Author: Brian

NFL Week 3 Picks

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Folks, we’ve officially entered a new age in the National Football League: the Age of the Browns Being Able to Win Football Games. Or are we still just stuck in the Age of the Jets Always Losing? As an eternal optimist, I’ll give the Browns the benefit of the doubt. And is it any surprise that a team that decided to partake in the now optional Color Rush turned to an exciting new chapter in franchise history? No, it really isn’t. The brown jersey haters were absolutely beside themselves last night, and they simply couldn’t believe how good Baker Mayfield looked slinging the rock wearing that chocolate gear. Baker looks good (which I knew he would be even though I might not have ever said it on here and he was also the number one overall pick so it’s not like I was going out on a limb or anything), which is more than can be said for a Browns’ QB since Derek Anderson. Yikes. We’ve got another couple weeks of success before the Browns fans go from feel-good losers to annoying, mind-bendingly arrogant assholes because that’s what happens in 2018 when long-dormant teams have a morsel of success (quite possibly my absolute least-favorite social media trend of all time), so enjoy it while you can. Anyway, on to the rest of week 3. All lines from Bovada.

Remember when the Jets won the Super Bowl in Week 1?

Buffalo Bills at Minnesota Vikings (-17)

There is no line big enough to scare me away from picking against the Bills. They are astoundingly bad.

Pick: Vikings

Green Bay Packers (-3) at Washington Redskins

Knowing Aaron Rodgers may or may not be playing on a torn ACL has to be worrying for anyone with a vested interest in the Packers’ long term success, but that shouldn’t really matter for this week. The Redskins just got beat down by the Colts, and the Colts are quite bad. Pretty sure Deshone Kizer could cover this one.

Pick: Packers

Denver Broncos at Baltimore Ravens (-5)

The Ravens are 100% going to be the team no one can figure out all year and everyone is surprised when they sneak into the playoffs. Not me, though. Call it PTSD, but I’m keen to the Ravens’ game, here. I know the Bills are dreadful, but beating an NFL team by 40 is hard, and the Bengals might actually be pretty good. West team coming east for a 1 o’clock game away from their massive home field advantage? Ravens might win comfortably, only to lose next week by 24.

Pick: Ravens

Indianapolis Colts at Philadelphia Eagles (-7)

For some reason, Carson Wentz is back. Why they’re rushing him back to face an inferior opponent in week 3? Your guess is as good as mine. Still this actually gives me hope for the Colts, here. I don’t care how good you are, unless you’re Adrian Peterson the first few games back from an ACL are gonna be rocky. This should be ugly and low scoring, which means the underdogs should be able to hang in.

Pick: Colts

San Francisco 49ers at Kansas City Chiefs (-7)

We’re still in the middle of the early season Chiefs blitzkrieg, so don’t be surprised if they jump out to a 21-0 lead on a still-sleepy Niners D. However, and no one really wants to address this, the Chiefs defense is complete trash. They’re going to invite the Niners to get back into the game. Jimmy G has looked a little shaky this year. If he can’t take advantage of this Chiefs “defense?” They won’t be coming from me, but some people might start asking some questions.

Pick: Chiefs

New York Giants at Houston Texans (-6)

Wait, the Texans are 0-2 and just lost to Blaine Gabbert and are six point favorites? How bad are the Giants? The answer is very. This games makes me want to puke, so I’ll just move on.

Pick: Texans

New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons (-3)

I think it might be time to be sort of worried about the Saints. A loss to the cosmic force known as Fitzmagic is no shame, but a near loss to a pre-Baker, pre-Color Rush Browns? Both at home? I don’t know, man. They’re good for fantasy purposes, but they might not be good in real life. The Falcons, meanwhile, might actually be very good. Everyone wrote them off after an opening night loss, but if they climb back to 2-1 with three tough games back-to-back-to-back, they might start to forget they blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl.

Pick: Falcons

Cincinatti Bengals at Carolina Panthers (-3)

Bengals-Panthers- maybe a good game? Who would have thought? The Bengals are in their perfect sweet spot right now: win enough games to get everyone asking if they’re actually good, only to lose enough important games to let everyone know they aren’t. I think we’re going to move into the second stage of the formula on Sunday. Plus, come on. Andy Dalton on the road in a Hurricane Game? Please.

Pick: Panthers

Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins (-3)

Someone wake me up when this game ends.

Pick: Dolphins

Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars (-6.5)

I’m pretty sure Blaine Gabbert is starting again. Yeah.

Pick: Jags

Los Angeles Chargers at Los Angeles Rams (-7)

It’s the crosstown battle no one asked for! Get excited! I actually think this game is perfect for a Phil Rivers backdoor special. Rams will go up early, kind of take their foot off the gas, Chargers come roaring back to get within four, Rams either go on a clock-killing drive or cause a backbreaking turnover, game over. All those Angeleno Charger fans go home sad.

Pick: Chargers

Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks (-1.5)

Seahawks might be bad. Like, real bad. Every single game is 100% Russell Wilson or bust. They’ve got no playmakers anywhere. And the Dallas defense is apparently good now. If their offense is good enough (tough ask because Dak stiiiiiiiinks), they might win this easily. Seahawks still being favored is a legacy pick pure and simple.

Pick: Cowboys

Chicago Bears (-5.5) at Arizona C*******s

If you’re new, I’m officially censoring the Arizona team name because I care about my readers’ well-being and don’t want to trigger any suicidal thoughts by mentioning the worst offense of all time. Anyway, I’ve got a bit of a dilemma on my hands. I need a haircut. Finally, after months of searching, I found someone I like. Only problem is, in between the last time I went and now, she (yeah, it’s a she, nbd. Sorry I’m fancier than all you guys that get a $15 buzz cut from your boy down the street) moved to a job. Now, I found her new place via her Instagram (which I don’t follow and she never told me to follow, I’m just a good detective) (I’m 90% sure she’s lesbian so it’s less weird). We got along well enough, but it’s not like we were hanging out every day, or anything. Would it be okay to show up to her new place? Or would that be way too creepy? Do I have to start my search yet again? Why is my life so hard?

Pick: Bears

New England Patriots (-7) at Detroit Lions

The big question going into this game is, of course, what to expect from Josh Gordon? Honestly, maybe 10 snaps? Which means he’ll get 8 catches for 207 yards and 3 tds. Don’t want to set expectations too high. Patricia owes the Pats big time for getting him this job, so this one will be over quickly.

Pick: Pats

Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs

Remember when the Steelers were going to win the Super Bowl this year because they had so much talent and they were finally going to put it all together? Good times. They’re falling apart at the seams, and when all your best players are raging assholes all day everyday, it’s kind of tough to bring it back together. And now they have to go on the road to Fitzmagic’s house? Uh-oh. We may see multiple deaths on Monday night, one of which may be Jameis Winston’s career. Steelers’ D is so bad Fitz might put up 500 yards. But the Steelers are definitely beating the Pats this year.

Pick: Bucs

Patriots Acquire Josh Gordon

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It’s really too bad the Patriots’ dynasty ended yesterday. Otherwise I’d be pretty excited about this. Oh, well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGs97IMuUWE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HudmJebVv0

A fifth round pick!!!! The NFL is so stupid! The Patriots will never die! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! The haters are absolutely FURIOUS right now. Pats confirmed 15-1 Super Bowl winners.

Monday Thoughts, Week 2

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Welcome to week 2 of Monday Thoughts™, the most creatively named segment on the Internet. If, for some reason, you missed last week, then this is where I’ll dump everything I found noteworthy about the Sunday that was in the NFL. It is, as they say, very unique. On to the games.

    • Bills are bad. I just want to be the first one to say it.
    • When you lose by a million but Josh Allen throws a 60-yard bomb
    • Tim Horton’s laughing all the way to the bank with this promotion
  • Why does anyone play football?
  • With this catch, Mike Williams became the 1,000th receiver named Mike Williams to catch a touchdown in the NFL. Congratulations on this monumental achievement.

//www.clippituser.tv/c/embed_iframe/xbevbv

  • Need a tie every week now. It’s such a weird rush.
  • No idea how this wasn’t a pick six
  • This was the ultimate Kirk Cousins game: should have had three or four picks, made a couple of absurd throws, did just enough to put the team in position to win but couldn’t actually do it.
  • Any kicking fans should probably take this week off.
  • Seriously, if you think the kicking game adds a layer of strategy and finesse to the game you should hide your beliefs for a few weeks.
  • I warned you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVDZxpnigzI

  • Even though I’m #proBrowns, I laughed out loud at that extra point miss. You can’t run away from the DNA.
  • You can’t tell me the white jersey-brown pant-orange sock look isn’t flaming hot. You just can’t. Every week the Browns are proving how underused brown is as a jersey color.
  • I’m addicted to Michael Thomas catch stats. He legit might approach 200 and I love every single one.
  • Did Colts-Redskins even happen? The jury is still out.

  • ryan-fitzpatrick-conor-mcgregor
    “Yeah, I like apples. What are you gonna do about it, bitch?”
  • “BuT iT’s ThE sTeElErS’ yEaR. i’M tElLiNg YoU tHeY’vE gOt ThE sUpEr BoWl WrApPeD uP”
  • Steelers STINK. STINK STINK STINK STINK STINK. But they’ve got all those weapons, though, right?
  • As someone who watched Pat Mahomes play BEFORE he had like, 800 yards in one game at Texas Tech, I feel comfortable calling myself a leader of the #MahomesHive and could probably pass for an extended family member. You can send the check whenever, Pat! No rush!
  • People forget Pat’s dad was a Major League pitcher and Pat could have played baseball and that he can throw the ball 500 miles per hour.
  • Imagine trying to catch that. Reminds me of my time at Illinois as an All American slot receiver catching bullets from Jeff George. That was before I blew my knee out, though.
  • People thought this guy was a system qb:
    • I realize I’m overreacting and caught up in the hype, but when I get sent to the next racial draft as the White representative, I’m strongly considering Pat with our number one pick.
    • Kansas City McDonald’s update:
  • Hold on, I’m getting some breaking news. What’s that? Previous reports that the New York Jets had won the Super Bowl in week 1 were false? Can you confirm? They’re still the same old Jets? Stunning report, to say the least.
  • R.I.P. Houstonians
  • This is the greatest play in football history
  • Even though I used to have a poster of him in my room and I know he’d never hurt me I’m so intimidated by Mike Vrabel
  • Should have started Dane Cruikshank in fantasy, amirite? People still talk about fantasy, right? I base my entire self worth on my fantasy team, please give me some positive reenforcement, here.
  • The Panthers’ offense is so weird. Every play seems like it gains three yards at most and yet they finish with okay stats. That being said I kind of like Cam’s MVP odds, whatever they are. Just a gut feeling (this will NOT come back to bite me later, especially if I never address it again).
  • Falcons are still zombies after what happened to them in Super Bowl 51 (they were up 28-3 on the New England Patriots and lost, if you forgot), so I’ll always find it odd when they win important games. Good for them for finding a small reserve of mental toughness, though.
  • Why do defensive players think they need to do this?
  • If a QB starts sliding, he’s immediately down. What’s the point of launching yourself at him? This isn’t the 70’s anymore. Even before the NFL finally started kicking people out for this, it was still a 15 yard penalty. It’s just so stupid and dirty. If I was a coach, any defensive player of mine that did this is immediately CUT (literally the easiest thing to say ever).
  • Can’t believe they cancelled the Pats-Jaguars game, but that’s what happens during Hurricane season. It’s all about player safety.
  • I’m pretty sure 85% of the Broncos roster is wide receivers. They have so many random guys. They have Thomas and Sanders and three entirely new guys every game. The Broncos may single-handedly lower unemployment numbers nationwide because they let absolutely anyone take the field for them at wideout. When Courtland Sutton almost caught a TD I would have bet my life he’s been on the team for three years only to learn he was a rookie. I don’t even know why I was so confident, either. Just has one of those “Broncos receiver” names.
  • Like who the hell is Tim Patrick?
  • This may be late next week, I’ll be a little busy being the Broncos third receiver. I’ll be number 87, look for me on the field!!!
  • Raiders are gonna settle in that nice “competitive but always lose” zone this year, also known as the Hue Jackson Neighborhood.
  • Out of respect for my readers, I will not post anything from the C*******s-Rams game. Some of you may have just eaten and I don’t want to upset you.
  • Lions-49ers was a randomly fun game. That’s my take.
  • LeGarrette Blount is BACK

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1QiCkGTk_M&feature=youtu.be

  • 200 yard, 3 td game coming next week.
  • If the Niners get their hands on Josh Gordon, watch out. Jimmy G might start cooking again.
  • That is applicable to every team in the league. Josh Gordon is very good. The Browns are very stupid.
  • Damn, I can’t believe Giants-Cowboys was a really boring Sunday night game. Could have never seen it coming. At all.

 

NFL Week 2 Picks

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I hope everyone’s sitting down, because I’ve got some startling news. The Bengals, the Cincinnati Bengals, mind you, just won a game against a divisional opponent who looked good the previous week….at night. More than anything that’s happened over the past however many months (Capitals winning the Cup, Eagles winning the Super Bowl, the Warriors somehow winning the title), this is the biggest sign that the end times are looming. Rejoice, for we may not have to spend much longer in these husks we call bodies on this spinning rock we’ve worked so hard to destroy. The hour of the beast is nigh, and its emissary has fiery red hair. If the Bengals win a playoff game, you should probably take that trip you’ve been wanting to, because there’ll be like a week left until Armageddon. About time, if you ask me.

Anyway, lots of crazy stuff happened in week 1, leading to the unfortunate cancelation of this NFL season. A panel of experts decided that the New York Jets had already won the Super Bowl, thus rendering the remainder of this season completely pointless. It’s sad and a little unprecedented, but it’s the NFL’s decision. Who am I to argue with such proclamations made on high? But, even though there aren’t any more games this season, I’m still going to make my picks as if the NFL was still going strong. Why? I’ve got to keep my skills sharp for next season. Who knows if the league will institute the “Week 1 Super Bowl” rule again next year, so I need to totally nail week 1. Can’t do that without practice. All lines from Bovada except the first one.

Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-1.5 via BetOnline)

Aaron Rodgers, he of the miraculous comeback last week, theoretically might not play in this game. And, even if he does play, will surely be hobbled against what might be the best defense in the league. The Packers are favored. Please explain. This is such a reactionary line that I can’t wrap my mind around it. The Packers needed a signature performance to beat the Bears, and the Vikings are better at literally every phase of the game than the Bears. Rodgers could barely move at the end of the game. You’re telling me he’s avoiding Danielle Hunter and Sheldon Richardson and everyone else the Vikings have on one leg and what might be a shaky offensive line? Someone’s gonna have to explain to me how the Packers are favored.

Pick: Vikings

Indianapolis Colts at Washington Redskins (-5.5)

Pretty random game. Can’t really think of the last time these two teams played, but something tells me it was four years ago and I’ve chosen not to remember it. I’m all the way out on the Colts so I think the Redskins will win by default. Have a feeling that’s gonna happen a lot this year for Washington. A. Smith has that ability to inspire confidence.

Pick: Redskins

Kansas City Chiefs at Pittsburgh Steelers (-4.5)

This is easy to overthink, so I did. Chiefs looked great in week 1 as usual, but take (essentially) a rookie QB on the road to one of the toughest places to play. Steelers looked awful in week 1 but are now at home where they never lose and have something to prove. So that points to the Steelers. But then you remember that the Chiefs looked great and the Steelers looked like poop and not much could have possibly changed over the course of one week. I’ve decided to flip the Cosmic Coin of Football Knowledge and it came up Chiefs.

Pick: Chiefs

Cleveland Browns at New Orleans Saints (-9)

For the first time since 2004 the Browns aren’t 0-1. Progress, baby! As much as I want to dislike anyone so embraced by the Internet, and as much as I hate Cleveland, I’ll always have a soft spot for the Browns. I want them to be good, I really do. But if Tyrod “The Messiah” Taylor can’t complete more than 38% of his passes against a defense that was just shredded by Ryan Fitzpatrick? Baker time might be on the horizon. As for the Saints, I’ll admit I didn’t see last week coming. Their defense was pretty good last year, even though it’s hard to remember now. Until they give up 40+ to another middling opponent, I’m going to consider last week a fluke. Besides, it’s still the Browns coming off a quasi-emotional high point. It’ll take more than one tie to shake years of getting blown out by more than 10 on the road.

Pick: Saints

Philadelphia Eagles (-3.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs

Little fun fact for all of you out there- Ryan Fitzpatrick, Tampa Bay Buccaneers starting quarterback, actually went to Harvard. Just something for the ol’ trivia file. Can he repeat last week’s absurd performance against a defense that we actually know is good? Gonna go out on a limb and say no. Nick Foles starting again, not that it’s really hurt them much so far. Tampa’s D is stinky and the Eagles should be able to move the ball well enough to cover.

Pick: Eagles

Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons (-5.5)

Am I missing something here? Why the hell are the Falcons favored by so much? I realize they probably have more talent on paper, but they’ve been stuck in a serious funk for the past year plus. Wonder if something traumatic happened to them. Can’t really think of any franchise-killing losses, or anything. Must be all on the loss of Kyle Shanahan. But I feel like the Panthers never lose by more than four points to anyone, much less a divisional opponent. Panthers are just mentally tougher and I see them battering the Falcons into submission. Falcons were a hot Super Bowl pick, but I see them starting 0-2. Also, stay safe Carolina.

Pick: Panthers

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets (-3)

Wait, are the Dolphins the second best team in the league, or something? How can someone be less than a 100 point underdog against the Jets? Didn’t Vegas get the memo that the Jets are the greatest team in pro sports history? Apparently not. Jet fans have long been my mortal enemy, but now that I live in New York and they might be halfway decent? It might be a brutal fall. Every time I see Fireman Ed’s stupid face I want to jump off a bridge. Hey, Ed, remember when you quit because the Pats beat you so badly? I remember. What happened? It’s okay to come back now that the Jets have hope? Get out of here with that. Dolphins are trash but I’m picking them out of spite.

Pick: Dolphins

Houston Texans (-2.5) at Tennessee Titans

Good news for the Texans: they can’t play much worse than they did last week. Bad news for the Titans: Marcus Mariota is hurt and I’m finally willing to admit he might not be that good. Texans by a million.

Pick: Texans

Los Angeles Chargers (-7.5) at Buffalo Bills

R.I.P. Nathan Peterman. Gone, but not forgotten. I’ve come to realize that being pro-Pat Mahomes while being anti-Josh Allen is a little hypocritical, so I’m going to try and be a little nicer to the Bills’ new starting QB. The best thing the Bills have going for them is that the Chargers are a West Coast team coming east to play a 1 o’clock game. Other than that, I don’t know. Unless something changes, there might not be a number big enough for me to pick the Bills this season.

Pick: Chargers

Detroit Lions at San Francisco 49ers (-6)

49ers, I think, are going to wind up being much better than what they showed last week. They just had a rough game against a superior opponent. They’ll be fine. Lions, meanwhile? Yikes. Really bad look for my guy Matt Patricia who, somehow, may already be on his way out. I mean they quit against the Jets. Can’t have that in week 1. Maybe they’ll bounce back, but this could be another long afternoon for the boys in Honolulu blue.

Pick: 49ers

Arizona Cardinals at Los Angeles Rams (-13)

Just thinking about the Cardinals offense makes me want to puke. That’s really all I got on this. Blowout city.

Pick: Rams

New England Patriots (-1) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Stop me if you’ve heard this scenario before. An up-and-coming team has circled the Patriots on the calendar as their end-all, be-all game. They’re hyping it up and saying it’s the “most important game of (their lives).” They’re going to come out firing, get an early lead, then make one mental mistake and everything will fall apart. Anyone who thinks the Jags are winning this game please raise your hand. If you raised your hand you’re an idiot.

Pick: Pats

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos (-6)

This game is why RedZone was invented. Imagine not having RedZone and living in an area where this is the only late game you have? I can’t think of a worse fate. This game STINKS. Broncos may win by 40.

Pick: Broncos

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-3)

When I first saw this week’s schedule and I saw this game, I had a moment of panic when I thought that it wasn’t going to be the Sunday night game. Thankfully, I was mistaken. The NFL knows what America wants, and we want the same boring NFC East matchup for the 10,000,000th year in a row. Seriously, this is the same game every year. It’s gonna finish 23-17, it’s gonna end with some fake controversy or overly analyzed coaching decision, or something stupid that going to be talked about ad nauseam by all the talk show hosts because the NFL wants to fool everyone into thinking that the Giants and Cowboys are relevant in 2018. This game is going to be terrible. Again.

Pick: Giants

Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears (-3.5)

I hate being week 1 overreaction guy as much as the next person, but the Bears’ season is already over. You just can’t come back from a loss like that. Defense looked good, and once Khalil Mack is in game shape they’ll be a problem. But Mitch is kind of…..ehhhhh? Young QBs are very impressionable. Lose a game like that in your first or second season and it can derail your career. I don’t want to say the Bears are going 0-16, but I’m not not saying that, either. Seahawks aren’t even that good, but Russell Wilson can win this singlehandedly.

Pick: Seahawks

Pluto is Officially Back

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source– The reason Pluto lost its planet status is not valid, according to new research from the University of Central Florida in Orlando.

In 2006, the International Astronomical Union, a global group of astronomy experts, established a definition of a planet that required it to “clear” its orbit, or in other words, be the largest gravitational force in its orbit.

Since Neptune’s gravity influences its neighboring planet Pluto, and Pluto shares its orbit with frozen gases and objects in the Kuiper belt, that meant Pluto was out of planet status. However, in a new study published online Wednesday in the journal Icarus, UCF planetary scientist Philip Metzger, who is with the university’s Florida Space Institute, reported that this standard for classifying planets is not supported in the research literature.

Metzger, who is lead author on the study, reviewed scientific literature from the past 200 years and found only one publication—from 1802—that used the clearing-orbit requirement to classify planets, and it was based on since-disproven reasoning.

He said moons such as Saturn’s Titan and Jupiter’s Europa have been routinely called planets by planetary scientists since the time of Galileo.

“The IAU definition would say that the fundamental object of planetary science, the planet, is supposed to be a defined on the basis of a concept that nobody uses in their research,” Metzger said. “And it would leave out the second-most complex, interesting planet in our solar system.””We now have a list of well over 100 recent examples of planetary scientists using the word planet in a way that violates the IAU definition, but they are doing it because it’s functionally useful,” he said.”It’s a sloppy definition,” Metzger said of the IAU’s definition. “They didn’t say what they meant by clearing their orbit. If you take that literally, then there are no planets, because no planet clears its orbit.”

The planetary scientist said that the literature review showed that the real division between planets and other celestial bodies, such as asteroids, occurred in the early 1950s when Gerard Kuiper published a paper that made the distinction based on how they were formed

Study co-author Kirby Runyon, with Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory in Laurel, Maryland, said the IAU’s definition was erroneous since the literature review showed that clearing orbit is not a standard that is used for distinguishing asteroids from planets, as the IAU claimed when crafting the 2006 definition of planets.

“We showed that this is a false historical claim,” Runyon said. “It is therefore fallacious to apply the same reasoning to Pluto,” he said.Metzger said that the definition of a planet should be based on its intrinsic properties, rather than ones that can change, such as the dynamics of a planet’s orbit.”Dynamics are not constant, they are constantly changing,” Metzger said. “So, they are not the fundamental description of a body, they are just the occupation of a body at a current era.”

Instead, Metzger recommends classifying a planet based on if it is large enough that its gravity allows it to become spherical in shape.

As much as it pains me to do so, I’ve got to make a pretty big admission: the Patriots’ win in Super Bowl LI is no longer the greatest comeback of all time. Pluto clawing its way back from the depths of irrelevancy to reclaim its rightful place among the Milky Way planets is as inspirational of a tale as these ears have ever heard. I still remember hearing Pluto was no longer a planet for the first time, and I can confidently say it scarred me for life. Everything I thought I knew until then was just a lie. I became more cynical. Jaded, even. How could I trust the information I was given ever again? I mean, hell, assuming Pluto becomes a canon planet again, there’s gonna be an entire generation of kids asking the same thing. They’re all so sheltered and self-absorbed they probably don’t even know what Pluto is, and now it’s going to be a planet again? That is, if they even still teach the planets anymore. Learning about space might damage their belief that they’re the center of the universe (sorry, I’m trying to improve my readership among 50-80 year olds, and I figure bashing the youth is a good way to do it).

This just tells me we still don’t know anything about space and we never really will. I’m fine with it, honestly. Ignorance usually makes me want to jump into oncoming traffic, but every time I think about space it feels like my brain’s going to explode. Space gets compared to the ocean a lot, but humans don’t die within a millisecond of being exposed to salt water, so I’m cool not having a real deep pool of space intel. But this study people used to discredit Pluto is over 200 years old and everyone’s still cool with it being used for major scientific purposes. Not only that, it took them 200 years to realize it might apply to Pluto! Then it took this random UCF scientist over a decade to realize that it actually didn’t apply to Pluto and that THE ORIGINAL STUDY WAS OVER 200 YEARS OLD SO MAYBE DON’T USE IT ANYMORE! I swear there’s an annual conference where all the NASA guys get together and come up with what they’re going to make Neil deGrasse Tyson say about space that year. Because if you ask any scientist besides NDT about nebulas or dark matter or singularities they just shrug their shoulders and say “I don’t know, man. You tell me.” NASA’s got the easiest job, ever. Release one statement a year saying you found literally anything and everyone will say how much more funding you need. Sign me up for that! This just in, Brian has recently discovered that Uranus is actually made of an edible material called salada. $100 billion, please. That’s how easy being a space researcher is, because no one knows anything and no one can possibly fact check you.

But anyway, welcome back, Pluto. Feels good to have nine planets again.

What’s the Best Fast Casual Tex-Mex Chain?

For far too long, I considered it one of the biggest black marks on my “Restaurant Chain Expert” resume that I had yet to try the popular Tex-Mex fast casual chain Qdoba. As luck would have it, a Qdoba location opened in my neighborhood recently, and, naturally, I took that as a sign to finally try it for the first time. This, also naturally, caused an internal debate to flare up in my mind: what’s the best of the fast casual Tex-Mex big three (Qdoba, Chipotle, and Moe’s)? It was clearly too important to keep to myself, so I knew I had to take it to the blog. Much like I did with pizza chains waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the day, I’ll break it down by categories and determine a winner. Also, spare me your Baja Fresh or Rubio’s Coastal Grill or any of the million chains that are only in Texas, thus making it impossible for someone who doesn’t live in Texas to actually try them and you only threw the name out there to make yourself seem smart and cultured, because I don’t care about them. I’m only talking nationwide (again: NATIONWIDE) chains that actually matter. That leaves only the holy triumvirate of MCQ (it’s like the MCU, but for fast casual Tex-Mex chains).

Taste

Let’s get the most boring one out of the way first- how good is the core food? Really, what I’m asking is how good is the meat? I think it’s a two horse race between Chipotle and Moe’s, because let me tell you, Qdoba is lagging behind. It wasn’t bad, per se. Just a little bland. Moe’s is solid, but if you gave me some Moe’s and told me it was from some random place I don’t think I’d be able to tell you it was actually Moe’s. I know when I’m eating Chipotle. That chicken’s got a certain addictive flavor to it. It’s like the perfect amount of char combined with the perfect amount of E. coli and norovirus. Round one goes to Chipotle.

Winner: Chipotle

Variety

As good as Chipotle’s food is, they’re far behind in the topping variety category. And while part of me respects them saying “we’ve only got a few things, but they’re all good,” this isn’t a Michelin star restaurant. I want my fast casual chains to overwhelm me with options. Qdoba has, by far, the widest spread. A ton of toppings, a million sauces, two types of lettuce, fajita veggies? Qdoba understands the the fast casual game better than the other two.

Pick: Qdoba

Chips

In my opinion, this is the most important category. The chips are the foundation to any enjoyable Mexican/Tex-Mex eating experience. Anyone can put some chicken, rice, beans, and cheese in a tortilla and I’ll eat it. But the chips? You notice when they’re bad and it ruins the meal. Like the meat, Qdoba is bringing up the rear, here. The chips are alright, but they’re seriously propped up by their salsa (more on that in a bit). Chipotle and Moe’s are miles better. The best part of Chipotle’s chips are that some bites are saltier than others and the salty ones really hit the spot. But, and this is huge, Moe’s chips are also great but free. $0.00. That’s enough for me. A delicious side at no extra cost? Yes, please.

Winner: Moe’s

Salsa/Queso/Guacamole

I must confess, I don’t like guacamole and I think queso can be way too heavy and gross sometimes, but this is still an important category. Take guac out of the equation since I haven’t eaten any of them. Qdoba wins for queso since they’ve got multiple varieties and pretty much forced Chipotle to add a half-assed queso to their menu. Salsa is where it gets heated. Chipotle only has a few varieties, but they’re all good. Moe’s has multiple varieties, and some are good. Qdoba has even more varieties, and, though I only tried a couple, they were pretty solid. I think it’s either Chipotle or Qdoba, and with their win in queso, Qdoba gets another win. Unexpected, to be honest.

Winner: Qdoba

Branding

The fact that the only time anyone talks about Chipotle is when there’s another disease outbreak and they have by far the best branding is a bad sign for the other two. The best logo by a mile (and, by default, the best signs) and they’re firmly intrenched as the more normie option. Qdoba scrapping the cactus logo is such a spectacularly terrible move I can’t wrap my mind around it. What is their identity now? Marigold lettering? Sweet. Moe’s giving FULLY CUSTOMIZABLE AND NON-REPEATABLE MENU ITEMS stupid names makes me absolutely furious every single time. Don’t make me call my burrito a homewrecker. I refuse to do it.

Winner: Chipotle

Dining Experience

Qdoba is a pretty standard fast casual experience. You go in, you get your food, you leave. Chipotle is much the same, but the added threat of possibly catching some kind of disease added a thrill that Qdoba can’t help to match. But having the entire staff yell “Welcome to Moe’s!” when you walk in AND add in a salsa bar instead of having it all behind the counter? Dumb names aside, it’s Moe’s in a landslide.

Winner: Moe’s

Aftermath

They final category represents the final stage in the fast casual Tex-Mex experience. We know how it is going in, but what about going out? Chipotle’s aftermath is so legendary, South Park lampooned it in an episode. I’ve spent many an hour on the toilet after eating some delicious Chipotle. We had a Moe’s on campus in college, and, as such, I’ve spent many an hour on the toilet after eating some delicious Moe’s. Let me tell you: the Moe’s is much, much easier to deal with. I was waiting on the Qdoba I ate last night to complete it’s course before writing this, and I can confirm it was unpleasant. Moe’s takes a much lighter toll on the body (and toilet) than the other two.

Winner: Moe’s

There you have it. Not exactly what I was expecting, but, when taking everything into account, it’s clear that Moe’s comes out on top. Chipotle has the best food, but the rest of it just doesn’t add up. Qdoba made a valiant effort, but to no avail. There’s a new king in town, and his name is Moe.

Overall Winner: Moe’s

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Monday Thoughts, Week 1

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If you’re anything like Garfield, you hate Mondays. I’m talking deep, primal hatred that could only be cured through years of therapy and not waking up at 6 to go to a job you dread (man, gotta love the corporate life, am I right guys?) Well, much like Seether featuring Amy Lee, I’m here to hold you high and steal your pain. Introducing the incredibly innovative new segment here at the Brian’s Den- Monday Thoughts (working title). I’ll give my take on the Sunday that was in the NFL, and I promise you won’t find another piece like it anywhere on the Internet. Absolutely no one does a round up of random observations and videos and what

have you from NFL games. No one. Anyway, onto the Monday Thoughts™.

  • Most unbiased folks would likely start with Aaron Rodgers’s crazy comeback. But I am not unbiased. Far from it, actually. So I’ll take this opportunity to remind everyone that the Patriots beat the Texans yesterday. Ho-hum. Remember the last time the Texans won in New England? Oh, that’s right. It’s literally never happened. The Texans, the permanently up-and-coming contender, has never won a game in Foxborough. And I’m supposed to be worried about them?
  • Speaking of teams I, a veteran of the Patriot H8rz War, am supposed to be frightened of, the Steelers looked so bad. Like, only the Bills played worse. I’m dumbfounded anyone still takes them seriously. They’re going to put up huge numbers this year, they’re going to win 11 or 12 games, they’re going to come into Gillette Stadium in the playoffs and everyone’s going to pick them because they have so much talent and they’re sick of the Pats, and they’re going to lose 105-0. Stop me if you’ve heard this scenario before.
  • Anyway, yeah, Aaron Rodgers. Not bad. This was a pretty decent throw off one leg:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WZV2AbEyg4

  • People of course took last night’s absurd-yet-predictable comeback as a clear sign to start pushing the “Rodgers is the LeBron to Brady’s MJ” agenda, saying, in essence, that no one has ever been more skilled at playing quarterback than Aaron Rodgers. People obviously know where I stand here, but I’ve got no problem admitting Rodgers can do things Brady can’t. But, luckily, there’s more to quarterbacking than week one wins against division rivals you traditionally own.
  • Damn, can’t get over that comeback, though. Could any quarterback in history lead a comeback like that? I doubt it.
  • People forget Luke Bryan sang the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.
  • RIP to Jimmy G’s winning streak. Gone but not forgotten.

  • Handsome even in defeat
  • Count me among the many shocked observers around the country who learned that Shawn Williams, the Bengals safety who lead the NFL in personal fouls last season, was the first player ejected under the new helmet safety rules. A Bengals player ejected. What is this world coming to?
  • ATTN: Don’t play the Chiefs in week 1 of an NFL season:
  •  Also, Kansas City McDonald’s give out BOGO Big Macs if the team gets a sack? Excuse me? Seriously regretting moving to New York City now.
  • Is that… is that Ryan Fitzpatrick’s music?ryan-fitzpatrick-1260x800
  • The cycle is real, folks. It’s very real.
  • But seriously, these are some dimes
  • Saints defense, actually very bad again.
  • Saints offense, actually still very good. Mike Thomas had 16 catches. 16! Hope you had him in fantasy, amirite? We all play fantasy here and love talking about it with other people. Man, can you believe I had to go against Drew Brees and Alvin Kamara yesterday? I can’t bear the thought of facing my opponent in real life because he might talk some trash about an outcome neither one of us had any control over whatsoever. But that’s just the fantasy life, brah.
  • For every “don’t draft a running back high in the first round” guy, please avert your eyes:
  • Jags O’s looking rough. Love my guy Blake, but, yeah. Not good. Maybe the Giants’ D decided to be good again this year after taking last season off. Still, that D’s mighty fearsome. They need a nickname. I’ll let someone less white think of one.
  • Hey, Jalen Ramsey…….boo:
  • Titans-Dolphins being the longest game in NFL history is cruel and unusual punishment for everyone involved. Can’t think of a less interesting think to do with 8 hours of my life.
  • When you start Nathan Peterman in an NFL game again and are surprised he’s terrible and you have to “upgrade” to Josh Allen
  • Bills might be the worst team of all time this year. Like, worse than either 0-16 team. They might go 0-16 themselves, honestly.
  • This next segment is for Bears fans ONLY. Everyone else please move on.
  • What a season. What a team. We’ll remember them for a long, long time.
  • Von Miller: Good
  • Seahawks offensive line: Bad
  • Seahawks defense: Kind of Bad now, too
  • I think the Seahawks are just bad, in general now. Hate to see such a likable bunch fall apart and fade into obscurity.
  • I know there are many, many haters, but I’m addicted to the Browns’ jerseys. Tell me this doesn’t look good on the field. You can’t.
  • To avoid totally piling on the Bears, I will also say that their white jerseys are top five in the league.
  • The late afternoon games are usually pretty boring (mostly because the Cardinals are involved), but Panthers-Cowboys achieved a level of Ambien as of yet unseen in the NFL. If anyone thinks there was one, single worthwhile highlight or event from this game, please alert me so I can avoid you at all costs.
  • Adrian Peterson back???
  • Probably not, but a good game in week 1 buys you four weeks before people start to realize you’ve been averaging 3 yards a carry since.
  • People only think Andrew Luck is good because they want to push their own manufactured narrative that he was the next Elway coming out of college. He STINKS.
  • Forgot how good the Vikings were, which is kind of the perfect way to describe them. They’re really, really good. But there’s just something missing there that will prevent them from going all the way. They’re also the Vikings and are physically incapable of winning big games.
  • When the NFL is back and there’s another 16 weeks of this:

 

NFL Week 1 Picks

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Welcome back to another season of Brian’s Den NFL Picks. You may be wondering where to big, sweeping NFL preview was. Well, as documented in my crisis of faith, I didn’t really feel like it. Plus, I’m kind of over season-long predictions. Who really cares? You want a prediction? At least one (non-Patriots) team that everyone think will be good will actually be bad. And, here’s a bonus prediction, by the way, at least one (non-Raiders) team that everyone thinks will be bad will actually be good. This is the world the NFL has created. This is the world in which I, the greatest football genius the world has ever known, thrive. Come along with me on this vision quest known as the NFL season and I promise you riches, both monetary and intellectual. This is the Official Brian’s Den Pick Zone. All lines from Bovada.

Apologies to everyone who spent four hours of their life watching Eagles-Falcons, especially me since it reminded me that Nick Foles stinks and he somehow beat the Pats in the Super Bowl.

Buffalo Bills at Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)

Good lord, the Bills are gonna be putrid. I’m talking BAD. A true correction to the mean after last year’s playoff appearance. Not only are they throwing PTSD victim Nathan Peterman back out there at QB, they drafted Josh Allen to take the reigns, aka The Biggest Sucker Pick of all time. They’ve got absolutely nothing going for them. It’s not even that the Ravens are that good (they’re not), but they’ll dominate by default. Well, they should dominate. If they run the ball every play, it might be 45-0. But once Cool Joe starts slinging it, you’re asking for trouble. I’m banking on the former happening.

Pick: Ravens -7

Houston Texans at New England Patriots (-6.5)

Texans are a hot pick this year. Deshaun Watson coming back from injury after lighting up the league last year. J.J. Watt is back from injury (again) and could start eating souls again. Tyrann Mathieu is in, ready to start causing havoc. Hopkins is a top-5 receiver in the league. All the pieces are there. Including the Loser DNA and complete aversion to beating the Patriots. This has been the stormiest offseason of the Brady-Belichick era. Everyone’s coming at the throne, trying to divide the empire. You think they’re not gonna come out with a vengeance? Against a young, mobile quarterback who’s in his first game back from his second ACL tear on a team who wouldn’t be able to believe they were winning a game in New England if they were up 100-0 with 30 seconds left in the game? Please. The beat goes on, haters.

Pick: Pats -6.5

San Francisco 49ers at Minnesota Vikings (-6.5)

Jimmy G, baby! Did you know he’s never lost a start? The Niners are the first name off everyone’s lips when you talk teams ready to make a big leap, and for good reason. Kyle Shanahan is a very good coach, Jimmy G is a very good (I’m all in. No, I’m not biased) QB. That alone wins you 8 games in the NFL. The rest of the roster is……….okay, I guess? Consider me halfway on the Niner Bandwagon. Also consider me fully onboard the Vikings bandwagon. This team is stacked. They’re still the Vikings, so a Super Bowl is obviously out of the question, but we’re a long way from that. They might win 14 games this year. They’ve got one of the best top-to-bottom rosters in the league. It’s also the first game of the Kirk Cousins era. A QB’s first game for a new team is almost always ugly. Vikings will still win, but won’t cover. I admit that this was a pretty bad writeup. I, unlike the NFL, didn’t have a preseason.

Pick: 49ers +6.5

Cincinnati Bengals at Indianapolis Colts (-3)

Andrew Luck is back. Andrew Luck hasn’t been really good since 2014. Why should I care that Andrew Luck is back? Colts stink. Bengals stink less. Bengals will win.

Pick: Bengals +3

Jacksonville Jaguars (-3) at New York Giants

Big time season for the boyz from Duval. Jalen Ramsey spent the entire offseason putting pretty much every player in the NFL on blast. He’s forced them to bring their A++++ game every week to avoid being embarrassed. On one hand, that’s good. Playing your best usually wins you games when you’re a good team. On the other hand, that’s a quick way to blow your load in October and be spent come playoff time. But, as we’ve established, we’re not looking that far ahead. To protect their own reputation, the Jags have to come out swinging week one. They also get a new jersey boost. Not a boost from playing in New Jersey, but they actually have new uniforms this year. #prayforeli. #prayforthegiantsskillpositionplayersallseason, really. I know that I’m a New York guy now, but I’m not caught up in the Stockholm Syndrome, yet. Eli’s toast. Sorry to break it to you.

Pick: Jags -3

Pittsburgh Steelers (-4.5) at Cleveland Browns

This is the year for the Steelers, I’m telling you. This is the year they put it all together and make the Super Bowl. I can feel it. Every one of their stars is in a great place and totally happy and totally loved by the locker room. They didn’t lose to the Patriots in the playoffs last year, so they’re riding high. It’s gonna be some great times in the Steel City this year. Especially when they kick off the season against everyone’s favorite team, the Browns. I don’t think the Steelers have lost to the Browns since Eisenhower was in office. And I know this puts me squarely in the Internet’s crosshairs because, for some reason, they’ve decided that you’re Hitler, Jr. if you say anything other than Tyrod Taylor is some combination of Jesus, Tom Brady, and Cam Newton, but I’m out on Tyrod. It’s one of the only caveman-takes I have, but I really believe you need an alpha at QB. It came out during training camp that everyone’s been pronouncing his name wrong. He started playing for Virginia Tech in 2007. He’s been in the public eye for over a decade and never told people how to say his name right??? And he’s supposed to lead the Browns to a win???? No chance. I’d start Baker this second.

Pick: Steelers -4.5

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at New Orleans Saints (-9.5)

Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t coming into New Orleans and winning. End of story. I’d like to take this time to recognize my own toughness, however. Earlier in the week, I was brutally stabbed in the fingertip by a knife that was foolishly placed in the wrong drawer. There was blood everywhere. Thought I’d need stitches. Then, spurned on by the realization that I might not have any health insurance anymore, my body decided enough was enough. I’m now typing with a bandaged finger. This makes my life slightly more difficult. Thank you for your condolences.

Pick: Saints -9.5

Tennessee Titans (-1.5) at Miami Dolphins

I’m telling you, Ryan Tannehill’s ready to make the leap this year. It’s gotta happen at some point, right? Right?!?!?! Please, tell me Ryan Tannehill isn’t terrible! Please, just let me know that this wide receiver we took in the first round and turned into a quarterback isn’t one of the most underwhelming and mentally weak players in the entire league. Please, please, please just tell me Tannehill isn’t bad.

That was my impression of a Dolphin’s “fan.” I put fan in quotations because no one cares about the Dolphins. Nor should they. Because they’re very bad. Titans will throttle them. I like the Titans this year. I’m stubbornly holding on to my Marcus Mariota stock and Mike Vrabel will always have a special place in my heart. Plus, they get the new uniform boost, as well. This is a game that does NOT need to be watched by anyone.

Pick: Titans -1.5

Kansas City Chiefs at Los Angeles Chargers (-3)

In a throwback to the late-2000s, the Chargers are a hot Super Bowl Contender again! What could go wrong? This could be the best game of the weekend. Chargers D is no joke and is a very good test for Pat Mahomes in his first NFL start. Luckily for him, he’s in an ideal situation: a ton of weapons and one of the best QB developers ever. Will the Chiefs D have enough to stop what could be an explosive Chargers O? Can the Chargers make a kick? Can the Chargers win one of their first four games for the first time since 1993? The answer to all of those questions will be revealed on Sunday. That’s what the folks call #analysis.

Pick: Chiefs +3

Seattle Seahawks at Denver Broncos (-3)

A Super Bowl rematch! Wow! The teams are so similar to how they were all those years ago, too. I can’t get myself to care about the Seahawks now that Russell Wilson is the only good player left on the team, but the Broncos could be an interesting team this year. If Case Keenum is merely average he’ll be their best quarterback in years. Their defense is still great, and if they’re not forced to pitch a shutout to win games? Could be a Wild Card team.  This game, however, is going to be awful. It might be 3-0. I’ll just go with the home team.

Pick: Broncos -3

Dallas Cowboys at Carolina Panthers (-3)

Panthers are good but not exciting. Cowboys are alright but not exciting. This game isn’t going to be very exciting, if you couldn’t tell. I know the numbers are alright, but I still think the Cowboys D is terrible. Just feels like they get pushed around all the time. Cam’s going to be the best player on the field and, if he feels like being accurate, should be able to get whatever he wants. Plus, they get a nice new owner boost.

Pick: Panthers -3

Washington Redskins at Arizona Cardinals (-1)

I completely forgot Sam Bradford was on the Cardinals now. If you had asked me where Bradford was now I’d probably just say he’s back in Oklahoma. And he’s starting for them! Maybe it’s just their terrible jerseys, but I’ve got nothing on the Cardinals. Their intrigue has totally run out. I no longer care about them, at all. They’re not going to be very good this year. I would like to petition the NFL to never put the Cardinals on my television. Redskins will win because they’re not bad and Alex Smith is good, whether you want to admit it or not.

Pick: Redskins +1

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (-7.5)

At first I thought 7.5 was way too high. Bears have a lot of exciting new pieces, Aaron Rodgers is coming off an injury, the Packers don’t really have a ton of good players. Then I remembered that Rodgers owns the Bears, especially in primetime. Khalil Mack is a beast and may get ten sacks in this game alone, but the universal order always wins out. Packers beat the Bears, and cover while they’re at it.

Pick: Packers -7.5

New York Jets at Detroit Lions (-7)

Dear God. Why have you forsaken us? Jets-Lions on Monday night? I just puked three times thinking about it. I would say Lions win by a lot, but the Jets, in what is surely the biggest upset since Leicester City won the Premier League, have been making some good moves, lately. They may even have a quarterback for the first time in……ever? If this roster played for the Bengals or something we’d be talking about them as an up-and-comer. But, they’re the Jets. So things probably won’t work out.

Pick: Lions -7

Los Angeles Rams (-4.5) at Oakland Raiders

Raiders are gonna be the worst team in the league this year. Book it. Awful on offense, awful on defense. Anyone would crush them on opening night, but when the big, bad Rams come to town looking to show the world that all that money they spent was worth it? They might score 70. I’m not even joking. Rams might score 70 points. By halftime.

Pick: Rams -4.5

It’s Finally Time to Admit It: I’m Ready for the NFL to Start

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If, for a moment, I could enter into the Brian’s Den Safe Space, I have a confession to make: I haven’t been that excited for this NFL season. Yes, football is my favorite sport. Yes, I know more about football than anyone you know and have never given an incorrect football prediction. Yes, many celebrities and international power players have contacted me for fantasy and gambling advice. But I just haven’t been as amped up for football this year. In fact, for the first time since I hit puberty, I didn’t get the new Madden the day it came out, and I still haven’t gotten it. Don’t worry, I’m not about to launch into a morality-driven plea to stop watching football or anything. I couldn’t care less about concussions, Papa John’s, Nike (just kidding, I will always stan for Nike), anthems, or any of the other b.s. It’s almost worse, but I just didn’t really care about the NFL anymore.

Why, you ask? I think there’s a number of reasons. For starters, I have less time than I used to, which has eroded my sports obsessions across the board. It’s just a natural (but stupid. Who decided we need jobs, anyway?) part of aging. With less time to devote to knowing which high school every player in the NFL went to, my level of devotion will naturally decline. There’s the rapidly declining quality of play, which goes hand in hand with the new safety rules. With virtually no practice time allowed anymore, there’s no time to develop players, there’s no time to install anything but the most rudimentary of schemes (thus the rise in the so-called “college offense”), and, in the end, the best athletes win because, without the skill development, the teams with the best physical tools win. This doesn’t lead to good football. The Patriots, Saints, Packers, and Falcons are just about the only teams to have consistently good offenses in the last, what, three years? And take away Aaron Rodgers and the Packers are instantly out of that conversation. The NFL just STINKS. And that leads to probably the biggest reason- for the first time since I started following the NFL, the end of the Patriots run may finally be in sight and I’m not sure how to deal with it in a healthy way. I was nine when Tom Brady made his debut. Nine! I’m an old man now, and not having him in my life anymore seems catastrophic. I’m not ready to root for a nine-win team. I’d rather die. Luckily, the Pats are going to win at least thirteen games yet again this year, but what about next year? Or the year after that? Are they just going to fade into the rabble once the Brady-Belichick brain trust leaves? That sounds like hell. Why keep investing in something that, shortly enough, probably won’t give me any kind of return whatsoever.

But, here we are, two days from the regular season, and I can’t wait. I’m just a sucker. I will never not love football. I’m an addict. I’m a junkie with no intention of changing his ways. When football is gone, I really think about everything I don’t like it. It’s too slow. There’s too many commercials. It’s overanalyzed. It’s preposterously politicized for all the wrong reasons. The people than run it belong somewhere between the eighth and ninth circles of hell. Most of the players do, too. But you know what? It’s still football. And I was cursed with uncanny football acumen and dedication, and I have no choice but to consume each and every second of action that crosses my face. Now that we’re on the doorstep of yet another NFL season, I’m dreaming of rainy Sundays where I don’t consider leaving the house. I’m thinking about all those Saturday nights with great college games that I’ll tell everyone I’m either working or sick or too tired or whatever else. I’m just happy to have football back. This offseason was a long, stormy night for me. The dawn is approaching. Go Pats.