So, anything happen last night? Besides the draft, can’t think of much. Pretty quiet night in terms of the NBA. Everything went according to plan, no real excitement. Wait, what’s that? The Bulls finally traded Jimmy Butler? And not to the Celtics? I almost couldn’t believe it.
Honestly, this trade really annoyed me. Not that someone else got Jimmy Butler. As anyone who has read any of my thoughts on the NBA could tell you, I was not overly eager for the Celtics to get Jimmy Butler. But mostly because the Bulls were asking for every single draft pick the Celtics had until 2075 and half the roster. Then they turn around and give Butler to the Timberwolves, who were still run by Bulls’ front office arch-nemesis Tom Thibodeau last time I checked, for two players and a pick swap? Are you kidding me? Zach LaVine and Kris Dunn? Seriously? That’s all it takes? I love LaVine, but who knows what he’s gonna look like next year after his knee injury. Kris Dunn is trrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssshhhhhhhhhhh. Then they give up the 16th pick to thank the TWolves for taking their best player off their hands? And then they take Lauri Markkanen 7th overall? How can these people run an NBA team? To think the biggest display of idiocy by a front office last night didn’t involve Phil Jackson is dumbfounding. Even the Kings made good moves last night! Were the Bulls asleep? Were they drugged? Have they ever watched basketball before? Honestly, no profession in the world has more accepted incompetence than NBA GM. The morons that 90% of teams have running their billion-dollar franchises shouldn’t be trusted to manage a Bruegger’s Bagels. How can you go from asking the Celtics for absolutely everything to accepting the TWovles table scraps? And if you’re now committed to a rebuild, how do you not take someone with a higher ceiling than Lauri Markkanen? Dennis Smith, Malik Monk, OG Anunoby, even Donovan Mitchell were still there. Or, I don’t know, don’t give up your own first round pick, too and take someone like Harry Giles at 16. I just can’t believe how poorly they handled this trade. Now I’m pissed that Butler’s not on the Celtics, because apparently all they would have had to give up was Marcus Smart and Terry Rozier then swap picks. So annoying. Hey, Bulls, you stink!
Anyway, there was an actual draft last night. Most of it kind of went according to plan. No big shockers, besides maybe Malik Monk falling to number 11. Still, there’s plenty to talk about. I guess I should get used to Jayson Tatum now that a potential trade is probably off the board (I know, I can’t believe it, either). After throwing up multiple times thinking about the abomination that is St. Louis-style pizza, I was able to listen to him talk for a bit. If nothing else, at least he seems like a good guy who’s going to commit to the team. That shouldn’t be taken for granted, but I still have concerns. It doesn’t help that he’s the internet’s least favorite player.
Oh, well. Guess the Celtics are just going to punt on this year again, possibly get multiple picks in the top five, and trade both of them for future picks and take guys with no ceiling again. Sweet. Love Danny Ainge, man. Best in the business. On to what I liked and didn’t like.
Things I Liked
Markelle Fultz to Philadelphia
Dennis Smith to Dallas
Josh Jackson to Phoenix
Lavar Ball’s interviews
Malik Monk to Charlotte
All the old tweets that were dug up
OG Anunoby to Toronto
All the Kings picks (De’Aaron Fox, Justin Jackson, Harry Giles, Frank Mason)
All the Lakers picks besides Lonzo (Kyle Kuzma, Josh Hart, Thomas Bryant)
Jordan Bell to Golden State
The huge number of random picks that were in the stands
Frank Jackson to New Orleans
John Calipari continuing to stay ten steps ahead of every other coach
Things I Didn’t Like
Celtics not getting Markelle Fultz, Josh Jackson, or Jonathan Isaac
Jonathan Isaac going to the barren wasteland of Orlando
The Bulls. Literally everything they did
Bam Adebayo at 14
John Collins to Atlanta
Derrick White to San Antonio (I just wanted to be the only guy not praising them for this pick)
Devin Robinson going undrafted
Anyone mentally weak enough to stop watching before all 60 picks have been announced
Not enough Fran Fraschilla
Everyone’s suit is too conservative and classy now. Nothing to make fun of
There’s nothing quite like the NBA offseason. The crazy trades. The traitorous free agency decisions. The emoji wars on Twitter. In the week since the Finals ended, every day has had more drama than a Daniel Day-Lewis movie (R.I.P), and we haven’t even hit free agency yet! Dwight Howard was traded for a Plumlee, completing one of the most self-inflicted falls from grace in human history. The Lakers decided to give up on D’Angelo Russell after two years because…….? and traded him to the Nets in a move that somehow screwed the Celtics over twice. Phil Jackson has mysteriously put Kristaps Porzingis on the trading block (I doubt he’ll be traded), leading every fan base to rush to Photoshop to see what he’d look like in their jersey. But tonight is my favorite part of the NBA offseason, draft night. I’ve got my DiGiorno. I’ve got my spot on the couch picked out. I’m ready to be disappointed. Is it possible to go from all in on someone to all out on someone in a few days? Because that’s what I’m feeling now. Look at this:
Jayson Tatum says his No. 1 pick in the food draft would be St. Louis-style pizza. Never knew that was even a thing.
??????????????????? What the hell is St. Louis-style pizza? Why would he pick a fake food over all the other quality foods that have a right to go number one overall? Now I’m seeing him in a new light. Now all his flaws clearly counteract his strengths. Now he’s just the exact same prospect we’ve seen in every single draft that does absolutely nothing. I can’t believe the Celtics are seriously going to take an un-athletic Tobias Harris number three overall. Hey Danny, draft Josh Jackson please!
You can go anywhere on the internet and find a mock draft, so I decided I’d just say which prospects I like and who I don’t like. That way, the only thing I can be wrong about is if they’re good or not, not if they’re good or not and what team takes them.
Guys I Like
Markelle Fultz- Oh, what might have been
Josh Jackson- Come on, Danny, think of him and Jaylen Brown on defense together! I’m aroused, aren’t you?
De’Aaron Fox- Completely dominated Lonzo twice. A sign of things to come for one of them
Jonathan Isaac- Anthony Randolph with a jumper. Guy could be the best player in the draft or be out of the league in four years
Dennis Smith- I like him a lot, especially if you can get him outside the top 10
Malik Monk- Don’t know if you’ve heard this before, but the NBA is all about 3-point shooting these days
OG Anunoby- People are acting like he’s dead. It’s just a torn ACL. It’s 2017, he’s probably already fully healthy. He’ll the best defensive player in the draft, just take him
Harry Giles- Speaking of not dead yet. His injuries are considerably worse than OG’s, but if you’re not in the lottery, absolutely no reason not to roll the dice
Bam Adebayo- Mostly because he’s projected to go so low
Guys I Don’t Like
Lonzo Ball- As I’ve said before, I don’t think he’s that good
Unbelievable. That’s really all I have to say. Unbelievable. In the back of my head, I knew this would happen, but my heart wanted to believe. I wanted to live in a world where the years of planning and trading and positioning and rumors would finally lead to something. A tangible result. A sign that, yeah, there’s a clear direction here and everyone knows what they’re doing. But now? I don’t really know anymore.
You’re going to tell me that all you got for the number one pick was a swap this year and a pick next year that they can only get if it falls between 2 and 5? Seriously? One additional draft pick? For the number one pick? And to a team in your own division? The Sixers were demanding Brooklyn picks, Avery Bradley, Marcus Smart, Isaiah Thomas, Kevin McHale’s retired jersey, and a lifetime of free meals from Union Oyster House for Nerlens Noel last year. And you give them the number one pick for pretty much nothing? Now, this trade technically won’t be official until tomorrow, so I’m hoping there’s more to it. But if it’s just for next year’s pick/2019’s pick? Then what was the point?
Now, maybe they just needed to get another top pick in order to make the long sought after big trade and still have something for the future. But if that player is Jimmy Butler or, God forbid, one season of Paul George I’ll lose my mind. I’m in Denver now, maybe I’ll just become a Nuggets fan. Or just go full heel and jump on the Warriors. JIMMY BUTLER, AL HORFORD, AND ISAIAH THOMAS AREN’T ENOUGH TO WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP. I’m just assuming Danny Ainge knows that, too. Celtics trade rumors are literally never true. This trade pretty much came out of nowhere. Maybe Ainge has something unexpected in the works. Or, maybe he doesn’t. Then, I ask again, what was the point?
Perhaps the most logical explanation is that they just didn’t think Markelle Fultz was The Guy. I did, but I’m just some schmo. If they didn’t think Fultz was their man, and knew the Lakers would get suckered into taking Lonzo Ball, moving down to three to get the guy they actually want makes some sense. It’s also going to free up some cap space in case they wanted to make any big signings in the offseason. In the immediate aftermath of the trade, all the pundits were saying Josh Jackson was going to be the pick. But why, though? He’s an athletic wing and tough defender who competes hard on both ends despite a less-than-refined skill set. So, Jae Crowder? Celtics already have that, and they have it for cheap. Unless they just want to flip Crowder for something to get a younger version with more upside, I don’t really see why they would take him. And, assuming the fact that they already have a million guards factored in to the decision to trade the number one pick, I’m hoping and praying that means Lonzo Ball is out of the question, too. Not because of his dad or anything. I just don’t think he’s going to be all that good. That pretty much leaves Jayson Tatum as the logical pick, which I’d be fine with, even with the annoying y in the middle of his name. He reminds me a lot of young Carmelo Anthony. He’s a smooth, if un-explosive, athlete with great size, a very advanced offensive game, and has some good defensive potential. I think he’d fit perfectly at the Celtics’ barren power forward position. He won’t be there defensively in the first few years (what young player is?), but he’ll be able to score right away. After watching some highlights, I’m all in on him now. Give me Tatum, don’t give me Jimmy Butler. Of course, all of this means the Celtics will take Luke Kennard number three and I’m going to want to run into oncoming traffic.
Take a second and think of the greatest upsets of all time. The single game David vs. Goliaths like the 2001 Patriots or 2007 Giants. The season-long triumph of an out-of-nowhere team like Leicester City. The improbable comebacks like the 2004 Red Sox or 2016 Cavaliers. The rare seven game series where an on-paper inferior roster overcomes overwhelming odds to defeat the Super Team across from them, think 2007 Warriors, 2011 Mavericks, and, out newest entry, the 2017 Golden State Warriors.
Against all odds, the team that won 73 games last year and added Kevin Durant has won the championship. But honestly, I think most people saw this coming. They reduced the Cavs, last year’s champion and a Super Team in their own right, to scrappy underdogs who were happy to win one game. In a weird way, this series was both closer than it seemed and not as close as it seemed. The Cavs played well! At least, they did in games 3-5. LeBron was ridiculous, Kyrie got out of his funk and started painting an oeuvre of layups and crazy finishes that I’m not sure anyone who has ever played can match, and Iman Shumpert only hit the side of the backboard once a game. And they lost two out of three. Outside of game 3, the Warriors wins were wins. They completely wiped the floor with them in games 1, 2, and 5. No contest. The scores don’t even come close to reflecting how dominant they were. When the Cavs completely gagged game 3, I thought the Cavs would roll over. But, to their credit, they blew out the Warriors in game 4, then turned around an predictably lost in game 5. Now, of course, as with all things NBA and LeBron, the next question is what does this all mean?
LeBron should get out of this relatively unscathed. While he can’t blow his nose without someone questioning what it means for his legacy, he was amazing again this series. Did everything short of actually shooting the ball in clutch moments. First guy to ever lead both teams in points, rebounds, assists, steals, and blocks in a seven game series. That’s insane. LeBron is still LeBron, no matter who you think holds the fictional torch. In my mind, Kyrie didn’t really change his place in the league, either. He had a perfect Kyrie series: absolutely no defense whatsoever (except when he knows everyone is watching him guard Steph, so he actually tries a little), long stretches where he stinks, but the same number of stretches of utter brilliance. I don’t think anyone’s opinion of him really changed after this series. All the fools who think he’s a top ten player or the second best point guard in the league or better than Steph will stubbornly hold on to that until the day they die. The h8trs, like me (I think I might like him better if he was named, like, Robert or something), still will find places to criticize him. Like on defense. The truth is somewhere in between: offensively, he’s (just a disclaimer here: if you’re in the “80s/90s were better and basketball was real then and this new generation sucks and is watered down” crowd, you should probably stop reading this right now. It’s only going to get worse for you) pretty much the upgraded Allen Iverson: immaculate handles, best finishing around the rim for a little guy ever, much better shooting. Defensively, he’s worse than Steph, who everyone loves to point and laugh at. He is what he is at this point, which is obviously a great player. But unless he suddenly starts caring about defense, I don’t know how much better he can get. Then I gained a lot of respect for Kevin Love this series. His shot wasn’t always falling, but he was battling for his life on the glass and was playing the best defense of his career. He never quit, even when nothing was going down and he was stuck on island after island guarding Kevin Durant and Steph Curry, mostly because Ty Lue is a moron who doesn’t know what he’s doing. He was what Tristan Thompson is advertised as being. Everyone else on the Cavs SUCKED. J.R. got hot the last two games but was nothing before. Shumpert shouldn’t be in the league anymore. Deron Williams has made the “DWill or CP3?” debate seem like it was in another lifetime. Tristan Thompson should get a Depends sponsorship. Richard Jefferson was okay, but you need to use carbon dating to find his age. Kyle Korver was bad. In typical LeBron fashion, he threw subtle shade at his teammates during every postgame press conference. He seems to forget he’s acting GM of the team. And, of course, the classic quote:
LeBron: “I don’t believe I’ve played for a superteam. I don’t believe in that.” pic.twitter.com/gIf0quUafP
On the Warriors side, obviously it’s all good for everyone, except, of course, the haters. This was a perfect playoffs for my newly re-adopted favorite player, Steph Curry. I withdrew during the popularity and backlash, but now that he’s Back, so am I. He was great in pretty much every facet of the game. He’s never played better, and, more importantly, he’s never played better in the postseason. He proved once again that he’s a top 4 player in the league, and (hopefully, but probably not) shut up the people who are very vocal with their belief that Kyrie is better. All the tough guys always love to say “He doesn’t guard the other team’s point guard.” Honestly, who cares? He’s not a strong defender. He’s become underrated because the likes of Russell Westbrook (who will never make another NBA Finals, let alone win his second in three years) love to openly mock him, but he’s still not great. Klay Thompson is. If the other team’s backcourt is Kyrie Irving and J.R. Smith, and one of your guards is an elite perimeter defender, why the hell would you not have him guard the opponent’s best player? The Warriors are smart. They aren’t coached by Ty Lue, so typical positional matchups don’t dictate who is going to guard who. Kyrie guarded Steph every time in the early games because they were point guards. Steph dominated and Kyrie got tired out. LeBron guarded Kevin Durant. Durant dominated and LeBron, despite what he says, got tired out. You’d have to be a complete idiot to keep those defensive matchups more than you need to. Why should Steph be penalized for having a great defensive teammate? I really don’t get it. As for my man Klay, like Kyrie he stayed pretty much the same. Once he got hot, he was the same old Klay. Draymond could never get it going offensively, but he did so many little things on defense that lead to multiple blowouts. Somehow Zaza and Javale McGee are now champions. Somehow James Michael McAdoo is a two-time champion. David West’s insatiable thirst may finally be quenched. Iguodala showed why he’s the sixth man of the year. The fact that Shaun Livingston can even walk, let alone be a contributing member of multiple championship teams, is an accomplishment. Patrick McCaw and Ian Clark were there.
But, obviously, there’s only going to be one man’s name on everyone’s lips: Kevin Durant. What does this mean for his legacy? Did he ruin basketball? Is this title lessened because he had the gall to join an already stacked team? No, it really isn’t. Listen, you can feel however you want to feel about him. The hatred people feel is so deeply ingrained I don’t think there’s anything I can do to sway people. Seriously, you’d think he murdered everyone’s family or something. People call him a coward because he was a free agent. He’s soft, he’s a bitch, whatever. One guy I follow on Twitter tweeted, completely unprovoked and not replying to anything, to Kevin Durant that he was weak. At like, 3 pm today. As if saying that will make him feel bad about himself. You think he cares now? This was a business decision. He used the Warriors just like the Warriors used him. The accomplished their mission. He doesn’t give a damn what you say about him. Would people have been happier if he signed with the Nets? Why are you so mad that he left Oklahoma City? Because they had a good team? Well, the Warriors are good, too. Better, in fact. The whole point of free agency is that players should have some say in where they play. He didn’t want to be in Oklahoma City anymore. He spent nine years there, that’s way more time than anyone needs to spend there. Ever think he was just tired of it? That maybe, just maaaaaaaaaybe, he didn’t want to play with Russell Westbrook? Think about how awful it is to be a Thunder role player. You’re held hostage every game and have to bend over backwards to accommodate the world’s biggest temper tantrum throwing toddler. Now imagine you’re one of the five most naturally gifted players to ever play basketball and you have to do the same thing. Sounds pretty horrible to me. So, he left for an all time great team that knocked him out of the playoffs the year before. Who cares? It’s his choice. What if someone told you you weren’t allowed to leave a job you hate because a bunch of hardos on the Internet would yell at you? If you’re really that upset about him, get up, go outside, and take a nice long walk. Clear your head. Calm your nerves. Then come back and start firing off your tweets. Just don’t you dare say he’s just riding the bandwagon. He was the best player on the floor for either team. It was shocking when he missed a shot. All of a sudden, he’s Theo Ratliff on defense, too. The did more than pull his own weight. He dragged the Warriors over the finish line with his play. This didn’t “ruin basketball.” The Warriors are playing at a level few teams ever can match. Appreciate it while it’s here. The way these things work out, it won’t be permanent. Someone will get hurt, someone will want more money, someone will want their own team. The NBA isn’t closing up shop anytime soon, don’t worry. The Celtics and Bucks are rising in the East. The Spurs, Twolves, and Rockets are coming in the West. LeBron is getting older, and, assuming he gets his wish, the Banana Boat Super Team that comes together in a few years is going to stink. Now isn’t forever. The sun will still rise. The draft is next week. Even more incredibly talented players will join the league, making the “the league is watered down” crowd look worse by the day. The NBA has never been in a better spot. But maybe I’m just more optimistic than most. Maybe I can just look past my own outrage and see the bright future ahead. Maybe I can just see what other people can’t see: a home grown Celtics Super Team on the horizon. So, please, if you’re one of the people who are Mad Online, take a breath. Think happy thoughts. Think of whatever inferior era of basketball your nostalgia is telling you is the best. And listen to the official anthem of the Boston Celtics, the 2018-19 NBA Champions.
Ahh, Wedding Season. Love is in the air, immaculate suits and dresses are being tailored, and many, many, many dollars are exchanging hands because Sarah just has to have a bouquet of white roses at every table, she doesn’t care about shortages and inflated prices. Not many better times of year. This will be my first time experiencing it firsthand. I’m a nuptial neophyte, if you will. After years and years of courtship, some of my friends from college (yeah, I have friends, nbd) are tying the knot, and I couldn’t be happier for them. I can’t wait to sit through the ceremony and revel all night long. There’s nothing else going on, tonight, anyway. Wait, what’s that? Game 4 of the NBA Finals is on? And the Warriors could both finish the sweep and finish a 16-0 postseason? Ughhhh. What’s the NBA doing scheduling a Finals game on a Friday night? Don’t they know people (besides me) always have fun plans Friday night? Who has time to stay and watch a basketball game? Just move it to tomorrow night. It’s just basketball, right? And, no offense to the lovely couple, but who gets married on Friday? Don’t they know people have jobs? Very annoying!
And, of course, the entire thing is at a nice beachfront venue that’s ideal for romantic pictures and outdoor dancing, but very un-ideal for those of us who care more about sports than the people they actually know (mostly just me). Not a TV in the place. Considering I can stream the game on the handy ESPN App™, I’m praying there’s some WiFi. After all, you only get to see LeBron lose in the Finals once a year. But if I have to watch the game on my phone, how am I supposed to tweet my way through it at the same time? Didn’t anyone think about how inconvenient this wedding was for me? Apparently not. Talk about inconsiderate. I was kind of hoping the Cavs would win Wednesday night to avoid this exact scenario. Unfortunately for me, they completely laid down in the last few minutes and were handed one of the most crushing basketball losses I’ve ever seen. There’s no chance whatsoever the Cavs can pick themselves up and win this game. They’re done. They’re broken. The role players had already quit, but know Kyrie and LeBron have, too. At this point, nothing is going to keep Tristan Thompson from making his Saturday morning flight to Barbados. This is over. Warriors might win by 40. So, obviously, no big deal that I’m missing it, right? Well, I live for NBA Finals clinching blowouts. Seeing players like LeBron, Kobe, Durant, or LeBron again sit on the bench dejectedly as the winning team runs it up is great. They produce so many great pictures, videos, and memes. It shapes who the internet will make fun of for the next week. When someone online says that LeBron is probably the most skilled and versatile player ever, instead of considering the facts and forming legitimate arguments for or against, we can all just post a picture of him looking sad on the bench because the rest of his team stinks. And I have to miss that in real time. I pretty much can’t contribute to anything online for the next few days. I have to wait until the next Thing happens. I might as well be 100 years old, unable to figure out this new-fangled telephone my grandkids gave me. What a bummer. At least the couple is happy.
As is usually the case, during the eon-long downtime in between NBA Finals games (which, as LeBron James will tell you, are just basketball games. They aren’t the end of the world. When he wakes up tomorrow, he’ll still have more money and fame than you’ll ever have. But, no, he’s not bitter that someone out-Super Teamed him), we’ve been pelted with teasers and previews for Wednesday night’s game 3. And, as the game is being played in Cleveland, they keep repeating the now-tired phrase “Defend The Land.” The Land meaning Cleveland. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a particularly new nickname. Unsurprisingly, LeBron created it in an effort so seem cool to all his friends in hip hop. It makes sense, too. You can’t spell Cleveland without Land. You can certainly see where people are coming from when they say it. But take a second to really think about it.
The Land. How much land is there in the world? A lot, right? So, something that called The Land must be pretty important, right? Maybe some kind of mystical, sacred ground that ancient people travelled to for worship. Or a booming economic or cultural center that dictates trends throughout the world. Or, at the very least, it has to have some kind of political importance. It has to be something, right? Nope, it’s Cleveland. The arrogance of LeBron to think that anyone outside the state of Ohio thinks of Cleveland as anything but a giant dump. I’ve been to Cleveland, so I’m speaking from experience here: Cleveland sucks. Everything about it is bad. The food stinks. The city is ugly. It’s always so hazy. Their sports teams outside the Cavs are horrible, and since there’s nothing else to do in town, the people are so beaten down and defensive about everything. In fact, the nickname The Land is the perfect snapshot of the people of Cleveland: they have such an inferiority complex they latch on to anything that shows it’s “us-against-the-world” and makes anyone outside the 216 area code notice them and acknowledge that they even exist. Cleveland is nothing. Cleveland is irrelevant. Cleveland isn’t The Land. You can’t Defend it. There’s nothing to defend! What, are people going to steal the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame? Not that! What culture does Cleveland have? What contributions has Cleveland ever made to America? LeBron and Drew Carey? Is that it? And you want to call that place The Land? Why? Not every city gets a nickname. What if, in an alternate reality, I was famous enough to create nicknames and I called my hometown of Rutland, Vermont The Land? Or The City? Or if I called Vermont The State? I hope would get mocked endlessly. You can’t just give something of such little importance a nickname like The Land. I don’t know what place in the world most deserves to be called The Land, but I know for a fact it isn’t a sad-sack place like Cleveland. I pray to God that the good people of Cleveland read this and make me public enemy number one, because that would mean I never have to go there again. Hey, Cleveland, you aren’t The Land, you’re The Dump. Boom, roasted. Rant over.
Last night was the exact reason I was fine with the Celtics losing in the Conference Finals. The Cavs played well the majority of the night, and lost by 20. It wasn’t that close. Celtics would have lost by 60. This series is #done. It’s over. There’s not many teams in NBA history that could beat this Warriors team four out of five games, and this year’s Cavs team sure as hell ain’t one of them.
I mean, I don’t even know what else the Cavs can do at this point. I guess they could start by slowing the game down. I have no idea why they’re insisting on playing a million miles and hour against the best fast-break team in 30 years. They just open themselves up to get gashed time and time again. If you’re playing so fast that the only chance you have of winning a single game in this series is gassed in the third quarter, you’re doing something wrong. They could also stop playing Iman Shumpert, like, at all. Everything about him was always overrated because he played in New York, but he’s arguably the worst player in the league. He’s a defensive specialist who can’t guard anybody, and his offense somehow gets worse every season. They could stop throwing lineups that include exactly zero (0) members of the LeBron-Kyrie-Love big 3. But, hey, LeBron likes Tyronn Lue, so who needs a real coach, right? It’s mostly seen as a joke of a question, but are the Cavs actually missing Matthew Dellavedova? He’s not Gary Payton, or anything, but at least he provided some resistance and tried the whole time. Kyrie, who everyone keeps telling me is better than Steph, was absolutely invisible all game. For all the talk of Steph not guarding him, Kyrie doesn’t guard Steph either, even though he “tries” to. Deron Williams might as well be a mannequin on defense. I don’t know what’s going on with J.R. Maybe last year’s carriage of a performance finally turned back into a pumpkin. And the aforementioned Shumpert is bad. Their guard defense is atrocious. LeBron attacks the rim every time, doesn’t get a call, then stands there berating the official as Kevin Durant comes down for an uncontested dunk. Why can’t the Celtics ever face this horrible version of Tristan Thompson? They always get the guy who dominates the boards and commits to defense. All non-LeBron Cavs have totally quit and I’ll be shocked if they win a game this series.
As for the Warriors, I’m still wrestling with how I feel about them. This is one of the greatest team ever, and probably the best since the ’96 Bulls. But they’re the most widely reviled team this side of the Patriots. People hate that Durant pulled the ultimate ring-chasing move. People hate their antics, lead by Steph and Draymond. People hate the new-fangled 3-point shot and how “soft” they are (despite the fact that they have the best defense in the league and the fact that they shoot just as well at the rim as from deep). I’ve mentioned this before, but the Warriors were always kind of my “second team” when they sucked. I loved their at-the-time quirky playing style (Al Harrington revolutionized the stretch-4 I don’t care what you say), I loved their raucous home crowd before it became a corporate, Silicon Valley wine and cheese, go there to be seen crowd, and, most of all, I loved Monta Ellis-era Steph Curry. The one who wasn’t a two time MVP. The one who wasn’t one of the two-or-three most popular players in the league. The one who no one knew about. It felt like being an exclusive club when you were watching and he got a random triple double or 40-point game. You just never knew what you were going to get. I didn’t have League Pass or anything, so watching the Warriors was a rare treat. Sometimes Steph would get hurt or have a crappy game. Sometimes C.J. Watson would take over. It was basketball-roulette. They were a bad team, but they were the most fun team in the league. Then they drafted Klay Thompson, adding another fun heat-check guy. Then Draymond Green developed. Then, in the blink of an eye, they won 73 games and were on the verge of back-to-back titles. They were a national obsession- both during their rise and during their fall. People looked for any excuse to discredit them. Steph Curry was suddenly overrated. Spend enough time on Twitter and you’ll find plenty of people who think he’s flat-out bad. Any time he wasn’t perfect of defense or had an off night shooting the eye emojis would come out in full force. Steph suddenly sucked because he wasn’t a Russell Westbrook level athlete. No matter if people loved him or hated him, they couldn’t keep his name out their mouths. His fame was so extreme I started to dislike him myself. Draymond started kicking and punching everyone in the nuts. And then Kevin Durant added an almost universal hatred. It’s become so extreme that if you don’t think the Warriors are singlehandedly ruining the sport of basketball (despite the fact that LeBron himself created the free-agency-created Super Team era), you’re an idiot and a social pariah. But, like, when I watch them play, I’m sorry but I kind of enjoy it. They play perfect basketball. They move the ball better and more unselfishly than any team in the league. They’re the best shooting team and have some of the best finishers in the NBA. They play some of the best defense in the last 20 years. I don’t really love that Durant signed there, but he’s so great, especially now that he’s blocking shots left and right. I’ve secretly held on to some of my Steph Curry stock, and nights like last night, when he dominated and Kyrie STINKS, make me happy. I love Klay, and wouldn’t mind seeing what he could do on a different team (Celtics?). I could do without the dick punching, but Draymond’s defense can’t be ignored. So, yeah. I guess I still like the Warriors. Sorry I can both appreciate LeBron’s greatness and the overwhelming greatness of the Warriors. I still feel a little dirty about it, but I’m going to love watching them celebrate.
Wait, basketball is still happening? I almost forgot about it it’s been so long since a game has been played. But, finally, the Finals start tomorrow night. It’s a surprise matchup this season, as no one really saw the Cavs and Warriors clashing for a third straight Finals. But that’s why I say the NBA is the best league: the pure unpredictability of it all. The NHL could learn a thing or two from the NBA, I’ll tell you that much. Like what’s the point of even playing the regular season in the first place? Everyone knew it was going to be Pittsburgh-Nashville in the Finals the whole time. Makes me sick thinking about it. What a joke the NHL is. Worst league EVER.
I love when people go on long rants about how bad the NBA is and how everyone knew what the Finals were going to be the whole year. First of all, the last two Finals were amazing, so if this year is anything like the first two, I’ll be fine with it. Oh, man, I hate seeing LeBron, at worst the second greatest player ever, pushed to his limits by the ultimate super team which was built specifically to beat him. What a bummer. These incredibly exciting games get old fast. I sure wish I could be watching Jazz-Raptors right about now. And this is the thing the “90s were the best NBA era” crowd somehow doesn’t get- this is how the NBA has always been. Basketball, more than any other sport, is controlled by the best players. It has the least amount of active players at one time, and the luck factor (random deflections in front of goal, bloop singles, Edelman/Tyree type catches, etc.) is way, way lesser than other sports. It’s dominated by skill and athleticism, and, surprisingly, the very best players are the most skilled and athletic. So, the teams with the best players win. If you don’t like it, the Stanley Cup Finals are on, and it’s looking like a pretty good series. And spare me the same, tired “The 90s were more competitive!” bullshit. You mean the same 90s where, if Michael Jordan hadn’t taken two years off, one team would have won eight championships in a row? I repeat: the same team would have won EIGHT titles consecutively. As in, one (1) out of the 27-29 teams would have won a championship. “But he beat so many great teams!” Really? If they were so great wouldn’t they have beaten him at least one time? If the Knicks were just so good, wouldn’t they have managed to beat MJ one out of the million times they played? “The 80s were more competitive!” Either the Celtics or Lakers won 8 of the 10 titles. The early 2000s was either Lakers or Spurs. I’m not sure there were any other teams besides the Celtics in the 60s, and the 50s don’t count since black people weren’t allowed to play yet. The 70s is literally the only period of time in NBA history with anything resembling parity. 10 out of 67 NBA seasons, that’s 15% of the time, there were no “super teams.” It just seems worse now because we can see every second of every game and we have infinitely more access. You think the Bullets were going all out every game in 1986? Probably not, because they knew they weren’t beating the Celtics in the East. It’s just so stupid when people complain about the state of the league. The players are better than ever. There’s more good players than ever, and I know it doesn’t seem like it, but more teams have good players than ever. Yes, the game is less physical now. Man, I hate that people aren’t getting injured anymore or that now that teams don’t have a designated roster spot for some thug who takes people out when they’re going to the rim, there are more skilled players than ever. God, I miss the 90s, am I right? And, of course, the the competitiveness argument. Sorry the all-star game sucks. Does it really affect your life that much? And at some point, there’s a line between competitive spirit and futility. I could try as hard as I can against a 54-year-old Michael Jordan in a game of 1-on-1, but I’ll still never beat him. Why should the Hornets go out and make short-sighted signings and trade everything for a fringe all-star because they just gotta win now and be competitive!, when it will make absolutely no difference against LeBron. So, instead of missing the playoffs, you lose second round and no longer have any kind of future or salary cap flexibility. But, at least you tried, right! So stupid. The NBA is smarter now. At least 10 teams now actually know what they’re doing, which is like, five times more than what it usually is. Teams aren’t going to mortgage their future chasing some golden goose that isn’t leaving Cleveland any time soon. I realize it goes against the mindset you need in literally every other sport, but ruling the NBA landscape when you don’t have one of the greatest players or miraculous collection of homegrown talent is an extreme long game. You need patience. You need foresight. You need to make intelligent moves that set you up to win when there’s a vacuum of power. You can only beat today’s version LeBron, Kyrie, and Love if you have three or four All-NBA level players. You know who else has that? Unless you’re the Warriors, the answer isn’t you. That’s why there’s so much tanking and asset-grabbing going on. Teams realize the best way to come out on top in ten years is by having the best young talent, and the best way to get the best young talent is by having the best draft picks. Listen, there’s not another LeBron-level player on anyone’s radar right now. Theoretically, he’s going to retire at some point. That’s when the Celtics moves pay off. That’s when (maybe) the Sixers moves pay off. That’s when the league becomes wide open. That’s when you get your precious competitive balance. For now, this is just the way it is. If you’re going to be mad at anyone, be mad at the league for rigging a million straight lotteries for Cleveland so they could get Kyrie Irving and, by trading Andrew Wiggins, Kevin Love. Besides Kevin Durant, all the Warriors best players were drafted by the team (and not in the top-5, either). As much as everyone hates them, the Warriors have achieved the platonic ideal of a title contender- they drafted excellently, spent money wisely, and added all the right pieces. That’s not the same formula the Cavs, Heat, or even late 2000s Celtics used. So before you start bitching about how many super teams there are and how they’re ruining the game, maybe consider the fact that the Warriors are just smarter than everyone else.
Anyway, with that rant out of the way, we come to the series at hand. Cavs-Warriors Round III. What will happen? Who will rise to the occasion? Who will choke? Well, I’m willing to bet LeBron will show up. Kevin Durant has spent the last year getting yelled at by people online. He’s been called soft. He’s been getting called out for his playoff failures. He’s been called a coward. Don’t you think he’s had enough? This might come back to bite me James Harden style, but I think Durant will absolutely go off this series, But those two will just cancel each other out. Steph Curry has been sizzling all postseason and has his own Finals demons to expel. He’s going to be big. But, despite the fact that I don’t really like him (it’s probably just his face. Or the fact that he fabricated the fact that he’s a flat-earther just to get some attention), I fully expect Kyrie Irving to match everything he does. Facing Steph always brings out the best of his considerable ability. Then there’s Klay Thompson, who’s icy shooting so far this postseason is either a sign of things to come, or the sign of a pending massive breakout. Honestly, in my mind, he’s going to be the key to the whole series. Somehow, one of the greatest shooters of all time’s jumpshot is the biggest variable. We know what LeBron and Durant and Steph and Kyrie will do. Kevin Love, when not guarded by Draymond Green, will provide his typical reliable shooting, passing, and rebounding. Tristan Thompson is going to completely dominate the glass, and may single-handedly win a game or two. Andre Iguodala and Shaun Livingston should dominate the game when the bench units are in. J.R. Smith and Javale McGee have improbably become consistent, known commodities. We’ve seen how these teams match up. We know their strengths, we know their weaknesses. Literally the only thing we don’t know is if Klay Thompson is going to show up. Listen, the Cavs have spent long portions of this season, both regular and post, looking horrible on defense. If they play that way against the Warriors, they’ll get scraped. But, I bet they’ll be a little more attentive to that side of the ball in the Finals. The Warriors have dominated the competition so soundly that it’s lead people to assume they have an extra gear they haven’t gotten to yet. Really, that just means Klay has been cold. Again, if he gets it going, this could be over fast. But what if he doesn’t? What if they play to another draw? What if it goes seven games? Well, I’ll take the team that has LeBron.
It’s been a little while, but we’re back with some more Burning Questions, straight from the People. The Burning Questions Mailbag was starting to get some serious buildup, so I had to give it some release. Plus, what better way to celebrate Memorial Day than answering other people’s important quandaries? Considering how heavily these Questions have been weighing on my readers’ minds, solving their problems kind of puts me in the same class of hero as the brave men and women we’re remembering today, right? I’ll keep telling myself that, at least. As with last time, we have to start with a question from the most important member of the #BurningQuestions community, myself.
Brian asks: Why do some people put toothpaste on their toothbrush before running it under water?
There are of a lot of great mysteries out there. Who was Jack the Ripper? What is the Meaning of Life? What happened to Jimmy Hoffa? What’s up with the Bermuda Triangle? Even the Mysteries of the Rosary. But for my money, absolutely nothing beats this. Why the hell do people put toothpaste on first? The order is wet toothbrush, put on toothpaste, brush teeth, wash toothbrush. It’s not exactly rocket surgery. There’s four steps and people somehow still mess it up. You don’t put milk in the bowl before the cereal, you don’t put socks on before underwear, and you don’t put toothpaste on before running it under water. Not to take a shot at the fine parents across this great nation, but if you allow your kids to do this, you’ve failed to produce a contributing member of society.
pestooneverything asks: Does Sean Paul make songs better or worse?
I don’t know, you tell me:
Infinitely better. Next.
xboxguy asks: As the streaming industry takes off (this year there will be more time spent watching games than playing them) and services like Mixer offer a more interactive viewing experience (crowd can vote on key decisions and impact the gameplay), will we see a shift in the way games are designed?
Well, I didn’t really expect to get into a discussion about the fate of the video game industry, but here we are. This may get a little nerdy, so bare with me. As far as Mixer is concerned, while it is assuredly the most advanced and efficient version of this type of populist streaming, it’s not the first time we’ve seen it. Consider the tale of Lord Helix, the central deity from Twitch Plays Pokemon, a bizarre experiment that asked the question “what if every decision in a Pokemon game, down to the direction the main character walked, was made by an internet comment section in real time?” Needless to say, they made a complete mockery of the game. But, by introducing complete chaos into the relatively straightforward story, an entirely unique experience was created. It was so popular, they did it more than 10 more times. Now, Pokemon games are handheld games with simple mechanics and rudimentary decision-making. It’s relatively easy to subjugate them to the whims of the masses. If things like Mixer can effectively bring a similar experience to current-gen console games, then it’s almost guaranteed to change the way games are developed. Considering the popularity of streaming (I’m not really a streaming guy, but, for some games, I understand the benefits of watching someone else play. Now, if you’re going to sit there and watch someone else play, and then make all the key decisions and impact the gameplay? Just play the game yourself), games who focus on streaming will undoubtedly add features to encourage audience participation. I suspect, soon enough, almost every game will introduce some kind of peanut-gallery-friendly mechanics. The gaming industry has never been one to stand in the way of progress, and I fully expect this to be a massive hit.
BlacktopLebron asks: Couple NBA questions- is the lottery rigged, and who are your top ten NBA players right now, based purely on talent (not age, contract, success, etc.)
Rigged? The NBA Draft Lottery? It can’t be. Not the same lottery the Celtics just won by pure chance and of their own merits? Never! (But, in all seriousness, yes, of course it’s rigged. You think the Lakers kept their top-3 protected pick by chance? You think the still-NBA-owned New Orleans Hornets won the lottery because of luck? Or that the Cavs won a million straight lotteries despite having astronomical odds after LeBron left town? Or the Bulls somehow winning the Derrick Rose lottery? Please. Russian elections think the NBA Draft Lottery has a dubious history)
As for my top ten, it looks something like this:
LeBron James
Kevin Durant
Kawhi Leonard
Russell Westbrook
Anthony Davis
Steph Curry
James Harden
Giannis Antetokounmpo
John Wall
Karl-Anthony Towns
JoeyGSp0t asks: What’s the most degrading thing you’d do for money? Would you ever do porn?
Well, I’m flattered that you would consider asking if I’d ever do porn. Truth be told, though, I’d do pretty much anything for money. Now, if I did ever delve into the adult entertainment world, I’d probably have to create an entirely new life for myself, because you can’t be a part of the regular world and the porn world at the same time. I’d need new friends, new family, most likely a new identity (besides my stage name Rodrigo Waters, obviously). I might even need to fake my own death. That’s a lot of work. Too much work, you might say. So, I probably won’t do porn, mostly because of the inconvenience it would cause me. Not the shame. I abandoned all shame long ago.
WhiteKong asks: What’s the best specialty sandwich?
Excellent question as always, WhiteKong. Not many things in this world better than a good sandwich. I’m assuming by specialty sandwich, you mean anything more complex than a basic deli meat sandwich. Don’t get me wrong, good deli meat is excellent. But sometimes, your body needs a something more than just turkey and condiments. Now, to avoid the more annoying, trapped-in-2015 sections of the internet mob, I’m drawing some guidelines here: this only counts regular sandwiches. Meat between two or more separate pieces of bread. Anything served in a hot dog bun doesn’t count. Also, no specific fast food items, either. Only things you can either make at home or get at any good sandwich place, not one specific restaurant.
Top Five Sandwiches
Cuban
PB & J
Cheeseburger
Bacon (or sausage), egg, and cheese
French Dip
XtothaG asks: Will Andre 3000 ever come out with a solo album?
If I knew the answer to that, I’d be doing something better with my life than writing this blog.
dpower asks: What’s the best pickup line on Tinder?
Easy. “Hey, do you read briansden69.com? Wow, me too.” Hope you’re ready for what comes your way.
KingRichard1911 asks: What would be the best period of history to live in?
I assume you mean besides “right now.” Quality of life in anything before 1950 is going to be pretty lousy, so I’ve got to pick a time where my modern-day knowledge would make me a king, but where it’s not so much greater than what the people have that I’m considered a witch. And, in the likely event that I’m killed, I’d prefer it to be something quick like a gun, not a dull bone knife. That’s a pretty small window. I’m thinking anywhere from the late 1600s through the 1700s or so would be good for me. If I went back there with a set of modern maps, I could easily become the greatest pirate ever. All I’d have to do is not get caught. Avoiding the law in any time before the Civil Rights Movement should have been the easiest thing ever, so I’m good there. Or, since I’d be the biggest, strongest, and smartest person there, maybe I could lead the Continental Army against the British. I’d be the first president, not George Washington. And, since I lack his honor and foresight, I’d just stay president until I die, creating the exact same system of government that I just spent many years fighting to avoid. Or I could just be a taller, smarter Napoleon who doesn’t do stupid shit like invade Russia or get into pointless wars with Spain. Really, the possibilities are endless for anyone who just isn’t an idiot. That’s the only pre-requisite for world domination.
WhiteKong also asks: What’s the most overrated food?
Last time I discovered that cantaloupe was the most underrated fruit, so I guess it’ll now become tradition to debate which foods are properly rated. Not that I’m complaining, or anything. My food takes are rock solid, so it’s an honor that many people come to me looking for guidance. Now, there are tons of overrated foods. Off the top of my head there’s things like Taylor Ham, Sriracha, quinoa, kale, wasabi, the list goes on. But, I keep coming back to avocado, but I actually don’t think it’s the true answer. Let’s get it out of the way, though: avocados suck. I know I have to renounce my status as a millennial for saying it, but someone has to. I’m sick of being held hostage by this stupid fruit. Avocados don’t taste good. They don’t even really have a taste. They’re just mush. Hey, Chipotle, I’ll keep my $20 for a small cup of guacamole, thank you, because guacamole stinks. But, as I said, avocados aren’t the most overrated food. You know what is? The term superfood. It’s the entire reason avocados became popular in the first place. They’re the original superfood. People are completely obsessed with the concept of superfood. What, do you think an avocado is going to do your taxes or something? Rescue your cat from a tree? What happened to something just being healthy? Now it’s got to be a superfood. And they’re all so in-your-face, too. People trying to get my to eat açai berries or something. Please. And everything’s a superfood, now, too. “Blueberries found to be newest superfood.” Just because it tastes good and is healthy doesn’t mean it has to be called a superfood. Pretty much everything outside Chili Cheese Fritos is a superfood these days. Literally every fruit. Pretty much every nut. Most fish. People saying wine is a superfood. If everything is a superfood, how can anything be a superfood? It’s so stupid. Avocados are healthy. That’s good to know. Calling it a superfood doesn’t make me want to eat it. It doesn’t make me want avocado-flavored stuff. It doesn’t make me want avocado-themed clothing. It doesn’t make me want to name my first ten children Avocado. It’s like the insufferable bacon craze that finally died down. There’s always the It food that everyone thinks everyone else loves and wants to jam it down the public’s throat 24/7. And right now, it’s Superfood.
DeerHit45 asks: As medical sciences continue to push towards reversing the effects of aging, humans are quickly becoming immortal. Will this make life lose all meaning?
Had to end with a feel-good question. I mean, yeah, if everyone was immortal I don’t think everyone would care about anything anymore. What would be the point? The skydiving industry would love it. Casinos would be thrilled. Amusement parks would be on the rise. People would just spend their infinite lives searching for thrills, for anything that made them feel alive. Or feel anything at all. There wouldn’t be some great progress or new utopian society. That’s just not how humans are wired. If our lives had no end, all meaning would be sapped from it. Why should I ever go to work? Why should I leave the house? Whatever it is I was going to do, I can do it tomorrow. After all, I have all the tomorrows in the world. If you think humans are lazy now, just wait until we’re immortal.
Well, that was close. I almost, almost, starting getting my hopes up. Celtics lead by 10 at the half in last night’s game 4, after winning game 3, without Isaiah Thomas. The Cavs looked like the shitty team that they were all season. They didn’t care on d. The offense was just “give it to LeBron or Kyrie and get out of the way.” Celtics were playing lockdown defense, the ball was zipping around, and they were actually making open 3s. But, the universe soon corrected itself and the Cavs won going away. Kyrie took over, proving that, despite what people may tell you, it’s possible for a team to have more than one good player. In fact, that usually what makes the good teams good. Honestly, it’s better this way. About two minutes into the second half, I could already see the end result coming, so I knew better than to start dreaming of a possible sweep of the Warriors. This series couldn’t be going better from my perspective. They got dominated so badly the first few games that it showed they weren’t just one guy away. They somehow didn’t get swept, saving some pride, but also didn’t get me too invested in their actual chances of winning the series. Now just get through game 5 without Al Horford, Jaylen Brown, Avery Bradley, or Brad Stevens suffering a life threatening injury and we’re all good. Draft Fultz and look forward to 2020. But man, what happened in game 3? Supposedly LeBron was fighting an “illness” so he sucked, but I don’t buy that for a second. Unless, of course, the “illness” is just the standard aftermath of what happens when you spend a late night out with J.R. Smith. Had the Cavs swept, there would have been nine days or something between last night and the start of the Finals. Why can’t they just move it up? Well, it’s hard to say. Maybe David Stern the league made it worth the Cavs while to drag this series out as long as possible so that all the talk about how bad and one sided these playoffs have been is quieted a little bit and to minimize the dead period. Maybe they said they’ll be even more lax on LeBron’s drug test results how frequently they sit their players next year. Maybe they told them they’ll get even more calls in the Finals than they usually do. Maybe they just told LeBron that they’ll ensure he doesn’t have to hang out with Kevin Love for a while. Either way, I’m keeping my eyes open on this. I’m officially calling the validity of game 3 into question, regardless of the fact that it benefitted me.
Of course, all of this has presented quite the dilemma: what to do with Isaiah Thomas. Next season he’s still the best bargain in the league, only making $6 million. The year after? Whooooo, baby, is he going to get a lot of money. Will it be from the Celtics? Honestly, I don’t know if I’d want to commit to him long term. Listen, he’s proved me wrong a million times on the offensive end. He can score on anyone and everyone, no matter what. And, obviously, he’s tough as nails, physically and mentally. But, he really is horrible on defense. Like, really really bad. And the way this team is currently constructed, does it really benefit them to give max money to someone who can’t play d? Last night was a perfect snapshot of what the Celtics without Isaiah look like: in the first half, everyone was playing great d, the ball was moving, and everyone was looking confident. Then, in the second half, the other team adjusted, clamped down on defense, and no one could create their own shot anymore. It was the ultimate examples of his strengths and weaknesses. That’s why, for the millionth, billionth time, I really hope they stay patient. Listen, Isaiah is great. But isn’t Markelle Fultz just a taller Isaiah? If you’re going to take someone number one overall, aren’t you expecting him to be the best player on your team? They don’t need to make an Isaiah decision just yet. If Fultz displays he has the same type of skills as Isaiah does right away and shows flashes of actually being able to play some defense, you can just trade Isaiah midseason. If he looks lost like Brandon Ingram did this year, then bite the bullet and resign Isaiah because you need at least one person who can score. My money is on Fultz being good right away. Kyrie Irving has displayed time and time again why you invest in an offensively gifted guard. He can replace Isaiah. It’ll make all the other fans unhappy, but, honestly, most Celtics fans are pretty stupid because they think a team built around Isaiah, Jimmy Butler, and Serge Ibaka can win a title. Luckily, I think Danny Ainge is smart enough to stick with his long game. It’s worked absolutely perfectly so far. Don’t throw it away for second tier stars. Please.
Brian's Den 