Happy One Year Anniversary to Me

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Wow. As of today, it’s officially been a full year since I started The Brian’s Den. I know, I know. Congratulations to me and all that. Hard to believe it’s been 365 days since, a day after George Michael’s death, I decided to start this website. There’s been a lot of ups and a couple downs, but hopefully it was never boring. The world takeover hasn’t quite happened yet, but I still appreciate everyone who comes here to waste a few minutes every day. You’re all part of the the most exclusive club in the world, so don’t be afraid to puff out your chest a little bit and act like you’re better than everyone. You read the most educational website in the world, after all.

Now, were I a true professional, I’d have something special planned for my one year anniversary. Unfortunately, I’m not, so I don’t. So instead of forcing some content to materialize that undoubtedly won’t be good, I figured I’d just run back some posts that I know are good. That’s right, it’s the Official Brian’s Den clip show!

The Videos

Coors Field Concession Review

Denver Airport Conspiracy

Hot Dog Eating Contest

Episode 1 of my short lived cooking show (RIP)

How I Saved New York City

Can’t go too long without mentioning my (sort of) signature series, Burning Questions

Burning Questions Hub

The Food Takes

Which Fast Food Place Has the Worst Dressed Customers?

Fast Food Sauces Stink

Halloween Candy Power Ranking

Crab > Lobster

Why I Hate Lunch

The Grocery Store Rules

Best Pizza Chain

The Best #sports Talk

What’s up with JJ Redick’s tattoos?

The NBA’s Hidden Crime Syndicate

This is probably problematic but I still think it’s funny

Is Aaron Judge a True Yankee?

Pats Won the Super Bowl if you hadn’t heard

Entertainment News

Best Action Movie Characters

Stop Calling Die Hard a Christmas Movie

The Greatest Video Ever Made

Is The Weeknd a Virgin?

The Next Oscar Winner

The comprehensive list of Yu-Gi-Oh! takes

The Special Occasions

Countdown to 2017

Valentine’s Day

Eclipse 2017

Thanksgiving

Christmas (including Hawaiian Christmas)

So, what’s your favorite post? Did it show up here? Or do I have so many good ones that I overlooked some? What was my worst one (trick question, of course)? Let me know what you liked and would like to see more of. It was a good year one, and hopefully year two will be a big one.

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Is Elf on the Shelf Just a Front for NSA Surveillance?

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I’ll keep this short since I know everyone is busy doing things like “spending time with their families” and “enjoying the Christmas season,” but it’s never inappropriate to get a little woke. In my learned opinion, Elf on the Shelf is an extension of the Patriot Act put in place by the NSA to destroy the seeds of terrorism at the child level.

It’s pretty simple: Elf on the Shelf watches over kids and tells Santa if they’ve been naughty or nice. But there’s a pretty big flaw in that logic: Santa already knows who’s been naughty or nice already. He’s been able to magically know the morality of every child on Earth for hundreds of years. You’re telling me that the Santa cannon is changing because of a 2005 book/toy combination? Please. Santa doesn’t need Elf on the Shelf and never has. So why does Elf on the Shelf still exist? An unspoken agreement between corporations and parents to drive retail sales and keep kids well behaved? Maybe. But I think there’s a bigger game at play. Who else could benefit from this kind of unchecked surveillance? The government probably could. And when was the Patriot Act, a countrywide effort to increase surveillance and national security, ratified? 2001. And, despite civil liberty concerns, when was it re-upped? 2005. And Elf on the Shelf first came to stores in 2005? I think it’s a bit of a stretch to call that merely a coincidence.

Think about it from the kids’ point of view. What’s the most important thing in the world to them? Getting a bunch of awesome gifts for Christmas. Even if you’ve been indoctrinated from birth by a terrorist cell’s sick manifesto, being seen as “nice” in Santa’s eyes is priority number one. Are you gonna start planning a mass murder in a public place if you know Santa’s watching? I’m not. Not in a million years. Elf on the Shelf is a brilliant ploy by the NSA, because no one would ever expect the NSA to get involved in holiday affairs. Sure, there’s still terrorists out there. But if that one little terrorist kid thinks twice before executing their hateful scheme, that gives the NSA plenty of time to send agents to eliminate the threat. Sure, you hear about a lot of terrible things these days, but think about how many you haven’t heard about because of Elf on the Shelf. I’m all for privacy and personal liberty, but I also like being safe. So thank you for exploiting our children’s unwavering belief in the power of Santa, NSA. You’ve made this Christmas a safe one.

Why Do People Still Care About O.J. Simpson?

O.J. Simpson Sentenced In Kidnapping, Robbery Trial

I can’t believe what I’m seeing. I really can’t. Here we are, July 20th, 2017, and O.J. Simpson is the top story. What’s the reason? Did he finally die? No, just his parole hearing. His parole hearing is being broadcast on ESPN. No, really, it is.

There’s a parole hearing on ESPN. And it’s not like they’re the only ones covering it, either. It’s on every news station. On every website. Go on Twitter and it’s all anyone can talk about. And I just can’t wrap my mind around it. He’s an NFL legend, sure, but he played in the 70s. He killed his wife and her brother (allegedly) and was the centerpiece of the most fervently covered trial of all time. That was over twenty years ago. When O.J. was put on trial for murder, the Patriots had been to one Super Bowl in their history. Think about that. That’s how long ago O.J. did anything relevant. But he’s still on my TV screen. Every year there’s a new O.J. documentary. Every year someone comes out with a new book claiming to have a new angle on the cultural importance of the trial, but it’s always the same thing. Seemingly every three months we have to talk about O.J. goddamn Simpson and what it all means. This is all going to happen again when he get out in a few months. People still care about O.J. and I just don’t get it. Why? Why the hell does he still matter? Why can’t he just go away?

He’s not the only person to ever kill anybody, you know. Aaron Hernandez killed a billion people and his trial came and went in an instant. Randall Woodfield played in the 70s, but unless you’ve got a very in-depth knowledge on serial killers, you’ve probably never heard the name before. There have been countless CSI/Criminal Minds-type serial killers who never had the media heyday as the Juice, and most of them killed dozens more people than O.J. did. Sure O.J. was more famous and more charismatic and all that, but what he did wasn’t so remarkably heinous or viscous or depraved that it needs to be talked about almost 25 years later. I don’t need Bob Ley and Jeremy Schaap to pop up on Sportcenter every few weeks to talk about O.J. for hours on end. I really don’t. It’s all so boring to me. Make it go away.

I was two years old when O.J. (allegedly) murdered his wife. I’m not sure my dad even knew what the phrase “a glimmer in his father’s eye” even meant when O.J. was in the NFL. I literally have no emotional connection to him whatsoever. I get that the people that were actually alive during O.J. mania still hold on to memories of his playing days, his movies, or the trial. But, please, let it go. Let him fade into oblivion. I can’t take yet another documentary. I shudder at the thought of more mind-numbingly boring discussions about how O.J. is just a mirror for our society at large. New flash everyone, he’s not. He’s just a guy that killed his wife then stole some memorabilia. He’s a piece of shit. Deal with it. This isn’t the 1950s, pro athletes aren’t all straight-laced, All-American role models living the Hulk Hogan “say your prayers, take your vitamins” lifestyle. Grow up. I think part of the reason the trail blew up so much was that all the old sportswriters had to deal with the fact that one of their favorite athletes, a guy they looked up to, turned out to be not that great of a guy. The vast, VAST, majority of pro athletes should not be role models. They don’t care about you, they don’t care about how much your stupid kid loves them, they don’t care about your fantasy team, none of it. All the people who were so shocked at O.J.’s actions grew up in a time where being a pro baseball player pretty much meant you were everyone’s dad. You were supposed to set an example for all the little kids out there so their actual parents didn’t have to do any of the work. It doesn’t work like that. No pro athlete (with the possible exception of True Yankees) wants anything to do with being a role model. The fact that Charles Barkley even needed to make his famous “I am not a role model” commercial really says it all. Just because they make a lot of money and are on TV all the time doesn’t make them a good person. Know when I learned that? When I saw Roger Clemens throw Mike Piazza’s broken bat back at him in a fit of roid rage. When I saw Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson jump into the stands and start taking fans out left and right. When my favorite baseball player ever (hilariously) took an angry, charging old man by his head and threw him to the ground. When Ugueth Urbina attacked five guys with a machete and poured gasoline on them. When a version of me unused to rigorously parsing through rulebooks and legal documents had to deal with the fact that my Patriots had been accused of filming their opponents. When Ray Lewis obstructed justice (wink wink). When Colt Brennan, the God of Quarterbacking and the Chief Idol of the Brian’s Den, was arrested for DUI. The entire Steroid Era. When my then-favorite player Carmelo Anthony sucker punched Mardy Collins in the heat of a brawl and immediately retreated. When Aaron Hernandez was my favorite football player. I learned pretty quickly to separate the on-field player from the off-the-field person, and I’m better off for it. O.J. represents this big loss of innocence (among other things) for the older generation, but he didn’t have to be. Don’t treat athletes like anything but exactly what they are: athletes. They aren’t role models. They aren’t your brother or father. They’re just people, and if you get seriously disappointed or crushed by their actions, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Bees are Dying at an Alarming Rate, and they May have Found the Cause

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source– The largest study so far on the fraught question of whether neonicotinoid pesticides harm bees is providing new ammunition for those who argue against the use of the controversial chemicals.

The large-scale field study found that overall, exposure to neonicotinoids harms bee populations. In particular, the pesticides reduce honeybees’ ability to survive their winter hibernation, say researchers.

“We’re showing significant negative effects at critical life-cycle stages, which is a cause for concern,” says Richard Pywell, who studies sustainable land management at the Centre for Ecology and Hydrology near Wallingford, UK, and is co-author of a paper resulting from the experiment, published on 29 June in Science.

However, the work was mainly funded by two major neonicotinoid makers, Bayer CropScience and Syngenta. They question the scientists’ conclusions and defend the pesticides, which are already banned or restricted in several countries. The researchers who did the work say they were totally independent.

So, it all comes full circle. For years, anyone who wanted to be zany and different would hold up signs saying “Bees are Dying at an Alarming Rate” at games or concerts or something. It became an internet punchline, an anti-joke that always seemed appropriate. Well, at long, last, there’s a cause. And surprise, surprise. Chemtrails are to blame.

Now, I know the study never mentioned Chemtrails. It says the harmful pesticides is applied to the seeds before planting. But I can put two and two together. This has Chemtrails written all over it. After I infiltrated the Denver Airport, I’m kind of an expert on conspiracies now. I can sniff them out from a mile away. For those of you too ignorant to know, the term Chemtrails refers to the chemical-laced contrails left behind by high-flying aircraft, constantly spraying the unknowing public. Who’s responsible? Is it the government? Some private company? The Lizard People? Who’s to say? But, I have a theory.

You’re probably wondering why the nefarious party behind the Chemtrails would target the poor bees. It kind of seems like a waste of time on the surface. I mean, I’m not really a bee guy, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to kill them or anything. But, as you all know, I am a big flower guy, and that’s where this whole plot becomes sinister. No bees means no flowers. No flowers means everyone is sad all the time. Once the malaise and depression has fully set in, you can sell people some wonderful medication to make them feel happy again. Then you get people hooked, and now you’re printing money and run the world. So, yeah, I think I just cracked the case. Chemtrails are being produced by a pharmaceutical company whose goal is to get everyone addicted to depression medication. I’d wonder how no one else has put all of this together yet, but not everyone has my experience dealing with this stuff. What can I say? I’m the Sherlock Holmes of conspiracy theories. No web is too complex to unravel. No shadow too dark to bring to the light. Just give me a scent and I’ll give you the truth. I honestly feel bad for some of these secret societies. They don’t stand a chance once I put my sights on them. Your move, Illuminati.

Tomorrow’s the Day…. the Illuminati better be shaking in their boots

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Those of you with long memories will remember I mentioned a trip I was going on in the Spring. That I was going to Colorado to expose the mysteries of the Denver International Airport. Well, that time is nigh. Tomorrow morning, I’ll depart from the Brian’s Den and take the show on the road. Normally, I’d keep this quiet so that I could surprise my opponents and put them on the defensive. Well, I wanted to keep things sporting. The Powers that Be in Denver officially have 24 hours to prepare for my arrival. I’ll be ready for anything They throw at me. Flight delays. Random searches. Lost luggage. Closing every Cinnabon in the airport. I know They’ll try everything possible to get under my skin. Well, it won’t work. I’m a bulldog of a journalist. Once I get a story’s scent, nothing can shake me off of it. No matter how many times They try to knock me down, I’ll just keep getting right back up. I’m going to bring this place to its knees. I hope They’re ready.

 

For all non-conspiracy updates, follow my Instagram @briansden69 and my snapchat @briancurran11

I’m going on a trip this Spring…

So I’m taking a well deserved vaca in June. The first real trip I’ve ever planned by myself, and the first vacation I’ve gone on in years (as the great Bill Belichick says, “No Days Off”). Gonna be a great way to expand my horizons and get some grade A #content for the Brian’s Den. There’s only one catch…I’m flying there. Normally, that means nothing. But now? Well, let me direct you to one of my favorite YouTube videos…

That’s right, I’m going to Denver (no, it’s not for the weed), which means I’m flying into and out of the Denver International Airport. The ultimate hub of conspiracies. I think it has ties to every secret society known to man (nothing gets my blood flowing like secret societies. Mention any of them and I instantly believe anything you say. I can easily be convinced the Illuminati are behind literally any event that has ever taken place. And have you ever walked by a Masonic lodge? You can feel the dark energy poring out). Crazy things reportedly go down each and every day. And the worst part? It’s all 100%, unequivocally true. Think about it- what’s the point of starting conspiracy rumors about the Denver airport? It’s such a random place. If this video was about the Pentagon or something like that I’d roll my eyes and move on. But the Denver airport? Now I’m listening. And it doesn’t take much effort to find other videos like this. There’s something going on at this airport, and I intend to find out what.

In the first piece of investigative journalism here at the Brian’s Den, I promise to expose every angle of the Denver airport’s many mysteries, and I intend to get as much of it on video as possible. I realize how dangerous this is. Delve even an inch to far into the thick web of influence and I’m likely dead, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. I won’t rest until every stone is unturned: the murals, the rug pattern, the horse statue, the swastika runways, the underground series of tunnels and bunkers. I’m going to shed a light on all of it and show the world what’s going on. The Masons, Illuminati, New World Order, Nazis, and even the Skull and Bones Society better get ready, because I’m coming for them whether they like it or not.

BONUS: Best Conspiracy Videos

A good way to lose an hour, a day, a week, a lifetime is to get deep into YouTube conspiracy videos. A good rule of thumb is that a conspiracy video’s quality is inverse of the video quality-if it looks like it was filmed in 1982, then you’re in for something good. Here’s some of my favorites.

Listen, Tony Temple’s record is invalid. It’s really as simple as that.

I don’t know who NFLranking is, but the only thing he ever made was a 9-part series about how the 2002 Western Conference Finals was fixed. The more parts a conspiracy video series has, the better. NFLrankings was truly doing God’s work.

Flat Earth truthers are absolute idiots. Hollow Earthers? Well, there might be something to it.

Well, I’m convinced.

At the risk of disturbing the Beyhive, this might be my favorite. Beyonce sucks.