For anyone not keeping track, there’s some big trouble brewing in Oakland. Like, they-should-have-called-in-Spencer-Strasmore-weeks-ago type of trouble. Khalil Mack, 2-time All Pro and former Defensive Player of the Year, is in the middle of an extended contract dispute and has yet to report to the team. This, if you can’t tell, is a bad thing. And the Raiders could not be handling it worse.
Contract hold-outs happen literally every year in the NFL. By now, every GM and ownership group should have the playbook on how to handle a disgruntled star memorized. A running back wants a new deal? If he’s over 26, good luck in your future endeavors. A middle-of-the-road QB wants some of that Sam Bradford scratch? Just hit him with the franchise tag or trade him. Your best offensive lineman wants a new deal? Remind him that you had to Google him to find out who he was before teaching him about revenue sharing. But when megastars want to get paid? Call me crazy, but I think you should usually do it.
A common theme you’ll see in many of these hold-outs is the fifth-year option first round picks have in their rookie contracts that the rest of the draft picks don’t have. For players like Mack, this essentially punishes the player for being good while allowing the teams to save money on elite talent. I’m far from the first person to say this, but just about the only non-Patriots way to build a competitive roster in the NFL is by having a core of high-level players on rookie contracts. This usually leads to teams kicking star players to the curb once the return on investment is no longer totally stacked in their favor. This, understandably, makes players unhappy (even though the players agreed to each and every contract-related thing that they constantly complain about in the last CBA, but whatever). Teams feel that they can replace expensive players with cheap players without losing much on-the-field value. This is usually true, but Mack isn’t just some guy. He’s one of the 5-10 best players in the entire NFL. No, he doesn’t play quarterback, but he’s still someone they should be bending over backwards to keep. Situations like these are where football decision making completely loses me. The salary cap keeps going up and you’re not going to get a player as good as Mack in the draft. Just pay him. Teams’ constant reluctance to pay non-QB superstars is baffling. I understand the business model. But there’s a reason 30 of the 32 teams in the league are complete shit, and this is part of it. Aaron Donald just got paid today after holding out two straight years. The Rams were acting like signing one of the greatest players in NFL history was akin to launching nuclear weapons. This is why they won’t ever win anything.
Another huge factor in all of this is that Mark Davis, Raiders owner, doesn’t have any money. This is typically a problem for owners. Between Jon Gruden’s preposterous contract, the slapdash, ill-advised move to Las Vegas, and the need to give Derek Carr $125 million (I know you have to overpay for quarterbacks, but still), Khalil Mack got lost in the shuffle. Let me reiterate: THE RAIDERS FORGOT THAT ONE OF THE BEST PLAYERS IN THE LEAGUE NEEDED A NEW CONTRACT! If I’m one of the few Raiders fans left, I’d be completely losing my mind right now. It’s just inexcusable. Now they’re asking for two first rounders, which I’d give up in a second. What are the odds of a team getting someone as good as Mack in the first round of the next two years? 5%? Less? Considering how many great players come out of the late rounds in the NFL, two first rounders for a player like Mack in his prime is nothing. You’re literally stealing one of the best players in the league. I have no idea what teams are waiting for, unless the Raiders don’t want to trade him or pay him, and would instead rather he spend eternity in franchise-tag purgatory, in which case the Raiders would spend more money than if they just gave him a deal today. It just makes no sense. This whole thing should have been resolved months ago. Instead, the best player on the team isn’t going to play for at least the first week, and might never put on the silver and black again, all because they couldn’t make up their mind and are losing more leverage every second. Remember that one season the Raiders were good again? That feels like decades ago now. If the Browns win more than three games this year, we may officially have a new contender for Laughing Stock of the League. Clean it up, Oakland.
In case you didn’t know, football is back. College football has kicked off, NFL is right around the corner. Even the staunchest of football h8trz would have to admit to getting excited about spending every second of their weekends glued to the couch watching some gridiron action. All of this means only one thing, of course- it’s Fantasy Football season. Those with long memories may remember I did a fantasy preview last year. Honestly, I just didn’t care enough this year, and nothing much has changed. Aaron Rodgers is still good. You should draft him. You’re welcome.
However, I knew I had to throw something up before we dive back into the weekly picks. And so, the perfect opportunity to revive a forgotten bit arose. Friends, I present the long-anticipated third round of the Pokémon Football Draft. If you’re new to the site or just can’t remember anything earlier than last week and don’t know how this works, please read rounds one and two first. It’s pretty simple: which Pokémon would be good at football? Don’t worry, you don’t have to do any thinking. I’ve already built big boards for all seven generations. I didn’t get the nickname “the Mel Kiper of Pokémon” by accident. I had to grind and fight, studying tape and avoiding interaction with the opposite sex until all hours of the night. This isn’t a game to me. It’s a lifestyle.
Anyway, on to the draft. The third gen is really where we start cooking with gas. Some of the best talent in league history comes out of this stacked class. I’m talking some all time greats. Legends. It’s deep, too. There’ll be no need to tank, this year. This is the best class in Pokémon football history, no questions asked. I apologize in advance for any football-related daydreams and erections this Big Board causes. On to the field. If you’ve forgotten, the lack of players means everyone’s got to play both sides.
1. Slaking (DT/DE/T)
I should clarify that this is my Big Board of best available talent, not a mock draft. Because make no mistake- barring a trade or a shocking change of heart, there’s no chance Slaking is going number one overall. The character concerns are just too extreme. A troubled youth with such a huge chip on both his shoulders that his shoulders are more chip than flesh at this point. In the wrong situation, not only will he be out of the league in two years, he’ll drag everyone in the entire organization down with him. But in the right situation? Start writing the Hall of Fame plaque now. A guaranteed all-time-great if he has his head on straight, Slaking is simply unblockable. It’s impossible to keep him from completely destroying an opponent’s gameplan. When he’s right, any play that doesn’t result in a Slaking tackle for loss is a win for the offense. He’s even a pro bowl level tackle on offense. He literally has everything. Except a reasonable work ethic.
2. Sceptile (WR/SS)
Randy Moss. That’s all that needs to be said. If he merely breaks every receiving record his career will be a disappointment. Within four years he’ll be considered the greatest receiver in league history by just about everyone, which is likely to be the only consensus opinion in today’s social media landscape. He’s just a freak. Speed, athleticism, skill. A set it and forget it prospect if there ever was one.
3. Metagross (DT/T)
If the best ability is availability, Metagross has the most ability in the draft. He just doesn’t miss games. He doesn’t miss plays, really. But he’s also got top-five-prospect-level skills to with that endurance. He’s a cornerstone player on both sides of the ball, a leader in the locker room, and one of the smartest players we’ve evaluated. Whoever drafts Metagross will thank their lucky stars for the next decade.
4. Blaziken (QB/SS)
If there’s one thing this class lacks, it’s quarterbacks. However, what’s absent in depth is more than present in pure ability. Blaziken has all the tools to be a dynamic, dual-threat quarterback that could terrorize the league. A long strider with a massive arm, he creates big plays as easily as most people breathe. Accuracy issues are there (as is a juvenile temper), but the upside is huge. In the quarterback starved PFL, someone like Blaziken will be hard to pass up.
5. Sharpedo (OLB/DE)
Listen, when you draft Sharpedo you’re not looking for versatility. You’re going to get one thing and one thing only: sacks. Sharpedo lives for sacking the quarterback, and he’s almost impossible to deny. He’s got an explosive first step and all the moves, but, more often than not, he’ll just bull rush the unfortunate tackles who can’t keep up with his speed and power. Again, don’t ask him to go out in coverage or play any offense. Just set him loose on the edge and watch him rewrite the record books.
6. Salamence (TE/DE)
The first true two-way star on the board, Salamence could easily be a pro bowl-level player on either side of the ball. A physical tight end with an absurd catch radius and a balanced defensive end who can play in any scheme against the run and pass, Salamence is just a talented football player. He doesn’t have great lateral quickness, but doesn’t need it with his raw strength and speed. A skilled blocker to go along with his receiving abilities, Salamence can own the middle of the field on offense, moving the chains at will. He’s got a nose for the ball on defense, and uses his athleticism to stand out amongst the many talented defensive linemen that populate the league.
7. Vigoroth (OLB/MLB/FS/SS/WR)
Like a ball of clay, Vigoroth can be molded into anything you want him to be on the defensive side of the ball. A freak athlete with an inexhaustible motor and a mean streak ten miles long, Vigoroth loves causing havoc and confusion. His long arms clog passing lanes, he’s quick to diagnose plays, and his active feet allow him to arrive at the ball early and with a vengeance. He’s relentlessly coachable and has a thirst for the game. The only drawbacks are his recklessness, temper, and tendency to tire himself out early in games. His passion for the game doesn’t extend to the offensive side of the ball.
8. Ninjask (WR/CB)
If he were just a little bigger, he’d be a top-five prospect. He’s the quickest player ever evaluated as well as one of the fastest, and is completely impossible to tackle in the open field. Routinely making defenders look absolutely foolish, Ninjask is a terror in the right system. He was made for the slot in an uptempo, run and gun offense, and can totally dominate underneath. Only problem? If he ever is tackled, he’ll likely wind up on the IR. Severely undersized and brittle, you’d better have a top training staff if you want to make Ninjask a focal point of the offense.
9. Aggron (T/G/DT)
Nothing you haven’t seen before, Aggron is a beast of a tackle. That doesn’t mean he won’t be a high-level player, though. A bit of a jack-of-all-trades when it comes to blocking, he’s strong but not superhumanly so, has good feet and hips but not the best, has solid hands, and has very good size. He doubles as an above average run stuffer on the other side of the ball. He’s as reliable as they come.
10. Groudon (T/TE/DE/DT)
If football games were decided when teams got off the bus, Groudon would be the best player in the league. A mountain of a player, he’s the second biggest player in the draft, but looks like if Hercules and Serena Williams had a child and then fed that child steroids for 22 years. He can practically lift the entire stadium with one hand. The only problem? He might be the slowest player in the league. He might be the slowest professional athlete of all time, really. He was able to dominate at tight end in college, but against pro defenses he’ll be much better suited to playing tackle. He’s a true space eater on defense, and pity the ballcarrier that runs directly into his path.
11. Wailord (T)
It’s pretty simple: you can’t get around him. Even if he’s a total bust, he’ll go down probably the greatest pass blocker of all time. He might never give up a sack in his career. The only problem is that he’s so big he kind of cuts off half the field. You can’t really run behind him without being swallowed up by his never-ending body. Shorter quarterbacks may struggle to see over him. He’s very, very slow. But, again, if you run a pass-first scheme Wailord eliminates many of the variables that can kill pass plays. He’s another likely Hall of Famer from this class.
12. Combusken (RB/MLB/OLB)
Another two-way star, Combusken can quickly establish himself as one of the best runningbacks and linebackers in the league. A Todd Gurley-Le’Veon Bell type three down back, Combusken gets better the more touches he gets. He’s a violent, physical runner that seems to have been plucked from a bygone era, and he can get into trouble with the new helmet safety rules. Be prepared for many fifteen yards penalties, both when he’s got the ball and when he’s making tackles. Still, he makes teams better simply by being on the field, and has an infectious energy about him.
13. Wailmer (G/DT)
Yet another massive line prospect, Wailmer prefers the thick of the interior to the perimeter. A dominating run blocker and, through sheer size, a decent pass blocker, Wailmer can be a staple at the pro bowl. He’s also a wrecking ball of a d-tackle with a thick, powerful base and a good get-off. Wailmer is Graveler without the off-the-field concerns, and the fact that he’s so low on the board tells you all you need to know about this class.
14. Swampert (DE/TE)
A prototypical hand-in-the-ground pass rusher with no love for quarterbacks, Swampert is the type of defensive end every defensive coordinator dreams of having. Blessed with ideal size and athleticism and a constant desire to improve his technique, you’ll be hard pressed to find an easier player to install into a team. He’s listed at tight end, but he’s really more of a glorified blocker than anything. Does have surprisingly soft hands, though, and is good catching in traffic, making him a good red zone target. He won’t be a sexy pick, but I’d be surprised if he wasn’t always on playoff teams.
15. Latios (WR/SS) 16. Latias (WR/FS)
It felt disingenuous to separate the sibling duo that tore up the receiving record books in college, so I’ll bunch them together. Latios and Latias are essentially identical prospects: great all-around receivers that possess good speed, great quickness, good route running, and good hands. Both have pro bowl potential with the possibility of something more, but they aren’t the game changers Sceptile and Ninjask are, and the jury is still out if they can perform at the same level if they’re on different teams. Latios is ranked one spot higher because of his greater commitment to defense.
17. Cacturne (TE/WR/DE/OLB)
One of the more intriguing offensive players in the draft, Cacturne allows offenses to achieve the 2018 football nirvana known as “Being Multiple.” A wide receiver in a tight end’s body, Cacturne is a walking matchup problem that can rip defenses up the seam or on the outside. He can line up anywhere and requires constant defensive attention. Of course, his disciplinary record precedes him. His role as the leader of the Grass University Pyramid Scheme is well known (the trial is next month), and he was recently busted for shoplifting at a Golf Galaxy. If he can survive the legal issues, he’s a top player.
18. Medicham (QB/OLB)
An intellectual, accurate quarterback that can suffer from paralysis by analysis, Medicham can probably be viewed as the PFL Alex Smith. This isn’t an insult, by the way. Medicham is conservative and doesn’t have the biggest arm, but you know what you’ll get from him: a steady hand that doesn’t make mistakes and takes the openings the defense gives him. You can win with a guy like that, especially in a league filled with so many all-or-nothing chuckers. He’ll never blow anyone away, but he won’t be the reason you lose, either. The dearth of quarterbacks obviously helps his standing.
19. Regirock (TE/T/DT/DE)
One look at Regirock tells you all you need to know about him- he’s massive and made of rock. At times a dominating defensive lineman and left tackle, he has a nasty tendency to loaf and drift through games. Like Groudon, his lack of speed will likely force a full-time move away from tight end, but he still has the latent skills to serve as a goalline option. If you have a coach that can connect with him and bring out his full effort every play, he’s great value in the second half of the draft. If not, well, at least he looks good in shorts.
20. Registeel (TE/DE)
A more nimble, less talented version of Regirock, Registeel suffers none of the character concerns of his sedimentary counterpart. He’s a football robot that cares only for this week’s all-22, but there are concerns he’s already reached his ceiling. Now, he’s still a fine player, but what you see is what you get. A C+/B- tight end and a B+/A- defensive end. At this stage in the draft, sure things become less glamorous when compared to the dice-rolls that follow, but give me someone I can count on to be the first guy in the facility every morning.
21. Kyogre (TE/DE/OLB)
My high school football coach used to say that someone looked like Tarzan and played like Jane if their production didn’t match their physical stature. Yes, it’s 2018 so we can’t say that anymore, but the fact remains that it describes Kyogre perfectly. All the tools are there for an elite player, it’s just a matter of whether or not he’s tough enough and wants to work hard enough to maximize them. In college, he got by on size and talent alone. In the pros, it’ll take a little more if he wants to be considered one of the best, which, all things considered, he really should be. Rumors of a Fortnite addiction may scare away traditional coaches.
22. Grovyle (RB/WR/CB)
Another Swiss Army Knife of a player, Grovyle is just someone you want to get the ball to, no matter where he lines up. A natural running back, he flashed enough receiving skills at the combine to kickstart the imaginations of every offensive coordinator who ever watched Dexter McCluster highlights. He’s even got enough of an arm to be used as Wildcat QB (the PFL is about seven years behind the NFL strategy wise). Good in the return game, as well. Doesn’t offer much besides depth at corner.
23. Flygon (CB/S/WR)
An excellent cover corner with ideal recovery speed, fluid hips, and ball skills, the only thing lacking from Flygon’s game is seemingly confidence. After being beat deep twice in the fourth quarter of the National Championship Game two years ago, Flygon had a crisis of faith. To start the year, he was biting on every pump fake, he was losing assignments, he was dropping easy interceptions, and he was out of position constantly. Ironically enough, it was only a shift to receiver that started to get his mind right again. Flashed some of his true ability in the final weeks of the season, but questions remain about his mental toughness.
24. Rayquaza (WR/TE/S)
In addition to a pure evaluation of talent, part of this exercise is to project future success. It’s still unknown if Rayquaza will ever play in the league, which is why he is shockingly low on the board. With enough raw talent to be a top ten pick in any draft, Rayquaza is still taking at least two years off to go on a religious mission. People won’t want to hear it, but this obviously makes most coaches question his commitment to the game. He’s also going to be pursing a master’s degree while away, which raises even more concerns that Rayquaza, one of the most dominant offensive and defensive players in college football, may never play a down in the PFL. Not saying anything about his decision, but I, for one, wouldn’t want to turn down all that money. All those impoverished children are still gonna be there in ten years.
25. Metang (OLB/DE/MLB/RB)
A slower Clay Matthews if Clay Matthews actually still played football, Metang is versatile enough to line up at defensive end or any linebacker spot. He lacks consistency and can disappear at times, but when he flashes, he flashes big time. He creates turnovers at will and will lead the league in tackles at least once. A running back in name only.
26. Meditite (RB/CB)
Whereas previous draft classes were heavy on line prospects, we’re finally seeing the skill positions fill out. Meditite ran for over 2,000 yards last season and he has a fringe third round grade. Just shows what kind of talent is in this class. Meditite is all about quickness, and, while he may never get 30 carries a game, there’s no reason to believe he can’t have 700 yards rushing and 60 catches in a season.
27. Zangoose (G/MLB/OLB)
Though undersized and possibly better suited for a more glamorous position, Zangoose refuses to stop playing guard. Many may see this as admirable, I consider it a little pig-headed. He’s proved skeptics wrong at every level, sure, but you’re telling me Zangoose is supposed to block Golem? I don’t see it. What I do see, however, is a sideline to sideline linebacker who can step in and be a leader day one. If he focused on defense, he could have a long and successful career. Just give up being a guard, dude.
28. Absol (DE/OLB)
A pretty one-dimensional pass rusher, Absol will give you exactly what you think he will when you draft him. Could round out his game and become an every down player, but, at the start, will be little more than a situational pass rusher. He can still make an impact, however.
29. Regice (T/DT)
The slowest, least talented, and least durable of the trio, Regice can still carve out his place in the league because of his high work ethic. He’ll never be an all pro, but can be more than serviceable as a right tackle or rotation defensive lineman. Is perhaps best suited to a veteran mentor role, the biggest challenge he’ll face will be becoming a veteran.
30. Hariyama (DT/T)
A beefy, space-eating nose tackle, Hariyama will always grade out as a superior run defender. It’s just a matter of if he’ll ever be anything more than that. Based on his combine performance, I’d say probably not.
31. Tropius (T/DE/DT)
Like Rayquaza, Tropius’s off-the-field pursuits have scouts questioning his dedication. However, unlike Rayquaza, Tropius is actually still playing. His fashion label may be picking up steam despite his standing as a middle of the road prospect, but it’s doubtful that will have any real impact on his ability to have a full career. At the very least, he’ll look good while playing.
32. Marshtomp (FB/MLB/OLB)
The fullback isn’t quite dead yet, and Marshtomp is easily the best lead blocker in the draft. He brings the wood when he blocks and has soft hands, to boot. He’s just not a particularly good athlete. He lacks the speed to ever be a true difference maker on defense, but at least he’ll always go 100%.
Folks, this NFL preseason has my blood boiling. I can’t believe the product I’m watching on the field is actually called football. After my years and years of dedication to this game I love, the NFL may finally have lost this fan. And all because of this god awful helmet rule. No, not the one all you small-brained people have been complaining about ad nauseam for weeks. I’m talking about the far more impactful one: the banning of certain helmet types, most notably the Ridell VSR-4. That’s what Thomas Edward Patrick Brady has worn since he entered the league.
Now, in addition to the NFL willingly removing the players’ free will and autonomy, this is clearly yet another attempt by the NFL front office to rock the boat in New England. Outside of, like, three random games in 2011, Brady’s worn the same helmet in every single game of his career. It’s his signature look. It strikes fear into the hearts of the NFL. If you see a quarterback wearing a Ridell VSR-4, you know you’re about to lose in horrifying fashion. But now, because Goodell is desperately trying to do anything in his power to unseat the yearly de facto AFC champion, Brady needs a new look. Tom Brady is a 40-year-old man. If you ask him to change his style, you might as well just ask him to die.
Now stuck sporting a Ridell SpeedFlex, Tom Brady goes into this season, for the first time since 2001, with some uncertainty about his standing in the league. This new, unfamiliar helmet could completely destroy everything he’s worked for. The NFL’s draconian decree that some helmet types are now outlawed, on the surface just a paper-thin attempt to cover their own ass, is obviously a shot at the reigning league MVP. I’m forced to imagine a universe where Adam Silver tells players LeBron James shoes are no longer allowed or Rob Manfred instructing the league that whatever glove webbing Mike Trout uses is officially illegal. I can’t make it more than two seconds into the thought experiment before it gets too absurd. To try and think of other leagues trying to drag their signature players into the mud is completely preposterous. And yet, for the thousandth year in a row, the NFL is doing everything short of sending assassins to the TB12 compound. Goodell legitimately wants Brady dead, and he’s done more to grow the game than any player in NFL history. Just makes you think if the current leadership really has the league’s best interest at heart.
Welcome, friends, to the 2018-19 English Premier League season. If you’re thinking last season just ended, it did– soccer offseasons last about three weeks, particularly in World Cup years. Oh, yeah, the World Cup happened this year, didn’t it? I bet you watched it, didn’t you? Yes, you, the one reading this right now. You got so hooked on futbol that you’re looking to latch on to a Premier League team, aren’t you? After all, not only is the Premier League the richest and deepest league in the world, it’s also the most easily consumable for American audiences. Thus, following the Premier League is fun. Waking up Saturdays and Sundays and having sports before the sports you already watched is a true joy. I’m glad you’re on board. No offense to all those other rinky-dink leagues like the Bundesliga or La Liga or Serie A or Ligue 1, but you’ll find no Messi or Ronaldo talk in this space. This is all about helping you, the neophyte, find your new club to support every time they take the pitch (learn the lingo, plz. That’s step one). This is an important decision in a person’s life, and one that shouldn’t be made willy-nilly. Watch a few games. Find out which players or playing styles you like or dislike. Look inside yourself and determine how much you care about other people’s opinions and how much you hate yourself (spoiler alert: I rank highly on both scales). And, most importantly, read this guide again and again. These are all the reasons you should root (or not root) for all twenty Premier League teams. Choose wisely.
Arsenal– 2017/18 finish: 6th
Why Pick Arsenal? Do you like theoretical greatness? Do you like teams that play aesthetically pleasing, attacking styles that always seem to fall apart at the worst times? Do you prefer your players small and injury prone? Do you like funny fan reaction videos? Then Arsenal is the team for you! Arsenal can be low-hanging fruit in recent years, but this is still a stacked roster and there’s only so bad they can be. There’s also no telling how good they can be if everyone has their heads on straight (far from a guarantee).
Best Player: Kind of a hard choice on this team but I’ll say Mesut Özil, who is mercurial as they come, or so the press would have you believe. He’s also one of the most talented playmakers in the world and can make passes few players can. Even with all the attacking talent on this team, Arsenal goes as he goes.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you wanted to pick a Big Six team but wanted to do it ironically. Also, you’ll be called a bandwagon jumper if you don’t have at least fifteen “Wenger out” tweets in your history.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot. Arsenal is in the unenviable position of facing huge expectations every year despite a lack of recent results. Call it Cowboys Syndrome. It’s a no-win situation barring a league title, and, spoiler alert, they’re not winning the league this year.
How Good Will They Be? If everyone was just sick of erstwhile manager Arsène Wenger and his old school approach and will play harder and be more focused now, they’ve got the quality to land a Champions League spot. But what if Wenger was the only stabilizing force keeping the whole thing from falling completely apart?
Bournemouth– 2017/18 finish: 12th
Why Pick Bournemouth? If cherry is your favorite flavor, have I got some news for you! Also always wind up playing a bunch of randomly exciting games and usually give the big boys a hard time.
Best Player: Don’t necessarily have one guy so let’s say Simon Francis since he’s the captain and their most important defender.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you picked the most random team you could find.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Not much. Bournemouth has settled nicely into a nice mid-table niche, free from any and all pressure. As long as you’re okay with not winning.
How Good Will They Be? Probably exactly the same as last year.
Brighton & Hove Albion– 2017/18 finish: 15th
Why Brighton? Because Lewis Dunk tied the record for most own goals in a season, which is a perfect metaphor for willingly choosing a team like Brighton.
Best Player: Lewis Dunk for the aforementioned record.
What Will Other People Think of You? That irony is a large part of your personality.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? As much as someone who supports the whimsically named Seagulls can.
How Good Will They Be? Not particularly.
Burnley– 2017/18 finish: 7th
Why Pick Burnley? You know how every year there’s an NFL team that uses a weak schedule to build a falsely-impressive record, and then everyone picks them the next year as a dark-horse contender, only now they have a tougher schedule and the weight of expectations so they struggle? This is Burnley.
Best Player: James Tarkowski. Picking a defender as a team’s best player isn’t quite as abstract as saying an offensive lineman is an NFL team’s best player, but still, I dare you to tell me Tarkowski isn’t good. What do you know about good defending? You’re just a n00b. Probably think it’s called soccer, or something.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re preposterously self-conscious. You clearly wanted a winner but didn’t want the stigma of picking a Big Six team. It’s okay to admit you like watching the best teams, man. Just pick United.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Probably a lot. Jumping on board in the post-surprise season is always risky, especially now that they have to play Europa League games, too.
How Good Will They Be? Won’t get relegated or anything, but to expect another top-7 performance is lunacy.
Cardiff City– 2017/18 finish: 2nd (in Championship)
Why Pick Cardiff City? Why indeed.
Best Player: I could literally say any name here and you’d believe me. I could make up a name and you wouldn’t know. If I said Cardiff City’s best player was Junior Hoilett, you’d just accept it as fact.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you were literally born and raised in Cardiff.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Clearly not much if you can afford to invest so little in sports that you’re picking Cardiff City as your EPL team.
How Good Will They Be? Next year we’ll look back in surprise and ask “Cardiff City was in the Premier League?!?”
Chelsea– 2017/18 finish: 5th
Why Pick Chelsea? You love emotional roller coasters, you love seeing young players succeed on other teams after you give up on them, you like shady Russian businessmen, you think defense wins championships and stats are for losers, blue is your favorite color, you’re only happy when the players on your team are unhappy and in open rebellion against the coach.
Best Player: N’Golo Kanté. Imagine Lionel Messi, but instead of scoring goals he took the ball from the other team.
Other Best Player:
What Will Other People Think of You? That you think you’re smarter than everyone because you picked the least aesthetically pleasing Big Six team, or that you think you’re smarter than everyone because you watched Napoli when they were flying high (their new manager comes from Napoli, where they scored at will), when in reality you just remember Didier Drogba was good in FIFA.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Even with all the drama, they’ve still won two of the last four titles, so clearly not that much.
How Good Will They Be? Legit don’t know where the scoring comes from if/when Eden Hazard leaves, so a spot in the Champions League might be in jeopardy this year.
Crystal Palace– 2017/18 finish: 11th
Why Pick Crystal Palace? Because you consider http://www.briansden69.com your favorite website! Join me in supporting Crystal Palace if you dare (just kidding, don’t. I like it better when I’m the only one that likes something). Why did I pick Palace? Because when I got back into soccer I needed a team, and I thought Crystal Palace was the coolest team name I’d ever heard. Since all my American teams were among the best teams in their respective leagues (and still are), I knew I couldn’t pick a Big Six team, lest I be accused of front-running, a deep fear of mine. As such, I committed to Crystal Palace. As an added bonus, they’re in London and have a good amount of money, so they won’t ever really be that bad!
Best Player: Wilfred Zaha. Walmart Neymar is the end-all, be-all for the Palace attack. If he gets hurt/regresses in any way, they’re gonna have some ugly, ugly games.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re smart, funny, handsome, strong, have good taste, is really fun to be around, have a ton of friends, have a ton of confidence, have a rich and fulfilling personal life, definitely aren’t kind of a loser who plays too many video games and feels like they’ve wasted large portions of their life, and that you kind of picked a team at random.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot. Think of Crystal Palace as an NBA team that’s always the 7th seed. They should be better than the teams that are treading water and staying in the league, aren’t even in the same zip code as the Big Six, and have no real way to get better. But we have the GOAT studio host Rebecca Lowe, though.
How Good Will They Be? Anything above 9th is a great season, so expect a nice 12th place finish.
Everton– 2017/18 finish: 8th
Why Pick Everton? You’re addicted to rooting for teams who are on the verge of taking “the leap” every year but never really do.
Best Player: They’d better hope it’s new addition Richarlison because they spent a lotttttttt of money on him. They spent a lot of money, in general, actually.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you have a closet full of Landon Donovan and Tim Howard jerseys.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You are a danger to yourself. Everton has disappointed on expectations roughly 1,000,000,000 seasons in a row and is usually depressing when they do it. Last season was particularly bleak, so much so that I was stunned they still finished 8th. Don’t bother learning the names of the managers, they tend not to last long. They’re also sponsored by Umbro, which is a bad sign.
How Good Will They Be? They’re likely to be the best non-Big Six team, and made a few legitimately interesting moves during the summer. A Europa League spot should be attainable, barring a typical Everton malaise.
Fulham-2017/18 finish: 3rd (in Championship)
Why Pick Fulham? You’re a big Jags fan, you remember Clint Dempsey (USA had a soccer team, once), you want to root in a team from a posh area, you like boring jerseys.
Best Player: Young winger Ryan Sessegnon. He’s the apple of many huge teams’ eye, but he’s still in West London (for now).
What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re either a Jags fan or remember Clint Dempsey.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Choosing a newly promoted team likely to stay up shows a healthy level of self-love, because it shows you’re easy to please and don’t care too much.
How Good Will They Be? Okay.
Huddersfield Town– 2017/18 finish: 16th
Why Pick Huddersfield? I honestly don’t know why you would.
Best Player: Aaron Mooy, who answers the age old question, “what if Jonjo Shelvey wasn’t raised by meth dealers?” (soccer guys will get that)
What Will Other People Think of You? That you only brought up the fact that you like Huddersfield to trigger a “oh, I’m sorry,” response.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Willingly attaching yourself to a dead-team walking is an interesting strategy, to be sure. I guess you just want to feel any emotion at all, even if it’s the stinging loss of a relegation season.
How Will They Be? How do I put this? Umm, well son, Huddersfield isn’t dead, they just went to live in a farm upstate with the rest of his family.
Leicester City– 2017/18 finish: 9th
Why Pick Leicester? I’ll be honest, I couldn’t pick Leicester. I don’t have nearly enough self-confidence to constantly deal with accusations of frontrunning. It’s been three years, now, but the high of the most unexpected title in sports history is still there. It completely defines the team, as it should. Actual Leicester fans are good for life, now. Literally nothing can take away the fact that they, a random, non-Big Six team, won a title in a sport designed to keep the little guys down. Jumping on now just seems counter-intuitive. They also might not be very good this year.
Best Player: Jamie Vardy. Dominated in their title season and was quietly fourth in the league in goals last year, guy just knows how to score goals and start bar fights.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you still listen to “Took a Pill in Ibiza.”
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? I don’t know. Probably not that much if you’re so comfortable with your own ignorance that you don’t understand that they will never ever ever ever ever ever have a season like 15/16 again.
How Good Will They Be? They won’t get relegated, or anything, but they keep losing players, including Riyad Mahrez, their former best player. This season won’t be anything to write home about.
Liverpool– 2017/18 finish: 4th
Why Pick Liverpool? They’d be the team I’d pick, were I not already committed to #PalaceLife. They’re exciting, have a distinct playing style (Jurgen Klopp is one of the Managers You Need to Know), have one of the best players in the world, have a fun song, and have a ton of history. They’re also owned by the same people that own the Red Sox, if that changes your opinion (I despite Tom Werner and John Henry with a passion, and always will no matter how many World Series the Sox win under them).
Best Player: Mo Salah, who just set the record for goals scored in a 38-game Premier League season. He’s good.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you like Big 12 football, that you’re trying to get on the train early, that you might be a hooligan in training, that you’re probably easily triggered online, that you like to say “27 ringzzz,” that you think Steven Gerrard was better than Xavi.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Not much, because Liverpool is probably the most entertaining team in the Premiership and could make a title run this season.
How Good Will They Be? Could suffer a post-hype decline, but in a world where Manchester City didn’t exist, they might be title favorites.
Manchester City– 2017/18 finish: 1st
Why Pick City? They just had the best season ever, so that could be a deciding factor. They’ve turned the art of goalscoring into a coldly efficient science that could, if viewed through a cynical lens, sap the joy out of the game.
Best Player: Kevin De Bruyne, who is rapidly rising the All-Time Ginger Athletes list. Another exceptional season could see him challenge Brian Scalabrine.
What Will Other People Think of You? Whoo, boy. Picking United is one thing. Picking City means you will get literally no respect from anyone. It might be the worst team you can pick from an intelligentsia point of view. They’re the definition of nouveau-riche, have no history (no good history, at least), and are the perfect bandwagon team. If you can’t prove you were there when they weren’t even in the top flight, don’t bother.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? I envy your self-confidence. A new money team coming off the best season in league history that spends more money than any non-Manchester team in Europe? Couldn’t be me picking them, that’s for sure.
How Good Will They Be? They’ll win the title.
Manchester United– 2017/18 finish: 2nd
Why Pick United? Alright, I know that even you know Manchester United. It’s the most popular team in the world, and for good reason. Just not lately. Because Jose Mourinho (another Manager You Need to Know) sucks the life out of teams then blames everyone else when things don’t go his way. But, hey, they still finished 2nd last year. Also probably the coolest roster top-to-bottom.
Best Player: Paul Pogba, who you surely remember from the World Cup. He was on France! And they won! He’s one of the most talented players in the world, and, when given literally any freedom at all, can totally dominate games. The only problem is Jose never gives him freedom and randomly benches him. Such is life.
What Will People Think of You? That you’re probably also a Yankees-Cowboys-Lakers fan.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? It’s not so much how much you hate yourself, it’s how much everyone else hates you. When you, Manchester United fan, complain about not winning a title in five years next to Huddersfield Town guy you look pretty bad.
How Good Will They Be? They’ll finish 2nd or 3rd.
Newcastle United– 2017/18 finish: 10th
Why Pick Newcastle? If you love owners who inject themselves into every story, both because of their stubbornness in doing things Their Way and their general ineptitude, have I got a team for you! If you pick Newcastle, you’d better learn everything there is to know about Mike Ashley, because you are going to hate him.
Best Player: Jonjo Shelvey, who answers the age old question, “what if Aaron Mooy was raised by meth dealers?”
What Will Other People Think of You? Probably just that you like Newcastle beer.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You are crying for help. No team is a bigger roller coaster than Newcastle, and Ashley will never let it not be so.
How Good Will They Be? Pretty decent, if I had to guess.
Southampton– 2017/18 finish: 17th
Why Pick Southampton? Don’t. They had a great run earlier this decade by virtue of one of the best youth programs in England. That program has dried up and all the good players they produced are gone. They’re not long for this world.
Best Player: I guess James Ward-Prowse because he’s good at free kicks and free kicks are cool.
What Will Other People Think of You? Probably that you’re a weirdo for picking Southampton.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Very much. Only a glutton for punishment would take a team like this at this stage in their history.
How Good Will They Be? Bad. Very, very bad.
Tottenham Hotspur– 2017/18 finish: 3rd
Why Pick Tottenham? Tottenham is like the Falcons: high flying, fun to watch, capable of moments of utter brilliance, one of the best all-around teams in the league, and will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever win anything. It’s just not in their DNA. No Community Shields. No Carabao Cups. No FA Cups. Certainly no European titles. And, of course, no league titles. If you want that constant tease of being the best team not to win, be my guest.
Best Player: Harry Kane. The World Cup’s Golden Boot winner was pissed he was denied a third straight Premier League Golden Boot last season. He’ll come back with a vengeance.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you drink yourself to sleep every night.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? In a weird way, not really. Much like the Cubs and Red Sox, at a certain point not winning becomes your identity and you don’t want to win the title. After all, if you lost the losing, what’s left to live for?
How Good Will They Be? For much of the season they’ll be within striking distance of the top, only to lose one or two key games that cost them a Champions League spot.
Watford– 2017/18 finish: 14th
Why Pick Watford? You like Elton John, right? Of course you do. Everyone likes Elton John. “Rocket Man,” “Tiny Dancer,” “Daniel?” Can’t beat it. Elton John likes Watford, you know. Used to own them.
Best Player: Elton John. The famous songsmith had a good season in front of goal last season, racking up 15 goals. He’s looking to build on that and is reportedly in the best shape of his life.
What Will Other People Think of You? That Saturday Night is your favorite time of the week.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You get so mad watching your team you’ve created an alter-ego named “The Bitch.”
How Good Will They Be? I fear the Sun will go down on Watford this season.
West Ham United– 2017/18 finish: 13th
Why Pick West Ham? Tertiary Harry Potter character Dean Thomas is a West Ham fan, so there’s that. No, I didn’t look that up. It’s been in my brain for like, fifteen years. I retain information well, deal with it.
Best Player: Call me crazy, but I kind of like this roster, particularly newly acquired midfielder Felipe Anderson. They badly needed a new midfield presence this year, and he should provide a bit of a creative spark.
What Will People Think of You? That you have good taste in jersey colors.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Much like Manchester United, it’s more of how much people will hate you, only this time, it’s the West Ham fans themselves. They don’t like change very much and won’t readily accept a new member to their ranks.
How Good Will They Be? Going for that upper-mid table finish, boiii.
Wolverhampton Wanderers– 2017/18 finish: 1st (in Championship)
Why Pick Wolverhampton? If you’re Portuguese, they literally acquired every non-Ronaldo Portuguese player to ever play this offseason. They’re also in the nice position of being a newly promoted team that could actually be pretty good, which means more money, which means better players, which means more money, and on and on it goes until they max out at a 6th place finish.
Best Player: I don’t know if he’s their best player or not, but Adama Traoré is awesome. Watch this highlight video:
What Will Other People Think of You? That you live in Brooklyn Seattle and love wearing knit hats 24/7.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot, only because you care about seeming smart to other people so badly that you picked the up-and-coming hipster team.
How Good Will They Be? They do reek of “too much, too fast,” but they could be a good team. Competitive, at the very least. They won’t be relegated for a while.
There you have it. All twenty teams. Do you have a better idea of who you like, now? You better, because I certainly don’t feel like doing this much work again. For the first few weekends, don’t be afraid to experiment. Watch a bunch of games, figure out what you like. Inevitably come back to the Big Six because who in their right mind would pick anyone else? The only thing that matters is that you’re joining an exclusive club. A group of people who wake up early on weekends, pick up a few breakfast sandwiches, turn on the tube and watch some EPL all morning before watching football all afternoon. Maybe only I do that, but you’ll like it, I promise. The Premier League is the most popular sports league in the world for a reason, and I’m glad you’ll be there to find out why.
Welcome back to the Burning Questions Mailbag. Everyone’s favorite recurring segment has returned with a vengeance, and this is the biggest one yet. The people didn’t disappoint and submitted more Burning Questions than ever before, and I’m more than happy to answer all some of them. Let’s dive right in.
Jerry S. asks: What’s the deal with math?
I’ll be honest, this was my question, not Jerry’s. This is what prompted me to revive the BQMB. What’s up with math? Why do all these complex equations and formulas exist? Every single one of them is an arbitrary human construct designed to solve a problem that humans created. It’s all fake. What real world application does calculus have? When’s the last time algebra helped anyone? What’s the point of any mathematical function outside of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division? Who decided what pi is and who decided it’s infinite? Sine and cosine are the fakest, most pointless things ever. Like who gives a shit what the area of an isosceles triangle is? Why do we still teach our children this crap? If you want to spend the rest of your life playing make believe with all the other mathematicians, you should have to declare yourself a math loser in like, fourth grade so everyone else doesn’t have to waste valuable education time on such a nonsensical and impractical discipline. Like the math problem from Good Will Hunting? Why does that even exist? Why are there unsolvable math problems if math itself is 100000000% man-made? Why did we create something we couldn’t solve? Just proves my point that advanced math is illegitimate and clearly something that should be kept in Neverland where it belongs.
pestooneverything asks: Why would Tory Lanez use a stage name when his real name is Daystar Peterson and what would your stage name be?
That’s a great question. As for the first part, you’d have to ask Tory Lanez himself. I tried contacting him, but he’s not returning my calls at the moment. It’s a long story. As for my stage name, I’m not quite sure. It’s have to be something catchy, and probably short. Maybe I’ll just be Brian. I don’t know, needs workshopping. One thing I know for certain, though, is that my nickname would be Mr. Mistoffelees. The nickname to the nickname is arguably more important, and I need to let people know what I’m all about. I think Mr. Mistoffelees gets the point across.
WhiteKong asks: What’s the worst city in America?
There are a lot, and I mean a LOT, of contenders for this. There’s my hometown of Rutland, Vermont. There’s good ol’ St. Louis. There’s my new home of New York City. There’s probably ten thousand terrible cities across this great country. But, in my mind, the big three of terrible American cities are Reno, Nevada, Detroit, Michigan, and Tampa, Florida. Detroit is obvious and kind of sad, but Reno and Tampa are living monuments to the most reviled sect of the American population: white trash. Nevada opened itself up to cities like Reno getting so bad by making the entire state a lawless commune. If you have the opportunity to trick people into thinking you’re just like Vegas, you’re gonna do it. It’s just when you don’t have any of the allure and panache you’re left with a hellhole of epic proportions. And Tampa is like if every stereotype you have of white people in Florida was a city.
ConfusedReader asks: Can someone focus on their career and have a family without compromising on either end?
Welcome to the Dear Abby portion of the program. Friend, I don’t know if you’ve ever read this website before, but I’m about as close to having a family or fulfilling career as I am to curing cancer, and I can assure you I’m not particularly close to curing cancer.
Out of goodwill, though, I must answer. I’d say yes, because people have been wondering this since the dawn of time and nothing about the way we structure professional lives has ever changed, so I’m guessing people figure it out? If you’re super dedicated to your work, a workaholic, or just plain old obsessed with your career, good luck finding someone that puts up with that longterm, but if you’ve got a regular 40-hour-a-week position, I don’t see why not. As long as you make it to little Jimmy’s baseball games so he doesn’t resent you for not being there, I think you can, at the very least, trick your family into thinking you care more about them than that nice promotion on the horizon.
movieman asks: I’m a little late, but I should totally get MoviePass, right?
Totally. Love MoviePass. It’s how I can afford to see all these movies and live in New York at the same time. Really, if you go like, ten times in a year it pays for itself. Wait, what’s that? MoviePass literally ran out of money and had to get a $5 million loan and is now raising prices and restricting access to blockbusters? Yiiiiiiikeessssss. R.I.P. MoviePass. It was a good run that seemed too good to be true every time I used it. Turns out it was. A free tip for every fledgling business owner out there: make sure you have a way to make money. Hard to stick around if you don’t.
Brian asks: Who was the first underwear manufacturer to account for erections?
Wonderful question, Brian. I’m not sure the answer to that, but I do know who has the most comfortable underwear. That’s right, it’s MeUndies! Right now, my readers can get 10% off their first purchase. Just go to meundies.com and enter the promo code: Brian.
DesperateLover asks: What’s the most polite way to ask for nudes?
“Excuse me, can I please have some nudes?”
BlacktopLebron asks: What’s your current All-White NBA Team?
Don’t know if you mean American white or Euros included, but I’m gonna include Euros just because.
Starters
G- Luka Doncic
G- Evan Fornier
F- Gordan Hayward
F- Kevin Love
C- Kristaps Porzingis
Bench
F- Dirk Nowitzki
F- Doug McDermott
G- Kyle Korver
C- Marc Gasol
C- Pau Gasol
G- Matthew Dellavedova
G- JJ Redick
We’re scoring a lot of points, buttttttt defense might be a bit of an issue.
X asks: Now that Dad Hats are back, what will be the next cool hat?
Cycling hats. Trust me, these things are gonna be huge.
AngryPerson asks: Why did you love Mamma Mia 2 so much? I hated it and loved the first one.
Well, you have my condolences. Being born with no taste must have been very hard for you. Mamma Mia 2 is better because it takes the best part about the first one (the music) and puts it front and center. Mamma Mia tried to have a real storyline, when, in reality, this is quite possibly the most far-fetched franchise plot-wise in history. Mamma Mia 2 embraces the absurdity and just gives the audience banger after banger, while Mamma Mia was caught trying to be both Les Mis and Grease, which didn’t work. 2 knows what it is, 1 didn’t. Both are still fire movies, though.
GuythatworksforXboxandisalegitimateInsiderwhothinksIhaveactualanswers asks: What’s going to be the next big technology that changes gaming? Better AI? 8K? Cloud computing?
Just going off my gut instinct, here, but the next big shift in gaming technology is going to be physical gaming. Imagine this- you have a representation of the game’s world in front of you (let’s call it a board), and a piece (or two, or three, etc.) that acts as a stand-in for the avatar, and, using things like random number generators and games of chance, you move your piece across the game board, fulfilling objectives, collecting loot, and competing against other players. I just think that’s where games are going.
Joseph asks: What’s the most annoying fan base?
I feel like I’ve touched on this before, but the five most annoying fan bases are 5. Patriots (I concede we can be very annoying and easily #triggered at times, but when the entire world makes it their mission to #trigger you, I’m sorry if I have a short fuse) 4. Star Wars (they hardcore fans that complain about everything and make me like the movies less) 3. St. Louis Cardinals (like Yankee fans but midwest) 2. Kobe (Kobe is not a top ten player of all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time) and, of course, 1. Yankees. I’m admittedly biased. But that stupid candle-light vigil for Aaron Judge (who hasn’t even Earned his Pinstripes, IMO) is why the entire country hates every single one of those mongoloid losers. There isn’t a more self-serious and self-aggrandizing group of people on the planet. Please @ me so I can tell you how stupid and detestable you all are.
DP asks: Why are you so soft on Kevin Durant?
Because everyone is so hard on him, and it makes me feel smart to go against public opinion, especially when the basis of most people’s argument is the imaginary concept of “loyalty.” Yes, it completely shattered the competitive balance of the league, but, I don’t know. I just don’t care.
FootballJunkie asks: Who’s your top ten skill position (non-QB) in the NFL?
God, just seeing the word football has me fiending something fierce. This is summer is last in my seasonal power rankings- training camp is the longest period of time ever. I just want some regular season action. Feed me Bengals-Colts on Thursday night. Anyway, top ten skill guys, non-QB.
Healthy Rob Gronkowsi
Antonio Brown
Odell Beckham, Jr.
Julio Jones
Le’veon Bell
A.J. Green
Todd Gurley
DeAndre Hopkins
Travis Kelce
David Johnson
Mr. Thoughtful asks: What’s a good first anniversary gift to give my girlfriend? She likes adventures and traveling but I have no money 😦
Ahh, the age old question. How to keep my significant other appeased despite the fact that I don’t have the necessary funds to shower them in lavish gifts? A true dilemma, if I’ve ever heard one. A love of adventures and traveling, you say? Hmmm. I think I know just the thing! How about a trip to lovely Reno, Nevada! It’s all some of the glitz and glamor of Las Vegas at half the price! It’s an adventure because you won’t know if you’ll get sick from the used needles on the side of the road or the extreme second-hand smoke inhalation, and it’s traveling because I’m assuming you’re a real person and don’t live in Nevada. It’s a win-win! Or, you could make a bunch of artistic renderings of the two of you in all the places you’d like to go and hide them throughout the house. She might appreciate the effort.
BlacktopGriffey asks: Who’s your top ten current MLB players?
A lot of lists this time, but I’m always game to give definitive player rankings that no one can possibly dispute. I’ll do top ten position players and top ten pitchers.
Position Players
Mike Trout
Mookie Betts
Jose Ramirez
Nolan Arenado
J.D. Martinez
Francisco Lindor
Manny Machado
Jose Altuve
Aaron Judge
Joey Votto
Pitchers
Chris Sale
Max Scherzer
Clayton Kershaw
Jacob deGrom
Justin Verlander
Aaron Nola
Gerrit Cole
Corey Kluber
Luis Severino
Zack Greinke
Briansden69 asks: Remember when you went to the Denver Airport and became indoctrinated by the Illuminati? Whatever happe-
Well, I think that’ll about do it for this edition of the Burning Questions Mailbag. Always good to hear from readers and ease their troubled minds. I’ll keep my brain churning to come up with some more Burning Questions as long as you all do, too. Remember, if you have a question, I have the answer.
Can’t believe it’s already been a month since the World Cup kicked off. We’ve come a long way since Russia decimated Saudi Arabia on opening night, and I think we’re all better people for it. My beloved France (as I said in my All-Hair Team, I took French from 4th grade to my senior year of high school, so if anyone’s allowed to jump on the bandwagon, it’s me) lifted the famous old trophy as World Cup Champions Champions du Monde. Thrilling final for a thrilling World Cup, and it’s only gotten me more hyped up for the 2022 World Cup, which will inevitably boil down to a USA vs. Ireland final. But before we look too far ahead, let’s take one last look back at the World Cup that was.
I feel very vindicated as a longtime Paul Pogba stan. I realize I haven’t discussed a ton of footy on here (will try to get more up as the Premier League season approaches), but Pogba is one of my favorite players to watch. He’s so goddamn cool and smooth and talented, and managers simply cannot figure out how to use him right. Jose Mourinho tries to fit a singular talent into his no-frills, no-fun strategy, Didier Deschamps tells him he’ll be spending most of the game as a glorified David Luiz. Just put him out there and let him do whatever he wants. He’s someone who can completely dominate games if you let him, and I just hope someone does soon.
If I could be anywhere in the world at any point in history, I think I’d choose to be at whatever fast food joint Harry Maguire and Harry Kane went to after losing to Croatia. I’d partake as well, sure, but I’d just want to observe. I know for a fact they each spent at least $25, which is at least $60 in regular, non-fast food money.
People forget Harry Kane is a huge Pats fan, which means not only is he smarter than he looks, but I am proud to call him my Golden Boot winner. His one open play goal came on a bizarre deflection off his heel, a perfect representation of not only the Harry Kane experience as a whole, but this World Cup in general.
Congrats on the Golden Generation on achieving what no Golden Generation has done before- winning the World Cup third place game. I can’t imagine how good it feels to prove all the pundits right when they called Belgium the future of the sport.
Congrats on the other Golden Generation at this World Cup for achieving what no Golden Generation has done before- getting blown out in the final. People forget Croatia had a Golden Generation, too, and their’s actually has some mental toughness. Just ran out of gas against better competition.
Have to address it: the Putin umbrella picture-Listen, Putin’s a scumbag but if you don’t at least respect this then you’ve never been caught in a rainstorm. If you rule your country with an iron fist, you’d better have an umbrella guy if you want to be taken seriously on the world stage.
That being said, and not to get too political here, but I’m starting to doubt Putin’s toughness a little bit. You let Pussy Riot dunk on you in public again? Dude, just have them all killed, what are you doing? Unless you want to tell me Pussy Riot is actually run by the state to try and convince the world there’s some political resistance to Putin’s reign, I can’t think of a reason why they’re still alive. If you’re the president of Russia there are literally no laws. You can do whatever you want. Pussy Riot’s been making you look like an idiot for like six years now and they’re still alive? Couldn’t be my dictator, I’ll tell you that much.
Luka Modric wins Golden Ball as the best player, which I have no issue with, but Eden Hazard and Antoine Griezmann winning Silver and Bronze Ball, respectively, is incorrect. It should have been Modric Gold, N’Golo Kanté Silver, and either Paul Pogba or Kevin De Bruyne Bronze.
The haters will say Kanté had a bad final, and he did. But (putting on my snarky internet guy hat) if you actually watched France play you know he was their best player all tournament. They pretty much built their entire strategy around him and his unique skills. If Les Bleus was a sports car, he’s the engine and the driver.
Big tournament for dads everywhere, as defense claims their first major championship in many, many years.
Getting your silver medal in the pouring rain seems like the worst thing of all time.
R.I.P. to one of my favorite things to do- reminding all the n00bs that wonder how much Mbappé will be sold for that he’s already the second most expensive player of all time and PSG would be idiotic (i.e., forced by UEFA) to sell him now.
The Official Brininho’s Den Team of the Tournament- GK- Thibaut Courtois, Belgium, Defense- Thomas Meunier, Belgium, Raphael Varane, France, Domagoj Vida, Croatia, Benjamin Pavard, France, Midfield- Luka Modric, Croatia, N’Golo Kanté, France, Paul Pogba, France, Forwards- Kylian Mbappé, France, Harry Kane, England, Neymar, Jr., Brazil
Remember when Robbie Williams performed at the opening ceremony? So weird thinking back on that.
I hope all the journalists who had been detained for suspicion of possibly complaining about the Russian conditions are released safely, but i wouldn’t count on it. Safer to just keep in the the gulag where they can’t squeal.
I didn’t think I would ever see a beatdown quite like the national anthem battle between France and Belgium, but I guess I underestimated the badness of Croatia’s national anthem. Listen to this:
Honestly amazed they even played the game after that bloodbath.
While it was nice being able to just enjoy what was easily the most entertaining World Cup since 2014 without having to worry about America’s shortcomings, I’m just itching to see the boys get back out there and start disappointing again. 2022’s gonna be amazing, particularly since they’re going to 48 teams. It’ll be impossible to miss it, now!
That’ll do it for the 2018 World Cup. It was a wild ride, and I won’t be forgetting it for a long, long time. For anyone who was neutral that got hooked on soccer, congratulations. For anyone who was a hater but is warming up to the beautiful game, we’ll be here waiting for you to see the light. And for those of you who might actually care about soccer for more than a month at a time now, welcome to the good side. Club seasons start in less than a month, with Champions League not far behind. Need a team? Fret not, fair reader, for I’ll have you covered in due time. For now, just enjoy the afterglow of a wonderful international tournament as you prepare for the club experience, where there’s more goals and better fútbol. It’s great, trust me. Go Crystal Palace.
The World Cup 2018 Final is set. France vs. Croatia. No, I’m not crying out of sadness that the World Cup is ending. I’m crying out of joy that my beloved France is going to hoist the old trophy once again. I took four years of French in high school (got a 2 on the AP exam, what’s up?) and may or may not have some French ancestry, so I’m practically a native Frenchman. In fact, you could call me a Nice Guy. Get it? Because Nice is a city in France. I actually do love this France team, though, even though I’ve been fairly lukewarm on them until now. Watching Paul Pogba play for his international side reminds me of why I fell in love with him (and soccer after a lengthy period of being a dumb hater) in the first place: when unbound by the oppressive shackles of Jose Mourinho, he’s just really really cool and fun to watch (#analysis). Mbappé is obviously awesome and, in a just world, N’Golo Kanté would be named Player of the Tournament (I’ve decided that this is the soccer equivalent of saying J.J. Watt should have won MVP during his dominant seasons). Plus, the next time they don’t have great jerseys will be the first. And yet, despite all that, we live in a world where it isn’t really that crazy to think Croatia will win the World Cup. 2018 is wild, man.
But we’re not here to talk about boring things like on-field results and post-tournament awards. We’re here to talk about the real honor: the 2018 World Cup All-Hair Team. The eleven players who displayed the highest hair acumen and execution. Now, we’re unfortunately no longer in the era of experimentation. For the most part, there’s three styles you’ll see: buzz, undercut, and bun/ponytail. Gone are the days of Zidane and Ronaldo (original). As such, players who took risks are rewarded, here. The All-Hair Team isn’t just a magazine of cool styles you can show your barber. It’s a tribute to risk-takers and those confident enough to stand out. So, yes, quality is always rewarded. But if a player’s hair isn’t the first thing you notice about him, how can he really be part of the All-Hair Team? The answer is he can’t. So, without further ado, the All-Hair Team. We’re going with a 4-5-1 because that fits our players best.
Manager- Hervé Renard, Morocco
There’s a lot of personalities on this team. A lot of divas. A lot of guys who think their hair gives them free reign to do whatever they please. I need a manager who can bring everyone together. A manager who doesn’t take any guff and has the full respect of the locker room. A manager with hair that can go toe-to-toe with any of his players’. That can only be one man- Hervé Renard. One look at him tells you everything you need to know. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say he has the best manager hair of all time.
Goalkeeper- Kasper Schmeichel, Denmark (captain)
The captain of the All-Hair Team couldn’t rely on tricks and gimmicks for his look. He needed some of the best hair the world has ever seen. I was wondering if we would see someone like that at this year’s tournament, but, like a ray of light sent from above, Kasper Schmeichel’s glorious locks shone down upon us. A truly stunning head of hair. Fair, soft, perfectly coiffed. It somehow got better the sweatier he got, which, needless to say, is high degree of difficulty stuff. He was already a legend from Leicester City (and his father), but this hair performance is the kind of thing that leads to a big money transfer. I’m proud to call him my captain.
Defense- Domagoj Vida, Croatia
I’ll be honest, when you combine the hairline with the overall quality of hair, this is one of the worst looks of all time. But I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s been stuck in my mind since the group stage and only tightened its grip on my brain as they’ve advanced to the final. Isn’t that the true spirit of the All-Hair Team, in the end? To say this wasn’t one of the eleven most memorable haircut of the World Cup would be disingenuous. Plus, I’m not going to be the one who tells a guy named Domagoj he didn’t make the cut.
Defense- Román Torres, Panama
In an era where everyone is constantly changing their hair and no one has a signature style, this is a signature style. The Brian Grant of world football, Román Torres’s dreads add a different flavor to what can seem a very one-note group of ‘dos. Is he a powerful center back or a beach bum permanently on island time? Who knows? That hair isn’t giving any clues, that’s for sure.
Defense- Harry Maguire, England
They say pets resemble their owners, and I think the same can be said for hair. Just like the body it belongs to, this hair is thicc as hell, and is the perfect combination of goofy and suave. I’ll be honest, I love Harry Maguire (I don’t even want to know how much Taco Bell he crushed after losing to Croatia) and kind of just wanted an excuse to put him on this team. He brings a much-needed carefree attitude to this group of primadonnas, and will undoubtedly be the glue that holds the locker room together. Probably takes him ten seconds to get his hair ready, which will diversify the styling approaches on the team.
Defense- Toby Alderweireld, Belgium
As textbook “soccer haircut” as it gets. Short fade on the side, slicked back up top. About ten million of these to choose from, so the fact that Toby stood out (and I needed another defender) says a lot. Can teach the other players a lot about precision and what to tell your barber to get what you want. Also definitely uses some questionable hair products that he gets from “his guy” that may or may not be the result of illegal animal testing. He’ll hook you up if you want, though.
Winger- Willian, Brazil
Don’t care if it’s 1818, 1918, or 2018. Good afros always play. Willian has a good afro. Apologies to Axel Witsel, but only one afro per team.
Midfield- Valon Behrami, Switzerland
I respect anyone who clings to vestiges of the past, and my man Valon’s trying his hardest to keep the bleach blonde look alive. Unfortunately, I was still unable to make my own decisions when this craze was still widespread, otherwise I undoubtedly would have joined in. If I were but a few years older, I would be able to insert a picture of my younger self with platinum blonde hair for your enjoyment. Alas.
Midfield- Diego Laxalt, Uruguay
Speaking of keeping old fads alive. I don’t mean to insult the good people of Uruguay, but if their players are still rocking cornrows in 2018 I doubt they’ll see this post for another decade or so. They’re going to love Lost, I can feel it. I’m worried what will happen to Diego’s psyche when he finds out that Luis Suarez bit some people a few years back. Might kill Uruguayan team chemistry, but luckily there’s only man from Uruguay on this roster.
Midfield- Rúrik Gíslason, Iceland
You may know him as Iceland’s resident male model, I know him as a man with an all time head of hair. He was in strong contention for the captainship, but I need someone’s who’s actually good wearing the armband. I think he technically played, but Rúrik Gíslason didn’t make the All-Hair Team for his futbol prowess. Like Loki, he stole the goddess Sif’s golden locks, but instead of using her hair for nefarious gains, he decided to start wearing it himself. If Chris Hemsworth ever feels like stepping away from the moviestar life, I know someone who can take his place.
Winger- Neymar, Brazil
The ultimate chameleon, Neymar had new hair every game, each one of them money. Took a lot of heat for flopping and rolling around on the ground too much, but he should have been getting praise for his willingness to try new hairstyles. It takes a brave man to go with some of the looks he did, and that courageousness is what gets him a spot on the All-Hair Team. He brings flair and an inimitable style, and, barring a complete loss of hair, he’ll be headlining the 2022 All-Hair Team, as well.
Striker, Always and Forever- Olivier Giroud, France (co-captain)
The true G.O.A.T. Giroud has a permanent place on the All-Hair Team, the All-Style Team, the All-Beard Team, the All-Handsome Team, every possible team that isn’t related to scoring goals. He’s the only one on the roster who made it before his team played a game. He is, quite possibly, the most French person to ever live and I mean that as a positive. I don’t think he owns a winery but at the same time why wouldn’t he? He was born into a finely tailored silk swaddling cloth and was suckled on a bottle of cologne. He is the face of the All-Hair Team, and I couldn’t feel better about having him up top.
I would like to remind any potential haters who might disagree with this team that the All-Hair Team is chosen by a committee of some of the finest styling minds in the world. I am just their herald, revealing their divine choices to the uncultured masses. So don’t direct your qualms at me, maybe direct them inward and wonder why you have such bad taste. As for the water-boy on the All-Hair Team, well, I think yours truly has it locked up.
Welcome to the Summer of GOATs changing teams. First LeBron, now Ronaldo (co-GOAT). If Celine Dion takes her act to the Venetian in the next couple months we’ll really be seeing something special.
This has been kind of a weird saga since, if you’ve been paying attention, this move to Juventus was first reported about a week ago, no one on either side came close to denying it, and the final fee (€100 million) was the exact number that was first reported. So why the delay? Who knows. Maybe to give him time to write his Player’s Tribune article open letter to the fans. Or to try and upstage as much of the World Cup as possible. Or, more likely, to iron out the contractual kinks. Whatever the case, a new species of goat in coming to Torino (if you opt to say the Americanized Turin I hate you. Torino is so much better to say. Literally every single Italian city name is better in Italian and for some reason we felt the need to make worse versions of them because most Americans are too stupid to pronounce things correctly).
So why did CR7 want out? I’m guessing he was just kind of burnt out at Madrid. It’s not like he needs to move to win, or anything. Real literally can’t stop winning trophies. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery. Sometimes you just need to go somewhere with laxer tax laws. I won’t lie and tell you I’m an expert on Serie A, but something tells me they’ll have no problem letting Ronaldo skate by without paying his taxes if he’s still Ronaldo.
As for what this means for Serie A and the world at large, I don’t imagine much changing. Juventus won the league last year (and pretty much does every year), and something tells me adding Ronaldo won’t hurt their chances at adding another title to their cabinet. They’ll probably be a really fun team to watch, but I’ll be honest, you’ve gotta be a real diehard to regularly watch Italian league soccer. I don’t even know what network it’s on, but I’m guessing every time Ronaldo and Gonzalo Higuain start up front together they’ll play this:
Champions League will be the best time to watch them, and that’s where this move will have the biggest impact, anyway. Juventus was always kind of a secondary contender, a team that was always deep in the tournament but never a serious threat to win, but now they have to be taken seriously. For me, there are now six teams who could legitimately win the 2018-19 Champions League: Juventus, Real Madrid, Barcelona, PSG, Bayern Munich, and Manchester City. It’ll probably just be Real again because, you’ll never believe this, they’re still super stacked and will probably just go out and buy Harry Kane or something. But the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to like Juventus’ chances. They could very well be the highest scoring team in Europe this season, and, even without Gigi Buffon, they still have one of the strongest defenses in the world. It’s a strong take, but I think the team with Cristiano Ronaldo has a chance to go really far in the Champions League.
The most fascinating part of this for me is the transfer fee of €100 million. I realize that every transfer market is different, Ronaldo is 33, and PSG felt like they had to extravagantly overpay, but it’s crazy to me that Neymar is viewed as twice as valuable as Ronaldo. Soccer is a young man’s game, but there’s been no drop-off from Ronaldo whatsoever to this point. In many ways he’s getting better, just like Tom Brady or LeBron. I think he’ll stave off a drastic decline through sheer force of will and remain, at the very least, a world class striker for another three or four years. Does anyone have any doubt who’s going to lead Serie A in goals this season? Hint: it’s going to be Ronaldo. All things considered, €100 million for Cristi might turn out to be a massive bargain. I love this for Juventus, and if I’m a Real Madrid fan I don’t think I could ever forgive the Spanish government. Some things are bigger than civic duty, and keeping GOATs happy is one of them.
We’re officially in the nitty-gritty of the 2018 World Cup. The cheese is getting a little more binding with each passing moment, and the mere contenders are being separated from the potential champions. You’ll never believe this, but Brazil is looking like the team to beat. When are we going to get the takes that Brazil ruined fútbol by having too many good players? Or is that strictly an NBA complaint? Probably just NBA. Anyway, one team has already secured its place in the semis, and the other three spots will be filled by the end of the day tomorrow. Only a few more games of Cup action left, so make sure to cherish them. World Cup 2022 might never even happen.
I think it’s finally time I weigh in on the take that was sweeping the web during the group stage- if you legitimately think watching games on Telemundo is the superior viewing experience I hate you. It’s such a try-hard, “Look at me I just started watching soccer yesterday so I think it’s cool when people go crazy in other languages” move. It’d be like writing a series of blogs about the World Cup despite having inconsistent (at best) soccer coverage during the rest of the year. Saying Telemundo is better is the biggest soccer-noob move out there. Be better.
Such a bummer we didn’t get the GOAT-off. Especially after Uruguay pooped themselves against France. If David Stern is really bored in retirement, I’ve got an idea for his next project.
After much deliberation, I have decided that, if I ever pull the trigger, the one jersey I’ll buy from this World Cup will be the France white:It’s just so clean, plus the red and blue heather-effect? And the rooster logo? I put that on and I’ll be looking like Oliver Giroud in no time.
Japan with one of the worst losses of all time. Just brutal, but at the same time the most predictable outcome of all time. Tough to be the first team Belgium doesn’t fold against when they’re faced with the slightest hint of adversity. Japan is always a sentimental favorite of mine (I think I’ve spoken enough about the various Japanese things I love for that to be apparent), so that was a tough final 30 minutes to watch. I refuse to make the lazy seppuku joke, but you can if you want to.
Speaking of Japan, they went semi-viral for leaving the locker room spotless after their loss. Everyone raced to pat them on the back for being classy and respectful, and while I’m sure that’s true, I think they were cleaning out of shock. Sometimes something so crazy happens to you that your brain shuts off and you just start acting out of instinct. I think this loss was so bad every Japanese player decided to clean the locker room because it would give them an escape from the harsh reality that they choked big time.
When Xherdan Shaqiri can’t lead you to the quarterfinals against the surprise team of the tournament (R.I.P Xherdan Shaqiri hobbit jokes):
England vs. Colombia was amazing because it literally felt like every single player was trying to get ejected. It’s rare to see that type of mutual hatred these days. My favorite part was when it was clear American referee Mark Geiger had no control of the game so a Colombian player would kick the shit out of an England player and act like he was on the Kings during the 2002 Western Conference Finals when he got called for a foul. Love a good ref feud.
If Brazil vs. Belgium isn’t the greatest game of all time I might retire from the Internet (not really).
If France vs. Brazil/Belgium isn’t the greatest game of all time I might retire from the Internet (not really).
If Russia vs. Croatia isn’t the greatest- actually, yeah, never mind on that one.
No one’s that surprised that Russia’s benefiting from some favorable whistles, right? Like what ref has the balls to call a penalty against Russia in Russia with five minutes left in extra time? I know I wouldn’t. Russia is also clearly doping/bribing/cheating in some way but I think I love it. Soccer needs a villain and Russia winning the World Cup would be high comedy.
Over/under on Neymar rolls for the rest of the tournament has been set at 42.5.
Talk about a rollercoaster ride for goalkeepers. For every Kasper Schmeichel miracle save there’s a David de Gea or Fernando Muslera brain fart. Don’t know why anyone would choose to be a goalie.
Massive moment- the All Hair Team has officially named its captain:Stunning. Majestic. Pure beauty. Kasper.
The Milkshake Duck effect has ruined World Cup superfans. No longer do we get to find a random person the cameras picked up in the group stage, learn all their quirks and charming devotion, and slowly fall in and out of love with them as we discover their terrible Soundcloud and old pictures of them at Nazi rallies. I want my broadcast producers to be less woke.
Gabriel Jesus is allergic to scoring goals. He flat out refuses to do it. An interesting strategy for striker, to be sure.
Where does Kevin De Bruyne rank among all-time ginger athletes? He has to be above Andy Dalton.
Don’t get why anyone would choose to have a short goalkeeper. I get the quickness aspect, but I feel like height and length is such an inherent advantage at that position.
Romelu Lukaku not being the best player in the Premier League makes absolutely no sense to be. Guy’s literally got everything.
If you still dislike soccer after this World Cup (not saying a die hard fan, just able to say soccer can be fun), you’re just a blind h8r, and hate looks ugly on everyone.
After a truly thrilling couple weeks, we’re done with the group stage of the 2018 World Cup. There were tears, death-defying injury recoveries, ecstasy (perhaps emotional and pharmaceutical, if you catch my drift), and plenty of drama. So much drama, in fact, that I am suffering severe withdrawals from a lack of Cup matches today. Who needs days off? Just power through this thing. Survival of the fittest, and what have you. Surely the Russian government will be more than willing to give up some of its ultra-steroids to keep everyone fit. Anyway, the knockout stages will either continue the excitement or be a dull return to reality. Hard hitting analysis, I know, but it’s true. As we say goodbye to the haters and losers that failed to advance, let’s remember all the good times we had in the group stage and look forward to the teams who are actually good trying to beat each other.
I would like to formally petition the English FA and the whatever Belgium’s sports governing body is to refund me for the two hours of my life wasted on watch their “game.” That is why most (stupid) Americans can’t get into soccer.
Somehow, either Sweden or Switzerland is guaranteed a quarterfinal spot, and, should England defeat Colombia, could easily make the semifinal. This is an unexpected development and I’m shocked the ghost of Sepp Blatter allowed it to happen.
Wait, so it turns out Russia only looks good against the worst teams in the tournament? And that they fold against legitimate competition? Huh???????
While I’m not weeping at Germany’s cowardly elimination, I must say it would have been very funny if Mexico had won its first two games and then didn’t advance because they got TROUNCED by a mediocre Sweden team. Whatever, give me more Landon Donovan takes.
I honestly don’t know what to make of France. At no point have they looked anything other than total shit, yet I’d be terrified to pick against them. Talent typically finds a way to win in international competitions, so count them out at your own peril.
It’s officially #GOATszn, and there’s a universe where both Portugal and Argentina pull off upsets to set up the ultimate GOAT-off in the quarterfinals. I neeeeeeeeed this. I need this more than air to breathe. I just want to say I was alive during what would undoubtedly be the most absurd day in Twitter history. Give me CR7 vs. Messi or give me death.
Before we go any further, I’d like to take the time to remember everything we lost during the group stage. Scroll slowly for full effect.
RIP Hair
Quick Golden Boot check- Harry Kane 5, Romelu Lukaku and Cristiano Ronaldo 4, Diego Costa and Denis Cheryshev with 3, many others with 2, Messi with 1. I think Lukaku has the best shot of playing the longest, so logic would favor him. My pre-tournament picks of Timo Werner, Olivier Giroud, Thomas Muller, Robert Lewandowski, and Neymar have combined for 1. Nice.
Surprisingly little in the way of negative press about the host country, unlike the last major international sporting event that took place in Russia. I’m guessing it’s because no one complains about trivial things quite like American journalists and America, you know, didn’t make it. Also Putin has probably strong-armed the world media into only saying good things.
When Xherdan Shaqiri drags you into the knockout round and you get to face the weakest non-Russia opponent
OFFICIAL PREDICTIONS FOR EACH GAME:
Uruguay-Portugal= Portugal
France-Argentina= Argentina (or France if Uruguay wins and takes all the fun out of it)
Brazil-Mexico= Brazil
Belgium-Japan= Belgium
Spain-Russia= Spain
Croatia-Denmark= Croatia
Sweden-Switzerland= Switzerland
Colombia-England= England
I retract my former statement about the lack of bad Russia stories, because apparently Marcelo’s injury was caused by his hotel mattress. For shame.
Stinks that there’s some big injuries to key players. Marcelo’s back, James Rodriguez’s calf, Neymar’s death, resurrection, death, resurrection, death, and resurrection have really put an asterisk on this tournament.
There must be more than one Neymar, because he’s died on the field at least ten times. I mean, some of the hits this guy takes. How can anyone be expected to get back up? But then, before you know it, another Neymar is out there wearing number 10 to take the deceased one’s place. Some crazy science/magic going on here.
Think that does it for this round. I’m practically twitching with anticipation for these knockout games, where Lionel Messi will, without a doubt, score at least four goals every game. It’s his destiny. Just like it’s my destiny to be correct in all matters of football, whether foreign or domestic.
Listen, Putin’s a scumbag but if you don’t at least respect this then you’ve never been caught in a rainstorm. If you rule your country with an iron fist, you’d better have an umbrella guy if you want to be taken seriously on the world stage.
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It’s just so clean, plus the red and blue heather-effect? And the rooster logo? I put that on and I’ll be looking like Oliver Giroud in no time.
Stunning. Majestic. Pure beauty. Kasper.
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Brian's Den 