Author: Brian

The Day of Reckoning is Here

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At long last we have arrived. Zero Hour. Judgement Day. The beginning of the End. The Four Horsemen have been set loose. The seven trumpeters are blowing their horns and the Seventh Seal has been broken. The rivers have become red with blood and hellfire rains down from above. The Beast is gathering the people before him, devouring all that are weak enough to join his accursed ranks. Heaven is preparing it’s angels for the coming battle against the forces of darkness. Now is the time all must face judgement for what they have done in life and answer for their sins and transgressions. Tonight is truly the hour of reckoning. Tonight is the NBA Draft Lottery.

Everything the Celtics have done for the last five years has lead up to this. Every trade, every non-trade, every signing, every draft pick, every heavily criticized move by the legion of foolish fans who called for win-now moves instead of using their brains. Every time GM Danny Ainge has shown patience (much to my delight) in the face of overwhelming opposition. Finally, the Nets Picks will gain corporeal form.

I’d call tonight, where the Celtics have the best odds of coming away with the number one overall pick, the most important moment in Celtics History, but that’d be an insult to last night’s Kelly Olynyk show. All the moves that have been setting up a glorious future can start to take shape tonight and June 22nd, the night of the draft. All I want is for the Celtics to get the number one pick. That’s literally all I’ve ever wanted for this season. I didn’t really care how far they went in the playoffs. Them making the Conference Finals is just a pleasant surprise. But I’m worried last night’s win over the Wizards and the suddenly mute John Wall used up all of their good juju (quick Conference Finals thoughts: worst case scenario is that the Celtics win two games against Cleveland. I know they have no shot of winning the series so don’t get my hopes up whatsoever. And I don’t even really want them in the Finals because I don’t want them to get punked by the Warriors, who are going to absolutely toast the Spurs after Zaza “It was just an accident, I swear” Pachulia took out Kawhi). You can’t make the Conference Finals and get the number one pick. I’m more mentally prepared for the number four pick than I am the number one. I mean, the Celtics are the best franchise in NBA history at two things: winning titles and getting screwed in the lottery. Kevin Durant should have been stabbing the Celtics in the back to join the Warriors this offseason, not the Thunder. Tim Duncan should have had his number retirement ceremony in Boston, not San Antonio. Len Bias should still be alive. Add in the fact that the team with the worst record has won the lottery two straight years and things are looking grim. Then add in the fact that if the Lakers’ pick is outside of the top 3, they lose it to Philadelphia and somehow also lose their 2019 first round pick to Orlando, and Magic Johnson is going to be in attendance. I know Stern is “retired,” but this is still the NBA we’re talking about. This is still the Lakers. They’re getting a top 3 pick. The Knicks probably are, too. The Celtics are fighting an uphill battle against an opponent who bends the rules in favor of what’s best for business. It feels like the Celtics have a 0.0% chance of winning the lottery tonight. I’d honestly be fine if the Celtics got 2 and the Lakers got 1, because I know the Lakers would never pass on Lonzo. At this point my only hope of getting future Celtics Legend Markelle Fultz on the roster is other teams’ incompetence. It’s still too early to talk backup plans, but there’s only two outcomes to this draft that would be unacceptable to me: drafting Lonzo Ball or trading the pick. I’ve made my thoughts on Lonzo pretty clear. I’m going to love watching him crash and burn, just as long as it’s on a different team. Hopefully the Cavs will sweep the Celtics so everyone can realize they aren’t one move away from competing. Hopefully people will look at the disappearing acts Paul George and Jimmy Butler pulled off during the playoffs (at times good enough to make even James Harden, Kyle Lowry, and Game 7 John Wall jealous) and start thinking maybe, just maybe, giving up the entire roster to get one of these guys isn’t the right move. And hopefully all those people who wanted Ainge fired for not trading the farm for Serge Ibaka or P.J. Tucker (for the record, I was not on that bandwagon. I was on the “Ainge can’t draft” bandwagon that crashed and burned after Terry Rozier, Marcus Smart, Avery Bradley, and Jaylen Brown proved their worth multiple times over) saw how the badly the Raptors STUNK against the Cavs and that copying anything they do is probably the wrong move. The East won’t be won in one day. It’ll be won in four years when LeBron has deteriorated and only averages 23,7, and 6. Be patient. Fultz is an all-star level player, but he won’t be next year. Maybe not even the year after that. But they have the Nets’ pick next year. And multiple first round picks as early as 2019. This is a long play. It’s about time everyone else got on board the Celtics 2020 Express.

I really can’t do anything but hope, at this point. I mean, I’m a decent person. I’ve given to charity before. I feel bad when I see stray animals. I’ve thought about helping old ladies cross the street. I deserve this. Something good has to happen for one of my sports teams, after all. Just let me have this one, please. If When the Celtics wind up getting the fourth pick, I’m going to search out the nearest 18-wheeler and stand directly in front of it.

MLB Thoughts

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Been a few weeks since the last round of MLB Thoughts, so it’s time to take a look at the landscape of the league again. A lot of things have changed. A lot has stayed the same. Can anyone stop this red-hot team from Washington, D.C.? I’ve heard it’s their year.

  • The hater in me can only deny the Yankees recognition for so long. Pretty much everything has gone their way. Every hitter is red hot. Aaron Judge has established himself as the second best rookie in the AL East. Their pitching has been effective. Stalin Castro is hitting .351. Aaron Hicks has an OPS of 1.101, for crying out loud! Buuuuuttttttt, I mean…. Aaron Hicks has an OPS of 1.101. Jacob Ellsbury has played in all but 3 games. Brett Gardner has one fewer home run than he did last year already. He’s always had the talent, but Starlin hasn’t hit over .300 since 2011. Michael Pineda has a 131 ERA+. What I’m trying to say is, they’ve had a lot of good luck and are probably going to come back down to Earth. Before everyone gets all pissed off at me for daring to question the Greatest Team Ever Put Together in the History of Mankind (or at least since the last time the Yankees were good), keep in mind I said before the season that they’d make the Wild Card game. That hasn’t changed. Sure, everyone has over-performed, but it’s not pure luck, either. There’s real talent here, it’s just not really ready to be the best team in the league this year.
  • While we’re discussing things that will undoubtedly get some people upset at me, only someone who hates attention and does stuff for the Love of the Game like Derek Jeter could handpick Mother’s Day for his jersey retirement ceremony. Somehow, someway, Jeets is going to hijack one of the purest, least commercialized most well-meaning holidays out there and make it about himself. So classy.
  • As someone who never lived through some of the more horrible dictatorships in history, I can say with relative ease that Bobby Valentine is my least favorite person in history. I hate everything about him and wouldn’t mind if something really bad *wink wink* happened to him. On the other hand, David Ortiz is one of my favorite people ever. To say this excerpt made me happy is an understatement.

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    So zany!!!
  • Speaking of disgraceful Mets, I don’t even know what to think about Matt Harvey. Guy’s been getting absolutely shredded by melodramatic Mets fans and talking heads all week. And he brings it all on himself! He says time and time again how he wants to be this big playboy and the Dark Knight and a Jeter-like superstar, but it only works if you’re actually, you know, still good. He’s been absolute ass this season. He got lit up the Braves back to back starts, and I’m not sure they have any MLB level players besides Freddie Freeman (who is the best hitter in the NL, don’t @ me). I’m actually surprised he hasn’t pulled out the LeBron James-patented “I don’t know why the media hates me so much sorry I’m not perfect woe is me” defense yet. Haven’t seen someone quit so blatantly since James Harden (thanks for making me look good James! Really appreciate it!).
  • Boy, who is that at the top of the NL West? The Rockies? Still? If only someone predicted that.
  • Stop me if you’ve heard this before: there’s this team based out of Washington, D.C., lead by a transcendent star, and they can’t be stopped by anyone. They’re rolling over lesser teams left and right. Such a dynamite sports town. I can’t see anyone standing in their way. The playoffs will be a mere formality. They’ll walk to the title.
  • Andrew Benintendi is already a top-ten player in the American League. Sorry, not sorry.
  • Out of nowhere, Houston has the best record in the league. The more great starts he puts together, to more it looks like last season was the aberration for Dallas Keuchel, not two years ago. He’s been arguably the second best starting pitcher in the majors this year.
  • I’m about to make history here at the Brian’s Den and break some big-time news: Carlos Correa is good.
  • I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an extreme hat angle as the one Alex Colome has in his official photo.517008 I’m not a big “wear you’re hat the right way and don’t smile on the field unless you want a fastball in the neck” guy, but that’s a worrisome look. If the edge of the brim of your hat lines up perfectly with your nose, that means you’re spending the majority of his time making sure it looks just right. It’s all you can think about. It’s like starting an inning with the bases loaded. I’m not sure if I’d want my closer looking like Fernando Rodney out there. Luckily, the Rays stink (despite the fact that the Red Sox can’t beat them) so he won’t have too many save opportunities to put in jeopardy.
  • Are the Reds better than the Cubs?? Only time will tell…
  • Yonder Alonso is channelling my all-time favorite Oakland A and fat Matt Damon look alike Jack Cust by being the most random veteran having a breakout season. He’s already got a career high in home runs. Why did he wait until he was 30 to start training with Cousin Yuri change his swing? I don’t know. Why does anyone do anything?
  • As did anyone with a brain, I felt the whole Manny Machado-Red Sox situation was handled poorly and way overblown. It was a bad, late slide, but it didn’t require getting thrown at a million times and certainly didn’t merit throwing at his head. But doesn’t Machado always seem to be in the middle of this stuff? Every time the Orioles get into any kind of scuffle he’s the cause of it. I mean, he got a 98 mph fastball thrown at his head once and started crying more that a baby that was just born two seconds ago. Grow up, man.
  • Chris Sale would be a legend even if he wasn’t completely unhittable because of how fast he works. After years of watching Clay Buchholz stand on the mound for five minutes in between pitches, he’s like mana from Heaven. And to think, he’s having such an amazing season without his idol and clubhouse leader Drake LaRoche.

Have I forgotten anything? Probably. But that just means it wasn’t worth talking about in the first place.

Random Thoughts, Round 2

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I’m back with the second edition of random thoughts. If you’ve forgotten how this works, I’d like to congratulate you on your NFL career. Not everyone gets to the mountaintop. Anything I want to talk about but isn’t enough for a full post gets dumped here. Let’s jump right in.

They Still Make Rock Band?

I saw recently that they’re coming out with some DLC for Rock Band 4. Huh? Who still plays Rock Band? That era was before I was in high school, and they’re still coming out with new stuff? That’s some truly startling news. I never got the whole fad, anyway. Guitar Hero sucked. Rock Band was only fun because you could play it as a group. I was pretty bad at the game, but hand me the mic and I’ll burn the place to the ground. Not even Through the Fire and Flames could stop me. I was the George Michael of Rock Band. But to play it in 2017? No thanks.

#Nomorenoonmeals has Changed My Life for the Better

Even since I gave my two cents about lunch and introduced the world to the #nomorenoonmeals movement, I’ve found myself subconsciously eating lunch later and later. It’s been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I eat when I want to. I eat when I’m hungry. I’m happier when I eat, which makes me happier for the rest of the day. It deepened my resolve that society’s rules on eating are antiquated, counterproductive, and, overall, completely pointless.

NFL Denies Josh Gordon Reinstatement

Seriously? Listen, I’m not a weed guy. I’m not a “pothead” as the kids say. But this is going on like three years now. It’s the easy comparison to make, but Ray Rice was originally suspended two (2) games for beating the shit out of his wife. Terrell Suggs poured bleach all over his kid, beat up his wife at least twice, and was caught having a minor armory’s worth of guns in his house and didn’t get suspended once. Michael Floyd had a DUI and was back on the field the next week. But Josh Gordon gets three years because he can’t stop smoking weed? Makes sense.

Why do You Have to Buy So Much Celery?

I really should save this for the next installment of Burning Questions (coming soon-ish), but it’s too fresh in my mind right now. How come every time I need to get celery I need to buy about a metric ton of it? Why can’t I get like two or three stalks? If there’s a celery shortage in the world, I’m probably responsible, since I throw away 90% of the celery I buy. I need it about once every two months, and I need to buy farmer Brown’s entire harvest every time. I’m not about to start eating the extra celery or anything, either. Seriously, have you seen the bags of celery grocery stores sell? It’s absurd. Just let me get what I need.

For Real This Time, Get This Bum-Ass Wizards Team Out of My Face

I’m going to be seriously upset if they have to play a game 7. If the Celtics played my old high school team they wouldn’t have beaten them down as badly as what happened last night. You might be able to consider that kind of massacre a hate crime. Wizards are, and have always been bad. Please just end it Saturday night.

Apparently, Floral Prints are IN this Spring and Summer

Well, would you look at that? Looks like I’ve been fashion forward my whole life without realizing. As a proud Flower Guy and a definite Hawaiian Shirt Guy, I wear floral prints year round. Pretty much since I’ve been old enough to actually afford my own clothes floral has dominated my closet. Like most trendsetters, though, my impact is never felt in the moment. It takes years for a movement like this to take place, and I’m glad I could be at the front.

Fossil of Oldest Known Baleen-Whale Relative Unearthed in Peru

Funny. I thought the oldest known baleen-whale relative was your mom.

Speaking of Your Mom, Don’t Forget to get her something for Mother’s Day

Despite the fact that I’ve spent the majority of my life disappointing my parents, I’ve never forgotten Mother’s Day (I think). So make sure you do something for your Mom this Sunday, whether it be getting her flowers, taking her to dinner, forgetting to call until 9 p.m., sending a card in the mail first thing Monday morning, or going another year without giving her any grandchildren. Now, I don’t have a podcast (yet), so I don’t have any promo codes to get you a special offer from 1800flowers.com, but that doesn’t get you off the hook. Don’t be the guy that forgets about Mother’s Day.

Many People Are Wondering If I’m Worried About the Celtics

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So, I guess my last Celtics post didn’t go according to plan, huh? Losing both games in Washington by a combined 300 points is bad. Giving up 1,000-0 runs every single game is bad, and I think they should do something to stop it from happening. They looked like they were playing dead to try and trick an attacking mother grizzly. But, am I worried? Not really. They can’t win in Washington, big deal. Washington can’t win in Boston, either. Now, the way they lost both games was certainly a little troubling. Literally no one played well. The only way they can go is up. And, there’s just no place for worrying in this series. If the Celtics lose at home, it’s over. Plain and simple. The state of the Panic Button will never even be debated on sports talk radio. The series is already over in my head, anyway. Nothing about the first two games (besides the 20-0 starts) said the Wizards can win in Boston. Nothing about the last two games said the Celtics could win in Washington. It turns out there’s more games in Boston than Washington. And if the Wizards steal one in Boston? Well, the lottery’s next week (Of course, in the grand scheme of things, worrying about this series is also pointless because whoever wins is just going to get brushed aside by the inevitable, unavoidable, inescapable Cavs-Warriors Round 3) (LeBron is at a completely different level than anyone else in the league right now. He just keeps getting better physically the older he gets. Hmm…). Before the season, I considered making the Conference Finals to be a realistic goal for this Celtics team. Now, I would still be disappointed if they got knocked out by the Wizards, who have come out of nowhere and become my least favorite team, but at this point all I want is for them not to screw up this offseason. Losing here would save a lot of embarrassment next round, anyway.

The 2008 Celtics team has been on my mind recently, too. Starting with the obvious, allow me to be the 1,000,000th person to compare this series to that Celtics team’s first round (really, first two rounds, but no one remembers that for some reason) against the Hawks, when they couldn’t win in Atlanta for some reason. Zaza was staring down KG every play. Josh Smith was dunking on everyone. Joe Johnson was iso-ing at 15 mph instead of his current 5 mph. But then the Celtics won by a million in game 7. Will that happen this year? It’s hard to say. But probably. They also brought the band back together for KG’s Area 21, which should be uncensored at all times. It was great. They talked Celtics, bashed every other team in the league, made fun of Paul Pierce for The Wheelchair, Perk was somehow making the most sense and breaking news:

I highly recommend going to the Area 21 twitter page and watching all the various clips if you’re a Celtics fan. But the most important thing they talk about, mostly because it still drives KG’s and Rondo’s very existence, was Ray Allen:

I think it’s funny that everyone kind of rolls their eyes at the fact that they’re all still so bitter about how it ended, but then the same people can’t stop LOLing at all of Russell Westbrook’s antics this season. My thoughts? I can’t really blame Ray at the base level. Considering what I’ve said about Kevin Durant, that’d be pretty hypocritical. The two situations are almost identical. Yeah, it’s a huge bummer that he went to the Heat/Warriors, but I’m not going to get super mad about it. As a free agent, the player has the right to sign wherever he wants. Ray decided to do what was best for him, and it worked out for him. Maybe it’s because he’s a fellow UConn Husky and I’m going easy on him, but my animosity towards Ray has lessened every passing year. But, obviously, I wasn’t on the actual team. He could have handled his free agency better, but I think it’s time for KG and the boys to move on. I rip on Westbrook for handling KD leaving like a toddler who had his toy taken away, so it’s only fair I say the same to my guys. I mean, Ray left in 2012. The run was over. They won one title and should have won two. It was an awesome team but everyone was old. Ray could still contribute as a role player to a LeBron-led Heat team. It made sense for him to go there. It happens. It’s not 1963 anymore. Teams break up. Players leave. It’s okay. Yeah, Ray was kind of a dick about it, but it’s time to bury the hatchet.

Unpopular Opinion: I Hate Lunch

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So today I was scouring the deepest parts of the Internet looking for new and exciting stories to bring my dozen(s?) of readers/putting in hours in MLB The Show and Persona 5 (probably the nerdiest thing I’ve ever purchased but damn if it isn’t the most fun I’ve had in a while) when I looked at the clock and saw that it was after 1:30. Out of habit, I stopped to eat lunch. And as I was eating, I realized how much of an annoyance it was to drop everything I was doing to eat, when I wasn’t even all that hungry to begin with. And so, a new franchise was born: Unpopular Opinions. And my first one is that I hate lunch.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “This guy’s always talking about food and how much he eats and how much he loves fast food and how fat he is. Surely he loves lunch.” Well, dear reader, you’d be wrong. While it’s true that I do love food, and many of the traditional lunch staples rank highly on my internal power rankings, it’s the process I could do without. Whenever I’m at home during the day, lunch just seems like such a chore. It’s too much work for not enough payoff. At the basest level, there’s only really three or four things you can have. A lot of settling going on when it comes to eating lunch if you don’t feel like buying something every day. And you have to actually make it, too, which takes longer than you want it to. Sure, you can throw a sandwich together in ten seconds, but I actually care about the quality of my food. A haphazardly made sandwich is among the worst things you can eat. And it’s right in the middle of the day when you could be doing other things. God forbid you don’t eat when society tells you to. I have to halt everything I’m doing just so I can make a sandwich or heat up soup or leftovers, all because I’d become a social outcast akin to an untouchable in India if I choose to eat outside the noon-1 o’clock window. I just want to know why.

Who decided we need three meals a day? Clearly not any kind of medical professional, since every year they come out with a new way you’re Supposed to Eat. Sometimes it’s eat a million tiny meals. Sometimes it’s eat one gigantic meal. Sometimes it’s don’t eat anything at all. More importantly, who decided on the times you have to eat? And who decided on the rigid menu you have to choose from? Again, I must reiterate that I love most traditional lunch foods. Sandwiches, chips, soup, all great. But I shouldn’t have to eat them when I don’t want to. I’m a big proponent of eating whatever you want whenever you want. Pizza for breakfast? Delicious. Pancakes for dinner? Yes please. If I want a filet mignon at 2 in the afternoon, I should be able to do it without facing backlash. Sure, going out to get lunch is a far superior experience than making it yourself, but almost every “lunch special” is just a smaller version of their regular meal. If I like the food, why would I want less of it just because it’s 12:43? This might not surprise anyone, but I prefer to have big meals over small ones. As much as I like eating and food, meals are just a hindrance to my free time. So I want to load up on food I like so I don’t have to eat as much. Maybe I’ll eat at 10 and 6. Maybe I’ll do 11:30 and 5. If I’m free all day, maybe I won’t eat until like 2 o’clock in the afternoon and have dinner at *gasp* 8 at night. I refuse to be contained by the parameters society has given me. I understand the lunch break is a sacred part of any work day. It’s probably saved billions of lives. But I’ll take it whenever the hell I want to, thank you very much. The later you take your break, the less time you have until you go home. Just a little trick I’ve picked up over the years. Lunch at noon is the most pointless thing going. It’s your body. Eat when you want.

So I’m calling for change. No longer will I be silent. No longer will I let The Man tell me to eat at a time that inconvenient for me. No longer will I be content eating a turkey sandwich at 1 in the afternoon because “I’ll ruin my appetite for dinner” if I eat something bigger. Well maybe I want dinner to be right now, how about that? No more set times for meals. No more exclusive menus. No more meal-shaming. Use #nomorenoonmeals to join the movement. Let’s come together in solidarity as people who don’t feel like eating just because it’s “lunchtime.” Take control of your diet. We can topple the meal structure together and create a brighter tomorrow.

In Honor of Cinco de Mayo…

Of all the holidays America has bastardized in the name of consumerism and profit, Cinco de Mayo might be my favorite. I love everything about Cinco de Mayo. I’m a huge margarita and Corona guy. Mexican restaurants are always a great time (Power Ranking- Top Five Mexican Food Items: 1. Tortilla chips 2. Enchiladas 3. Mole Poblano 4. Refried Beans 5. tacos) (Don’t @ me). And I love Mexican people and will jump at any opportunity to appropriate their culture. It’s like Cinco de Mayo was created just for me! Another added bonus of Cinco de Mayo is that it kicks off the Official Bud Light Lime SZN (If you drink the sweet, citrusy nectar anytime outside of the Cinco de Mayo-Labor Day window, you have serious personal issues), a true boon for mankind. Nothing bad has ever come out of Cinco de Mayo.

In honor of my Mexican friends, I figured I’d take a peek at what’s going on South of the Border.

‘Mexico must reclaim land stolen by US’

An engineer’s report confirming that 85,000 hectares of United States territory actually belongs to Mexico has renewed calls to reclaim the lost land.

Chihuahua Senator Patricio Martínez, who has long asserted that the border was incorrectly marked too far to the south, lodged the report with the Senate this week.

The report was authored by Chihuahua engineering firm Portillo y Young, whose study of the issue found that the border was incorrectly marked along 436 kilometers of the shared boundary.

The border near Ciudad Juárez, Chihuahua, and El Paso, Texas, is cited as having a 1.5-kilometer discrepancy over a distance of 50 kilometers, adding up to 8,000 lost hectares. In other words, land in New Mexico should actually be in Chihuahua.

Similar irregularities were identified between Sonora and Arizona.

Martínez condemned a statement by the president of the International Boundary and Water Commission that the border was correct, despite contrary evidence in the report.

“With this expert report we are demonstrating that the border is incorrect. There is an absurd attempt to hide or ignore the existence of these differences and the worst thing is it comes from the commission charged with caring for and protecting national territory limits so that they are not moved, changed or relocated,” he argued.

The former Chihuahua governor urged the Secretariat of Foreign Affairs to continue diplomatic steps initiated by former president Porfirio Díaz in 1897, saying that it’s time for the federal government to demand that the United States comply with territorial treaties to the letter of the law.

Mexico ceded half of its territory under the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo in 1848 in exchange for US $15 million and gave up further territory — parts of current day Arizona and New Mexico — as a consequence of the Gadsden Purchase in 1853.

In March, a prominent politician and a lawyer questioned the validity of the 1848 accord.

Martínez stressed that Mexico must send a diplomatic note to Washington in order for border limits to be rectified according to the treaties.

If U.S. President Donald Trump refuses, he favors seeking intervention in the International Court of Justice in The Hague.

He also told Senate President Pablo Escudero that whether the building of President Trump’s promised border wall is imminent or not, it is essential that the border be in the right place.

“We can’t declare the lands lost, they’re stolen, taken away from our national territory and we have to take them back now.”

Huh, would you look at that? Mexico wants some land back. That’s cute. You want some land back, little guy? I’m no expert, but in the grand scheme of things 85,000 hectares doesn’t sound like much. If you want it so bad, just take it. Stuff like this makes me chuckle. Hmm, now that I think about it, this reminds me of something I saw the other day. What was it again?

Ghost towns haunt the Texas landscape

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They dot the landscape with empty shells of buildings or sometimes just signs or markers of what once was.

But ghost towns – those empty, abandoned or forgotten places – are part of Texas history.

Places like Signal Hill, which disappeared from the Texas Panhandle in the 1930s, or Helmic, with a population of 86 in Trinity County in East Texas, carry tidbits and stories of the past.

Uh oh. This is bad. I don’t think the Mexicans are messing around with this. Ghost towns don’t just happen. People don’t build a settlement then just up and leave two seconds later. Something forced them to move. Or, more likely, something killed everyone. And I’m not talking about some Pancho Villa raiders or anything. Then there’s be evidence of a firefight. We’re dealing with some supernatural forces here. And they’re ones this fiery Mexican senator plans on unleashing on us, despite the fact that I’m not sure he can control them. The way I see it, we have two options here: just give Mexico their land back and make them happy, or get moving on that Wall before we have a Game of Thrones situation on our hands. We’ve got until November 2nd to do something before being overrun by these:

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More terrifying than White Walkers. At sundown on the last day of Dia de los Muertos, Senator Martinez will summon an army of calacas to try and take back the land by force. I have no doubt in my mind rogue, angry calacas are the cause of all the ghost towns in Texas. Every Festival of the Dead, they gain the power to walk this world again, and choose to strike down some of their neighbors. But those were caused by a tiny number. What happens when Senator Martinez decides to bring an entire army? I’ll tell you what: nothing good. Imagine you’re awoken from your peaceful slumber by the jovial sounds of mariachi music. You open your eyes, ready to party and have a good time, but then a calaca drains the life from your body, and you join the ranks of the Army of the Dead. Once you’re in the Army, I guarantee the first person you’d meet would be Senator Martinez, who will undoubtedly quickly be hoisted by his own petard. I don’t even know how you’d stop them. It’s not like you can kill them, they’re already dead. They’d probably take over the entire country pretty fast.

Now, I’m sure here’s where you expect me to say that I’d find a solution. But not here. I’m no Azor Ahai. I don’t want any part of fighting an army of jovial looking skeletons. I mean, I might just let them take me. You ever seen Book of the Dead or played Grim Fandango? The World of the Dead seems pretty sweet. It might be better than the real world, if we’re being honest. I might be upset if some hero does emerge. I’m kind of looking forward to this, now. Being a skeleton won’t be that bad. I’ll never have to wear sunscreen again, which, for someone with a very pale complexion, is a very convenient. Plus, I think you get a free mariachi outfit, which is nice. Alright, now I’m on board. Hey, Trump, don’t build that wall! And don’t even think about giving that land back. Let’s get this calaca train rolling.

Isaiah Thomas is a God Amongst Men

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I don’t even know what to say after last night. 53 points. 18-33 from the field, 5-12 from 3, 12-13 from the line. Most points in an NBA playoff game since his spiritual predecessor Allen Iverson in 2003. Second most points in a game in Celtics playoff history, and, last time I checked, the Celtics have played a lot of playoff games. He had 29 points in the fourth quarter and overtime. The Wizards had 30. And he did it on his sister’s birthday? He’s just unreal. I have absolutely nothing but respect for him. All he does is prove people wrong and make them look stupid. I got caught up in the “worst one seed ever” hype and was way too critical of him. He’s ripped up his previous reputation for underwhelming playoff performances and taken a big, fat dump on the h8trs. He keeps proving time and again that he’s a legit superstar and can figuratively stand eye to eye with the most talented players in the league. Is he perfect? No. Is he great defensively? No (but, unless my eyes deceived me, he completely locked up John Wall the few times he was on him in the fourth). Is he in the long term picture for the Celtics? I’m not sure. But, unless they really botch the draft or make a panicky win-now move, I’m not really going to worry about that right now. I’ll just enjoy the ride.

While we’re talking Celtics-Wizards, I’d like to congratulate John Wall for having one some of the best three quarters of point guard play you’ll ever see. Too bad there’s four quarters. He let Isaiah Thomas (a.k.a. the Worst Defender in the League) shut him down. He let rookie Jaylen Brown lock him up. Avery Bradley is so far in his and Bradley Beal’s kitchens that he’s making them breakfast and walking their dogs. Marcus Smart is bullying everyone on the Wizards when he feels like rebounding. Kyle Lowry thinks Beal is nowhere to be found. This series is O-V-E-R. The Wizards have quit. They might not even show up for the games in Washington. They held the Celtics’ funeral during the season but in the playoffs the Celtics rose from the dead and are burying the Wizards so deep their bones will turn to oil within the next 50 years. I’ve never heard a better summary of D.C. sports. The Wizards love to act like this tough team who everyone disrespects and they’ll fight everybody and they have this weird sense of entitlement, as if they’ve ever done anything of note, but none of that works if you blow double digit leads every game and have real trouble beating the Hawks. Whatever Morris they have is such a try hard. Every bump is cause for war and every word is an attack against his apparently very fragile manhood. We get, you think you’re tough. Why don’t you actually swing on someone if you care about your image so much? I mean, it’s not like it’ll matter if you’re suspended or since, since, judging by last night’s second half, you’ve been planning your offseason vacation for a while now anyway. John Wall yaps the entire game and stares down everyone after doing anything, but then becomes a wallflower when Bradley starts stripping him every time down the floor. Get this bum-ass team out of my sight and bring me LeBron.

Some Other Playoff Thoughts Since I Didn’t (Forgot To) Do a Second Round Preview:

  • Not to rub it in or anything, but everyone saw that Russell Westbrook was pretty much the reason the Thunder lost, right? Just checking. Say his team sucks all you want, but it’s hard to be good when you’re only allowed to shoot at the end of the shot clock.
  • Can someone explain the upside of playing with Westbrook to me? Like if I’m a free agent, why would I even consider playing with him? You’re telling me I’m no allowed to rebound, I only get the ball twice a quarter, I’m only allowed to shoot directly off a pass from him, and I’ll get cussed out if I miss (even though I’m ice cold since I haven’t shot in 10 minutes) for ruining his assist? And I’m not even allowed to answer questions asked directly to me in press conferences? And my entire existence has to be devoted to keeping him happy? Taj Gibson looked like Dom in Fast 8. I kept waiting for him to blink twice to show he was okay. It just seems like a miserable life for anyone not named Russell Westbrook. Why would anyone want that?
  • I really really really really really hope that was the last time my poor eyes have to watch another Lob City game. It’s over, fellas. Blow it up. Get rid of Doc Rivers, who is somehow still not viewed as the worst coach and GM in the league despite mountains of evidence. Let Blake escape the tyranny of Cliff Paul. Actually, I don’t care what you do as long as I don’t have to listen to how the Clippers are ready to contend next year. No team with CP3 will ever contend. Period.
  • Allow me to join the infinite chorus of people saying watch out for the Bucks. But, their path to greatness isn’t an open freeway. They still don’t have much shooting (they sure could use someone like Malik Monk in the draft. If only they could have done something like cut out the middle man and gotten the rights to the Lakers’ pick this year instead of taking Michael Carter-Williams. Oh, well), they need another ball handler, and no one knows what they’re going to with Jabari Parker. The people saying they’ll run the East seem to have forgotten the Celtics are set up perfectly to be good for a long time.
  • Got to feel for the Grizzlies, who, because of things like cap situation and draft position, are pretty much resigned to having the exact same team until the end of time. Doubt the people of Memphis would have it any other way, though.
  • I fully expect the Spurs to somewhat bounce back after getting completely annihilated in game 1, but other that that, this entire round sucks. Thankfully, it’ll be over soon. The Warriors will sweep Utah easily. The Raptors STINK and stand absolutely no chance whatsoever of finishing any of the four games down by less than 15. The Wizards are dead. The Spurs will probably lose in 6. Let’s just fast forward to the conference finals.
  • I don’t want to get my hopes up, but the way the Celtics are playing, they might be able to win a game or two against Cleveland. Hard to be disappointed if you don’t dream too big.
  • The Hour of Reckoning is nigh. Less than two weeks until the Draft Lottery. It’s legitimately one of the biggest moments of my life. Last time the Celtics were in this position I convinced myself they’d get Kevin Durant and wound up with the 5th pick. If the NBA rigs it so the Lakers get to keep their top 3 pick and the Celtics get 4th, I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to the league office.
  • Choosing the right representative to send to the lottery is key. I don’t know if the Celtics have chosen one yet, but I’m free that night.

Champions League Semifinal Preview

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The Champions League keeps rolling on and I keep being right about everything (I said Barcelona would struggle which is as good as saying they’d lose). To answer your question, no, it does not get exhausting. We’re down to four teams. Only the elite remain. Both semifinals are intriguing clashes of styles, and whoever can impose their will will find themselves in Cardiff June 3rd.

Real Madrid vs. Atletico Madrid

For what feels like the first time in forever, we’ve got an all-Madrid matchup late in the Champions League. Now, it’s probably become fairly clear that I am not, in fact, a fútbol “expert,” but I am a sports expert, and I’ve seen this scenario play out a million times. Little Brother just can’t beat Big Brother. This is the fourth straight year they’ve played each other in the Champions League. Real Madrid has won every time. Until they can actually beat their cross-town rivals in the Champions League, I see no reason to pick Atletico. They’re like soccer’s version of the Memphis Grizzlies: it’s all grit and grind, ugly, physical, and defensive. Their entire persona is about being smarter and tougher than the opposition to make up for usually having less talent. The only problem is, when three of their more important players are fighting injuries (Juanfran, Sime Vrsaljko, Yannick Carrasco), the task gets even tougher. Real’s high powered attack is firing on all cylinders (last week’s last-second loss to Messi notwithstanding) and is so deep they can easily plug the holes left by Pepe and Gareth Bale’s absences. Add in the serious mental edge Real has and I see only one winner here. It’ll be low scoring and it’ll come down to the end, but, like always, Real will prevail.

(Side Note: We’re approaching my favorite non-international tournament part of the year-round soccer schedule- transfer rumors season. The closer we get to the transfer window, the more often stupid and outlandish headlines come out. I keep getting notifications about how a team (usually Man U, Chelsea, or Arsenal) really wants someone like Antoine Greizmann and is willing to spend x amount of money. Oh, really? Would they also like Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo? Or it’ll be something like Crystal Palace has a top striker, a top winger, a top midfielder, and a top defender on its wish list. Wow, no way. Really hard hitting stuff. I want to see a rumor that says a team doesn’t want anyone. Or that they aren’t willing to spend $100 million on one guy. At least it’d be different.)

Real Advances

AS Monaco vs. Juventus

A tale as old as time. One of the best offensive teams in the world vs. the best defensive team in the world. A team lead by youngsters and a veteran who found new life against a team of a bunch of old guys. Speed vs. strength. Athleticism vs. guile. Youth vs. experience. Unfortunately for me, the defensive minded, experienced team usually wins, especially if it’s the young team’s first time going so far in a tournament. Juventus could easily stifle and frustrate Monaco, rendering the Greatest Show on Pitch toothless and punchless. But, as mentioned before, Juventus is really old. At some point, Father Time might come for Buffon and the boys. Maybe it happens now, and Monaco runs them off the field. But that’s doubtful. Buffon, Bonucci, Chiellini, and Barzagli have shown absolutely no sign of slowing down any time soon. If they’re allowed to be as physical as they like (i.e., holding and fouling everyone, then looking at the ref with abject shock that people fall over when you trip them and promising retribution for daring to blow the whistle) I think Juventus should make it through fairly easily.

Juventus Advances