Always knew I had an exact replica who wanted to kill me.
Rating: ✂️✂️✂️✂️✂️✂️✂️✂️
Farewell Ichiro
Ichiro exits in the 8th inning to a standing ovation in the Tokyo Dome. 👏
#MLB開幕戦 pic.twitter.com/uXtp0mQkuv— MLB (@MLB) March 21, 2019
Legend. pic.twitter.com/CgnaEpmLYP
— Seattle Mariners (@Mariners) March 21, 2019
There is crying in baseball. #MLB開幕戦 pic.twitter.com/12JtZZsyD6
— MLB (@MLB) March 21, 2019
You’d be forgiven for not knowing that the 2019 MLB season actually started yesterday when the Mariners and A’s began a two-game set in Tokyo. That sentence doesn’t exactly move the needle for the American mainstream. But something monumental happened early this morning: Ichiro Suzuki, future Hall of Famer, played his last Major League Baseball game.
It’s tough to know where to start with Ichiro, especially for people who don’t remember his prime. I guess I’ll start with his numbers since they’re the only part of him that’s easy to quantify. He came to the MLB at age 27 after getting 1,278 hits with a .943 OPS in Japan and immediately won Rookie of the Year and MVP. His first 10 seasons in the league he made the All-Star Game every year, got over 200 hits every year, won a Gold Glove every year, won two batting titles, lead the league in hits seven times, and collected 2,244 hits and 383 steals. He was a beast and one of the best two-way outfielders in history who was underappreciated in his prime because he played in Seattle for a team that didn’t win a lot and in the early-to-mid 2000s we still didn’t really understand that counting wins and losses against a baseball player was kind of dumb. In 2004 guy set the record for hits in a season, won a Gold Glove, and lead the American League in WAR and finished 7th in MVP. Huh? Listen, the last eight years or so weren’t great, but the fact that he was still playing at all into his 40s is amazing. He’s the all-time hit leader if you combine his Japanese and MLB stats, and that’s really all you need to know. He’s a no-doubt, first ballot Hall of Famer.
But if he was just another great player, he wouldn’t be Ichiro. Ichiro was just cool, man. Everything about him was cooler than everyone else around him. Fastest guy in the league? Cool. Absolute rocket arm that could gun people down at age 45? Cool. Unreal highlight catches? Cool. His sunglasses were cool. His stance was cool. The Mariners Ichiro number 51 jersey was cool as hell. Was he also a fashion icon?
I’ll let you decide.
Ichiro, at least for me, is kind of the last remnant of a time I’m finding myself oddly nostalgic for (despite spending many, many words defending the current era). Ichiro came into the league two years before Moneyball was released and put us on the road to solving baseball. It was a time when speed mattered, guys actually put the ball in play, and teams had different styles of play. A time when the Three True Outcomes weren’t a widely-known concept. Don’t get me wrong, I love today’s game. But are steals and balls in play really that bad (don’t tell anyone, but I’m starting to feel this way about the NBA, too. I don’t need every game to be a Rockets game)? I wouldn’t say Ichiro wouldn’t be able to succeed in today’s homer-centric league, he’s too talented of a baseball player not to be able to adapt to any era. But his career would certainly be different, and I think it would be worse.
One of the best player profiles I’ve ever read was Wright Thompson’s piece on Ichiro from last year. He described Ichiro’s relationship with his father and how, even though he resented the endless drills and practicing, he became addicted to the craft. There’s a Japanese concept called kodawari (yes, I’m a mild weeb, but you already knew that) that’s, in essence, an extreme focus on and dedication to achieving perfection in whatever you’re doing even though you know perfection is impossible. To see Ichiro demonstrate this so clearly and come so close to finding perfection with something he doesn’t even really like is fascinating to me. Part of me wonders if we’ll ever really see Ichiro again, but something tells me he’s going to enjoy his retirement too much to come back to the game. Thnks fr th Mmrs, Ichiro.
The Only Guide You’ll Need for March Madness 2019
Folks,,, it’s March Madness time. Crazy how it happens around the same time every year. The first weekend is my favorite four day stretch of the year, it’s your favorite four days of the year, it’s everyone’s favorite four days of the year. It’s a time to eat infinite amounts of pizza, wings, and snacks, drink as much beer as you want, and let your brain and body turn to mush as you watch a million consecutive hours of college basketball. The comedown from this high is something I imagine heroin users deal with when trying to get clean. Maybe not that bad, but still.
I’ve made it a tradition over the last couple years to give one-sentence primers for every team in the field to help with your brackets. I’ll do the same here, obviously, but there’s one problem: I’m so out of the loop with college basketball this year. I’ve hardly watched any. I’m busy most nights and then the NBA is more interesting and UConn is the worst team in D1 and there are a million other factors, but I’m the guy that’s tuning in for his first extended run of college b-ball watching this weekend. Only difference between me and the other casual Johnny-Come-Latelys is that my brain is big enough to put together a perfect preview without the full knowledge. I can always see the full board, and I know these teams better than they know themselves even though I don’t know them at all. Just think about how impressive that is. So don’t worry. You’re still in good hands. Yearly reminder that if you’re making earnest “Where’s TruTV?” jokes or legitimately can’t find a television channel in the year of our Lord 2019, you don’t deserve to live anymore.
East Region
- Duke– Zion Williamson, am I right?
- Michigan State– Every single player on their team is hurt so don’t expect much.
- LSU– Their coach is being investigated by the FBI and is suspended, so things are going great.
- Virginia Tech– Buzz Williams coached Jimmy Butler, people forget that.
- Mississippi State– Alright, like, come on, Mississippi State is the worst 5 seed in history.
- Maryland– One of the youngest teams in the field so they’ll make you feel really good about your life.
- Louisville– Feel like they’re due for a run (#analysis).
- VCU– VCU will always be somewhere between an 8-10 seed and always run the same full-court press regardless of roster or coach.
- UCF– Tacko Fall is 7’6″, which my sources are confirming is quite tall.
- Minnesota– No word on if Richard Pitino reaches climax as quickly as his father.
- Belmont– Belmont should have been in the regular field without dealing with play-in game antics.
- Liberty– People forget Seth Curry went to Liberty his freshman year and averaged 20 a game.
- Saint Louis– Remember a few years ago when Saint Louis was randomly good for a few seasons? What was up with that?
- Yale– I will die fighting against people who frame Ivy League teams as plucky underdogs.
- Bradley– I respect the delusion it takes to strip a reporter of his press pass for not advancing the Bradley brand enough.
- N.C. Central/North Dakota State– Why are there two play-in games in the same bracket and why is there a Midwest region instead of a North region and why does no one but me care?
Midwest Region
- North Carolina– I know they’ve got a few NBA guys on the team, but when did UNC lose all its star power? They haven’t had any must-watch guys in years.
- Kentucky– Please let Tyler Herro hit a game-winning shot so we can have a pun-pocalypse.
- Houston– I know they’re a fellow AAC team but if you actually believe they can do anything in the tournament I’ve got a few bridges to sell you.
- Kansas– Kansas STINKS this year but they’re still somehow the last team I’d want to play.
- Auburn– Their strategy is “shoot a billion 3s,” which I respect on a deep level.
- Iowa State– Somehow three guys from this team will be in the NBA in four years.
- Wofford– They’ll be the trendy upset pick because people like college teams with a bunch of white guys who can shoot.
- Utah State– I’m kind of feeling them this year even though I don’t love their draw.
- Washington– I assume they’re still handsomely paying elite athletes under-the-table (or over-the-table, I don’t think they really care) to put on the purple and gold.
- Seton Hall– Seton Hall sounds like an English soccer stadium name.
- Ohio State– It’s always kind of stupid when teams like Ohio State get seeded so low because, like, they’ve gotta have better players than Utah State.
- New Mexico State– Pascal Siakam went to New Mexico State, bet not many people knew that.
- Northeastern– I took a tour of Northeastern when either my sister or I was touring colleges so there’s that.
- Georgia State– Still got R.J. Hunter, right?
- Abilene Christian– Abilene Christian always pops up every few years and does absolutely nothing in the tournament.
- Iona– They’re my local team, now.
South Region
- Virginia– Can’t really get worse, can it?
- Tennessee– Grant Williams is giving me major “Derrick Williams in 2011” vibes (that’s a good thing).
- Purdue– First Man came out just before the season, which should propel Purdue to their typical second-round exit.
- Kansas State– Super boring. That’s really all you need to know.
- Wisconsin– The year is 2187, and Wisconsin basketball is led by two white guys with buzzcuts who like to take charges.
- Villanova– Spent long stretches of the season being absolutely awful but count them out at your own risk.
- Cincinnati– If it wasn’t reckless libel, I would probably imply that Mick Cronin’s absurd outbursts of anger and violence on the sidelines likely follow him home.
- Ole Miss– If you told me Ole Miss didn’t play one basketball game this season I would have believed you.
- Oklahoma– If you told me Oklahoma didn’t play one basketball game this season I would have believed you.
- Iowa– What’s the post-WWII record for most white guys in one region?
- St. Mary’s– St. Mary’s has never been anything other than an 11 seed.
- Oregon– Bol Bol won’t be playing, so the one guy you might have known is out the window.
- UC Irvine– Doc Rivers and Caron Butler both have kids on this team, how about that?
- Old Dominion– Love coach Jeff Jones. Who? Jeff Jones. Who? Jeff Jones. Who? Haha, no, we have fun here.
- Colgate– You have my permission to slap anyone who makes toothpaste jokes.
- Garnder-Webb– I don’t know, man. They’re gonna lose, who cares?
West Region
- Gonzaga– They have the most high-level players in the country, so expect them to lose before the Elite Eight because that’s how the Tournament works.
- Michigan– I’m pretty sure I’d be like, the third best scorer on this Michigan team.
- Texas Tech– Veteran team with at least one NBA guy= Elite Eight.
- Florida State– No idea how Florida State always has ten 7’2″ guys but they do.
- Marquette– Markus Howard is going to be your new favorite player (assuming he gets hot and they win).
- Buffalo– How do you convince a bunch of good basketball players to go to school in Buffalo? Just money?
- Nevada– Nevada was supposed to be super nasty this year. They weren’t.
- Syracuse– Sources have yet to confirm if Tony Stewart will be behind the Orange bench.
- Baylor– Teams that win nineteen games shouldn’t be in the Tournament.
- Florida– Teams that win nineteen games shouldn’t be in the Tournament.
- Arizona State/St. John’s– Does Arizona State just have a permanent spot in the First Four?
- Murray State– Ja Morant is good.
- Vermont– Committee screwed my Cats with this matchup. Trying to keep the Blue Bloods down smh.
- Northern Kentucky– Northern Kentucky is nicknamed the Norse after the famed Norse from Northern Kentucky.
- Montana– I bet Montana is a nice place to live.
- Fairleigh Dickinson– Really dislike the way Fairleigh is spelled.
We Need to Bring Back Last Name Only Movie Posters
After watching Triple Frontier the other day I went through my typical review prep, which primarily consists of Googling “X Movie Poster,” and this image came across my field of vision:
I cannot tell you how happy it made me. No, not because everyone is lined up with their name. Not because of the nice use of negative space. Not because it’s just five actors that I like and that all look like combinations of the other actors on the poster. It’s because they went Last Name Only.
Last Name Only movie posters are a lost art; a relic of the mid-90s when every movie had at least two action stars headlining. A reminder of a time when 48% of a movie’s budget was spent on explosions. Take a look at this and tell me it doesn’t make you 100% more pumped up to see Double Team:
I just love this whole aesthetic, man. Every single Last Name Only poster is for a movie about someone who was the best at what he did and now just wants to be left alone, getting the crew back together for one last job, two opposites teaming up to fight a common enemy, or, most likely, some combination of the three (Triple Frontier had elements of the first two throughout). It’s funny, it’s badass, it’s absurdly self-serious and over-the-top but also self-aware, it’s my favorite movie poster trope.
Not everyone can pull it off, however. You wouldn’t see a movie if the poster said, like, CERA and EISENBERG. There’s gotta be some oomph to it. Wesley Snipes went through a nice little LNO run-
Al Pacino got in the mix with the rare Non-Action Movie LNO:
Alpha move going LNO but having Sean Penn’s full name on the bottom.
But, of course, it’s all about the Big Three. JCVD, Arnold, and Sly. Sly invented it and quickly passed it on to his friends. Just look at some of these beauties:
JCVD flat-out refused to put his full name on his posters and I respect it so much.
Arnold going LNO ten thousand times and never going with the easier to spell Arnold is the ultimate power move.
The original LNO
No idea how Tango & Cash wasn’t LNO. Massive missed opportunity.
As you can see, LNO movie posters are the pinnacle of movie poster design. It’s not a coincidence that the LNO era was also the Golden Age of tag lines. I suppose we don’t see much LNO anymore because it reached its natural conclusion with Expendables and Expendables 2:
But the first era of LNO posters ending just means it’s time for the second era to begin. I think Affleck is the best candidate to take over and drag us into the new age. He’s got the perfect combination of distinctive name, distinctive look, and no real aspirations for higher art (at least not anymore). Oscar Isaac flirts too much with Oscar movies to fully commit to LNO life, and the other three just aren’t big enough. Gotta be Affleck. Triple Frontier was the first step. Now he just needs to build on it. Team up with Matt Damon again and go LNO. Make a couple action movies over the next five or six years and go LNO. Soon enough, it’ll be back in style. Just have to keep it away from Dylan O’Brien.
Triple Frontier Review
I was expecting Expendables 4 and got…. a pretty decent survival movie?
Rating: 💵💵💵💵💵💵💵
How is there a Torii Hunter, Jr. in Spring Training Already?
I was perusing my MLB At Bat™ mobile application this weekend just getting ready for the upcoming baseball season and catching up on Spring Training storylines when I was slapped directly in the face by what has to be a false flag headline. I’m paraphrasing here, but it said something along the lines of “Torii Hunter, Jr. Powers Angels.” I immediately knew this to be incorrect, since there is no possible way that Torri Hunter, former All-Star centerfielder who retired in 2015 already has progeny in the professional baseball ranks. But, sadly, I then remembered that I already knew about THJ because he played football at Notre Dame. Following a minor breakdown where I was questioning my own transience, I began to accept this preposterous fact that Torii Hunter, who had his first MLB at-bat in 1998, had a son that was fighting for a major league spot (he’s only three and a half years younger than me, though, so maybe I’ve still got some time to make the show).
Anyway, all of this got me thinking about athlete’s sons (and daughters, too. It’s 2019, after all) and what leads to them being good or not. This isn’t an original thought, but the quality of the offspring is almost always inversely related to the parent’s ability, and Torii Hunter might have been a little too good to produce a quality major league baseball player. MJ’s kids? Stunk at basketball. LeBron’s kids have yet to make the NBA. Roger Clemens’s kids are all coaches now. They can’t be too bad, though. The sweet spot is role player to quality player. Dell Curry’s kid is good. Bobby Bonds and Ken Griffey, Sr. both had sons make the major leagues. Pat Mahomes, Sr. has a professional athlete son. The lone exception seems Vlad Guerrero, Jr., but they always say the exception proves the rule, which is a concept that makes no sense whatsoever because if a rule is something that is always true, how could the existence of something that proves the rule isn’t always true actually prove that the rule is always true? But yeah, thinking about which athletes would make the best kid. Here are my top nominees:
Robert Swift– I’ve said it before, but the time Robert Swift showed up one day with two full tattoo sleeves was one of the most shocking moments in NBA history. He sucked but had prototypical NBA size. If he can pass down that size and his son learns the 2019 big man skill set, we could be looking at the ginger Porzingis. The biggest hurdle may be finding a willing partner.
Matt Stafford– If you can’t imagine Matt Stafford, Jr. having a 6,000 yard season at Oklahoma State in 2042 then we just aren’t watching the same sport.
Jim Furyk– Couldn’t tell you why, but I imagine Furyk’s son as a real mean outside linebacker.
Malcolm Brogdon– I’m gonna go a different direction, here. Malcolm Brogdon’s daughter is going to be a five- or six-time WNBA All-Star (yeah, I saw Captain Marvel on International Women’s Day, nbd).
Juan Pierre– Juan Pierre’s kids are going to be absolutely nasty at baseball. Just disgustingly filthy. A 50-50 season might be on the table.
Tom Brady– Come on, you think Tom’s seed isn’t magic?
Captain Marvel Review
I’m officially proclaiming Samuel L Jackson to be the Most Underrated Actor of All Time.
Rating: 🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱
A Madea Family Funeral Review
Please don’t ask me why I saw this movie.
Rating: ⚰️
Blayze on the Beach 2019
After weeks of embedded reporting, our documentary team is finally ready to publish their explosive investigation into Blayze on the Beach 2019, the Greatest Party the Never Was. The levels of delusion, neglect, and incompetence shown by everyone involved in this disaster are enough to shake your belief in the human race forever. Though we want to encourage worldly knowledge and freedom of information, we must warn you: the following footage is not suited for everyone. Viewer discretion is advised.
Crullers Are So Underrated
This is kind of random but I was thinking about this all weekend and I needed to post it here. We, as a society, don’t give crullers enough respect. There are a million different varieties, but I’m not talking about the fancy French twists or the ones that are just sticks. I’m talking about the twisted ones that are essentially just long donuts. Nice and doughy and covered in cinnamon sugar. I think they’re more of a New England thing than anything else, but, as with most things, New England is at the top of the mountain when it comes to breakfast foods. It’s time they go more mainstream.
Honestly, they’re more practical than traditional donuts. If you’re a donut dunker, the rod is much easier to dip than the circle. The stick fits any cup opening, the wheel leaves you to the whims of fate. What if the cup isn’t big enough to accommodate a fresh, unbitten donut? If you’re a dunker (I’m not because, as always, I’m mentally strong enough to eat foods without dipping them in anything), this has to be an issue. You’ve already committed to eating the donut slathered in coffee au jus, but the first bite, the most important bite, might wind up either dry or inadequately covered. That’s devastating. Crullers eliminate this. They have yet to develop a non-novelty cup that a cruller can’t fit into. Crullers were made for dipping. That’s why they’re on this planet. To be dipped in your morning coffee (or, in my case, to be eaten in under ten seconds sans joe).
They’re also easier to eat. You know what’s an annoying micro-decision? After you take the first bite of donut you have to pick which direction you’re going to eat in. Crullers you take the first bite and then the second bite is in the exact same place as the first one. Life is hard enough without your food making you think twice about where to bite next. Because there is a wrong answer, and you usually can tell right away. It differs from donut to donut, but if you go left when the universe intended for you to go right, it’s gonna ruin your eating experience. The only choice you need to make with crullers is how many to eat.
Crullers also taste better. When you get those bits of twist where the cinnamon sugar penetrated real deep, it’s like seeing the Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter has multiple baskets of crullers under his desk at all times, they’re the only things that keep him going. Regular cinnamon sugar donuts are obviously Hall of Fame level, but Tom Brady and Eli Manning are both Hall of Famers, too. Doesn’t mean they’re in the same class. Crullers take everything that make donuts good and improves on it. Better with coffee, better on the go, better period. It’s time for the cruller boom.
I swear this isn’t just an ad for McDonald’s new Donut Sticks.
Brian's Den 