Category: Football

NFL Picks Week 14

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Jags-Titans finally made its triumphant return to Thursday Night Football, but without the magic of Color Rush, it makes me wonder what the point of it all was. Yes, both teams were in monochrome. But if you think all you have to do to go Color Rush is to wear jerseys, pants, and socks that are already part of your standard jersey set and all the same color, please close this window now. There’s no room for you here. Real ones know Jags-Titans Thursday Night is only complete when its mustard vs. sky blue. White vs. navy doesn’t have the same ring to it.

My favorite part about last night was when the Jags starting talking a ton of smack late in the 4th when the game was out of reach. I think the defense was trying to be defiant and let the offense know it was their fault, not the D’s. This, of course, is despite the fact that the defense had been completely emasculated by the cyborg known as Derrick Henry and allowed a feeble Titans team to put up 30 points. But hey, they almost made the Super Bowl last year. They’ve earned the right to keep talking all game. On a side note, I fundamentally don’t understand why Derrick Henry doesn’t do this more often. Who’s tackling him? Absolute unit.

Atlanta Falcons at Green Bay Packers (-5)

Usually when a team gets a new coach there’s a bit of a new car smell around the facility. Everyone feels refreshed and plays just a little harder. Typically the team is a lock to cover, assuming they hated the old coach and like the new coach. I have no idea if anyone other than Aaron Rodgers actually disliked Mike McCarthy. I know no one’s running through a brick wall for Joe Philbin. It’s clear Aaron Rodgers is the one who’s really in control of that entire building, and he’s got everyone afraid to challenge him in any way. Fear is only a good motivator when you have a winning record. Packers are about to lose out, and lose out big time.

Pick: Falcons

New England Patriots (-8) at Miami Dolphins

-8 seems like a lot when you consider the Pats literally never win in Miami. But when you also consider that things that haven’t happened to the Pats in 15 years are happening this season and that if the Dolphins win and Ravens lose I’m pretty sure the Dolphins actually move into the sixth playoff spot, thus making this a massive, “season-on-the-line” type game for the Dolphins, it almost seems too low.

Pick: Pats

New York Giants (-3.5) at Washington Redskins

It’s Eli vs. Sanchez, next on Fox! Feel the excitement!

Pick: Giants

Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans (-4.5)

The Colts’ absolute ZERO of a performance last week kind of ruined what would have been the rare huge AFC South game. Still, the Colts aren’t dead yet and the Texans really need a bye and/or the 1 seed if they want to do anything in the playoffs, so it might be a decent game. I say might because the Colts’ roster just isn’t that good. For as much as I hate on him, Andrew Luck covers up a lot, and I mean a lot, of warts. Texans just have a better team all across the board. Doesn’t seem fathomable, but the Texans are about to win their 10th straight.

Pick: Texans

Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs (-7)

Hmmm, let me think back to the supposed formula to beat all the best high-flying teams of the past. You’ve got to run the ball and kill the clock. Ravens have averaged 238.66 yards on 48.33 carries in the three games since Lamar Jackson took over as starting QB and have dominated time of possession every game. You need a tough, physical defense that will make things hard for the QB. Ravens are allowing the lowest completion percentage, second lowest passer rating, and second fewest passing yards per game in the NFL. Throw in one of the best kickers in league history and a coach who knows what he’s doing and I think we may have something here, folks. I also know that the Chiefs know they need homefield throughout the playoffs and one loss will ruin it so they’re obviously going to lose a game. Why not this one?

Pick: Ravens

New Orleans Saints (-9.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs

My first reaction was to say the Saints are going to be out for blood and looking to murder the hapless Bucs. But the Bucs have won two straight games, allowing a combined 26 points. Jameis hasn’t turned the ball over in either game. The Bucs already beat the Saints once. Could the Saints lose consecutive games? No. But they won’t win by more than 4.

Pick: Bucs

Carolina Panthers (-1.5) at Cleveland Browns

I’m #done with the Panthers. I stuck my neck out there for them all season and they’ve lost a thousand games in a row. Browns are hot (for them) and are in perfect position to win just enough games to cost them a good draft pick.

Pick: Browns

New York Jets at Buffalo Bills (-3.5)

Got a haircut today. Think it looks nice. Shoutout to my girl Stormy.

Pick: Jets

Denver Broncos (-4) at San Francisco 49ers

I mean, this line is at least three points too low. Niners are about to get crushed.

Pick: Broncos

Cincinnati Bengals at Los Angeles Chargers (-14)

I don’t know. I just don’t see the Chargers winning by 15. So sue me. Yeah, they’ll probably win by 35 but it’s just not happening that way in my head.

Pick: Bengals

Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys (-3.5)

Everyone knows I’m NOT a Cowboys hater, but if I were I’d be rooting for them to win out so they have no choice but to sign Dak to a huge deal and completely ruin their salary cap going forward. But, again, not a hater.

Pick: Cowboys

Pittsburgh Steelers (-10) at Oakland Raiders

If the Steelers can’t win this game? Yikes. I almost wouldn’t want the Pats to beat them next week. It’d just be kicking a dog when it’s down.

Pick: Steelers

Detroit Lions (-3) at Arizona C*******s

Christmas will always be my favorite holiday, but I’ve reached the age where trying to come up with stuff I want is the worst thing ever. If you gave me three years I don’t think I’d be able to come up with a realistic Christmas list. It’d just be a bunch of crap I need but don’t want to buy. It stinks. I want to go back to the days where I had a list three miles long of various toys and games that I viewed as unobtainable because of the astronomic price tag of, like, $14.99. Getting old is for the birds.

Pick: Lions

Los Angeles Rams (-3) at Chicago Bears

This is what Bear Weather was invented for. High flying, flashy, Hollywood team comes swaggering into Chicago talking about In-N-Out and skating and surfing and not caring about anything only to get hit in the face with some 26° air and possible precipitation. As long as Mike Singletary is still alive, the Bears win these games 100% of the time for all of us who grew up toughened by cold weather.

Pick: Bears

Minnesota Vikings at Seattle Seahawks (-3)

I think we’ll finally be able to put the 2018 Vikings to bed after this one. Not a moment too soon.

Pick: Seahawks

Whose Medical Condition is (Allegedly) Faker: Urban Meyer’s or Markelle Fultz’s?

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Two of the biggest stories in the sports world right now revolve around the mysterious ailments afflicting Urban Meyer and Markelle Fultz. Now, anyone with a brain can figure out both of them are (allegedly) fake. The real question is which one is (allegedly) more fake? The headaches or the shoulder? The answer may shock you.

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The Urban Meyer illness, also known as Coachkitis, is obviously (allegedly) fake. It’s happened before! When the going gets tough, Urban gets fakin’. When he was at Florida, the second they lost an undefeated season he had “heart problems” and “wanted to spend more time with his family” so he took a leave of absence that was just an excuse to skip the build up for the bowl game and the next season (allegedly). The next year they went 7-5 and he retired. Because of health and nothing else.

Literally one year later he took the Ohio State job and was magically cured. Until this year, when his team got smacked by Purdue and spent a month and a half looking like shit. All of a sudden he’s got crazy headaches and can barely stand. Miss the playoff for the third year in a row? Have a terrible domestic violence case hanging over the program’s head? Ow, my head (allegedly)! Doesn’t help that his wife is selling him out, saying “winning cures a lot.” Gee, ya think? I wonder if there’s some NCAA sanctions coming Ohio State’s way, too. That might make the ol’ noggin ache a little harder. It’s obvious what’s going to happen: Ohio State is either going to get hit by the NCAA or just start to decline, Urban takes a year off, Brian Kelly gets fired at Notre Dame. Hmm, if only there was a coaching legend who we could hire without needing to pay a huge buyout clause. What’s that? Urban Meyer is healthy again and not doing anything? Wow, what luck! Then in 2023 his back will flare up when they go 8-4 (allegedly).

Verdict: FAKE (allegedly)

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But what about Markelle Fultz? I think I can drop the (allegedly) here, because this is just a made up condition. Thoracic outlet syndrome? That’s not a real thing. I refuse to even entertain the thought that thoracic outlet syndrome is a legitimate medical condition. Like, I’m sorry that Jimmy Butler is bullying you, bro, but you might just suck. He’s completely forgotten how to play basketball. Everything that made him good at every level before the NBA is gone. He’s a total zero on the court. Does nothing well. Maybe it’s just a mental thing? Maybe you weren’t ready to be the number one pick? Maybe you don’t like the pressure of being on a winning team? Maybe you don’t want everyone to look at you all the time even if you’re seemingly intentionally making yourself more of a sideshow than was ever necessary? Do you even want to play basketball anymore? I mean hell, I’ll go out there for ten minutes and hit zero shots. Can’t be that hard. I just can’t wrap my mind around this whole situation. He’s still so talented and could turn it all around. But he’s doing himself no favors by being the most mentally weak person in human history and letting his agent run around telling everyone he’s (allegedly) injured with the well known and definitely not fabricated thoracic outlet syndrome. It’s time to grow up, dude. Just request a trade to Orlando or something, already.

It takes a lot to unseat Urban Meyer when it comes to fake injuries. Up to this point, only Coach K had ever (allegedly) been above him. But there’s a new crown prince of fake injuries, and his name is Markelle Fultz.

Verdict: Very, very, very, not even allegedly Fake

Monday Thoughts Week 13

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Week 13 is a little too close to week 17 for this man. The season’s winding down, and if the remaining weeks are anything like this one, whooo man. Let me tell you, I’d need some electroshock therapy to fry my brain, because this week STUNK and it’s certainly not how I want to remember the 2018 NFL season. This wasn’t even like a month ago when every game was a complete abomination. There were some decent matchups on paper, and every single one of them disappointed in a big way. Oh, well. Such is life in the NFL.

  • The “best” early game was the Bears-Giants game that went to overtime. No one in the world wanted it to go to overtime.
  • Guess Tarik Cohen wanted OT
  • Four players threw passes in this game. The two worst were Chase Daniel and Eli Manning
  • The only thing Eli has over Odell is a dumb look on his face
  •  Gotta check in on the Bears’ art department
  • Very, very on the nose.
  • Bills-Dolphins is an NFL game that, apparently, happened.
  • I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong about something. I thought Josh Allen had zero NFL skills. Turns out he’s the best running quarterback of all time
  • Dolphins’ throwback jerseys and accompanying endzone are good
  • Parents: kid won’t sleep? Can’t get junior to settle down? Just edit the Broncos-Bengals game tape to exclude all Phillip Lindsay touches and watch sparky quickly drift off to sleep.
  • The ultimate metaphor for the Browns post-revival history
  • Linebacker interceptions always seem worse because they’re so abrupt. Like a QB would have to be blind not to see them standing directly in front of their eyes.
  • Maybe I’m just a h8tr, but this has to be the least convincing 9 game winning streak of all time. Who’s taking the Texans seriously? Maybe being a Patriots fan has just jaded me and rendered me incapable of appreciating a team’s short term success because I already know it’s going to end in an early playoff loss.
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, pt. 8349267052869
  • Packers lost at home to the C*******s (naming rights NOT restored, sorry) with their season on the line. It was a terrible game and the Packers are terrible and there will be no highlights. There will be slander, however.
  • Mike McCarthy, an objectively mediocre-to-bad coach with a terrible attitude, was fired after the game, healing every single one of the Packers’ woes. Congrats, guys!
  • So obviously the biggest discussion of the coming offseason is going to be centered around the Packers’ next head coach. I think we can all agree Joe Philbin isn’t the answer. I’m sure that, much like every time LeBron has a coaching vacancy, the narrative will be that there’s a line 10 miles long of people who are dying to coach the great Aaron Rodgers. Are we sure about that? It doesn’t seem worth it, whatsoever. Rodgers is a massive dick. He’s terrible to be around. His teammates hate him. Every time they lose throws everyone else under the bus, starting with the coach. Every win, regardless of circumstance, is entirely because of the Magic of Rodgers. And the rest of the roster stinks. What’s the appeal? Who would want this job? Not this man. I’m preemptively taking my name out of the running.
  • Apparently Aaron Rodgers is the greatest quarterback of all time now despite his resume getting worse over the last two years and Brady’s getting better. You’re telling me your greatest QB in history is going to miss the playoffs again? Your greatest QB has only played in 16 playoff games in his career and just turned 35? Your telling me the greatest quarterback ever has one more playoff win than Tom Brady has SUPER BOWL APPEARANCES???? WHAT????????? How did this happen? How did the narrative shift like this despite NOTHING CHANGING WHATSOEVER???????? Not to turn into Skip Bayless, here, but there’s a reason Rodgers is always on the outside looking in when it matters. The reason is him, if you couldn’t tell.
  • Also, I’m sick of people saying Rodgers is the most physically gifted QB ever. Have you watched Pat Mahomes? Have you seen Cam Newton? I’d love to see Rodgers go head-to-head against Lamar Jackson in a “Physical Gifts” competition. Hell, Rodgers might not even be the most physically gifted QB in his own division. Matt Stafford’s got a pretty sweet arm. Mitch Trubisky can run around and has a bazooka. Everyone just needs to get over the fact that the Patriots dynasty happened. I know you hate it. But just accept it. Brady is the GOAT. Rodgers STINKS.
  • Yeah, there will also be no highlights from Colts-Jags. Sorry.
  • Panthers are dead. R.I.P. in peace. Thought they were good. Turns out they aren’t.
  • Rough, ROUGH game from Cam-
  • I’m sick of Jameis not throwing interceptions. It’s sucking the fun out of the league. I’m revoking the Bucs’ offensive highlight privileges until further notice.
  • Thanks Bucs!
  • Aaron Donald is not human
  • If you sent Aaron Donald back in time 2000 years every country would be named after him today.
  • This game was surprisingly un-fun. Should have been 45-30 or something.
  • We get it, Todd. You want us to think you’re a smart player
  • This wasn’t even smart! Up seven with the two minute warning left and the Lions had a timeout. They wouldn’t have just run out the clock, or anything. Just score, bro. No one will think any less of you.
  • As someone who loves and appreciates the passing game, Ravens-Falcons offended me deeply. Lamar went 12/21 for 125 and Matt Ryan went 16/26 for 131 and a TD. Disgusting. No highlights will be posted because there weren’t any.
  • I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to the late afternoon games because I was just focused on the Pats, but based on the numbers I’m seeing I didn’t miss much in the Jets-Titans game.
  • Mariota has to have a top-five ugliest interception reel
  • No Nut November ending means Josh McCown’s powers fade away
  • Titans are still alive but I give them a -598640568% chance of making the playoffs.
  • Obviously things like the Kareem Hunt situation aren’t exactly why I created this website so I won’t really comment on it. But I’ll just say things are looking even better for the Pats now.
  • I’ll just mark this game down as “Oakland’s Last Stand,” but no Super Bowl contender can sweat out wins against the 2018 Raiders.
  • At least they still get Big Macs
  • Imagine being able to throw a ball this fast?
  • Why is Jared Cook good now?
  • Listen, I get that the Chiefs have a lot on their minds. But this was a bad sign. They’re going to lose another game. The Pats aren’t. After all the hoopla and fanfare and handwringing, the Patriots will get home field advantage in the AFC.
  • Russell Wilson with the rare 4 TD pass, sub-200 yards passing game.
  • Seahawks with the rare sub-350 total yards, over 40 points game.
  • 98-yard pick-sixes will help with that
  • Mullens-to-Pettis is the new Montana-to-Rice
  • Listen, I’m not saying I’m scared of the Seahawks or anything. But if I were an NFC team, I’m not sure I’d want to see Seattle coming up on my schedule anytime soon.
  • Thanks, Niners!
  • We don’t have to dwell on the Pats’ demoralizing victory against the backbone-less Vikings, but I think we have to pour one out for Adam Thielen. His career might as well be over after what happened last night. From the worst TD celebration EVER
  • To the most mystifying decision in human history
  • What are you doing dude? Do you know how many guys have tried to get under Belichick’s skin? Let me rephrase that. Do you know how many better, more intimidating players have tried to get under Belichick’s skin? None of them succeeded, but your scrawny ass will? No offense, but give me a few years months of weight lifting and I’d be able to beat the hell out of you. Think twice before stepping to the NFL’s John Wick.
  • He dropped his next target after that exchange.
  • I misspoke when I said Josh Allen was the best running quarterback. It’s actually Tom Brady
  • Josh Gordon needs more touches
  • Pats are a lock for at least the AFC Championship Game. Ho-hum.
  • Thanks Vikings!
  • Chargers-Steelers was a legitimately good game. A true rarity this week.
  • I’m lazy so I’ll just post the long highlight video because there were too many crazy plays
  • I can’t stop watching this play/dance, though
  • How about Anthony Lynn being married to a news anchor?
  • NBC 4 is the New York City affiliate. Theoretically, if I watched NBC News, I could have Stacey Bell on my TV frequently. That means I’m more invested in this Chargers season than 99.99% of America. Crazy.

That’s it for this week. I’m just going to ignore the Monday night game and hope it goes away. That always works, right?

NFL Week 13 Picks

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Many people are going to be saying the Dallas Cowboys are now a team of destiny and a lock to win the Super Bowl. After all, when’s the last time an NFL team won four straight games? While I admit it’s hard to think of a better team in NFL history than the 2018 Cowboys, I must preach self-control. Don’t fall into the trap. The Cowboys are not going to win the Super Bowl, don’t worry. They will not win a single playoff game. Their defense is good, yes, but they have an absolutely dreadful offense. That’s not how you succeed in 2018. Not in this league. Many of you probably think I have a grudge against the Cowboys. The standard “I hate the Cowboys” mentality that nearly every non-Cowboys fan has. I really don’t. I hate Leighton Vander Esch, but not the Cowboys. I just find them unbearably boring and it bothers me that so much of the conversation about the NFL is focused on such an irrelevant team. If they were a legitimate threat to do something this season, by all means talk about them day and night. But why waste your breath on a team that’s only strategy is “hope the other team literally falls asleep because Dak is the most boring quarterback in NFL history, including Brad Johnson?” Seems counterintuitive, to me.

As for the Saints, I don’t know what the hell happened, but I wouldn’t be too worried. Many a foe have fallen victim to LVE’s unconquerable roid rage (allegedly).

Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins (-3.5)

Dolphins only favored by 3.5 against the Buffalo Bills. Imagine ever thinking this team would live up to the hype.

Pick: Bills

Chicago Bears (-4) at New York Giants

Am I crazy or are things going a little too well for the Bears right now? I think they are. They’ve been feasting on bad teams lately, and while the Giants are also bad, they haven’t technically been eliminated from the playoffs yet, meaning they have at least one more inexplicable win left in them. Eli turns back the clock one more time. Also Mitch’s still out.

Pick: Giants

Arizona C*******s at Green Bay Packers (-14)

Like what did Aaron Rodgers accomplish over the course of the last two seasons that made him the GOAT in everyone’s mind? What changed? He missed the playoffs a few more times? That pushed him over the edge? The same thing’s happening with Brees. People (me) are now saying he’s top 3 ever, but he played at the exact same time as Peyton Manning as was literally never better than him. I’m sick of all this revisionist history just because Brees is having an unreal season and everyone hates the Pats. Five rings still matters, dammit! Rodgers also might be the worst person ever, BTW, but don’t let anyone know you know that. They don’t like it when you bring up that his teammates hate him and he sends unopened Christmas gifts back to his family.

Pick: C*******s

Denver Broncos (-5.5) at Cincinnati Bengals

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the league wanted the Broncos to stay red hot.

Pick: Broncos

Baltimore Ravens at Atlanta Falcons (-1.5)

The old black bird matchup. Classic rivalry. Throw out the record books when these two get together. Ravens have been given new life thanks to Lamar Jackson and a bad defense gift basket sent by the NFL. Well, umm, the Falcons are near the bottom of every defensive category. Yeah.

Pick: Ravens

Indianapolis Colts (-5) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Jags STTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK. Colts are completely back from the dead. Andrew Luck has never lost to an AFC South team (might not be true, but still).

Pick: Colts

Los Angeles Rams (-10) at Detroit Lions

Do you think Jared Goff has ever been within 500 miles of Detroit? What do you think he’ll make of the Motor City? Will he recognize Coney Dogs and square pizza as (delicious) food? How will he handle the cold and bleak cityscape? This whole team is way too Hollywood to survive in Detroit for long. Luckily they only have to stay for a week.

Pick: Rams

Carolina Panthers (-3.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs

Pretty simple: Panthers have to win. Have to. Season’s pretty much done if they lose a fourth in a row, especially against a bad Bucs team. All I want is for Jameis/Fitz to get back to throwing a million funny picks.

Pick: Panthers

Cleveland Browns at Houston Texans (-6)

Just like I was able to sniff out the Broncos’ resurgence, I’m about to offer up another Fearless Prediction- the wheels are about to fall off the Texans’ bandwagon. I just don’t trust them. I think they stink. The defense is great, but it just feels like something’s missing. Are the Houston Texans really going to win nine in a row? No. Are the Houston Texans really going to get a bye? No. Are the Houston Texans really going to do anything other than lose on Wild Card Saturday or in New England the next week? No. Ride the Browns.

Pick: Browns

Kansas City Chiefs (-15.5) at Oakland Raiders

Here’s yet another fearless prediction- the Chiefs will win by a lot.

Pick: Chiefs

New York Jets at Tennessee Titans (-8)

Puke.

Pick: Jets

San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks (-10)

The 2018 Seahawks don’t win by more than 4. Don’t look it up, it’s definitely true. This stinks to high heaven like a classic “Seahawks can’t get anything going and are down 10 with nine minutes left but all of a sudden Russell Wilson decides they’re just not going to lose” game. Seahawks by 3.

Pick: 49ers

Minnesota Vikings at New England Patriots (-5)

Listen. I very rarely go as far as to stake my reputation on a single pick. I’m not one for hyperbole. I don’t like to overreact. But hear me now: If this game ends in anything other than a Patriots’ 24+ point win I will (think about) retiring from weekly picks. Pats are going to massacre the Vikings. Kirk Cousins in New England in December. That’s all you need to know.

Pick: Pats

Los Angeles Chargers at Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.5)

Huge game. Important game. Chargers still aren’t technically out of the running for the number one seed. Steelers just had an absolutely excruciating loss in Denver, will obviously lose to New England in a few weeks, and still have to play the Saints. They need this game badly. Two high powered offenses. Two good-not-great defenses. Who will come out on top? Probably the Steelers because they’re at home and will get the benefit of at least one controversial call. And they’re just better.

Pick: Steelers

Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles (-6)

This is just a personal insult.

Pick: Eagles

Monday Thoughts Week 12

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Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving weekend. I know the NFL did. Plenty of good games and the Giants lost, killing the “run the table” narrative that would have suffocated America before it really got going. Can’t ask for a better digestif for your Thanksgiving meal. Important week as we approach Scenario SZN, so, naturally, this is an important edition of Monday Thoughts™.

  • If you thought that because the Thanksgiving games were included in the weekly picks they’d be included in Monday Thoughts™, you thought wrong, friend.
  • Guess I should mention that Texans’ owner Bob McNair died, but did anyone actually like him? Pretty sure every player hated him. RIP in peace.
  • Pats are back, but, more importantly, Gronk is back
  • Pats committed a holding penalty the play before, and instead of declining the penalty and making it 4th down, Todd Bowles decided to accept it and give Tom Brady another chance. I was just as surprised they scored as you were, believe me.
  • Josh McCown hurt his thumb and they did a close up of it as he walked off the field there was a perfect outline of his penis. I tried very hard to find a clip but came up empty. I may have been put on some kind of watchlist, though.
  • McCown is addicted to getting helicoptered
  • Cordarrelle Patterson: WWE heel
  • This was a very penis-centric game. Even more so than a normal NFL game.
  • Jameis didn’t throw any interceptions this week, thus sucking all the fun out of the Niners-Bucs game.
  • Beginning to think there was a legitimate reason Nick Mullens was the Niners’ third-string QB.
  • We don’t talk about Mike Evans enough
  • He’s really good. Still remember him from the Johnny Football era
  • I was so wrapped up in Johnny Mania. The most must-watch athlete of my college years.
  • Adam Humphries- sneaky quick
  • Is it just me or does it seem like the Bucs have played 20 games this season? Probably just me.
  • I’m willing to call the Bengals the worst team in the league.
  • Baker is already the best QB to wear the orange and brown since they returned to Cleveland.
  • I swear that pushing your teammates to gain yards was outlawed not that long ago
  • Big time revenge game for the Browns against erstwhile head coach Hue Jackson. Damarious Randall remembers him fondly this holiday season
  • Baker was less charitable
  • Browns are hot. Hottest they’ve been since the Mesozoic Era.
  • America thanks you, Eagles. Not for they way you play, or anything. For beating the Giants.
  • This put the Giants up 19-3 and they lost
  • Blowing a lead to this Eagles team is pretty bad. They quit if they get off the bus wrong.
  • Michael Bennett’s jersey has to violate some part of the uniform policy
  • As far as I can tell, the record for catches by a tight end in a season is 102 by Tony Gonzalez in 2004. Zach Ertz has 84 through 11 games, putting him on pace for 122. Just something to watch.
  • I hate the Eagles’ black jerseys. Don’t really care what the public opinion of them is.
  • Jags-Bills was, predictably, an affront to my eyeballs.
  • It did have the return of the Yung GOAT, though
  • 8/19, look out league.
  • Not sure why the Bills went with the throwback logo on the helmet, but I’m not complaining.
  • Despite what the haters are saying, I am not enjoying this Jags’ collapse at all. It makes me sick to my stomach to see this group of hard-working, humble, determined guys struggle to win games. They had such a bright future.
  • JK I love each successive Jaguars loss.
  • I was going to ask why Gus Edwards has consecutive 100+ yard rushing games but then I realized the Ravens have played the Bengals and Raiders these last two weeks.
  • This game was boring as shit, but the Ravens have very good Color Rush jerseys
  • (This man will never post T-Sizzle highlights. Never.)
  • Seahawks are getting dangerously close to “team no one wants to play” territory.
  • Panthers are entering “team everyone wants to play” territory.
  • If you ask the Panthers to stop running reverses to Curtis Samuel, you’re going to be disappointed in the answer
  • Christian McCaffrey had a massive game. 125 yards rushing. 11 catches, 112 yards receiving. Two TDs. He also set white skill guys back 20 years by getting caught from behind on this run
  • Come on, man! How am I supposed to explain to my son that his hero didn’t score because he’s only deceptively athletic, not actually athletic? Think about the next generation.
  • Seahawks’ receivers spend the entire week practicing cellys
  • Russell Wilson’s having one of those seasons where every game results in a 4th quarter comeback
  • I refuse to believe David Moore only has 22 caches this season. He scores every game.
  • I wonder if all parties involved could recreate this if they were given 1,000 chances
  • Considering how little I trust pretty much every NFC team, I’m going to say the Seahawks are going to be playing in the conference title game. Actually, I guarantee it.
  • The Chargers obviously beat the hell out of the C*******s, but I’ve got a serious problem with something that happened during the game. Phil Rivers started the game with 25 straight completed passes, a new record. If he got to 26, it would be an NFL record for most consecutive completions at any point in a game/games. I can’t find the video for some reason, but the Chargers called a like, nine step drop with a terrible route combination for what would have been completion number 26 in a row. It had no chance. How did they do my man Phil like that? How does no one buzz the offensive coordinator and tell him to call a quick screen or something? Hasn’t Phil done enough for San Diego Los Angeles to get some courtesy from his coaches? The Chargers screwed Phil out of an NFL record for no reason whatsoever. SMH.
  • Fire jerseys, though
  • Ryan Tannehill is back just in time to put together some decent stat lines so people start thinking next year is The Year.
  • This game is exactly why I’m an Andrew Luck hater. This was back-to-back passes
  • This doesn’t work against real teams. Sure, you can get away with this against the Dolphins or Alex Smith Chiefs, but when you get to actual competition (i.e., the Pats) these mistakes are murder. But the final statline looked good so it’s okay and he’s great.
  • Turns out Eric Ebron’s just a late bloomer
  • See guys, not everyone succeeds right away. Sometimes it takes people a few years after college to really find their footing. Maybe even longer. Just because other people from their class are building fulfilling careers and putting that hard earned education to work doesn’t mean someone’s a failure if they aren’t. You know, not everyone has a website a few dozen people read, so who’s really succeeding, anyway? Wait, are we still talking about Ebron?
  • Score one more for the “Broncos are kind of good” crowd. Oh, you weren’t part of it? Only I was? Huh. Imagine not being a football genius (I know I didn’t pick them this week but whatever).
  • Not that I was nervous in any way about them, but games like this put me more at ease that the Same Old Steelers will lose to the Pats when it counts.
  • Classic Philly Special
  • Hope AB wasn’t watching when Juju went 97 yards for the second straight season
  • Think I say this every week, but this is legitimately one of the five worst throws I’ve ever seen
  • Broncos are kind of like the AFC Cowboys. Nothing really happens during their games but they manage to be okay.
  • I guess today was Color Rush day, or something. Broncos should switch to these helmets full-time
  • I’m not sure if I’ve ever gone into this before, but I know I’ve thought about it a million times- how did Pepsi become the official soft drink of the NFL? Was this a Steph Curry-Nike situation and Coke called them the AFL or something in the pitch? I know there are the hipsters out there who prefer Pepsi, but let’s be real here- the NFL can’t associate itself with a second-class product. Coke is bigger and better, and the fact that the NFL has to slap a Pepsi logo on the Super Bowl halftime show is way worse for the league than CTE. Dr. Pepper is the best of the Big 3, don’t @ me.
  • While it’s tempting to just say every non-Aaron Rodgers aspect of the Packers’ organization is bad without giving any blame to the supposed best quarterback of all time, I think both can be applicable. Mike McCarthy is a bad coach. Their defense is bad. Their skill guys are alright, but not world-altering. But Aaron Rodgers just kind of sucks, sometimes. Last night he was bad. No one will say it, but he was bad. He probably cost them the game and likely cost them the playoffs, again. But he’s better than Brady, who’s suddenly looking at a first round bye for the thousandth year in a row.
  • What happened to Xavier Rhodes? Wasn’t he an All-Pro, like, last year? Now they’re talking about him on the broadcast like he can’t cover anyone one-on-one.
  • This play reminds me of freshman football back in high school
  • Whenever a punt was short or non-returnable (pretty much always) we yelled “poison” to make everyone get away from the ball. One time there was a “poison” call and a kid ran towards the ball, tried to pick it up, and lost the ball. I just remember the coach screaming in a very defeated dad voice “poison, Joey, poison!” It was funny, believe me. Also lead to an all time locker room rant.
  • Every Stefon Diggs catch either goes for 35 yards or less than five
  • Adam Thielen: Gritty
  • The Vikings seem to be back in some semblance of control over their playoff destiny. The Packers are out barring a miracle. I fully expect the Packers to make the playoffs and the Vikings to miss, just because that’s usually how things work for these franchises.

That’ll do it for this edition of Monday Thoughts™. Unfortunately, I will be unable to watch tonight’s thrilling Titans-Texans game since I’ll be seeing Creed II in one of the new Dolby Cinema theaters. I know, I can’t believe I would intentionally miss such an interesting game, either.

NFL Week 12 Picks

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Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. It’s a time to celebrate family, food, football, and fake stories about awkward conversations during dinner. What a wonderful time! I like Thanksgiving, but it’s not my number one (I know for a fact I’ve gone into this before, but it’s Christmas. Obvi). Give me the meal, but I’ll skip the explanations to countless family members of how I’m still kind of a loser. But that’s not what this is about. This is about football. For the first time this season, you’ll get some Thursday picks, so be thankful for that. Hmmm. Thankful. That sounds like a decent gimmick. I think I’ll go through every game and say what they make me thankful for. No one’s done that, right?

Chicago Bears (-3.5) at Detroit Lions

I’m thankful for the Lions’ early Thanksgiving game, which has eased me into countless Thanksgivings by giving everyone something to talk about. I’m thankful for my uncle from Australia (yeah, I’m pretty worldly, NBD) who, without fail, would watch the majority of every game with me once he got a taste for it. I’m thankful for Matt Stafford because it’s nice to have guys with huge stats that don’t actually win anything. I’m thankful for Khalil Mack because it’s fun to watch future Hall of Famers in their primes. I’m thankful for Mitchell Trubisky not playing, because it makes this a lot easier.

Pick: Lions

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys (-7.5)

I’m thankful that, eventually, this game will end.

Pick: Redskins

Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints (-13)

I’m thankful for the invention of the forward pass, which will be on full display during this game. I’m thankful for Drew Brees, who was indirectly related to one of my crowning achievements (eating 13 cupcakes during the 2009 Super Bowl). I’m thankful for Matt Ryan for being a major character in the greatest night of my life (when the Falcons lost the Super Bowl despite being up 28-3. Don’t know if I’ve mentioned it). I’m thankful I don’t really have to do any research, because my gut tells me there’s no way a division game in the Thanksgiving prime time spot ends in a blowout. That only happens when the Jets are involved.

Pick: Falcons

Seattle Seahawks at Carolina Panthers (-3)

I’m thankful for all the random receivers the Seahawks have who seem to decide before every game who’s going to have a 50 yard play. I’m thankful for Cam Newton because he makes me question how I share 99% of my DNA with someone like him. I’m thankful for Russell Wilson because he’s one of the most fun QBs to watch of all time and one of the weirdest people in world history. I’m thankful that this game exists to appease all the sticks in the mud who complained about too much offense on Monday night.

Pick: Panthers

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles (-6)

I’m thankful for the future where society crumbles under the apocalyptic heat of the collapsing sun and the NFL is left behind, because that means there won’t be any more NFC East games.

Pick: Giants

New England Patriots (-9.5) at New York Jets

I’m thankful for Tom Brady (obviously) for being the driving force behind the, like, five happiest moments of my life (yes, I’m a loser). I’m thankful for this exact matchup for giving us the Butt Fumble massacre on Thanksgiving night six years ago. I’m thankful that the Jets have provided so much comedy over the years and are the perfect slump-busters. I’m thankful for whichever QB starts for the Jets because they’re going to be very bad.

Pick: Patriots

San Francisco 49ers at Tampa Bay Bucs (-3)

I’m thankful for every quarterback involved with this game. The definition of electric. That’s it, though. Not much else to look forward to.

Pick: Niners

Oakland Raiders at Baltimore Ravens (-11)

I’m thankful for season 3 of Ballers, because the storyline that Spencer Strasmore was spearheading the Raiders move to Las Vegas is still the most preposterous thing I’ve ever seen. I’m thankful for Lamar Jackson because he’s really fun to watch, even if he’s on my least favorite team. I’m thankful for crab and crabcakes, some of America’s most underrated cuisine. I’m thankful for the Mark Davis-Jon Gruden-Reggie McKenzie triumvirate, because it gives me hope that, no matter how bad I am at a given task, there’s always the chance that someone out there will pay me handsomely to do it.

Pick: Ravens

Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals (-3)

I’m thankful my family is from New England and not Ohio. I’m thankful for the 2007 version of this game where Derek Anderson and Braylon Edwards looked like the future of the league. I’m thankful for the Browns’ jerseys and brown jerseys, in general, because it separates the sartorial men from the boys. I’m thankful Andy Dalton went to a team with orange helmets. I’m thankful for those same Bengals helmets for being one of the best in the league since the moment they were introduced in 1981. I’m thankful that both these franchises have selflessly decided to be perennial losers so other teams don’t have to be. I’m thankful for Baker Mayfield and every promising young QB cursed by where they were drafted.

Pick: Browns

Jacksonville Jaguars (-3) at Buffalo Bills

I’m thankful football games are only 60 minutes long.

Pick: Bills

Arizona C*******s at Los Angeles Chargers (-12)

I’m thankful for turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, bread, apple pie, pumpkin pie (even though I’m a bit of a h8tr), and everything else that you, yes you reading this now, like eating on Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for those of us who don’t follow society’s pressure to trash food online because it makes us feel cool and liked. I’m thankful for cranberry sauce even though I don’t really like it, because I know plenty of people do and that’s reason enough for it to be on the table. I’m thankful for leftovers. Mostly leftover turkey, but most Thanksgiving leftovers fall under the umbrella. I’m thankful for that America is the land of the free and I will never face persecution or prosecution for eating way too many appetizers and snacks before the actual meal. I’m thankful that I’ve never been (and hopefully never will be) the drunkest person at a Thanksgiving dinner. I’m thankful that one day, the C*******s will be watchable again.

Pick: Chargers

Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) at Denver Broncos

I’m thankful that the Steelers refuse to beat the Patriots in the playoffs. I’m thankful that the Broncos won’t make the playoffs so the Pats can’t lose to them.

Pick: Steelers

Miami Dolphins at Indianapolis Colts (-8)

I’m thankful that the Dolphins have been the Pats’ chief competition in the AFC East. I’m thankful that they win the offseason Super Bowl every year and still never win more than nine games. I’m thankful that the Colts are still the ultimate “you can just bludgeon them in the playoffs” team after all these years. I’m thankful for Parks and Rec, because it gave us some of the greatest athlete cameos in TV history. I’m thankful that the Dolphins quit a couple months ago.

Pick: Colts

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings (-3)

I’m thankful for Al Michaels, who’s still one of the best in the business. I’m thankful for Kirk Cousins because he gives the worst pre-game speeches of all time. I’m thankful for Aaron Rodgers because he’s really good. I’m thankful one of these teams will be effectively eliminated after this, because I’m sick of the “will they, won’t they” dance both of them are doing.

Pick: Vikings

Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans (-6.5)

I’m thankful that I’m going to see Creed II in one of the new Dolby Theaters on Monday night, because it means I don’t have to watch this.

Pick: Texans

Monday Thoughts Week 11

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Week 11. Monday Thoughts™. My entire life has been leading up to this moment. Yours has, too. This is the most important moment in the history of the world. To waste it would be an insult to the football gods.

  • Since the Pats were on bye I had to pay closer attention to the rest of the league, and, I have to say, I have no idea how the rest of the country deals with watching non-Patriots football every week.
  • Lamar Jackson got the start with Flacco out, and, you’ll never believe this, the offense was good with him in. Crazy, I know.
  • Someone named Gus Edwards had 115 rushing yards and a TD. That’s as sure a sign as any that the Bengals are toast.
  • It’s kind of weird, but I think the Ravens are better with Lamar but scarier as a potential playoff team with Flacco. I still wake up with cold sweats thinking about his miraculous Super Bowl run from time to time. I know he’s garbage and all, but I would loooooooooove to play against rookie Lamar Jackson in the playoffs.
  • I actually feel bad for Andy Dalton because he’s been pretty decent this year but the rest of the team is just awful. Such is life.
  • I’m addicted to Bucs’ QB play
  • Fitzpatrick and Winston have completely broken the Bucs’ coaches’ brains. They’re essentially the same player and they just can’t figure out which one has the hot hand on any given week. I suggest swapping them every half.
  • Are the Giants back?
  • Saquon never left
  • Odell never left, either.
  • I can already hear the sarcastic-but-hopeful cries from Giants’ fans that the league should watch out once the Giants get rolling. And I agree. Please don’t let them get hot. I beg you. I’ve seen this movie too many times. Someone beat them, like, one more time. That’s all it takes to kill this before it gets out of hand.
  • I’m going to say something nice about the Cowboys: they’re really good at making exciting teams play in really boring games.
  • I’m going to add another nice thing: their jerseys looked good in the Mercedes-Benz Stadium lighting.
  • I might be in the minority here, but I really like the MBS lighting. It’s a little harsh, but it’s unique. You know you’re watching a game in The Big Asshole.
  • Impromptu lighting/camera angle power ranking: 1. L.A. Coliseum when the sun is about to set (applies to the Rose Bowl, too, but this is NFL only) 2. Superdome 3. MBS 4. Soldier Field day and night 5. Hard Rock Stadium
  • Panthers-Lions was pretty boring but it was an especially bad jersey matchup. The camo accessories for the Salute to Service month looked absolutely atrocious with the Panthers’ all black.
  • Imagine having an 82 yard gain and not scoring
  • Has to be demoralizing.
  • It’s easy to bash Matt Stafford but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t throw some pornographic passes sometimes
  • Pretty inexplicable loss, honestly. Panthers might be playing with fire if they keep this up.
  • Steelers-Jaguars was an exact replica of every time a lesser team had the Patriots on the ropes and couldn’t seal the deal over the last fifteen years. All that was missing was the losing team and everyone on Twitter complaining about how unfair it all was.
  • This is perhaps the saltiest, most bitter article ever written. And his team won! Steelers people are wild, man.
  • Nice defense, fellas!
  • One of the ugliest touchdowns these eyes have ever seen
  • Allow me to speak for everyone invested in the AFC when I thank the Jaguars from the first three quarters of this game for just not bothering to show up for half the season.
  • No idea where the Jags really go from here. Last year it seemed like the world was their oyster and it was merely a matter of how many consecutive Super Bowls they would win. Now they’re probably facing yet another rebuild and have no answer at QB. But at least they like to talk trash, right?
  • Sucks for Alex Smith. Yeah, the Redskins are one of the three most boring teams in the NFL (along with the Cowboys and Eagles) and he’s not always great to watch, but seeing someone get that kind of injury just sucks.
  • Texas might be officially back, though. Colt McCoy never dies.
  • Also not to be that guy but, like, it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever if this meant we don’t have to watch a Redskins playoff game.
  • Texans are good in the most non-threatening way possible. Defense is nails.
  • This tuddy just looks cool
  • Absolutely brutal Titans performance. If only someone could have seen this coming.
  • I will say that Andrew Luck needs to finish in the top 3 in MVP this year. He’ll still have a 3 interception playoff loss, though.
  • T.Y. Hilton is back
  • Maybe the funniest interception ever
  • Don’t look now, but the Colts are the team no one wants to play (please let the Pats play them in the first round. Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaassseeeee).
  • If only there was a fearless blogger who declared that the Broncos weren’t that bad and that they’d beat the Chargers. What a crazy thing that would be.
  • Antonio Gates is still alive, at least
  • The Wildcat is Back
  • Somehow Von Miller has become underrated. Aaron Donald and the Watt Boyz and Khalil Mack get all the headlines, but Von is still one of the five best defensive players in the NFL and should be a lock for the Hall of Fame. He’s a machine.
  • Why I hate Twitter in a nutshell:
  • The Raiders won! Who needs Khalil Mack?
  • C*******s just lost letter privileges.
  • Did anyone in the world know Chandler Jones has 10.5 sacks already?
  • Derek Carr and Jon Gruden are ready to fight to the death and they don’t care who knows it
  • Eagles are doooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeee. Good job, good effort, guys. At least everyone’s having fun out there.
  • Carson Wentz is complete ass.
  • Drew Brees was already the third best quarterback ever and now he’s having his best season
  • Saints are looking like an all time team right now. If they make a deep run this will be considered one of the best and most efficient offenses in league history.
  • Mitchell Trubisky was put on this Earth to dominate the first quarter and a half of prime time football games.
  • Everything after that is anyone’s guess.
  • Like, come on, man
  • One of these days he’ll put together a complete game against a good team and the league will be in trouble. Adding “Mr. T” as an audible call is going to help.
  • Khalil Mack: good
  • Got to check in
  • Suppose there’s not much room for interpretation with the Vikings.
  • I have a problem with this:
  • While it’s appropriate for an NFC North team to co-opt the North’s battlecry from Game of Thrones, to put this out there when you’re facing one of the few teams that’s farther north than you is stupid. The whole point of the slogan is that the unified North won’t let the southern fancy boys walk all over them. To say “the North Remembers” to a fellow North team (and one that’s even more North than you) is a slap in the face to everything the Starks and Mormonts and Reeds and Umbers (book version, not snake show version) and all the rest stand for. This is officially #bad content, Bears. I’m disappointed in you.

Get hyped for tonight. Everyone’s pre-week 10 Super Bowl preview Chiefs-Rams should be a doozy. And by doozy I mean Chief will win by at least 24.

NFL Week 11 Picks

It’s not fair that it’s week 11 already. I’m not ready to be without football yet. The playoffs will start before you know it. Then it’ll be the Super Bowl and you’ll wish you enjoyed this season more even though half the teams in the league stink. Then it’ll be the middle of April and the draft hasn’t even happened yet and you’ll be craving football and you won’t have any relief until August and you’ll just fall into an unnecessary depression. Believe me, I’ve been there. We all need to cherish the second half of this season, because who knows if next season will ever come? The good news is that this week will be better than last week. It will be by default. I mean, we only need one more good game after last night to eclipse the standard set by week 10. I like our odds. After all, Oakland’s playing Arizona this week.

Dallas Cowboys at Atlanta Falcons (-3)

It’s the “They Should Probably Be Way Better” Bowl presented by Wingstop. Who will prevail? Either way, I bet it’s the lead topic on First Take, First Things First and Undisputed, because America just can’t get enough Cowboys. Fun fact: according to DVOA, the Cowboys have the 20th ranked total defense and the 26th rank pass defense, which certainly goes against the narrative that their defense is a heroic unit winning games singlehandedly. The Falcons offense? 6th overall and 5th passing. So, yeah. Seems like a pretty big advantage. Not as big of an advantage as leading by 25 points in the third quarter of the Super Bowl, but still.

Pick: Falcons

Tampa Bay Bucs at New York Giants (-1)

Now that the Fitzmagic tour is long over, the Bucs aren’t all that fun anymore, which is pretty crazy considering they’re first in the league in passing yards per game. We know the Giants are trash, mostly because Eli is one of the worst quarterbacks I’ve ever seen. Wait, hold on a second, someone’s knocking on my door.

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Hello, this is definitely still Brian and not a hitman hired by the NFL. Eli is still elite and if you criticize him you’re going to burn in hell for all eternity. He only under threw 20 people on Monday, guy’s still got it! Eli is a god and so is Archie and so is Peyton and people forget Cooper was the best athlete out of all of them.

Pick: Giants

Carolina Panthers (-4.5) at Detroit Lions

Things might be getting late early for my guy Matt Patricia. Looking BLEAK in the Motor City. Another blowout loss cometh. Kind of side note but not really- can you ever picture Detroit having a good defense? They’re like the anti-Ravens. Even if the Lions had a good statistical defense (they most certainly do not), I’d still think of them as being shitty. Gonna take a Warriors-type turnaround for me to ever consider taking a Lions’ defense seriously. Not sure how much that matters, but still.

Pick: Panthers

Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens

I’m gonna give everyone a little peek behind the curtain: I actually write these on Thursday most of the time because I don’t have the time on Friday. As I sit hit on Thursday night, there’s still no line for this game. Flacco’s probably no playing. Lamar Jackson’s probably not playing. RGIII, yes, that RGIII, is the likely starter. The Bengals have the worst defense, like, ever. First team to ever give up 500 yards three straight games. This game STINKS. I’m just gonna assume it’s Ravens -3 and go off that.

Pick: Bengals

Tennessee Titans at Indianapolis Colts (-1)

This is such a classic overvaluation of a team that just beat the Patriots it almost makes me sick how easy this is. Titans still stink and they just won their Super Bowl. Remember how the Jags put absolutely everything into beating the Pats in week 2 then lost a million straight? Colts will continue their push to be the least talked about playoff team ever despite having Andrew Luck. I think the media’s trying to keep everyone off the scent that they only say Andrew Luck is good because they all said he was Elway 2.0 coming out of college by just not talking about him at all despite the fact that he’s having one of his best seasons. Or maybe it’s because the rest of the roster stinks.

Pick: Colts

Pittsburgh Steelers (-6) at Jacksonville Jaguars

People forget Big Ben had one of his worst games ever against the Jags last year, but they also forget that he dominated them in the playoffs and would have won if the defense could get literally one stop. Anyway, none of that matters because the Jags have completely quit and are going to lose by a thousand.

Pick: Steelers

Houston Texans (-3) at Washington Redskins

This is a weird matchup. Don’t know if I’ve ever thought of the Texans and Redskins at the same time once in my entire life. It’s completely inexplicable to me that the Redskins have a good record. They’re not good at anything. Not a good offense, not a good defense, good special teams I guess but that’s not enough to win six games. I mean, just try to envision A. Smith and the Skins moving the ball against this Texans defense. It’s impossible. Deshaun will hit a few big passes and that’ll be that.

Pick: Texans

Denver Broncos at Los Angeles Chargers (-7)

I’ve probably said they stink pretty recently, but I declaring myself the last remaining member of the “Broncos aren’t actually that bad” camp. They’ve been really unlucky and their D is still top-notch. I’m stamping this as my “Brian’s Den Official Bold Prediction of the Week Presented by Doritos.” Broncos beat the Chargers, even if it is a wildfire game.

Pick: Broncos

Oakland Raiders at Arizona Car*****s (-5.5)

Just puked all over my laptop and now I need a new one. Thanks, NFL!

Pick: Car*****s

Philadelphia Eagles at New Orleans Saints (-9)

This game seems more important than it really is. Eagles are really on the brink and could be one bad loss away from packing it in. I think the Saints might win by 45. Legitimately. Saints are going to absolutely destroy them. Don’t let your kids watch this massacre.

Pick: Saints

Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears (-3)

Here we go again. Yet another NFC East division game in prime time. Oh, sorry. It’s just a reflex at this point. A Sunday night game that involves ZERO NFC East teams?????????????????? I don’t know how to react. In a weird way, this game is must-win for both teams. Vikings just need wins and the Bears need to beat a good team to kind of prove to themselves they can do it. Honestly, this has Bears written all over it. They have the better offense and the better defense and are playing in Soldier Field. Kind of seems obvious when you say it that way.

Pick: Bears

Kansas City Chiefs at Los Angeles Rams (-3.5)

I’m kind of disappointed this was moved out of Mexico City because I was going to put everything I wrote into Google translate to get it in Spanish. It would have been funny, trust me. Now I’m just left with the fact that I think the Chiefs are going to run the Rams off the field in English. That’s no fun. I legitimately don’t think the Rams can get one stop. Need Aaron Donald to get three strip sacks to have a chance. That’s not that outlandish, but the rest of the defense might as well be practice cones (credit to me for not calling them burnt toast. Go here if you’d like to find a way to help the people of California).

Pick: Chiefs

Monday Thoughts Week 10

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It’s rare that a week of games lives up to expectation. Meets all the hype. Leaves you totally satisfied. This was one of those weeks. On Friday I said this was the worst schedule of games of all time. It was exactly that. A week that would make most fans question why they cared about this sport, this only deepened my love for the NFL because it proved that my finger was firmly on the pulse of the league. Stupid, I know. This is a very, very subpar edition of Monday Thoughts™.

  • Have to start with the absurd cancellation of the game in Nashville today. The weather wasn’t even that bad! Can’t believe they just decided to call the game off. This is the third time the league’s cancelled a Patriots game this year, have to think there’s a larger conspiracy at work.
  • Listen, I’m not being hyperbolic, here. This week was complete ass. There was one (1) compelling game all day, and only three games with a one-score final margin. The most exciting thing that happened all day was when I got my hands on some McDonald’s. So, yeah, forgive if I don’t devote a lot of time to this one.
  • Allow me to be the 100th person to make a Josh McCown-No Nut November joke. I know these witticisms are what you all come for (oh!).
  • Such a weird Bills season. How do they have three wins?
  • Free tip- don’t give yourself the nickname Showman if no one knows who you are
  • Covering the week’s biggest spread just unlocked another letter. Congrats to the Car*****s.
  • I respect Arizona for not even trying to guard Tyreek Hill
  • I should have moved to Kansas City
  • This might not even be one of the ten worst throws of the day
  • Falcons are dead again and Baker Mayfield is good again.
  • Nice defense, fellas!
  • The haters will say brown jerseys with orange pants and brown socks is a tough look. True aficionados know that this bold, avant garde combination takes a level of panache and aplomb to reach its full potential, and Baker has that in spades.
  • I, for one, am thoroughly enjoying this Jags free fall.
  • Leonard Fournette got 53 yards on 24 carries and I’m pretty sure that drastically improved his career YPC.
  • Sick TD, though
  • Thought Eric Ebron would redefine the tight end position when he was drafted, but at least he got a highlight TD!
  • Lions are deader than dead.
  • Your boy Mitchy T loves to shred bad defenses.
  • Every time I think I’m out on him he plays really well against a bad team and makes me forget he kind of sucks.
  • Even in a week where I’m not really trying, you know we had to check in:
  • Mad Max Lion because Detroit is just a post-apocalyptic wasteland? They said it, not me (I also don’t think they understand what the phrase “secure the bag” means).
  • Did Redskins-Bucs actually happen? I don’t think it did.
  • Saints are good.
  • I could post all 100 of the Saints’ touchdowns today, but instead I’ll just post this relevant clip:
  • Many people are saying the Saints are now the best team in the league, and I might be more inclined to agree if their defense was a skosh sturdier. Still, I think they have to be the current favorites to come out of the NFC. I’m thinking there might be a random champion this year, though. Some 9-7 horseshit Super Bowl winner or something.
  • This isn’t even schtick or laziness but I honestly think I blacked out and missed the entirety of Chargers-Raiders and Dolphins-Packers. Just preposterously boring games.
  • Although on closer inspection of the box score it appears that Frank Gore is still pretty decent? How???
  • Seahawks and Rams are destined to always have the one that isn’t good give the one that is good trouble for eternity. I swear the crappy Jeff Fisher Rams were the only teams that could consistently beat the Legion of Boom.
  • Rams honestly should have scored 70. They were doing whatever they wanted the entire game.
  • Floyd legitimately looks like a little boy
  • Aaron Donald already has a career high in sacks
  • Imagine getting hit by Donald and Suh at the same time
  • I’m just guessing but I’m assuming the Rams are undefeated when using these jerseys as throwbacks.
  • Alright, I admit it: Cowboys-Eagles was better than I thought it would be. That’s all you’ll get from me, though.
  • Just an awful pass
  • Time for Foles?
  • I’ve decided I hate Leighton Vander Esch. I hate his name, I hate his neckroll, I hate his farmboy hick backstory, I hate his face and steroid neck
  • Hey, Leighton, I know you think you’re cool, but you’re just an 80s bully with a stupid name, I’m not afraid of you. You went to a school that only had two girls ever enter it, what does it think it is, my room? Let me know when you figure out what 2+2 equals, bro. Loser.
  • Next week will be better by default. Worry not.

NFL Week 10 Picks

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Remember waking up yesterday morning thinking you would get a good game between two of the hottest teams in the league? A back-and-forth slugfest that served as a possible (but very unlikely) Super Bowl preview? Yeah, that didn’t happen. Game sucked. Steelers are officially Back Until The Play the Patriots, which is where this era of Steelers’ football tops out. So, good for them.

I’ll be honest with you guys, this is the worst week of games I can ever remember. Legitimately. Not one good game on paper. Actually, there was one but it ended 52-21. Three of the thirteen games have spreads lower than six, and all three of those game are between equally terrible teams. If you’ve got a life or a significant other (I have neither, sweet!) maybe think about taking your special someone out apple picking or something on Sunday. Because you do NOT want to watch these absolute abominations. Pray for anyone who chooses to watch all of these “games” (me).

Buffalo Bills at New York Jets (-7)

Puke city, but this is where the Jets score 49 points and buy Todd Bowles another season.

Pick: Jets

New England Patriots (-7) at Tennessee Titans

The fact that the Pats and Jets are both favored by the same amount of points is insulting. Pats are going to MURDER the Titans. They might repeat the 59-0 game from 2009. Titans just book a stay at the Blowout Hotel, checkout time is 4:30pm on Sunday.

Pick: Pats

Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears (-6.5)

Last week was…less than encouraging for the Lions. It seems like they’re ready to quit big time. A bad start on the road against Mitchell Vick could spell doom for the Lions’ entire season. One problem? The Bears have only allowed five first half touchdowns all season. Could get late early in Detroit.

Pick: Bears

New Orleans Saints (-6) at Cincinnati Bengals

This has Letdown Game written all over it. Saints are flying high, won seven straight, just beat the Rams, going to the ‘Nati to play the Bengals who no one takes seriously without A.J. Green. What could go wrong? Sure seems like nothing. Bengals D isn’t all that good, Bengals O isn’t all that good. Actually, you know what? Even if the Saints do have a letdown, they’ll still beat the Bengals. Picking the Bengals as an underdog is a brutal experience, mostly because you know within two seconds if they’re going to cover or not. I’m not about to hop on that roller coaster willingly.

Pick: Saints

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts (-3)

Seven of the sixteen teams in the AFC have a positive scoring differential. Did you know the Colts were one of them? I bet you didn’t. They’ve won two in a row and, by virtue of being in the AFC South, are approaching “Don’t Look Now” territory. I’m obviously the chief anti-Andrew Luck guy, but he dominates the division, historically. Jags are in complete free fall. Lost four straight, everyone hates each other, guys randomly deciding they aren’t playing. Things are bad in northern Florida, right now, and it’s a shame. They’re such a good, likable group of dudes.

Pick: Colts

Atlanta Falcons (-6) at Cleveland Browns

Remember when the Browns were hot and the Falcons were dead? Feels like a lifetime ago. I keep saying it, but the Falcons are kind of back. The offense is slinging the ball around, Julio Jones is scoring TDs, won three in a row. Meanwhile, the Browns have been outscored 134-76 since their last win during the Second Peloponnesian War. That’s 14.5 points per game, for those not keeping track. That’s bad, folks. Not quite as bad as losing a 28-3 lead with 2:12 left in the third quarter of the Super Bowl, but still bad.

Pick: Falcons

Washington Redskins at Tampa Bay Bucs (-3)

Yikes, this week STINKS.

Pick: Bucs

Arizona Ca******s at Kansas City Chiefs (-17)

Alright, someone should get fired for scheduling this game. I realize there are rules and it’s all formulaic, but have a heart. These guys have families and people that care about them. They don’t deserve to get publicly humiliated and have the score run up on them. Arizona’s a big retirement spot, how many people will die because of this game? 10? 20? And the NFL can live with that? Shameful.

Pick: Chiefs

Los Angeles Chargers (-10) at Oakland Raiders

There’s a play-by-play guy that’s been training his whole life to make the big time. Studies the tape, practices his craft, strengthens his voice and knowledge of the game daily, is the hardest working person in the room at all times. Went to Syracuse or Northwestern or something. Got a fellowship or whatever with the right people and started working right away. Just been grinding for years. And he has to call this game. Think about that.

Pick: Chargers

Miami Dolphins at Green Bay Packers (-10)

What the hell? Guess I’ve got to find something real to do on Sunday afternoon.

Pick: Packers

Seattle Seahawks at Los Angeles Rams (-10)

Four double digit favorites this week. Four! And they aren’t even close to being the four worst games of the week. I would like to file an official injunction against the NFL schedule makers for abusing my blind loyalty to this awful, awful league.

Pick: Seahawks

Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles (-7)

An NFC East divisional game on Sunday night. I mean, I don’t even know what to say anymore. I feel like a principal in an early 2000’s middle school movie who’s just given up and let that one shithead kid and his crazy shenanigans take control of the entire school. Someone just put me out of my misery.

Pick: The sweet release of death

New York Giants at San Francisco 49ers (-3)

I’m officially back to being excited for this week. This is such an absurdly bad end to an absurdly bad week that I bet it’s gonna wind up being the most exciting game of the year. I mean, Nick Mullens is about to light the field on fire with the fastballs he’ll be zinging. Eli Manning will let his offensive line down by turtling at the first sign of pressure, causing Odell Beckham to finally commit the nation’s first justified and unpunished strangulation on the sidelines. Saquon Barkley will retire mid-game like Vontae Davis. Remember him? That was a fun story no one talks about anymore. Maybe it’s because the Bills are so depressing. The NFL season is so short but so long at the same time, which is a crazy paradox. Feels like a thousand years ago that Tyrod Taylor was the Browns starting QB and that people thought they had the best receiving corps in the league. Remember when Tyrod didn’t tell people they were pronouncing his name wrong for 50 years? Like, at that point your name is what everyone says it is, man. Sorry. If you want it pronounced right maybe, like, say something before you’ve been in the league forever. Tyrod saying we’ve been saying his name wrong is the polar opposite of Kesha dropping the $. Complete nomenclatural sabotage. Speaking of Kesha, her version of “This is Me” from the new Greatest Showman album is fire. Absolute heat. Panic! at the Disco’s “Greatest Show,” too. Do people actually like them again or is it just an ironic like because of the re-emergence of “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” as a meme? And how the hell is “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” buried on the third page of Panic! at the Disco’s video tab on Google search? Who the hell’s looking them up because they couldn’t get enough “Death of a Bachelor?” They have a decent “Bohemian Rhapsody” cover, though. Suicide Squad STUNK but it had a pretty solid soundtrack, honestly. Love me a self-serious Twenty One Pilots song. Sorry, Twenty Øne Piløts. I blame Prince (R.I.P.) for every musician and band needlessly inserting accent or weird characters into their names. Like, we get it guys. You’re really artsy and creative and we could never fully understand the complexities of your sound. Anyone with weird characters would always talk about their “sound.” Whatever, man, your second album was your best, anyway. Before you sold out like a coward. Nick Mullens would never sell out. That’s why he’s the GOAT.

Pick: 49ers