pacers, Warriors, and Hornets all have some sweet throwbacks this year, too.
  35. Legit can’t wait for all the City edition uniforms and Earned edition uniforms to be unveiled. If I could see all of them today but had to take five years off my life I’d do it without thinking twice.
  36. This site is awesome if you’re like me and are obsessed with jerseys, warmup gear, and court designs.
  37. A trend I like: alternate court designs. The Bucks introduced it a few years ago when they had a different court design to go along with their black alternates, but now almost every alternate jersey comes with its own court design, too. This Hornets one is awesome:The Nuggets have a special Mile High court, the Sixers have multiple courts, the Jazz have multiple courts. Keep being creative when designing courts! They shouldn’t all look the same.
  38. I’ve decided I kind of like the jersey ads and I hate the five remaining teams who have decided they’re too good for them.
  39. I think I love this rookie class too much.
  40. DeAndre Ayton has been a freak in the preseason. The major concern going in was his effort level. If he tries every night? I don’t want to say Dwight Howard is his floor but Dwight Howard might be his floor.
  41. Luka Doncic is my new god. Please respect my decision.
  43. This might be Dirk’s final season. Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
  44. I will be at the Mavs-Nets game in Brooklyn on March 4th no matter what. Never seen Dirk play so better get it in now.
  45. I commend the Spurs for assembling the complete Mid-Range Holy Trinity. The Father (LaMarcus Aldridge), the Son (DeMar DeRozan), and the Holy Spirit (Rudy Gay) will guide them to 43 wins.
  46. Many people will say the Sixers will win the East. This is obviously false.
  47. Maybe Ben Simmons will take a non-half-court three this year.
  48. If he ever gets to like, Blake Griffin-level shooting he’ll be a top five player in the league. But he hasn’t even considered using his correct hand to shoot, yet, so don’t hold your breath.
  49. Joel Embiid will dominate some random center (not Aron Baynes, obviously) and trash them on Instagram. My boldest prediction.
  50. I try to keep the takes away from the scalding territory, but I need to throw this out there: Anthony Davis is good.
  51. Kind of like the Pelicans this year. I expect them to finish 3 or 4 in the West. I love their crazy-fast, balls-to-the-wall, just have AD get 45-15 style.
  52. I see no reason why Russell Westbrook won’t average a triple double again this year and it’s crazy that no one cares.
  53. Sometime around the trade deadline Kevin Love will start putting up 20-20 games left and right. Purely by coincidence, though.
  54. It pains me, but the Hornets are going to be the most boring team in the league. Someone rescue Kemba Walker and Jeremy Lamb.
  55. Don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but my freshman year at the University of Connecticut was the year Kemba Walker dragged the Huskies to the national title. Saw him and Shabazz Napier at an Applebee’s one time.
  56. I think the all-UConn team might be able to win 37 games this year. Kemba, Shabazz, Lamb, Rudy Gay, Andre Drummond, Daniel Hamilton. Stacked lineup.
  57. Top Five Brian’s Den League Pass Rankings: Celtics, Kings, Nuggets, Warriors, Lakers
  58. Bottom Five Brian’s Den League Pass Rankings: Hornets, Pistons, Magic, Cavs, Grizzlies
  59. Scoring leader: Anthony Davis. Darkhorse: Devin Booker
  60. Assist leader: Russell Westbrook. Darkhorse: LeBron
  61. Rebound leader: Andre Drummon. Darkhorse: DeAndre Ayton
  62. Steals leader: Paul George. Darkhorse: De’Aaron Fox
  63. Blocks leader: Anthony Davis. Darkhorse: Mo Bamba
  64. Someone will join Steph Curry in the 300 made 3s in a season club.
  65. New York Knicks, Miami Heat, L.A. Clippers, Chicago Bulls, Portland Trail Blazers. There, mentioned every team at least once.
  66. MVP: Giannis
  67. DPOY: AD
  68. ROY: Luka
  69. Coach of the Year: Brad Stevens
  70. Sixth Man: Tyreke Evans
  71. Most Improved: Jaylen Brown
  72. Finals Prediction: Warriors over Celtics
  73. Scale of 1-100, how much fun will this season be: 1,000,000