Category: Football

Monday Thoughts Week 9

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Huge week of games in the NFL. Divisions possibly decided, number one seeds on the line, legacies at stake, the whole thing. That means only one thing: time for another rote, meaningless edition of Monday Thoughts™. The best of both worlds.

  • This was arguably the best start of Nathan Peterman’s career. Only 3 picks on 49 attempts.
  • What did the Bears think up for the Bills?
  • Pretty strong showing by the AFC East in the Bears’ Twitter feed this year. Dolphins notwithstanding.
  • Bears have played four straight games against the AFC East. Why isn’t this a huge deal? This is such an absurd scheduling oddity. This never happens. I want to know the last time any team played four straight games against teams from the same division, even if they’re also in the division. It’s crazy that this happened. And no one cares.
  • This is just bad luck
  • But I guess it’s more unlucky being born Nathan Peterman.
  • Fitzmagic is dead for this season, but still a pretty electric game all around.
  • Panthers are addicted to running reverses because that’s the only trick play that existed when Norv Turner started his coaching career
  • Curtis Samuel might just be really good
  • Kind of weak this week, Cam.
  • Gregg Williams proved the h8trs wrong when, after being challenged on his “I’ve had 11 job offers,” quote he picked up shifts at Jo-Ann Fabrics and Five Guys during the week.
  • Kareem Hunt might be physically unstoppable.
  • Let’s keep it rolling, KC
  • Crazy that the Browns might wind up competing for the number one pick. They were off to their best start in years!
  • Assuming the Falcons haven’t already been eliminated from playoff contention, I think my big midseason prediction is that the Falcons will make at least the second round.
  • Redskins are so boring. So, so boring.
  • When Julio Jones scores a touchdown and breaks the greatest streak in sports history:
  • This is some Noel Divine speed:
  • Why hasn’t every human in history been named Ito Smith?
  • Just did the math and Sam Darnold and Brock Osweiler put up a combined QB rating of 47.6. This is very bad. This is the only time I’ll mention Jets-Dolphins.
  • I like that the Vikings add trees to their team GIFs
  • It’s a nice aesthetic.
  • When Adam Thielen doesn’t get 100 yards
  • Danielle Hunter is such a freak
  • This game was boring as hell, too. Maybe this week wasn’t really that huge.
  • I have sources on the ground confirming that no love was lost when the Steelers beat the Ravens.
  • I known I’ve gone on record about this before, but I hate huge beard guys. Get a real personality.
  • Eric Weddle shaved, if you didn’t know
  • Nothing like a good quick-kick-
  • James Conner is actually just one of the best backs in the league, now. Huh.
  • Jesse James’s life passed before his eyes when he almost dropped this-
  • Steelers have won four in a row. They still won’t beat the Pats in the playoffs, but they might not be as done as I proclaimed them to be earlier. Oh, well.
  • I don’t like Nick Vannett on the Seahawks. Every time I hear his name I assume it’s going to be Nick Van Exel and I’m disappointed every time.
  • I’ll be honest, I’m stunned the Seahawks lost their “first home game since the owner died” game. Don’t think it’s ever happened before.
  • People forget the Chargers’ owner died, too, though. Might have counteracted it.
  • Good celly, though
  • Might be the second worst interception of Russell Wilson’s career
  • Mike Williams has like, six catches this year and they’re all TDs
  • Wait, I’ve got a good one: When your pizza rolls are done
  • Texans-Broncos sucked.
  • I’m sick of the “In-com-plete” chant in Denver. It’s so dumb. You know Broncos fans think it’s so effective, too. Probably think that’s the sole reason they ever win any games. I mean, read this thread (I’ll never say that again, I promise). People actually think chanting incomplete gets under Tom Brady’s skin. Tom Brady! The most unflappable person in history gets upset when a bunch of dudes in John Elway jerseys yell incomplete. Suuuuuure. You got it, guys.
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, pt. 12948572345
  • The Rams-Saints game was technically the same sport as Jets-Dolphins.
  • Todd Gurley vs. Alvin Kamara was good

point attempt pats

  • Jack in the Box is just giving away food left and right
  • Crazy footwork
  • Cooper Kupp- Gritty. Sneaky athletic. Coach’s son
  • This two point conversion play will be Josh McDaniels’s lasting legacy in the NFL. Everyone’s running it
  • Michael Thomas is still good and back to getting over ten catches a game
  • Shoutout Joe Horn.
  • Also, this forever ruined the name Mike Thomas for me:
  • Also shoutout Mike Sims-Walker. Thought that guy would be in the Hall of Fame by now.
  • Yet another shoutout to the old white referee pants. Look so weird now that we have the modern black pants.
  • I think the last time the Patriots lost at home to an out of conference opponent as a six-point favorite the Delian League was just being formed.
  • Did you know Jimmy Graham played basketball in college?
  • Red Sox won the World Series
  • Love a good mid-range flea flicker
  • Trick plays that are completed but aren’t touchdowns are some of my favorite plays in football. Just kind of funnier than the ones that score.
  • Julian Edelman played QB in college. People forget that.
  • If Edelman goes backwards when the ball is snapped, maybe a double pass is coming? They’ve only run it a thousand times by now. NFL coaches are so stupid.
  • I’ll tell you what, the three headed running back collective of James White, Sony Michel, and Cordarrelle Patterson is going to cause a lot of problems for hapless AFC opponents.
  • I would die for James White. The list of athletes I would die for is reaching critical mass. The active list, for those curious, is now Tom Brady, James White, Danilo Gallinari, Joe Kelly, David Price, Dirk Nowitzki, Rob Gronkowski, Julian Edelman, and maybe Josh Gordon.
  • Speaking of Gordon-
  • Patriots are going to the Super Bowl again. Sorry, everyone.
  • Can’t wait for Titans-Cowboys!!!!

NFL Picks Week 9

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Hope everyone had a good Halloween. I know I did. Just the thought of Nick Mullens taking on the Oakland Raiders in prime time gave me more nightmares than any movie I’ve seen in the last ten years. Raiders are bad, Niners are bad, this game was bad. That’s my take on it. Although, I have to ask: does Nick Mullens make Jimmy G expendable? Makes you think. On to the real games.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens (-3)

Time to throw out those record books you’ve been keeping, because my sources are saying these two teams don’t like each other. It’s too early for the second Steelers-Ravens game, both in the year and in the day. You can’t have Steelers-Ravens in Baltimore at 1 o’clock. You just can’t, especially when we had Raiders-49ers last night and Titans-Cowboys on Monday night. This is a Ravens win, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. They’re coming off back-to-back losses and have looked bad doing so. As we all know, the Ravens are making at least the AFC Championship Game this year. That means they’ve got to win just enough big games to actually make the playoffs. They might win by 14+.

Pick: Ravens

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (-4.5)

Lions just traded Golden Tate and are probably thinking about waving the white flag. Vikings just got crushed at home by the Saints are entering a crucial part of their schedule that could effectively eliminate them from playoff contention if it goes poorly. This one could be blowout city.

Pick: Vikings

Atlanta Falcons at Washington Redskins (-1.5)

I just can’t do it. I can’t convince myself the Falcons are bad and the Redskins are good. It’s impossible for my brain to comprehend. Even if the Falcons blew their only shot at ever winning a Super Bowl by blowing a 25 point second half lead against the Patriots and the Redskins have a legitimately good defense, I can’t accept this reality. I’m sorry.

Pick: Falcons

Tampa Bay Bucs at Carolina Panthers (-6.5)

Fitzmagic round 2, baby! I’m worried we might be on the backside of the roller coaster this time around, but if anything, that’s when things become even more entertaining. I can smell at least one pick six coming, possibly two. Panthers might also just put up 700 yards this game and win by a thousand. Bucs STINK.

Pick: Panthers

Kanas City Chiefs (-9) at Cleveland Browns

Folks, it’s officially Gregg Williams time in Cleveland, and you know what that means. Oh, yeah, that’s right. You know. It’s Gregg Williams time, anything can happen. Yeah. You know what I kind of hate? Spelling Greg with two Gs at the end. Last time I checked, one G sufficed. Why do we need superfluous Gs? Who’s impressed by a Greg who spells it Gregg? I’m not. I don’t see someone with a second G and think he’s twice the man, or anything. Just seems unnecessary. Like Geoff. Just spell it Jeff like everyone else, dude. Tell me you don’t like my firm, tell me you don’t like my idea, tell me you don’t like my fuckin neck tie, but don’t tell me you need a second G at the end of Greg.

Pick: Chiefs

New York Jets at Miami Dolphins (-3)

Like, these teams are the Pats’ main competition in the AFC East. That’s easily the funniest part of the entire dynasty.

Pick: Jets

Chicago Bears (-10) at Buffalo Bills

If, for some reason, the Bills’ collective spirit wasn’t already broken, allowing the Patriots to cover a 14 point spread while the Pats played like dogshit and the Bills played a perfect game/first five plays probably did it. But hey, things are looking up! Nate Peterman’s dusting off his arm and getting ready to sling it around the yard. Nothing inspires the boys quite like the most important player on the field being one of the worst in history at the position. I feel bad for the good people of Orchard Park, but this is what you get when your team spends its entire budget on folding tables and RVs. Don’t come to me with buyer’s remorse when there’s more money put into the Lowe’s account than the offensive line.

Pick: Bears

Los Angeles Chargers at Seattle Seahawks (-1)

It’s impossible to do anything quietly in the NFL, but I feel like it’s under the radar that the Seahawks are….pretty good? They were left for dead after a clunky start, but they’re right back in the thick of the playoff hunt and have the number two defense in the league by DVOA. Russell Wilson has a career high in yards per attempt and passer rating, and isn’t even top three on the team in rushing. If you’ve been following the Seahawks for the last few years, that last stat is probably the best sign of all. Chargers are red hot, too, but I think I’m in on a post-Legion of Boom Seahawks resurgence. Chargers are L.A. soft, Seahawks by a million.

Pick: Seahawks

Houston Texans at Denver Broncos (Pick)

No one’s gone from totally dead to virtual playoff lock faster than the 2018 Houston Texans. That’s what five straight wins does for you when you’re in the AFC South. Broncos, on the other hand, are just dead. They stink. Denver’s always a tough place to play, especially if you’ve never gone there before, but still. Big time Demaryius Thomas revenge game incoming.

Pick: Texans

Los Angeles Rams (-1.5) at New Orleans Saints

I’ve got a gut feeling this is when the Rams pick up their first loss. Everyone is already looking forward to the Mexico City game against the Chiefs in a few weeks, but I like the Saints, here. It’s very rare, but I think this is a matchup of the two best teams in their respective franchises’ history (don’t @ me Marshall Faulk), and it’s the likely NFC Championship Game matchup. Big games in the Superdome just feel different. It’s the lighting, it’s the fans, it’s when the Saints score on their opening drive in four plays, it’s all of it. Might be close, but the Saints win.

Pick: Saints

Green Bay Packers at New England Patriots (-6)

You know what? I’m not scared of Aaron Rodgers. Not even a little bit. You know how not scared I am? This is my best bet of the week. Pats by a thousand. (This is a double reverse jinx attempt, let’s see how it goes!)

Pick: Pats

Tennessee Titans at Dallas Cowboys (-5.5)

There are people who are excited for this game. Someone out there considers attending this insult of a Monday Night game to be the highlight of their entire year. Think about that. Think about that while you’re watching the worst football game ever played.

Pick: Cowboys

Monday Thoughts, Week 8

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Halloween week in the NFL, and I’ll be honest- it was scary how stinky the games were. Early game stunk. One good 1 o’clock game. One good 4 o’clock game. Night game stunk but I was mostly just watching the Red Sox win the World Series again. But you know what a terrible group of games does? Makes Monday Thoughts™ a lot easier! Because when it’s a bunch of crappy games no one cares about, no notices if I give minimal effort only deliver medium-grade content instead of the typical elite level. Mediocrity, it’s perfectly fine!

  • Jags are donzo, friends.
  • The Jags decided to go with the always fresh and enjoyable tactic of updating their Twitter name after every win, adding another U to #Duval (Jacksonville is in Duval County if, for some reason, you aren’t familiar with Florida counties). This probably seemed like a better idea in week 2
  • I don’t know if the Eagles are good again. Maybe win two in a row first. I do know that they’re real boring and only had one exciting play the entire game
  • This year’s London games…..not good.
  • Andy Reid’s cruelty to gamblers notwithstanding, the Chiefs offense is in full wagon mode
  • Do people really call Travis Kelce Zeus?
  • Alright, you know what my real Monday Thoughts™ are this week? These games SUCKED and all I care about is that the Red Sox won the World Series for the fourth time in the last 15 years.
  • Just gonna power through some Thoughts because of the immense civic duty I feel towards my followers.
  • Steelers, for some reason I’m not aware of, went with their block numbers from the 70s instead of the modern font they use today, and I think it was an improvement
  • Hue Jackson is the Thanos of terrible coaches and the Browns are his Infinity Gauntlet.
  • LIVE BREAKING NEWS: Hue Jackson fired. That’s what makes Monday Thoughts™ great.
  • Okay, there was one thing I cared about: Fitzmagic is back.
  • I love this man so much. The couple weeks on the bench was just what the doctor ordered to reset the Magic meter. They have no choice but to start him the rest of the season.
  • Jameis is AWFUL, but I’ll miss his funny picks
  • I’ve never seen a sadder QB
  • Long live Fitz (who cares if they lost)
  • What did the Bears cook up for the Jets?
  • Green Starscream? Are you serious? That’s WAY too cool for the Jets. I’d like to log a complaint.
  • I’d like it to be known that I’ve been right about the Ravens and Panthers every step of the way.
  • I know it was garbage time, but it’s funny how the Ravens offense woke up when they finally let Lamar Jackson actually play quarterback.
  • Absurdly hot jacket
  • This man will NEVER post unsolicited highlights from NFC divisional games, regardless of how many Odell highlights there are.
  • Have to wonder what Unwritten Rule Doug Baldwin broke to get a fastball off the knee
  • Fox switched Dean Blandino in for Mike Pereira as their in-game rules expert. I dislike this. Aside from Dean’s involvement in the sham that was Deflategate, he has the camera presence of a cardboard box. Dean Blandino is the name of a wrestling heel, not an NFL rules expert.
  • Raiders are dead.
  • Jaquiski Tartt has my favorite name in the NFL.
  • I feel so bad for Dick Stockton. Every week he’s assigned to the Ca******s and I’m worried it’s going to kill him.
  • A high snap is the perfect way for a CJ Beathard game to end.
  • Think the Cali Brah grounds crew got a little too high and got too much In-N-Out and forgot to finish the field in the Coliseum
  • R.I.P. anyone who had Rams and the over (me)
  • Packers might be back.
  • I think I was a little premature calling the Vikings the second best team in the NFC.
  • Adam Thielen is obviously gritty and sneaky athletic, but if you’re a hater who still thinks he’s not one of the three best receivers in the NFL I don’t really know what to tell you.
  • Vikings defense is good again, regardless of the fact they gave up 30. Kirk Cousins is shaky again.
  • I fully acknowledge this was the worst Monday Thoughts™. As I’ve said three times, now, I don’t really care. The Red Sox just won the World Series, after all.

NFL Week 8 Picks

Welcome to this edition of Tales from the Brian’s Den. This week is extra spooky, and, with Halloween only a few days away, many of these will have you questioning whether or not it’s worth it to go trick or treating. You never know what horrors await you outside your door. Then again, what horrors await you inside your door? Brock Osweiler already snuck into your home and played a night game, what could be coming once the dark magic is really in the air? That’s for you to find out, if you dare. Muahahahahahahaha. Happy Halloween, mortals.

Plz press play:

Philadelphia Eagles (-3.5) vs Jacksonville Jaguars in London

You hear Big Ben clang somewhere behind you. Midnight. Standing outside on this cold, foggy London night you wonder what reason your friend could possibly have for calling you at this late hour. You already banged the ornate knocker against the heavy door once, and are tempted to do so again. The fog has started playing tricks on your mind, and you’re sure you saw something scurry behind you on the cobblestone streets. You wish he’d answer the door soon. Finally, the door inches open.

“Come in, come in,” your friend says. “I’ve got to show you something I’ve been working on.”

Your friend is a scientist, and one that’s been condemned by the community for his….unorthodox experiments. The last time he called over this urgently, you had nightmares for three weeks. The house is strangely empty as you walk through.

“Where are the servants?” you ask.

No answer. You walk passed the drawing room, where you see broken chairs, overturned candles, and multiple bumps on the ground that could be bodies…

“What’s going on?” you ask. Still no answer.

Your friend opens the door to his lab. There are deeps gashes on the wall and broken glass on the floor. He runs to a small table and picks up a vial of glowing teal liquid.

“This is it,” he exclaims. “I’ve finally perfected my serum. The Order will have no choice but to accept me.”

“What is that?”

He downs the concoction and throws the vial to the ground, shattering it. He clutches his stomach in agony and his skin starts to churn. Concerned, you take a step forward, hoping to help in some way. When your friend rises, you’re frozen to the spot. He’s transformed. Blake Bortles now stands before you. The scream never leaves your throat.

Pick: Jags

Seattle Seahawks at Detroit Lions (-3.5)

I still remember the time the 2010 Ford Focus went crazy and started killing people left and right. Most people don’t believe it. After all, a car going on a killing spree is pretty hard to believe. I can’t say I know how it happened, but I just know it did. The papers blamed it on gang violence. Please. I saw that car. I saw the murderous intent in its headlights. No one was driving it, either. I saw it pin a woman against a brick wall and keep ramming her until she was broken in half. Then it ran over another man’s head. That car was evil, and it wasn’t until Aaron Rodgers’ Hail Mary against the Lions that its spirit was finally broken. That car was Detroit to the end.

Pick: Lions

Washington Redskins (-1) at New York Giants

*The insensitive and offensive story regarding Native American culture has been removed*

Pick: Redskins

Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs (-10)

Vance Joseph woke up in a cold sweat. Panting, he checked the clock. 3:17 am.

“Same dream, honey?” his wife asked, awoken by his screaming.

“Yeah,” he said. Same dream every night. It didn’t help that the media couldn’t stop talking about it. The Kansas City Slasher was on the lose, and he’s coming for you! Vance thought it was all a little overblown, but couldn’t help be a little worried. Rumor had it the Slasher loved claiming defensive minded football coaches as his victims.

“I need a glass of water,” Vance said, getting up. His wife said something, but he couldn’t make it out. He was still replaying the dream- the Slasher standing over his bed holding a knife.

He grabbed a glass and turned on the sink. He always thought his kitchen was a little too big, but he wouldn’t dare tell his wife. She loved hosting parties. He put his glass down and splashed some water on his face, hoping he could still get a few hours of sleep before going into the office. Suddenly, he heard movement behind him. Spinning around, he was face to face with another man.

“Hey, coach,” an absurdly gravelly voice said.

“Pat?” Vance asked, subtilely searching for a weapon with his hand. “You alright? Need me to call Andy?”

“Looking for this?” he asked, holding a large kitchen knife.

“Pat, listen, you don’t have-”

“I heard you thought you could stop us. That you thought you could stop Showtime.”

“I never said that, and you know it.”

“I wonder who they’ll replace you with,” Pat said. “Think Elway will step in? I think I’d like that.”

“Pat, wait,” Vance said as Pat inched closer. “Pat! Pat!”

Pick: Chiefs

Baltimore Ravens (-2) at Carolina Panthers

October 24, 1924

Our Amazon journey trudges on. I’m starting to think this quest to find the lost city of Passinterferencia is for naught. Still, our leader Flacco insists we keep going. He’s completely obsessed, and I worry he’ll sacrifice our entire party to satisfy his curiosity. I’m regretting leaving home.

October 25, 1924

Flacco has begun claiming he once lived in Passinterferencia. That his friend Lombardi is still there. He thinks this will be taken as proof enough that it exists. I take it proof he’s gone mad. I’m trying to take control of this expedition before all is lost.

October 27, 1924

After convincing the party to turn back, I fear I may have gotten us lost. Our guide, a native we picked up from a nearby village, is manic with fear. Apparently we’re approaching the cursed den of some ancient beast. I worry I may be the only one of us left to have kept his head.

October 28, 1924

Everyone is dead. Both my legs are gone, and I know I don’t have much time left before that creature comes to finish me off. The very gates of hell opened and spit out a massive, black, cat-like demon who started massacring our party. After every kill, it would taunt the remaining men by dabbing on us or miming ripping a shirt open as if to reveal a superhero outfit. Our guide was the only one spared, and he cursed me as he left, traumatized. This trip was a disaster. I doubt any soul will ever read this, but if you do- RUN AWAY!

Pick: Panthers

Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers (-8)

The Brown bloodline never stood a chance. That’s what Baker kept hearing growing up. As the last of the noble family, Baker was warned again and again to stay away from Pittsburgh. That everyone in his family was ripped apart by the metal monster that only has a taste for Browns. Well, Baker wanted to put that to the test. He packed his bag, remembering to grab his six-shooter, and hopped on I-76. He was going to kill this creature and avenge his family. Well, that’s what he said, anyway. I haven’t heard from him in three weeks.

Pick: Steelers

New York Jets at Chicago Bears (-7.5)

I’m sure none of you will believe me. You’ll just say I’m crazy. But I know what was written in that book, and I know what happened when I read those cursed words aloud.

I had been tracking the ancient tome for years. There was only one surviving copy, and the legends about it were as old as time itself. I only wanted it for the rarity. I was going to sell it again for massive profit. But when I took the book from the haggard old woman, my curiosity got the best of me. I had to read Monsters of the Midwaye Moste Evile.

I knew I had to try one of the spells. I had to see if the summonings worked. I gathered the required ingredients, drew the magic circle, lit the candles, and said the incantations. I figured nothing would happen. I’m sure the press said nothing happened. But I saw those spirits appear. I saw the murderous look in their eyes. I heard what they said.

“We’re hear to kill promising young QBs,” they kept repeating. Next thing I knew, they were gone. And Sam Darnold was dead. And no one suspected me in the slightest.

Pick: Bears

Tampa Bay Bucs at Cincinnati Bengals (-4.5)

Jameis couldn’t believe it. Pirate zombies. What a preposterous outbreak. While being quarterback of the Buccaneers gave him a small modicum of protection, he was still hiding. They had already killed a few of his teammates. Gripping the shotgun he had lifted purchased from Publix, he looked out the window. Nothing was stopping the slow, ambling march of the walking eye-patched corpses.

He heard glass break in another room. Panicking, he ran over. He was suddenly face to face with patient zero of the outbreak. The Captain, they were calling him. He had a huge beard, a tricorn hat, a baggy white shirt, and a crimson frock coat. An undead parrot was perched on his shoulder.

“He went to Harvard!” it squawked.

Jameis fired. Half the zombie’s body disintegrated, but it kept walking towards him.

“Ye can’t kill me, Jameis,” it said sadly. “Ye can never kill me.”

Jameis turned and ran as the Captain’s body regenerated.

Pick: Bucs

Indianapolis Colts (-3) at Oakland Raiders

“Step right up, my man,” the mysterious peddler said. “Take a gander at my wares. You won’t find rarer.”

The shop had popped up overnight about a week ago, and soon everyone in town was raving about it. Rare curiosities that happened to be exactly what everyone needed, all for no charge! One woman got a future Hall of Fame defensive end, one old man got the overhyped receiver he’d been craving. You had to check it out for yourself. No harm in looking, after all.

The store didn’t even have a name, but the owner certainly had a distinctive look. Barrel chested with a blond bowl cut, the man shook your hand vigorously as soon as you opened the door.

“Take a look at this one, man,” he said, holding up a mascara-eyed quarterback. “I like to call this guy the Sheriff, because he’s always in command out there.”

You pass. You need many things, but a QB who is hated in his own locker room isn’t one of them.

“No? Alright, how about this little guy,” it’s a safety that was drafted in the first round who hasn’t really done anything in the league. “I’ll tell you what, man, this guy here’s a real grinder.”

You pass again. You think it’s about time to leave this shop, because you’re starting to get an uneasy feeling. Something about this place seems off.

“Alright, man, I think I know exactly what you need,” he rummaged behind the counter and pulled out a bucket of Hooters’ wings and Coronas. “This right here, man. This is perfect for all your football watching needs.”

Without hesitating, you reach out and grab the bucket. You feel a shock, and the shopkeeper gets a devilish look in his eye.

“It’s yours, man. Free of charge.”

“Really?” you ask. “All of this for free?”

“Well, it doesn’t cost money,” he said with a laugh before ushering you out the door. “I’ll see you soon, man.”

You don’t know what he meant by that, but who cares? You got exactly what you needed.

Pick: Raiders

San Francisco 49ers (-1) at Arizona Cardinals

Just seeing this matchup was by far the scariest thing I’ve ever read.

Green Bay Packers at Los Angeles Rams (-9)

The meeting is in 15 minutes. Your lunch with your producer friend ran long, and all that time you had put aside to get from Nobu to the San Fernando Valley was dried up. Luckily, you just purchased one of the new self-driving smart cars everyone was raving about.

“Welcome, brah,” it would say every time the engine started. “You are currently 200 feet from In-N-Out. Would you like to swing through for a couple Double-Doubles?”

“No thanks, Tanner,” you said. “I’m in a hurry and need to get to my meeting with Rodrigo.”

“I gotchu, brah. Would you like to take the 412 up to Santa Monica or the 317 towards Culver City?”

“Just get me there ASAP, Tanner.”

“Right on.”

You zone out. These new cars are really amazing. They detect everything around them, and are undoubtedly better at driving than you ever were. Sure, it cost two years’ salary to buy, but it was worth it, especially if you were seen getting out of one.

This meeting is huge, you think. The script you’ve been developing could change your career forever. All those B-horror movies could finally lead to the big, prestigious films you’ve been dying to make. Rodrigo could make it all happen, but he hates tardiness.

You realize the car has stopped, and you look at the clock. Still three minutes to go, you’re in the clear! But when you look out the window, all you see are cars.

“Tanner, where are we?” you ask in a full panic.

“Sorry, brah, I might have miscalculated a bit. We’re on the 405 right now. Think we’re gonna be stuck here a while.”

The 405. In rush hour. On the one day you needed to be somewhere.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” you scream. But it’s lost under the sound of thousands of horns.

Pick: Rams

New Orleans Saints at Minnesota Vikings (Pick)

The snow was unbearable. Drew could handle the cold and the wind, but walking through the snow was the worst part.

He had managed to survive alone for two weeks after his hiking party was attacked by strange purple monsters. His friends Alvin, Mark, and Michael were slaughtered instantly, and his mentor Sean had died from his wounds soon after. Drew was wondering why he thought a bunch of Southern boys would enjoy a getaway to the frozen fields of Minnesota, but it was too late for regrets, now.

Staying warm was all he was concerned about, but he knew he was being followed, too. The same creatures that attacked the first time had finally found him.

Good, he thought. A fight would keep him warm, and if he died, at least he’d go down swinging. He had been sharpening sticks at night, but was unsure if they would penetrate the thick hides of the beasts. Guess he’d find out soon.

The snap of a branch told him they were upon him. They were vaguely humanoid, but bigger, faster, stronger. They had razor sharp claws and teeth, and had yellow manes. They circled around Drew.

“Alright, let’s do this,” Drew said. “This is for my friends!”

He threw one of the sticks at the nearest monster. He missed. The fight didn’t last long.

Pick: Vikings

New England Patriots (-14) at Buffalo Bills

The little town of Buffalo was quiet this morning. Young Josh went outside, looking for some other kids to play with, only to find the streets deserted.

“Where is everyone?” he asked his mother. She didn’t answer, only wept into a tissue.

“What’s wrong, mommy?” Still no answer.

“I’m sorry, son,” his father said, kneeling down and embracing him. “Tom Brady’s here. And he demands sacrifice.”

His father punched him in the gut, both knocking the wind out of him and knocking him unconscious. He put him into the back seat of his car and drove off towards the stadium, where the malevolent being awaited his yearly tribute.

Pick: Patriots

Monday Thoughts, Week 7

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Yesterday was Sunday. There were NFL games played. That means there are Monday Thoughts™ today. Follow? Good.

  • Titans played the Chargers in London at 9:30 am. I did not watch it. I forgot it was happening. The world keeps spinning.
  • Serious question: is Marcus Mariota the first Hawaiian to ever set foot in the UK?
  • Titans have good Twitter graphics
  • I would die for Mike Vrabel
  • Glad lifelong Chargers fan Michael Essien made it out to the game!
  • Tyrell Williams is officially hot
  • The fact that Marcus Mariota, the bastion of quarterback lower-mediocrity, had yet to throw a red zone interception in his career to this point is simply preposterous
  • How confused do you think the good people of London were when the Titans went for two at the end instead of tying the game? Why pass up the chance to get a result, am I right? Because soccer.
  • Going for two was the right decision, it was just a bad playcall. Chargers are considerably better than the Titans, going to overtime wouldn’t have changed that. Try to steal a win.
  • Bills-Colts was a football game played under NFL regulations. This is a fact.
  • Nathan Peterman warming up and not coming in is a crime against humanity.
  • Obligatory:
  • Browns should realistically be 1-1-5.
  • Myles Garrett is large
  • One day Jarvis Landry will be on a good team
  • I miss Fitzpatrick.
  • One of the most shocking field goals I’ve ever seen. Still can’t believe he made it
  • Some franchises are destined to have the worst kickers ever. Browns and Bucs are two of them.
  • You knew I was looking forward to this: what did the Bears’ Twitter account cook up for the Pats?
  • Revolutionary Ringwraith? I’m in. This should be the new logo, honestly. Way cooler than what they gave the Dolphins.
  • I don’t know when Mitch Trubisky became Mike Vick, but I didn’t appreciate it
  • The Cordarrelle Patterson experience:
  • Getting a punt blocked has to be the worst feeling in the world
  • Only the computer when you’re playing on All-Madden makes this pick:
  • Josh Gordon is the slowest fast person of all time
  • Pats get to play the Bills next week. This pleases me.
  • Did this Lions-Dolphins game actually happen? My sources are telling me it did, but I’m skeptical.
  • I guess this counts as evidence
  • Stafford went 18/22 and Kerryon Johnson had 158 yards? I said this in my picks, but if you’re the Dolphins how can you let a bunch of carpetbaggers from icy Detroit come into South Beach and dominate. What would Pitbull think?
  • So, like, are we sure the Eagles are still good? Are we positive Carson Wentz is the future of professional athletics?
  • Games like this are why I’ll always give Cam and the Panthers the benefit of the doubt. They’re just mentally tougher than 99% of the league. Unless there’s a lose ball with the Super Bowl on the line.
  • It seems bad that the Super Bowl champions lost a game when this was tweeted out:
  • Feel like no one runs reverses anymore. Everyone’s too concerned with the jet-sweep-flip-that-counts-as-a-pass now
  • This has to sting:
  • But, hey, the Eagles are having fun out there! That’s all that really matters, right Lane Johnson?
  • Speaking of teams that are definitely having fun, how about your AFC runners-up, the Jacksonville Jaguars? They’re definitely breaking through this year, I can feel it!
  • Jags D will get a lot of heat because they keep getting blown out, they should be one of the best units in the NFL, and they all hate each other and love talking about it, but this really wasn’t their fault. Holding a team to 20 points should be enough for a supposedly good team to win in 2018.
  • Who got beat on this play? I can’t tell
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, part 2,000,000
  • Is this good?
  • Jets are continuing an encouraging trend of teams wearing their Color Rush jerseys on days other than Thursday.Surprisingly, this lead to a blowout loss, not a win. I don’t get it, either.
  • Sam Darnold stinks again. It’s almost as if rookie QBs go through ups and downs, or something.
  • Adam Thielen’s just the best receiver in the league now
  • No one gets there earlier, leaves later, or has a coach-ier father.
  • This might be a storyline I’ve created in my mind, but people are sleeping on the Vikings because they stumbled out of the gate. They’re the second best team in the NFC.
  • One of these days, Joe Flacco’s gonna run a route on one of these Lamar Jackson plays.
  • Call me crazy, but wouldn’t it make more sense to, you know, take Flacco out of the game if you’re putting Lamar in? Wouldn’t you rather have another skill guy or another blocker or another anything over Flacco just standing on the side? What’s the point? To set up that trick play you’ve been waiting for? Flacco gives so little effort on these things that the second he exerts himself even a little the defense will know something’s about to happen. Just seems like a big waste of time.
  • But, hey, got a one yard TD so it’s all worth it!
  • Drew Brees 500 TDs
  • Nothing really happened in this game until, of course, Justin Tucker’s dramatic missed extra point
  • Payback for that kick he “made” against the Pats in 2012 that didn’t actually go in but John Harbaugh bullied the refs into calling good.
  • When someone tells you Carreras was actually the best of the Three Tenorsjustin-tucker-miss-832x447
  • Cowboys-Redskins sucked so I’ll give you the CliffsNotes version of every Cowboys division game ever: nothing happened and everyone hated it but it ended with some stupid, fake, overly minute, manufactured controversy that will be debated to no end, proving that the Agenda-Setting Theory is correct (it’s not often I can pull out something from my college education, so savor it).
  • Redskins 3rd-string tight end is named Jeremy Sprinkle. Making the NFL with the last name Sprinkle is one of the most impressive feats in the history of Western Civilization.
  • Rams-49ers was the least competitive non-Bills game of the year, but at least the jerseys looked good
  • Aaron Donald four sacks. GOAT
  • Todd Gurley has taken up permanent residence in the endzone
  • Over the last two seasons Gurley has 33 TDs. Julio Jones has 43 career TDs. Can Gurley’s two-season run eclipse Julio’s entire career? I’d say it will by week 12.
  • Now THAT was a Bengals prime time game.
  • Sick catch, though
  • Bengals also “forced” the worst throw of Mahomes’ career
  • Unfortunately Mason Screck had to be carted off with injury. He was the only fun thing remaining on the Bengals’ roster.
  • Get it? It’s an Office reference! They’re so rare online these days
  • Decent run
  • Big Macs for Sacks is the polar opposite of the Texans’ Jack in the Box promotion
  • Vintage Al
  • When you know the Halloween edition of NFL Picks is coming on Friday

NFL Week 7 Picks

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Man, what a great Thursday night game between two exciting, innovative teams who are surely to be right in the mix at the end of the season. Can’t believe what a privilege it is to watch two of the greatest offensive minds in the game go head-to-head in a high-stakes chess match. I’ll remember this one for a long time.

Hah! You thought I would devote precious hours of my life to watching Broncos vs. the Arizona Professional Football Team?

On to the real games.

Tennessee Titans vs Los Angeles Chargers (-7)

You know what I hate? “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon. Might be the worst song ever recorded. At the very least the most annoying. Song’s a piece of shit. I’m glad Kid Rock co-opted it for “All Summer Long.” You know what else I hate? Duran Duran. Can’t explain why, but if Van Halen didn’t exist they’d be my least favorite band of all time. Other than that, love England. Got yelled at by a Stonehenge staffer when I went. I was sitting on one of the stones and the guy told me to get off to preserve the ancient monument or something. I know it was just because he didn’t want me absorbing any of the mystic power that courses through the entire area. Too bad for him enough energy had already entered my bloodstream to fundamentally change me and give me supernatural abilities, which I use to correctly pick NFL games, like this one. This game’s in London, if you couldn’t tell, and it’s the first 9:30am game of the year. Couldn’t think of anything else I’d rather wake up to than Marcus Mariota going 9/15 for 108 yards and a pick. Gonna be electric. Still, Chargers stink going East (in my mind, at least), and Wembley is the Easternmost NFL stadium.

Pick: Titans

Buffalo Bills at Indianapolis Colts (-7.5)

Colts shouldn’t be favored by most high school teams by more than 4 points, so I have no idea what the hell this line is. I know it’s the Derek Anderson effect, but still. Bills D is somehow good enough to keep them from getting blown out by fellow bad teams. No game had a high range of watchability: if Peterman was starting, it would have been must watch. Since it’s Anderson? No thanks.

Pick: Bills

New England Patriots (-3) at Chicago Bears

I will pay Khalil Mack a substantial amount of money to sit this game out. Not that I’m worried he’ll ruin the Pats chances of winning, or anything. I just don’t want him anywhere near my 41-year-old QB. Pats by a million either way since the Bears D is highly overrated.

Pick: Pats

Carolina Panthers at Philadelphia Eagles (-5)

LOVE the Panthers. Love ’em. Eagles are coming off a big Thursday win and have a big game against the Jags in London next week. I know they’ve overlooked the Panthers because they’ve convinced themselves they’re back. Unfortunately for them, the rest of the league is not the NFC East. Panthers just shove the ball down your throat and grind out wins. When facing this same strategy earlier in the year, the Titans beat them in OT. The Panthers are better than the Titans.

Pick: Panthers

Detroit Lions (-3) at Miami Dolphins

I don’t like the Lions being favored in Miami. Just doesn’t sit right with me. Detroit and South Beach are as polar as polar opposites can get. Either team is a major fish out of water (pun NOT intended) in the other team’s house. The Lions are used to cold, snow, thick, square pizza, hot dogs with chili and mustard, and automobile factories. You put them in the middle of the 305 and expect them to win by more than 3? The culture shock alone will keep them under 21 points. The second Matt Stafford hears a note of Latin music and his hips start involuntarily moving he won’t know what to do. This has Dolphins blowout written all over it.

Pick: Dolphins

Minnesota Vikings (-3.5) at New York Jets

I’m officially on record saying the Vikings are Back. They just needed to get used to a new QB, sometimes it takes a few weeks. The defense is starting to play like we thought they would, but their run defense has been there all year. The Jets are only good when they can run the ball at will. Not that hard to figure out.

Pick: Vikings

Cleveland Browns at Tampa Bay Bucs (-3.5)

All I know about this game is that there’s going to be 10,000 turnovers, most of them very funny. Because Jameis throws the funniest picks this side of Buffalo and Baker sneaky just throws the ball straight to the other team a lot. Still, the Bucs play defense the same way I go to the gym: we just don’t. The Browns of the past would roll over and die after getting dominated last week. But these are the New Browns, who keep fighting no matter what. These Browns have the ball in the red zone with 30 seconds left, down 27-23. They still lose, though.

Pick: Bucs

Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars (-5)

I grow tired of the Jags. They only play well when they feel the other team is worthy of their effort, and, apparently, the Pats are they only team they’ve given that distinction. Now, they’re not the first team to be completely obsessed with beating the Pats (they may be the last, though. Sigh), but they way they just dismiss every other team in the league and don’t bother showing up 90% of the time annoys me. I can do that. I’ve been there for five titles. I’ve won. The Jags have made two AFC championship games in their history, winning neither, and are acting like million time champs. Don’t become the Wizards of the NFL, guys. I can already tell the team hates each other. Calais Campbell seemingly spends half of every game trying to assuage the various personalities who are upset that someone else on the team isn’t as perfect as they are. Meanwhile, the Texans are kinda, sorta good, now. If they had a competent coach, they might even be actually good. I think the Texans win this handily as the Jags predictable spiral continues.

Pick: Texans

New Orleans Saints at Baltimore Ravens (-2.5)

I think this is the first Ravens game I’m legitimately excited for since the last time they played the Pats in the playoffs. Kind of crazy stat: this is the 23rd season in Ravens history. They’ve finished outside the top ten in total defense seven times, and three of those times were the team’s first three seasons. Thus far, they rank first in total defense and first in points allowed. This would also be the highest they’ve ranked in total yards since Vinny Testaverde was under center. What I’m saying is that the Ravens are the only AFC team I’m scared of in the playoffs and that I wouldn’t be very surprised if they won the Super Bowl. That being said, they can’t enter the playoffs with too many wins. Coming off a shutout victory, this is exactly the kind of game where Flacco looks like the worst person to ever attempt a forward pass and everything goes wrong. Got to throw people off the scent, a little.

Pick: Saints

Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins (-2)

I bet you’re thinking I’m gonna have another snarky comment about the NFL forcing boring-ass NFC East matchups down our throats in national 4:25/prime time spots. I’m offended you would think so low of me. Everyone knows how much I love watching Dak Prescott and Alex Smith!

(The NFL has my family. They’ve threatened to kill them if I say how much I hate NFC East games one more time. I know this is going to be the worst game of all time, but, please, think of my family! You have to say how much you love NFC East division games being shown on national TV!)

Pick: Cowboys

Los Angeles Rams (-10) at San Francisco 49ers

Pick: Rams

Cincinnati Bengals at Kansas City Chiefs (-6)

The formula is pretty simple, here: Bengals at night vs. the best offense in the league looking to come back with a vengeance after their first loss. Chiefs might have 42 at the half.

Pick: Chiefs

New York Giants at Atlanta Falcons (-5)

I’ve got a feeling this is the week Jason Witten and Booger McFarland finally have a fist fight in the post-game meeting. The animosity is too intense not to boil over at some point. Also, I usually hate “this-announcer-sucks” guy because almost every announcer is perfectly fine and getting upset at the announcer is just a defense mechanism used to deny the fact that the team you root for is actually terrible and you’re a moron for choosing them, but Jason Witten STINKS. Everything he says is the most obvious, rote cliche in history, and he has the camera presence of an empty chair. Jason Witten grade: D-. Giants in prime time grade: D-. Falcons in prime time grade: C-. Falcons would have a higher grade, but I just keep thinking of when they were on prime time and blew a 25 point third quarter lead against the Patriots. I think it was in the Super Bowl, too.

Pick: Falcons

Monday Thoughts Week 6

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The sixth Sunday of the NFL season is in the books, and, I don’t know about you, but this one played with my emotions a little too much for my taste. I mean, to go from an electrifying Witching Hour on Red Zone directly into the three most boring late games in NFL history was just brutal. But that’s just the price you have to pay to get a million exciting finishes. The bill always comes, and I’ll gladly pay the piper when it comes to the NFL. Because I’m a sucker. This is Monday Thoughts™.

  • Can I start declining the free football the NFL is offering? Because I absolutely did not need more Bears-Dolphins.
  • Let’s check in on the Bears Twitter graphics:
  • Pretty messed up looking Dolphin.
  • Tarik Cohen is like if Darren Sproles was 5’8″
  • I guess I somehow missed that Ryan Tannehill was hurt and Brocktober was making a surprise cameo. That’s on me for not keeping up on my Dolphins news.
  • Nice D, fellas!
  • Felt like the Bears were up like 40 all game but then they lost. That’s football, Suzyn.
  • Live look at Sunday night in the Brian’s Den:
  • Memes, amirite?
  • Josh Allen gets knocked out, which means it’s Peterman time!
  • Wait, what?
  • That’s more like it.
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, pt. 100
  • I like how the Bucs are just the 2010-2016 Saints now. Explosive yet flawed offense with the worst defense ever put on an NFL field. It’s nice having teams like that in the league.
  • There goes Julio Jones, scoring at will again.
  • What’s that? That wasn’t Julio and Julio doesn’t have a touchdown this year? Yeah, okay.
  • This is every single Jameis Winston pick
  • “Alright gang, we’ve got Mike Evans and two good tight ends, one of whom went to Harvard, and we need a TD. Anyone got any ideas?” “I got it, coach”
  • Think I’m just gonna pull a pretentious sportswriter move and just start referring to them as the Arizona professional football team because everything about them offends me. I used to draw bullshit formations and plays in high school that I know were better than what Steve Wilks calls on a weekly basis. Josh Rosen’s career is already wasted.
  • That being said, I think the Vikings are back.
  • Antoine Bethea is somehow still in the league but probably won’t be for much longer after this:
  • Maximum scrappiness
  • When the young kids say you’re not cool but you know you have “swagger” and “drip”kxtcfkh
  • Folks, the Browns are officially BACK.
  • Melvin Gordon lives in the end zone.
  • Decent game from Ty Williams
  • Colts-Jets turning into a shootout was unexpected, especially when the Jets came out wearing gray facemasks to honor the Super Bowl III team or something:I hated them at first, but it kind of grew on me. Still not as good as the green.
  • I hate on Andrew Luck a lot (and honestly, even if every interception he’s ever thrown gets deflected ten times there’s a reason they keep getting deflected), but tough to succeed when this happens:
  • I know there were 78 combined points in this game but nothing happened. I just don’t care about the Jets or Colts. Sorry.
  • Not really, though.
  • Sick TD, but the Panthers need to burn this jersey combination
  • One of the most impressive runs of his career because doing anything with only one shoe on is impossible
  • Redskins are so boring. I just don’t care about them, either. Sorry.
  • Not really, though.
  • Let’s check in on how the Raiders’ season is going:
  • Not great
  • Hmmmm
  • Yikes!
  • I’ve been sitting on this for most of my football-watching life, but I have to get it off my chest: I hate safeties. Hate them passionately. One decapitated Amari Cooper for no reason, one cheap-shotted Jameis for no reason, and Darian Stewart could have ended Cooper Kupp’s season with the most egregious horsecollar tackle since the one that broke T.O.’s leg then acted like a martyr when it was flagged. Like, why? What do you gain from being a dirty piece of shit? What pleasure do you get from drawing a 15-yard penalty every play? Is it fun injuring people? If I was a ref I’d preemptively eject every safety before the game started. I mean some of these guys make Vontaze Burfict look like Ned Flanders. If the NFL actually cared about player safety they’d start kicking guys out of the league. End of rant.
  • Lifelong Raiders fan Sami Khedira has to be sick to his stomach over this one
  • Wonder if Russell Wilson’s concussion water sells well in England.
  • Can’t believe the Bengals blew an opportunity to seize control of the AFC North by losing to Steelers. First time it’s ever happened.
  • Man, the Steelers have arguably the best receiver in the league and they love giving him the ball
  • Exclusive look at Antonio Brown every time JuJu does anything
  • Antonio Brown has actually released a statement regarding the fact that someone on the Steelers not named Antonio Brown was given multiple targets in a single game:
  • Yeah, he caught the game-winning TD (offensive pass interference notwithstanding) but it’s more fun to think of him as an angry child who throws a tantrum every time someone else on his team gets to be the star. A real stretch, I know.
  • Broncos have to jump to the front of the climate change committee, because a legit snow game was their only chance of beating those pansy-ass surfer bros from L.A.
  • Broncos stink but at least Bradley Chubb is good
  • Definitely didn’t need a QB with that fifth pick! Especially with that Swag Kelly cameo before halftime.
  • R.I.P. people of Los Angeles
  • The Rams being sponsored by Jack in the Box and not In-n-Out is a massive red flag. I thought they were supposed to be the cool L.A. team? The high powered, high octane, flashy squad that lights up the record books but doesn’t really even care about it, brah, they’re just trying to catch some waves. Need that In-n-Out partnership to complete the look. Zero chance they make the Super Bowl, now.
  • I’d imagine this is the standard reaction when Aaron Donald is sprinting at you:
  • Todd Gurley is ridiculous good. Just had to say that.
  • Recap of Jags-Cowboys and Ravens-Titans:giphy
  • So apparently McDonald’s is now using Bad Luck Brian in a new ad for Monopoly their Trick. Treat. Win! campaign
  • As an actual Brian, this upsets me. My culture is not your prom dress meme, dammit! The early 2010s were brutal for Brians everywhere because of this meme (not really, but just go with it). I don’t want to be reminded of this dumb Internet fad by my favorite fast food establishment. It’s insulting. Give me Scumbag Steve, instead. At least that one was funny.
  • It’s crazy to think about the difference in meme longevity between now and the early days of meme culture. Bad Luck Brian was relevant for years. Years! Nowadays the latest Spongebob meme lasts three days before it’s completely killed off. I miss the old days.
  • The only thing that surprised me about Chiefs-Pats is that the Pats didn’t cover. It got a little hairy, but the Chiefs were never, at any point, going to win.
  • Gronk is just a dog, part 109412305364
  • Crazy highlight dump
  • Good news: Big Macs for sacks is BACK
  • Why I love the Internet: while looking for Devin/Jason McCourty highlights stumbling on this video
  • Rutgers-UConn 2009 full game. Just what I needed. Reminds me of the one time UConn football wasn’t a complete joke (I started at UConn in 2010, and the basketball team won the National Championship the following spring, then they won again in 2014. Don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before). Good times.
  • This week was awesome. Can’t wait to cap it off with a great Monday night game! CJ Beathard in prime time, baby! Let’s goooooo!

NFL Week 6 Picks

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Jean-Paul Satre famously wrote in his 1944 play No Exit (or Huis Clos for cultured readers) “Hell is other people.” For me, Hell is NFC East division games. They’re always forced down our throats and they’re always boring as shit. The Giants have Odell Beckham and Saquon Barkley and somehow aren’t fun to watch. Think about that for a second. How is it possible to have two of the most explosive players in the league and not be exciting? For starters, if Eli Manning were a steak he’d be approaching shoe leather-levels of doneness. He’s awful. If it weren’t for his brother’s final go, this might be the worst season ever turned in by a future Hall of Famer. Obviously the dreadful o-line doesn’t help. Nor does the porous defense. I guess what I’m saying is that the Giants stink. I bet they wouldn’t stink if they stuck to their Color Rush/throwback jersey template. They look so much better with the white facemask/white pants/Giants on the helmet instead of NY combo. Enough of boring old gray. You’re the New York Giants! Stop looking like a high school team! People will say this means the Eagles are back (and they probably are), but I think the G-Men are just that bad.

We’re starting to reach that part of the season where every game looks terrible on paper, which is always a good time. Just lowers expectations, really. We’ve even got our first London game of the year! This one features two bad teams no one wants to watch! It’s all about growing the game.

Seattle Seahawks (-3) vs Oakland Raiders (London)

Me mate Jon Gruden’s been cheesed off about ‘is side’s lack of pressure, but facin’ the worst offensive line since the Spanish Inquisition should ‘elp remedy the problem. Seattle are tryin’ their ‘ardest to cock up Russell Wilson’s prime by surroundin’ ‘im wif utter crap. Methinks Pete Carroll lost the plot this past September 11th anniversary, and ‘e’s been researchin’ dodgy store-brand jet fuel burn temperatures instead of buildin’ a quality group of lads around ‘is talisman. If only this game was earlier to give it some novelty, because this is goin’ to be total bollocks. First one to 21 wins.

Pick: Raiders

Buffalo Bills at Houston Texans (-10)

I was about to say this game might be sneaky entertaining, but then I sadly realized I wasn’t living in the fantasy world I created as a lonely youth. Bills stink, Texans are….hot? Two straight wins immediately puts you among the contenders in the AFC, regardless of how bad you’ve been the rest of the year. It seems preposterous that the Texans could be favored by 10 against anyone, but they’re only favored by 10 because they’re going to win by 24.

Pick: Texans

Chicago Bears (-3.5) at Miami Dolphins

Khalil Mack may score five touchdowns this game. At the very least, he’ll have Ryan Tannehill begging for mercy and waving the white flag. But, hey, this is the Dolphins’ year to win the division.

Pick: Bears

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals (-2)

This is a new scenario I’m going to lay out for you: the Bengals, the Cincinnati Bengals, mind you, look good. They’re 4-1. They’re about to take the leap into the league’s truly elite. They’re ready to finally make some noise in the postseason. All they have to do is beat the Steelers! It’s easy!

Pick: Steelers

Indianapolis Colts at New York Jets (-2.5)

I’m worried about the fact that I think the Jets are going to dominate. It’s like thinking the sun isn’t going to rise in the morning. It’s just not where you want to be.

Pick: Colts

Carolina Panthers at Washington Redskins (-1)

Your weekly “it’ll never be shown on RedZone so did it even happen?” game. This thing’s gonna stink. I always find myself giving the Panthers the benefit of the doubt, though.

Pick: Panthers

Arizona Ca******s at Minnesota Vikings (-10.5)

Went and got some new jeans yesterday. Think they make my butt look nice. I expect to get a lot of sultry looks when I wear them out on the town. It’ll be a good boost to the ol’ self-confidence. Things are looking up!

Pick: Vikings

Los Angeles Chargers (-1.5) at Cleveland Browns

This is like a battle between gods, only instead of controlling elements or cosmic forces, their domain is finding weird ways to lose football games. A missed extra point? A last second turnover? Terrible coaching? All of these and more? What absurd event will completely cripple the losing team? Will there be a losing team? Browns D is legitimately good, but Baker is still in that “wacky rookie gunslinging QB” phase where literally anything can happen, so I know neither team runs away with it. Let’s get another tie!

Pick: Browns

Tampa Bay Bucs at Atlanta Falcons (-3)

I don’t know about the Falcons, man. They’re too good to totally suck, but they totally suck. Jameis is godawful and I’m not totally sure why he’s still included in the Bucs’ longterm plans, but the Falcons have the second worst defense of all time, behind only the Bucs. Falcons might score 70 points, but they might give up 71. The only thing I know about the Falcons is that they were up by 25 points in the third quarter against the Patriots in the Super Bowl and still lost and still haven’t recovered.

Pick: Falcons

Los Angeles Rams (-7) at Denver Broncos

Broncos are bad. Rams are good. Don’t overthink it.

Pick: Rams

Jacksonville Jaguars (-3) at Dallas Cowboys

Wait, the Cowboys are in the national 4:25 game, forcing everyone to watch them and talk about them, thus perpetuating the myth that they’re relevant??????? Huh?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Say it ain’t so.

Pick: Jags

Baltimore Ravens (-3) at Tennessee Titans

I’ve bragged about my ability to correctly predict this Ravens season. This is going to be put to the test against the Titans, the team I can’t figure out for the life of me. Actually, scratch that. I do know the Titans. They stink they’re just ridiculously lucky. Well guess what? No one is luckier than the Joe Flacco Ravens in the history of the NFL. Tough to win when the other team has your greatest strength beat.

Pick: Ravens

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots (-3)

Folks, get ready to roll you eyes- I see no scenario in which the Pats lose this game. This is all about haves and have-nots. The Chiefs start red hot every year. Every season someone comes along threatening to reinvent the game and shake the very foundation of the NFL. And every year, some hotshot team thinks they’ve got the Super Bowl wrapped up when they come to Gillette Stadium for a Sunday night game. Every year, things don’t go the way they think it will. Welcome to the Chiefs’ Letterman Jacket game. The Mahomes run is dead. Long live Mahomes.

Pick: Pats

San Francisco 49ers at Green Bay Packers (-9.5)

Dear God, why?

Pick: Packers

Monday Thoughts, Week 5

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When people ask me why I love the NFL so much (literally never happened, but go with me), I tell them about Sundays like this. On paper, it was the worst collection of professional football games in history. Only one game I had any interest in watching. The Cowboys in primetime again. Long, boring Sunday incoming. Or so I thought. What resulted was a crazy, wacky, unpredictable slate of games that gave us some truly, truly funny moments. The Cowboys still put me to sleep, though. This is Monday Thoughts™ week 5.

  • Folks, I’ve got some bad news for the rest of the league: the Super Bowl Champion Jets are Back
  • Guy can go 10/22 and get a three and a half minute best throw montage. Only the Jets!
  • Arguably the most Jets play of all time. Honestly would have been more disappointing if he went all the way
  • Think it might be time to break out this old favorite in the Mile High City
  • Need to address this gif of everyone’s favorite receiver Courtland Sutton:
  • You can’t be a non-white professional athlete and be this bad of a dancer. I could do this motion more fluidly. Clean it up.
  • I love the Dolphins so much. Everything’s going so great for them until they play the Patriots, and now they fold at the slightest hint of adversity. Blowing a 17-0 lead to the Bengals??? Yikes. Couldn’t be my AFC East leader.
  • Long live Ryan Tannehill
  • I’ll say it: I’m sick of James Conner’s hair. It was a funny oddity in week 1. It’s a nuisance in week 5.
  • This might be my favorite throw of all time. Big Ben doesn’t know the meaning of the words “throw it away”
  • Someone alert the authorities. Juju is appropriating mom culture:
  • I know for a FACT Antonio Brown would be sick to his stomach if the young, talented hotshot receiver who’s putting up better numbers than him got in trouble with the Internet police. He’d lose sleep for weeks if the man who he’s certainly taken under his wing was distracted and had to issue countless apologies and missed a game or two.
  • Falcons are as toast as toast can get. Remember when they were up 28-3 in the third quarter of the Super Bowl a few years ago and lost? Crazy.
  • Giants-Panthers somehow became the craziest game of the day, and it’s still not as crazy as this deal from Bojangles
  • Mmmmmm
  • Just gonna dump all these TDs here, but assume all of them are preceded by a sarcastic “Nice defense, fellas!”
  • 63 yard field goal to win at the buzzer. 63 yard field goal made in 2018! I couldn’t believe it.
  • I need this overcoat/robe
  • Wait…you’re allowed to intercept Pat Mahomes passes?
  • The fact that He is fallible makes Him that much easier to worship and give praise.
  • This was a shit-pumping of the highest order. Can’t win when you’re dealing with the Bad Bortles Games. Makes me wonder how the Pats couldn’t exploit the same weaknesses the Chiefs “defense” did.
  • Whoops! Wrong Chris Jones clip
  • That’s more like it.
  • Not ideal
  • There’s something really funny to me about making your injury update graphic really loud and vibrant
  • Chiefs winning against the best defense in the league when Mahomes has zero TD passes and two picks should make 14 of the other 15 AFC teams very nervous. The other team will beat them next Sunday night.
  • Mason Crosby out here putting on for everyone that’s ever had one of the worst days in the history of their chosen profession. Five missed kicks! And they kept throwing him out there!
  • How about your boy Chris Bahr? Talk about job security.
  • Equanimeous St. Brown supposedly had three catches for 89 yards for the Packers. I say supposedly because I refuse to believe this is a real person.
  • Definition of a “Retire Bitch” stiffarm
  • This game was kind of boring but I’m glad the Packers lost because every Packers loss gets Aaron Rodgers increasingly angry with Mike McCarthy who then has to bend over backwards to appease him.
  • Alright, as exciting as it is that the Browns won a game on a Sunday, forgive me if I don’t dwell on a 12-9 overtime game for too long.
  • Still, this was the only way the Browns streak could end:
  • Browns Color Rush jerseys are truly elite.
  • Anyone who can explain this Titans season to me please step forward. No one?
  • Listen, I’ve obviously been skeptical of Josh Allen since day one and am on the record saying I think he’s gonna stink. But I didn’t think it’d be so boring. Aside from some electric runs there’s been nothing. The bad has just been bad, not funny or anything. It’s a real bummer.
  • My favorite part of Twitter is when the official accounts of the worst teams in the league tries to dunk on everyone who picked them to lose as if there was any reason to expect them to win another game any time within the next three seasons.
  • The Bills might be the worst 2-3 team of all time and the Titans might be the worst 3-2 team of all time and you could tell me any number of combined wins they’ll finish with and I’d believe it.
  • If I didn’t get an involuntary erection every time the Chargers went Powder Blue I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you Raiders-Chargers even happened.
  • Phil Rivers has never posed for a picture in his life
  • I don’t think Austin Ekeler has ever touched the ball and not scored a TD
  • Derek Carr with the worst pick these eyes have ever seen
  • Marshawn was predictably upset he didn’t get the ball at the one. I hope the Raiders give him the ball the next 50 times they’re in the red zone and I hope he never scores just to put this stupid trope to bed.
  • Despite only getting 220 yards of offense, the team from Arizona scored 28 points. In response to this, I have decided to un-censor one letter of their name. They are now the Ca******s. Congratulations.
  • Considering Dunkin gets worse the farther away from New England you get, I have to imagine no one in Arizona even wanted this to happen
  • Enough Arizona talk. Feel like I need a shower.
  • You know how I know the Rams are good? In one of their ugly, grind it out, war of attrition games everyone goes through they still scored 33 points.
  • Imagine hanging out with these two?
  • You’d smell like sausage for a week afterwards. Not that that’s a bad thing.
  • Somewhat lost in the Mahomes hype is the fact that Jared Goff leads the league in passing yards and passer rating and is second in completion percentage. If he had a better last name we’d realize he’s probably going to win MVP.
  • I know they’re getting a full redesign next year, but the Rams being stuck with these boring blue and white jerseys is a real bummer. This is the high-flying team from Hollywood! They can’t be looking drab! As usual, NFL uniform rule nuance is to blame. You can only wear throwbacks twice a year for some unknown reason. Really doing God’s work, Roger.
  • Marcus Peters might stink
  • Gotta fake an injury or something, dude.
  • So are the Eagles bad now? They shouldn’t be bad but they might be bad. Time for a quarterback change?
  • I think the Vikings are back but I’m not ready to commit either way yet.
  • Adam Thielen: gritty
  • Sneaky athletic
  • Coach’s son
  • So the thing that got me all fired up in this game was when the Eagles went for 2 when they scored a touchdown to narrow the deficit to 20-12. Yes, they converted, but why? What’s the point? Doug Pederson is clearly addicted to being called the most aggressive coach. I get it. It can be a rush to have people talk about you in such glowing terms. But use your brain, man. You don’t have to go for it in every single situation ever. You can still be considered aggressive if you punt on 4th & 12.
  • GIVE ME MORE DEFENSIVE TACKLE TOUCHDOWNS
  • Did you know they liked football in Texas? I didn’t until last night’s broadcast informed me a hundred times.
  • ATTN: All executives that still think putting the Cowboys on National TV is good-
  • This game was the ultimate “fake drama Cowboys primetime game” that gets everyone thinking the Cowboys play entertaining games. Just because a game has a close finish doesn’t make it good. That game was awful.
  • When you know you produce the best NFL content on Earth but you had to watch Cowboys-Texans go to overtime to do itnspb7vnzqijibyg7ebnn

NFL Week 5 Picks

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Ho-hum. Another week, another team participating in voluntary Color Rush dominating. I, for one, can’t believe it. Who would have thought that wearing superior jerseys would allow teams to play better? Not I, that’s for sure. Surprised the NFL allowed the Pats to wear them, honestly. Because now they’re rolling. Julian Edelman is back, Gronk is back, Josh Gordon is about to take off, they have the best running back duo in the NFL, the defense is still bad but whatever, the good Pats are back. Can’t believe that, either.

I know I’ve been Andrew Luck Stinks guy, but man, he’s got absolutely no one out there. Throwing to Chester Rogers and Zach Pascal with the worst offensive line these eyes have ever seen. Tough to win like that. But yeah, the Colts are definitely the Pats’ rival. On the the rest of week 5.

Atlanta Falcons at Pittsburgh Steelers (-3)

I clearly need to change my viewpoint on the Falcons. Until now, I had been thinking of them as a normal team with a lot of talent and not as one that suffered the worst loss in the history of pro sports when they blew a 28-3 third quarter lead against the Patriots in the Super Bowl two years ago. That changes now. Imagine putting on the pads and getting taped up and taking painkillers getting fired up to play some NFL defense, then remembering you didn’t ask Tom Brady’s permission to play this game and now you’re worried if he might get mad at you later. It’s gotta be tough. If the Falcons didn’t even field a defense I think they’d have a better chance of winning games. With Le’veon Bell hinting he’ll try and return in week 7, the Steel Curtain’s Impending Drama powers will activate. Steelers will win BIG. They’re still terrible, though.

Pick: Steelers

Green Bay Packers (-1) at Detroit Lions

Aaron Rodgers has played 16 games against the Lions in his career. A full season, if you will. He’s gone 13-3 with 4,058 yards, 34-6 TD-INT, and a passer rating of 109.4. For context, Rodgers’ career passer rating is 103.6, which is the highest in NFL history. The Lions are “holding” opposing QBs to a 104.3 passer rating. You do the math.

Pick: Packers

New York Giants at Carolina Panthers (-6)

If possible, I would advise against watching more of this game than you have to. Panthers love to grind out games because it works, and the Giants have no choice but to grind out games since they’re so bad. Panthers are just better. If they score 24 points it’s over.

Pick: Panthers

Denver Broncos at New York Jets (Pick)

This makes absolutely no sense to me. The Jets are HORRIBLE. They might be the worst team in the AFC East, which is saying something. And this is despite winning the Super Bowl in week 1! It’s crazy how far they’ve fallen (except they’re the Jets so it’s not that crazy at all). No, Case Keenum hasn’t caught the same lightning in a bottle he had last season. But he hasn’t been that bad, and I’m not sure the Jets score a single point this game. This is so obvious it has me thinking I’m wrong, but we all know that never happens.

Pick: Broncos

Baltimore Ravens (-3) at Cleveland Browns

Did you know the Ravens are currently second in the league in defensive DVOA? And that the Browns are fourth? Well now you do. What I’m saying is take the under, because this one’s going to be ugly. I’m curious how the Browns will find a way to lose/tie, but one thing I already know is that they’ll cover. They’re 3-1 ATS year. Ride it until further notice.

Pick: Browns

Miami Dolphins at Cincinatti Bengals (-5.5)

Damn, can’t believe the Dolphins weren’t actually for real. Never saw it coming. Now we just need to wait for the Bengals “Damn, can’t believe they weren’t actually for real,” moment. Don’t worry, though. It’s not coming this week.

Pick: Bengals

Jacksonville Jaguars at Kansas City Chiefs (-3)

Yuge game. Yuuuuuuuge. God Mahomes shredded the Broncos in Mile High in his *worst* game of the season, and now he gets to face the best defense in the NFL. For the sake of sanity and reason, many people are hoping this is the game where throwing touchdowns in NFL isn’t easier than waking up in the morning for him. I mean, he can’t always be this good, can he? I’m here to tell you that yes, he can. He’s a stud, and studs play their best when facing other studs, and the Jags have eleven that are gonna be trying to kill him. The only thing is, playing well against the Jags is different than playing well against everyone else. And the Chiefs play defense in the most theoretical sense possible. You know who dominates bad defenses? Blake Bortles, who has baffled the haters with his solid play this year. Maybe I’m just hoping the Jags keep beating good teams so the Pats look better, but I don’t think the Chiefs win this one.

Pick: Jags

Tennessee Titans (-5) at Buffalo Bills

Only being favored by five against the Bills is as insulting as insulting gets. Mike Vrabel’s 3-1, for crying out loud! Call me when the Bills win three games. I’ll be waiting in 2019.

Pick: Titans

Oakland Raiders at Los Angeles Chargers (-4.5)

Did you know the Raiders used to have Khalil Mack? Jon Gruden apparently doesn’t, because he can’t stop hinting at how badly they’d like him. He also can’t stop shredding the GM publicly. Good sign! Chargers by a million.

Pick: Chargers

Los Angeles Rams (-7.5) at Seattle Seahawks

Seahawks look bad, man. Like, real bad. And they just lost their best defensive player. I feel bad for all those 12s who discovered football existed in 2012, because I don’t think they’ll know how to handle a bad Seahawks team. Considering there’s a decent chance we’ll be talking about this Rams team for many years to come, I’d be surprised if the score was within 35.

Pick: Rams

Minnesota Vikings at Philadelphia Eagles (-3)

So I guess the Vikings defense just stinks now? They’re giving up a 105.9 quarterback rating. That’s bad, if you didn’t know. Very bad. Eagles really should be 4-0 right now, and have, at times, looked every bit the defending champions. The only thing the Vikings have going for them is Kirk Cousins’s familiarity with the Eagles and the fact that it can’t possibly get worse. Those are two bad things to rely on.

Pick: Eagles

Arizona C*******s at San Francisco 49ers (-4)

Folks, I have some bad news. In the flurry of moving to a new city and getting familiar with my surroundings, I missed my chance to get tickets to this year’s New York Comic Con. Normally, I know none of you would care. But last year’s NYCC produced arguably the greatest video in the history of the Internet. Sadly, there will not be a sequel. I accept all responsibility for my actions.

Pick: 49ers

Dallas Cowboys at Houston Texans (-3)

Pick: Cowboys

Washington Redskins at New Orleans Saints (-6.5)

Adrian Peterson revenge game? Adrian Peterson revenge game. I fully expect AP to try and truck Sean Payton on the sideline, which will surely draw a 15 yard penalty. As is the case with any Alex Smith-led team, the Redskins have been quietly pretty good in their three games this year (by the way, I’d protest any bye week scheduled before week 9. A week 4 bye is just asking for everyone on the team to get injured). But they’re so boring. And you can’t pick against the Saints on Monday night in the Superdome. You just can’t.

Pick: Saints