Author: Brian

Is Elf on the Shelf Just a Front for NSA Surveillance?

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I’ll keep this short since I know everyone is busy doing things like “spending time with their families” and “enjoying the Christmas season,” but it’s never inappropriate to get a little woke. In my learned opinion, Elf on the Shelf is an extension of the Patriot Act put in place by the NSA to destroy the seeds of terrorism at the child level.

It’s pretty simple: Elf on the Shelf watches over kids and tells Santa if they’ve been naughty or nice. But there’s a pretty big flaw in that logic: Santa already knows who’s been naughty or nice already. He’s been able to magically know the morality of every child on Earth for hundreds of years. You’re telling me that the Santa cannon is changing because of a 2005 book/toy combination? Please. Santa doesn’t need Elf on the Shelf and never has. So why does Elf on the Shelf still exist? An unspoken agreement between corporations and parents to drive retail sales and keep kids well behaved? Maybe. But I think there’s a bigger game at play. Who else could benefit from this kind of unchecked surveillance? The government probably could. And when was the Patriot Act, a countrywide effort to increase surveillance and national security, ratified? 2001. And, despite civil liberty concerns, when was it re-upped? 2005. And Elf on the Shelf first came to stores in 2005? I think it’s a bit of a stretch to call that merely a coincidence.

Think about it from the kids’ point of view. What’s the most important thing in the world to them? Getting a bunch of awesome gifts for Christmas. Even if you’ve been indoctrinated from birth by a terrorist cell’s sick manifesto, being seen as “nice” in Santa’s eyes is priority number one. Are you gonna start planning a mass murder in a public place if you know Santa’s watching? I’m not. Not in a million years. Elf on the Shelf is a brilliant ploy by the NSA, because no one would ever expect the NSA to get involved in holiday affairs. Sure, there’s still terrorists out there. But if that one little terrorist kid thinks twice before executing their hateful scheme, that gives the NSA plenty of time to send agents to eliminate the threat. Sure, you hear about a lot of terrible things these days, but think about how many you haven’t heard about because of Elf on the Shelf. I’m all for privacy and personal liberty, but I also like being safe. So thank you for exploiting our children’s unwavering belief in the power of Santa, NSA. You’ve made this Christmas a safe one.

NFL Week 16 Picks

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the league,

NFL bettors were stumped and feeling fatigued;

Their bet slips were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Brian would soon be there;

The readers were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of Colts +14 danced in their heads;

As I climbed into my officially licensed NFL sheets,

I remember I had Vikings -9, what a treat!

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew with concern,

Wondering if Broncos +3.5 would give me heartburn.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,

Gave the luster of mid-day to the Falcons +6 below;

When, what to my wandering eyes should appear,

But Pats -13 and eight tiny reindeer,

With a big, handsome driver, proud as a lion,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Brian.

More rapid than Eagles -9 his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

“Now, Bears -6.5! Now, Lions -5! Now, Chargers -7!

“On Chiefs -10.5! On Niners +4.5! Jimmy G, oh good heavens!

“To the top of the window! To the top of the wall!

“Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves before Panthers -10 fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With a sleigh full of picks- and St. Brian too:

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I raised up my head to avoid getting a flag,

Down the chimney St. Brian came with his bag:

He was dressed in full pads, from his head to his toes,

A playcalling sheet in hand so he knows all the throws;

A bundle of winning picks was flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack:

His eyes- they were dull from all the concussions,

He launched head-first at receivers, what repercussions?

In thought, his mouth was scrunched up like a toad,

Then he exclaimed, “I like Rams -7, even on the road!”

I knew he loved hot dogs, so I put out a fresh batch,

As he ate one, he mumbled, “Man, was that a catch?”

He had a cherubic face, and a little round gut

That shook when he laughed at Browns scuttlebutt:

He was chubby yet ripped, a game-picking savant,

I’m still grateful for the time he gave Cowboys -5 to my aunt;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, he was totally zen,

And filled the stocking with picks; he loved Steelers -10.

Before flying back up the chimney, he gave me a note,

It said, “Take Giants +3.5, then buy yourself a new coat.”

He sprung to his sleigh, to his team, “play through the whistle!”

And away all they flew, like the down of a thistle:

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight-

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

BONUS BOWL PICKS

  • Temple vs Florida International +7
  • Central Michigan vs Wyoming +3.5
  • Texas Tech vs South Florida Over 66
  • Army vs San Diego State -7
  • Appalachian State vs Toledo -7

If You Say Die Hard is Your Favorite Christmas Movie I Hate You

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Imagine this scenario, if you will. You’re at a Christmas party. Or any party, or any kind of social gathering. Somehow, the topic of Christmas movies comes up and everyone is saying their favorites. The old guy says It’s a Wonderful Life, the token millennial says Elf, there’s plenty of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Feeling anxious, you think about what you’re about to say. Tired of living in the shadows, you decide to be zany to get a few laughs and stand out. “Actually, Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie.” The guy who never goes online gives a chortle, but everyone else, including me, hyper-aware-of-everything-that-goes-on-online-and-is-thus-never-impressed-with-anything guy, rolls their eyes. “Here we go again,” everyone says. “What’s next? He gonna ask if a hot dog is a sandwich?”

The “Die Hard is a Christmas movie” argument has been around for a while, now. I’m pretty sure it was around online when I was in high school. But it’s pretty inescapable, these days. Everyone thinks they’re the most clever, funniest person to ever walk the planet when they proclaim that Die Hard, not whatever your preferred version of A Christmas Carol, is the best Christmas movie. Dish even has Santa saying it in their new commercial. It’s absolutely everywhere. And it’s just so goddamn lame. It’s just another thing that people latch onto to seem cool online. Everyone wants to be part of the in-crowd, and the fastest way to join the smarmy, elitist culture that is the Die Hard Christmas gang is to say things like “Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie,” “Nickleback sucks,” and “Ben Affleck as Batman is terrible.” And it’s tiring, too. Ever met a Die Hard Christmas Guy? No one has ever felt stronger about anything than they feel about the fact that Die Hard is a Christmas movie. If you say one thing to challenge them, they’ll go to the ends of the earth to show how wrong you are. People who call Die Hard their favorite Christmas movie almost singlehandedly take all the joy out of Christmas.

Before we go any further, I think I need to clarify something: I’m a huge Die Hard fan. I named John McClain as my number one action movie character of all time. Die Hard is the greatest action movie of all time and one of the five most influential movies of all time. 75% of action movies made after Die Hard was just Die Hard with a different skin. It’s one of the most important movies ever made. That’s why I get pissy when people call Die Hard a Christmas movie. It cheapens it. When’s the last time you thought about (forget watched) Christmas Vacation in July? What about The Santa Clause? Jingle All the Way? Christmas movies are so specific to Christmas that they don’t resonate whatsoever if watch them at any other time of year. Christmas is literally the central plot point to every Christmas movie. If it wasn’t Christmas, all the movies you know and love wouldn’t happen. What happens to Die Hard if it doesn’t happen on Christmas? Anything? There would be some hoops to jump through narratively, sure. But the central plot doesn’t change at all. Nakatomi Plaza could have been held up any day that all the top executives were all there. The fact that it was Christmas was only window dressing.

Listen, if you really think calling Die Hard is a great Christmas movie is the highlight of your year, I won’t fight you. If you truly believe Die Hard belongs in the Christmas movie genre, go for it. I’ll judge you and I’ll hate you, but I won’t stop you. Just know that by doing so, you’re ruining the very movie you claim to love. Die Hard is timeless. It shouldn’t be shackled by the Christmas movie label. It’s great no matter what time of year you watch it. It’s great in March. It’s great in September. And yes, it’s great in December. Don’t insult the greatest action movie ever by insinuating that you can only enjoy it during Christmas or that some Christmas message is the main point of the movie. That’s just asinine. Die Hard is about one man waging a guerrilla war against a small group of terrorists and killing a dozen men singlehandedly. That doesn’t sound like Christmas to me.

I’m Sick of People Calling Christmas Sweaters Ugly

Anyone who knows me knows I love Christmas. I love the traditions, I love the food, I love the snow, I love all of it. Well, almost all of it. There’s one small detail that really gets under my skin: Christmas parties. Actually, let me re-phrase that. I hate Ugly Sweater parties. Why, you ask? Everyone knows I love getting festive and dressing up in eye-catching outfits. Seems like a perfect fit. And it is. I’m just sick of people calling the sweaters ugly.

I mean, look at this:

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You’re telling me that’s ugly? I see a smart looking sweater that perfectly captures the spirit of a Nordic Christmas. That’s a money sweater that I wish I had. That’s not ugly. And what about this?

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That’s a good looking sweater, right there. Love me some maroon. It’s the most underrated winter color, IMO. Looks great in any situation. Does that look like the fact of a woman who thinks she’s wearing something ugly? I think not. Don’t like reindeer for some reason? Well, Christmas sweaters have a pretty deep design pool to draw from.

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That’s what I’m talking about. If anyone can look you in the face and call this ugly, they’re probably getting visited by three ghosts when they go to bed. Wearing something like this puts some pep in your step and gives you a better outlook on life. If you hate that, then you’re the ugly one, friend.

To make one thing clear: I’m only talking about legitimate sweaters. Knit sweaters that have lives of their own and tighten and loosen at the drop of a hat. Not these new age “ugly christmas sweaters” that everyone’s pedaling that are just sweatshirts with a small design steam printed on. It’s always novelty designs or pop culture references or something. You’ll see something online saying something like “New Ugly Christmas Sweaters On Sale Now!” and it’ll be something like this:

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That’s a sweatshirt, fool! That’s not a Christmas sweater. If you roll up to my Christmas party and you’re wearing this? Sorry, but you’re getting left out in the cold. A good rule of thumb: if it has a Gildan tag on it, it’s not legitimate. The design has to go all the way around and it has to be knit. There’s no comparison. Sweatshirts look bad. Sweaters look good:

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Mazel tov to anyone lucky enough to have a sweater that looks this good. This is the perfect Christmas Holiday sweater. Subtle, understated, and gets people talking. Try walking into a party wearing a lame sweatshirt and starting conversations with people. Can’t imagine it’ll go well. But if you’re wearing that? First they compliment on your sweater, you say thanks, they ask where you got it, you give a vague answer so no one can find it and replicate your style, then next thing you know you’re talking about net neutrality and the meaning of life.

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This sweater will get you respect, it will get you friends, it will get you a significant other, it will get you happiness. Can’t imagine a better garment than that. And people want to call these ugly? You try knitting a sweater while perfectly capturing the whimsical reindeer in its natural, snowy habitat on a red or green background. Would you like it if someone called it ugly? I doubt it. Calling these sweaters ugly is like calling Christmas itself ugly. I don’t think I need to say why that just wouldn’t be okay. Christmas sweaters are Christmas, and if you don’t like them or think they’re ugly, post your address in the comments so I can come fight you.

In case you somehow haven’t gotten me a Christmas gift yet, just throwing this one out there.

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NFL Week 15 Picks

Denver Broncos versus the Indianapolis Colts

There was an NFL game on Thursday night. Honestly that’s more of a question than a statement. I watched exactly zero seconds of the Brocos-Colts game. I was braving the elements waiting outside in the bitter cold to get a good seat for The Last Jedi. Then, lost in my own Jedi training on the remote planet of Ahch-To, I ran out of time to make my picks on Friday. And there are games today, too! I feel as if I’ve failed you, my football padawans. A shame, I know.

I wouldn’t have watched the event the NFL is calling a football game, anyway, but at least I found a legitimate reason to avoid permanently scarring my retinas with Brock Osweiler coming in in relief. My only takeaway: the Broncos have good Color Rush helmets. They should go to those full time. That analysis is free, folks, but I may start charging for the juicier bits of NFL insight. On to the games.

Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions (-5)

This is the perfect Saturday afternoon NFL game. It’s two bad teams no one really cares about, it’s going to be cagey and un-exciting, no one will enjoy it, and no one will turn away. It’s gonna be great!

Pick: Lions -5

Los Angeles Chargers (-1) at Kansas City Chiefs

This is a rare meeting of the Week 1 Super Bowl Champions and the mid-season Under-the-Radar Super Bowl Champions. Savor it; these kind of heavy-hitting games don’t come around to often. Chargers are way better and are building so much obvious “No One Wants to Play These Guys in the Playoffs” buzz that it’s surely going to backfire on them in the first round.

Pick: Chargers -1

Green Bay Packers at Carolina Panthers (-3)

It’s not too late to get on the Packers train. I warned everyone about what was happening weeks ago, so you’ve had ample time to realize the Packers were going to make the playoffs. Panthers are a good team, but this is just a case of wrong place, wrong time. Rodgers end-of-the-regular-season magic cannot be contained.

Pick: Packers +3

Philadelphia Eagles (-7.5) at New York Giants

R.I.P. Carson Wentz. Hate to see a good player go down, but it only opens the door for the best kind of playoff run: one lead by a backup QB. Nick Foles has proven himself to be competent when he has good coaching, so I don’t think the Eagles will have a giant drop-off, but it’ll probably start off pretty ugly. Still don’t know if the Giants are trying again or not.

Pick: Giants +7.5

New York Jets at New Orleans Saints (-16)

Bryce Petty. On the road. In the SuperDome. Yikes.

Pick: Saints -16

Cincinnati Bengals at Minnesota Vikings (-11)

I’m calling it right now: Teddy Bridgewater stars week 17. I think this is when the pixie dust finally washes off Case Keenum and he turns back into a pumpkin, then next week he’ll get yanked. Search your heart. You know it’s true.

Pick: Bengals +11

Baltimore Ravens (-7) at Cleveland Browns

Embarrassing thing that happened to me last night- Since I was standing outside from 4-7pm waiting to get into the theater, I didn’t have time to eat. So, as I’ve done plenty of times before for similar showtimes, I decided to just get a large popcorn. Popcorn’s pretty much just air, right? No calories. Anyway, when I order, the cashier asks me if I want a drink. I said no because I have a very small bladder and I was not leaving the theater to pee in the middle of Star Wars. She gave me a mocking look and said “Okay” in the smuggest way possible. I thought nothing of it. That is until I had eaten about a pound of the saltiest popcorn ever produced by man. I was dying. I felt like I had been walking in the Sahara for three days with no water. So, I tucked my tail between my legs and went back to get a drink. Not wanting to trigger an “I told you so,” I went to a different cashier. Because I have no self-control, I finished the drink despite telling myself not to, and, by the end credits, I was ready to burst. I would rather do that exact scenario every day for the rest of my life than be a Browns fan.

Pick: Ravens -7

Arizona Cardinals at Washington Redskins (-4)

Can we just skip games where both teams have been eliminated from playoff contention and no one is chasing single-season records? I think it would help the state of the league a lot.

Pick: Redskins -4

Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars (-11)

Imagine if Deshaun Watson didn’t get hurt? Then this wouldn’t be a terrible game.

Pick: Jags -11

Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills (-3)

Unfortunately, it appears as though we may have seen the end of Nathan Peterman. A sad day, indeed. Adequate quarterback play wins yet again. Such a biased system. Let the bad QBs succeed for once! Hard to imagine the Dolphins will show up after they won the Super Bowl last week.

Pick: Bills -3

Los Angeles Rams at Seattle Seahawks (-2)

I still think the Rams are good, but don’t be surprised to hear some rumblings that they’re a fake news contender after this week. They’re in a really rough stretch of games that’s almost impossible to come out of unscathed, and you know getting in huge brawls and getting (rightly) called out for being the biggest bunch of babies in the league only fires up the Seahawks even more.

Pick: Seahawks -2

Tennessee Titans at San Francisco 49ers (-1.5)

Don’t look now, but the Niners are the hottest team in the league ever since Jimmy G took over. Might be time to sit him, coach! Don’t want to rack up too many wins before the draft. Titans continue to be really bad at playing football.

Pick: 49ers -1.5

New England Patriots (-3) at Pittsburgh Steelers

Let’s all say it together: Tom Brady’s clearly washed up. Bill Belichick has lost control of the locker room. Pats are done. The Steelers have so much more talent. It’d be an upset if they didn’t win the Super Bowl. This is finally the year the Steelers get over the hump.

Pick: Pats -3

Dallas Cowboys (-3) at Oakland Raiders

I just went to an alternate timeline where everything is 40 years behind, and 70s me is really pumped up for this game.

Pick: Cowboys -3

Atlanta Falcons (-6) at Tampa Bay Bucs

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Pick: Falcons -6

Bonus Bowl Picks

  • North Texas +7 vs Troy
  • Oregon vs Boise State +7
  • Marshall vs Colorado State -4
  • Middle Tennessee State +3.5 vs Arkansas State
  • Akron +23 vs Florida Atlantic

Disney Officially Buys 21st Century Fox

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source– The Walt Disney Company said on Thursday that it had reached a deal to buy most of the assets of 21st Century Fox, the conglomerate controlled by Rupert Murdoch, in an all-stock transaction valued at roughly $52.4 billion.

While the agreement is subject to the approval of antitrust regulators — and the Justice Department recently moved to block a big media company from becoming even bigger — the once unthinkable acquisition promises to reshape Hollywood and Silicon Valley. It is the biggest counterattack from a traditional media company against the tech giants that have aggressively moved into the entertainment business.

Disney now has enough muscle to become a true competitor to Netflix, Apple, Amazon, Google and Facebook in the fast-growing realm of online video.

Big time news entertainment news today: Disney (don’t know if you’ve ever heard of them) reached an agreement to buy 21st Century Fox for the low, low price of $52.4 billion. Love finding a good bargain during the holiday season. But now that the Mouse has bought out one of its ostensible rivals in the big budget/comic book movie game, that can only mean one thing: we might finally get that Big Momma’s House/Howard the Duck crossover we’ve been waiting for.

The most immediate impact will most likely be the inclusion of the X-Men and Fantastic Four into the Marvel Universe, meaning they’ll have to re-establish a new X-Men continuity for the millionth time and reboot Fantastic Four for the third time. Good stuff. Disney also gets Fox’s share of streaming service Hulu, which they now essentially have full control of. Presumably, Hulu will now just become Disney’s personal streaming service, exorbitant monthly fee and all. Banner day for the free market in general. Disney, Amazon, and Netflix now have almost a complete monopoly on both the production and distribution of every movie that’s going to be made for at least 20 years. And you thought the Yankees were violating antitrust laws.

Personally, I’m fine with it. People will always complain when stuff like this happens- fair trade and all that. But I’m lazy. I like doing as little work as possible. And if all the Disney and Fox content is in one place, I’m happy. I’ll be fine when either Amazon or Disney buys out the other, because then literally every movie and show ever will be made by the same people. I’m all for monopolies. Fewer options are almost always better. Takes the stressful decision making process out of life. I’ll gladly be spoon-fed my nutrients and entertainment by the government if it means I never have to endlessly scroll through menus ever again.

This move also means that the only remaining independent entity in the entertainment industry is now http://www.briansden69.com. Honestly, it’s a lot of pressure. I have to speak not only for myself, but for all the mavericks out there who want to stand up to Big Mouse and its various constituents. I imagine I’ll some new viewers as the underground resistance grows. And to all the brave souls looking for a new, non-affiliated place to get their blazing hot takes, I promise you one thing: I vow to sell out the first chance I get. You can hold me to that. I will never put a sense of pride and a desire to accomplish something on my own get in the way of cold, hard cash. So, Disney, if you’re reading this, call me. I’m open for business.

Unpopular Opinion: Kelly Clarkson’s Wrapped in Red is the Best Christmas Album of the Last 33 Years

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As many of you certainly know by now, we’re smack dab in the middle of Christmas SZN, which means it’s prime time for Christmas music. There’s a lot of great Christmas music out there, and, if you’re somehow new to the genre, it can be a little overwhelming. The market is pretty darn saturated (it’s still one of my biggest dreams to record a Christmas album. That’s how I’ll know I’ve made it. Just imagine the cover of Brian’s Den Home for the Holidays), and it’s very easy to go down the wrong path. Luckily, I’m a bit of a Christmas music expert, and, in the spirit of the season, I’ll gladly give my two cents on what kind of Christmas music you should be listening to. Now, you can go anywhere on the Internet and find Christmas album rankings, and all of them will have the same five ones and it’ll just be the most famous ones and all that. But here’s a little tip you can only get here: Kelly Clarkson’s Wrapped in Red is the greatest Christmas album of the last 33 years. Why 33 years? Well, 33 years ago, this was released:

Enough said. With some notable exceptions, the majority of Christmas music was written before “Last Christmas” came out. So, for the most part, it was an even playing field for everyone who released a Christmas album afterwards, unless they felt like experimenting and releasing a new song. Some of these new songs worked. Most don’t. So, in the interest of creating the biggest pool from which to draw inspiration, only albums released after 1984 should be considered for the true connoisseur. Sure, there are some high quality pre-Wham! Christmas albums, but if half the songs you know and love haven’t even been written yet, what’s the point? I’d feel like I was cheating you, Christmas music neophyte, if I suggested a Johnny Mathis album that didn’t have a cover of “Santa Baby” included. Feel free to listen and enjoy, but some of the older albums have a much purer, more concentrated Christmas feel to them. Most of the time, only the more seasoned Christmas music listeners can handle the hopeful, more innocent, less cynical sounds of Bing Crosby and the like. We all know better than to feel optimistic about stuff these days, right? Every day was sunshine and rainbows for the folks in the 50s, and their Christmas music reflects that. So, modern=better.

I know what you’re thinking. “There must be a million Christmas albums released since 1984. What makes Kelly Clarkson’s the best?” Well, I’ll get to that shortly, but first I need to give out some honorable mentions, because there’s a lot of good Christmas albums out there. Two things to remember: 1. This is albums, not songs. I’m sorry I didn’t touch on your favorite song even though it’s really popular. That just means the rest of the album stunk. 2. This is non-religious only. There’s some hot, hot religious-only albums out there, but I figured I’d stick with the mainstream, mall soundtrack fare (for posterity’s sake, my top five religious Christmas songs: 1. O Holy Night 2. Oh Come, All Ye Faithful 3. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing 4. Angels We Have Heard On High 5. The First Noel). Most Christmas albums worth their salt have at least one religious song, anyway, so the singer can show off their range. It goes without saying, but if you like “Dominick the Donkey,” “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas,” “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” or “Do They Know It’s Christmas” you should be euthanized.

Honorable Mention

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Mariah Carey-Merry Christmas

Need to give a shoutout to Mariah for the unquestioned GOAT secular Christmas song. “All I Want for Christmas is You” is somehow both the most overplayed song of all time and the one song in the world that never gets old. It’s a musical triumph. I’ll be totally honest, I’ve never listened to the rest of the album, so it could either be horrible or I could have picked the wrong album to base this whole post around. I’m gonna assume it’s just okay outside AIWFCIY, so I think it’s fine putting it here.

Best Song:

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Leona Lewis- Christmas, with Love

Man, I thought Leona Lewis had next in 2007. She’s got some serious pipes and I have no idea why she’s not the biggest star in the world now. Oh, well, at least she released a great Christmas album. Three original songs seems like a little much when two of them aren’t great (“One More Sleep” is my jam), but the rest of it is pure heat to warm up even the coldest of winter nights.

Best Song:

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*NSYNC- Home for Christmas

If you don’t like “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” you can go ahead and stop reading this right now.

Best Song:

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Michael Bublé- Christmas

I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t mention the unofficial voice of Christmas, Michael Bublé. Somehow he only has one Christmas album despite the fact that you can find a Bublé cover of essentially every Christmas song ever made somewhere online. Pretty sure 90% of the Bub-god’s salary is made in late-November and December, and for good reason. This is a classy album that perfectly serves as inoffensive background music, but definitely lacks the kind of spiciness other albums have.

Best Song:

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Various Artists- A Very Special Christmas 2

This kind of represents the entire Very Special Christmas franchise. Despite my hatred of of “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” I’m a sucker for star-studded ensembles. Very Special Christmas is essentially just a Christmas music greatest hits album, so it’s kind of cheating a little bit, but it’s still great. Very Special Christmas 1 is disqualified for having “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” on it, but 3 is also excellent.

Best Song:

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Michael Bolton- This is the Time

Michael Bolton is a god who came to Earth to give soulful, sultry ballads to the masses.

Best Song:

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Various Artists- Christmas on Death Row

Just the album cover alone gets this a mention.

Best Song:

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NewSong- Sheltering Tree

Just kidding.

Best Song:

Alright, enough of the also-rans. Let’s get to the reason you’re here: Kelly Clarkson Wrapped in Red. What sets it apart? Why is it so great? Well, for starters, it’s a prime time name. Wrapped in Red just screams Christmas. It’s a miracle it hadn’t been taken before 2013. Next, the album cover is perfect (see top of page): simple, elegant, festive. That’s all you need. The back cover brings it too:

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Before purchasing this Christmas album, I wasn’t really in the spirit of things, but now that I’ve seen this picture of Kelly Clarkson playfully blowing snow in my face, I’m definitely ready for Santa to come down my chimney! But what really matters is the music, and folks, it doesn’t disappoint. Full disclosure: I’m a huge Kelly Clarkson fan and am almost definitely overrating this album, but I trust my own objectivity to know good music when I hear it. And there’s a lot of good music here. The title song isn’t great, which, admittedly, kind of throws a wrench in things, but it quickly picks up. “Underneath the Tree” is criminally underrated. Sure, it’s only four years old, but it has to be put in the same category as the modern classics.

So good. Then, if your spirits are riding too high, you can slow things down with another good original, “Winter Dreams.”

Just makes me want to cuddle up with that special someone (theoretically, of course). I like my Christmas songs to either get my toes tappin’ or to be slow and a little melancholy-but-not-really-since-everything’s-happy-during-Christmas. Wrapped in Red does that throughout. When it comes to covering the classics, it’s really just about song selection. At this level, everyone can sing, so as long as you just pick good songs and don’t try to “make them your own” (see: Christina Aguilera “O Holy Night”) you should be good. “White Christmas,” “Silent Night,” Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” and “Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel” are all elite Christmas songs. Kelly Clarkson could smoke a hundred packs a day, never sleep, and drink a gallon of coffee a day for the next year and still have a dominant voice, so when she gets ahold of your favorite Christmas hits good things happen. No, not every song is perfect. But the bad songs are like 6s or 7s out of 10. Still decent, and it just makes the great ones stand out more. I think I’ve made a pretty convincing argument, but if you still don’t believe me, go and sit by your Christmas tree. I don’t care what you do. Read, watch TV, just look at your phone, whatever. Just as long you put this album on. If the combination of Kelly Clarkson and Christmas trees doesn’t get you in the most festive mood you’ve ever been in, you’re a bigger grinch than the Grinch himself. Wrapped in Red is the perfect Christmas album. Kelly Clarkson: GOAT of American Idol, and now, GOAT of Winter.

The FBI Needs to Arrest Rob Manfred for Allowing the Giancarlo Stanton Trade to Happen

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Folks, I am currently both #triggered and #madonline. The reason? Well, it has something to do with yesterday’s catastrophic news that Giancarlo Stanton, National League MVP and Major League leader in home runs, was traded to the Yankees. Yes, the very same New York Yankees everyone knows and loves. The same Yankees that hit the most home runs in the league in a year where a league-wide record was set for most home runs. The same Yankees that somehow convinced the world that they were a bunch of loveable, plucky underdogs despite having the second highest payroll in the league and being the Yankees. I’m pretty sure Stanton was traded to the very same Yankees that the new Marlins owner played for once upon a time. After I saw the initial reports yesterday morning, I kept holding out hope that it wouldn’t happen. That someone would come out and say it was just a rumor or that the most perfect physical specimen in MLB history would somehow fail a physical. But of course I knew better. I wasn’t even mad in the moment. It was a bit nostalgic, honestly. It took me back to the days of pre-2004, pre-puberty me where I just accepted that everything would always break the Yankees’ way no matter what. As soon as I saw he was considering the Yankees I knew it was a done deal. We had already been given an unexpected gift when prize Japanese import Shohei Ohtani spurned the Yankees; there was no way they’d miss out on both of the big fish on the market. I was ready to just mope about it for a while, but now that the dust has settled and all the details are out I need some answers. This is some real shady shit, and the league should be embarrassed that they let it happen.

How are there not rules against this? Derek Jeter is a Yankee LEGEND. He is the Yankees. And you’re going to let him trade players to the Yankees within six months of him purchasing (with other people’s money) the Marlins? And for that? Starlin Castro and two nothing prospects is enough to get the best player in the National League? Are you kidding me? I mean, to be fair I was expecting it to be Jacoby Ellsbury and Chase Headley straight up, but I think I would have preferred that. At least then Jeter wouldn’t even be trying to hide the fact the he was gift-wrapping Stanton to his former team. Literally everything Jeter has done since he took over has had moving Stanton to the Yankees in mind. Firing everyone in the organization so that Stanton was unhappy and wanted to leave. Announcing Stanton was for sale without consulting him first, knowing only two or three teams in the league could take that contract and effectively removing any and all leverage the Marlins had, ensuring they could accept the first offer Stanton agreed to, regardless of how terrible it was. Convincing Stanton behind the scenes that the Red Sox were a terrible situation (true), the Cardinals and Giants sucked (true), and that the Dodgers “couldn’t afford it” (hmmmmm), thus leaving the Yankees as the only realistic landing spot (I may have made up this part but you know it’s true). It just makes me so pissed, because there’s a 0% chance any of these guys plays one game for the Marlins this year. They’re just going to flip Castro and probably get a lot more for him than they got for Stanton. Unless the Yankees want him back, then all it will take is a signed copy of John Sterling’s Greatest Hits. So disgusting.

I’m not even upset at the Yankees. If someone wants to accept you steaming pile of garbage of a trade offer, it’s not your fault. And, if I can put on my logically thinking Yankee H8tr hat on, I don’t really see how this helps them in the long run. Yes, they will now hit the most home runs in the league, something they haven’t done since the 2017 season. The top of this lineup is reminiscent of the Jeter-ARod-Giami-Sheffield-Matsui-Posada days, but those teams didn’t win shit. Quite the opposite, in fact. They literally have the worst loss in MLB history on their resume. The Yankees’ starting pitching is still bad, and, with the Yankees trying to cut cost and avoid the luxury tax, they can’t really afford to go out and buy another one. The history of these long, huge money deals going into a player’s 30s is pretty gruesome. Just look at Albert Pujols, whose prime was better than Stanton’s and was hardly ever hurt. With another four years left on his deal, he’s arguably the worst player in the league. Stanton’s hurt almost every year. I, for one, don’t see any issues there. Lastly, something Yankee fans have been saying for years is that they would sign Bryce Harper and Manny Machado just because they’re the Yankees. Well, next year is finally when both hit the open market. As we just established, the Yankees are trying to cut payroll. So you’re telling me they’re going to sign Machado and Harper to massive deals, keep paying Stanton $30 million a year, and then, with at least three mega-contracts on the books, sign Aaron Judge and Gary Sanchez when they hit arbitration or free agency? Ummmm, yeah, I don’t think so. Unless, of course, the Yankees decide to move on from Sanchez and/or Judge, which I think would cause riots in the streets of New York. This trade kind of screws up any long term plan they might have had. In fact, the more I think about it, the only thing I’m upset about is that one of my favorite players is now on the Yankees and that I might have to admit to myself that watching Judge and Stanton hit 600-bombs all year will be entertaining. Astros are still the best team in the league. That being said, if the Red Sox don’t sign J.D. Martinez I might be out on baseball for the next ten years.