Category: NFL

Monday Thoughts, Week 7

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Yesterday was Sunday. There were NFL games played. That means there are Monday Thoughts™ today. Follow? Good.

  • Titans played the Chargers in London at 9:30 am. I did not watch it. I forgot it was happening. The world keeps spinning.
  • Serious question: is Marcus Mariota the first Hawaiian to ever set foot in the UK?
  • Titans have good Twitter graphics
  • I would die for Mike Vrabel
  • Glad lifelong Chargers fan Michael Essien made it out to the game!
  • Tyrell Williams is officially hot
  • The fact that Marcus Mariota, the bastion of quarterback lower-mediocrity, had yet to throw a red zone interception in his career to this point is simply preposterous
  • How confused do you think the good people of London were when the Titans went for two at the end instead of tying the game? Why pass up the chance to get a result, am I right? Because soccer.
  • Going for two was the right decision, it was just a bad playcall. Chargers are considerably better than the Titans, going to overtime wouldn’t have changed that. Try to steal a win.
  • Bills-Colts was a football game played under NFL regulations. This is a fact.
  • Nathan Peterman warming up and not coming in is a crime against humanity.
  • Obligatory:
  • Browns should realistically be 1-1-5.
  • Myles Garrett is large
  • One day Jarvis Landry will be on a good team
  • I miss Fitzpatrick.
  • One of the most shocking field goals I’ve ever seen. Still can’t believe he made it
  • Some franchises are destined to have the worst kickers ever. Browns and Bucs are two of them.
  • You knew I was looking forward to this: what did the Bears’ Twitter account cook up for the Pats?
  • Revolutionary Ringwraith? I’m in. This should be the new logo, honestly. Way cooler than what they gave the Dolphins.
  • I don’t know when Mitch Trubisky became Mike Vick, but I didn’t appreciate it
  • The Cordarrelle Patterson experience:
  • Getting a punt blocked has to be the worst feeling in the world
  • Only the computer when you’re playing on All-Madden makes this pick:
  • Josh Gordon is the slowest fast person of all time
  • Pats get to play the Bills next week. This pleases me.
  • Did this Lions-Dolphins game actually happen? My sources are telling me it did, but I’m skeptical.
  • I guess this counts as evidence
  • Stafford went 18/22 and Kerryon Johnson had 158 yards? I said this in my picks, but if you’re the Dolphins how can you let a bunch of carpetbaggers from icy Detroit come into South Beach and dominate. What would Pitbull think?
  • So, like, are we sure the Eagles are still good? Are we positive Carson Wentz is the future of professional athletics?
  • Games like this are why I’ll always give Cam and the Panthers the benefit of the doubt. They’re just mentally tougher than 99% of the league. Unless there’s a lose ball with the Super Bowl on the line.
  • It seems bad that the Super Bowl champions lost a game when this was tweeted out:
  • Feel like no one runs reverses anymore. Everyone’s too concerned with the jet-sweep-flip-that-counts-as-a-pass now
  • This has to sting:
  • But, hey, the Eagles are having fun out there! That’s all that really matters, right Lane Johnson?
  • Speaking of teams that are definitely having fun, how about your AFC runners-up, the Jacksonville Jaguars? They’re definitely breaking through this year, I can feel it!
  • Jags D will get a lot of heat because they keep getting blown out, they should be one of the best units in the NFL, and they all hate each other and love talking about it, but this really wasn’t their fault. Holding a team to 20 points should be enough for a supposedly good team to win in 2018.
  • Who got beat on this play? I can’t tell
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, part 2,000,000
  • Is this good?
  • Jets are continuing an encouraging trend of teams wearing their Color Rush jerseys on days other than Thursday.Surprisingly, this lead to a blowout loss, not a win. I don’t get it, either.
  • Sam Darnold stinks again. It’s almost as if rookie QBs go through ups and downs, or something.
  • Adam Thielen’s just the best receiver in the league now
  • No one gets there earlier, leaves later, or has a coach-ier father.
  • This might be a storyline I’ve created in my mind, but people are sleeping on the Vikings because they stumbled out of the gate. They’re the second best team in the NFC.
  • One of these days, Joe Flacco’s gonna run a route on one of these Lamar Jackson plays.
  • Call me crazy, but wouldn’t it make more sense to, you know, take Flacco out of the game if you’re putting Lamar in? Wouldn’t you rather have another skill guy or another blocker or another anything over Flacco just standing on the side? What’s the point? To set up that trick play you’ve been waiting for? Flacco gives so little effort on these things that the second he exerts himself even a little the defense will know something’s about to happen. Just seems like a big waste of time.
  • But, hey, got a one yard TD so it’s all worth it!
  • Drew Brees 500 TDs
  • Nothing really happened in this game until, of course, Justin Tucker’s dramatic missed extra point
  • Payback for that kick he “made” against the Pats in 2012 that didn’t actually go in but John Harbaugh bullied the refs into calling good.
  • When someone tells you Carreras was actually the best of the Three Tenorsjustin-tucker-miss-832x447
  • Cowboys-Redskins sucked so I’ll give you the CliffsNotes version of every Cowboys division game ever: nothing happened and everyone hated it but it ended with some stupid, fake, overly minute, manufactured controversy that will be debated to no end, proving that the Agenda-Setting Theory is correct (it’s not often I can pull out something from my college education, so savor it).
  • Redskins 3rd-string tight end is named Jeremy Sprinkle. Making the NFL with the last name Sprinkle is one of the most impressive feats in the history of Western Civilization.
  • Rams-49ers was the least competitive non-Bills game of the year, but at least the jerseys looked good
  • Aaron Donald four sacks. GOAT
  • Todd Gurley has taken up permanent residence in the endzone
  • Over the last two seasons Gurley has 33 TDs. Julio Jones has 43 career TDs. Can Gurley’s two-season run eclipse Julio’s entire career? I’d say it will by week 12.
  • Now THAT was a Bengals prime time game.
  • Sick catch, though
  • Bengals also “forced” the worst throw of Mahomes’ career
  • Unfortunately Mason Screck had to be carted off with injury. He was the only fun thing remaining on the Bengals’ roster.
  • Get it? It’s an Office reference! They’re so rare online these days
  • Decent run
  • Big Macs for Sacks is the polar opposite of the Texans’ Jack in the Box promotion
  • Vintage Al
  • When you know the Halloween edition of NFL Picks is coming on Friday

NFL Week 7 Picks

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Man, what a great Thursday night game between two exciting, innovative teams who are surely to be right in the mix at the end of the season. Can’t believe what a privilege it is to watch two of the greatest offensive minds in the game go head-to-head in a high-stakes chess match. I’ll remember this one for a long time.

Hah! You thought I would devote precious hours of my life to watching Broncos vs. the Arizona Professional Football Team?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMp8aDH8d9M

On to the real games.

Tennessee Titans vs Los Angeles Chargers (-7)

You know what I hate? “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon. Might be the worst song ever recorded. At the very least the most annoying. Song’s a piece of shit. I’m glad Kid Rock co-opted it for “All Summer Long.” You know what else I hate? Duran Duran. Can’t explain why, but if Van Halen didn’t exist they’d be my least favorite band of all time. Other than that, love England. Got yelled at by a Stonehenge staffer when I went. I was sitting on one of the stones and the guy told me to get off to preserve the ancient monument or something. I know it was just because he didn’t want me absorbing any of the mystic power that courses through the entire area. Too bad for him enough energy had already entered my bloodstream to fundamentally change me and give me supernatural abilities, which I use to correctly pick NFL games, like this one. This game’s in London, if you couldn’t tell, and it’s the first 9:30am game of the year. Couldn’t think of anything else I’d rather wake up to than Marcus Mariota going 9/15 for 108 yards and a pick. Gonna be electric. Still, Chargers stink going East (in my mind, at least), and Wembley is the Easternmost NFL stadium.

Pick: Titans

Buffalo Bills at Indianapolis Colts (-7.5)

Colts shouldn’t be favored by most high school teams by more than 4 points, so I have no idea what the hell this line is. I know it’s the Derek Anderson effect, but still. Bills D is somehow good enough to keep them from getting blown out by fellow bad teams. No game had a high range of watchability: if Peterman was starting, it would have been must watch. Since it’s Anderson? No thanks.

Pick: Bills

New England Patriots (-3) at Chicago Bears

I will pay Khalil Mack a substantial amount of money to sit this game out. Not that I’m worried he’ll ruin the Pats chances of winning, or anything. I just don’t want him anywhere near my 41-year-old QB. Pats by a million either way since the Bears D is highly overrated.

Pick: Pats

Carolina Panthers at Philadelphia Eagles (-5)

LOVE the Panthers. Love ’em. Eagles are coming off a big Thursday win and have a big game against the Jags in London next week. I know they’ve overlooked the Panthers because they’ve convinced themselves they’re back. Unfortunately for them, the rest of the league is not the NFC East. Panthers just shove the ball down your throat and grind out wins. When facing this same strategy earlier in the year, the Titans beat them in OT. The Panthers are better than the Titans.

Pick: Panthers

Detroit Lions (-3) at Miami Dolphins

I don’t like the Lions being favored in Miami. Just doesn’t sit right with me. Detroit and South Beach are as polar as polar opposites can get. Either team is a major fish out of water (pun NOT intended) in the other team’s house. The Lions are used to cold, snow, thick, square pizza, hot dogs with chili and mustard, and automobile factories. You put them in the middle of the 305 and expect them to win by more than 3? The culture shock alone will keep them under 21 points. The second Matt Stafford hears a note of Latin music and his hips start involuntarily moving he won’t know what to do. This has Dolphins blowout written all over it.

Pick: Dolphins

Minnesota Vikings (-3.5) at New York Jets

I’m officially on record saying the Vikings are Back. They just needed to get used to a new QB, sometimes it takes a few weeks. The defense is starting to play like we thought they would, but their run defense has been there all year. The Jets are only good when they can run the ball at will. Not that hard to figure out.

Pick: Vikings

Cleveland Browns at Tampa Bay Bucs (-3.5)

All I know about this game is that there’s going to be 10,000 turnovers, most of them very funny. Because Jameis throws the funniest picks this side of Buffalo and Baker sneaky just throws the ball straight to the other team a lot. Still, the Bucs play defense the same way I go to the gym: we just don’t. The Browns of the past would roll over and die after getting dominated last week. But these are the New Browns, who keep fighting no matter what. These Browns have the ball in the red zone with 30 seconds left, down 27-23. They still lose, though.

Pick: Bucs

Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars (-5)

I grow tired of the Jags. They only play well when they feel the other team is worthy of their effort, and, apparently, the Pats are they only team they’ve given that distinction. Now, they’re not the first team to be completely obsessed with beating the Pats (they may be the last, though. Sigh), but they way they just dismiss every other team in the league and don’t bother showing up 90% of the time annoys me. I can do that. I’ve been there for five titles. I’ve won. The Jags have made two AFC championship games in their history, winning neither, and are acting like million time champs. Don’t become the Wizards of the NFL, guys. I can already tell the team hates each other. Calais Campbell seemingly spends half of every game trying to assuage the various personalities who are upset that someone else on the team isn’t as perfect as they are. Meanwhile, the Texans are kinda, sorta good, now. If they had a competent coach, they might even be actually good. I think the Texans win this handily as the Jags predictable spiral continues.

Pick: Texans

New Orleans Saints at Baltimore Ravens (-2.5)

I think this is the first Ravens game I’m legitimately excited for since the last time they played the Pats in the playoffs. Kind of crazy stat: this is the 23rd season in Ravens history. They’ve finished outside the top ten in total defense seven times, and three of those times were the team’s first three seasons. Thus far, they rank first in total defense and first in points allowed. This would also be the highest they’ve ranked in total yards since Vinny Testaverde was under center. What I’m saying is that the Ravens are the only AFC team I’m scared of in the playoffs and that I wouldn’t be very surprised if they won the Super Bowl. That being said, they can’t enter the playoffs with too many wins. Coming off a shutout victory, this is exactly the kind of game where Flacco looks like the worst person to ever attempt a forward pass and everything goes wrong. Got to throw people off the scent, a little.

Pick: Saints

Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins (-2)

I bet you’re thinking I’m gonna have another snarky comment about the NFL forcing boring-ass NFC East matchups down our throats in national 4:25/prime time spots. I’m offended you would think so low of me. Everyone knows how much I love watching Dak Prescott and Alex Smith!

(The NFL has my family. They’ve threatened to kill them if I say how much I hate NFC East games one more time. I know this is going to be the worst game of all time, but, please, think of my family! You have to say how much you love NFC East division games being shown on national TV!)

Pick: Cowboys

Los Angeles Rams (-10) at San Francisco 49ers

Pick: Rams

Cincinnati Bengals at Kansas City Chiefs (-6)

The formula is pretty simple, here: Bengals at night vs. the best offense in the league looking to come back with a vengeance after their first loss. Chiefs might have 42 at the half.

Pick: Chiefs

New York Giants at Atlanta Falcons (-5)

I’ve got a feeling this is the week Jason Witten and Booger McFarland finally have a fist fight in the post-game meeting. The animosity is too intense not to boil over at some point. Also, I usually hate “this-announcer-sucks” guy because almost every announcer is perfectly fine and getting upset at the announcer is just a defense mechanism used to deny the fact that the team you root for is actually terrible and you’re a moron for choosing them, but Jason Witten STINKS. Everything he says is the most obvious, rote cliche in history, and he has the camera presence of an empty chair. Jason Witten grade: D-. Giants in prime time grade: D-. Falcons in prime time grade: C-. Falcons would have a higher grade, but I just keep thinking of when they were on prime time and blew a 25 point third quarter lead against the Patriots. I think it was in the Super Bowl, too.

Pick: Falcons

Monday Thoughts Week 6

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The sixth Sunday of the NFL season is in the books, and, I don’t know about you, but this one played with my emotions a little too much for my taste. I mean, to go from an electrifying Witching Hour on Red Zone directly into the three most boring late games in NFL history was just brutal. But that’s just the price you have to pay to get a million exciting finishes. The bill always comes, and I’ll gladly pay the piper when it comes to the NFL. Because I’m a sucker. This is Monday Thoughts™.

  • Can I start declining the free football the NFL is offering? Because I absolutely did not need more Bears-Dolphins.
  • Let’s check in on the Bears Twitter graphics:
  • Pretty messed up looking Dolphin.
  • Tarik Cohen is like if Darren Sproles was 5’8″
  • I guess I somehow missed that Ryan Tannehill was hurt and Brocktober was making a surprise cameo. That’s on me for not keeping up on my Dolphins news.
  • Nice D, fellas!
  • Felt like the Bears were up like 40 all game but then they lost. That’s football, Suzyn.
  • Live look at Sunday night in the Brian’s Den:
  • Memes, amirite?
  • Josh Allen gets knocked out, which means it’s Peterman time!
  • Wait, what?
  • That’s more like it.
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, pt. 100
  • I like how the Bucs are just the 2010-2016 Saints now. Explosive yet flawed offense with the worst defense ever put on an NFL field. It’s nice having teams like that in the league.
  • There goes Julio Jones, scoring at will again.
  • What’s that? That wasn’t Julio and Julio doesn’t have a touchdown this year? Yeah, okay.
  • This is every single Jameis Winston pick
  • “Alright gang, we’ve got Mike Evans and two good tight ends, one of whom went to Harvard, and we need a TD. Anyone got any ideas?” “I got it, coach”
  • Think I’m just gonna pull a pretentious sportswriter move and just start referring to them as the Arizona professional football team because everything about them offends me. I used to draw bullshit formations and plays in high school that I know were better than what Steve Wilks calls on a weekly basis. Josh Rosen’s career is already wasted.
  • That being said, I think the Vikings are back.
  • Antoine Bethea is somehow still in the league but probably won’t be for much longer after this:
  • Maximum scrappiness
  • When the young kids say you’re not cool but you know you have “swagger” and “drip”kxtcfkh
  • Folks, the Browns are officially BACK.
  • Melvin Gordon lives in the end zone.
  • Decent game from Ty Williams
  • Colts-Jets turning into a shootout was unexpected, especially when the Jets came out wearing gray facemasks to honor the Super Bowl III team or something:I hated them at first, but it kind of grew on me. Still not as good as the green.
  • I hate on Andrew Luck a lot (and honestly, even if every interception he’s ever thrown gets deflected ten times there’s a reason they keep getting deflected), but tough to succeed when this happens:
  • I know there were 78 combined points in this game but nothing happened. I just don’t care about the Jets or Colts. Sorry.
  • Not really, though.
  • Sick TD, but the Panthers need to burn this jersey combination
  • One of the most impressive runs of his career because doing anything with only one shoe on is impossible
  • Redskins are so boring. I just don’t care about them, either. Sorry.
  • Not really, though.
  • Let’s check in on how the Raiders’ season is going:
  • Not great
  • Hmmmm
  • Yikes!
  • I’ve been sitting on this for most of my football-watching life, but I have to get it off my chest: I hate safeties. Hate them passionately. One decapitated Amari Cooper for no reason, one cheap-shotted Jameis for no reason, and Darian Stewart could have ended Cooper Kupp’s season with the most egregious horsecollar tackle since the one that broke T.O.’s leg then acted like a martyr when it was flagged. Like, why? What do you gain from being a dirty piece of shit? What pleasure do you get from drawing a 15-yard penalty every play? Is it fun injuring people? If I was a ref I’d preemptively eject every safety before the game started. I mean some of these guys make Vontaze Burfict look like Ned Flanders. If the NFL actually cared about player safety they’d start kicking guys out of the league. End of rant.
  • Lifelong Raiders fan Sami Khedira has to be sick to his stomach over this one
  • Wonder if Russell Wilson’s concussion water sells well in England.
  • Can’t believe the Bengals blew an opportunity to seize control of the AFC North by losing to Steelers. First time it’s ever happened.
  • Man, the Steelers have arguably the best receiver in the league and they love giving him the ball
  • Exclusive look at Antonio Brown every time JuJu does anything
  • Antonio Brown has actually released a statement regarding the fact that someone on the Steelers not named Antonio Brown was given multiple targets in a single game:
  • Yeah, he caught the game-winning TD (offensive pass interference notwithstanding) but it’s more fun to think of him as an angry child who throws a tantrum every time someone else on his team gets to be the star. A real stretch, I know.
  • Broncos have to jump to the front of the climate change committee, because a legit snow game was their only chance of beating those pansy-ass surfer bros from L.A.
  • Broncos stink but at least Bradley Chubb is good
  • Definitely didn’t need a QB with that fifth pick! Especially with that Swag Kelly cameo before halftime.
  • R.I.P. people of Los Angeles
  • The Rams being sponsored by Jack in the Box and not In-n-Out is a massive red flag. I thought they were supposed to be the cool L.A. team? The high powered, high octane, flashy squad that lights up the record books but doesn’t really even care about it, brah, they’re just trying to catch some waves. Need that In-n-Out partnership to complete the look. Zero chance they make the Super Bowl, now.
  • I’d imagine this is the standard reaction when Aaron Donald is sprinting at you:
  • Todd Gurley is ridiculous good. Just had to say that.
  • Recap of Jags-Cowboys and Ravens-Titans:giphy
  • So apparently McDonald’s is now using Bad Luck Brian in a new ad for Monopoly their Trick. Treat. Win! campaign
  • As an actual Brian, this upsets me. My culture is not your prom dress meme, dammit! The early 2010s were brutal for Brians everywhere because of this meme (not really, but just go with it). I don’t want to be reminded of this dumb Internet fad by my favorite fast food establishment. It’s insulting. Give me Scumbag Steve, instead. At least that one was funny.
  • It’s crazy to think about the difference in meme longevity between now and the early days of meme culture. Bad Luck Brian was relevant for years. Years! Nowadays the latest Spongebob meme lasts three days before it’s completely killed off. I miss the old days.
  • The only thing that surprised me about Chiefs-Pats is that the Pats didn’t cover. It got a little hairy, but the Chiefs were never, at any point, going to win.
  • Gronk is just a dog, part 109412305364
  • Crazy highlight dump
  • Good news: Big Macs for sacks is BACK
  • Why I love the Internet: while looking for Devin/Jason McCourty highlights stumbling on this video
  • Rutgers-UConn 2009 full game. Just what I needed. Reminds me of the one time UConn football wasn’t a complete joke (I started at UConn in 2010, and the basketball team won the National Championship the following spring, then they won again in 2014. Don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before). Good times.
  • This week was awesome. Can’t wait to cap it off with a great Monday night game! CJ Beathard in prime time, baby! Let’s goooooo!

NFL Week 6 Picks

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Jean-Paul Satre famously wrote in his 1944 play No Exit (or Huis Clos for cultured readers) “Hell is other people.” For me, Hell is NFC East division games. They’re always forced down our throats and they’re always boring as shit. The Giants have Odell Beckham and Saquon Barkley and somehow aren’t fun to watch. Think about that for a second. How is it possible to have two of the most explosive players in the league and not be exciting? For starters, if Eli Manning were a steak he’d be approaching shoe leather-levels of doneness. He’s awful. If it weren’t for his brother’s final go, this might be the worst season ever turned in by a future Hall of Famer. Obviously the dreadful o-line doesn’t help. Nor does the porous defense. I guess what I’m saying is that the Giants stink. I bet they wouldn’t stink if they stuck to their Color Rush/throwback jersey template. They look so much better with the white facemask/white pants/Giants on the helmet instead of NY combo. Enough of boring old gray. You’re the New York Giants! Stop looking like a high school team! People will say this means the Eagles are back (and they probably are), but I think the G-Men are just that bad.

We’re starting to reach that part of the season where every game looks terrible on paper, which is always a good time. Just lowers expectations, really. We’ve even got our first London game of the year! This one features two bad teams no one wants to watch! It’s all about growing the game.

Seattle Seahawks (-3) vs Oakland Raiders (London)

Me mate Jon Gruden’s been cheesed off about ‘is side’s lack of pressure, but facin’ the worst offensive line since the Spanish Inquisition should ‘elp remedy the problem. Seattle are tryin’ their ‘ardest to cock up Russell Wilson’s prime by surroundin’ ‘im wif utter crap. Methinks Pete Carroll lost the plot this past September 11th anniversary, and ‘e’s been researchin’ dodgy store-brand jet fuel burn temperatures instead of buildin’ a quality group of lads around ‘is talisman. If only this game was earlier to give it some novelty, because this is goin’ to be total bollocks. First one to 21 wins.

Pick: Raiders

Buffalo Bills at Houston Texans (-10)

I was about to say this game might be sneaky entertaining, but then I sadly realized I wasn’t living in the fantasy world I created as a lonely youth. Bills stink, Texans are….hot? Two straight wins immediately puts you among the contenders in the AFC, regardless of how bad you’ve been the rest of the year. It seems preposterous that the Texans could be favored by 10 against anyone, but they’re only favored by 10 because they’re going to win by 24.

Pick: Texans

Chicago Bears (-3.5) at Miami Dolphins

Khalil Mack may score five touchdowns this game. At the very least, he’ll have Ryan Tannehill begging for mercy and waving the white flag. But, hey, this is the Dolphins’ year to win the division.

Pick: Bears

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals (-2)

This is a new scenario I’m going to lay out for you: the Bengals, the Cincinnati Bengals, mind you, look good. They’re 4-1. They’re about to take the leap into the league’s truly elite. They’re ready to finally make some noise in the postseason. All they have to do is beat the Steelers! It’s easy!

Pick: Steelers

Indianapolis Colts at New York Jets (-2.5)

I’m worried about the fact that I think the Jets are going to dominate. It’s like thinking the sun isn’t going to rise in the morning. It’s just not where you want to be.

Pick: Colts

Carolina Panthers at Washington Redskins (-1)

Your weekly “it’ll never be shown on RedZone so did it even happen?” game. This thing’s gonna stink. I always find myself giving the Panthers the benefit of the doubt, though.

Pick: Panthers

Arizona Ca******s at Minnesota Vikings (-10.5)

Went and got some new jeans yesterday. Think they make my butt look nice. I expect to get a lot of sultry looks when I wear them out on the town. It’ll be a good boost to the ol’ self-confidence. Things are looking up!

Pick: Vikings

Los Angeles Chargers (-1.5) at Cleveland Browns

This is like a battle between gods, only instead of controlling elements or cosmic forces, their domain is finding weird ways to lose football games. A missed extra point? A last second turnover? Terrible coaching? All of these and more? What absurd event will completely cripple the losing team? Will there be a losing team? Browns D is legitimately good, but Baker is still in that “wacky rookie gunslinging QB” phase where literally anything can happen, so I know neither team runs away with it. Let’s get another tie!

Pick: Browns

Tampa Bay Bucs at Atlanta Falcons (-3)

I don’t know about the Falcons, man. They’re too good to totally suck, but they totally suck. Jameis is godawful and I’m not totally sure why he’s still included in the Bucs’ longterm plans, but the Falcons have the second worst defense of all time, behind only the Bucs. Falcons might score 70 points, but they might give up 71. The only thing I know about the Falcons is that they were up by 25 points in the third quarter against the Patriots in the Super Bowl and still lost and still haven’t recovered.

Pick: Falcons

Los Angeles Rams (-7) at Denver Broncos

Broncos are bad. Rams are good. Don’t overthink it.

Pick: Rams

Jacksonville Jaguars (-3) at Dallas Cowboys

Wait, the Cowboys are in the national 4:25 game, forcing everyone to watch them and talk about them, thus perpetuating the myth that they’re relevant??????? Huh?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Say it ain’t so.

Pick: Jags

Baltimore Ravens (-3) at Tennessee Titans

I’ve bragged about my ability to correctly predict this Ravens season. This is going to be put to the test against the Titans, the team I can’t figure out for the life of me. Actually, scratch that. I do know the Titans. They stink they’re just ridiculously lucky. Well guess what? No one is luckier than the Joe Flacco Ravens in the history of the NFL. Tough to win when the other team has your greatest strength beat.

Pick: Ravens

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots (-3)

Folks, get ready to roll you eyes- I see no scenario in which the Pats lose this game. This is all about haves and have-nots. The Chiefs start red hot every year. Every season someone comes along threatening to reinvent the game and shake the very foundation of the NFL. And every year, some hotshot team thinks they’ve got the Super Bowl wrapped up when they come to Gillette Stadium for a Sunday night game. Every year, things don’t go the way they think it will. Welcome to the Chiefs’ Letterman Jacket game. The Mahomes run is dead. Long live Mahomes.

Pick: Pats

San Francisco 49ers at Green Bay Packers (-9.5)

Dear God, why?

Pick: Packers

Monday Thoughts, Week 5

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When people ask me why I love the NFL so much (literally never happened, but go with me), I tell them about Sundays like this. On paper, it was the worst collection of professional football games in history. Only one game I had any interest in watching. The Cowboys in primetime again. Long, boring Sunday incoming. Or so I thought. What resulted was a crazy, wacky, unpredictable slate of games that gave us some truly, truly funny moments. The Cowboys still put me to sleep, though. This is Monday Thoughts™ week 5.

  • Folks, I’ve got some bad news for the rest of the league: the Super Bowl Champion Jets are Back
  • Guy can go 10/22 and get a three and a half minute best throw montage. Only the Jets!
  • Arguably the most Jets play of all time. Honestly would have been more disappointing if he went all the way
  • Think it might be time to break out this old favorite in the Mile High City
  • Need to address this gif of everyone’s favorite receiver Courtland Sutton:
  • You can’t be a non-white professional athlete and be this bad of a dancer. I could do this motion more fluidly. Clean it up.
  • I love the Dolphins so much. Everything’s going so great for them until they play the Patriots, and now they fold at the slightest hint of adversity. Blowing a 17-0 lead to the Bengals??? Yikes. Couldn’t be my AFC East leader.
  • Long live Ryan Tannehill
  • I’ll say it: I’m sick of James Conner’s hair. It was a funny oddity in week 1. It’s a nuisance in week 5.
  • This might be my favorite throw of all time. Big Ben doesn’t know the meaning of the words “throw it away”
  • Someone alert the authorities. Juju is appropriating mom culture:
  • I know for a FACT Antonio Brown would be sick to his stomach if the young, talented hotshot receiver who’s putting up better numbers than him got in trouble with the Internet police. He’d lose sleep for weeks if the man who he’s certainly taken under his wing was distracted and had to issue countless apologies and missed a game or two.
  • Falcons are as toast as toast can get. Remember when they were up 28-3 in the third quarter of the Super Bowl a few years ago and lost? Crazy.
  • Giants-Panthers somehow became the craziest game of the day, and it’s still not as crazy as this deal from Bojangles
  • Mmmmmm
  • Just gonna dump all these TDs here, but assume all of them are preceded by a sarcastic “Nice defense, fellas!”
  • 63 yard field goal to win at the buzzer. 63 yard field goal made in 2018! I couldn’t believe it.
  • I need this overcoat/robe
  • Wait…you’re allowed to intercept Pat Mahomes passes?
  • The fact that He is fallible makes Him that much easier to worship and give praise.
  • This was a shit-pumping of the highest order. Can’t win when you’re dealing with the Bad Bortles Games. Makes me wonder how the Pats couldn’t exploit the same weaknesses the Chiefs “defense” did.
  • Whoops! Wrong Chris Jones clip
  • That’s more like it.
  • Not ideal
  • There’s something really funny to me about making your injury update graphic really loud and vibrant
  • Chiefs winning against the best defense in the league when Mahomes has zero TD passes and two picks should make 14 of the other 15 AFC teams very nervous. The other team will beat them next Sunday night.
  • Mason Crosby out here putting on for everyone that’s ever had one of the worst days in the history of their chosen profession. Five missed kicks! And they kept throwing him out there!
  • How about your boy Chris Bahr? Talk about job security.
  • Equanimeous St. Brown supposedly had three catches for 89 yards for the Packers. I say supposedly because I refuse to believe this is a real person.
  • Definition of a “Retire Bitch” stiffarm
  • This game was kind of boring but I’m glad the Packers lost because every Packers loss gets Aaron Rodgers increasingly angry with Mike McCarthy who then has to bend over backwards to appease him.
  • Alright, as exciting as it is that the Browns won a game on a Sunday, forgive me if I don’t dwell on a 12-9 overtime game for too long.
  • Still, this was the only way the Browns streak could end:
  • Browns Color Rush jerseys are truly elite.
  • Anyone who can explain this Titans season to me please step forward. No one?
  • Listen, I’ve obviously been skeptical of Josh Allen since day one and am on the record saying I think he’s gonna stink. But I didn’t think it’d be so boring. Aside from some electric runs there’s been nothing. The bad has just been bad, not funny or anything. It’s a real bummer.
  • My favorite part of Twitter is when the official accounts of the worst teams in the league tries to dunk on everyone who picked them to lose as if there was any reason to expect them to win another game any time within the next three seasons.
  • The Bills might be the worst 2-3 team of all time and the Titans might be the worst 3-2 team of all time and you could tell me any number of combined wins they’ll finish with and I’d believe it.
  • If I didn’t get an involuntary erection every time the Chargers went Powder Blue I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you Raiders-Chargers even happened.
  • Phil Rivers has never posed for a picture in his life
  • I don’t think Austin Ekeler has ever touched the ball and not scored a TD
  • Derek Carr with the worst pick these eyes have ever seen
  • Marshawn was predictably upset he didn’t get the ball at the one. I hope the Raiders give him the ball the next 50 times they’re in the red zone and I hope he never scores just to put this stupid trope to bed.
  • Despite only getting 220 yards of offense, the team from Arizona scored 28 points. In response to this, I have decided to un-censor one letter of their name. They are now the Ca******s. Congratulations.
  • Considering Dunkin gets worse the farther away from New England you get, I have to imagine no one in Arizona even wanted this to happen
  • Enough Arizona talk. Feel like I need a shower.
  • You know how I know the Rams are good? In one of their ugly, grind it out, war of attrition games everyone goes through they still scored 33 points.
  • Imagine hanging out with these two?
  • You’d smell like sausage for a week afterwards. Not that that’s a bad thing.
  • Somewhat lost in the Mahomes hype is the fact that Jared Goff leads the league in passing yards and passer rating and is second in completion percentage. If he had a better last name we’d realize he’s probably going to win MVP.
  • I know they’re getting a full redesign next year, but the Rams being stuck with these boring blue and white jerseys is a real bummer. This is the high-flying team from Hollywood! They can’t be looking drab! As usual, NFL uniform rule nuance is to blame. You can only wear throwbacks twice a year for some unknown reason. Really doing God’s work, Roger.
  • Marcus Peters might stink
  • Gotta fake an injury or something, dude.
  • So are the Eagles bad now? They shouldn’t be bad but they might be bad. Time for a quarterback change?
  • I think the Vikings are back but I’m not ready to commit either way yet.
  • Adam Thielen: gritty
  • Sneaky athletic
  • Coach’s son
  • So the thing that got me all fired up in this game was when the Eagles went for 2 when they scored a touchdown to narrow the deficit to 20-12. Yes, they converted, but why? What’s the point? Doug Pederson is clearly addicted to being called the most aggressive coach. I get it. It can be a rush to have people talk about you in such glowing terms. But use your brain, man. You don’t have to go for it in every single situation ever. You can still be considered aggressive if you punt on 4th & 12.
  • GIVE ME MORE DEFENSIVE TACKLE TOUCHDOWNS
  • Did you know they liked football in Texas? I didn’t until last night’s broadcast informed me a hundred times.
  • ATTN: All executives that still think putting the Cowboys on National TV is good-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FjN5iGFJYA

  • This game was the ultimate “fake drama Cowboys primetime game” that gets everyone thinking the Cowboys play entertaining games. Just because a game has a close finish doesn’t make it good. That game was awful.
  • When you know you produce the best NFL content on Earth but you had to watch Cowboys-Texans go to overtime to do itnspb7vnzqijibyg7ebnn

NFL Week 5 Picks

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Ho-hum. Another week, another team participating in voluntary Color Rush dominating. I, for one, can’t believe it. Who would have thought that wearing superior jerseys would allow teams to play better? Not I, that’s for sure. Surprised the NFL allowed the Pats to wear them, honestly. Because now they’re rolling. Julian Edelman is back, Gronk is back, Josh Gordon is about to take off, they have the best running back duo in the NFL, the defense is still bad but whatever, the good Pats are back. Can’t believe that, either.

I know I’ve been Andrew Luck Stinks guy, but man, he’s got absolutely no one out there. Throwing to Chester Rogers and Zach Pascal with the worst offensive line these eyes have ever seen. Tough to win like that. But yeah, the Colts are definitely the Pats’ rival. On the the rest of week 5.

Atlanta Falcons at Pittsburgh Steelers (-3)

I clearly need to change my viewpoint on the Falcons. Until now, I had been thinking of them as a normal team with a lot of talent and not as one that suffered the worst loss in the history of pro sports when they blew a 28-3 third quarter lead against the Patriots in the Super Bowl two years ago. That changes now. Imagine putting on the pads and getting taped up and taking painkillers getting fired up to play some NFL defense, then remembering you didn’t ask Tom Brady’s permission to play this game and now you’re worried if he might get mad at you later. It’s gotta be tough. If the Falcons didn’t even field a defense I think they’d have a better chance of winning games. With Le’veon Bell hinting he’ll try and return in week 7, the Steel Curtain’s Impending Drama powers will activate. Steelers will win BIG. They’re still terrible, though.

Pick: Steelers

Green Bay Packers (-1) at Detroit Lions

Aaron Rodgers has played 16 games against the Lions in his career. A full season, if you will. He’s gone 13-3 with 4,058 yards, 34-6 TD-INT, and a passer rating of 109.4. For context, Rodgers’ career passer rating is 103.6, which is the highest in NFL history. The Lions are “holding” opposing QBs to a 104.3 passer rating. You do the math.

Pick: Packers

New York Giants at Carolina Panthers (-6)

If possible, I would advise against watching more of this game than you have to. Panthers love to grind out games because it works, and the Giants have no choice but to grind out games since they’re so bad. Panthers are just better. If they score 24 points it’s over.

Pick: Panthers

Denver Broncos at New York Jets (Pick)

This makes absolutely no sense to me. The Jets are HORRIBLE. They might be the worst team in the AFC East, which is saying something. And this is despite winning the Super Bowl in week 1! It’s crazy how far they’ve fallen (except they’re the Jets so it’s not that crazy at all). No, Case Keenum hasn’t caught the same lightning in a bottle he had last season. But he hasn’t been that bad, and I’m not sure the Jets score a single point this game. This is so obvious it has me thinking I’m wrong, but we all know that never happens.

Pick: Broncos

Baltimore Ravens (-3) at Cleveland Browns

Did you know the Ravens are currently second in the league in defensive DVOA? And that the Browns are fourth? Well now you do. What I’m saying is take the under, because this one’s going to be ugly. I’m curious how the Browns will find a way to lose/tie, but one thing I already know is that they’ll cover. They’re 3-1 ATS year. Ride it until further notice.

Pick: Browns

Miami Dolphins at Cincinatti Bengals (-5.5)

Damn, can’t believe the Dolphins weren’t actually for real. Never saw it coming. Now we just need to wait for the Bengals “Damn, can’t believe they weren’t actually for real,” moment. Don’t worry, though. It’s not coming this week.

Pick: Bengals

Jacksonville Jaguars at Kansas City Chiefs (-3)

Yuge game. Yuuuuuuuge. God Mahomes shredded the Broncos in Mile High in his *worst* game of the season, and now he gets to face the best defense in the NFL. For the sake of sanity and reason, many people are hoping this is the game where throwing touchdowns in NFL isn’t easier than waking up in the morning for him. I mean, he can’t always be this good, can he? I’m here to tell you that yes, he can. He’s a stud, and studs play their best when facing other studs, and the Jags have eleven that are gonna be trying to kill him. The only thing is, playing well against the Jags is different than playing well against everyone else. And the Chiefs play defense in the most theoretical sense possible. You know who dominates bad defenses? Blake Bortles, who has baffled the haters with his solid play this year. Maybe I’m just hoping the Jags keep beating good teams so the Pats look better, but I don’t think the Chiefs win this one.

Pick: Jags

Tennessee Titans (-5) at Buffalo Bills

Only being favored by five against the Bills is as insulting as insulting gets. Mike Vrabel’s 3-1, for crying out loud! Call me when the Bills win three games. I’ll be waiting in 2019.

Pick: Titans

Oakland Raiders at Los Angeles Chargers (-4.5)

Did you know the Raiders used to have Khalil Mack? Jon Gruden apparently doesn’t, because he can’t stop hinting at how badly they’d like him. He also can’t stop shredding the GM publicly. Good sign! Chargers by a million.

Pick: Chargers

Los Angeles Rams (-7.5) at Seattle Seahawks

Seahawks look bad, man. Like, real bad. And they just lost their best defensive player. I feel bad for all those 12s who discovered football existed in 2012, because I don’t think they’ll know how to handle a bad Seahawks team. Considering there’s a decent chance we’ll be talking about this Rams team for many years to come, I’d be surprised if the score was within 35.

Pick: Rams

Minnesota Vikings at Philadelphia Eagles (-3)

So I guess the Vikings defense just stinks now? They’re giving up a 105.9 quarterback rating. That’s bad, if you didn’t know. Very bad. Eagles really should be 4-0 right now, and have, at times, looked every bit the defending champions. The only thing the Vikings have going for them is Kirk Cousins’s familiarity with the Eagles and the fact that it can’t possibly get worse. Those are two bad things to rely on.

Pick: Eagles

Arizona C*******s at San Francisco 49ers (-4)

Folks, I have some bad news. In the flurry of moving to a new city and getting familiar with my surroundings, I missed my chance to get tickets to this year’s New York Comic Con. Normally, I know none of you would care. But last year’s NYCC produced arguably the greatest video in the history of the Internet. Sadly, there will not be a sequel. I accept all responsibility for my actions.

Pick: 49ers

Dallas Cowboys at Houston Texans (-3)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SKdN1xQBjk

Pick: Cowboys

Washington Redskins at New Orleans Saints (-6.5)

Adrian Peterson revenge game? Adrian Peterson revenge game. I fully expect AP to try and truck Sean Payton on the sideline, which will surely draw a 15 yard penalty. As is the case with any Alex Smith-led team, the Redskins have been quietly pretty good in their three games this year (by the way, I’d protest any bye week scheduled before week 9. A week 4 bye is just asking for everyone on the team to get injured). But they’re so boring. And you can’t pick against the Saints on Monday night in the Superdome. You just can’t.

Pick: Saints

Monday Thoughts, Week 4

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Welcome to the week 4 edition of Monday Thoughts™. Hopefully you know the drill by now, since it’s a pretty simple segment to grasp. Yuuuge week in the National Football League, by why just tell you about it when I can insert sponsored tweets sent by official accounts?

  • I’m not going to gloat, because excitement over a week 4 win against the Dolphins is beneath me, but I hope everyone realized how right I was/am about this Patriots’ season. Literally the only question left league-wide is who’s playing them in the Super Bowl.
  • If only the Pats had playmakers!
  • Someone get Brady some weapons, already!
  • This Michel guy stinks! What a bust!
  • Live look at the hatersgiphy
  • Kind of feel bad for the Falcons. Still haven’t recovered from the time they were leading the Patriots 28-3 in the third quarter of the Super Bowl. My heart goes out to them.
  • This guy is an NFL QB and NOT a tertiary punching bag in an 80s high school movie
  • No team benefitted more from the switch from Reebok to Nike than the Bengals. The orange shoulder pads were made slightly smaller and it turned them into a bottom-five jersey to somewhere in the middle of the pack. Always had a top-five helmet, though.
  • Hilarious TD. Cramps or whatever it was will never not be funny when they happen to someone else.
  • If every member of the Falcons’ offense besides Julio Jones turns up dead in a ditch somewhere, I think Julio is to blame. He’s totally not mad that he never scores TDs. Matter of fact, it’s funny to him. He’s actually laughing.
  • Turns out Josh Allen does, in fact, stink. Who would have known?
  • Yung GOAT went 16/33 for 151 yards 0 tds and 2 picks against a pretty bad defense. What the hell happened against Minnesota?
  • (Actually, been asking what happened to Minnesota a lot this season….)
  • I feel like you should get seven points if you intercept an Aaron Rodgers pass, especially if you’re a stinky team.
  • Glad LeBron finally followed his passion and joined the NFL, amirite???
  • I feel like the traditionalists dislike the Packers’ Acme throwbacks since they’re not green, but I kind of like them. Not enough wacky jerseys in the NFL. Gotta be hell on the equipment staff who have to take the helmet decals off every helmet only to put them back on a week later.buffalo-bills-v-green-bay-packers-5bb1551114db2f821e000001
  • There’s something comforting in knowing that the Bills’ official post-game wrap up is sponsored by an electrical contracting company. Something fancier wouldn’t suit Buffalo.
  • I think Mitchell Trubisky was listening to the haters/playing the worst pass defense of all time. Six TDs from a Bears QB? In this economy?
  • Let’s check in on the Bears’ Twitter graphics
  • Good looking pirate.
  • Now that Fitzmagic is rightly over for 2018, I no longer have any interest in Bucs games outside funny Jameis Winston plays. Nothing can capture the pure thrill and ecstasy you feel when in the throes of Fitzmagic.
  • The Titans are going to win 11 games and it’s going to make no sense whatsoever.
  • I’ve still got some of my Mariota stock left. Better buy in now before the price goes way up.
  • Decent celly
  • Honestly don’t know how the Eagles lost. Felt like Wentz was doing whatever he wanted the whole game. Guess they just got intimidated by Mike Vrabel. Can’t say I blame them.
  • Jets STINK. I only thought there’d be one 1-15 team in the AFC East, but turns out we’re gonna have two. Good thing their one win came in the Super Bowl, though.
  • The more teams Blake Bortles shreds to pieces, the better I’ll feel about the Pats D. The real test will come when he faces the Bills’ lockdown defense, of course.
  • Jags shouldn’t go all white. Just kind of looks off. Needs some teal
  • If there isn’t a Dick’s Wings and Grill on every street corner in Jacksonville something’s wrong. Does Jacksonville have streets? I just kind of picture a never ending strip mall.
  • Speaking of jerseys teams shouldn’t wear:yikes.
  • Golden Tate celebrating long before entering the end zone will always be funny
  • The year is sometime between 1954 and 2018:
  • I’m choosing to mostly ignore the victorious Cowboys because they are trying to literally bore me to death, but I will say that Dak Prescott threw for over 200 yards today, so he’s almost an NFL quarterback again!
  • Yes, Andrew Luck had a massive game and almost singlehandedly dragged the Colts to a win before losing in overtime to a winless opponent. If you think that means I’ll say he’s good you’ve got another thing coming.
  • Sick throw, though
  • Respect the GOAT
  • Remember when he won three titles with the Pats? I do. It was awesome.
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, part 4
  • Didn’t realize KeKe Coutee was in the league. People forget he played with God Mahomes in college (just kidding, people don’t forget that. Mostly because literally only I knew it in the first place).
  • Deshaun Watson is no longer done. Thus is the law of the NFL.
  • Me when someone tries to get me to watch Seahawks-C*******s
  • Good to know the new-era Browns are still the Browns.
  • Imagine thinking one person can tackle Marshawn Lynch
  • Pretty brutal game by the refs in this one, but it’s good to know they got the important calls right
  • Blatant call, folks. Don’t know what to tell you neanderthals who don’t want to protect the QBs.
  • Always liked Arden Key because of Ardyn from Final Fantasy XV, which I loved but the hardo Final Fantasy purists say isn’t great. They’re wrong, and that’s my final say on the matter.
  • When did Jared Cook become good? Talk about weird.
  • Another dece celly
  • Raiders football! Catch the fever!
  • Can’t believe CJ Beathard scored 27 points in an NFL game.
  • Love lumbering white guy long touchdowns
  • I know the people of L.A. couldn’t be bothered to actually go, but I like the StubHub Center and think the Chargers should stay and not move in with the Rams. I like the small, intimate feeling it gives. The Chargers also shouldn’t be in a hurry to add 60,000 empty seats to their bill.
  • Yikes
  • Derwin James is good. Very good.
  • Michael Thomas and Alvin Kamara only combined for nine catches. Needless to say I was quite upset.
  • Alvin Kamara: good
  • Saints’ Color Rush jersey rating: 9/10
  • Saints have the second best offense in the league and a sort-of-improving defense, but they lost in week one so they’re disqualified from playoff contention. I don’t make the rules.
  • It’s been four weeks. I’m finally ready to comment on NBC’s new Sunday Night Football intro song. I don’t like it. The one from the last couple years stunk too, but it was better than this. Why they ditched the absolute BANGER that was “Waiting All Day for Sunday Night” I’ll never know.
  • Football intro song power ranking: 1. Waiting All Day 2. Are You Ready for Some Football (Jason Derulo/ Florida Georgia Line remix) 3. Are You Ready for Some Football (original) 4. CBS music 5. Fox music 6. Ohh Sunday Night (don’t know official name) 7. It’s Sunday Night (don’t know official name).
  • America Idol Winner power ranking: 1. Kelly Clarkson 2. Taylor Hicks 3. Carrie Underwood 4. Phil Phillips 5. Scottie McCreery
  • Americal Idol non-Winner power ranking: 1. Daughtry 2. Sanjaya Malakar 3. Bo Bice 4. Casey Abrams 5. Pia Toscano
  • I’m not used to Joe Flacco being efficient. Maybe Lamar Jackson finally lit a fire under his Joe Cool ass.
  • Steelers are such hot trash. People actually thought they would win the Super Bowl this year.
  • What the hell?
  • I get easily triggered by This is Us commercials, mostly because I’ve only watched episode when I was sitting on the floor in a state of shock after the Super Bowl some random February night and I didn’t have the energy to change the channel. All I know is that the dad died in a house fire. Spoiler alert, sorry.
  • I’m already getting annoyed at the inevitable Ravens-Pats playoff game. I think this might be the one that kills me.
  • This might be a hot take, but I have to throw it out there: I love NFL Sundays more than pretty much anything in the entire world. Feels good to get it off my chest.

NFL Week 4 Picks

NFL: Minnesota Vikings at Los Angeles Rams

A couple thoughts ran through my head as I was watching the second consecutive genuinely exciting Thursday night game. First, I like that the Rams moved to L.A. before hiring Sean McVay. This Rams offense is too good for St. Louis. It’s too flashy, too explosive, too fun to watch. This team is the perfect L.A. squad. The good folks of Middle America would have no idea how to handle this level of glitz and glamour on the football field. It’s not their fault, it’s just in their DNA. Second, I’m conflicted about Cooper Kupp and Adam Thielen. While seeing them dominate NFL defenses keeps the dream alive, I like my white receivers 5’9″ and under, sneaky athletic, gritty, and only out there to move the chains. This new generation of actually athletic guys who can create explosive plays and score at will? I don’t know. I just don’t trust them. Third, this was an excellent jersey matchup. The Rams’ throwbacks are always money and the Vikings’ white with purple pants look is great, as well. Fourth, this was the ultimate Kirk Cousins game- big stats, some crazy throws, never really threatening enough to make the better team nervous. This game was so good I’m convinced the rest of this week is going to be absolutely terrible! Some real stinkers on the horizon folks. The bill always comes for good Thursday night games.

Buffalo Bills at Green Bay Packers (-10)

I respect my readers’ intelligence too much to insinuate that last week’s improbable domination of the Vikings was anything more that a fluke Bills win, but this is still giving me pause. The Packers might actually stink. Their defense is bad, they can’t run the ball, and if Aaron Rodgers isn’t 110% they can’t really pass, either. Those are pretty big concerns, IMO. Still, the Bills can’t cover two road games in a row, can they? I’ll just flip a coin. Actually, you know what? Out of respect for the Yung GOAT Josh Allen, I’ll pick the Bills.

Pick: Bills

Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots (-7)

Pats don’t lose three straight games, alright? It just doesn’t happen. The only way to get me even slightly concerned about this Pats season would be losing this game, and now that I’ve made that known, I know the Pats will dominate. You think Bill doesn’t read? You think Tom isn’t staying up to date on the happenings of briansden69.com? Please. This is already over. RIP Dolphins, congrats on starting 3-0.

Pick: Pats

Detroit Lions at Dallas Cowboys (-3)

Every Cowboys game makes me want to puke, and this is no different. I already know how boring this is gonna be. The Cowboys will just bleed the clock out and score 17 points, and the Lions will be frustrated in the first half then come storming back in the fourth, only to run out of time as Dak throws for 168 yards. At least it’s not in prime time.

Pick: Cowboys

Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts (-1.5)

You really just have to turn your brain off for this one, but they way the NFL works the Texans are about to win 40-0. The second your season ends is when the bad teams kick it into high gear. And honestly, I’m still not ruling out a 9-7 finish for Houston, either. Also Andrew Luck is bad.

Pick: Texans

Tampa Bay Bucs at Chicago Bears (-3)

I don’t think it’s a stretch to call this the season finale of Fitzmagic. And what a run it was. Just Monday night was the perfect encapsulation of his entire career. The lowest lows imaginable coupled with some preposterously high highs. The Bucs pretty much have to throw him out there for one last ride before putting Jameis back in after the bye, so cherish this game. The mixture of Fitz and Khalil Mack will undoubtedly lead to hilarity. A few terrible picks, a few amazing throws, probably another 400 yard game because why not, and a hard-fought Bucs loss. This is a big game for Mitch Trubisky, too. If he still looks bad against a suspect Bucs defense, the rumblings are going to get real loud.

Pick: Bears

Philadelphia Eagles (-4) at Tennessee Titans

How about this game and Bucs-Bears being the only two games where both teams have winning records this week? Mike Vrabel, grinding out wins like nobody’s business. Listen, the Titans just signed Austin Davis as emergency QB because Blaine Gabbert got hurt. That’s pretty much all you need to know. There’s no Eagles version of the Bad Bortles Game.

Pick: Eagles

Cincinatti Bengals at Atlanta Falcons (-4)

Can we talk about how cool of a name Ito Smith is? It’s a pretty cool name. Anyway, I’m curious to see how the Falcons will avoid giving the ball to Julio Jones in the red zone, because his inability to score touchdowns is one of my favorite current storylines. Will Dissly has two receiving touchdowns and Julio has zero. Calvin Ridley has more touchdowns this year already than Julio had last year. It’s insanity. Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but the Falcons are a popular Super Bowl pick who have yet to really get going. Like always, the Bengals are just kind of there, inoffensively good. I don’t want to call this a must win for the Falcons, but this is a must win for the Falcons.

Pick: Falcons

New York Jets at Jacksonville Jaguars (-7.5)

Dear god. Pray for Sam Darnold, an impressionable youngster who is already getting corrupted by Jets stink. Remember when they won the Super Bowl in week 1? Such a crazy time. The universe always corrects itself, yet another reason I know the Pats aren’t going anywhere. The Jets will never be good, will never have a good quarterback, and will always be an embarrassment. So it is written, so it shall be done.

Pick: Jags

Seattle Seahawks (-3) at Arizona C*******s

Next.

Pick: Seahawks

Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders (-3)

The fact that the Raiders are still favored despite looking poopy and Baker Mayfield getting the start has me questioning everything I’ve ever known. I was sure the Browns would be able to capitalize on a rare positive result and start their first winning streak since the Korean War, but now I don’t know. This game has burrowed deep into my brain and refuses to leave. I know taking the Raiders is a sucker pick, here, but I can’t help it. I’m taking the cheese.

Pick: Raiders

New Orleans Saints (-3.5) at New York Giants

As I alluded to in this week’s Monday Thoughts™, I’m addicted to crazy reception totals, particularly when they don’t come with a ton of yards. Mike Furrey getting 98 catches for barely 1,000 yards in 06 was my favorite receiving season ever until Jarvis Landry had 192 catches for 400 yards last year. Both Michael Thomas and Alvin Kamara are averaging at least ten catches a game and less than eleven yards per catch. This makes me very happy and I want it to continue all season. Giants already won their Super Bowl by not starting 0-3 and are begging to get steamrolled.

Pick: Saints

San Francisco 49ers at Los Angeles Chargers (-10.5)

Next time you hear someone complain about roughing the passer penalties, force them to watch every 49er game for the rest of the season. There’s a reason QBs are a protected species, and it rhymes with C.J. Beathard starting games in prime time.

Pick: Chargers

Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers (-3)

My sources are confirming that these two teams don’t like each other. In fact, any and all reports of love being lost between the two sides are utterly FALSE and should be disregarded. Did you know these games are physical? I didn’t, but the people on TV recently told me they were. As I said last week, I’ve got the Ravens figured out this year, and losing this game by a lot is very on brand. The only thing that might keep the Steelers from running away with it is the lack of drama they’ve dealt with this week, which is the fuel that keeps the Steelers Express going.

Pick: Steelers

Kansas City Chiefs (-5) at Denver Broncos

This game is happening in October, which means we’ve got one more month of Chiefs dominance before everything starts to fall apart. Pat “God” Mahomes has shown no sign of being even slightly phased by NFL defenses, and I don’t really expect that to change. Yes, it’s in Denver, and yes, they have Von Miller, but this ain’t 2015, anymore. Having a Sunday off is kind of like a mini-bye, and no one beats Andy Reid after a bye.

Pick: Chiefs

Monday Thoughts Week 3

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It’s some more Monday Thoughts™ coming directly at your face, whether you want them or not. I suggest you buckle up, because week 3 was a pretty wild ride. Who can predict the NFL, amirite? So much parity, just how Overlord Goodell likes it. On to the games.

  • Turns out Patrick Mahomes is still God. Pity unto us mortals who can’t do this
  • I think it’s safe to call the Chiefs a wagon, but, according to their official Twitter account, the four sacks they piled up today were NOT enough to give the good people of the Kansas City metro area a BOGO Big Mac. Sad.
  • R.I.P. in peace Jimmy G. Gone, but not forgotten.
  • Unfortunately, now that the 49ers’ season is over, the last 62,398 teams to be picked as the hot sleeper team have failed to live up to expectations.
  • Damn, turns out the Bengals can’t beat tough competition. I’m surprised, at least.
  • The Panthers have a partnership with Krispy Kreme where you can get a dozen for $5.99 if the Panthers win, so maybe the Bengals actually just threw the game?
  • You: “I wonder what it would look like if an Amish guy became the ringleader of an early 20th-century circus.” Me:
  • I legit don’t know what the hell happened to the Vikings. The Bills are still the worst team in the league, this win didn’t change that. But they totally dominated what was supposed to be an elite Super Bowl contender. How does that happen?
  • Oh, yeah. The Bills have Josh Allen, aka Yung GOAT
  • They also forced a trillion fumbles and recovered all of them and got really lucky all game so it was just a fluke, but still.
  • But the Vikings officially stink.
  • Case Keenum….not the next Kurt Warner
  • People forget Ray Lewis killed two guys
  • Coherent as ever, Ray! Love listening to you speak.
  • The fact that some games this week were more boring than Broncos-Ravens is simply preposterous.
  • One more time for the people in the back: ANDREW LUCK ISN’T GOOD AND ONLY HAS A GOOD REPUTATION BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO ADMIT THEY WERE WRONG ABOUT HIM BEING THE NEXT ELWAY.
  • They even put my boy Jacoby Brissett in for the Hail Mary since Luck’s arm is so shot.
  • Still, if you haven’t seen Darius Leonard play yet, you should. He’s awesome
  • Carson Wentz is back, proving yet again that NFL coaches have no idea what they’re doing. How can you bench a Super Bowl MVP?
  • Texans are dead. But they’ll definitely go deep into the playoffs this year.
  • I feel like there’s going to be some whispers about Deshaun Watson’s play this year, but he is coming off a major knee injury and his offensive line is one of the worst in the league. He also compounds things by refusing to throw the ball less than ten minutes after the ball is snapped. I wouldn’t panic or anything, but a few more weird games like this and the questions might become legitimate.
  • JJ Watt is back, at least.
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, pt. 2
  • There are a lot of boring team Twitter accounts, but the Giants might have the most banal. If you can find any personality there, let me know.
  • Giants should switch to white pants permanently
  • Adrian Peterson 120 yards and 2 tds on only 17 carries? Really hope I actually woke up in 2010 because my life was significantly better then.
  • Clay Matthews’s life is so hard and he gets called for bad penalties wah, wah, wah
  • Don’t know what to tell people. That’s a clear roughing the passer. Has been since the 70s. Learn the game.
  • Feel like Aaron Rodgers should just get surgery or something before his leg falls off his body. D.C. grass takes years off healthy legs, who knows what it does to torn ACLs.
  • If a team wins its first three games but no one in the world cares, does it really count? Dolphins fans say yes.
  • Ryan Tannehill’s really taken a step forward this season. Just look at this pass!
  • Raiders stink, as we all figured. The haters will say the Dolphins don’t stink, but the real ones know they really do stink. Week one was so weird you can just throw it out the window, then they played the Jets and Raiders, who have one combined win. Dolphins stink, don’t worry.
  • Big XII football is slowly making its way into the NFL, and we finally saw the defensive strategies that dominate the conference come up to the big leagues in the Saints-Falcons game.
  • Both Michael Thomas and Alvin Kamara are on pace to shatter the single season reception record. I don’t even know why I am this way, but I want this so bad. I’ve always been obsessed with reception numbers. Jarvis Landry getting 100 catches for like 700 yards last year was my dream. I need as many guys with 100 catches as possible.
  • Drew Vick?
  • Drew Brees became the all time leader in completions, will become the all time leader in yards next week or the week after, and will become the all time leader in TDs next season. Sooooo, who still thinks Peyton Manning is the GOAT?
  • Julio Jones’ comical inability to score touchdowns is becoming my favorite NFL storyline.
  • Titans-Jags was the worst game of all time. Period.
  • Fire teal pants, though
  • Rams are entering “so good they’re boring” territory.
  • However, both Marcus Peters and Aqib Talib might miss games with injury. Too bad they still have two of the ten best defensive tackles of all time and the best offense in the league.
  • Phil Rivers down two scores at 6:45pm is my adult blanket.
  • I would like to ignore Bears-C*******s, but I just can’t.
  • If I were a Bears fan, I’d be kind of nervous about Mitchell. Actually, scratch that. I’d be really nervous about Mitchell.
  • I don’t know how many of you follow the Bears Twitter account (just me? Really?), but it’s really weird. For starters, they don’t use the word “the,” opting for the always relevant “da.” Really keeping a beloved, evergreen bit alive. Also, they use these comic book graphics that I kind of love:
  • Just a little fun little slice of life in the bleak hellscape of pro sports team Twitter accounts.
  • Petition to ban the C*******s from the league.
  • Dak Prescott STINKS. He’s really bad. Like, one of the worst in the league. He’s dreadful.
  • Every Cowboy game is always the second most boring game of the week. Thank God they don’t play the C*******s.
  • Damn, crazy they cancelled the Sunday night game. Weird move.
  • This obviously isn’t going according to plan thus far, but if I know anything, I know that the Pats are going to massacre the Dolphins next week. Book it.

NFL Week 3 Picks

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Folks, we’ve officially entered a new age in the National Football League: the Age of the Browns Being Able to Win Football Games. Or are we still just stuck in the Age of the Jets Always Losing? As an eternal optimist, I’ll give the Browns the benefit of the doubt. And is it any surprise that a team that decided to partake in the now optional Color Rush turned to an exciting new chapter in franchise history? No, it really isn’t. The brown jersey haters were absolutely beside themselves last night, and they simply couldn’t believe how good Baker Mayfield looked slinging the rock wearing that chocolate gear. Baker looks good (which I knew he would be even though I might not have ever said it on here and he was also the number one overall pick so it’s not like I was going out on a limb or anything), which is more than can be said for a Browns’ QB since Derek Anderson. Yikes. We’ve got another couple weeks of success before the Browns fans go from feel-good losers to annoying, mind-bendingly arrogant assholes because that’s what happens in 2018 when long-dormant teams have a morsel of success (quite possibly my absolute least-favorite social media trend of all time), so enjoy it while you can. Anyway, on to the rest of week 3. All lines from Bovada.

Remember when the Jets won the Super Bowl in Week 1?

Buffalo Bills at Minnesota Vikings (-17)

There is no line big enough to scare me away from picking against the Bills. They are astoundingly bad.

Pick: Vikings

Green Bay Packers (-3) at Washington Redskins

Knowing Aaron Rodgers may or may not be playing on a torn ACL has to be worrying for anyone with a vested interest in the Packers’ long term success, but that shouldn’t really matter for this week. The Redskins just got beat down by the Colts, and the Colts are quite bad. Pretty sure Deshone Kizer could cover this one.

Pick: Packers

Denver Broncos at Baltimore Ravens (-5)

The Ravens are 100% going to be the team no one can figure out all year and everyone is surprised when they sneak into the playoffs. Not me, though. Call it PTSD, but I’m keen to the Ravens’ game, here. I know the Bills are dreadful, but beating an NFL team by 40 is hard, and the Bengals might actually be pretty good. West team coming east for a 1 o’clock game away from their massive home field advantage? Ravens might win comfortably, only to lose next week by 24.

Pick: Ravens

Indianapolis Colts at Philadelphia Eagles (-7)

For some reason, Carson Wentz is back. Why they’re rushing him back to face an inferior opponent in week 3? Your guess is as good as mine. Still this actually gives me hope for the Colts, here. I don’t care how good you are, unless you’re Adrian Peterson the first few games back from an ACL are gonna be rocky. This should be ugly and low scoring, which means the underdogs should be able to hang in.

Pick: Colts

San Francisco 49ers at Kansas City Chiefs (-7)

We’re still in the middle of the early season Chiefs blitzkrieg, so don’t be surprised if they jump out to a 21-0 lead on a still-sleepy Niners D. However, and no one really wants to address this, the Chiefs defense is complete trash. They’re going to invite the Niners to get back into the game. Jimmy G has looked a little shaky this year. If he can’t take advantage of this Chiefs “defense?” They won’t be coming from me, but some people might start asking some questions.

Pick: Chiefs

New York Giants at Houston Texans (-6)

Wait, the Texans are 0-2 and just lost to Blaine Gabbert and are six point favorites? How bad are the Giants? The answer is very. This games makes me want to puke, so I’ll just move on.

Pick: Texans

New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons (-3)

I think it might be time to be sort of worried about the Saints. A loss to the cosmic force known as Fitzmagic is no shame, but a near loss to a pre-Baker, pre-Color Rush Browns? Both at home? I don’t know, man. They’re good for fantasy purposes, but they might not be good in real life. The Falcons, meanwhile, might actually be very good. Everyone wrote them off after an opening night loss, but if they climb back to 2-1 with three tough games back-to-back-to-back, they might start to forget they blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl.

Pick: Falcons

Cincinatti Bengals at Carolina Panthers (-3)

Bengals-Panthers- maybe a good game? Who would have thought? The Bengals are in their perfect sweet spot right now: win enough games to get everyone asking if they’re actually good, only to lose enough important games to let everyone know they aren’t. I think we’re going to move into the second stage of the formula on Sunday. Plus, come on. Andy Dalton on the road in a Hurricane Game? Please.

Pick: Panthers

Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins (-3)

Someone wake me up when this game ends.

Pick: Dolphins

Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars (-6.5)

I’m pretty sure Blaine Gabbert is starting again. Yeah.

Pick: Jags

Los Angeles Chargers at Los Angeles Rams (-7)

It’s the crosstown battle no one asked for! Get excited! I actually think this game is perfect for a Phil Rivers backdoor special. Rams will go up early, kind of take their foot off the gas, Chargers come roaring back to get within four, Rams either go on a clock-killing drive or cause a backbreaking turnover, game over. All those Angeleno Charger fans go home sad.

Pick: Chargers

Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks (-1.5)

Seahawks might be bad. Like, real bad. Every single game is 100% Russell Wilson or bust. They’ve got no playmakers anywhere. And the Dallas defense is apparently good now. If their offense is good enough (tough ask because Dak stiiiiiiiinks), they might win this easily. Seahawks still being favored is a legacy pick pure and simple.

Pick: Cowboys

Chicago Bears (-5.5) at Arizona C*******s

If you’re new, I’m officially censoring the Arizona team name because I care about my readers’ well-being and don’t want to trigger any suicidal thoughts by mentioning the worst offense of all time. Anyway, I’ve got a bit of a dilemma on my hands. I need a haircut. Finally, after months of searching, I found someone I like. Only problem is, in between the last time I went and now, she (yeah, it’s a she, nbd. Sorry I’m fancier than all you guys that get a $15 buzz cut from your boy down the street) moved to a job. Now, I found her new place via her Instagram (which I don’t follow and she never told me to follow, I’m just a good detective) (I’m 90% sure she’s lesbian so it’s less weird). We got along well enough, but it’s not like we were hanging out every day, or anything. Would it be okay to show up to her new place? Or would that be way too creepy? Do I have to start my search yet again? Why is my life so hard?

Pick: Bears

New England Patriots (-7) at Detroit Lions

The big question going into this game is, of course, what to expect from Josh Gordon? Honestly, maybe 10 snaps? Which means he’ll get 8 catches for 207 yards and 3 tds. Don’t want to set expectations too high. Patricia owes the Pats big time for getting him this job, so this one will be over quickly.

Pick: Pats

Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs

Remember when the Steelers were going to win the Super Bowl this year because they had so much talent and they were finally going to put it all together? Good times. They’re falling apart at the seams, and when all your best players are raging assholes all day everyday, it’s kind of tough to bring it back together. And now they have to go on the road to Fitzmagic’s house? Uh-oh. We may see multiple deaths on Monday night, one of which may be Jameis Winston’s career. Steelers’ D is so bad Fitz might put up 500 yards. But the Steelers are definitely beating the Pats this year.

Pick: Bucs