What’s Your Animal Valentine?


Folks, it’s Valentine’s Day. The lovely (get it?) holiday we all know and love (get it?). I’ve been watching a lot of nature shows lately after BBC Earth rolled out their MCU-style phase 3 lineup of new shows and I love (get i- alright, I’ll stop) animals. So I decided to combine them and figure out who the best animal valentine would be. I don’t know, it’s hard to always find good angles for holiday posts, alright? Just go with it. To help you choose which animal you’re going to curl up next to tonight, I’ve divided them into helpful categories.

Thoughtful Division


Possum- Mother possums carry like, 20 babies on their backs at the same time. They’ll gladly add your worries and problems to their load. Possums will give you emotional support whenever you need it. Need to vent about work? Got some feelings you need to work through? Ready to be vulnerable after years of neglecting your emotions? Possums are there, ready to listen. Just don’t call them opossums, though, because that makes you sound like a toddler.


Seahorse- How refreshing is it when a man takes charge of his home? Pulls his weight with housework and seizes control domestically. It shows maturity and a desire to settle down for the long haul. Well, seahorses take this to the extreme. Not only will your man cook, clean, and pay the bills, he’ll literally carry your children. He’s the total package and he’s ready to pamper his queen and make sure she never has to lift a finger again.


Any Species of Penguin- Penguins always know what their loved ones need. Shelter from the cold, a loving embrace, a homecooked meal, if you’ve got a hankering for something, penguins will give it to you. They love long walks in the snow, playful dips into the ocean, and squid. Sound like something you can agree with? I thought so.

AUT Book

Wolf Eel- I’ll be honest, wolf eels aren’t brimming with confidence. They know how they look and they know what everyone thinks about them. But that’s what makes them great valentines. They’re so starved for attention that anyone who looks their way will be made to feel like royalty. Wolf eels will make you feel attractive and learn everything about you and always do whatever you want to do. They can be a bit clingy, but you won’t find a more loyal companion.

Romance Division


Peacock- They say money can’t buy love, but that won’t stop peacocks from trying. Peacocks will stop at nothing to give you the most extravagant, over-the-top Valentine’s Day experience. Rose petals? Check. Chocolate? Check. Candles? Check. An Instagram story that’s so long each segment is microscopic? Double check. Peacocks want to give you the best, but they want everyone to know they’re giving you the best.


Rat- Nothing says “I love you” like a romantic dinner, and rats are the masters. Subway pizza, garbage, and, of course, ratatouille are on the menu tonight if you make a rat your mate. Rats know how to set the mood and always know the perfect wine pairing. The lineup of food may be somewhat rigid, but that’s just because they respect you enough to only serve you the best. Tired of dates who can’t handle themselves in the kitchen? Rats are here to ease your culinary suffering.


Lioness- You know what no one likes? Indecisiveness. You know what everyone likes? A woman who can take care of themselves but also has a softer side. Lionesses combine the best of both worlds. They know what they want, and if they want you, buddy, you’d better be ready for a great Valentine’s Day. She’ll make you dinner (at her place, because she’s naturally got a perfect eye for interior decoration), wow you with her wide range of conversation topics, and already have the perfect movie picked out. That is if you even make it that far…


Any kind of Bear- Looking for someone to protect you from the world and wrap you in their big, strong arms? Look no further than the noble bear. Doesn’t matter what kind. They’re all good options. Want a man who will go to any lengths for you and treasure you above everything else? Polar bears can go years without seeing a potential mate. He’d be dying to cuddle up close and protect you from the cold. Want to feel safe and taken care of because it’s hard to always be the masculine, assertive go-getter that’s expected to do everything solo and never complain? How do you think the phrase mama bear came to be? Bears will be there for you when you need them most and are always hoping they can make you feel special and wanted.

Horny Division


Bonobo- Everyone knows bonobos have a great sense of style, but not everyone knows that they jerk off 24/7. Bonobos will greet you with their penis (or clitoris, since they’re abnormally large) and won’t stop until you escape or force them to leave. Things WILL get weird and they’ll probably get three or four of their friends involved at some point. Establishing a safe word is a must, but it might not be particularly reliable since bonobos lack the ability to fully understand human language.


Shoebill Stork- Ladies…fellas….just imagine what that beak can do.


Narwhal- Narwhals have been looking forward to this day all year because they know anything goes in the bedroom. Maybe you’ve been scared of the tusk. Maybe he’s been scared of the tusk. Either way, you’ve both been holding back. But it’s Valentine’s Day, now. Don’t worry. He’s a sensual lover.


Chameleon- What’s that? You don’t think someone who can change color to blend in with anything and has a ten-mile-long tongue would make a good lover? Alright. Remind me not to invite you to the next orgy.

Yes, I am a little ashamed of this. But not enough to stop me from pressing publish. Happy Valentine’s Day.


Canadian Censorship Has Gone Too Far


source– When it comes to celebrating his family name, Dave Assman refuses to take no for an answer.

After Saskatchewan Government Insurance (SGI) denied his latest request for an ‘ASSMAN’ vanity license plate, the Melville man had an oversized decal designed to replicate the plate in question and then placed the decal on the tailgate of his white Dodge Ram pickup truck.

Assman — pronounced OSS-men — said he appealed SGI’s decision Tuesday and received a message around four hours later that his request had once again been rejected. Then the railroad worker took action.

In addition to his name, the decal includes the word “Saskatchewan” and the provincial motto “Land of Living Skies.” It even features what looks like the four bolt openings used for attaching to vehicles every license plate in the province.

Assman first tried to put his name on a license plate in the 1990s. That application was rejected by SGI as “profanity.” His recent application was denied on the grounds that it was “offensive, suggestive or not in good taste.”

“I think they are too worried that people are going to have hurt feelings about something that is complete nonsense,” Assman told the National Post by direct message last week. “Even if it wasn’t my last name who is it going to hurt?”

SGI, like all provincial authorities responsible for vanity plates, refuses any application that have even a whiff of sexuality, drug references, politics or religion. Its list of rejected vanity plates runs to 85 pages.

Speaking to the National Post last week, SGI spokesman Tyler McMurchy said the agency generally errs on the side of caution.

“Even if a word is someone’s name and pronounced differently than the offensive version, that’s not something that would be apparent to other motorists who will see the plate,” McMurchy said.

Here I was, minding my own business on a Wednesday, thinking that our neighbors to the north (sorry, neighbours to the north) couldn’t possibly impact my day in any way when I get slapped in the face by this shocking story. Longtime Brian’s Den reader Dave Assman, known to his friends as “Assman,” was denied his vanity plate by the oppressive Saskatchewan government because it might be too “offensive.” Excuse me? Is this 2019? Since when are names offensive? I bet his plate would have been approved if his name was Penisman.

Listen, I’m sick of Canada’s facade. Every chance they get they tell everyone “hey, here in Canada everyone’s nice and funny and awesome,” but I know better. I know the kind of Orwellian Hellscape that lies above the 49th Parallel. This is a country that bullies the little guy. That shames humble railroad workers for their surname. That censors its citizens with no remorse. What’s next? Outlawing “Gas, Grass, or Ass- Nobody Rides for Free” bumper stickers? No more Calvin peeing on stuff? I’m not even gonna ask how long Dave would have to spend in jail if he wanted his plate to say “ASSMAN69” instead of just “ASSMAN.” I’m surprised a squad of Mounted Gestapo Officers didn’t seize his truck and publicly beat him within an inch of his life for daring to defy the all-powerful SGI. Probably arrested his entire family and threatened anyone he’s ever spoken to because that’s how terror-based regimes stay in power. By convincing the weak and helpless that anything other than total cooperation is tantamount to treason.

I stand with Assman. A brave Canadian patriot who remembers when his once-noble nation was remembered for things like hockey and Celine Dion and Ryan Reynolds and ice, not fascistic tyranny that stifles joy and fosters fear and unrest. This latest incident is too far, even for Canada. Until Dave gets a legitimate ASSMAN vanity plate, I am officially #done with Canada, and I encourage you all to #done them, as well. I’m talking no more Seth Rogen movies, no more watching hockey, no more Labatt or Molson (can’t give up Celine, though. I’m only human). This is an unforgivable human rights violation that cannot be allowed. Canada must face repercussions for this disgusting display of despotism. Justice for Assman.

You Are Invited to Blayze on the Beach 2019- the Biggest Party in Human History

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Are you bored? Tired of a pointless, mundane existence? Want to escape your pallid life and join beautiful people in paradise and get a ton of likes on Instagram? Come join the hottest event in human history. Blayze on the Beach will take the world by storm February 21-24 on the beautiful Bavaro Beach in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. The ultimate entertainment experience will totally immerse you in the lifestyle you’ve been dying to convince your online friends you’ve been living for years. A never-ending party and never-ending music. Blayze on the Beach has everything you need to break free. Picturesque, worry-free beach? Check. Unlimited cocktails presented by New Amsterdam Vodka? Check. Unforgettable, once-in-a-lifetime performances by legendary musicians like Travis Scott and Rixton? Check. Blayze on the Beach is going to be the premier music festival in the Western Hemisphere in 2019. This is an opportunity you do not want to miss.

A taste of the acts that will be performing on the Blayze Stayge:


Drake? He’s in


A One Direction Reunion? Only One Thing Could Get These Guys Back Together- Blayze on the Beach


You Know Simple Plan Will Be There


Cardi B Might Be In Punta Cana At Some Point


Sheeran’s Bringing Lots of Sunscreen. Are You?

Don’t have your ticket yet? Worry not, there’ still time. Better act fast, though.

UPDATE: All General Admission Tickets are SOLD OUT! Luckily there are plenty of premium packages for you to chose from so you can do Blayze on the Beach the right way:


Basic Beach Villa Experience- Only $50,000


Beach Villa That’s A Little Farther Away From The Other Villas- Only $75,000


Beach Villa With WiFi- Only $100,000


Beach Villa That’s Not Really On The Beach But Is Still Pretty Nice- Only $150,000


Secluded Beach Villa That’s An Inconvenient Distance From The Venue- Only $250,000


Vintage Tent Experience- Only $500,000

Interested in tickets? CLICK HERE

Not sure what else needs to be said. Blayze on the Beach is going to change the world. Come February 21, anyone left on the outside looking in is going to regret it. Don’t let this pass you by.

This could be you


blayze copy


What Was More Impressive: the First Half of the Patriots’ Dynasty or the Second?


Sorry, haters. Patriots won the Super Bowl yet again. Ho hum. The most unprecedented dynasty in the history of professional sports continues, making all of you losers sick. Please tell me how little you even care about football or how this represents evil winning or whatever it is the Deadspins of the world are saying today because they’re sick of their team not winning and have thus decided to paint the Patriots as a legitimately bad entity which is stupid and irresponsible but it’s okay because Tom Brady has a lot of money or something or about how no one actually counted them out or any other stupid hate you have in your heart. Give me all of it. It gives me strength. It gives me life knowing that your entire existence is made worse simply because Bill Belichick is smart enough to keep a roster together for 18 years. Oh, right, I forgot to add in to tell me about how they’re nefarious cheaters. That one definitely holds up if you spend ten seconds doing any research or free thinking whatsoever, you’re right. Whatever. Today isn’t about the sourpusses who are going to throw a party when all this theoretically ends but then realize how much they miss having them around after a few seasons of revolving doors of conference champions. Today is about the people who have been there from the beginning or even for those noble souls who, despite not being Patriots fans, have the brainpower to respect this dynasty. To them, I ask this question: was the first half of the run better, or was the second half better?

I suppose it’s a little disingenuous to divide it into two different periods since there’s really three. First was 2001-2007, where they won two Super Bowls, could have won five, and were unquestionably the best team in the league. Then there’s 2008-2013, where Brady got hurt, they had some weird years where they were kind of lost in the wild, momentarily had a revolutionary offense before another random Giants loss and a….high profile arrest, and were always just on the outside looking in. Then there’s 2014-now, where they’ve now won three Super Bowls and could have won two more in a different dimension. All in all, six Super Bowl victories in nine appearances and would have won two more in 2006 and 2013 if they hadn’t lost on the road in the AFC Championship game. It’s pure absurdity.

Anyway, 2001-2007 or 2014-now? 2001 was the first year I cared about football, so that season means a lot to me, and 2007 was my favorite team ever (too bad they canceled the Super Bowl that year). But the rest of those years are kind of hazy for me. I don’t remember a single thing from 2002 besides the Super Bowl, which did not involve the Patriots. 2003 and 2004 are kind of there, but not really. I have more memories from those episodes of America’s Game than the actual seasons. I don’t know why my brain has abandoned large portions of my adolescence, but it did. You could easily convince me 2005 never happened. The only thing I remember about 2006 is the AFC Championship Game. Reggie Wayne sort of fumbling the ball up into the air was the first time football ever momentarily killed me. Then 2007 gave me the worst night of my life. So from a personal level, this latest run was better and far more memorable. Was it better, though? It’s so hard to compare. Don’t know if you’ve heard, but the Patriots are constantly changing and adapting. Last night certainly reminded me of the old teams’ stifling defense, but I think their offensive prowess kind of gets underrated as the years go on. Their winning percentage is slightly better in this recent era, despite the fact that there’s, you know, an undefeated season mixed into the first one. I’m just gonna say this recent run is better. It’s been more fun and so much more satisfying as the haters run out of ground to stand on. I like grizzled Brady better, anyway. But hey, he kisses his kids on the mouth a little too late in their lives. So at least you’ve got that.


Patriots Win Super Bowl 53


What a game. What an all-time classic, unforgettable game. My beloved Patriots, champions of the National Football League once again.

Listen, this one’s a little subdued. When you see six of these, one of them’s gotta bring up the rear, and friends, this was it. The haters will say this game sucked, but we all know that true football dynasties are built on gross beautiful 10-3 defensive struggles. Brady showed up for a drive. Edelman unreal all game. Gronk (maybe) going out on top. Absolutely unreal game from the D. Stephon Gilmore needs to be inducted into the Hall of Fame today. Dont’a Hightower is the best defensive player in Super Bowl history. R.I.P. Brian Flores era. It will be missed.

Whatever, I don’t care. Third title in the last five years, sixth in the last seventeen. What a team, what a run. Appreciate it, folks. We’ll never see it again. How did I ever get so lucky to see this whole thing? I’ll never know. What a life I lead. A champion straight out of the womb.

Super Bowl LIII Picks

Los Angeles Rams v New England Patriots

Super Bowl Sunday. America’s favorite party and the last football game for seven months. A great day if you’re a casual fan or a neutral observer, the longest day of the year if your team is playing. Trust me, I know from experience. Time never moves quite as slowly as it does on Super Bowl day. If you’re not like me and don’t suffer from crippling anxiety about an inconsequential event I have absolutely no control over, you can probably get a lot done during the day. The morning never ends and the afternoon lasts forever. 4:30-6:15 is four separate eternities. And then the game starts, and, if you have a rooting interest, it’s the longest four hours in history. The day is mostly agony, broken only by the cosmic coin flip that is the final result. But, again, that’s only if you’re like me.

If you’re not like me you’re probably going to a party with a bunch of people you either like or are tangentially connected to where you’ll spend a few hours eating food and having rote, boring, uninformed conversations about football and commercials and hear such gems as “Tom Brady’s a cheater,” or “I’m so sick of the Patriots,” or “you know, this should really be the Saints. Did you folks see what happened to them?” Sounds like hell to me. I’ll be in my apartment, alone, breaking down film in real time. That’s what a true expert does. That’s why you’re reading my thoughts on the Super Bowl and not your friend Doug’s. Doug thinks he’s the first person to come up with a Sean McVay coaching tree joke. He’s not, trust me. Super Bowl parties also leave too much to chance, mostly food related. What if you get there and there are no wings? Or no pizza? Or weird chips or a weird dip you don’t want but your friend’s girlfriend made it so you have to try it? Pass. Let me provide my own spread. It’s better that way.

Onto the game itself.

New England Patriots (-3) vs Los Angeles Rams

Did you know these two teams played 17 years ago in the Super Bowl, kicking off the Patriots Dynasty? Bet you didn’t. In a weird way, the roles are kind of reversed this time around. The Patriots as the established powerhouse with the championship pedigree against the young coach-QB combo that has aspirations of something greater. But it’s far from apples to apples. For starters, the Pats are only 3 point favorites as opposed to 14 point favorites (which, game-that-shall-not-be-named notwithstanding, I don’t think will ever happen again in a Super Bowl). There’s also no pressure on the Pats. What’s their penalty for losing? Brady and Belichick are suddenly not the best ever? The key players of the Patriots’ run get nothing out of this game either way. It’s all on the Rams. They’re the ones with the revolutionary coach that will undoubtedly see 31 of his former assistants as head coaches within the next five years. They’re the ones that went all-in on free agency and have the hopes and dreams of every single NFL player who wants both money and success riding on them. They’re the ones who have to carry the flame for the NFL’s entertainment-focused agendas. They’re the ones who, most likely, will be set up as the next team to kind of run the league for a few years if they win. And they very well might win. They have the firepower offensively and the beasts on defense. They won 13 games for a reason. In an alternate reality where the Chiefs won last week, I’d be rooting for the Rams. It’s in the league’s best interest for McVay to win. I like a lot of their players. Love Jared Goff. Aaron Donald is one of the five best NFL players I’ve ever seen. I’ve always been a big Ndamokung Suh guy despite the…antics. Aqib Talib is a former Patriot great. But they’re not going to win. The Pats are too smart, too tough, too experienced. This game is going to come down to the wire. Would you rather be the team with comically clutch quarterback and the coach who’s prepared for everything or the first time coach and QB with the injured kicker? I’ll hang up and listen. Sorry, America. Pats win again.

Just kidding. I’m not sorry.

Pick: Patriots


NFL: Super Bowl LI-New England Patriots vs Atlanta Falcons






Prop Bet Special (via Bovada)

  • Coin Toss- Heads -105
  • National Anthem Over/Under 1:49 (Gladys Knight)- Over -145
  • Will Any Scoring Drive Take Less Time Than Anthem?- Yes -145
  • Over/Under Tony Romo Correct Pre-Play Predictions 7.5- Under -135
  • Aaron Donald QB Hits Over/Under 2.5- Under -135
  • How Many Times Will Ted Rath (Sean McVay’s get-back coach) Be Mentioned O/U 3.5- Under -400
  • O/U Sean McVay’s Age Mentioned 1.5- Over -270
  • O/U Total Net Yards 824.5- Under -140
  • What Color Liquid Dumped On Coach? Orange +450
  • Who Will MVP Mention First in Speech? Teammates +160
  • First Song Performed by Maroon 5? “Moves Like Jagger” +600
  • Predominant Color of Adam Levine’s Shirt? Other Color Than Black EVEN
  • Will Puppy Bowl MVP Be Pure Breed or Mixed? Mixed -800