Category: Sports

Jim Calhoun Hints He Might Want Back In

calhoun-released-from-hospital-after-surgery-gf2165mf-x-large

source– Former UConn men’s basketball coach Jim Calhoun, a Hall of Famer, may be coming out of retirement.

He would not say where, but multiple sources said he has had serious discussions with the University of St. Joseph in West Hartford about its new men’s basketball program and has been offered the job.

“I’ve got a couple of other things in the works, one involving basketball, which I’m intrigued by,” Calhoun said. “It’s coaching.”

But this appears to be serious. St. Joseph is starting a Division III men’s basketball program, to begin play in 2018, and posted an opening for a head coach in late June. Calhoun would only say that the school was local, but sources confirmed it is St. Joseph. A decision could come within a week.

I realize this might be more relevant to people in my neck of the woods, but anytime Jim Calhoun is trying to get back in the mix, I’ve got to give my two cents. As a notable UConn graduate (they’ve yet to update the Wikipedia page yet), Jim Calhoun is my guy. I loved the old UConn basketball teams (they were pretty much the reason I went there), he was still the coach my freshman year when they won the title, and he built the team that won my senior year. So, yeah, I have Jim to thank for a lot of happy memories. I still remember how he walked to the bench before home games. The locker room tunnel was on the opposite corner, so he had to walk all the way around the court to get to his seat. The whole time, he’d just walk and wave to the students. He walked like if you put a frog on it’s hind legs, which made it better. And you could always hear him scream at the players no matter how loud the crowd was, which was a nice touch. I fully support any school that wants to get Jim back out there.

If he really is going to this DIII school, all I’ve got to say is that I never actually played athletics. Hard to believe, I know, but I’ve got all four years of eligibility left. I think I could average 8-10 points per game in DIII. Add in like 5 dimes and 6 boards. I’d get to the line a lot and wouldn’t be afraid to commit hard fouls to send a message. What I’m trying to say is that I should probably be getting recruited by University of St. Joseph right now. I’d be a pretty easy get. I’m not swimming in offers right now. As long as I get a sweet illegal benefits package I’m in. No one investigates DIII, so just throw a bunch of money and cars at DII talent and watch the wins pile up. Knowing Jim, He’ll have USJ up to DI in like, five years. By then, a crop of his old players’ offspring might be ripe for recruiting. Get Ray Allen’s kid, Rip Hamilton’s kid, Cliff Robinson’s kid, Donyell Marshall’s kid, hopefully he lasts long enough to get Charlie Villanueva’s kid, too. We could be looking at a new college basketball power in the making. Or just a way for a retired legend to spend his weekends. One or the other.

Premier League 2017-2018 Season Preview

1200px-premier_league_logo-svg

After a seemingly never-ending offseason (just kidding, the fùtbol offseason is like, three weeks long), the lads are back, ready to take the pitch and knock it into the old onion bag. The pubs are starting to fill with fervent supporters and the children are dancing in the street. This season promises to be a memorable one, and, surprisingly, I've got some opinions on it. Correct opinions, too. I should start by offering some disclosure: I am a Crystal Palace fan supporter. I've been a diehard Palace Head (still workshopping the name) for about three years, now, so you know my loyalty runs deep. I pretty much picked them because I needed a Premier League team and didn't want to just jump on some bandwagon, so I picked the one with the coolest name. I fully expected to never feel true glory and be happy in the lower middle of the Table. After all, I'm allowed to have one team that doesn't win every year, right? Well, Leicester City ruined that two years ago, and now I'm convinced Crystal Palace is taking the league this year. Last season they had horrible luck with injuries and started the season with Allen Pardew as manager. Hard to win with those circumstances. But, we've got a new manager (Frank de Boer), some splashy new signings loans, and some sharp new kits. Things are pointing up! Crystal Palace, 2017-18 Premier League Champions.

Outside the title winner, there are some other storylines this season, as well. Fortunately for someone like me (a football (my football, for all my devoted international readers)-obsessed American who spends the majority of his brainpower in the fall pouring over football stats and highlights like it was my job (sadly, it isn't)(yet) and only devotes a portion of his free time to the Joga Bonito) (But I still know everything about the Premier League and will correctly predict the League Table with astonishing accuracy) (Amazing, I know), literally every relevant plot point and potential narrative revolves around the Big Six: Manchester United, Manchester City, Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea, and Tottenham. Forgive me for not going deep on Burnley's transfer window, but, outside the Big Six and Crystal Palace, no other team really has a shot at a Champions League spot. Now, plenty of random teams will be exciting. Probably more exciting than Chelsea, at least. Maybe everyone will be more exciting than Chelsea. Well, everyone except West Brom. But as far as making a real impact? Not so much.

The coveted Transfer Window Championship is, as of now, split between the two Manchester teams clubs. United, again, made sure to have the single biggest singing, finally getting Romelu Lukaku away from Everton. Add in underrated midfielder Nemanja Matic from rival Chelsea and another year for all of last year's huge singings to get acclimated to the Special One's system, and expectations are flying high in Old Trafford. Expectations are always flying high there, though, and that hasn't lead to much of anything (by their standards) recently. City decided to remedy last year's somewhat disappointing third place finish by throwing a ton of money around. They've spent a lot more money than anyone else, and, while they haven't gotten any huge names, everyone they've picked up is relatively young and already really good. Kyle Walker is one of the best right backs in the world, and Bernardo Silva could become a superstar. Chelsea kind of had a head scratching transfer window. They need center backs, but sent two on loan. They need wingers, but sent two on loan. They need another midfielder after puzzlingly letting Matic go, but sent their most promising one on loan (Crystal Palace, bitch!). I don't necessarily think they're done making moves, but just adding Morata, probably losing Costa, and then settling for, what, Danny Drinkwater? I don't know, man. Not really sure what the strategy was Tottenham, the lovable losers who can't seem to win anything despite having the second best team in England the last two years, didn't add anyone. In fact, their only transaction of note was selling Kyle Walker. I guess they have faith in manager Maurico Pochettino and their young, talented core. I'm sure all the Arsenal fans out there are feeling good. They brought in Alexandre Lacazette, the haven't lost anyone yet, they can't choke in the Champions League because they didn't make it, Wenger hasn't lost the locker room yet, everything's going well. Butttttttt, Alexis wants out. Bad. Like, he said he's not going to try this season for Arsenal and leave for free next year. Mesut Özil is always a little flighty. Jack Wilshere and Aaron Ramsay are always popular transfer rumors. The other shoe is going to drop for the gunners, and it's going to drop hard. I know I'm falling into the classic "talk about the Cowboys no matter what" trap we have over here, but Liverpool is probably the most interesting team to me on a philosophical level. Theoretically, I should like them. The same people that own Liverpool own my beloved Red Sox. But I hate the Red Sox owners and all they represent. They haven't won anything in forever, but carry themselves like they've won ten straight titles. Jurgen Klopp turned down $100 million for Philippe Coutinho because he thinks they're in position to win now. How do you turn down $100 million for anyone, let alone someone like Coutinho, who's good, but not that good. And all they added was Mo Salah, a great player, but certainly not enough to singlehandedly change them into world beaters. Look for Liverpool to be walk into another relatively underwhelming season.

Without further ado, it's time to unveil the Official Brian's Den Premier League Table. No, I'm not a licensed psychic, but you can still take my predictions for scripture. I'd even go so far as to suggest using this to place wagers, but we all know I don't condone that sort of thing.

Premier League Table

  1. Crystal Palace
  2. Manchester City
  3. Manchester United
  4. Tottenham
  5. Chelsea
  6. Arsenal
  7. Liverpool
  8. Everton
  9. West Ham
  10. Leicester City
  11. Bournemouth
  12. Southampton
  13. West Brom
  14. Watford
  15. Stoke City
  16. Newcastle United
  17. Burnley
  18. Swansea
  19. Brighton
  20. Huddersfield

Love Me Some Little League World Series Action

nothing-little-about-it

Everyone, rejoice. Exhale, kick your feet up, and celebrate. We’ve made it through the darkness that is the sports calendar of July and early-August and come out relatively unscathed. Now, we’ve got NFL training camps and Hard Knocks, the MLB stretch run, and the Little League World Series is heating up. Nothing gets me more excited than seeing those kids put on their tight jerseys and run around in the summer sun. Wait, that came out wrong. But the Little League World Series is awesome, and not for the typical “oh, it’s so pure” crap you’ll see Cardinals fans and the people who have always taken J.J. Watt at face value will give you.

For starters, you can bet on it. Does it feel dirty? Not for me. Maybe you have some qualms making money off of 12-year-olds, but I suffer no such moral obligation. It’s fun. I’d never put a lot of money on it, I’m financially responsible. Literally anything can happen. When you bet college football (a favorite, if destructive, pastime of mine), you have to assume there’s going to be at least one play per game that’s completely inexplicable: the QB throws into quintuple coverage and it gets deflected and the receiver comes down with it for a TD, multiple fumbles on the same play, an onside kick returned for a TD, just something crazy. Well, Little League games are like that on crack. Every pitch could yield a million possible results, and, unless the pitcher is the one Roger Clemens/Danny Almonte manchild in the field and strikes everyone out, odds are the least likely outcome will come to pass. It’s a wild experience that really can’t be replicated in any other environment. As I said, you’re not going to get rich doing this. You’re going to lose in some of the most absurd ways possible, but it’ll be a good time. I swear. Now, I won’t tell you where you can take part in this disgusting practice. You’ll have to find that for yourself, since that’s half the fun (and I won’t be accountable for any legal trouble you might find yourself in).

Piggybacking off that, the highlights and characters that come out of the LLWS are second to none. We’re still in the regionals, but already there’s been some all-time moments.

The 6’7″ “12-year-old” and the super fat kid are staples of Little League. All that’s left is the kid with the hot mom, the coach who’s trying too hard, and the Japanese kid with a 0.00 ERA and we’ll have LLWS Bingo. Again, this is still regionals and there’s been some amazing clips. Expectations are sky-high for Williamsport.

Lastly, I just love seeing other people unhappy. When I was their age, I was insanely jealous of the kids who got to play in the LLWS. I was convinced I was better than them and couldn’t understand how some 4’5″, 75lb kid lucked himself into a home run while I was stuck ripping doubles. And, because I’m emotionally unhealthy, that never went away. So whenever these entitled little shits start crying because they airmailed a throw to first base or gave up ten straight hits, I feel vindicated. Hey, Timmy, I always said I was better than you! Sure, you might not have been alive yet when I was playing, but your emotional breakdown proves it! I win again! Enjoy your orange slices, pussy! Sorry, might have gotten carried away, there. Either way, seeing preteens unhappy brings joy to my soul, feel free not to judge me for it. Little League World Series, always a good time.

Who’s Ready for Some Hard Knocks?

hard-knocks-logo

As is tradition, the start of NFL training camp brings us another season of Hard Knocks, the first real sign that the NFL season is nigh. The groundbreaking documentary series has changed the way we think about training camp, and, really, the way we think about sports documentaries in general. If you don’t have ultimate access, I’m not watching. If I don’t know what the third string QB’s meal plan is, why should I even care? Still, at this point I love what Hard Knocks represents more than I love the actual show. Much like with All or Nothing, any kind of football is good enough for me at this point, particularly when it means we’re mere weeks away from college and NFL kicking off for real. But the seemingly never-ending streak of getting super boring teams for Hard Knocks probably isn’t going to change with the Bucs this year. Hard Knocks is only as good as the head coach, and Dirk Koetter is…. well, he’s alive. I think. I honestly don’t think I could pick him out of a lineup. That’s a bad sign. Still, I’m going to watch it. You’re going to watch it. Everyone’s going to watch it and wonder why we’re doing so in the process. It’ll be great. As an experienced Hard Knocks viewer, there are certain things that appear time and time again. Time is a flat circle, and nowhere is that more apparent than on Hard Knocks. Here’s a quick primer for everything you’re going to see this season.

You’ll Find Out What Dirk Koetter Looks Like

1a_koetterface011516_16559681_8col

This is pretty unique for this season, but the fact remains that, unless you’re one of the dozens of diehard Bucs fans, this will be your official introduction to Dirk Koetter, and, if this picture is any indication, you won’t be in for much. My guess is he either loves to fish or play golf and stays until all hours of the night watching film. A real breath of fresh air in the coaching world.

There Will be a Heated Battle Amongst the Assistant Coaches for the Title of Coolest Coach

Happens every year. Every coach thinks this is his time to shine. Turn up the personality to 11, say the F word ten times a sentence, make a ton of sex analogies that don’t really work, talk about drinking or smoking, have a scene where they’re playing cards together, really anything to seem cool and relatable. Looking at the Bucs’ coaching staff, I’ve got together some prime suspects:

hayes_jay

kennedy_dave

polk_carlos

spicer_paul

smith_mike

Not the most promising batch of coaches. A lot of old guys, a lot of guys who look like they haven’t been out of a team facility in 20 years. I’m not positive these are the guys, but they’re some of the youngest looking, and defensive line coaches are always a little wacky. Same goes for the strength and conditioning coach. He looks like he’ll murder you and wear your skin if your squat form is a little off. He could be electric! Just kidding with Mike Smith. He’s the most boring person of all time.

The One Assistant Coach Who Used to be a Head Coach and They Awkwardly Talk About How He Failed In His Last Job

Hey, speaking of Mike Smith!

The Stupid Player Who They Exploit for Some Easy Quotes

One of the best traditions Hard Knocks has is filming a football player who hasn’t read a book that didn’t start with “play” since the first grade talking about something other than football. These guys’ world views are so skewed, anything could come out of their mouths! Tune in tonight to find out what they say! Anyway, there’s only one possibility for the Bucs. Anytime HBO can combine their Idiot screentime with their Starting QB screentime, you have to do it.

23-jameis-winston-w710-h473

Seeing Jameis Winston say something dumb is pretty much the only reason I’m excited for this season. Jameis was made for Hard Knocks. Everything that comes out of his mouth is liable to start and internet firestorm, and the beauty is that he doesn’t know any better. He’s so innocent (allegedly) and means well, but he can’t get out of his own way. He’s like a puppy without a leash, and he’s going to light up the screen.

The One Player Who Proves Himself to be the Zaniest on the Team

Similar to the war of attrition between the assistant coaches, all the players want that valuable screentime, too, and the best way to get it is to be super crazy and quirky. Is it forced? Almost always. Is it entertaining? Sometimes. But it’ll happen nonetheless. Luckily for us, the Bucs’ roster isn’t filled with J.J. Watts, so the competition might be that fierce (actually, I have absolutely no idea if that’s valid or not. I can name, like, five Bucs players. For all I know, it might be the biggest collection of hams outside a Smithfield store). Jameis, when he’s not obliviously saying something moronic, will undoubtedly try waaaaaaaaaaay too hard. It’ll be cringeworthy. I think Mike Evans has something going on, but who knows. I think it’ll be Gerald McCoy.

gerald-mccoy

This guy’s so zany. How do I know? Well, he wears oversized glasses all the time! What a wildcard! He’s so quirky and unique! McCoy’s been a great player since he came into the league, but has been relatively anonymous because of where he plays and the fact that he’s eternally tied to Ndamukong Suh since they were drafted in the same year. Look for HBO to try and pump him up as the unknown star who has a crazy personality.

Someone Will Have an Absurd Collection of Cars/Jewelry/Some Other Expensive Thing

Quickest way to kill some time is to show the viewers that no, these guys aren’t just like us. They have millions of dollars and don’t have to go to work for six months at a time. Someone’s possessions will redefine opulence for the millionth straight year.

The Guy Who Gets Cut

Easily the most recognizable and beloved of the Hard Knocks tropes. Notice someone you’ve never heard of soaking up screentime? Maybe we’ve met his wife and young daughter? Learned about his crippling debt or tough upbringing? Well, he’s getting cut. Sorry.

That’s pretty much all there is to Hard Knocks. It’s not a complex show, and this season may be particularly formulaic. But hey, it’s football.

Neymar Officially Joins PSG

p1cw42yze6ycne0qkb0ujd-s1yqrjqeq-large

source- Neymar said he followed his "heart" after sealing his €222 million move to Paris Saint-Germain from Barcelona. 

Neymar became the world's most expensive player after PSG opted to trigger his buyout clause and told reporters at his unveiling on Friday: "My heart told me that it was time to sign for Paris Saint-Germain."

The 25-year-old enjoyed a successful four-year spell with Barcelona, winning one Champions League title, two La Liga titles and three Copas del Rey as well as one FIFA Club World Cup and one Spanish Super Cup, but he said he was relishing the new challenge.

A source has told ESPN FC that Neymar will be paid around €30m per year after taxes and has been handed a major signing bonus in excess of his net annual sum.

$260 million. Let that sink in. $260 million for one player. The previous record was $123 million. Absolutely mind bending number. After weeks and weeks of leaks, foreplay, non-commitment, denial, and accusations of tampering, Barcelona finally sold Neymar to Paris Saint-Germain for $260 million (or €222 million for the very few non-American fútbol fans out there). From PSG's standpoint, why the hell not? They've got unlimited funds thanks to that sweet, delicious oil money, and you've go to do something to shake off the "perennial Champions League chokers" stink, and not winning the French League last season was probably pretty embarrassing for one of the richest teams in the world. For Barthelona, it's not like they need the money or anything, but it's pretty hard to turn down $260 million for one guy regardless of how good they are, especially if the player seems pretty determined to leave. Hurts to lose someone of Neymar's caliber, but something tells me they'll be okay in the long run.

It's pretty hard to miss the obvious parallels between this and the Kyrie Irving situation in Cleveland. Neymar is better at soccer than Kyrie is at basketball, but the fact remains: supremely talented individual on a team with an even more supremely talented individual that has had success and won wants to move out of the shadow of the transcendent mega-star and prove they can do it on their own. I mean, if you're Neymar, I don't really see the downside, here. You know that, as long as he's still playing (and probably long after he retires), Messi will always be king. Everything will always be compared to Messi, and even if you someone elevate your game to the alien plane of existence Messi occupied, he's so beloved you'll never measure up. Why would you even bother? You've already won every trophy there is to win at Barcelona, go to the French League, score 50 goals a season, win the league every year, make $35 million or whatever it is a year, and just have fun. I have zero issue with it, just like I have zero issue with Kyrie wanting his own squad. I don't really have my finger on the pulse of the Spanish media market, but if they operate like the NBA fans here, I'm sure Neymar's getting roasted left and right. "Where's the loyalty?" "Why would you want to leave Barcelona?" He's just doing it for money/stats!" It's just so stupid. So you're not allowed to choose to join a "super team," but now you're not allowed to leave, either? What? As I've said countless times before, players are people, too. They're allowed to make decisions. And Neymar decided he didn't want to come in second to Messi for the rest of his life. He wanted to prove he could carry a team as The Guy. Since when is that something we frown on?

Happy Birthday, Tom Brady

rs_634x1024-170206050418-634-tom-brady-jr-020617

Just wanted to give a quick shoutout to my guy, little-known quarterback Tom Brady. 40 years ago today, Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr. was born in San Mateo, California, and the world was never the same. August truly is the month for QBs (more on that at a later date). I’ve moved passed the point in my life where I wanted everyone to love him and couldn’t understand how anyone could dislike the greatest NFL player of all time. I get that some people just don’t like him and never will. It’s their loss, really, but I’m #done trying to convince them otherwise. I like being in the exclusive club of Brady Lovers. It makes me feel special. It makes me feel like a winner. I won’t gush about him too much longer, since I’m sure everyone will be feeling Brady Fatigue by the end of the day. I just wanted to quickly celebrate one of the men responsible for at least three of the five greatest moments of my life. As someone who ties their entire sense of self-worth into the success of their football team, Brady has helped me create a somewhat less toxic self-image than what I would have if I were, say, a Jets fan. Of all the imaginary children I’ve had with various celebrities, at least 70% have been named Tom. What I’m trying to say is that Tom Brady is one of the most important people in my life, and the day he retires is going to be horrible.

MLB Trade Deadline Thoughts

1280px-major_league_baseball-svg1

Been a little while since we dived into some MLB Thoughts, but the baseball action tends to start dragging when the calendar hits July. Outside of the All Star Game, not much has really happened besides the Red Sox turning into the worst team in the league. Luckily for everyone, though, the Trade Deadline came and went yesterday to shake things up and add some new storylines for the stretch run. Some teams are clearly going all in, some teams are bringing The Process to baseball, and some teams did nothing for no apparent reason. So, in a quasi-MLB Thoughts, let’s go through all the major developments from the MLB Trade Deadline.

  • The Yankees, man. Getting Sonny Gray, Jaime Garcia, Todd Frazier, Tommy Kahnle, and Nate Robertson without giving up Gleyber Torres, Clint Frazier, or Estevan Florial (their top prospects) is pretty incredible. Were this the NBA, I would wonder if all of these moves were heavily encouraged by the league to set the Yankees up for current and long-term success. A lot of people are saying getting Sonny Gray makes the Yankees the favorite in the American League. I’m not sure that’s true. Sure, Gray can be filthy when he’s healthy, and he’s returned to form in the last month or so, and their bullpen is now STACKED. But outside Gray and Severino, are any of their other starters really all that trustworthy? Call me a hater if you want, but I’ll still take the Red Sox at their best (more of a myth at this point than a reality) over the bombers.
  • I can’t seem to find any evidence of it, but some foolish, unnamed bloggers declared the Cubs dead earlier this season. Apparently, the Lord of Light isn’t done with them just yet and decided to bring them back from the grave. The Quintana trade happened a few weeks ago, but I’ll still consider it a deadline deal. Quintana, Alex Avila, and Justin Wilson are all really good, and all of a sudden they’re 2.5 games up in the division. They’re going to coast into the playoffs.
  • While the Red Sox couldn’t swing any major moves (maybe it’s because Dave Dombrowski traded half their prospects for Drew Pomeranz, but who’s to say), I like the ones they were able to make. Eduardo Nunez used to be my least favorite player in the league because his stupid helmet would fall off every time he ran the bases, but now that he and confirmed Second Coming Rafael Devers are manning the hot corner instead of literally anyone else they had, I love him. Then adding much needed bullpen help in Addison Reed for a bunch of prospects I’ve never heard of was a strong acquisition. The World Series Parade is Officially Back On.
  • As everyone knows, I’ve been boasting about predicting the Rockies’ success all season. Well, they helped me out big time. Getting Pat Neshek for not much, and then getting Jonathan Lucroy for the admittedly high price of perennial all-star Player to be Named Later was a gamble that might pay off big time if he can regain his Milwaukee form. And it’s not like any other National League team is going to challenge for the second Wild Card spot, anyway.
  • For some, the allure of prospects’ future glory can be an intoxicating fragrance. And, clearly, White Sox GM Rick Hahn has been fully ensnared in the siren’s grasp. I can’t really blame him, either. Teams keep wanting to give up top prospects for crappy (besides Chris Sale, Boston’s Lord and Savior) White Sox players, so why not keep taking them? The White Sox have to have the best farm system in the league now, and, come 2025, they’ll be a real force to be reckoned with.
  • I don’t get where the Dodgers find the resources to make massive trades every season but still have some of the best prospects in the league, but I guess when you have Magic Johnson running things, everything mysteriously breaks in your favor. They were already the best team in the league, but adding Yu Darvish and Tony Watson sends a clear message that this year is championship or bust for them. Like they say it is every year. Then they lose first or second round.
  • Speaking of losing early in the playoffs, the Nationals improved their terrible bullpen I guess, but not in an exciting way. Brandon Kintzler is good, but the guys they got from the A’s are just kind of guys. I know you wouldn’t be, anyway, but don’t be surprised when the Nats somehow don’t win the World Series again this year.
  • I really don’t understand what the Orioles were doing. They could have gotten some huge returns for Zach Britton, Mark Trumbo, Chris Davis, literally anyone on the team besides Machado, and instead they added random veterans. Don’t they know they stink?
  • A lot of people seem to think the Astros kind of missed out, since they were only able to get Francisco Liriano. I tend to agree. Sure they probably still have enough to make it to, and possibly win, the World Series. But they really could have used another good starter to set themselves up for the postseason. Keuchel’s great, but everyone else, including Liriano, is a pretty big question mark. If all their injured position players don’t come back the same, or if they don’t come back at all, they might live to regret not getting Yu or Sonny.
  • I kind of feel bad for the Brewers. They’re a dead man walking at this point, and a sad, desperate trade for reliever Jeremy Jeffress isn’t going to change anything. R.I.P.  Brewers.
  • How Melky Cabrera somehow found himself in a position to be relevant again now that he’s on the scalding-hot Royals is amazing. Guy just won’t go away.

I think that’s everything big that happened. I’m sure I forgot something, but if it’s inconsequential enough to forget, I’m sure it wasn’t worth talking about, anyway. Now, someone get me to October, already.

I Went to Saratoga this Weekend and am Starting to Set up My New Life with All the Money I Won

saratoga_logo

As the title says, yesterday I went to Saratoga Race Course to bet on some ponies. I usually go once a year, and despite this vast well of experience, my betting history typically oscillates between bad and blind luck. Still, it’s always a good time. Horse racing tracks are really odd places in that they’re one of the few places where the socially elite can readily intermingle with the common folk. The poors sit out in the picnic area and watch the races on the big screen, while the rich people sit up in the V.I.P. stands. And though there is a clear theoretical divide in place, anyone can still go pretty much anywhere at any time, so some random dude from Ballston Spa, New York could rub elbows with, say, the founder of the popular website http://www.briansden69.com. And I actually was planning on making a video about the experience. I was going to walk around the track, film myself betting and reacting, then I would sneak into the V.I.P. area and start asking for money because I lost all of mine. Sadly, security wasn’t happy with me. They wouldn’t even let me walk on the horse path, let alone weasel my way into the Forbidden Section. It’s like they didn’t know that my Brazilian Soccer post has over 200 views. So I had to scrap the video idea pretty early, and let’s say it wasn’t good karma.

Going into my final race of the day, I hadn’t won once. In fact, I didn’t win anything last year, either. And, come to think of it, I might not have won anything the year before. I was on a massive losing streak. Considering my storied pedigree of winning, it was a nasty black mark on my record. Knowing how desperately I needed a win, I mustered all of my courage and resolve and placed my remaining money ($10, to be specific) (yes, I am a high roller. I won’t apologize for it) on a little known horse named Black Tide. He finished betting at 8-1 odds, and, surprising all in attendance, he won. I willed myself back into the winners’ circle, and left the track shortly after collecting my bountiful pay day (if you’re wondering why I didn’t just withdraw more money, well, I’m not mentally weak, that’s why). I couldn’t help but think back to my first ever trip to Saratoga, when, in a nearly identical scenario, I won over $400 on a 36-1 longshot named Poseidon’s Warrior with the leftover scraps of money I had in my pocket. The symbolism of the names is not lost on me. I’m not a Horse Racing Guy, I don’t care about stats and what have you. All I look at are the names, and now it’s clear that I need to exclusively bet on horses with water-based names from here on out. No matter how big of a stretch, any horse whose name can somehow be tied back to water gets the official Brian’s Den Seal of Approval.

Now, the obvious question is what to do with the money? If you actually look at how much money I spent throughout the day, I don’t think I really gained anything. But that’s the lame way to think. I’ve $80 free dollars burning a hole in my pocket, and my mind is spinning. I’m thinking it’s probably enough to start a new life in the Caribbean. It might be a hard life, but it would be a new life all the same. But if I rule out moving, what else is there to do? I could open a Swiss Bank Account and deposit it for safe keeping. I could invest all of it, but I wouldn’t know where to turn. I’d probably just wind up buying as much Taco Bell stock as possible, and I don’t know how lucrative that would become. Maybe I could buy a square inch of land in like, Scotland or something and become Lord Brian. I’ll probably wind up just buying something stupid at the mall. Who’s to say? Either way, I’m riding high (get it?) and feeling good.

I’d Rather be Totally Toothless than be an Adult with Braces

980x

I know this is going to seem like it’s coming out of nowhere, but believe me, it’s not. I’m pretty #triggered right now, and Twitter is to blame. I was just minding my own business, scrolling the timeline, when I see a video retweeted by my guy (and fellow UConn alum classmate (yeah, we had a class together, nbd) (ask him about it, I’m sure he remembers me)) Andre Drummond (by saying Drummond retweeted it, I’m clearly showing that I don’t follow TMZ. Or do I? Hmmm)

Andre, come on, man! What are you doing? How can you walk around with your mouth looking like that and expect to be taken seriously? You’re in the NBA, who cares what your teeth look like? Did you not have a booster you could have extorted into paying for these before you turned pro? Seeing this jarring image brought up all my thoughts about Adults with Braces, mainly that I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever be one. Now, this is like the king saying he’d never be caught dead working the fields. Every dentist I’ve ever had has told me how great my teeth are. I’ve never had braces, cavities, or (save for one nasty gymnastics incident) any other kind of serious dental procedure. So, I understand I might not be the ideal messenger. But still, you’d catch me looking like old Jafar before you saw me looking like our pal Andre.

d-jafar-5

I’d say Adults with Braces are probably embarrassed every time they open their mouths, but judging by how often they flash their metallic teeth, I don’t think they have the same time of healthy shame the non-Peter Pan members of society have. Seriously, if you don’t have you braces put in before your junior year of high school, don’t even bother anymore. It’s just not worth it. No matter what, you’ll probably get teased by your classmates because kids and teenagers are horrible people. Don’t add to your misery by having to deal with being the Braces Guy at college or, God forbid, in the workforce. You’ll forever be viewed as lesser. You’ll be a modern day leper. Cursed to be labeled as the weird guy who never grew up. If, for some reason, all of my teeth started shifting position at my advanced age and the dentist said you need braces, I’d just tell him to take them all out so I can go dentures. I solemnly swear that I will never, even if someone has a gun to my head, even if someone has a gun to the head of everyone I’ve ever cared about, even if someone had the launch codes for every nuclear weapon on earth and said he’d fire them all unless I got braces, I’d resist. I will never be an Adult with Braces.

Seeing Drummond also made me more steadfast in my belief that, when (not if) I become an MLB/NBA/NFL GM, I will have a hard rule against athletes with braces. I will not have a team orthodontist, and I will do everything in my power to run all the orthodontists in my city out of town. I don’t even want my fans to look stupid, let alone my players. Who was the last Athlete with Braces who ever won anything? Brett Favre? Look at some of the more recent examples and tell me how you want all of these guys on your team:

dwight-howard

Has there ever been a less surprising thing in the history of America that Dwight Howard wore braces?

nelson-cruz-braces

Hey, remember when Nelson Cruz came through in the World Series and then didn’t get busted for steroids? Oh, wait, the opposite happened.

b76700423dbe5f221e0bf4483f32bc37

Sure Willie Cauley-Stein is lifelong friends with Drake, but his braces look bad and the Kings stink.

cxu7bz3xeaazwoi

Leonard Fournette proves that even the most intimidating people look foolish with braces. And he got drafted by the Jaguars.

gkblhbj

I know he technically won a title while wearing braces, but you can’t tell me Pau Gasol isn’t the most “Braces Guy” guy of all time.

bn-ku727_nydonn_g_20151018175700

Larry Donnell suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckssssss.

cristiano-ronaldo-braces

You probably think Cristiano Ronaldo is the biggest case against #teamnobraces, and you’d be right. But, you know what they say. The exception proves the rule.

braces-480

Giants punter Brad Wing. Yes, the punter has braces. You can’t get any more stereotypical. Makes me wonder if the Giants actually have a scouting department.

The defense rests. Keep the athletes with braces off my team, please.

6’4″, 286lb “8th Grader” Gets Football Scholarship Offers from Alabama, Ole Miss, Has Yet to Produce Birth Certificate

source– Some college football programs will make offers to middle school prospects to gain attention on a national level.

It appears to be much more than that in the case of 6-foot-4, 286-pound Jaheim Oatis.

According to a tweet posted Friday by Oatis, Ole Miss, Mississippi State and Alabama have made scholarship offers to the soon-to-be eighth-grader from Columbia, Mississippi.

Alright, I think we can drop the charade, here. We’re in a Safe Space for Free Thinking, so we don’t really have to play along with this. This kid isn’t in 8th grade. He just isn’t. He might technically be in 8th grade, but this kid isn’t 14:

No matter what forged birth certificate or altered class photos or anything they trot out, I’m not going to be fooled. You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to get an age scandal past me, and sorry folks, but this one didn’t work. Not 14.

Now that we’ve gotten past the obvious, I have to commend Alabama here. This is why they’ll always stay on top. Having 28-year-old grown men as freshmen gives them that extra advantage they need to dominate the SEC. Giving someone who should be in the prime of his NFL career another four years of eligibility is an ingenious move. Don’t know why everyone doesn’t just do this. Instead of filling the locker room with scrawny 19-year-olds, just put together a whole team of Danny Almontes. Seems like a foolproof strategy. Just find all the best prospects in the country, bring them down to backwoods Alabama, feed them steroids some good Southern cooking, and have them train at some “middle school”/football lab and bam, you’ve magically discovered the newest “8th grade” phenom who’s ready to play for you when he turns 25. I don’t see any flaws there. As long as all the food and facilities are paid for by an “independent” third party, it’s surely 100% legal, too. And only Alabama has the stones to pull it off. Makes me sad for the state of college football. Now you’ve got to start asking if Alabama Football is bad for the game.