Category: Opinion

MLB Thoughts

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Folks, it’s hot out there. Very hot. Whatever your favorite saying about how hot it really is definitely applies. I went to the beach thinking I might get some relief, but I was sorely mistaken. It was hot there, too. Luckily, as part of #teamsunblock, I didn’t pick up any sunburns. But the sand was like a hibachi grill. Every step was like getting stabbed by a thousand tiny knives. I wanted to amputate my feet. I still might, honestly. I got sand everywhere. I got sand in places I didn’t know I could get sand. And yet, despite that adversity, I’m still going to bring you some MLB Thoughts. I know, I know, you think I’m a hero. Listen, the real heroes are the school teachers and the baseball writers that put their beliefs over facts keep the game sacred. I’m just a guy with blazing hot MLB takes. But I can see how you would get it confused.

  • Ever since the Most Perfect Baseball Player Ever Mike Trout tragically passed away (on to the disabled list), we’ve been left with a power vacuum at the top of the league. “Who’s the best player in the league now?” Is it Clayton Kershaw? Bryce Harper? Perhaps Aaron Judge? Well, after looking over the facts, my mind is made up. Without a doubt, the best player in the league is currently Pablo Sandoval.
  • This is the third MLB Thoughts. Thus, it’s the third time I’m going to gloat about correctly predicted that the Rockies would be good this year. Don’t like it? Write to your local representative and ask him to make the Rockies stop winning games.
  • I wish the Red Sox offense would stop sucking.
  • I’m not usually a victim of small sample sizes, but I think Aaron Judge is pretty strong.
  • Why are the Twins good? They have the exact same team as last year when they lost a million games. I don’t get how they’re in first place.
  • I didn’t think they’d really have any competition, but the AL Central is giving the NL East a serious run for its money for the Worst Division Crown.
  • Speaking of why are they good and AL Central, how does Jason Vargas have a 2.18 ERA? Guy stinks.
  • Speaking yet again of why are they good, what’s up with Zack Cozart? His career high OPS was .769. He’s at 1.018 this year. He’s already got a career high in WAR, too. Forget Scooter Gennett, any random drug testers headed towards Cincinnati need to make a beeline for Cozart’s locker.
  • God, this Houston Astros super team is ruining the league. I mean, they’re just destroying everyone else in the league. Everyone knows they’re going to wind up in the World Series. Where’s the fun in that? I miss the 90s when it was more competitive. Sure, teams like the Yankees and Braves were dominant every year, but they had to fight more for it! The old guys were tougher! They didn’t just shoot 3s all the time! Sorry, I kind of blacked out for a second, there.
  • Aww, Manny Machado was spiked in the wrist and might go to the DL now? Why do bad things always happen to good people?
  • It would be the most Cubs thing ever if, after finally breaking through and winning the World Series, the turn around and miss the playoffs the next year with the exact same roster. Seriously, what’s going on with them? Was Dexter Fowler really that important? Every time the look like they’re ready to turn the corner, they lose three in a row or four out of five. And I know he’s everyone’s favorite fat guy (I love him, too, btw), but Schwarber has been bruuuuutalllll all season. Their numbers (particularly Bryant’s) are still pretty good, but something just seems off with the Kris Bryant-Anthony Rizzo tag team. They were a dynamic force all year last season, and there’s only been flashes of it this year. Guess it doesn’t help that both Jake Arrieta and Jon Lester both have ERAs over 4.
  • As we get into the dogs days of summer and there becomes a dearth of good talking points, expect there to be a lot of lamenting about how baseball is becoming more and more focused on the Three True Outcomes (strikeout, walk, home run). Strikeout rates continue to increase every year, home run rates are at their highest since the Steroid Era, and walk rates will increase as the value of on base percentage over batting average continues to grow. There’s going to be a lot of Goose Gossage-types who will come out of the woodwork and say that Back in Their Day, people actually put the ball in play and defense mattered. They will then say that they could have dominated in this era, even though the likes of Joe Kelly (Joe Kelly) can hit 100+ on the radar gun and some of the closers these days are almost literally impossible to hit against.
  • I also don’t get how the Giants can possibly be this bad. I mean, when you’re dead last in the league in runs scored (the Padres don’t count for the runs scored ranking anymore, since they’ve finished 30th out of 30 for 25 straight years), I guess that’ll lead to a lot of losses.
  • So, is the Phillies’ rebuild just going to be permanent or what? I get the Astros kind of ruined it for everyone else when they went from awful to great overnight a few years ago, but the Phillies have stunk for multiple years now. I don’t think Phillies’ fans would be too out of line to start expecting some results fairly soon.
  • Alright Yankees fans, I’ll acknowledge that the team is good. Maybe even legitimately good. But if you think I’m going to talk about how they just murder the Red Sox in back to back games, you’re sorely mistaken.
  • Just realized I never weighed in on the Bryce Harper v. Hunter Strickland fight. I don’t have a take I just realized I never actually talked about it.
  • MLB The Show 17 update: after grinding through an eternity in Tampa Bay, I finally hit free agency. I signed with Colorado because all I really care about are stats. Well, I’ve hit 120 combined homers in the first two years, so I think it’s going to work out just fine.
  • I realize they have good intentions, but the Reds’ camo jerseys are very bad.
  • The Rays’ “fauxback” jerseys are very good. Now someone please get Tropicana Field out of my sight forever.
  • Breaking News: The Mets stink.
  • Need more mascot race highlights. Haven’t had enough of them this year.

I think the Weeknd might be a Virgin

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This might seem like it’s coming out of nowhere, but last night, as I was driving home, “I Feel It Coming,” by The Weeknd featuring Daft Punk, came on my radio. While it wasn’t the first time I heard it, I hadn’t really thought about it much until then, and I had two initial thoughts. The first is that it’s a blazing hot song and I couldn’t wait to listen to it a million more times. The second is that The Weeknd literally talks about sex and drugs in every single song. Who does that? This isn’t the poker scene from 40 Year Old Virgin. No one cares about your sexual escapades, man. The people who talk about how many chicks they’ve banged or how high they get are always the ones who’ve done the least. Then it hit me: I’m pretty sure The Weeknd is a virgin. Or, at least he was until he got huge.

First off, Wikipedia tells me he started doing drugs when he was 11. The source for that? The Weeknd himself. Hmmmm. Pretty convenient to be your own biographer. Second, The Weeknd is, by a country mile, the worst stage name ever created by man. You can’t be a solo act and call yourself The Weeknd. That’s a band name, and a bad band name at that. His real name is Abel Makkonen Tesfaye. That’s a sweet name. Go by that, not The Weeknd. If I was a self-respecting woman, and someone introduced themselves to me as The Weeknd, and had this hair:

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I’m telling him thanks, but no thanks. He also has no stage presence. Ever watch him perform? He’s like a rotting 2×4 up there. And he’s like 5’8″. I don’t care how smooth and velvety your voice is, or how many jams you throw out, that’s a lot to overcome. I just did some quick research, and he talks about drugs or sex in 100% of his songs. It’s like when guys get $200,000 sports cars or huge Hummers. Everyone knows what it really means. My man Abel is just trying to fit in at the cool table, so he’s just telling stories about his favorite porn videos. I’d love to spend a weekend with The Weeknd (get it?) just to see what he actually does. Actually, I probably wouldn’t since he’s got one of the most boring personalities of all time. But that’s just a side effect from all the “drugs,” right?

I mean, at some level, I get it. I’m not the “coolest” guy you’ll ever meet. I don’t do the drugs and, somehow, I’m still single. I can see how you’d want to stretch the truth. But people know, man. Just look at the patron saint of the Brian’s Den, George Michael. Once he stopped pretending be something he wasn’t, he became a legend. Not everyone can be a Barry White love machine. The world needs ditch diggers and boring people, too. Maybe it’s time for the real Abel Tesfaye. Let’s get some tracks about staying in on Saturday night or playing a bunch of Minesweeper on your computer. It’s about time we get some nice R&B about not finding anyone to go with you to that new restaurant you’ve been meaning to try or binge watching Big Bang Theory. That’s when your career will really take off.

The Burning Questions Mailbag, pt. 2

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It’s been a little while, but we’re back with some more Burning Questions, straight from the People. The Burning Questions Mailbag was starting to get some serious buildup, so I had to give it some release. Plus, what better way to celebrate Memorial Day than answering other people’s important quandaries? Considering how heavily these Questions have been weighing on my readers’ minds, solving their problems kind of puts me in the same class of hero as the brave men and women we’re remembering today, right? I’ll keep telling myself that, at least. As with last time, we have to start with a question from the most important member of the #BurningQuestions community, myself.

Brian asks: Why do some people put toothpaste on their toothbrush before running it under water?

There are of a lot of great mysteries out there. Who was Jack the Ripper? What is the Meaning of Life? What happened to Jimmy Hoffa? What’s up with the Bermuda Triangle? Even the Mysteries of the Rosary. But for my money, absolutely nothing beats this. Why the hell do people put toothpaste on first? The order is wet toothbrush, put on toothpaste, brush teeth, wash toothbrush. It’s not exactly rocket surgery. There’s four steps and people somehow still mess it up. You don’t put milk in the bowl before the cereal, you don’t put socks on before underwear, and you don’t put toothpaste on before running it under water. Not to take a shot at the fine parents across this great nation, but if you allow your kids to do this, you’ve failed to produce a contributing member of society.

pestooneverything asks: Does Sean Paul make songs better or worse?

I don’t know, you tell me:

Infinitely better. Next.

xboxguy asks: As the streaming industry takes off (this year there will be more time spent watching games than playing them) and services like Mixer offer a more interactive viewing experience (crowd can vote on key decisions and impact the gameplay), will we see a shift in the way games are designed?

Well, I didn’t really expect to get into a discussion about the fate of the video game industry, but here we are. This may get a little nerdy, so bare with me. As far as Mixer is concerned, while it is assuredly the most advanced and efficient version of this type of populist streaming, it’s not the first time we’ve seen it. Consider the tale of Lord Helix, the central deity from Twitch Plays Pokemon, a bizarre experiment that asked the question “what if every decision in a Pokemon game, down to the direction the main character walked, was made by an internet comment section in real time?” Needless to say, they made a complete mockery of the game. But, by introducing complete chaos into the relatively straightforward story, an entirely unique experience was created. It was so popular, they did it more than 10 more times. Now, Pokemon games are handheld games with simple mechanics and rudimentary decision-making. It’s relatively easy to subjugate them to the whims of the masses. If things like Mixer can effectively bring a similar experience to current-gen console games, then it’s almost guaranteed to change the way games are developed. Considering the popularity of streaming (I’m not really a streaming guy, but, for some games, I understand the benefits of watching someone else play. Now, if you’re going to sit there and watch someone else play, and then make all the key decisions and impact the gameplay? Just play the game yourself), games who focus on streaming will undoubtedly add features to encourage audience participation. I suspect, soon enough, almost every game will introduce some kind of peanut-gallery-friendly mechanics. The gaming industry has never been one to stand in the way of progress, and I fully expect this to be a massive hit.

BlacktopLebron asks: Couple NBA questions- is the lottery rigged, and who are your top ten NBA players right now, based purely on talent (not age, contract, success, etc.)

Rigged? The NBA Draft Lottery? It can’t be. Not the same lottery the Celtics just won by pure chance and of their own merits? Never! (But, in all seriousness, yes, of course it’s rigged. You think the Lakers kept their top-3 protected pick by chance? You think the still-NBA-owned New Orleans Hornets won the lottery because of luck? Or that the Cavs won a million straight lotteries despite having astronomical odds after LeBron left town? Or the Bulls somehow winning the Derrick Rose lottery? Please. Russian elections think the NBA Draft Lottery has a dubious history)

As for my top ten, it looks something like this:

  1. LeBron James
  2. Kevin Durant
  3. Kawhi Leonard
  4. Russell Westbrook
  5. Anthony Davis
  6. Steph Curry
  7. James Harden
  8. Giannis Antetokounmpo
  9. John Wall
  10. Karl-Anthony Towns

JoeyGSp0t asks: What’s the most degrading thing you’d do for money? Would you ever do porn?

Well, I’m flattered that you would consider asking if I’d ever do porn. Truth be told, though, I’d do pretty much anything for money. Now, if I did ever delve into the adult entertainment world, I’d probably have to create an entirely new life for myself, because you can’t be a part of the regular world and the porn world at the same time. I’d need new friends, new family, most likely a new identity (besides my stage name Rodrigo Waters, obviously). I might even need to fake my own death. That’s a lot of work. Too much work, you might say. So, I probably won’t do porn, mostly because of the inconvenience it would cause me. Not the shame. I abandoned all shame long ago.

WhiteKong asks: What’s the best specialty sandwich?

Excellent question as always, WhiteKong. Not many things in this world better than a good sandwich. I’m assuming by specialty sandwich, you mean anything more complex than a basic deli meat sandwich. Don’t get me wrong, good deli meat is excellent. But sometimes, your body needs a something more than just turkey and condiments. Now, to avoid the more annoying, trapped-in-2015 sections of the internet mob, I’m drawing some guidelines here: this only counts regular sandwiches. Meat between two or more separate pieces of bread. Anything served in a hot dog bun doesn’t count. Also, no specific fast food items, either. Only things you can either make at home or get at any good sandwich place, not one specific restaurant.

Top Five Sandwiches

  1. Cuban
  2. PB & J
  3. Cheeseburger
  4. Bacon (or sausage), egg, and cheese
  5. French Dip

XtothaG asks: Will Andre 3000 ever come out with a solo album?

If I knew the answer to that, I’d be doing something better with my life than writing this blog.

dpower asks: What’s the best pickup line on Tinder?

Easy. “Hey, do you read briansden69.com? Wow, me too.” Hope you’re ready for what comes your way.

KingRichard1911 asks: What would be the best period of history to live in?

I assume you mean besides “right now.” Quality of life in anything before 1950 is going to be pretty lousy, so I’ve got to pick a time where my modern-day knowledge would make me a king, but where it’s not so much greater than what the people have that I’m considered a witch. And, in the likely event that I’m killed, I’d prefer it to be something quick like a gun, not a dull bone knife. That’s a pretty small window. I’m thinking anywhere from the late 1600s through the 1700s or so would be good for me. If I went back there with a set of modern maps, I could easily become the greatest pirate ever. All I’d have to do is not get caught. Avoiding the law in any time before the Civil Rights Movement should have been the easiest thing ever, so I’m good there. Or, since I’d be the biggest, strongest, and smartest person there, maybe I could lead the Continental Army against the British. I’d be the first president, not George Washington. And, since I lack his honor and foresight, I’d just stay president until I die, creating the exact same system of government that I just spent many years fighting to avoid. Or I could just be a taller, smarter Napoleon who doesn’t do stupid shit like invade Russia or get into pointless wars with Spain. Really, the possibilities are endless for anyone who just isn’t an idiot. That’s the only pre-requisite for world domination.

WhiteKong also asks: What’s the most overrated food?

Last time I discovered that cantaloupe was the most underrated fruit, so I guess it’ll now become tradition to debate which foods are properly rated. Not that I’m complaining, or anything. My food takes are rock solid, so it’s an honor that many people come to me looking for guidance. Now, there are tons of overrated foods. Off the top of my head there’s things like Taylor Ham, Sriracha, quinoa, kale, wasabi, the list goes on. But, I keep coming back to avocado, but I actually don’t think it’s the true answer. Let’s get it out of the way, though: avocados suck. I know I have to renounce my status as a millennial for saying it, but someone has to. I’m sick of being held hostage by this stupid fruit. Avocados don’t taste good. They don’t even really have a taste. They’re just mush. Hey, Chipotle, I’ll keep my $20 for a small cup of guacamole, thank you, because guacamole stinks. But, as I said, avocados aren’t the most overrated food. You know what is? The term superfood. It’s the entire reason avocados became popular in the first place. They’re the original superfood. People are completely obsessed with the concept of superfood. What, do you think an avocado is going to do your taxes or something? Rescue your cat from a tree? What happened to something just being healthy? Now it’s got to be a superfood. And they’re all so in-your-face, too. People trying to get my to eat açai berries or something. Please. And everything’s a superfood, now, too. “Blueberries found to be newest superfood.” Just because it tastes good and is healthy doesn’t mean it has to be called a superfood. Pretty much everything outside Chili Cheese Fritos is a superfood these days. Literally every fruit. Pretty much every nut. Most fish. People saying wine is a superfood. If everything is a superfood, how can anything be a superfood? It’s so stupid. Avocados are healthy. That’s good to know. Calling it a superfood doesn’t make me want to eat it. It doesn’t make me want avocado-flavored stuff. It doesn’t make me want avocado-themed clothing. It doesn’t make me want to name my first ten children Avocado. It’s like the insufferable bacon craze that finally died down. There’s always the It food that everyone thinks everyone else loves and wants to jam it down the public’s throat 24/7. And right now, it’s Superfood.

DeerHit45 asks: As medical sciences continue to push towards reversing the effects of aging, humans are quickly becoming immortal. Will this make life lose all meaning?

Had to end with a feel-good question. I mean, yeah, if everyone was immortal I don’t think everyone would care about anything anymore. What would be the point? The skydiving industry would love it. Casinos would be thrilled. Amusement parks would be on the rise. People would just spend their infinite lives searching for thrills, for anything that made them feel alive. Or feel anything at all. There wouldn’t be some great progress or new utopian society. That’s just not how humans are wired. If our lives had no end, all meaning would be sapped from it. Why should I ever go to work? Why should I leave the house? Whatever it is I was going to do, I can do it tomorrow. After all, I have all the tomorrows in the world. If you think humans are lazy now, just wait until we’re immortal.

Unpopular Opinion Alert: I like Crab more than Lobster

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Everyone who has spent more than five minutes on the Internet has given their fair share of takes. Lord knows I’ve had many takes myself. Some better than others, some more controversial than others. But every so often, you know you have a take that is cut from a different cloth. A take so explosive, so provocative, that it threatens the very foundation of rational thought. And I’ve one brewing for years now. But now, on the doorstep of Seafood SZN and Eating Outside SZN, I figured now would be the best time to break it out. I like crab better than lobster.

“How can that be?” you ask, unsure of the mental state of the man you’re speaking to. “Lobster is Lobster. It’s the greatest.” It’s true. I cannot deny the fact that lobster is, in fact, lobster. And lobster is great. It’s delicious and a delicacy. A true Gold Standard for Nouveau Riche eating. But, at the end of the day, lobster is just lobster. Crab, on the other hand, has so many options. There’s Blue Crab, Stone Crab, Rock Crab, Dungeness Crab, Alaskan King Crab, Snow Crab, Red Crab, the list goes on and on. There’s crab legs, crab claws, crab cakes, you can even get fried crab. Lobster is just lobster. Now, I can’t hate on lobster rolls (the buttery kind, not the cold, mayo-y kind) (another take that I feel like is slightly controversial: I absolutely hate mayonnaise. I think it’s the most disgusting thing ever. I throw up in my mouth a little bit every time I see someone pour globs and globs of mayo onto a poor, unsuspecting sandwich. Yes, I know mayo is a key ingredient in many foods I love, chiefly the Big Mac, but straight mayo is horrifying. There’s a difference between being someone who uses/likes mayo and a Mayo Guy. If you’re a Mayo Guy, you repulse me. I look down on you, and I hope you feel bad about your life). Lobster rolls are one of the G.O.A.T. sandwiches and, along with clam chowder, a staple of New England summer cuisine (here’s yet another mini-take, but this is pretty straightforward and (hopefully) obvious: Manhattan clam chowder is complete trash. I know I said organic Doritos are the worst food ever, but that was just hyperbole. Manhattan clam chowder is, always has been, and always will be the worst food ever invented. I think I’ve gotten into more fights with one of my friends about this than anything else, mostly because I can’t wrap my mind around how he could think it actually tastes good). But crab just has so many more possibilities and different flavors. There’s really only one kind of lobster, and it’s rich and buttery. Crab can be sweet. It can be fishy. It can be meaty and succulent. It can taste just like lobster or like an entirely different class of food. It’s versatility makes it superior. And crab boils? Oh, man, simply to die for.

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Simply put, crab is just better. It’s better on it’s own and it’s better when it’s a role player in a larger recipe. Yeah, lobster is flashier and more expensive (besides the ludicrous prices on stone crab claws), but it lacks substance. Actually, check that, lobster has too much substance. I like my seafood light. I like feeling fresh after I taste from Poseidon’s bounty. When you eat lobster it’s like you just ate a big, fat steak and you have a brick in your stomach. Crab is the opposite. I mean, sure, if you pound a million crab cakes your going to feel like shit, but, on the whole, crab is lighter, it’s sweeter, and it’s just flat out tastier. Sorry I can think for myself.

While I’ve still got the hot hand, might as well rattle off some rapid fire seafood power rankings. I’m a big time seafood guy and am always up for a little surf minus turf dinner. In my mind, seafood has two categories: fish and shellfish. I love both, but if I had to only be able to have one for the rest of my life I’d probably take shellfish.

Top Five Ways to Prepare Fish:

  1. Sushi- give me the simple, slice of fish over a ball of rice style, though. Don’t need giant slices of avocado and an entire carton of cream cheese involved
  2. Seared
  3. Grilled
  4. Fried
  5. Baked

Top Five Ways to Prepare Shellfish:

  1. Fried
  2. Steamed
  3. Boiled
  4. That’s kind of it. I don’t have the guts to do raw shellfish

Top Five Fish:

  1. Tuna- not that gross canned crap, either. Real tuna is the GOAT fish and possibly the GOAT meat. Unquestionably makes the best sushi, too
  2. Swordfish
  3. Eel- eel sushi is very underrated
  4. Salmon- I’m not a huge salmon guy, but not including it in the top five would just be ignorance
  5. Calamari- many people will be wondering how squid counts as fish, despite the fact that it’s still a mollusk. Well, they don’t have a shell. So, there

Top Five Shellfish:

  1. Crab- I can’t spend all that time talking up crab and then not put it number one
  2. Scallop
  3. Clam
  4. Lobster
  5. Shrimp

Top Five Coolest Fish (Not eating, just in general):

  1. Seahorse
  2. Hammerhead Shark
  3. Manta Ray
  4. Sunfish
  5. Whale Shark

Unpopular Opinion: I Hate Lunch

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So today I was scouring the deepest parts of the Internet looking for new and exciting stories to bring my dozen(s?) of readers/putting in hours in MLB The Show and Persona 5 (probably the nerdiest thing I’ve ever purchased but damn if it isn’t the most fun I’ve had in a while) when I looked at the clock and saw that it was after 1:30. Out of habit, I stopped to eat lunch. And as I was eating, I realized how much of an annoyance it was to drop everything I was doing to eat, when I wasn’t even all that hungry to begin with. And so, a new franchise was born: Unpopular Opinions. And my first one is that I hate lunch.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “This guy’s always talking about food and how much he eats and how much he loves fast food and how fat he is. Surely he loves lunch.” Well, dear reader, you’d be wrong. While it’s true that I do love food, and many of the traditional lunch staples rank highly on my internal power rankings, it’s the process I could do without. Whenever I’m at home during the day, lunch just seems like such a chore. It’s too much work for not enough payoff. At the basest level, there’s only really three or four things you can have. A lot of settling going on when it comes to eating lunch if you don’t feel like buying something every day. And you have to actually make it, too, which takes longer than you want it to. Sure, you can throw a sandwich together in ten seconds, but I actually care about the quality of my food. A haphazardly made sandwich is among the worst things you can eat. And it’s right in the middle of the day when you could be doing other things. God forbid you don’t eat when society tells you to. I have to halt everything I’m doing just so I can make a sandwich or heat up soup or leftovers, all because I’d become a social outcast akin to an untouchable in India if I choose to eat outside the noon-1 o’clock window. I just want to know why.

Who decided we need three meals a day? Clearly not any kind of medical professional, since every year they come out with a new way you’re Supposed to Eat. Sometimes it’s eat a million tiny meals. Sometimes it’s eat one gigantic meal. Sometimes it’s don’t eat anything at all. More importantly, who decided on the times you have to eat? And who decided on the rigid menu you have to choose from? Again, I must reiterate that I love most traditional lunch foods. Sandwiches, chips, soup, all great. But I shouldn’t have to eat them when I don’t want to. I’m a big proponent of eating whatever you want whenever you want. Pizza for breakfast? Delicious. Pancakes for dinner? Yes please. If I want a filet mignon at 2 in the afternoon, I should be able to do it without facing backlash. Sure, going out to get lunch is a far superior experience than making it yourself, but almost every “lunch special” is just a smaller version of their regular meal. If I like the food, why would I want less of it just because it’s 12:43? This might not surprise anyone, but I prefer to have big meals over small ones. As much as I like eating and food, meals are just a hindrance to my free time. So I want to load up on food I like so I don’t have to eat as much. Maybe I’ll eat at 10 and 6. Maybe I’ll do 11:30 and 5. If I’m free all day, maybe I won’t eat until like 2 o’clock in the afternoon and have dinner at *gasp* 8 at night. I refuse to be contained by the parameters society has given me. I understand the lunch break is a sacred part of any work day. It’s probably saved billions of lives. But I’ll take it whenever the hell I want to, thank you very much. The later you take your break, the less time you have until you go home. Just a little trick I’ve picked up over the years. Lunch at noon is the most pointless thing going. It’s your body. Eat when you want.

So I’m calling for change. No longer will I be silent. No longer will I let The Man tell me to eat at a time that inconvenient for me. No longer will I be content eating a turkey sandwich at 1 in the afternoon because “I’ll ruin my appetite for dinner” if I eat something bigger. Well maybe I want dinner to be right now, how about that? No more set times for meals. No more exclusive menus. No more meal-shaming. Use #nomorenoonmeals to join the movement. Let’s come together in solidarity as people who don’t feel like eating just because it’s “lunchtime.” Take control of your diet. We can topple the meal structure together and create a brighter tomorrow.