Category: Sports

2018 World Cup All-Hair Team

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The World Cup 2018 Final is set. France vs. Croatia. No, I’m not crying out of sadness that the World Cup is ending. I’m crying out of joy that my beloved France is going to hoist the old trophy once again. I took four years of French in high school (got a 2 on the AP exam, what’s up?) and may or may not have some French ancestry, so I’m practically a native Frenchman. In fact, you could call me a Nice Guy. Get it? Because Nice is a city in France. I actually do love this France team, though, even though I’ve been fairly lukewarm on them until now. Watching Paul Pogba play for his international side reminds me of why I fell in love with him (and soccer after a lengthy period of being a dumb hater) in the first place: when unbound by the oppressive shackles of Jose Mourinho, he’s just really really cool and fun to watch (#analysis). Mbappé is obviously awesome and, in a just world, N’Golo Kanté would be named Player of the Tournament (I’ve decided that this is the soccer equivalent of saying J.J. Watt should have won MVP during his dominant seasons). Plus, the next time they don’t have great jerseys will be the first. And yet, despite all that, we live in a world where it isn’t really that crazy to think Croatia will win the World Cup. 2018 is wild, man.

But we’re not here to talk about boring things like on-field results and post-tournament awards. We’re here to talk about the real honor: the 2018 World Cup All-Hair Team. The eleven players who displayed the highest hair acumen and execution. Now, we’re unfortunately no longer in the era of experimentation. For the most part, there’s three styles you’ll see: buzz, undercut, and bun/ponytail. Gone are the days of Zidane and Ronaldo (original). As such, players who took risks are rewarded, here. The All-Hair Team isn’t just a magazine of cool styles you can show your barber. It’s a tribute to risk-takers and those confident enough to stand out. So, yes, quality is always rewarded. But if a player’s hair isn’t the first thing you notice about him, how can he really be part of the All-Hair Team? The answer is he can’t. So, without further ado, the All-Hair Team. We’re going with a 4-5-1 because that fits our players best.

Manager- Hervé Renard, Morocco

There’s a lot of personalities on this team. A lot of divas. A lot of guys who think their hair gives them free reign to do whatever they please. I need a manager who can bring everyone together. A manager who doesn’t take any guff and has the full respect of the locker room. A manager with hair that can go toe-to-toe with any of his players’. That can only be one man- Hervé Renard. One look at him tells you everything you need to know. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say he has the best manager hair of all time.

Goalkeeper- Kasper Schmeichel, Denmark (captain)

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The captain of the All-Hair Team couldn’t rely on tricks and gimmicks for his look. He needed some of the best hair the world has ever seen. I was wondering if we would see someone like that at this year’s tournament, but, like a ray of light sent from above, Kasper Schmeichel’s glorious locks shone down upon us. A truly stunning head of hair. Fair, soft, perfectly coiffed. It somehow got better the sweatier he got, which, needless to say, is high degree of difficulty stuff. He was already a legend from Leicester City (and his father), but this hair performance is the kind of thing that leads to a big money transfer. I’m proud to call him my captain.

Defense- Domagoj Vida, Croatia

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I’ll be honest, when you combine the hairline with the overall quality of hair, this is one of the worst looks of all time. But I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s been stuck in my mind since the group stage and only tightened its grip on my brain as they’ve advanced to the final. Isn’t that the true spirit of the All-Hair Team, in the end? To say this wasn’t one of the eleven most memorable haircut of the World Cup would be disingenuous. Plus, I’m not going to be the one who tells a guy named Domagoj he didn’t make the cut.

Defense- Román Torres, Panama

In an era where everyone is constantly changing their hair and no one has a signature style, this is a signature style. The Brian Grant of world football, Román Torres’s dreads add a different flavor to what can seem a very one-note group of ‘dos. Is he a powerful center back or a beach bum permanently on island time? Who knows? That hair isn’t giving any clues, that’s for sure.

Defense- Harry Maguire, England

They say pets resemble their owners, and I think the same can be said for hair. Just like the body it belongs to, this hair is thicc as hell, and is the perfect combination of goofy and suave. I’ll be honest, I love Harry Maguire (I don’t even want to know how much Taco Bell he crushed after losing to Croatia) and kind of just wanted an excuse to put him on this team. He brings a much-needed carefree attitude to this group of primadonnas, and will undoubtedly be the glue that holds the locker room together. Probably takes him ten seconds to get his hair ready, which will diversify the styling approaches on the team.

Defense- Toby Alderweireld, Belgium

As textbook “soccer haircut” as it gets. Short fade on the side, slicked back up top. About ten million of these to choose from, so the fact that Toby stood out (and I needed another defender) says a lot. Can teach the other players a lot about precision and what to tell your barber to get what you want. Also definitely uses some questionable hair products that he gets from “his guy” that may or may not be the result of illegal animal testing. He’ll hook you up if you want, though.

Winger- Willian, Brazil

Don’t care if it’s 1818, 1918, or 2018. Good afros always play. Willian has a good afro. Apologies to Axel Witsel, but only one afro per team.

Midfield- Valon Behrami, Switzerland

I respect anyone who clings to vestiges of the past, and my man Valon’s trying his hardest to keep the bleach blonde look alive. Unfortunately, I was still unable to make my own decisions when this craze was still widespread, otherwise I undoubtedly would have joined in. If I were but a few years older, I would be able to insert a picture of my younger self with platinum blonde hair for your enjoyment. Alas.

Midfield- Diego Laxalt, Uruguay

Speaking of keeping old fads alive. I don’t mean to insult the good people of Uruguay, but if their players are still rocking cornrows in 2018 I doubt they’ll see this post for another decade or so. They’re going to love Lost, I can feel it. I’m worried what will happen to Diego’s psyche when he finds out that Luis Suarez bit some people a few years back. Might kill Uruguayan team chemistry, but luckily there’s only man from Uruguay on this roster.

Midfield- Rúrik Gíslason, Iceland

You may know him as Iceland’s resident male model, I know him as a man with an all time head of hair. He was in strong contention for the captainship, but I need someone’s who’s actually good wearing the armband. I think he technically played, but Rúrik Gíslason didn’t make the All-Hair Team for his futbol prowess. Like Loki, he stole the goddess Sif’s golden locks, but instead of using her hair for nefarious gains, he decided to start wearing it himself. If Chris Hemsworth ever feels like stepping away from the moviestar life, I know someone who can take his place.

Winger- Neymar, Brazil

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The ultimate chameleon, Neymar had new hair every game, each one of them money. Took a lot of heat for flopping and rolling around on the ground too much, but he should have been getting praise for his willingness to try new hairstyles. It takes a brave man to go with some of the looks he did, and that courageousness is what gets him a spot on the All-Hair Team. He brings flair and an inimitable style, and, barring a complete loss of hair, he’ll be headlining the 2022 All-Hair Team, as well.

Striker, Always and Forever- Olivier Giroud, France (co-captain)

The true G.O.A.T. Giroud has a permanent place on the All-Hair Team, the All-Style Team, the All-Beard Team, the All-Handsome Team, every possible team that isn’t related to scoring goals. He’s the only one on the roster who made it before his team played a game. He is, quite possibly, the most French person to ever live and I mean that as a positive. I don’t think he owns a winery but at the same time why wouldn’t he? He was born into a finely tailored silk swaddling cloth and was suckled on a bottle of cologne. He is the face of the All-Hair Team, and I couldn’t feel better about having him up top.

I would like to remind any potential haters who might disagree with this team that the All-Hair Team is chosen by a committee of some of the finest styling minds in the world. I am just their herald, revealing their divine choices to the uncultured masses. So don’t direct your qualms at me, maybe direct them inward and wonder why you have such bad taste. As for the water-boy on the All-Hair Team, well, I think yours truly has it locked up.

MLB Needs to Abolish the “Every Team Needs an All-Star” Rule

MLB: Tampa Bay Rays at New York Mets

The MLB All-Star rosters were announced over the weekend, and, naturally, people are mad online. Every All-Star roster announcement in any sport is always met with scorn and the opening day of #SnubSZN, and it’s usually pretty stupid considering, and this might blow your mind, there are a ton of great players and not all of them can make it. But baseball typically has the most snubs, and that’s because they’re still clinging to the archaic rule that every team, no matter how bad or how irrelevant, needs at least one representative in the Midsummer Classic. As such, more deserving players are left off the rosters far more frequently than in other sports, many of whom are merely being punished for having good teammates (wait, did bitter NBA fans make this rule in the early 1900s?). Frankly, I’m sick of it, and you should be too.

I can’t track down the origins of the rule (that’s called Journalism, folks), but, putting on my thinking cap for a second, I’m going to guess it was created in the early stages of the All Star game as a way to expose fans to different teams and players, try and fight the inherent regionalism that has always (and always will) existed in baseball, sell tickets, and generally grow the game. Well it’s 2018. We have the internet. If you care enough about baseball to actually watch the All-Star game, you already know the Tigers stink and are way too boring to have a representative. But there’s everyone’s favorite middle reliever Joe Jimenez taking up a roster spot. Awesome. Gotta get J.A. Happ and his 4.44 ERA on the squad, you never know when you might need someone to soak up innings in an exhibition game meant to show how exciting baseball can be. Jose Berrios at least has some name recognition as a former top prospect, but he’s still not that good. I only bring these guys up because they made the team over Blake Snell, the current AMERICAN LEAGUE LEADER IN ERA. Can’t let those diehard Twins fans feel left out! Not on MLB’s watch. I actually really have no issues with the National League team besides the fact that Jesus Aguilar should be on the team, but let’s just say the Pirates don’t need an All-Star, and they definitely don’t need an All-Star if I had to google him.

This is an easy fix. Construct the rosters the same way but without feeling the need to include every team. I guarantee it’ll make everyone except the random relief pitcher who gets a nice bonus happier. I mean MLB’s marketing department is completely incompetent so maybe they feel like they need this burst of fake controversy to stay relevant, but I promise that having players fans recognize and care about play in the All-Star game is more worthwhile than having people debate snubs for a bit. Not to mention it’s just a stupid and patronizing rule. Like do they just call up a middle reliever with a 3.58 ERA on the Pirates and say “Hey, buddy, I know your team’s not doing so hot, and we feel really really bad, so how about you come down to the All-Star game pizza party? It’ll be fun! Huh, what’s that? Exciting players from the Red Sox and Yankees? The National League co-leader in home runs? The absurd story that is Max Muncy? You think they’re more worthy? Don’t worry about them, little guy, if the fans really want them in they’ll nominate them in the final vote! Now why don’t you come down to the ballpark for some hot dogs and Gatorade?” Get out of my face with that crap. The best players should go. Period. I don’t care if the entire roster comes from three teams if they’re deserving. J.A. Happ isn’t a deserving All-Star. Joe Jimenez isn’t a deserving All-Star. Felipe Vazquez isn’t a deserving All-Star. I know it’s asking a lot, but maybe one day MLB will enter this millennium and do the right thing.

Cristiano Ronaldo to Join Juventus

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Welcome to the Summer of GOATs changing teams. First LeBron, now Ronaldo (co-GOAT). If Celine Dion takes her act to the Venetian in the next couple months we’ll really be seeing something special.

This has been kind of a weird saga since, if you’ve been paying attention, this move to Juventus was first reported about a week ago, no one on either side came close to denying it, and the final fee (€100 million) was the exact number that was first reported. So why the delay? Who knows. Maybe to give him time to write his Player’s Tribune article open letter to the fans. Or to try and upstage as much of the World Cup as possible. Or, more likely, to iron out the contractual kinks. Whatever the case, a new species of goat in coming to Torino (if you opt to say the Americanized Turin I hate you. Torino is so much better to say. Literally every single Italian city name is better in Italian and for some reason we felt the need to make worse versions of them because most Americans are too stupid to pronounce things correctly).

So why did CR7 want out? I’m guessing he was just kind of burnt out at Madrid. It’s not like he needs to move to win, or anything. Real literally can’t stop winning trophies. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery. Sometimes you just need to go somewhere with laxer tax laws. I won’t lie and tell you I’m an expert on Serie A, but something tells me they’ll have no problem letting Ronaldo skate by without paying his taxes if he’s still Ronaldo.

As for what this means for Serie A and the world at large, I don’t imagine much changing. Juventus won the league last year (and pretty much does every year), and something tells me adding Ronaldo won’t hurt their chances at adding another title to their cabinet. They’ll probably be a really fun team to watch, but I’ll be honest, you’ve gotta be a real diehard to regularly watch Italian league soccer. I don’t even know what network it’s on, but I’m guessing every time Ronaldo and Gonzalo Higuain start up front together they’ll play this:

Champions League will be the best time to watch them, and that’s where this move will have the biggest impact, anyway. Juventus was always kind of a secondary contender, a team that was always deep in the tournament but never a serious threat to win, but now they have to be taken seriously. For me, there are now six teams who could legitimately win the 2018-19 Champions League: Juventus, Real Madrid, Barcelona, PSG, Bayern Munich, and Manchester City. It’ll probably just be Real again because, you’ll never believe this, they’re still super stacked and will probably just go out and buy Harry Kane or something. But the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to like Juventus’ chances. They could very well be the highest scoring team in Europe this season, and, even without Gigi Buffon, they still have one of the strongest defenses in the world. It’s a strong take, but I think the team with Cristiano Ronaldo has a chance to go really far in the Champions League.

The most fascinating part of this for me is the transfer fee of €100 million. I realize that every transfer market is different, Ronaldo is 33, and PSG felt like they had to extravagantly overpay, but it’s crazy to me that Neymar is viewed as twice as valuable as Ronaldo. Soccer is a young man’s game, but there’s been no drop-off from Ronaldo whatsoever to this point. In many ways he’s getting better, just like Tom Brady or LeBron. I think he’ll stave off a drastic decline through sheer force of will and remain, at the very least, a world class striker for another three or four years. Does anyone have any doubt who’s going to lead Serie A in goals this season? Hint: it’s going to be Ronaldo. All things considered, €100 million for Cristi might turn out to be a massive bargain. I love this for Juventus, and if I’m a Real Madrid fan I don’t think I could ever forgive the Spanish government. Some things are bigger than civic duty, and keeping GOATs happy is one of them.

Brininho’s Den World Cup Thoughts, Business End Edition

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We’re officially in the nitty-gritty of the 2018 World Cup. The cheese is getting a little more binding with each passing moment, and the mere contenders are being separated from the potential champions. You’ll never believe this, but Brazil is looking like the team to beat. When are we going to get the takes that Brazil ruined fútbol by having too many good players? Or is that strictly an NBA complaint? Probably just NBA. Anyway, one team has already secured its place in the semis, and the other three spots will be filled by the end of the day tomorrow. Only a few more games of Cup action left, so make sure to cherish them. World Cup 2022 might never even happen.

  • I think it’s finally time I weigh in on the take that was sweeping the web during the group stage- if you legitimately think watching games on Telemundo is the superior viewing experience I hate you. It’s such a try-hard, “Look at me I just started watching soccer yesterday so I think it’s cool when people go crazy in other languages” move. It’d be like writing a series of blogs about the World Cup despite having inconsistent (at best) soccer coverage during the rest of the year. Saying Telemundo is better is the biggest soccer-noob move out there. Be better.
  • Such a bummer we didn’t get the GOAT-off. Especially after Uruguay pooped themselves against France. If David Stern is really bored in retirement, I’ve got an idea for his next project.
  • After much deliberation, I have decided that, if I ever pull the trigger, the one jersey I’ll buy from this World Cup will be the France white:It’s just so clean, plus the red and blue heather-effect? And the rooster logo? I put that on and I’ll be looking like Oliver Giroud in no time.
  • Japan with one of the worst losses of all time. Just brutal, but at the same time the most predictable outcome of all time. Tough to be the first team Belgium doesn’t fold against when they’re faced with the slightest hint of adversity. Japan is always a sentimental favorite of mine (I think I’ve spoken enough about the various Japanese things I love for that to be apparent), so that was a tough final 30 minutes to watch. I refuse to make the lazy seppuku joke, but you can if you want to.
  • Speaking of Japan, they went semi-viral for leaving the locker room spotless after their loss. Everyone raced to pat them on the back for being classy and respectful, and while I’m sure that’s true, I think they were cleaning out of shock. Sometimes something so crazy happens to you that your brain shuts off and you just start acting out of instinct. I think this loss was so bad every Japanese player decided to clean the locker room because it would give them an escape from the harsh reality that they choked big time.
  • When Xherdan Shaqiri can’t lead you to the quarterfinals against the surprise team of the tournament (R.I.P Xherdan Shaqiri hobbit jokes):
  • England vs. Colombia was amazing because it literally felt like every single player was trying to get ejected. It’s rare to see that type of mutual hatred these days. My favorite part was when it was clear American referee Mark Geiger had no control of the game so a Colombian player would kick the shit out of an England player and act like he was on the Kings during the 2002 Western Conference Finals when he got called for a foul. Love a good ref feud.
  • If Brazil vs. Belgium isn’t the greatest game of all time I might retire from the Internet (not really).
  • If France vs. Brazil/Belgium isn’t the greatest game of all time I might retire from the Internet (not really).
  • If Russia vs. Croatia isn’t the greatest- actually, yeah, never mind on that one.
  • No one’s that surprised that Russia’s benefiting from some favorable whistles, right? Like what ref has the balls to call a penalty against Russia in Russia with five minutes left in extra time? I know I wouldn’t. Russia is also clearly doping/bribing/cheating in some way but I think I love it. Soccer needs a villain and Russia winning the World Cup would be high comedy.
  • Over/under on Neymar rolls for the rest of the tournament has been set at 42.5.
  • Talk about a rollercoaster ride for goalkeepers. For every Kasper Schmeichel miracle save there’s a David de Gea or Fernando Muslera brain fart. Don’t know why anyone would choose to be a goalie.
  • Massive moment- the All Hair Team has officially named its captain:Stunning. Majestic. Pure beauty. Kasper.
  • The Milkshake Duck effect has ruined World Cup superfans. No longer do we get to find a random person the cameras picked up in the group stage, learn all their quirks and charming devotion, and slowly fall in and out of love with them as we discover their terrible Soundcloud and old pictures of them at Nazi rallies. I want my broadcast producers to be less woke.
  • Gabriel Jesus is allergic to scoring goals. He flat out refuses to do it. An interesting strategy for striker, to be sure.
  • Where does Kevin De Bruyne rank among all-time ginger athletes? He has to be above Andy Dalton.
  • Don’t get why anyone would choose to have a short goalkeeper. I get the quickness aspect, but I feel like height and length is such an inherent advantage at that position.
  • Romelu Lukaku not being the best player in the Premier League makes absolutely no sense to be. Guy’s literally got everything.
  • If you still dislike soccer after this World Cup (not saying a die hard fan, just able to say soccer can be fun), you’re just a blind h8r, and hate looks ugly on everyone.

How Many Terrible Movies is LeBron James About to Star In?

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BREAKING- I’ve got a bombshell report on my hands. I’ve been sitting on this for a few days, waiting for confirmation. I wasn’t about to publish what was, at the time, merely conjecture. But now that I’ve heard from a third source I’m comfortable putting this massive news into print: LeBron James is signing with the Lakers. Please credit briansden69.com.

Obviously this is the biggest story of the offseason. Any time the best player in the league joins the marquee franchise in the NBA it’s going to be the talk of the town. There will be plenty of debate over the basketball fit and if this is a finished roster or not, but I don’t care about all that. It’ll be LeBron and a bunch of sometimes good, sometimes bad role players. We’ve seen that before. I’m excited about two things: the first being that it will be fun to hate the Lakers again. As much inescapable pain it causes me, it’s just more enjoyable when the Lakers and Yankees are relevant (people like to include the Cowboys in this, too, but people forget the Cowboys haven’t done anything since 1995). Second, and probably more importantly, we’re about to enter into a Golden Age of terrible LeBron movies.

Ever since Space Jam, the athlete-movie cottage industry completely collapsed. While Shaq is mostly to blame, it’s really disappointing that the once-proud tradition of putting our finest athletes in the center of Hollywood movies. It’s like people decided to only make movies with “trained actors.” Can’t imagine why. My extensive research (whatever’s on the top of my head) says only Thunderstruck and Double Team have used active athletes as anything other than bit cameos or side roles since Space Jam‘s 1996 release. That’s not right. That’s why I’m glad LeBron abandoned Cleveland yet again. Because if I know LeBron, I know he won’t be able to resist those bring Hollywood lights for long.

So, what’s on the docket? After appearing in Trainwreck, surely a few more Judd Apatow joints are already in the works. You’d better believe Adam Sandler won’t miss the once in a lifetime opportunity to make a few Netflix movies with the King. I’m sure Uninterrupted will branch into longer pieces with LeBron at the center. Or maybe they’ll stick with episodic. After all, they made waves with the unprecedented idea of filming guys choppin’ it up in the barbershop. What will they think of next? Maybe a few videos of LeBron driving around his new turf commenting on his journey so far and saying how bad the traffic is on the 405. Or maybe take it inside Casa de James and capture Savannah cooking his favorite meals or something. I don’t know, just spitballing, here. It’s hard to come up with never-before-seen reality TV ideas. One of his kids is still young enough to be strictly in the Kids Movie demo, so he’ll make at least two or three late-career-Eddie-Murphy type movies. And Space Jam 2, of course. No idea how old he is, but have to imagine we’ll have a multi-part series on LeBron, Jr.’s college recruitment. And maybe Bryce catches the movie bug and becomes a filmmaker. Guess old dad will have to be the star of that, too. There’s gotta be an After Earth spinoff with LeBron and his kids, too. The possibilities are endless.

I just can’t wait for all the L.A. related storylines that are gonna come out of this. Who’s LeBron doing lunch with today? Where’s his next meeting? What happens when the only night Nobu has an opening is a big game against the Warriors? What if his family wants to spend the weekend in Santa Monica during the stretch run? I love this. I’m sure the “KD ruined the NBA” crowd has a bunch of poop in their its diaper, but shame on you if you aren’t excited for some of the absolutely ridiculous and melodramatic stories that are going to come of out of LeBron to L.A. Let’s just start the season today.

Brininho’s Den World Cup Thoughts, Round of 16 Edition

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After a truly thrilling couple weeks, we’re done with the group stage of the 2018 World Cup. There were tears, death-defying injury recoveries, ecstasy (perhaps emotional and pharmaceutical, if you catch my drift), and plenty of drama. So much drama, in fact, that I am suffering severe withdrawals from a lack of Cup matches today. Who needs days off? Just power through this thing. Survival of the fittest, and what have you. Surely the Russian government will be more than willing to give up some of its ultra-steroids to keep everyone fit. Anyway, the knockout stages will either continue the excitement or be a dull return to reality. Hard hitting analysis, I know, but it’s true. As we say goodbye to the haters and losers that failed to advance, let’s remember all the good times we had in the group stage and look forward to the teams who are actually good trying to beat each other.

  • I would like to formally petition the English FA and the whatever Belgium’s sports governing body is to refund me for the two hours of my life wasted on watch their “game.” That is why most (stupid) Americans can’t get into soccer.
  • Somehow, either Sweden or Switzerland is guaranteed a quarterfinal spot, and, should England defeat Colombia, could easily make the semifinal. This is an unexpected development and I’m shocked the ghost of Sepp Blatter allowed it to happen.
  • Wait, so it turns out Russia only looks good against the worst teams in the tournament? And that they fold against legitimate competition? Huh???????
  • While I’m not weeping at Germany’s cowardly elimination, I must say it would have been very funny if Mexico had won its first two games and then didn’t advance because they got TROUNCED by a mediocre Sweden team. Whatever, give me more Landon Donovan takes.
  • I honestly don’t know what to make of France. At no point have they looked anything other than total shit, yet I’d be terrified to pick against them. Talent typically finds a way to win in international competitions, so count them out at your own peril.
  • It’s officially #GOATszn, and there’s a universe where both Portugal and Argentina pull off upsets to set up the ultimate GOAT-off in the quarterfinals. I neeeeeeeeed this. I need this more than air to breathe. I just want to say I was alive during what would undoubtedly be the most absurd day in Twitter history. Give me CR7 vs. Messi or give me death.
  • Before we go any further, I’d like to take the time to remember everything we lost during the group stage. Scroll slowly for full effect.

 

 

RIP Hair

  • Quick Golden Boot check- Harry Kane 5, Romelu Lukaku and Cristiano Ronaldo 4, Diego Costa and Denis Cheryshev with 3, many others with 2, Messi with 1. I think Lukaku has the best shot of playing the longest, so logic would favor him. My pre-tournament picks of Timo Werner, Olivier Giroud, Thomas Muller, Robert Lewandowski, and Neymar have combined for 1. Nice.
  • Surprisingly little in the way of negative press about the host country, unlike the last major international sporting event that took place in Russia. I’m guessing it’s because no one complains about trivial things quite like American journalists and America, you know, didn’t make it. Also Putin has probably strong-armed the world media into only saying good things.
  • When Xherdan Shaqiri drags you into the knockout round and you get to face the weakest non-Russia opponentgiphy1
  • OFFICIAL PREDICTIONS FOR EACH GAME:
  • Uruguay-Portugal= Portugal
  • France-Argentina= Argentina (or France if Uruguay wins and takes all the fun out of it)
  • Brazil-Mexico= Brazil
  • Belgium-Japan= Belgium
  • Spain-Russia= Spain
  • Croatia-Denmark= Croatia
  • Sweden-Switzerland= Switzerland
  • Colombia-England= England
  • I retract my former statement about the lack of bad Russia stories, because apparently Marcelo’s injury was caused by his hotel mattress. For shame.
  • Stinks that there’s some big injuries to key players. Marcelo’s back, James Rodriguez’s calf, Neymar’s death, resurrection, death, resurrection, death, and resurrection have really put an asterisk on this tournament.
  • There must be more than one Neymar, because he’s died on the field at least ten times. I mean, some of the hits this guy takes. How can anyone be expected to get back up? But then, before you know it, another Neymar is out there wearing number 10 to take the deceased one’s place. Some crazy science/magic going on here.

Think that does it for this round. I’m practically twitching with anticipation for these knockout games, where Lionel Messi will, without a doubt, score at least four goals every game. It’s his destiny. Just like it’s my destiny to be correct in all matters of football, whether foreign or domestic.

Just Thought of a New Possible Super Team

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During last night’s NBA Awards (which I totally didn’t forget about and definitely watched all of it), a little idea planted itself in my head. A tiny seed of brilliance that didn’t take long to sprout. I finally found a way to take down the Warriors, and it’s by forming a new Super Team. Super Teams are all the rage these days, and you pretty much need one if you want to compete. Luckily, there’s a situation that’s just asking for a new Big Three. Where? Oklahoma City.

The first step is to not re-sign Paul George. Fine player, normally someone you’d want, but we’re after bigger fish, here. Good luck in L.A., Paul!

Sorry, man. We wish you luck in your future endeavors.

Step two is targeting the biggest name in free agency: Kevin Durant. People forget that he’s on the market, so if we come in hot with a juicy offer, we may catch Golden State off-guard. Just offer him the PG max and add in some equity or something. Essentially just give him whatever he wants. Keep dumping non-Steven Adams salaries until it works. Once we’ve teamed up KD with Russell Westbrook, we’re an automatic darkhorse.

Who wouldn’t want to play with Westbrook?

The final step will be the hardest to pull off, but we’ll find a way. We call up the last new Super Team on the block, the Houston Rockets. We say, “hey, we notice it didn’t totally work out for you last season. Didn’t for us, either. How about we both shake things up a bit? We’ll give you Carmelo Anthony’s expiring contract, our next 10 first round picks, and whatever end of the bench guys you want to make the contracts match up for James Harden. How about it?” And then they’ll obviously say yes, leaving us with a core of Westbrook, Durant, and Harden. Three of the last five MVPs. Has any team ever had three players who won MVPs on their roster? I doubt it. I know for a fact this team can take the Warriors. Probably sweep the East team, to boot. I don’t know, I think I just solved the NBA. I’ll take my Executive of the Year award, now.

Brininho’s Den World Cup Thoughts pt. 2

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The World Cup is trudging on, and the Round of 16 picture is becoming clearer. Many of the favorites have already clinched, some teams that faced scares are fighting back while others (Argentina) are wilting. The race for the Golden Boot is heating up and could (I repeat, could) theoretically be contested all the way to the Final. Anyway, here’s another round of Cup Thoughts.

  • Can we just take a second to appreciate the fact that we’re currently living at the same time as the two undisputed (to anyone who isn’t Pele) G.O.A.T.s? Think about how preposterous that is. It’s one thing for it to happen in American-centric sports like football or basketball. But for the two best players in futbol history to enter their primes at the exact same time is amazing. And I know in the age of Twitter and takes you can’t like both, but I’m going to take a stand and say that I love both Ronaldo and Messi with all my heart. Yes, I am #TeamMessi, and yes, it’s a rough patch right now, but how people limit their enjoyment of these two wonderfully skilled and unique players just because they’ve decided to make their Twitter background a picture of one of them is baffling to me. It’s not a perfect comparison, but imagine not allowing yourself to like Steph Curry just because you love LeBron. Why would you do that to yourself? Ronaldo is the ultimate physical marvel- speed, power, athleticism combined with an obsessive drive to improve his already flawless technique. Messi is a wizard who controls the ball through telekinesis and never looks like he’s breaking a sweat. Ronaldo fanboys are certainly the more vocal of the two factions, but why would you rob yourself of the pleasure of enjoying both of them? Makes no sense.
  • That being said, it’s not fair that Cristiano can just start experimenting with typically terrible looks and pull them off perfectly
  • Speaking of new facial hair, I’m kind of feeling Luis Suarez’s bearded swole/thicc look he’s got going on.
  • I’m so happy Nigeria beat Iceland and kept Argentina alive, if only because the takes that would have come out of an inevitable Messi hat-trick after being eliminated would have increased the Greenhouse Effect by at least 75%.
  • The font Adidas is using on their player names STINKS. Like, who approved this?That says Brandt, if you can’t tell. The letters all look the same, the 1s are the same as 7s, it’s just a mess. And most of the actual jerseys are good, too. Just ruined by a stupid font.
  • I’m writing this in the midst of Spain vs. Morocco which may render this moot, but I need some more red cards in my life. Everything has been too nice. Back in my day, the players weren’t all buddy-buddy and actually competed with each other and fouls were allowed and players didn’t take all these 3 pointers and- whoops, sorry. Slipped into my “old basketball guy” schtick again. I confess that my otherwise extensive footy knowledge doesn’t include what old, bitter players and fans say about today’s generation of players (has to be some variation of soft and pampered), but I would like to see more players lose their heads. Handballs don’t count.
  • Piggybacking off that, I have officially put all my life savings on “Neymar to get himself ejected the first time someone touches him because he feels like throwing a temper tantrum” at -200
  • R.I.P. Mo Salah
  • Harry Kane should not be a high level professional athlete. He’s got 99% dock worker DNA but somehow wound up with the gene that produces world-class strikers. Why couldn’t that have been me?
  • Now that Russia played a good team and lost, France has to be the worst-looking team that’s won both games. Do they know the World Cup started already?
  • Meanwhile, Peru goes balls-to-the-wall for 180 minutes, has the worst luck ever, and is already out. Sports are cruel.
  • It’s not exclusive to soccer, but I love when players crowd the ref and start yelling at him after he makes a call they don’t like as if that will change anything. One day he’ll change the call, guys, keep trying!
  • Ronaldo just missed a penalty so, buy law, Messi is the G.O.A.T. again.
  • Exciting win for Germany and they’ll obviously wind up advancing, but this team has Quarterfinal exit written all over it.
  • It’s funny how, considering the likely bracket, Belgium and England would choke by winning their matchup, as opposed to their preferred methods of choking, losing to inferior opponents/losing in penalties. Sometimes you just can’t have it your way.
  • Folks, I can’t understand it, but some players are still flopping. I’m just as surprised as all of you.
  • When Xherdan Shaqiri scores a last second goal that likely clinches your spot in the Round of 16.
  • I’m surprised Ronaldo was able to score a goal when this man was patrolling the opposite sideline.Guess he just needed to establish his dominance. Although I’m not sure the perfectly maintained Cristiano Ronaldo can compete with Hervé Renard’s rugged handsomeness. He looks like he could give a dissertation on regional wine varieties while simultaneously captaining a sailboat while somehow also tilling the land on his olive farm. I’d ask what cologne he uses but I know his own natural musk is aphrodisiac enough.
  • I know this is Ronaldo heavy but I can’t help it. He’s lucky (i.e., FIFA just pulled a Stern to make sure he didn’t get suspended) he didn’t get a red for his high elbow.
  • I said I liked VAR but I think I might be out. It’s good that it happens so short, but if you never use it or just ignore blatant errors without going back to fix them what’s the point?
  • I’m out on Spain. They seem so mentally fragile. When Diego Costa is holding your team together with a cool head that’s a bad sign.
  • I would never paint my face to go to a game if I wasn’t 10000000000% I was going to like the outcome. Can’t be caught being sad face paint guy.

Think that’s all I have for now. This World Cup has been pretty darn good so far, and should only get better. Here’s hoping for another three weeks of greatness.

2018 NBA Draft Preview

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It’s that time of year again. The first day of summer, yes, but more importantly, it’s NBA Draft night. I think my favorite thing about the NBA Draft is how it happens a week after the season ends. What a novel concept! If only the NFL could learn from that. I guess they couldn’t keep up the illusion that there’s no off-season, then. Anyway, the NBA Draft is great television. There’s drama, there’s comedy, there’s some great suits and some bad suits, there’s lots of fun to be had on Twitter, and there’s terrible Kings decisions. What’s not to love? Unfortunately, a long streak is about to be broken, as this will be the first time in at least ten years where I will be unable to watch the draft live. I won’t even have access to my phone for the majority of it. :(. Local pizza places are lucky that they get the night off. But before you weep for me too much, you should know that my extensive network of NBA sources have already informed me of everything that will happen, so nothing will surprise me. Still, even without the typical drama, there’s still plenty to talk about.

Worst Things the Kings Will Do

  • Draft Michael Porter, Jr. 2nd overall- Back injuries always heal perfectly, especially when they start so young.
  • Drafting Marvin Bagley 2nd overall- Offensive savant, rebounding beast, doesn’t play a lick of D. Man, the Kings definitely haven’t had anyone like that in a while. And if they theoretically did have someone like that, they obviously had a long and healthy relationship with them.
  • Drafting Mo Bamba 2nd overall- Exclusive video of Mo Bamba’s explosive private workout.
  • Not drafting Luka Doncic 2nd overall- Hold this thought.
  • Doing anything- Let’s be honest. The Kings should be either be seized by the league or just contracted.

Players I Like

  • Luka Doncic, Slovenia- Having watched precisely 3 highlight videos, I’m all-in on Luka. By all-in I think he’ll be a very good NBA player, make a couple All Star teams, and be really fun to watch. I don’t want him ruined.
  • Deandre Ayton, Arizona- Strong take, I know.
  • Marvin Bagley, Duke- As long as it’s not Sacramento.
  • Kevin Knox, Kentucky- Fat face aside, he’s a really good modern scorer.
  • Mo Bamba, Texas- I’m always hesitant to buy into workout-hype, but it seems like, if nothing else, it’ll be impossible for him not to be a defensive force.
  • Mikal Bridges, Villanova- Won’t be a star, but is a perfect role player.
  • Trae Young, Oklahoma- Count me among those who think shooting will be easier when he has good teammates.
  • Lonnie Walker IV, Miami- Could be a steal, could be out of the league in four years. In the late lottery I’ll gladly take that chance.

Trades That Could Happen

  • Kawhi to the Sixers
  • Kawhi to the Celtics
  • Kawhi to the Lakers
  • Kawhi to the Suns?
  • Celtics move up to take Bamba or Luka
  • Kings trade 2nd overall for Nene
  • Mavs trade down because they think they’re one piece away
  • Kemba traded to Cavs or Sixers (please not Cavs. LeBron already screwed over one of my college heroes, don’t need him to abandon the other one, too)

Places I Want Doncic to Go

  • Not Sacramento
  • Any NBA franchise no located in NoCal
  • Atlanta
  • Boston
  • Any team that doesn’t have purple as a primary color
  • Not Sacramento
  • Not Dallas

Players I Like Less

  • Michael Porter, Jr., Mizzou- That back, man.
  • Jerome Robinson, BC- Anytime a Boston College basketball player is an unexpected late riser, I’m out 100% of the time.
  • Collin Sexton, Alabama- He’s just like Russell Westbrook, only four inches shorter, way less athletic, and a worse shooter! Sign me up!
  • Miles Bridges, Michigan State- What is he actually good at?
  • Mo Bamba, Texas- If he goes to Sacramento might as well just make him retire tomorrow.

Who Will Be Best Dressed (Could Backfire Since I Have No Idea Who’s Wearing What)

  • Luka Doncic- You know he’ll have that Euro style.
  • Collin Sexton- Purely because he won’t want anyone to say someone was better dressed than him.
  • Wendell Carter, Jr.- Just feel like he’ll have some heat.
  • Any Puma guy- I think I’m on-board the Puma hype train. I, too, am declaring my eligibility for a Puma sponsorship. Don’t know how they haven’t given Doncic a 51% controlling stake in the company to try and sign him, yet. I’m pretty sure every Eastern European baby is born into a Puma swaddling blanket.

Who Will Be Worst Dressed

  • Trae Young- Unless he shaves his head that hair eliminates him from contention.
  • Michael Porter, Jr.- If anyone’s going to try something crazy and not pull it off, it’s MPJ.
  • Donte DiVincenzo- It’s not his fault. It’s just his role as the token white guy.
  • Robert Williams- I’m probably 100% wrong but I don’t see him as fashionable.
  • Jerome Robinson- Just do yourself a favor and don’t draft Jerome Robinson.

Since I Haven’t Mentioned Him Yet

  • Jaren Jackson, Jr., Michigan State- Pretty lukewarm on him.

Teams Guaranteed to Make Smart Moves

  • Golden State
  • Boston
  • Miami

Teams Guaranteed to Make Dumb Moves

  • Sacramento
  • Dallas
  • Kings
  • Orlando
  • Vlade Divac

Late First Round/ Second Round Guys I Like

  • Jalen Brunson, Villanova
  • Bruce Brown, Miami
  • Malik Newman, Kansas
  • Devonte’ Graham, Kansas
  • Gary Trent, Jr., Duke
  • Landry Shamet, Wichita State

Most Perfect Player Fits

  • Luka Doncic to Phoenix Suns
  • Mikal Bridges to Philadelphia 76ers
  • Trae Young to Atlanta Hawks
  • Wendell Carter to Chicago Bulls
  • Kevin Knox to Denver Nuggets
  • Mo Bamba to Boston Celtics
  • Michael Porter, Jr. to Sacramento Kings
  • Jaren Jackson, Jr. to Memphis Grizzlies

Think that’s about all I got. Could be a huge night that shakes up the balance of (second-place) power in the NBA, could be a regular draft without any big moves. Either way, there’s one thing that’s certain: whoever the Kings take is going to be a bust.

Should the Celtics Trade for Kawhi Leonard?

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Guys, have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Kawhi Leonard, Finals MVP, two time Defensive Player of the Year, two time All Star, four time All-Defense, and top five player in the NBA, is officially up for grabs. He wants out of San Antonio, and the Spurs essentially have zero leverage. And, by saying they won’t trade him to a Western Conference team, there’s really only like three teams with the means to trade for him. As always, one of them is the Celtics.

Would trading for Kawhi be a good idea? Yes, it would be nice to add a top five guy. In a vacuum, if a two-time runner-up for MVP is available in his prime, you pull the trigger a million times out of a million. But we don’t live in a vacuum. There are lots of other variables at play, the biggest being Kawhi’s impending free agency. He can opt out after next season, meaning any deal without a signed extension a massive risk. If you’re okay with renting one of the best players in the league for one year to see what happens, that’s fine, but Kawhi seems pretty dead-set on going to L.A. where he can finally let his “personality” shine. Injuries were obviously a factor, but he just showed he has no qualms in throwing an entire season away. Who’s to say he doesn’t just say he’s still hurt if he gets traded somewhere other than Los Angeles? Or what if he just doesn’t try? It seems preposterous to be talking about Kawhi Leonard, basketball robot, like he’s some petulant child, but that’s what happens when you spend an entire season acting like Dwight Howard when he doesn’t get enough sugar.

But let’s assume he plays 100% and is at least open to re-signing. What would the Spurs actually want from the Celtics? Celtics could have four first round picks next season, including the Kings’, so you would have to assume multiple would be involved. Having lived the lottery-drama life for a few years, now, I think I’d be more than happy giving that up. But the Spurs aren’t some rinky-dink organization, so players would have to be involved, as well. Kyrie Irving is probably the easiest one-for-one trade candidate, but I don’t know if that would really work for either team. It would leave the Celtics without a backup point guard besides Shane Larkin (yes, I know that’s something you can figure out if you acquire Kawhi Leonard), and I’m not sure how well Kyrie would really fit in with the Spurs heavily structured system. Pop has said he’s likely to retire soon. Would he really want to spend the last of his legendary career trying to get an award winning piano soloist to fit in with a symphony? I’m guessing not. Gordon Hayward’s name has been thrown out, too, but I also doubt the validity of that. People will say it would set a bad precedent to trade someone after he played five minutes for your team, but I think players would forget about that if the Celtics wind up winning titles. I really just don’t think the Spurs would want him. The front office has to think past the Pop era. Trading Kawhi for an older, worse version seems like an odd move for a team likely to enter into a rebuilding process. Aside from the various role players that would be added to make the contracts work, that leaves Jayson Tatum, Jaylen Brown, and Terry Rozier as the most likely Spurs targets. Terry would be the easiest to part with, but who’s to say he won’t be one of the most valuable sixth men in the league next season? Who’s to say Tatum won’t average 18-20 points a game as a 20-year-old? Jaylen took a massive jump from year one to year two. The very player he would be traded for made numerous leaps even when everyone said he was capped out. Why are we just assuming Jaylen can’t do the same? Not to mention both Tatum and Brown are under control for three or four more seasons, as opposed to the likely one year of Kawhi. I know I’m a homer and I know the microwave approach works way more often when it comes to NBA contenders than going low and slow, but this team made it to game 7 of the conference finals and is adding Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward. Do they really need to shake things up when it’s still unclear what the East landscape will look like in three weeks? Sure, trading for Kawhi immediately establishes you as the top dog in the East, but what about when he leaves and you’re left with no draft picks and young stars? I’m not convinced a lineup of Kyrie-Hayward-Kawhi-Tatum/Brown-Horford beats the Warriors, either.

So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m officially out on a Celtics-Kawhi trade. I don’t want to deal with the headaches that come along with trying to sign a disgruntled star who has a set destination in mind, I don’t want to sell the farm for a rental, and I definitely don’t want to sell the farm when it’s not for a guaranteed championship. So let the Sixers build their SuperTeam. I’m content with going the old fashioned route.