Category: Sports

You know what’s annoying? When your almost 10-year-old laptop starts turning off when you touch it or move it the wrong way. It’s added an extra level of suspense and danger to every second of computer use that I’m not sure I really wanted. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking “just get a new one.” Why didn’t I think of that? It’s true, I could probably afford a new one after all this time. But, and I don’t want to spill the beans too early, here, there’s going to be some potential content coming in the not-so-distant future that requires me to be as liquid as possible. So we’re putting new laptop in the “I could do something about it if I really wanted to but I think I’ll just complain about it, hope it gets better, and wish for one to magically appear” category. You know what else is annoying? Construction work at 7am. Like, fellas, come on. Just because you have to wake up at four in the morning for work doesn’t mean I do. Can’t you do literally anything else but use heavy machinery two feet from my window when I’m trying to hold on to the wonderful world of dreams? There was football last night, but I knew the Eagles would win because their season was on the line. Good teams win season-on-the-line games, fraud teams lose other teams’ season-on-the-line games. Simple as that. I’m #done with the Packers, which I’m very happy about. Not relevant to anything since he’s just their second tight end, but Dallas Goedert has rocks for hands. Literal rocks. Eagles can’t be thrilled they used a first-round pick on him. Also, I’ve been keeping track of the worst players I’ve seen this year, and out of respect for his scary injury I won’t say Eagles cornerback Avonte Maddox is number one, but yeah. Noah Fant and Josh Norman can sleep easy knowing they still share the crown. Week 4 could be good, which means it probably won’t be. All lines from Bovada.

Carolina Panthers at Houston Texans (-4)

I’ll tell you what, man. This Kyle Allen? This guy’s got it, man. Something about these guys with two first names, man. Gives them double the quarterbacking prowess. Kyle Allen, Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Peyton Manning, the list goes on. Just adds a bit of moxie on top. This guy Kyle Allen, man. I like to call him the sheriff because he’s always in command out there.

Pick: Panthers +4

Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens (-7)

I’ll say it: Freddie Kitchens is one of the worst coaches I’ve ever seen. Really don’t know how you interview him and come out of it thinking he’s qualified to be a head coach. He looks like every fat, stupid waste of space that takes up the aisles of every Walmart south of Rowayton. What talents does he have, besides being the dumbest person alive? Headscratching decision by Browns management, which is something I’ve never said before. I’m officially retiring the bit about Baker Mayfield’s army of imaginary haters, because he’s got a very real hater: me. Guy stinks. Ravens by 10,000.

Pick: Ravens -7

Kansas City Chiefs (-7) at Detroit Lions

I’ve been all over the Lions this year, but I’ve got some bad news for my friends in Detroit. The allures and culture of Detroit are enough to intimidate the soft Cali Brahs, but Kansas City is the Shambhala of Middle America. They’ve ascended to the highest plane of Midwestern existence. They have cold, but it’s not as bad as Detroit. They have delicious, unhealthy food, but their’s is way better than Detroit’s. They have a lot of industrial plants, but they’re less run down and depressing than Detroit’s are. Nothing the poor Lions can do about it. Just going against a better model.

Pick: Chiefs -7

Los Angeles Chargers (-15.5) at Miami Dolphins

It can never be high enough.

Pick: Chargers -15.5

New England Patriots (-7.5) at Buffalo Bills

Much like when I was a naive and foolish man living in Week 2 of the 2019 NFL season, I must reiterate that the Patriots have never been picked against in Brian’s Den history. That streak won’t end here, but the signs are there. Bills defense is crazy good, Pats have two receivers and no running game, that’s kind of it. I mean, listen, the Pats are still going to win. I know it, you know it, the Bills know it. But it’s gonna be really ugly and really low scoring. That being said, gotta pick the Pats because Tom Brady is the mayor of Buffalo.

Pick: Pats -7.5

Oakland Raiders at Indianapolis Colts (-7)

What’s up with all these uncommon Raiders road games? Can’t ever remember seeing a Raiders-Colts game, even though the rules of the league dictate that it happens at least once every four years. Raiders are really bad, man. Like, really bad.

Pick: Colts -7

Tennessee Titans at Atlanta Falcons (-4)

You know what? I’m going to say three good things about the Falcons. The first is that they aren’t the Titans. The second is that it’s been 964 days since they blew a 28-3 lead in Super Bowl against the Patriots, so they’re definitely not still thinking about it every second of the day. The third is that I LOVE them this week. Might be my favorite game on the board. Falcons are back (even though they keep losing).

Pick: Falcons -4

Washington Redskins at New York Giants (-3)

Daniel Jones! Without Saquon! Yeah!

Pick: Giants -3

Seattle Seahawks (-5.5) at Arizona Cardinals

Cardinals capital S Stink. The only problem is, there’s a secret chance the Seahawks might, too. I can smell this backdoor from 2,497 miles away. If you’re wondering what an Arizona backdoor smells like, imagine if a cigarette factory had a serious outbreak of athlete’s foot that went untreated for three weeks.

Pick: Cardinals +5.5

Tampa Bay Bucs at Los Angeles Rams (-10)

Rams had been undervalued in the first three weeks, but this feels like an overcorrection. Favored by 10? Against the Bucs? Against Jameis on the road? Against Bruce Arians, who’s made preposterous decisions in back-to-back weeks and might be going senile? Against a defense that allowed Daniel Jones to completely shred them? Okay, it might not be too big of a stretch.

Pick: Rams -10

Jacksonville Jaguars at Denver Broncos (-3)

After declaring that I liked Gardner Minshew, I was appointed the official public liaison for all Jaguars affairs. I didn’t ask for it, but the team was so shocked anyone was talking about them they jumped on the opportunity to get more press. And, since they have been unable to reach him, they’ve asked me to extend an olive branch to Jalen Ramsey, the best player in franchise history. I have prepared a statement:

Jalen,

How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? How can we start over when the fighting never ends? Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends? How can we be lovers if we can’t be, can’t be friends? Look at us now, look at us, baby. Still tryin’ to work it out, never get it right. We must be fools, we must be crazy. Whoa, Whoa, when there’s no communication. Whoa, whoa, it’s a no-win situation. How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? How can we start over when the fighting never ends? Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends? Tell me how can we be lovers if can’t be friends? We lie awake, this wall between us. We’re just not talkin’, we got so much to say. Let’s break these chains, our love can free us. Whoa, whoa, ain’t it time we started trying? Whoa, whoa, gotta stop this love from dying. How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? How can we start over when the fighting never ends? Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends? Tell me how can we be lovers if can’t be friends? Baby, love is tough but we can make it. Baby, times are rough but we can make it. We can work it out. How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? How can we start over if the fighting never ends? Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends? Tell me how can we be lovers if can’t be, can’t be friends? How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? How can we start over if the fighting never ends? Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends? Tell me how can we be lovers if can’t be, can’t be friends?

Pick: Jags +3

Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears (-2)

So goddamn sick of watching Mitch Trubisky do literally anything. He’s not gonna be good this week. 178 yards, max. He might be the leading passer in the game, too, because the Vikings have taken Cousins-avoidance to an offensive level at this point. Like, I get he’s not great, but you gotta let him do something eventually. Otherwise, why did you bother signing him? Get both these teams out of my face and get the Bears out of the national conversation, please.

Pick: Vikings +2

Dallas Cowboys at New Orleans Saints (-3)

Here’s a fun story: December 19th, 2009 was a Saturday and I had to get up wicked early to go to a track meet in Burlington. For some reason, our bus got delayed and we got there too late for me to register for my one event (shotput). So I was stuck at a Vermont high school indoor track meet for like five or six hours with nothing to do. I wound up walking around the UVM campus by myself for at least an hour, but it was really cold and I hadn’t brought pants because I had assumed I would be participating in an athletic event. Then I tried to order a pizza, but it was either closed or the coach put the kibosh on it because it was a track meet or some other foolish reason. And on top of that, because I was a stupid 17-year-old, I hadn’t brought anything that might help me pass the time. Just had to watch a million track events, and all of my friends ran distance, which happened at the end of the meet. A truly, truly bleak way to spend a day. But I was able to spend some serious time talking to the girl I liked (yeah, nbd, I’ve talked to a girl before). Anyway, this is all to say that when I finally got home that night, the Cowboys were playing the Saints, who were 13-0 at the time, and there were more people at my house than usual, but I don’t remember the reason why. Think my dad had some friends over or something. The Cowboys won and I was pissed, because I loved that Saints team. This really has no bearing on Sunday night’s game, but I just had to get it off my chest.

Pick: Cowboys +3

Cincinnati Bengals at Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.5)

😦

Pick: Bengals +3.5

In a weird way, it’s comforting that in this ever-changing world, Titans-Jags still play on Thursday night and the games always suck. The entire game was an abomination. Derrick Henry and Gardner Minshew were the only offensive players doing anything, and all of their good plays were negated by penalty or drop. Good defense and all that, but it was just a classic Thursday night game that makes you question why you’ve dedicated your life to having any interest in this awful sport. Anyway, I got Pizza Hut for the first time in a while last night (go my Instagram for the reason), and what’s up with the new pie? New crust, felt thinned out, not remotely the same texture. What gives? I noticed in the ordering process that there was the standard crust and original pan was $2 extra. Why should I have to pay a premium to get what should be the default option? And why is there a $20 delivery minimum? It wasn’t one of the few times a year where I’m craving Pizza Hut, but I was still ready to have a few cold slices of Hut this morning. What I got was a Domino’s pizza in an NFL themed box. Not an anti-Domino’s stance, either, but if I wanted Domino’s I’d just get Domino’s. Get it together. On to the games, this week STINKS. All lines from Bovada.

Atlanta Falcons at Indianapolis Colts (-1)

Listen, I know he’s everyone’s favorite boy, but Carson Wentz is ass and the Falcons almost blew the game against him and a high school JV receiving corps. Jacoby Brissett hasn’t exactly been lighting it up so far, but Marlon Mack has. Big time. Plus, this an Adam Vinatieri Revenge Game (against the construct of time), and there’s an ironclad mandate that every Falcons primetime win must be followed by a Sunday afternoon loss. Whatever, this game sucks, I don’t care how bad this segment was.

Pick: Colts -1

Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs (-6)

Now we’re talking. Lamar vs. Mahomes. Harbaugh vs. Reid. A fun team putting up huge stats in garbage time vs. the team up 40 because they scored 63 points in the first half. It’s got everything, including what is sure to be a thrilling backdoor attempt in the waning seconds. I don’t trust the Chiefs defense to do much, but I do expect them to hold on for dear life just long enough.

Pick: Chiefs -6

Cincinnati Bengals at Buffalo Bills (-6)

Bengals legitimately have the worst defense I have ever seen in my life. I could make a few guys miss and pick up a decent chunk of yards against them, and they’re scheduled to face real-life NFL players this week. And every week after. I’m not a Dalton hater, but every single Bengals road game is an auto-pick, regardless of opponent. Josh Allen gets 250 yards rushing.

Pick: Bills -6

Denver Broncos at Green Bay Packers (-7.5)

This game makes me want to puke, but just think about this for a second: what if Green Bay was called Red Bay or something. Or something non-color related. Would the Packers still wear green? Or would they go even heavier into yellow? Without the shackles of the name Green Bay, would be they be avant-garde with their jersey color? Taupe jerseys? Crazy. Not quite as crazy as Kirk Cousins going 8-10 for 98 yards anyone thinking Joe Flacco can go on the road against a good defense and get anything positive out of it, but still crazy.

Pick: Packers

Detroit Lions at Philadelphia Eagles (-6)

Couldn’t pick the Lions fast enough. I know everyone crushes Matt Patricia, whatever. Not everyone can appreciate slovenly exPatriots who routinely make questionable coaching decisions, but I do. Guy was a rocket scientist, you know. Lions D is legit, and Carson Wentz SUCKS. I don’t care if I’m the only guy on this island. He’s so inconsistent, and when he’s bad there’s only two or three guys that consistently make worse throws (Matt Ryan, Ryan Fitzpatrick, maybe Flacco), he’s hurt every two seconds, and the team always gets better when he’s out. They literally won the Super Bowl without the presumptive MVP. He’s trash, and every receiver on the roster is hurt. Eagles suck. Stay tuned for Undisputed, next on FS1.

Pick: Lions +6

Miami Dolphins at Dallas Cowboys (-23.5)

Alright, come on, man. This is getting ridiculous. I know they’re one of the best teams in Sun Belt history, but the Dolphins don’t deserve this much respect.

Pick: Cowboys -23.5

New York Jets at New England Patriots (-23)

I’m legitimately upset that they think Luke Falk coming into Foxborough is a half-point better than anyone ever. More Pats disrespect. These massive lines are just taunting me and I have no choice but to take them.

Pick: -23

Oakland Raiders at Minnesota Vikings (-9)

I think canned drinks should be more available for individual sale. I get the cap increases the longevity of a beverage, but when I go into a corner store I’m not looking to nurse a deliciously refreshing Sprite lemon-lime soda all day. I’m looking to crush it in one sitting, possibly even in the period of time it takes me to get from the aforementioned store back to my house. Cans are just more satisfying. Popping the tab is half the fun, and you can’t tell me they don’t get colder than plastic bottles. I just want to be able to buy one can of non-alcoholic drink, I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I don’t want six, I want one. And more drinks should be canned. Canned water? Sure. Canned Gatorade? Why not? Canned Glaceau vitaminwater Ice? Hell yeah. They’re eco-friendly and make for a better drinking experience. Give me more cans and fewer games where Derek Carr faces Kirk Cousins.

Pick: Raiders +9

Carolina Panthers at Arizona Cardinals (-2.5)

Uh-oh, that’s Kyle Allen’s music! He’s looking to raise some hell! He’s looking to put together a video package of him and Kyler together at Texas A&M from before Kyler transferred that they play three separate times during the game! Someone stop this man! (disregard if Cam Newton plays for some reason)

Pick: Cardinals -2.5

New York Giants at Tampa Bay Bucs (-6)

Has anyone made this joke yet? Yes? Oh, okay. Nevermind then. Bucs passing game is itching to finally do something and facing the Giants is the perfect medicine. Not-at-all-salty take on Eli: if having two great four-game stretches in an otherwise piece of shit career is enough to get you into the Hall of Fame, someone get Ryan Fitzpatrick’s bust ready ASAP.

Pick: Bucs -6

Houston Texans at Los Angeles Chargers (-3)

Honest question and I’m not trying to troll: if the Chargers just weren’t in the league, would anyone notice? I’m not sure I would. The games are always close, but in that “man, I forgot about that game two seconds later” kind of way. All their playoff moments are embarrassing losses. Phil Rivers is just nondescriptly very good. Even the Texans are more of a compelling franchise. Chargers still win, though, and maybe by a lot. Hate, hate, hate the Texans’ offensive line.

Pick: Chargers -3

New Orleans Saints at Seattle Seahawks (-4.5)

You’re lucky I’m the Seahawks Whisperer because this is some pretty tricky terrain to navigate. On one hand, you have the Seahawks’ incurable addiction to scoring the bare minimum amount of points to win a game. On the other hand, you have a backup QB leading a limited offense against a pretty good defense in one of the toughest places to play in the league. This could go in either direction. But, really, there’s only one way this game will go. First drive of the game, Teddy Ballgame comes out firing. Kamara’s catching the ball, he’s running the ball. Michael Thomas is killing the defense with 12-yard games. Easy touchdown off play-action to Josh Hill for some reason. Then they don’t score the rest of the game.

Pick: Seahawks -4.5

Pittsburgh Steelers at San Francisco 49ers (-7)

Will Mason Rudolph let it rock or will Jimmy G break out the soprano sax and lull the defense to sleep? Probably the latter, because the Steelers’ season is OVER. But this is the year they’ll beat the Pats in the playoffs, though.

Pick: 49ers -7

Los Angeles Rams (-3.5) at Cleveland Browns

It’s the first Sunday night game in Cleveland since the last Sunday night game in Cleveland, and the energy will be at an all-time high. Too bad that won’t be enough to stop Aaron Donald from getting 700 tackles for loss. Gonna be a tough night for Baker and his army of imaginary haters. What’s up with these Rams lines so far? Did they forget they semi-revolutionized the league last year?

Pick: Rams -3.5

Chicago Bears (-4) at Washington Redskins

This is just an insult.

Pick: Bears -4

Folks, I’m battling right now. I’m scratching and clawing for every breath I take, fighting tooth and nail for every step. I’m sick, and it’s no fun. It’s compounded when games like the one that took place last night are thrust upon me. Both those teams stink out loud. After his first few carries, I was ready to dedicate this section to proclaiming Christian McCaffery the best white running back of all time (still may be true), but then he got like three yards the rest of the game. Cam looks, umm… let’s just move on from that before the snipers the NFL hired get loose fingers. The Bucs are just always slightly less enjoyable to watch than you’d think they’d be. Maybe they just haven’t meshed with Bruce Arians yet or something. I don’t know. Another thing, why does the NFL insist on scheduling games in hurricane/tropical storm areas during hurricane/tropical storm season? Particularly in NFC South stadiums that don’t have roofs. Every game gets delayed because-surprise!-there’s always inclement weather. Whatever. Week 2’s got some real duds and some potentially good games that will likely become duds. Let’s get into it. All lines from Bovada.

Seattle Seahawks at Pittsburgh Steelers (-4)

I don’t want to pat myself too hard on the back for correctly predicting what would happen for the league’s two most predictable teams, but man did I nail these two picks. Steelers are just as cowardly and inept as always, and the Seahawks are completely incapable of playing in a game decided by more than one score. So where does that leave them this week? Well, if there’s anything Mike Tomlin is known for, it’s making savvy adjustments on the fly, so I’m sure he’ll have something cooked up. Or they’ll just do what they did last week and completely play into Seattle’s hands.

Pick: Seahawks +4

Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-3)

Know what I’m already sick of? Hearing that Kirk Cousins went 8-10 for 98 yards last week. Hey, want to know Kirk Cousins’ stat line from last week? He went 8-10 for 98 yards. How about that? Pretty crazy. Almost as crazy as Kirk Cousins going 8-10 for 98 yards. Know what else is crazy? Aaron Rodgers has a defense now. He doesn’t have do it all on his own (“it” in this case being relentlessly throwing the ball out of bounds, losing before they’re supposed to in the playoffs, and alienating his family and “friends”). Talk about a wild development. Not quite as wild as Kirk Cousins going 8-10 for 98 yards. Something about NFC North storylines really gets under my skin.

Pick: Vikings +3

New England Patriots (-19.5) at Miami Dolphins

This might be the highest line I’ve ever seen in the NFL, but that’s what happens when the Super Bowl champions beat a team by 30 then face a team that was already considered the worst in the league coming into the season before losing by 49 points in week one. Now, I’ve never picked against the Pats here, and I’m not about to start now. But it’s established canon that the Pats struggle in Miami, and I refuse to believe that the Dolphins are really some JV squad with no hope against anyone. Pats losing a Miami game is becoming the new “Pressure Brady Up The Middle,” though, and it’s making me think the Pats win by 50. Going out on a limb, I know. Also, needless to say, the Pats news from last week got a lot less fun in the last few days.

Pick: Pats -19.5

Dallas Cowboys (-6) at Washington Redskins

Is Dak now the best QB in the league? It’s hard to say, but probably not. But he’ll get to put up some more big stats this week because the Redskins stink. Cowboys hype will soon reach critical mass.

Pick: Cowboys -6

San Francisco 49ers at Cincinnati Bengals (-1.5)

Here’s a rarity: two of the top five in the official Brian’s Den Helmet Rankings facing off (1. Bengals 2. Rams 3. 49ers 4. Raiders 5. Steelers 6. Chiefs 7. Chargers 8. Cowboys 9. Browns 10. Packers) (Notice my lack of bias. If it was still Pat Patriot this ranking would be much different, though). Andy Dalton is currently on pace for 6,600 yards. Will he reach it? Who could say???

Pick: Bengals -1.5

Los Angeles Chargers -3 at Detroit Lions

Wouldn’t it be weird if the Lions ever made the Super Bowl? Like there’s a lot of teams where it’d be weird to see them playing for a title. Chargers, for instance. But it’d be Weird to see the Lions. Just some food for thought. Kind of love them this week, though. You don’t bring the West Coast Cali Brah mentality into the Motor City and come out with a win, even if Matt Patricia is the opposing coach. You get some Little Caesars and Coney Dogs in big Phil’s system and anything could happen.

Pick: Lions +3

Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans (-3)

I realize I should probably update the Titans’ color but there’s more than enough navy colored teams already. They can stay light blue for posterity’s sake. No one had to be happier that Andrew Luck retired than the Titans, who went 0-11(!) against him. They’ll celebrate their newfound freedom buy losing to the Colts.

Pick: Colts +3

Arizona Cardinals at Baltimore Ravens (-13)

The “look at all these fools who said Lamar Jackson should play receiver” straw man argument is so convincing that now I’m thinking that there really was a huge group of people saying that he should change position and not just one old clueless guy who’s been wrong about almost everything for a decade and a half. But yeah, turns out the guy who’s been good at playing QB at every level can have good games at QB. Crazy. Not quite as crazy as Kirk Cousins going 8-10 for 98 yards, but still crazy. They always say when it comes to the truly great ones, you know right away. And I can confidently say that after one week, Kyler Murray is a GREAT backdoor cover guy.

Pick: Cardinals +13

Buffalo Bills (-1.5) at New York Giants

Can I make a weird admission? I kind of love foot cramps. I don’t know what it says about me and I’m not too keen on finding out, but that pain you get when your foot just gets stuck in a ball? I live for that.

Pick: Bills -1.5

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans (-8.5)

I’m so ready for the Gardner Minshew era. Need a Mike Leach QB to excel in the league like I need air to breathe. If only he wasn’t on the Jaguars and didn’t play with a roster of 52 other players who completely lose their composure at the slightest hint of adversity. But hey, they were in the AFC Championship game that one time. I know the Texans are pretty good, but they shouldn’t be favored by 8.5 against anyone. Especially not during the great Minshew-Watson duel of 2019.

Pick: Jags +8.5

Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5) at Oakland Raiders

Are the Raiders back? If they lose this game by less than 40, the answer may be yes.

Pick: Chiefs -7.5

Chicago Bears (-3) at Denver Broncos

Pass.

Pick: Bears -3

New Orleans Saints at Los Angeles Rams (-2)

Remember the last time these two played? Pretty quiet, uneventful game, particularly the end. I’m so out on whiny Saints fans, and it’s different than being bitter about the league railroading the Pats at every turn because it was just a blown call. Like, your team still could have won the game afterward. The league didn’t force Drew Brees to throw a pick in overtime. Get over it. Rams by a thousand.

Pick: Rams -2

Philadelphia Eagles (-2) at Atlanta Falcons

Why is this matchup always in primetime? Feel like it’s been a night game every time it happens. And this isn’t gonna be a good game. Eagles are way better. So much so that I feel like I’m missing something with this -2. It’s like stealing. Whatever, I’ll take the bait. Falcons o-line and defense are swiss cheese.

Pick: Eagles -2

Cleveland Browns (-7) at New York Jets

Earlier in the week, this would have been the biggest lock Jets win of all time, but now Trevor Siemien is starting and Le’veon Bell is kind of hurt. Browns completely fell apart last week, but so much so that you can almost flush it and call it an aberration (almost. It’s still the Browns). Baker and his imaginary haters will have the boys fired up to play on Monday night. Not even the Browns can blow this, right? Right???

Pick: Browns -7

Ahh, football. That most aesthetically pleasing of all sports. Nothing quite like the first game of the new season. Dusting off the football viewing seating arrangements, dipping your toes back into the endless sea of snacks and drinks that accompany primetime games, basking in the glow of the new season and the return of high flying football action. At least, that’s what I assume last night was like. I chose to #boycott the game to show solidarity with the defending Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots, who were robbed of yet another opportunity to kick the season off in style because of the petty grudge Roger Goodell holds against them. Will the slights ever end? If any other team wins the title, they get to play on the opening Thursday night and get their banner and rings in everyone’s face. But not the Pats. They win their 10,000th Super Bowl and they get thrown to the side because, stop me if you’ve heard this before, everyone is so desperate to get rid of them and crown the new Team. Guess what, folks. It’s never gonna happen. Especially if the two putrid teams that took the field last night are the supposed measuring sticks of the NFC. But keep telling me about how the Packers defense is the best unit in football history and that Aaron Rodgers finally has help now (insert fart noise and extended eye roll here) while pretending you’ve never followed an NFL season and think that the season ends after week 1. That’s not to say week 1 is useless. On the contrary, the bad teams are almost always bad from the start. And, uhh, yeah. Bears might be toast already. That’s your hot new coach? I’ll keep my crusty old man that everyone hates, thank you very much. How many times during the last 20 years have we done “here’s the hot young coach/QB, how many titles will they win?” thing? A million? More? What’s the success rate on them? 0%? I’m sorry, that was mean to Andrew Luck. He retired on his own terms, we all can understand that’s as good as a championship. Why do we even have a championship anymore? It’s just another way to dehumanize the athletes and boil their careers down to accomplishments and accolades they earn through their work. What a cruel society we live in. I’m fired up today, might as well get to the picks. All lines from Bovada unless otherwise noted.

Atlanta Falcons at Minnesota Vikings (-4)

Listen, if I know anything at all, I know this: the Vikings are going to STINK this year. The wheels might come off the Cousins-mobile sooner rather than later, and starting the season off against a good team (also known as Kirk Cousins’ weakness) means they’re starting 0-1. I sort of like the Falcons this year and I think they might win by a lot. Cousins 21-39, 278 yd, 1 TD-3INT game incoming. Expect boos.

Pick: Falcons +4

Baltimore Ravens (-7) at Miami Dolphins

Allow me to be the 40,000th person to say the Dolphins are likely the worst team in the league. Jury’s still out on if they’ll be fun bad or depressing bad. Wait, who am I kidding? Fitzmagic is starting week 1! I can’t believe everyone’s burying the ‘Phins during the first three weeks. This game won’t really say much about the Ravens, they’re just getting caught in the “Fitzpatrick’s first start with a new team” wave. Don’t let your heads drop too far.

Pick: Dolphins +7

Buffalo Bills at New York Jets (-3)

There’s some sneaky, super-under-the-radar, if-we-don’t-talk-about-it-maybe-it’ll-go-away hype surrounding the Jets this year. Fancy new jerseys, plenty of Sam Darnold buzz, they acquired a former Steelers superstar who isn’t insane, good draft. Things are looking up in the Meadowlands for the first time in years. That means they’ll lose this game. Sorry, but the only person who knows Jets life more than hardened Jets fans is someone who’s spent a lifetime laughing at their expense. They might finish strong, but a week 1 loss is written in the stars.

Pick: Bills +3

Kansas City Chiefs (-4) at Jacksonville Jaguars

This game has been canceled. In its stead, both teams will meet at midfield and see who can complain about the Patriots beating them cleanly in the AFC Championship game louder. I feel like I’m extra salty about Pats sour grapes h8rs today, maybe I should take a deep breath or something. Also not to be this guy but the Chiefs just extended Tyreek Hill so I think karma is probably on the Jags’ side. I’m also anticipating a bit of a bounce-back in Jacksonville.

Pick: Jags +4

Los Angeles Rams (-2) at Carolina Panthers

I don’t know, man. If Cam’s super hurt (which it appears he is), I don’t know if I want him going out there to get mauled by Aaron Donald all day. Every year I have a gut feeling that it’s the Panthers year but then I think about it for like three seconds and I’m out. I think this one gets ugly and another lost season (due to never-ending injury) for Cam.

Pick: Rams -2

Tennessee Titans at Cleveland Browns (-6)

When trying to predict the fate of the year’s most hyped team, there are two ways week 1 can go: crushing loss that leaves everyone wondering what we were thinking (anytime the Jets have the lowest level of raised expectations possible), or they win big, sending everyone into a fever pitch, only to come crashing down later. The Browns would typically fall into the first category, since they’re the Browns and all, but they’ve gone so far over the top this offseason that they’ve put themselves in the not-sad-sack-organization group, meaning they’ll win this week by a million and put the hype train into overdrive. And still be 2-5 after seven games, because they’re still the Browns. Titans stink.

Pick: Browns -6

Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles (-10)

Eagles good. Redkins bad.

Pick: Eagles -10

Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle Seahawks (-9.5)

If the Seahawks weren’t the Seahawks, they’d win this game by a thousand. But since they’re the Seahawks playing at 4pm, this game will inevitably finish 17-14 after a last-second Russell Wilson TD pass.

Pick: Bengals +9.5

Indianapolis Colts at Los Angeles Chargers (-6.5)

Might have been a good game three weeks ago, but it no longer is. Two dead teams, one murdered by Andrew Luck, the other by the Patriots, meet in the least relevant NFL stadium in history. Should be great! But hey, this is the Chargers’ year, believe me. Brissett MVP.

Pick: Colts +6.5

Detroit Lions (-3) at Arizona Cardinals

Kyler Murray’s first game. Yeah.

Pick: Cardinals

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-7.5)

Wait, hold on. This game isn’t on primetime. This is an outrage! How dare the NFL deprive us of yet another NFC East division game on Sunday night? What am I supposed to do without a boring 24-14 game where nothing happens except one tiny coaching mistake/bad call that leads to a completely manufactured controversy? Why is the NFL choosing to highlight good teams instead of teams in big markets? What the hell?

Pick: Cowboys -7.5

San Fransisco 49ers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-1)

My sources are confirming that this is, in fact, a professional football game being played under National Football League regulations. Strange.

Pick: Bucs -1

Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots (-6)

Sorry, everyone. Pats are better this year than they were last year. Josh Gordon’s back. The defense is stacked. A thousand good running backs. Best coach ever. Best QB ever. And they get to open the season against their eternal whipping boys. Yes, please. H8rs look away.

Pick: Pats -6

Houston Texans at New Orleans Saints (-7)

I’m out on the Saints. Drew Brees is done. Their collective spirit is broken after back-to-back devastating playoff losses. They secretly don’t have more than two reliable offensive weapons. Saints stink again. Texans are the same harmless 10-win team they always are.

Pick: Texans +7

Denver Broncos (-1.5) at Oakland Raiders

Hey, it’s me from right before training camp started. Did you see that the Raiders traded for Antonio Brown? What a move! Can’t see this backfiring on them in any way. Raiders to the moon!

Pick: Raiders +1.5