Author: Brian

NFL Week 14 Picks

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After yet another Thursday night game filled with injuries, I think it’s fair to ask: has Color Rush killed football? I know it’s sacrilege to suggest, but, as far as I know, no one has gotten hurt on a Sunday or Monday the whole season. Every single concussion and injury has happened on Thursday night. I guess the players just aren’t as tough as they used to be. In olden times, players could handle wearing Color Rush jerseys. They didn’t let the explosion of color trick their brains into thinking it was “concussed.” Such a shame how far this league has fallen. Used to be filled with proud men who could handle Color Rush. Now we’re just left with boys who’ve never worn an alternate jersey before in their life. SMH, man. SMH.

(Side note: Matt Ryan’s MVP just keeps getting funnier every week. Brady has one of the best seasons of all time, but since he does every year and people are tired of him they give it to someone else. Turns out Matt Ryan absolutely SUCKS, but as long as it’s not Brady, right? Can’t wait for Carson Wentz to win this year. When we look back on Brady’s career when he retires in 15 years, the fact that he only won 2 MVPs will be the most egregious error in sports history.)

Dallas Cowboys (-4) at New York Giants

If I know the NFL like I think I do, I’d wager the Giants are about to go on a late season winning streak now that they’re freed from the shackles of Ben McAdoo and totally screw themselves out of a good draft pick because football is dumb.

Pick: Giants +4

Green Bay Packers (-3.5) at Cleveland Browns

If I know the NFL like I think I do, I’d wager the Packers win this and somehow stay alive until Aaron Rodgers comes back and leads them to the NFC Championship Game.

Pick: Packers -3.5

San Francisco 49ers at Houston Texans (-3)

This game will finally answer the age old question: Who has better backups, Brady or Belichick? One of the most underrated part of the Pats run of dominance is how terrible every assistant becomes when they leave Bill’s warm embrace. Can he make anyone look like a good coach? Would Ben McAdoo look competent if he was under Belichick? Would Dan Quinn? Is there anyone stupid enough to hinder Belichick’s genius? Based on what we’ve seen from Bill O’Brien, I’m leaning no.

Pick: 49ers +3

Chicago Bears at Cincinnati Bengals (-6.5)

Not going to lie to you, folks. I have absolutely no interest in watching any of this game. Not saying I won’t watch it, just saying I don’t want to.

Pick: Bears +6.5

Minnesota Vikings (-3) at Carolina Panthers

I want to to close you eyes. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. Imagine yourself walking through a field of tall grass. You notice a tall tree nearby and decide to sit underneath. The ground underneath you is pleasantly soft and you let the shade cool you off. You hear birds chirping overhead. You are totally at peace. Suddenly, a bird lands on the ground next to you. Without warning, it squawks, in English for some reason, “Case Keenum is an MVP candidate.” Then you wake up.

Pick: Vikings -3

Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs (-4)

I don’t care how bad the Raiders are, the Chiefs should never be favored again. Like, as long as the franchise still exists, they shouldn’t be favored. What a disgrace they are. Remember when the Chiefs were going to the Super Bowl and the Pats were dead? Good times. Good times.

Pick: Raiders +4

Detroit Lions at Tampa Bay Bucs

No line yet because Matt Stafford might not play, which opens up the door for something I think we all really want: a full game of Jake Rudock! Legitimately might be the worst game of all time.

Pick: Bucs I guess

Indianapolis Colts at Buffalo Bills

No line yet because Tyrod Taylor might not play, which opens up the door for something I think we all really want: another game of Nathan Peterman! Legitimately might be the worst game of all time.

Pick: Bills if Tyrod plays, no one if he doesn’t

New York Jets (-1) at Denver Broncos

I’m going to admit something here that I’m not sure I ever would: I kind of love this Jets team. There’s just something about Josh McCown’s no-porn-watching ass that’s just really entertaining. He thrives in chaos. He thrives in the mud. He thrives when the other team has quit. If that doesn’t perfectly describe what this Jets-Broncos game is going to be I don’t know what does.

Pick: Jets -1

Washington Redskins at Los Angeles Chargers (-6)

Imagine if the Chargers actually won one of their first four games? Crazy that they’re clearly the best team in the division and started 0-4. I’m just glad the Redskins are essentially out out it, because when the Skins are irrelevant it’s time to fire up the name debate again. Is it time for the Redskins to distance themselves from Washington? You tell me.

Pick: Chargers -6

Tennessee Titans (-3) at Arizona Cardinals

Are the Titans going to win 11 games this year? Somehow, it’s looking like a yes. I have no idea how they keep winning. They aren’t good at anything. The only thing they’re good at is being less bad than their opponents. That’s all that really matters, I guess.

Pick: Titans -3

Seattle Seahawks at Jacksonville Jaguars (-3)

I really want to say that this is kind of where it all starts to fall apart for the Jags, but just thinking about the Seahawks offensive line coming to Sacksonville has me shaken up and I don’t have a dog in the fight. I know Russell Wilson is impossible to tackle, but not even he can escape four freakishly athletic huge guys at once every single play. First team to 9 wins.

Pick: Jags

Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Rams (-2)

Whoever loses can’t be a pleasant surprise anymore. Those are the rules. Eagles looked like booty last week offensively. They looked like booty defensively. And now they have to face a better team than they did last week? Especially now that the Rams get to be the Wildfire team? Take the under, but this one might get ugly.

Pick: Rams -2

Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers (-4.5)

I might be breaking some news to you here, but word on the street is that there’s no love lost between these two teams. Shocking, I know. Not only is 4.5 too many points for this rivalry, but I honestly don’t know how the Steelers get up for this game after what happened to Ryan Shazier. Really scary scene that’s going to be ingrained in their minds for a while.

Pick: Ravens +4.5

New England Patriots (-11.5) at Miami Dolphins

It’s honestly offensive to me that the Pats have to play the rest of these games. What’s the point? Who benefits from this? Just chalk it up as a win and everyone goes home happy and healthy.

Pick: Pats -11.5

BONUS COLLEGE PICK

  • Army vs Navy -3

Now That the Browns Have Fired Their GM, Is it Time for Me to Throw My Hat in the Ring?

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ESPN– The Cleveland Browns fired Sashi Brown, their executive vice president of football operations, on Thursday. Brown headed the personnel department for the past two years.

Head coach Hue Jackson will remain on the job and will return for the 2018 season, “but we feel it is necessary to take significant steps to strengthen our personnel department,” owner Jimmy Haslam said in a statement.

Other front-office members also are expected to be let go as the team reshapes its front office again, sources told ESPN.

First of all, R.I.P. to Sashi Brown’s career. When the Cleveland Browns think they can do better than you, that’s got to be a death blow. Also, how can you be fired from the Browns if your last name is Brown? Doesn’t seem right.

Anyway, now that the Browns are once again searching for leadership, it got me thinking that it might be time for me to step into the NFL front office world. I realize the Browns aren’t exactly the ideal starting point, but what better way to become a legend than turning the Browns into contenders? People may say that I have no qualifications or experience, and, though it’s true I haven’t actually worked for an NFL team before, I have a functioning brain, which is more than I can say for 99% of all NFL executives. The Browns also hired the guy Jonah Hill played in Moneyball to run the show, so the Browns saying I have no NFL qualifications would be pretty rich. I’ve played a lot, and I mean a lot, of Madden. I’ve done an infinite amount of fantasy drafts, so I know how roster construction works, and I passed fifth grade math, so I think I can figure out how to manipulate the salary cap in my favor. Lastly, as I’m sure you’re all aware, I’m an NFL expert. I don’t think I’ve gotten a single pick wrong this whole year. I know the league inside and out, and, again, I have a brain. I can fix the Browns. Matter of fact, I can take the Browns to the Super Bowl within five years. Actually, make that three. If the Browns hire me as GM, they’ll win the Super Bowl three years from now. How? Well, I’m glad you asked. I hereby present my simple fifteen-step plan to fix the Cleveland Browns.

  1. Get a new coach. Hue Jackson stinks. The new coach would preferably be a good coach.
  2. Make sure LeBron leaves this offseason. Cleveland isn’t a “three good teams” kind of city. Just to be safe I might ensure Francisco Lindor has a serious “accident” on the way to Spring Training.
  3. Give Josh Gordon as much money as he wants to make sure he stays around forever.
  4. Stop drafting bad players.
  5. Draft good players.
  6. Don’t sign bad players in free agency.
  7. Scour other teams’ practice squads to find cheap, overlooked talent that will allow me to game the salary cap system by building the roster around minimum wage and rookie-deal players while paying huge money to good free agents, most of which will play offensive or defensive line and defensive back.
  8. Take every “freak athlete but raw” project player that teams give up on after two years.
  9. Unless they’re a key player, cut anyone with an adidas or Under Armour sponsorship. Nike pays the bills around here.
  10. Build a new stadium (using tax player money, of course) as far away from Lake Erie as possible while still being able to claim to be in Cleveland. Too much bad history.
  11. Go back to the uniforms from three years ago.
  12. Call Calvin Johnson and give him 35% franchise ownership if he comes back.
  13. Trade down from the number one pick so I can get more picks and draft Lamar Jackson.
  14. Strongly encourage my coach to play a hyper-aggressive, never punt, go deep all game, all-or-nothing style that leads to blowouts when it goes well.
  15. Profit.

That’s it. That’s my plan in a nutshell. If I’m given the freedom I need, Browns are Super Bowl champs in 2021 at the latest. Can’t wait to get into the Hall of Fame.

My Christmas List

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Dear Santa,

I hope this finds you well. I understand this is a busy time for you and your staff, but, assuming you’re reading this, it appears I was correct in assuming my oversized envelope labeled only with magazine cutout letters spelling “I have Mrs. Claus” caught your attention. I realize it may seem extreme, but you do what you have to to stand out. To clarify: I do not actually have Mrs. Claus, so if she is currently missing, I would appreciate being removed from the suspect list. Thank you.

Anyway, as I’m sure you know, it’s the Christmas season. And, again, as I’m sure you know, the Christmas season is all about other people to buying you things. Or something. Either way, you’re the man to turn to when it comes getting stuff you want without paying for it, so I figured I’d drop you a line. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I have been good this year. I rounded up my change to help St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital the last time I went to the mall, I exposed a deep-seated conspiracy that goes back decades, I helped prop up the struggling hot dog industry, I saved New York City, and I recycle. Sure, I’m not perfect. I don’t always come to a complete stop at stop signs. I downloaded some music without paying for it. I speak to my family only slightly more often than Aaron Rodgers does. But I think you’ll find the good far outweighs the bad, and that I’m more than eligible for a haul of Christmas gifts. And while this is more of a guideline than a list of demands, I would prefer if you kind of stick to the script. I know it’s your workshop’s specialty and all, but I’ll be pissed if I get some crappy wooden toy. It’s 2017, the last thing in the world I need to a wood dog with wheels that I can pull around. Just give me coal instead, at least it has a practical use. Anyway, without further ado, I present my 2017 Christmas List.

  • A ton of money
  • My own Chick-fil-a franchise
  • A Japanese Cherry Tree sapling imported from Tokyo
  • The complete Take That discography
  • A signed copy of The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance
  • 20 more years of Tom Brady
  • A pony
  • One of the Crown Jewels, don’t really care which
  • A stylish collection of ascots so I can add some smoking lounge chic to my wardrobe
  • Gold
  • Frankensense
  • Myrrh
  • A couple Bitcoins
  • A Nintendo Switch with Breath of the Wild and Mario Odyssey
  • An end to fast food regionalism so I can have In-n-Out, Whataburger, Bojangles, Raising Cane’s, Zaxby’s, Cook Out, and every other Southern place without having to base a vacation around trying them
  • An all-expenses-paid vacation to go to every regional fast food place in America
  • An apparel and shoe sponsorship with Nike, Adidas, or Under Armour
  • Musical talent
  • A saltwater aquarium complete with a full range of fish. Seahorses are most important aspect
  • An appointment with the Pimp My Ride crew
  • A 10-day contract with literally any NBA team
  • Make UConn men’s basketball better
  • A role as whatever superhero is left in the next round of Marvel movies
  • A pair of game-worn Pitbull gloves
  • Access to the Book of Secrets
  • Tickets to Hamilton so I can tell people I’ve seen Hamilton
  • Matchstick Men on DVD
  • Russia to get re-instated into the Olympics so there’s someone to root against
  • Russia to win the World Cup in the most obviously rigged way possible because it would actually be kind of funny
  • A job as a nature documentary cameraman
  • My own used car dealership
  • A better cable company than Optimum
  • A private jet
  • Some kind of holiday in August
  • To find a hidden oil reserve in my backyard
  • A better feel for interior decorating
  • A lifetime supply of Cheez-It
  • A lifetime supply of DiGiorno
  • My own Margaritaville location
  • A time machine
  • Another time machine that I can give to a responsible person to undo anything I would do using my time machine
  • Better WiFi
  • A complete brontosaurus fossil
  • Someone who follows me around telling me not to eat all the really unhealthy stuff I eat
  • My own house flipping reality tv show
  • A good app idea that someone else designs but I get to sell
  • An English bulldog
  • Some new Transformers. Don’t know what they’re like now but I want to get back in the game
  • Another pony so the first pony has some company
  • My own Domino’s franchise
  • Diplomatic immunity in every part of the world except New England
  • A Manhattan brownstone
  • No more automated calls
  • A maid who’s only job is to fold laundry
  • The eradication of Dominick the Donkey and everyone who likes it
  • World peace and all that
  • An authentic Turboman

Continued on next three pages. Make sure to read all of it.

Thanks in advance and Merry Christmas,

Brian

Are People Actually Upset That Ohio State Didn’t Make the Playoff?

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So the College Football Playoff foursome was announced yesterday, and, even though I’m sure you’ve heard every possible take about it, but I just had to throw my two cents out because, well, I’m very narcissistic and think you care about my opinion. Anyway, Clemson, Oklahoma, Georgia, and Alabama all made it, putting an end to the weeklong “Alabama or Ohio State?” debate that saw the good people of America be held hostage by two of the three worst college football fanbases (if only Penn State was in the mix, then it could have been the unholy trinity). Most reaction I’ve seen has been pretty measured and reasonable, but I’ve seen a couple thinkpieces that make me want to bang my head against the wall until I think like a retired NFL player. It’s baffling to me that anyone thinks Ohio State should have been in.

Listen, it’s obviously an imperfect system. Even though the playoff had been gathering momentum for years, when they introduced it three years ago it kind of felt rushed. Well, now that we’ve seen it works it’s time to do some tinkering. I’m not the first and won’t be the last to say expanding to 8 teams is necessary. The Power 5 conference champions then three at large teams, including any undefeated mid-major team. If this year’s playoff was Clemson-Oklahoma-Georgia-Alabama-Ohio State-USC-UCF-Wisconsin I think everyone would be happy. But only four teams make it, and it should be the four best teams. Period. Alabama is better than Ohio State. They just are. Yes, Ohio State is hot. But they also lost by 15 to Oklahoma, not the worst result ever, and by 31 to Iowa. 31!!!!! TO IOWA!!!! Iowa is terrible. They won one game after beating Ohio State. Outside Clemson’s bizarre loss to Syracuse it might be the single worst loss of the season by any team. Iowa has, what, five or six guys that’ll play in the NFL? Ohio State has five or six first round picks! They should have destroyed Iowa. They should have destroyed Wisconsin, but stopped trying after they went up 14-0. How can you look at this team and say “yeah, they’re definitely one of the best four. Have been all season?” Alabama was literally ranked ahead of them every single week. Alabama has more talent than everyone but Clemson. Did they struggle down the stretch? Sure. Did they have a brutal schedule? You betcha. Do they always get the benefit of the doubt? Yes, and for good reason. Would you be surprised if Alabama won the title? I wouldn’t. Honestly whoever wins the Sugar Bowl is winning the championship. Remember when Ohio State played Clemson last year? Clemson won 31-0. The B1G stinks. Ohio State played a soft-ass schedule and somehow lost two games. Alabama played a gauntlet of a schedule and only lost once. Pretty cut and dry, if you ask me. Yeah, Alabama didn’t make their conference championship game, but why should that really matter? Not playing that extra game didn’t turn them from the second best team in the country into the fifth. That’s asinine. They’re there because the deserve it, end of story. Now expand it to eight so we can debate who the ninth best team in the country is.

Also, for what it’s worth, USC is better than Ohio State and should have been getting the hype Ohio State got.

NFL Week 13 Picks

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I’m not usually one to talk about karma. For the most part, I think life just kind of happens. After all, my beloved Patriots are still the best team in the league. Sure, the Colts are dead after fabricating Deflategate, but the Ravens are somehow still relevant. Literally nothing bad ever happened to Peyton Manning after taking HGH and putting his genitals on a poor trainer’s forehead. Aaron Rodgers is generally viewed as a good guy (as long as you’re not his family), but he’s gotten seriously hurt multiple times. The universe just kind of does what it does, and I’m not sure how much control we have over it. But, the Redskins definitely had last night coming. You’re going to reject Color Rush? Are you kidding me? You have these beautiful golden threads

and you say thanks but no thanks? Listen, I’m on the record as pro-maroon/burgundy, but you can’t turn down Color Rush and expect not to feel some consequences. I’m glad they got blown out by a team that looked like it was dead in the water during the entirety of the Zeke suspension. Hope you guys are happy with yourselves. Anyway, decent group of games this week, but I’m sure it’ll just be a lot of blowouts, because thats what always happens.

San Francisco 49ers at Chicago Bears (-3)

Jimmy G, baby! Bears are dead, 49ers are about to catch fire behind the second best quarterback in AFC East history, this one is as cut and dry as it gets.

Pick: 49ers +3

Tampa Bay Bucs at Green Bay Packers (-2)

Can we just cancel the rest of the Packers’ schedule? And the Bucs’, for that matter? I think it would be beneficial to all parties involved. No? Alright, I guess we’ll just go ahead and play this game. Whatever. We’re getting pretty close to “it’s really cold down there on the field, let’s cut to Pam Oliver with a thermometer” season for northern teams. Gonna be great.

Pick: Packers -2

Denver Broncos (-1.5) at Miami Dolphins

Dear god, why?

Pick: Dolphins +1.5

Detroit Lions at Baltimore Ravens (-2.5)

Well, it’s just about that time. Ravens have looked like absolute trash offensively all year and have ridden their defense to six wins, which means somehow they’re about to finish the year at least 4-1 and make it to the AFC Championship Game. They’re the only AFC team that could possibly challenge the Pats, mostly because they always challenge the Pats. The Lions franchise just feels like it’s in total no-man’s-land right now. Might be time to blow it up.

Pick: Ravens -2.5

Minnesotta Vikings at Atlanta Falcons (-3)

I’m officially suspending my “never bet on the Falcons” stance, because, above all else, I’m no fool. The Falcons remembered they had one of the greatest offenses of all time last year, and I think they’re probably going to spend the rest of the regular season smashing teams. Vikings are good, but they’re just playing the Falcons at the wrong time. Unless it’s a close game in the fourth, then the Falcons will revert back to the Falcons we all know and love.

Pick: Falcons -3

Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars (-9.5)

I legitimately feel bad for what’s about to happen to Jacoby Brissett. He doesn’t deserve any of it.

Pick: Jags -9.5

Kansas City Chiefs (-3.5) at New York Jets

If I’ve learned anything this season, it’s that you don’t just waltz into MetLife Stadium when everyone’s wearing green and come out unscathed. Especially if you legitimately forgot how to play football. Chiefs suck so bad, but hey, they beat the Pats in week one! That’s all that matters, right?

Pick: Jets +3.5

Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans (-7)

Every year there’s a team that everyone knows sucks but winds up winning 10+ games and getting into the playoffs. With the Bengals vacating the crown and finally coming back to Earth, the Titans are clearly this year’s version. They stink. They stink out loud. But every team they face is somehow worse. Texans died a few weeks ago, but they still have enough to keep it close before losing on a last second field goal.

Pick: Texans +7

New England Patriots (-9) at Buffalo Bills

Pats. Next.

Pick: Pats -9

Cleveland Browns at Los Angeles Chargers (-14)

My favorite thing about every Browns game is that, at some point during the broadcast, the announce team invariably mentions how the Browns could have drafted every good player on the other team but failed to do so, pretty much regardless of who the Browns actually took. “Did you know the Browns could have had Shawne Merriman but took Braylon Edwards instead? What idiots!” “I heard the Browns could have taken Melvin Ingram, but took Trent Richardson instead. How foolish can you get?” “I saw that the Browns could have drafted LSU receiver Craig Davis but took Joe Thomas. Typical Browns!” Until the Browns win the Super Bowl (try saying that with a straight face), every decision they make will just be mocked no matter what. Poor, poor Browns. At least Josh Gordon is back for now.

Pick: Chargers -14

New York Giants at Oakland Raiders (-9)

RIP Eli Manning. Gone but not forgotten. While trying to wrap my head around the timing and reasons for this move, I realized that Ben McAdoo, one of the worst coaches I’ve ever seen, actually thinks the team has a better chance to win with Geno Smith at QB. They’re still trying to win! The NFL is so backwards. It would be in the Giants’ best interest to lose the rest of their games, fire everyone, and move forward. Instead, if the unthinkable happens and they catch lightning in a bottle with Geno or Davis Webb and win three or four more games, everyone gets excited, says “well, if everyone didn’t get hurt and we had Geno the whole time, who knows where we’d be,” then McAdoo comes back, they don’t draft a QB, and we do the same thing next year. So stupid. Someone give me a GM job so I can run circles around the rest of the league. Side note on Geno- the only NFL game I’ve actually been to was a Jets-Pats game on a Thursday night in the pouring rain. It was the worst game of all time. Literally the only memorable thing that happened was an Aaron Dobson TD on a fake field goal. It was Geno’s second career game, and, as a huge Geno guy when he was at West Virginia, a couple throws he made in the first half made my nether regions tingle with delight. But then he threw picks on three straight passes. Pretty much his career in a nutshell.

Pick: Raiders -9

Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints (-4.5)

Marshon Lattimore is back, which means the Saints are back. Feel like we’re due for another Cam Newton stinker, so I’m expecting a Saints blowout.

Pick: Saints -4.5

Los Angeles Rams (-7) at Arizona Cardinals

Are we in the middle of a Blaine Gabbert career renaissance? I’m all in. I’m anticipating some big numbers out of Yo Gabba Gabbert this week. Think 24-38 for 258, 2 tds, and a pick. About to be the most random hot streak since the month of time where Ersan Ilyasova was the best player in the NBA. #GabbertforMVP.

Pick: Rams -7

Philadelphia Eagles (-6) at Seattle Seahawks

I’m always wary when it comes to jumping on or off a team’s bandwagon when it’s at its peak. Jump off too soon and you’re just a hater who gets proved wrong. Jump on too late and you’re a frontrunner or mush. Right now, the Eagles’ bandwagon is a runaway freight train that can’t be slowed down by anything, most of all realistic expectations. Luckily for me, though, I was never on the Eagles’ bandwagon, so predicting their demise is pretty easy for me. I don’t like road favorites going to Seattle at night. I know the Seahawks stink and everyone’s hurt, but doesn’t this just kind of feel like the week it all starts to unravel a little bit for the Eagles? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a hater who’s going to be proved wrong, but I doubt it.

Pick: Seahawks +6

Pittsburgh Steelers (-6) at Cincinnati Bengals

The Steelers are to the Bengals what the Patriots are to the Steelers. In other words, the Bengals have a 0.0% chance of winning this game.

Pick: Steelers -6

Bonus College Picks

  • Memphis at UCF -7
  • TCU +7.5 vs. Oklahoma
  • Georgia vs Auburn -3
  • Ohio State vs Wisconsin +6
  • Miami -10 vs Clemson

Is Carmelo Anthony the Biggest Poison in the NBA?

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The Thunder stink. Everyone knows it, and anyone that watches them can only come away frustrated with their stagnant offense and waste of talent. They’re in the bottom third in the league in assists, field goal percentage, 3 point percentage, free throw percentage, and, to top it all off, lead the league in technicals. How is this happening? This team was supposed to challenge the Warriors, right? They added Paul George and #me7o. They already had the totally deserved, super legitimate MVP on the roster. They dumped a couple bums that weren’t contributing at all. How are they bad?

Is it because of Paul George? Probably not. He seems to be the only member of the Big 3 comfortable in his new role, and is at least shooting well from 3, something no OKC player has been able to say since Durant left. He seems to be a decent locker room guy (although he did break up the Pacers by sleeping with Roy Hibbert’s fiancee. People don’t forget, Paul) who people respect. I think we can pass the buck.

Is it because of Carmelo Anthony? In a word, yes. But not 100%. I’d say he’s at least 50% of the reason this year’s Thunder are terrible. He’s at least 50% of the reason why all of his teams are terrible. Absolutely no one knows how to take a dump in the Kool Aid faster than Melo. It’s really amazing how he can ruin any situation. Sure, prime Melo is one of the best pure scorers ever, but his true talent is his ability to sour locker rooms. The Knicks are somehow a fun team this year, and the only difference between this season and last season is Melo (and D-Rose, who is now contemplating retirement). The fact that he still carries himself as a true superstar (and the fact that anyone out there actually believes him) in 2017 is mind-numbing to me. He’s a worse version of Andrew Wiggins at this point, and the internet will gladly tell you Wiggins stinks. The NBA today is all about ball movement, player movement, creating space, and open shots. Guess how many of those boxes getting the ball at the elbow, jab stepping five or six times, dribbling the air out of the ball, and taking a contested 12-footer check off. If you answered zero, you’d be correct! The Thunder pass less than any other team (to be fair, they pretty much always do), and Melo’s iso fetish is a huge part of it. If he doesn’t have the ball, he’s pretty much just a statue, and asking him to move the ball is like trying to heard cats. Because of him, Westbrook isn’t even averaging 10 assists. Do you know how hard that is? No one has ever chased stats harder than Westbrook, and even he can get double digit assists passing to Melo. If he just embraced being a complimentary player and realized that no, you’re not, and never have been, better than Russell Westbrook, he could be a seriously good wingman. Everyone fantasized about Olympics Melo when he was traded to OKC, where he did this arcane, possibly mythical action known as the catch and shoot (I read about it in an ancient spellbook one time, so who can say if anyone ever actually accomplished it or not) and dominated. Just accept that you’re not that guy anymore, Melo. It’s less work and your scoring will probably go up. There’s no downside. Plus, people might, might, stop making fun of you for never leading your teams to anything. Who wouldn’t want that? Unless he’s just seriously self-loathing, which I can respect.

Of course, I did say Melo wasn’t entirely to blame. There’s this other guy on the team that ruins team chemistry and is averse to efficient offense. I’m speaking of course about Alex Abrines. Guy stinks! But they also have the biggest ballhog in the league in Russell Westbrook. I hate to be the guy who says I told you so (just kidding), but yeah, I told you so. In the wake of Kevin Durant’s departure, the Thunder decided that, instead of getting better or worse, they would just let Westbrook go on a giant revenge tour and instruct everyone on the roster that getting him triple doubles was all that mattered. And now they’re stuck with the results. Remember Steven Adams? After the 2015 Western Conference Finals, he looked like he could be a DeAndre Jordan type All Star. I haven’t heard his name since. I was really bummed out when Domantas Sabonis, who I loved in college, was a bust in the NBA. Welllllll, funny how he’s been really good this season on a supposedly barren Indiana team. Victor Oladipo was mocked mercilessly for sucking on OKC. He was left for dead. And now, away from the league MVP, the person who, above all else, was supposed to make everyone around him better, he’s finally putting it all together and capitalizing on his immense talent. So you’re telling me people get better when the leave the Thunder and get worse when they join? Hmmmm. Color me shocked that no one actually enjoys playing with a point guard with a 41% usage rate. Once you tell Westbrook to go full Westbrook, you can’t really expect him to dial it down now that he’s got shiny new teammates. Nothing can stop him from showing the world that he’s better than Durant. And his hero ball routine isn’t even working this year. Outside his rookie year, he’s never shot worse from the field. If he didn’t have the second highest turnover total of all time last year, his 4.7 TOs per game would be rightly seen as horrifying. He’s mysteriously shooting his worst percentage ever from the foul line. He still stinks from 3. He’s just a grossly inefficient player on a grossly inefficient team. It doesn’t help that Billy Donovan is just a patsy that lets Westbrook walk all over him rather than actually draw up real plays. On the surface it seems like the Thunder’s issues are easily fixed: just move around a little more and get more people involved. But when your team is built around Russell Westbrook and Carmelo Anthony, that’s a lot easier said than done.

The 3DS Pokemon Games Are So Easy They’re Hard

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So usually after I post a video game review, I just kind of leave it at that. I know no one else really cares as much as me and there’s not a huge demand for my in-depth thoughts on the complexities of Nioh’s combat system. But Pokemon is different, and, as I wrap up my Ultra Moon experience, I had to talk about one of the more unique challenges I’ve had in gaming recently: if you’re good at the game, the new Pokemon games are so easy it makes it harder.

First off, yes, I know these are supposed to be children’s games and I shouldn’t take them so seriously. Well if they weren’t meant to be taken so seriously, they wouldn’t have such an intricate metagame. But yeah, they’re kids’ games that adults like me still hold on to. Even still, the 3DS games are quite easy. And what I mean by easy is that there’s so many more ways to level Pokemon up faster than ever. You get EXP from catching Pokemon. EXP Share gives EXP to the whole party and you get it really early in the game. If you use Pokemon Refresh (or Pokemon Amie in X and Y), the more hearts your Pokemon has, the bigger boost in EXP you get. Then add in the fact that Super Training, a system of maxing out a Pokemon’s stats introduced in X and Y as a series of mini games, is now even easier (you don’t even have to do anything. You just put the desired Pokemon in the right section of the new Poke Pelago and wait until the training is done) (They totally stole the Poke Pelago idea from Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth) (Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth is the most influential Japanese game of the last five years don’t @ me), and you’ve got an easy recipe for an overpowered team.

You probably think this is a lot of crying over nothing. “What’s so bad about having a powerful team? Just turn off EXP Share and don’t use the optional training aids.” I mean, yeah, I wound up turning EXP Share off for a while, but I’m like a dog with a treat on its nose. If you offer me a way to soup up my team, I’m going to take it without thinking twice. I can’t control myself. My brain won’t allow me to pass up any possible advantage. And literally the only reason any of this is a problem is that, for the first time, I actually felt the pressure of the level restrictions placed on you as you progress through the game. In the traditional 8 gym storyline of past games, every couple badges you earn unlocks the ability to control higher level Pokemon. In Sun and Moon and the sequels, there are only four such increases, and each one only bumps you up 15 levels, despite the fact that it’s easier to gain more than 15 levels than not as you progress through each island. For example, after you beat the third island you’re able to control Pokemon up to level 65. Well, in between beating the third island and beating the fourth, you have to do two separate events that are important to the story, one of which forces you to face about a million trainers. I spent the entire time actively trying not to level up my team. Then on the fourth island, I spent the entire time actively trying not to level up my team. When I beat the fourth island, three of my six Pokemon wound up being over level 65 and unusable. Yes, I easily could have remedied that by swapping them out for lower leveled Pokemon from the PC, thus adding more depth to my lineup, but who has time for that? Not me, apparently.

Listen, in the grand scheme of things, this is a pretty small complaint. The more I think about it, I actually don’t think it’s a complaint at all. I kind of enjoyed managing the levels of my Pokemon, because it was a different challenge and different experience than the typical Pokemon formula everyone is so accustomed to. Ultra Sun and Moon are still great. Sun and Moon are still great. I understand they were supposed to introduce a new generation of fans to the game, so more forgiving gameplay certainly makes sense. But maybe hold off on some of these advantages until the postgame next time? I don’t know. That’s why I don’t work at Game Freak, I guess.

The Greatest YouTube Video of All Time

Hope everyone had a good holiday weekend. I know I did. Ate tons of food, which is pretty much all I care about. Only thing is, I got so carried away chasing Black Friday deals I somehow wound up in the middle of Nebraska. Not good! I had to hitchhike my way back, and, along the way, I spent a lot of time on YouTube. And whenever I say I’m spending a lot of time on YouTube, I mostly mean I’m watching this video on a loop.

Easily the greatest video I’ve ever seen. Celine Dion, who I openly stan for, and *NSYNC, a titan of late 90s/early 00s pop, performing “That’s the Way It Is,” maybe a top ten song ever written and the unquestioned GOAT Grocery Store Pop song (grocery store soundtracks always feature 80s, 90s, and early 00s soft/contemporary pop). It’s just a combination of everything good in this world. This video has 34,000 views, and at least 17,000 of those are from me. It’s time more people joined the party. Every second of this video is amazing, so I figured I’d just break down everything you need to know about the Greatest YouTube Video Ever Made.

0:02- I honestly have no idea what the context for this performance is. I’m assuming it’s some kind of awards show? Maybe the Grammy’s? The CBS logo is there, so it was on TV. I think I’d be happier not knowing where this takes place. Keeps the intrigue going.

0:12- Fatone. Look at this hair. Look at this leather suit. This was how pop stars looked in the late 90s, and everyone was okay with it.

0:15- Love this keyboardist. You can feel his passion.

0:17- Celine might be the worst dancer of all time, but I respect her willingness to experiment. You can see the gears turning in her head every time she tries out a new move, and she almost always realizes it wasn’t good.

0:26- I say almost always because she just discovered this point. Remember it, because it’ll come back later.

0:39- Lance Bass might secretly have a top 5 life ever. Guy has no musical talent whatsoever but somehow became the second most well-known member of the second most important pop group of the 21st century, then added in a few TV show appearances for good measure. Legend.

0:57- How do you get this gig? Like how do you become the drummer for a Celine Dion/*NSYNC mashup? Does it pay well? Did he brag to his friends and family about landing this? Need to know more about this guy.

0:59- I’m almost certain she’s lip syncing the whole time, but who cares? Celine Dion earned the right to lip sync a long time ago.

1:00- I need this leather suit. Someone put me in touch with Fatone so I can get it from him.

1:04- The camera loves Bass and Fatone. I, for one, am not surprised.

1:09- “I can’t wait to fire my agent.”

1:13- What is this outfit? A white trench coat? No wonder Chris is the forgotten member.

1:16- Point counter: 2

1:18- I feel bad for JC. He had some serious pipes, but had the personality of a cardboard box. *NSYNC should have had two post-*NSYNC stars, but JC got left behind. Sad!

1:30- Name a more iconic duo. I’ll wait.

1:38- This is her sweet spot. Standing in place and raising her arms. Not sure anyone has ever had better ballad posture.

1:57- The people’s drummer showing his versatility.

2:01- How do they let Timberlake go out there with such an ill-fitting coat? Who was in charge of wardrobe for this thing?

2:02- Is this drummer secretly the sixth member of *NSYNC? He’s soaking up screen time.

2:10- Point counter: 3

2:12- JC reminds me of the captain of the Titanic. He knows his career is a sinking ship when Timberlake leaves, but he’s still giving his all because that’s the only thing he knows how to do. A true professional.

2:14- We need to start keeping track of everyone that’s getting more screen time than Chris. Right now the drummer and keyboardist both have significantly more.

2:16- Maybe the most electrifying dance moves I’ve ever seen in my life.

2:25- If you look closely you can see the seeds of the breakup being planted in Timberlake’s mind.

2:27- This touch was not in the dress rehearsal.

2:37- Can’t stop looking at JT’s neck. It’s like a turtle who doesn’t know whether to go back in its shell or not.

2:47- Timberlake is swimming in that coat. Did they not have tailors available? Also, this is why I assume it’s the Grammy’s or something in winter, because there’s no other reason to wear a coat like this in a climate controlled environment.

2:51- Timberlake should have taken Joey with him when he went solo, because he’s honestly got more stage presence than everyone else combined.

2:57- The real reasons behind *NSYNC’s success.

3:05- So the drummer, keyboardist, and now backup singers all have more screen time than Chris. Is that pre-Idol Ruben Studdard?

3:11- Can’t imagine what it’s like being in the presence of a Celine Dion power note.

3:16- I actually think there’s two drummers. Both have more screen time than Chris.

3:23- At this point, Chris has to fight somebody or go off script or something to get back on camera. It’s about pride, now.

3:25- Point counter: 4

3:33- Never seen a bigger pity wide shot to get Chris back on screen.

3:34- Celine sure is comfortable around Lance. I wonder why?

3:37- Point counter: 6 (this high difficulty point counts as 2)

3:48- You know she was thinking about this wink the whole time, and it didn’t disappoint.

3:53- Final point counter: 7

4:00- gecko hawaii. Never seen this logo before or since. But somehow they got ahold of this footage, so I’m always in their debt.

Sadly, the video ends after that. Well, it ends assuming you don’t have it set on repeat, which would be a pretty curious decision to say the least. I’m sorry if I got you addicted, but I just wanted to share my affliction. I will never get tired of this video, and I thank the Internet Gods every day for delivering it to my doorstep.

What I’m Thankful For

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Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. There’s a certain hierarchy to holidays here in America, and Thanksgiving is at the top of the pyramid. If Thanksgiving isn’t in your personal top 3 holidays, you should have your citizenship revoked. Now, I’m more of a Christmas guy, myself (being born in January in Vermont during a snowstorm, winter is in my blood), but I’m a vocal defender of Autumn and respect everything Thanksgiving represents: the food, the historical ties to the founding of America, the food, explaining to my family that I’m still single and stuck at a dead-end job, the food, the football, and, of course, the food. Thanksgiving is a time to sit back and reflect on life and be grateful for what you have, so I figured I’d give all of you a seat at the Brian’s Den Thanksgiving table and share what I’m thankful for this year.

  • I’m thankful for turkey. Somehow the most overlooked part of Thanksgiving dinner. The meal doesn’t work without turkey, so put some respeck on its name.
  • I’m thankful I’ve never been present, and never will be present, at a Thanksgiving dinner that serves ham as the main course.
  • I’m thankful for stuffing, the most time-sensitive food ever invented. Would you even know what stuffing was if someone put it in front of you in July? I’m not sure I’d recognize it as actual food. My brain just isn’t conditioned to think about stuffing for 10 months out of the year. Also, stuffing is for Thanksgiving. I know people eat it on Christmas, but don’t.
  • I’m thankful for pie. Don’t think that needs much explanation.
  • I’m thankful for power rankings. For example, my top five Thanksgiving foods is 1. turkey 2. mashed potatoes 3. apple pie 4. stuffing 5. everything else
  • I’m thankful for the NFL, which is probably the worst thing currently in my life. As a spoiled Patriots fan, I literally only get anything resembling joy one day a year, and even then it’s more of a perverse satisfaction at how unhappy everyone else is. Every accomplishment by other teams is just trivial nonsense that I can easily mock because I already know how the season is going to end. I can’t imagine being a fan of another team and getting excited or emotionally invested in anything that happens during the regular season because not even I’m that self-loathing. Most NFL games aren’t even fun to watch because everyone besides the Pats is arguably the worst pro football team ever put together. Still, I would give my life for Tom Brady and would die before I willingly miss a second of NFL action. Thank you for providing a needed distraction and a way to fill my “conversations with family members” quota for the day (while we’re at it, my picks this week: MIN -3, LAC -2, WAS -7.5, KC -10, NE -17, PHI -14, TEN -3.5, NYJ +5, ATL -10 (I know I said I’d never pick the Falcons when they’re favorites again but the Bucs are just terrible), CIN -8, SF +7.5, NO +2.5, DEN +5, JAC -5, PIT -14, HOU +7).
  • I’m thankful for Squanto, whose foolish decision to become liaison to the white man and teach us Thanksgiving allowed us to easily take all of their land. Good looks.
  • I’m still very thankful for John Wick 2.
  • I’m thankful that there’s less than a month until The Last Jedi.
  • I’m thankful for this Donald Trump-LaVar Ball feud, until I get sick of it in like a week.
  • I’m thankful for the NBA, or rather, what’s left of it after the Celtics laid waste to everyone who opposed them.
  • I’m thankful for board games, the GOAT after dinner activity.
  • I’m thankful when other people do the dishes.
  • I’m thankful for Thanksgiving decorations. I’m a big leaves guy.
  • I’m thankful that it’s almost December so I can listen to Christmas music without catching shade for jumping the gun.
  • I’m thankful that they keep making Pokemon games.
  • I’m thankful that Santa’s going to get me a Nintendo Switch.
  • I’m thankful for Taco Bell and Chick-fil-a.
  • I’m thankful all the damage the salt they put on the icy roads is about to do to my car.
  • I’m thankful for local TV commercials.
  • I’m thankful for beer, which becomes socially acceptable to drink all day on Thanksgiving.
  • I’m thankful for calories, which I will eat an ungodly amount of for the next month.
  • I’m thankful for Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Just a good store.
  • I’m also thankful for Bath & Body Works.
  • I’m thankful for the Chinese film Dragon Blade, which may be the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life.
  • I’m thankful for YouTube and most things on it.
  • I’m thankful silk is back (if it ever left).
  • I’m thankful I have a full head of hair. Thoughts and prayers to everyone that doesn’t.
  • I’m thankful for flannel, great for winter and looks twice as good when you pair it with other patterned clothes.
  • I’m thankful for the times the Patriots play in primetime so I can watch Red Zone all day on Sunday.
  • I’m thankful that, since I don’t live with my parents anymore, I never have to go to the doctor or dentist ever again.
  • I’m thankful for grocery store soundtracks.
  • I’m thankful for animals. Even bugs.
  • I’m thankful that I don’t have any elite skills that I can use to achieve fame and riches, because then there would be too much pressure to perform.
  • I’m very thankful for Gal Gadot, but wish her character hadn’t been (spoiler alert) killed in Fast & Furious 6.
  • I’m thankful I live in America, one of about 20 countries suitable for human life.
  • I’m thankful for The Witcher 3 and Persona 5, two games which I think about almost daily.
  • I’m thankful that it’s Christmas season on TV, because Thanksgiving specials are almost all bad.
  • I’m thankful for Dunkin’ Donuts’ holiday flavored donuts, which are under-the-radar but excellent.
  • I’m thankful it’s time to transition from the admittedly appealing golden, earthy Autumn hues into the sharp Winter color palette, which suits my fair complexion much better.
  • I’m thankful for people who say hello first, because god knows I never will.
  • I’m thankful for the few remaining days of Net Neutrality we have left.
  • I’m thankful for filling up on appetizers, having less of an appetite for dinner, acting like I’m on a diet, then housing leftovers after everyone has gone to bed.
  • I’m thankful for my friends and family, who don’t get upset when I give a powerful take.
  • Lastly, I’m thankful for you, my dozen(s?) of loyal readers. Sometimes, you make it all worth it.

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