Author: Brian

It Hasn’t Even Been September for Two Seconds And I’m Already Sick

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I don’t want to take away from the firefighters and school teachers, but I wouldn’t object if you called me a hero for writing this. Sunday morning at like 3 a.m. I woke up with a scratchy throat and I feared I might be getting sick. Unfortunately, I’m always right, and now here I am, the proud owner of a cold. Very annoying! The temperature dropped to 60° for the first time since probably April and I immediately get sick. Talk about S.A.D. I’m sniffling and coughing left and right. I’m single handedly keeping the tissue industry afloat and freebasing cold medicine. And I’ve been on a big orange kick, too. For the last like, two or three weeks I’ve been eating an orange a day. I though vitamin C was supposed to help prevent colds? I can confirm that I don’t have scurvy, which is a plus, I guess.

Needless to say, this has put me in quite the bind. I’m faced with difficult decisions everywhere I turn. For one, it’s hot again. It’s 80° as I right this, and my house gets way too hot. But whenever I turn on the AC or a fan, it just inflames my sensitive sinuses. So I have to just sit here sweating like an idiot. The second pickle is that usually, when I get colds, it’s actually cold out, so I put on my most comfy sweatpants and a sweatshirt. However, it’s been established that it’s currently too hot for that, and I have a strict no-sweats-before-the-NFL-season-kicks-off policy. So I’m wearing shorts and a t-shirt, but because it’s so hot I’m still hot and sweaty. It’s terrible. Lastly, and probably most importantly, is that I need to leave the house, but leaving the house is the last thing I want to do. I need a haircut. I don’t have any food left. At some point I might need to work again (the only positive part about having a cold is that you can say “oh, I don’t want to get everyone else sick” and it’ll buy you a couple extra days off). But I can’t leave. I can’t go in public looking and sounding like this. I have a reputation to uphold. If people saw me in this weakened state, how would they ever fear or respect me again? And how could I be expected to drive while being hopped up on NyQuil? But what am I supposed to eat? My arm? Frankly, I don’t know which way to turn. The timing of this is terrible, too. How am I going to get a cold at the beginning of fall? I die a little inside every time I think about the smells I’m about to miss. The first bunch of fresh apples. The smell of the leaves as they slowly decay. The first pumpkin spice flavored anything. The smell of football! And I’m missing all of it. Dear God, why have You forsaken me?

In an effort to expedite my recovery, I’m stuck trying all manner of cockamamie cold remedies that have next to zero chance of working. But one glance at what the internet has to offer has me troubled. I mean, take a look at this, a dime-a-dozen slide show that’s the first Google search result. Honestly, this is some messed up shit. Listen to jazz? I’m not pretentious enough. Put on a pair of wet socks? I’d rather be dead. Work out? Please. Eating raw onions is something I’ve heard before, but I’m not really looking to do that. I need something radical. I need some Old World holistic remedy that makes me puke everywhere but is effective nonetheless. Only problem is my family is all American. The only ties I have to Europe are centuries old, and not from the right part, either. I need some shriveled up grandma who just got off the boat from Romania to give me some ancient concoction that her village has used for generations. Some ground up leaf that doesn’t grow here that tastes like a three week old compost heap that I have to drink while upside down or something. I’m tired of slugging water and sleeping all day, I want a quick fix ASAP. Slothing around playing entire 16 game seasons of Madden in one day is only satisfying for so long. I can’t live like this much longer. Last night I did two fantasy football drafts at the exact same time while courageously battling illness. It was an impressive, Herculean feat, but I’m not looking to repeat those kind of heroics every time I feel like doing anything besides sitting down. If anyone has some stupid remedy they use, let me know. I’ll pretty much try anything.

NFL Preview: AFC

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Can you feel it? The air is crisper. The heat is breaking. The leaves are thinking about changing colors. Grocery stores are getting the first wave of pumpkin and apple flavored food. Football season’s here, folks. And what a season it promises to be. College football’s had a few weekends all to its own, but the NFL is looming. Just a few short days from now, the defending Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots will open their season against the Kansas City Chiefs, and then every weekend from now until Valentine’s Day will have pro football. Don’t blow all your excitement on the opening week, though. We’ve only got a finite amount of football before it goes away again. Appreciate and savor every moment. Embrace the 49ers-Rams games and the Jets-Bills games. Even bad football is better than no football.

With the NFL season so close, I knew it was finally time to break out my NFL Preview. If you were foolish enough to read my MLB previews, you might be wondering where my NFL thoughts have been. Well, because I didn’t feel like doing it want to reward everyone’s patience, I decided that, instead of breaking it down by division, I’d just do each conference all at once. You’re welcome. We’ll start with the only division that actually matters, the AFC East. All win totals taken from OddsShark.com.

AFC EAST

new_england_patriotsNew England Patriots- The Pats (my Pats, I should say. Full disclosure and all that) start the season as, you’ll never believe this, the overwhelming favorites to win both the division and the Super Bowl. And for good reason. This is the best team in the NFL, and they just had the most aggressive offseason of the Belichick Regime. They spent big money on corner Stephon Gilmore, traded for receiver Brandin Cooks and tight end Dwayne Allen (and defensive end Kony Ealy, who they head-scratchingly released), and picked up running back Mike Gillislee, who lead the NFL in yards per carry last year. Normally, such a stark departure from the norm would be cause for concern, but I’d trust Belichick with my life (he probably also thinks Brady doesn’t have a ton left in the tank). Losing Julian Edelman for the season sucks, but this team is so stacked that they can survive and thrive without him. Sorry everyone, the Pats are still great, and they’re still going to win the Super Bowl.

Over/Under 12.5 Wins: Over

Key Offseason Move: Trading for Brandin Cooks

Burning Question: Will they get bored beating every team by 50?

Bold Prediction: It’d honestly be bolder to say they won’t win the Super Bowl than to say that they will.

 

miami_dolphinsMiami Dolphins– In my years on this earth, I’ve only learned a few iron clad truths. The sun will rise in the east every morning. Bees are dying at an alarming rate. Video games will charge you $30 for DLC after you paid $60 for the game. And no matter where you go, there will always be at least one random ass Dolphins fan there. It’s invariable. Everywhere I’ve lived, I’ve known a Dolphins fan. I’ve never lived south of New York City, by the way. There’s just always a Dolphins fan wherever you go, and they’ll always be willing to tell you they’re a Dolphins fan. They’re mostly harmless. After all, tough to really be too obnoxious when your team hasn’t won a title in over 40 years.

As for the actual team, I have mixed feeling about them. I really like their jerseys and a lot of their players, but I despise Ryan Tannehill with the passion of a thousand suns and, just kind of instinctively, I dislike the team as a whole. Maybe because they’re the only team in the AFC East that comes close to posing a threat to the Pats. But their unprecedented streak of consecutive Offseason Super Bowls was broken by the very Patriots the Dolphins are always gearing up to beat. The irony is overwhelming.

It’s tough to really project anything for the Dolphins after Tannehill went down for the season. Any continuity they had from last year is gone, and the receiver-turned-quarterback was robbed of the chance to finally, finally, take that next step and become something other than a cowardly bum. Their defense was pretty bad last year (29th in total yards allowed) and they responded by adding a bunch of wicked old guys. I’m sure they’ll beat up the bad teams because, as every analyst will tell you, there’s a lot of talent here, but they still stink.

Over/Under 7.5 Wins: Over

Key Offseason Addition: Signing Jay Cutler

Burning Question: Will the Dolphins actually be totally comfortable with Cutler since they’re used to a quarterback with terrible body language?

Bold Prediction: They’ll win week one and everyone will say Cutler’s finally figured it out.

 

buffalo_billsBuffalo Bills– Another team with strong jerseys and a stronger fanbase, the Bills are the perpetually forgotten team of the AFC East. They’re bad, but not as bad as the Jets. They have distinctive uniforms and mascot, but not as distinctive as the Dolphins. They have a fun and effective play style, but it’s not as good as the Patriots’ McOffense. No matter what, they’re always second rate, which suits the city just fine.

What wasn’t second rate was their run game last year. They lead the league in yards per game, yards per carry, rushing touchdowns, and rushing DVOA. They have an elite offensive line, LeSean McCoy is still one of the most elusive and explosive runners in the league, and Tyrod Taylor is one of the premier running quarterbacks in the league. Losing Mike Gillislee hurts, but the new coaching staff is creative enough to overcome that. The passing game might be better than expected, honestly. I still like Jordan Matthews and think Zay Jones could be a good slot guy in the league. The defense wasn’t good, but maybe they can take a step forward in the post-Rex-Ryan-hype era.

Over/Under 6 Wins: Over

Key Offseason Move: New Coach Sean McDermott

Burning Question: Who will be the first Bills’ lineman to miss a game because of heartburn from too many buffalo wings?

Bold Prediction: They won’t beat the Pats either time.

 

new_york_jetsNew York Jets– Jets suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Still, it would be the most Jets thing ever if they won 6 or 7 games this year to ruin their chance at getting the number one pick.

Over/Under 4.5 Wins: Under

Key Offseason Move: Trading away Sheldon Richardson

Burning Question: Will this season increase or decrease Jets’ fans’ inherent self-loathing?

Bold Prediction: They will play 16 games this season.

 

AFC NORTH

pittsburgh_steelersPittsburgh Steelers– The eternal heir to the AFC Iron Throne, the Steelers boast the NFL’s most theoretically explosive offense, so long as they’re playing the Browns at home. They’re totally stacked on offense. Antonio Brown and Le’Veon Bell are both arguably the best players at their positions in the league. Martavis Bryant is back from his year-long murder weed suspension and is ready to beat people deep again. Big Ben is tough as nails and one of the most clutch quarterbacks ever, but he’s always hurt and complete trash on the road. They’ll score points. They’ll have a couple games where they score 50 or so to keep the hype going. But everyone but Antonio Brown is also likely to miss multiple games.

The defense could take a big step forward this year. Considering how tightly the Steelers are associated with defense, it’s actually amazing that the current version of the defense is underrated. They finished in the top 11 or 12 in a lot of major categories, including total yards allowed, sacks, and points allowed. Their biggest weakness was the secondary, but signing Joe Haden should help shore up the back line. This team’s gonna be good. Just as long as they’re not playing the Patriots.

Over/Under 10.5 Wins: Over

Key Offseason Move: Signing Joe Haden

Burning Question: Will Big Ben contemplate retirement before or after the bye week?

Bold Prediction: They’ll lose the AFC Championship game to the Pats

 

baltimore_ravensBaltimore Ravens– Listen, I’m biased against the Ravens. I hate them and everything they stand for. I would die before giving them any legitimate praise. But they’ve been dormant for far too long. Most deep Ravens runs haven’t been logical. They spend most of the regular season looking like shit only to win three in a row to close out the year and then make the AFC Championship Game somehow.

This is pretty much the exact same team as last year, and last year they weren’t all that good. Their defense is good, but not earth-shatteringly so. They pass a ton (like, more than anyone), but are trash at passing. The running game is abysmal. But all of that is going to add up to like an 8-1 record in one score games and yet another bullshit playoff run.

Over/Under 9 Wins: Push

Key Offseason Move: No one was arrested

Burning Question: Has John Harbaugh actually learned the rules of football yet?

Bold Prediction: There will be no love lost this season between the Steelers and Ravens.

 

cincinnati_bengalsCincinnati Bengals– It’s so hard to muster any kind of strong opinion about the Bengals. They’re just so blah. Their offense is good, not great. Their defense is alright at best. Actually, you know what? Piling on the Bengals is one of the easiest things to do in sports, so I’ll say some good things about them: I think they have a top five helmet in the league. I might be the world’s only Andy Dalton guy. A.J. Green is a beast. John Ross is really fast. Vontaze Burfict is a scumbag but it’s fun watching him melt down. It’s fun to watch the whole team melt down, really. You never know how the Bengals will blow a big game, but you know they will. I’m looking forward to a season where they’re not good enough to beat any of the top teams but not bad enough to get a good draft pick. Great times in Cincy!

Over/Under 8.5 Wins: Under

Key Offseason Move: Honestly don’t even know

Burning Question: Will Joe Mixon upset the balance of the NFL’s most clean-cut locker room?

Bold Prediction: Aforementioned Joe Mixon will rush for over 1,000 yards and it will spawn infinite think pieces about how you should feel about it.

 

cleveland_brownsCleveland Browns– Of all the controversial stances, the one I’m most committed to and am most comfortable standing alone on is my love of brown jerseys. Wyoming has the best unis in college football, don’t @ me. The Padres died the day they abandoned the brown and yellow. Luckily for me, the Browns name pretty much dictates that they’ll never go away from their noble earthen tones. I had a crisis of faith last year when the Browns went through a redesign. After all, I thought the Browns previous jerseys were by far the best in the league, and this new-fangled set was an eye sore! But something clicked and I’m back in. They’re a little clunky, but I love the Browns jerseys again. I’m sure this puts all of you at ease.

Oh, yeah, the actual team is going to stink, but they had a big time draft.

Over/Under 4.5 Wins: Under

Key Offseason Move: Willingly inviting (then wisely reconsidering) the creature known as Brock Osweiler into their facilities.

Burning Question: How will the Browns add to the Cavs’ desperate attempt to keep LeBron in town?

Bold Prediction: They’ll still be more relevant than the Jags.

 

AFC SOUTH

indianapolis_coltsIndianapolis Colts– I don’t understand this projection at all. The Colts, who finished last year at 8-8 and enter the season with a mysteriously injured franchise quarterback, are set at 9 wins. Did I miss something? They ended last year with one of the worst offensive and defensive lines again, and responded by doing absolutely nothing about it for the millionth year in a row. They’re baby-soft and, to quote the greatest wordsmith of the 21st century, couldn’t stop a nosebleed. Sure, they just traded for the third-best quarterback in the AFC East, but that won’t help much after both he and Andrew Luck get hurt since the sieve masquerading as an offensive line will let pressure in every single play. I just can’t look at this roster and envision a good team.

Over/Under 9 Wins: Under

Key Offseason Move: Signing Jabaal Sheard

Burning Question: Will they hang a “finished 7-9 in 2017-18” banner?

Bold Prediction: Andrew Luck will play less than 10 games and refuse to blame his inept front office for torpedoing his career because he’s too nice.

 

houston_texansHouston Texans– A week ago, I would have said this Texans season was going to be easy to predict: Like last year, a great defense is let down by an inept offense and their own inevitable destiny, culminating in a disappointing playoff loss. But now I’m not so sure. Far be it from me to trivialize a hurricane that displaced millions of people, but natural disasters typically give teams an extra bit of mojo. Whatever the line is for the first game in Houston, they’ll double it. They deserve to have a lot of luck in close games, and you should feel bad about yourself if you resent them for it.

Butttttttttttttttt, this is still a flawed team. Yes, it’ll be one of the two or three best defenses in the league. But the options at quarterback are Tom Savage, who sucks, and DeShaun Watson, who’s a rookie. Obviously any offensive numbers are going to be skewed when you start Brock Osweiler, but this was undoubtedly one of the three worst offenses in the entire league last year. This defense is good, but it’s not 2000-Ravens-Level good. In the coming years, if Watson can develop, they’ll become more dynamic on O, but for now, it’s going to hold them back. I guess this season was easy to predict, after all.

Over/Under 8.5 Wins: Over

Key Offseason Move: https://www.youcaring.com/victimsofhurricaneharvey-915053

Burning Question: Does my snark have limits? Turns out yes.

Bold Prediction: They will somehow find a way to win this juggernaut division.

 

tennessee_titansTennessee Titans– The Titans are this year’s stock “hot team on the rise,” and it’s easy to see why. They finished last year as the 11th-best offense in yards per game, and third in rushing yards per game. Marcus Mariota looked like the truth before his injury. Now he’s back, and they add Eric Decker and first round pick Corey Davis to a previously uninspiring receiving corps and you’ve got a recipe for a lot of points. Then add in their second first round pick, corner Adoree’ Jackson, former Patriot Logan Ryan, and safety Jonathan Cyprien to one of the league’s most leaky pass defenses and you’ve got the full Trendy Sleeper. I’m sure you’ve heard all about them from the guy who’ll bring Game of Thrones jokes to the water cooler three weeks from now. The Titans arrow is pointed squarely up, so is the time now in Nashville?

No, it’s not. At least not this year. This budding empire may be built on pillars of sand. Assuming Derrick Henry becomes more involved this season, the majority of the Titans’ offensive playmakers have played three years or less, quarterback included. That doesn’t always work. Is Logan Ryan going to be the first player to thrive long-term after leaving Belichick’s warm embrace? Cyprien had one good season and got a big payday. That’s never backfired. The defense is still kind of stinky, even with three shiny new pieces. The Titans are coming, just not yet.

Over/Under 8.5 Wins: Over

Key Offseason Move: See Above

Burning Question: How has there not been more backlash that the quarterback for the NFL team in the heart of country music territory is a Hawaiian guy?

Bold Prediction: They’ll be the most used team in Madden online this year.

 

jacksonville_jaguarsJacksonville Jaguars– Don’t look now but the Jags have been runners up for the coveted Offseason Super Bowl two of the last three years. Florida teams love spending recklessly in free agency and building impossible-to-live-up-to hype. This year they bring in Calais Campbell and corner A.J. Bouye to a very underrated defense that was top five in passing yards allowed. They’ll be stout on that side of the ball, no denying it. The problems for them are on offense.

They have a talented group of skill guys, and 4th overall pick Leonard Fournette could be an immediate force. But the success of their entire team rests on Blake Bortles taking a massive step forward. I’m sorry, but that’s not a sentence conducive to winning football games.

Over/Under 6.5 Wins: Under

Key Offseason Move: Not finding a way to circumvent NFL uniform rules and change their godawful jerseys

Burning Question: If they just stopped playing, would anyone notice or care?

Bold Prediction: There will be multiple salacious shots of the pool every game.

 

AFC WEST

oakland_raidersOakland Raiders– Last year’s Trendy Sleeper actually lived up to the hype until MVP-candidate Derek Carr’s season-ending injury in week 16. They had the 4th most efficient passing attack last season, and could, by combining a fresh Marshawn Lynch with their elite offensive line, balance out their offense and become unstoppable. Or maybe Marshawn is old and rusty. If that’s the case, the sledding will obviously get a lot tougher for the suddenly one-dimensional offense.

The defense is….not good outside Khalil Mack. They had the fewest sacks in the entire league and struggled against the pass. Still, it was good enough to win 12 games, but I wonder if they can sustain the magic they had last year. They won 9 games by 8 points or less last year. Records in close games are largely random year to year, so regression in that area is nearly inevitable. They also recovered the second most fumbles in the league, another essentially random stat that is impossible to duplicate. The Raiders may be in for a rude awakening in the luck department.

Over/Under 10 Wins: Under

Key Offseason Move: Signing Oakland native Beast Mode

Burning Question: If the Autumn Wind is a Raider, is that why they’re so bad in winter?

Bold Prediction: The Raiders will continue to be the most popular team in L.A.

 

kansas_city_chiefsKansas City Chiefs– Another team on my list of top five helmets, the Chiefs might also be the team that scared me the most in the AFC if Andy Reid showed some balls and started Pat Mahomes. They’ve got everything else: a swarming, playmaking defense that can stop anyone when it’s right. No matter who’s running the ball, it seems like they always get five yards a carry. They don’t really have any receivers, but that flaw is only magnified by the continued reliance on Alex Smith. On some level, I get it. You know what you’re getting with him. He’s smart, he’s steady, and he takes care of the ball. But he’s also overly cautious and a limited passer. Pat Mahomes is anything but limited when it comes to throwing the ball. He’s got an Aaron Rodgers-level arm. Yeah, he’s a rookie, but I’d rather roll the dice trying to be great than stick with the hyper-conservative Smith. The good people of Kansas City can only see so many 6 yard completions on 3rd & 8 before all that barbecue takes its toll on their hearts.

Over/Under 9 Wins: Over

Key Offseason Move: Trading for linebacker Reggie Ragland

Burning Question: Will Alex Smith finally set the record for career check-down passes?

Bold Prediction: They’ll go on a nine-game winning streak at some point in the season.

 

denver_broncosDenver Broncos– Speaking of teams I’d be terrified of if they had a competent QB. Alex Smith is miles (get it? Because Denver is a mile high) better than anyone on the Broncos roster. They just brought Brock Osweiler back they’re so desperate! This is the best defense in the AFC, they have two receivers with multiple 1,000 yard seasons, signed Jamal Charles, who I think still has plenty left in the tank if he can stay healthy, and they’re trotting Trevor Siemian out at quarterback. That’s terrible. I’d feel bad for the rest of the roster if I didn’t know they’d wind up with home field advantage and beat the Pats in the playoffs if they had anyone better calling signals. They won’t allow more than 17 points per game and they’ll still be outscored on the season.  Makes me question who’s really running things in Denver.

Over/Under 8.5 Wins: Over

Key Offseason Move: Signing Jamal Charles

Burning Question: “Burning” Question, get it? Because weed is legal in Colorado. Get it? You got it, don’t lie, man.

Bold Prediction: Aqib Talib will shoot Siemian, Osweiler, and Paxton Lynch on the sideline.

 

los_angeles_chargersSan Diego Los Angeles Chargers– The ultimate “if they could stay healthy” team, the Chargers’ first two draft picks have already been cursed with the Charger injury bug before the season even started. This is actually a pretty good team if everyone actually plays. The problem is, that literally never happens. Keenan Allen plays two games a year. Every snap and offensive lineman blows their knee out. Their post-Tomlinson running backs go down like flies. The U.S. Government needs to create our own knighting system just so we can knight Phil Rivers for what he did last year. Throwing for almost 4,400 yards and 33 TD’s with Tyrell Williams as his number one receiver and the most makeshift of makeshift offensive lines is a minor miracle. If, if, Keenan Allen, Mike Williams, and Melvin Gordon can stay healthy for most, not even all, just most, of the season, they’ll dramatically improve on their generally lackluster offense from last year. With their underrated, top ten in DVOA defense lead by stud D-End Joey Bosa, the Chargers could make a surprise playoff appearance. This is the post-post-post-post hype Chargers, and they’re finally ready to take a step forward. Unless they get hurt.

Over/Under 7.5 Wins: Over

Key Offseason Move: Trading for the immortal Cardale Jones

Burning Question: Why the hell did they move to Los Angeles?

Bold Prediction: The Arnold clip will survive the move to L.A.

NFC Preview Coming Thursday

Just a Quick Shoutout to the Cleveland Cavaliers

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By now I’m sure you’ve heard that the proposed blockbuster trade between the Celtics and Cavaliers was finally, after a tumultuous week of rumors and speculation, officially approved. Kyrie Irving is a Celtic. Isaiah Thomas, Jae Crowder, Ante Zizic, and what will inevitably be the number one overall pick in the 2018 draft (can’t forget that random second round pick the Cavs worked so hard to get!) are now in the Land. The merits of this trade have been debated relentlessly, and will probably continue to be debated until the draft pick’s career comes to an end. I’ve gone back and forth on it, but there’s no point in having a strong opinion of it yet. I’ve been going on and on about how the Celtics should keep the picks at all cost, but I like getting someone of Irving’s caliber and age. That’s not the point of this, though. I just wanted to give a quick shoutout to the Cavs and Dan Gilbert, the grimiest, most self-important, most inexplicably arrogant piece of shit in pro sports.

Seriously, how did the Cavs think they could pull this kind of stunt? Trying to shake the Celtics down for an additional first round pick or Jayson Tatum/Jaylen Brown? Because Isaiah’s injured? Even though the Celtics informed the Cavs about the injury at every turn and it was widely reported by every news outlet he was injured weeks before the trade? Huh? I knew Isaiah was hurt and might need surgery that would cause him to miss a significant portion of the season. And the Cavs, one of the two or three most influential teams in the NBA, didn’t? How does that work? The Cavs knew about it and Dan Gilbert, in his infinite wisdom, figured he could hold the Celtics over a barrel and take absolutely everything from them. For a player who everyone knew wanted out. I’m typically not a big business ethics guy, but I don’t think this is really the best way to build relationships and trust throughout the league. “Hey, I know you were transparent and we understood it, but after we had the physical we’re going to act like we had no idea about any of it.” Good work, Dan! You got a second round pick for your troubles. Congrats. Good luck getting anyone to trade with you ever again. But that’s just Gilbert. He’s convinced he’s the smartest guy ever and is obsessed with becoming some cross between Petyr Baelish and Julius Caesar. He thinks he’s this influential behind-the-scenes guy who doubles as a beloved leader of an organization. He thinks he’s the face of the Cavs. And he wonders why LeBron left the first time and why he’s going to leave again. It’s because of you, man! Your own players hate you. Everyone that works for you hates you. Other owners hate you. Anyone who doesn’t use Quicken Loans hates you. Your team is going to stink after next season, and I hope it stinks forever.

Poor Isaiah, by the way. The guy poured everything he had into the Celtics. He became the heart and soul of the team almost instantly. He played a playoff game, and played well, the day after his sister’s tragic death. Don’t know if you’ve heard, but he was the last pick in the draft and is generously listed at 5’9″. Through hard work, dedication, and sheer force of will, he turned himself into a multi-time all star and made 2nd team All NBA last year. All that just to get dragged through the mud by Dan freaking Gilbert. He made him seem like damaged goods. He made it seem like it was a huge burden for him to take on one of the best offensive players in the league. Great way to build team chemistry. He hasn’t played a second for the Cavs, and they’ve already treated him worse than the Kings or Suns ever did, and they treated him like absolute shit. I guess it just feeds into his story. It wouldn’t feel right if he wasn’t discounted at every turn. I’m an Isaiah fan for life, and nothing would make me happier than if he told Dan Gilbert to screw next offseason.

Fantasy Football Tips 2017

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You play fantasy football. I play fantasy football. Everyone in America plays fantasy football. And, now that preseason week 3 is officially #done, it’s prime drafting SZN. If you already had your draft, well, you’re stupid and I hope you drafted Julian Edelman and Cameron Meredith. Never draft before preseason week 3. That’s tip #1.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “There’s 5 million other fantasy football draft advice columns out there, and every single one is more reputable than this one. Why should I read it?” Good question. I’m sure you’ve already consumed an infinite amount of fantasy football material in preparation for your draft. You’ve got your strategy all lined up, you’re feeling good, you can practically taste that trophy, it’s so close. But then you choke and take Justin Tucker 3rd round. It happens to everyone. Everyone except me, that is.

You see, I’m something of a fantasy football savant. I think I’ve been playing legitimately since my freshman year of high school, so about ten years (yikes). In that decade, there are more years where I’ve won more than one league than years where I’ve won zero. There’s no evidence of this, so you’ll have to take my word for it. Tip #2 is that my word is law when it comes to fantasy football. But again, despite establishing my bona fides, why should you care about my advice? After all, why not go to ESPN or NFL.com or Yahoo and have eight different guys tell you that Isaiah Crowell and Ryan Tanehill Jameis Winston are the hot fantasy names this year that you just have to have on your team? And listen, I get it. Those other places are safe. You know what you’ll get from them, and if you follow their instructions to a T, you won’t come in last. Cool. I’d rather swing for the fences. Despite what annoying people who talk trash about week to week fantasy results will tell you, the only skill involved in succeeding in fantasy football is research and making educated guesses. The rest is all luck. So if you go into your draft with the same research and gameplan as everyone else, where’s your edge? You don’t have one anymore. That’s where I come in. Want to win in fantasy? Zig when everyone zags. Think outside the box. Most importantly, follow my leadership. I’ll steer you in the right direction. Tip #3 is that this is the only draft kit you’ll ever need.

Basic Draft Advice

  • Wait as long as possible to take a quarterback. Or don’t. It’s your team.
  • Spot positional deficiencies. Are there only five good running backs in the league? If you draft all of them, everyone’s going to have to come to you to get one.
  • Switch things up and take a kicker in the third to last round. It’ll get everyone else scrambling and now you can pick up that late round sleeper you thought would be gone.
  • Don’t use a player’s name as a pun for your team name. No one thinks it’s funny and everyone hates you.
  • Line it up so every player on your team has their bye week at the same time. If you come out with an empty roster that week, your opponent won’t know what to do and might panic. It’s a mental game, folks.
  • Every defense is the same and the level of week to week variance is astronomical. It literally doesn’t matter who you have.
  • If your league is drafting in-person, stay silent the entire time. Everyone will think you’re sick and underestimate you, or they’ll think you’re up to something and get all their precious sleepers way too early, leaving all the players who will actually be good to you.
  • Even if you know who you’re going to pick, switch up the amount of time it takes to submit your pick. It’ll keep everyone else on their toes and might frustrate some.

Sleepers

  • Tom Brady- Thanks to his patented sleep ware line, no one gets a better, more fulfilling night’s sleep than Tom Brady.
  • Randy Moss- People forget that Randy Moss set the single season record for most touchdown receptions. And now he’s going undrafted in most leagues? Scoop him up late and reap the rewards.
  • Chad Henne- Blake Bortles is going to get benched this season. You’ll thank me when that happens and you have the Henn-meister on your squad.
  • Joe Mixon, Ezekiel Elliot, Josh Gordon, Martavis Bryant, Michael Floyd, Doug Martin- Want to win in fantasy football? Leave your morals at the door. Become the guy with enough courage to take the suspended guys and scumbags.
  • Tyrod Taylor- He gets like, three points per game less than Aaron Rodgers.

Busts

  • Brock Osweiler- He is bad at football. Don’t draft him.
  • Odell Beckham- Sure, he’s had the most prolific start to a career in NFL history, but can he handle the bright lights of New York? I don’t think so. Stay away.
  • Ryan Tannehill- Hard to finally take that next step when he can’t walk anymore. Because he blew out his knee. And won’t play this season. Get it?
  • Russell Wilson- screen-shot-2017-08-28-at-5-29-39-pm-2-640x6011screen-shot-2017-08-28-at-5-29-39-pm-2-640x601screen-shot-2017-08-28-at-5-29-39-pm-2-640x6012
  • Any Jet- If you wind up with someone from the Jets on your roster, you probably did something wrong.

Hot Rookies

  • Leonard Fournette- Word on the street is this guy might have some potential.
  • Austin Carr- One white Patriots receiver out, one white Patriots receiver in.
  • O.J. Howard- Hey, this guy was on Hard Knocks! He must be good!
  • Stacy Coley- He’s a receiver for the Vikings. Just kind of picked a random guy.
  • Kevin White- With Kevin White coming back from injury (again) it’s like the Bears had another first round pick this year!

Punter Ranking Because the True Players Add in Punting Points

  1. Marquette King
  2. Johnny Hekker
  3. Bryan Anger
  4. Bradley Pinnion
  5. Sam Martin

Top Guys to Take Early If You Want an Excuse Ready for Why Your Team Stinks

  • Ben Roethlisberger
  • Darren McFadden
  • Keenan Allen
  • Rob Gronkowski
  • Sammy Watkins

I think that’s all you need. Follow your gut for the rest. Let me know if you followed my instructions and how badly you dominated your league. Actually, whether or not you used this, don’t tell me. Because even though I’m a fantasy savant, I still don’t care about your fantasy team.

Celtics Acquire Kyrie Irving

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Well, didn’t see this coming when I woke up this morning. Celtics get Kyrie Irving for Isaiah Thomas, Jae Crowder, Ante Zizic, and the Nets’ unprotected first round pick in 2018. That’s a lot. A lottttttttttttttttt to give up. Say goodbye to the Marvin Bagley/Michael Porter dream duo. Also say goodbye to the logjam of wing players and big men, which is definitely a positive, and could open the door for a for a big time Jaylen Brown second season.

Anyway, always said I was a big Kyrie guy, everyone knows that. Always been at the front of the Kyrie bandwagon. He’s better than Curry, right? He better be, to give up all of that. Still, that’s the way NBA trades work. To get a player of Kyrie’s pedigree and track record, you have to give up a lot. It would have been nice to keep Zizic, but when you have a chance to acquire one of the most purely talented scorers and ballhandlers in league history, you do it and figure it out later. They avoid the Isaiah quandary next offseason and gain an extra year of control on the best player on the roster. The rotation is shaping up a little more now, although it would have been reeeeeeeeeealllly nice to have the one guy in the East who can guard Kyrie still on the roster. Can’t really fault them for not foreseeing that Kyrie would get sick of LeBron, but still. It was a bad trade then and it’s a horrible trade now. Celtics’ backcourt might be the worst defensively in the league. Oh, well. Maybe they think Isaiah’s injury is worse than it appears. I think I’ve talked myself into this. 2017-18 championship parade is back on.

Reason 53,395,392 the NBA is fixed: first game of the season is Celtics vs Cavs and the Cavs will get the number one pick when LeBron leaves again.

What Could Happen During the Eclipse

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There’s an eclipse today. Don’t know if you’ve heard. It’s all anyone can talk about. Eclipse this, eclipse that. Were I someone else, I might complain of eclipse fatigue. But, while most of the country is content to merely risk their eyesight by staring directly at the sun for minutes at a time and leave it at that, I recognize the significance of an eclipse. Sure, it’s not as fun or mystical as a blood moon, but an eclipse can still shake up the natural order of things. What’s up becomes down, left becomes right, inside becomes out. Eclipses only last a few minutes, but can still have lasting effects. Before you start panicking and start preparing like it’s Y2K again, take a deep breath and relax, because, as usual, I have all the answers. Sometimes people can be caught off guard by the topsy-turvy nature of eclipses, but I have foreseen all of it. Here are just a few things to look for in the couple days to come.

Animals Will Start Acting Crazy

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It’s common knowledge that animals don’t like eclipses. Dogs will start barking, cats will get all upset, the whole deal. But don’t expect Fido to just go back to normal after the eclipse. Maybe he’ll start walking on his hind legs all the time. Maybe horses will want people food. Maybe cats will start swimming. Maybe the dogs will start walking people. Perhaps, because of the bizarre power instilled in the animals from a solar event lasting mere seconds, the oxen and beasts of the field will shed the yoke of labor and force it on their former masters. Maybe it’s a metaphor for the fact that in the new post-eclipse world it will be impossible to distinguish between the supposedly civilized humans and the feral creatures of the wilderness. I can only relay the messages I get from the crystal ball, not interpret them.

People May Accomplish Feats of Great Strength

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Again, this isn’t a blood moon and I live in the realm of reality, so I’m not going to predict everyone is going to momentarily gain super powers or anything. But that doesn’t mean something special won’t be in the air. Don’t be surprised if you’ve got a little extra pep in your step when you’re clanging iron in the gym or if that jar opens a little easier than usual. There might be a hundred home runs hit tonight across the MLB. Seeing a solar eclipse sends signals to an old, animalistic part of the brain that is dormant for pretty much every second of your life. But when activated by the eclipse, it stimulates your muscles and releases special pheromones that increase natural strength levels to supernatural proportions. It’s science. It’s a fleeting strength, gone after a few moments, so don’t try anything too dangerous. I don’t want to hear about anyone getting caught under a vending machine tomorrow.

Bad Quarterbacks Will Become Good

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I know what you’re thinking. “This is such a specific and odd thing that affects a minuscule portion of the population there’s no way it can be true.” I assure you, it is. The same way the eclipse raises our strength, it also improves our abilities to throw objects accurately and read defenses. It’s already happening, too. Trevor Siemian was just named Broncos starter. The Jets are confident about both Josh McCown and Christian McCaffrey. The Browns traded for Brock Osweiler solely because they knew an eclipse was coming and were hoping this brief moment of clarity would unlock all that potential once and for all. I know it sounds far fetched, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the NFL somehow orchestrated the eclipse to help build parity throughout the league.

Food Will Taste Worse

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Look, I’m dealing in cold, hard facts. No one wants to hear that their food is going to taste bad, but, unfortunately, it is. We’re losing out on valuable minutes of sunlight, here. Who knows what that will do to fruits and vegetables that need the sun to grow. Now instead of getting picked at the perfect time, they’re getting picked two and a half minutes early. I don’t think I need to tell you why that’s a big deal. Say goodbye to ripe fruit for a while. No more crisp, healthy veggies on your table. Not to mention the fact that all the aforementioned animals that you like to eat like to eat the fruits and vegetables that will now be a little less ripe that ideal, potentially compromising their own flavor. It’s a good thing my diet is primarily comprised of synthetic and processed food, otherwise I might be a little upset.

Ballers Will Become the Best Show On TV

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Oh, wait, it already is.

(Just a quick Ballers aside, it might legitimately be the most impressive piece of world building ever put on screen. I mean, think about all the absurd things that have happened just this season (spoiler alert, but let’s be honest, you’ve already watched every episode): the supposed third best defensive tackle in the league (and maybe worst actor in history) would willingly give up multiple millions of dollars to get a $20,000 sponsorship from a weed company. Ricky Jarrett lost over $2 million playing craps and then got picked up a nasty case of CTE like you would catch a cold. The head coach of the Dolphins, one of the most historic, rich, and popular franchises in the NFL, wears generic Under Armour gear when coaching as apposed to, you know, Dolphins stuff. One of The Rock’s sexual partners wears a shirt from his real-life Under Armour line, only in this universe there is no Rock since The Rock is Spencer Strasmore. Spencer, a random sports agent, is the driving force behind the Raiders moving to Las Vegas, and still the least realistic thing to happen is that Jerry Jones, who may or may not exist in the Ballers-verse, would ever concede decision making power to anyone, let alone Shooter McGavin. I love this show.)

You Will Forget About the Eclipse Two Seconds After It Happens

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Of all the predictions I’ve made, this is the one I’m most sure about. Part of the reason I even wrote this was so that I myself would remember it happened. Eclipses bring lots of arcane magic with them that I don’t fully understand, but none of it is as powerful as their capacity to make everyone forget they happen the moment they end. Come tomorrow, you will forget Eclipse 2017 was ever something that captivated the nation. This will all seem like a dream, if anything. A distant memory from another life. A brief phenomenon that didn’t change your life whatsoever. Hope you kept your receipt for your eclipse glasses, because you may not even know why you got them, soon.

Falcons’ New Stadium Will Have a Chick-fil-a, Which Won’t Be Open on Sundays

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source– Sure, most everyone loves Chick-fil-A, but the popular restaurant chain will be closed during a majority of the Falcons’ home games in 2017 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, according to ESPN sports business reporter Darren Rovell.

In fact, the only day the Chick-fil-A inside the stadium will be open, is on December 7, when the Falcons host the Saints on Thursday night.

I cannot possibly overstate how much I love this move. It’s genius. Pure, unadulterated genius by Chick-fil-a. Outside Taco Bell, no fast food company understands human nature and the marketing game quite like Chick-fil-a. The fastest way to get someone to want something is to tell them they can’t have it. Anytime I drive past a Chick-fil-a on Sunday, my cravings for the sweet, succulent chicken sandwiches go through the roof. It’s all I can think about. My desire to spend money at Chick-fil-a consumes me. And I’m only one guy. When the dozens of Falcons fans who’ll pack Mercedes-Benz Stadium walk by the ghostly visage of a closed Chick-fil-a, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be working at an Atlanta area Chick-fil-a come Monday mornings in the fall. Talk about a mob scene. I guarantee this sends business skyrocketing. Chick-fil-a is going to make a killing off this, once again proving that being closed on Sundays is one of the greatest business decisions of all time. They’re the anti-McDonald’s. If you have a way to keep something exclusive, do it. Don’t make breakfast all day because now no one cares about McDonald’s breakfast. Don’t open Chick-fil-a on Sundays because then no one will experience seeing a closed Chick-fil-a. It’s so simple, but it’s why Chick-fil-a is king.

As for the Falcons, the losses just keep on coming. First, they suffer the worst defeat in the history of professional sports. Then, their new stadium doesn’t even work. And now this. Sure, this is great for Chick-fil-a, but it’s horrible for the Falcons. What were they thinking? How can you let yourselves, an NFL team coming off an albeit doomed Super Bowl appearance, get completely dominated by a fast food joint? I’ve never seen anyone get cucked harder than this. I’d love to have been in the room for when this was pitched. Probably some 45-year-old father of four brought this idea to the board like “Hey, guys, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s get a Chick-fil-a in the stadium! It’s what’s hip with the kids these days, I’ve heard. Sure would be great to have young people talking about the Falcons in a positive light. I sure am tired of getting destroyed on the Twitter, how about you fellas?” Great idea, man! Too bad Chick-fil-a is run by geniuses (they’re probably not geniuses they’re just really religious, but accidental genius is still genius) who would never pass up an opportunity to build business and throw their balls on the table like this. I bet the Falcons paid for everything, too. The probably bought the franchising rights, paid for the construction, hired the staff, took care of all the overhead costs, everything. Too bad they forgot Chick-fil-a bends for no man. Unbelievable. This is why it amazes me every time I see people say the Falcons are going to be good this year. Are you kidding? This franchise is completely and utterly broken. The Patriots killed them. The losses keep piling up with no end in sight. The players all snapped and hate each other. The coaches are going to be second guessing everything they do. They’re going to treat closing the retractable roof as a real accomplishment. Their legion of devoted fans disappeared as quickly as it burst onto the scene. They’re getting mercilessly dunked on by Chick-fil-a. It’s over for the Falcons. They might not win a game this season. Honestly I’d be surprised if they did. It’s going to take something monumental to get this franchise back on the right track, and I see that miracle happening anytime soon.