Author: Brian

The Burning Questions Mailbag, pt. 2

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It’s been a little while, but we’re back with some more Burning Questions, straight from the People. The Burning Questions Mailbag was starting to get some serious buildup, so I had to give it some release. Plus, what better way to celebrate Memorial Day than answering other people’s important quandaries? Considering how heavily these Questions have been weighing on my readers’ minds, solving their problems kind of puts me in the same class of hero as the brave men and women we’re remembering today, right? I’ll keep telling myself that, at least. As with last time, we have to start with a question from the most important member of the #BurningQuestions community, myself.

Brian asks: Why do some people put toothpaste on their toothbrush before running it under water?

There are of a lot of great mysteries out there. Who was Jack the Ripper? What is the Meaning of Life? What happened to Jimmy Hoffa? What’s up with the Bermuda Triangle? Even the Mysteries of the Rosary. But for my money, absolutely nothing beats this. Why the hell do people put toothpaste on first? The order is wet toothbrush, put on toothpaste, brush teeth, wash toothbrush. It’s not exactly rocket surgery. There’s four steps and people somehow still mess it up. You don’t put milk in the bowl before the cereal, you don’t put socks on before underwear, and you don’t put toothpaste on before running it under water. Not to take a shot at the fine parents across this great nation, but if you allow your kids to do this, you’ve failed to produce a contributing member of society.

pestooneverything asks: Does Sean Paul make songs better or worse?

I don’t know, you tell me:

Infinitely better. Next.

xboxguy asks: As the streaming industry takes off (this year there will be more time spent watching games than playing them) and services like Mixer offer a more interactive viewing experience (crowd can vote on key decisions and impact the gameplay), will we see a shift in the way games are designed?

Well, I didn’t really expect to get into a discussion about the fate of the video game industry, but here we are. This may get a little nerdy, so bare with me. As far as Mixer is concerned, while it is assuredly the most advanced and efficient version of this type of populist streaming, it’s not the first time we’ve seen it. Consider the tale of Lord Helix, the central deity from Twitch Plays Pokemon, a bizarre experiment that asked the question “what if every decision in a Pokemon game, down to the direction the main character walked, was made by an internet comment section in real time?” Needless to say, they made a complete mockery of the game. But, by introducing complete chaos into the relatively straightforward story, an entirely unique experience was created. It was so popular, they did it more than 10 more times. Now, Pokemon games are handheld games with simple mechanics and rudimentary decision-making. It’s relatively easy to subjugate them to the whims of the masses. If things like Mixer can effectively bring a similar experience to current-gen console games, then it’s almost guaranteed to change the way games are developed. Considering the popularity of streaming (I’m not really a streaming guy, but, for some games, I understand the benefits of watching someone else play. Now, if you’re going to sit there and watch someone else play, and then make all the key decisions and impact the gameplay? Just play the game yourself), games who focus on streaming will undoubtedly add features to encourage audience participation. I suspect, soon enough, almost every game will introduce some kind of peanut-gallery-friendly mechanics. The gaming industry has never been one to stand in the way of progress, and I fully expect this to be a massive hit.

BlacktopLebron asks: Couple NBA questions- is the lottery rigged, and who are your top ten NBA players right now, based purely on talent (not age, contract, success, etc.)

Rigged? The NBA Draft Lottery? It can’t be. Not the same lottery the Celtics just won by pure chance and of their own merits? Never! (But, in all seriousness, yes, of course it’s rigged. You think the Lakers kept their top-3 protected pick by chance? You think the still-NBA-owned New Orleans Hornets won the lottery because of luck? Or that the Cavs won a million straight lotteries despite having astronomical odds after LeBron left town? Or the Bulls somehow winning the Derrick Rose lottery? Please. Russian elections think the NBA Draft Lottery has a dubious history)

As for my top ten, it looks something like this:

  1. LeBron James
  2. Kevin Durant
  3. Kawhi Leonard
  4. Russell Westbrook
  5. Anthony Davis
  6. Steph Curry
  7. James Harden
  8. Giannis Antetokounmpo
  9. John Wall
  10. Karl-Anthony Towns

JoeyGSp0t asks: What’s the most degrading thing you’d do for money? Would you ever do porn?

Well, I’m flattered that you would consider asking if I’d ever do porn. Truth be told, though, I’d do pretty much anything for money. Now, if I did ever delve into the adult entertainment world, I’d probably have to create an entirely new life for myself, because you can’t be a part of the regular world and the porn world at the same time. I’d need new friends, new family, most likely a new identity (besides my stage name Rodrigo Waters, obviously). I might even need to fake my own death. That’s a lot of work. Too much work, you might say. So, I probably won’t do porn, mostly because of the inconvenience it would cause me. Not the shame. I abandoned all shame long ago.

WhiteKong asks: What’s the best specialty sandwich?

Excellent question as always, WhiteKong. Not many things in this world better than a good sandwich. I’m assuming by specialty sandwich, you mean anything more complex than a basic deli meat sandwich. Don’t get me wrong, good deli meat is excellent. But sometimes, your body needs a something more than just turkey and condiments. Now, to avoid the more annoying, trapped-in-2015 sections of the internet mob, I’m drawing some guidelines here: this only counts regular sandwiches. Meat between two or more separate pieces of bread. Anything served in a hot dog bun doesn’t count. Also, no specific fast food items, either. Only things you can either make at home or get at any good sandwich place, not one specific restaurant.

Top Five Sandwiches

  1. Cuban
  2. PB & J
  3. Cheeseburger
  4. Bacon (or sausage), egg, and cheese
  5. French Dip

XtothaG asks: Will Andre 3000 ever come out with a solo album?

If I knew the answer to that, I’d be doing something better with my life than writing this blog.

dpower asks: What’s the best pickup line on Tinder?

Easy. “Hey, do you read briansden69.com? Wow, me too.” Hope you’re ready for what comes your way.

KingRichard1911 asks: What would be the best period of history to live in?

I assume you mean besides “right now.” Quality of life in anything before 1950 is going to be pretty lousy, so I’ve got to pick a time where my modern-day knowledge would make me a king, but where it’s not so much greater than what the people have that I’m considered a witch. And, in the likely event that I’m killed, I’d prefer it to be something quick like a gun, not a dull bone knife. That’s a pretty small window. I’m thinking anywhere from the late 1600s through the 1700s or so would be good for me. If I went back there with a set of modern maps, I could easily become the greatest pirate ever. All I’d have to do is not get caught. Avoiding the law in any time before the Civil Rights Movement should have been the easiest thing ever, so I’m good there. Or, since I’d be the biggest, strongest, and smartest person there, maybe I could lead the Continental Army against the British. I’d be the first president, not George Washington. And, since I lack his honor and foresight, I’d just stay president until I die, creating the exact same system of government that I just spent many years fighting to avoid. Or I could just be a taller, smarter Napoleon who doesn’t do stupid shit like invade Russia or get into pointless wars with Spain. Really, the possibilities are endless for anyone who just isn’t an idiot. That’s the only pre-requisite for world domination.

WhiteKong also asks: What’s the most overrated food?

Last time I discovered that cantaloupe was the most underrated fruit, so I guess it’ll now become tradition to debate which foods are properly rated. Not that I’m complaining, or anything. My food takes are rock solid, so it’s an honor that many people come to me looking for guidance. Now, there are tons of overrated foods. Off the top of my head there’s things like Taylor Ham, Sriracha, quinoa, kale, wasabi, the list goes on. But, I keep coming back to avocado, but I actually don’t think it’s the true answer. Let’s get it out of the way, though: avocados suck. I know I have to renounce my status as a millennial for saying it, but someone has to. I’m sick of being held hostage by this stupid fruit. Avocados don’t taste good. They don’t even really have a taste. They’re just mush. Hey, Chipotle, I’ll keep my $20 for a small cup of guacamole, thank you, because guacamole stinks. But, as I said, avocados aren’t the most overrated food. You know what is? The term superfood. It’s the entire reason avocados became popular in the first place. They’re the original superfood. People are completely obsessed with the concept of superfood. What, do you think an avocado is going to do your taxes or something? Rescue your cat from a tree? What happened to something just being healthy? Now it’s got to be a superfood. And they’re all so in-your-face, too. People trying to get my to eat açai berries or something. Please. And everything’s a superfood, now, too. “Blueberries found to be newest superfood.” Just because it tastes good and is healthy doesn’t mean it has to be called a superfood. Pretty much everything outside Chili Cheese Fritos is a superfood these days. Literally every fruit. Pretty much every nut. Most fish. People saying wine is a superfood. If everything is a superfood, how can anything be a superfood? It’s so stupid. Avocados are healthy. That’s good to know. Calling it a superfood doesn’t make me want to eat it. It doesn’t make me want avocado-flavored stuff. It doesn’t make me want avocado-themed clothing. It doesn’t make me want to name my first ten children Avocado. It’s like the insufferable bacon craze that finally died down. There’s always the It food that everyone thinks everyone else loves and wants to jam it down the public’s throat 24/7. And right now, it’s Superfood.

DeerHit45 asks: As medical sciences continue to push towards reversing the effects of aging, humans are quickly becoming immortal. Will this make life lose all meaning?

Had to end with a feel-good question. I mean, yeah, if everyone was immortal I don’t think everyone would care about anything anymore. What would be the point? The skydiving industry would love it. Casinos would be thrilled. Amusement parks would be on the rise. People would just spend their infinite lives searching for thrills, for anything that made them feel alive. Or feel anything at all. There wouldn’t be some great progress or new utopian society. That’s just not how humans are wired. If our lives had no end, all meaning would be sapped from it. Why should I ever go to work? Why should I leave the house? Whatever it is I was going to do, I can do it tomorrow. After all, I have all the tomorrows in the world. If you think humans are lazy now, just wait until we’re immortal.

Stanley Cup Finals Preview

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Finally, the matchup everyone wanted to see. Pittsburgh. Nashville. The most devoted, historic, and traditional hockey city in the world against everyone’s favorite player Sidney Crosby. This is what everyone was expecting at the beginning of the year, so it’s good to see the two best teams in the league all season matching up for a chance at immortality. Many people were wondering why I didn’t do a Conference Finals preview. Honestly, once the Bruins and Caps lost, my interest level went down the drain. Like, I get it, Nashville does some wacky stuff in the stands and they want everyone to look at them and tell them how special they are. But I don’t care about them whatsoever. And the Penguins are just kind of there. As I’ve established before, I’m not a Hockey Guy. I’m not deep enough in the game to go on long rants about how big of a pussy Crosby is or how much I hate the Penguins 4th line center. And when I’ve got to deal with the constant existential crisis of being a Celtics fan who thinks trading amazing picks for bad players isn’t a good idea (which somehow puts me in the minority), and I just didn’t have the energy to keep up. But now I’m back, and the Hockey Gods should be thanking me for doing my best to sell this weird Final (at least the Senators didn’t make it).

I’ll keep this short and sweet, because you don’t come here for in-depth hockey analysis, you come here for takes fired from the hip. And this is pretty simple: teams don’t repeat in the NHL. They just don’t. If this were the NFL, NBA, or even MLB, you could easily say there’s no chance a team like the Nashville Predators could beat a team like the Pittsburgh Penguins in the Finals. But hockey’s different. Unless you’re the Caps or maybe the Blues, hockey teams don’t really have loser DNA. Random-ass teams win the Cup all the time. Everyone just kind of forgets about it right away and moves on. The NHL has somehow turned the NFL’s greatest wet dream into reality and created true parity. I’m pretty sure the league would rather rig the Finals than have the Penguins go back-to-back. They’re going to have snipers set up in some of the luxury boxes ready to take out Crosby or Malkin if need be. Gary Bettman has the entire families of each referee scheduled to work these games held at gunpoint in some undisclosed warehouse to ensure total cooperation. The zamboni drivers have probably been instructed to leave the ice a little choppy to slow the Penguins down. For the Penguins, this series is going to be like one of those annoying bosses video games sometimes make you face even though you literally aren’t allowed to win. No one is allowed to repeat in the NHL. It would ruin the entire league’s identity. Its self-worth would be burned to the ground in front of its eyes. The only things that would prevent a mass suicide of Online Hockey Guys after a Penguins Cup would be the classiness of the Postgame Handshake Line. The very fabric of the universe might be undone if someone repeated in the NHL. Then they’d just be like that damn NBA, full of Super Teams and non-competitive games. If you already knew who was going to win, why play the games, right? It’s not like hockey produced arguably the most famous and foundational upsets in American history or anything. Having a team everyone chases would be a death knell to hockey as we know it. The Penguins can’t be allowed to win. And Nashville’s defense will stifle the Penguins attack.

Prediction: Predators in 6

Unpopular Opinion Alert: I like Crab more than Lobster

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Everyone who has spent more than five minutes on the Internet has given their fair share of takes. Lord knows I’ve had many takes myself. Some better than others, some more controversial than others. But every so often, you know you have a take that is cut from a different cloth. A take so explosive, so provocative, that it threatens the very foundation of rational thought. And I’ve one brewing for years now. But now, on the doorstep of Seafood SZN and Eating Outside SZN, I figured now would be the best time to break it out. I like crab better than lobster.

“How can that be?” you ask, unsure of the mental state of the man you’re speaking to. “Lobster is Lobster. It’s the greatest.” It’s true. I cannot deny the fact that lobster is, in fact, lobster. And lobster is great. It’s delicious and a delicacy. A true Gold Standard for Nouveau Riche eating. But, at the end of the day, lobster is just lobster. Crab, on the other hand, has so many options. There’s Blue Crab, Stone Crab, Rock Crab, Dungeness Crab, Alaskan King Crab, Snow Crab, Red Crab, the list goes on and on. There’s crab legs, crab claws, crab cakes, you can even get fried crab. Lobster is just lobster. Now, I can’t hate on lobster rolls (the buttery kind, not the cold, mayo-y kind) (another take that I feel like is slightly controversial: I absolutely hate mayonnaise. I think it’s the most disgusting thing ever. I throw up in my mouth a little bit every time I see someone pour globs and globs of mayo onto a poor, unsuspecting sandwich. Yes, I know mayo is a key ingredient in many foods I love, chiefly the Big Mac, but straight mayo is horrifying. There’s a difference between being someone who uses/likes mayo and a Mayo Guy. If you’re a Mayo Guy, you repulse me. I look down on you, and I hope you feel bad about your life). Lobster rolls are one of the G.O.A.T. sandwiches and, along with clam chowder, a staple of New England summer cuisine (here’s yet another mini-take, but this is pretty straightforward and (hopefully) obvious: Manhattan clam chowder is complete trash. I know I said organic Doritos are the worst food ever, but that was just hyperbole. Manhattan clam chowder is, always has been, and always will be the worst food ever invented. I think I’ve gotten into more fights with one of my friends about this than anything else, mostly because I can’t wrap my mind around how he could think it actually tastes good). But crab just has so many more possibilities and different flavors. There’s really only one kind of lobster, and it’s rich and buttery. Crab can be sweet. It can be fishy. It can be meaty and succulent. It can taste just like lobster or like an entirely different class of food. It’s versatility makes it superior. And crab boils? Oh, man, simply to die for.

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Simply put, crab is just better. It’s better on it’s own and it’s better when it’s a role player in a larger recipe. Yeah, lobster is flashier and more expensive (besides the ludicrous prices on stone crab claws), but it lacks substance. Actually, check that, lobster has too much substance. I like my seafood light. I like feeling fresh after I taste from Poseidon’s bounty. When you eat lobster it’s like you just ate a big, fat steak and you have a brick in your stomach. Crab is the opposite. I mean, sure, if you pound a million crab cakes your going to feel like shit, but, on the whole, crab is lighter, it’s sweeter, and it’s just flat out tastier. Sorry I can think for myself.

While I’ve still got the hot hand, might as well rattle off some rapid fire seafood power rankings. I’m a big time seafood guy and am always up for a little surf minus turf dinner. In my mind, seafood has two categories: fish and shellfish. I love both, but if I had to only be able to have one for the rest of my life I’d probably take shellfish.

Top Five Ways to Prepare Fish:

  1. Sushi- give me the simple, slice of fish over a ball of rice style, though. Don’t need giant slices of avocado and an entire carton of cream cheese involved
  2. Seared
  3. Grilled
  4. Fried
  5. Baked

Top Five Ways to Prepare Shellfish:

  1. Fried
  2. Steamed
  3. Boiled
  4. That’s kind of it. I don’t have the guts to do raw shellfish

Top Five Fish:

  1. Tuna- not that gross canned crap, either. Real tuna is the GOAT fish and possibly the GOAT meat. Unquestionably makes the best sushi, too
  2. Swordfish
  3. Eel- eel sushi is very underrated
  4. Salmon- I’m not a huge salmon guy, but not including it in the top five would just be ignorance
  5. Calamari- many people will be wondering how squid counts as fish, despite the fact that it’s still a mollusk. Well, they don’t have a shell. So, there

Top Five Shellfish:

  1. Crab- I can’t spend all that time talking up crab and then not put it number one
  2. Scallop
  3. Clam
  4. Lobster
  5. Shrimp

Top Five Coolest Fish (Not eating, just in general):

  1. Seahorse
  2. Hammerhead Shark
  3. Manta Ray
  4. Sunfish
  5. Whale Shark

The Celtics are Finally Dead

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Well, that was close. I almost, almost, starting getting my hopes up. Celtics lead by 10 at the half in last night’s game 4, after winning game 3, without Isaiah Thomas. The Cavs looked like the shitty team that they were all season. They didn’t care on d. The offense was just “give it to LeBron or Kyrie and get out of the way.” Celtics were playing lockdown defense, the ball was zipping around, and they were actually making open 3s. But, the universe soon corrected itself and the Cavs won going away. Kyrie took over, proving that, despite what people may tell you, it’s possible for a team to have more than one good player. In fact, that usually what makes the good teams good. Honestly, it’s better this way. About two minutes into the second half, I could already see the end result coming, so I knew better than to start dreaming of a possible sweep of the Warriors. This series couldn’t be going better from my perspective. They got dominated so badly the first few games that it showed they weren’t just one guy away. They somehow didn’t get swept, saving some pride, but also didn’t get me too invested in their actual chances of winning the series. Now just get through game 5 without Al Horford, Jaylen Brown, Avery Bradley, or Brad Stevens suffering a life threatening injury and we’re all good. Draft Fultz and look forward to 2020. But man, what happened in game 3? Supposedly LeBron was fighting an “illness” so he sucked, but I don’t buy that for a second. Unless, of course, the “illness” is just the standard aftermath of what happens when you spend a late night out with J.R. Smith. Had the Cavs swept, there would have been nine days or something between last night and the start of the Finals. Why can’t they just move it up? Well, it’s hard to say. Maybe David Stern the league made it worth the Cavs while to drag this series out as long as possible so that all the talk about how bad and one sided these playoffs have been is quieted a little bit and to minimize the dead period. Maybe they said they’ll be even more lax on LeBron’s drug test results how frequently they sit their players next year. Maybe they told them they’ll get even more calls in the Finals than they usually do. Maybe they just told LeBron that they’ll ensure he doesn’t have to hang out with Kevin Love for a while. Either way, I’m keeping my eyes open on this. I’m officially calling the validity of game 3 into question, regardless of the fact that it benefitted me.

Of course, all of this has presented quite the dilemma: what to do with Isaiah Thomas. Next season he’s still the best bargain in the league, only making $6 million. The year after? Whooooo, baby, is he going to get a lot of money. Will it be from the Celtics? Honestly, I don’t know if I’d want to commit to him long term. Listen, he’s proved me wrong a million times on the offensive end. He can score on anyone and everyone, no matter what. And, obviously, he’s tough as nails, physically and mentally. But, he really is horrible on defense. Like, really really bad. And the way this team is currently constructed, does it really benefit them to give max money to someone who can’t play d? Last night was a perfect snapshot of what the Celtics without Isaiah look like: in the first half, everyone was playing great d, the ball was moving, and everyone was looking confident. Then, in the second half, the other team adjusted, clamped down on defense, and no one could create their own shot anymore. It was the ultimate examples of his strengths and weaknesses. That’s why, for the millionth, billionth time, I really hope they stay patient. Listen, Isaiah is great. But isn’t Markelle Fultz just a taller Isaiah? If you’re going to take someone number one overall, aren’t you expecting him to be the best player on your team? They don’t need to make an Isaiah decision just yet. If Fultz displays he has the same type of skills as Isaiah does right away and shows flashes of actually being able to play some defense, you can just trade Isaiah midseason. If he looks lost like Brandon Ingram did this year, then bite the bullet and resign Isaiah because you need at least one person who can score. My money is on Fultz being good right away. Kyrie Irving has displayed time and time again why you invest in an offensively gifted guard. He can replace Isaiah. It’ll make all the other fans unhappy, but, honestly, most Celtics fans are pretty stupid because they think a team built around Isaiah, Jimmy Butler, and Serge Ibaka can win a title. Luckily, I think Danny Ainge is smart enough to stick with his long game. It’s worked absolutely perfectly so far. Don’t throw it away for second tier stars. Please.

IndyCar Drivers Scott Dixon and Dario Franchitti get robbed at a Taco Bell Drive Thru at 9:40 PM, confirm my Movement is growing

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ESPN– Indianapolis 500 pole sitter Scott Dixon and former IndyCar Series driver Dario Franchitti were robbed at gunpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru Sunday in Indianapolis, according to a police report obtained by ESPN.

Dixon, his wife, Emma Davies-Dixon, and Franchitti were robbed at around 9:40 p.m. local time at the restaurant, which is located less than a mile from Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Hours earlier, Dixon set the fastest qualifying time in 21 years there.

Two males, ages 15 and 14, were arrested, according to the police report. Both were charged with robbery, while the 15-year-old was also charged with resisting law enforcement.

The teenagers allegedly took credit cards as well as Davies-Dixon’s wallet and identification.

Dixon and Franchitti declined to comment to reporters Monday, while Chip Ganassi Racing released a statement saying the drivers are “completely fine.”

“Thank you to everyone for all of your concerns about their well-being,” the statement read. “However, we will allow the Speedway/Indianapolis police departments to handle the situation and while they conduct their investigation we will refrain from making any further comments to allow Scott to focus on the upcoming Indianapolis 500.”

Before today, I wasn’t an IndyCar guy. I wasn’t a racing guy, in general. I didn’t have a favorite driver, I didn’t have a favorite track, nothing. Well, now I’ve got two favorite drivers, because my guys Scott Dixon and Dario Franchitti understand what the #nomorenoonmeals life is all about.

Listen, if being a revolutionary was easy, everyone would do it. The public will always push back against explosive beliefs that call everything they’ve ever known into question. The brave few who hear the Call in the movement’s infancy will face untold prejudice and persecution. Getting robbed by a couple of teenagers isn’t a good thing. But practicing the #nomorenoonmeals lifestyle is.

What if Scott and Dario decided to follow society’s rules? What if they both thought, “man, even though I’m starving and would love some delicious Taco Bell right now, it’s 9:40 pm so I’m not supposed to eat anything. Oh, well, guess I’ll just stay hungry and miserable.” What kind of life is that? Constantly ignoring your insatiable hunger just because they Should Have Eaten Dinner Already. When Scott wins the Indy 500, I bet the first thing he says in the post-race interview is “my mind was free because I wasn’t worried about the fact that I might not be able to eat at either noon or 6:30.” It’s like a higher form of meditation where you eliminate one of life’s more annoying concerns completely. Those teens were just waiting to pounce on anyone who came through that Drive Thru because they had heard rumor of a new movement sweeping the country and they couldn’t let anything challenge their fragile Midwestern Values. After all, you’re Supposed to Eat Lunch at Noon and Dinner at 6:30, right? Might as well just not eat if you can’t eat at the exact time you’re supposed to. What planet am I on right now? When did it become 1984? Are delinquent teens really targeting my people now? The people with enough backbone and self-respect to eat when they’re hungry, not when they have to? Is this really the future of America? Hey, Jaxxon and Mason (I’m assuming those are their names since they’re stupid Millenials), how would you like it if someone told you you can only use your fancy smartphone with iFace and Tweetbook on it at certain times in a day, and if you disobeyed you’d become a social pariah? You probably wouldn’t like that, would you? Well, next time you feel like taking the hatred you feel towards your dad out on some forward-thinking mavericks who are unafraid to stand up for what they believe in, why don’t you just ask yourself it it’s really such a bad thing if someone eats whatever they want whenever they want. How about that, you punks? These kids are lucky #nomorenoonmeals is, by default, a peaceful and inclusive school of thought, or else one of those brats would have been eating some pavement. No one can decide what or when you eat. That’s the true pillar of my movement. Dietary freedom. So, if you’re part of my family of free-eaters, if you ever face persecution for your beliefs, just turn the other cheek and pity the offender for not being able to think for himself. Remember, it’s your body. Feed it when you want to.

Hugh Jackman says he didn’t know Wolverines were Real

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source– Jackman didn’t know wolverines were real things. He thought it was a play on “wolf.” According to Page Six, Jackman said at a panel, “I literally, embarrassingly did about two weeks of research on wolves. I was rehearsing for three weeks and I was shooting, so I was kind of on my own.”

While on the set of 2000’s X-Men, director Bryan Singer noticed something was not right: “He said, ‘Are you sort of walking funny, what’s going on?’ And I said, ‘I’ve been doing this thing with wolves,’ and he goes, ‘You know you’re not a wolf, right?‘”

“I said, ‘Well, there’s no such thing as a wolverine,‘” Jackman said, erroneously. He was instructed to “go to the zoo, dude.”

Alright, as an amateur expert zoologist, I’m sure everyone’s expecting to tear my guy Hugh to shreds for such ignorance. How can someone not know that the source of inspiration for the character he’s spent half his life playing was a real creature? He’s a superstar actor, surely he has enough spare time to do a second of research. I mean, he’s spent enough time in America to have heard plenty about wolverines, after all. Did he think Michigan named it’s teams after nonsense? No, I’m not going to criticize him for that kind of ignorance. Everyone gets one moment of stupidity every now and then. What I’m really upset with him about is the fact that he doubted the existence of any animal as an Australian.

He’s seen the kind of things in his backyard, right? There’s an entire clade of animals that only exists there. You literally can’t find marsupials anywhere else in the world because they’re too weird. Koalas are like the most normal looking. Kangaroos are pretty much people with tails and a worse attitude. And the egg laying mammals are complete freaks. I mean, echidnas? Look at these things:

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And platypuses?

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He lives with these things and he thinks wolverines are fake? What? Are Australians’ views of the world so skewed by the monsters that live next door that they can’t even fathom what normal animals are like? Are they so used to crazy reptiles that spit poison out of every part of their body that a regular old wolverine seems fake? How can you run around with giant snakes and alligators and dingos and emus and the like and have the nerve to think any animal can be fake? That’s what everyone should be questioning here. I refuse to believe Hugh actually thought that there were animals that didn’t exist. If I were Australian I’d believe in pretty much any legend you told me, because odds are I’ve already seen worse. That’s why I think this is fake. Just a story Hugh made up to seem more relatable. Sorry, Hugh, I’m not buying it. You’re not like me. I can’t be Wolverine. Telling me a made up tale about not knowing wolverines exist doesn’t make me like me like you more.

The GOAT of educational videos:

I’m Already Sick of this Darn Heat

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I know it’s only May 19th and I’m digging myself an early grave here, but it’s just too hot. My phone says it’s 89° right now. 89°! Sweltering!! That’s too hot for May. It’s impossible to escape. As someone without central air in my house, I’m forced to decide between staying in The Brian’s Den with the AC blasting all day or downstairs with the windows open. Normally, that’s a no brainer, but someone has to pay for all that electricity. I’m sitting in a dark room with a million windows open and a fan going but I’m still glistening with sweat. No matter how many Refreshingly Delicious glasses of Simply Limeade® I drink, nothing can cool me down (limeade is easily the most underrated summer drink. Everyone loves lemonade, and for good reason, but don’t sleep on its superior cousin). And don’t even get me started on what’s going on outside. I can cancel those sauna plans I had because I can just sit in my car. Luckily all of my flowers are in the shade so they aren’t being vaporized by the heat. As someone who’s #blessed with Irish DNA, heat and sunlight are my mortal enemies. My alabaster skin can’t take the kind of beating days like this dish out. It’s obviously a double edged sword. Summer is prime Hot Dog and Bud Light Lime season, which can’t be overlooked, but the first heat wave of the year always reminds me why my Season Power Ranking looks the way it does.

I get a lot of flak from my friends when I tell them Summer is my least favorite season. “How?” they ask, “there’s so much to do! Great weather, great food, you can swim, etcetera etcetera.” Yeah, there’s plenty to do in Summer. And I don’t hate all of Summer either. I’m a very positive person when it comes to seasons. There’s good aspects of all of them. But, Summer still ranks last for me. Sorry not sorry.

Season Power Rankings

  1. Fall- Autumn is the unquestioned number one, and if anyone has anything else as their number one, odds are they live in somewhere south of Indiana and have things like “nice weather all year round” and “night life” and “tons of distractions besides sports.” Fall has everything: perfect weather (absolutely nothing can beat sitting inside on a rainy October day), football, playoff baseball, football, Thanksgiving, and football. I pity anyone who didn’t grow up in a place where the leaves changed. Fall flavors are tough to beat too. Apple, cinnamon, and every basic’s favorite Pumpkin Spice is a murderer’s row of limited time options. I had to search pretty hard for downsides, and the only one I came up with is raking leaves. And if you’re football team stinks, but I can’t identify with that.
  2. Winter- Easily my most controversial pick, but I’m a huge Winter guy. Huge. Everything happens in Winter: my birthday, Christmas, New Year’s, the Super Bowl, NBA All-Star Weekend, Valentine’s Day, what else could you ask for? I love snow, and, in my mind, a beautiful, moonlit snowscape is one of the most stunning visuals you can find. Some all time flavors, too. Nutmeg, peppermint, eggnog (not my favorite, but still beloved), and no season has a bigger claim to owning chocolate than Winter. Some weak minded people will say the cold is an issue, but I’d much rather be cold than hot. And snow days are the ultimate adrenaline rush, no matter how old you are. You can always add more layers, you can’t always take them off. Only thing keeping it from the top is the fact that shoveling is a huge pain and driving becomes a near-death experience with all the people that don’t know how to drive.
  3. Spring- I do often go back and forth between Spring and Summer, but, if you haven’t noticed, the basis of these rankings is pretty much primarily what sports are on at the time, and Spring has some of the best things in the world- March Madness, Baseball Opening Day, NHL and NBA playoffs, and the end of the soccer season for my fellow footy fiends. Spring has warm weather, but it’s pleasantly warm, not overbearing. Flowers start blooming. All the animals come out of hibernation or return from migration. Easter, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day aren’t the best holidays, but Easter has some very solid food options. I’m not sure if Spring really has any signature flavors besides different variations of sugar. Maybe peanuts and berries. Rain is the biggest downside, and the lack of football to watch during the day really accentuates it. Another negative is how sometimes Spring lasts for like a week before a bit more Winter. When I put shorts on for the first time, they’re on. I don’t go back to pants until September at the earliest. So when it’s 60° March 13th, I switch to shorts. Then I wind up wearing shorts during the last snow flurry like an idiot.
  4. Summer- I’m not a blind Summer hater. There’s a lot of things I like about Summer. The afore mentioned Hot Dog and BLL SZNs. I can emulate one of heroes Dom Toretto and knock back Coronas. You can only truly eat my favorite dessert, key lime pie, in summer. Ice cream and frozen novelties reign supreme. In fact, if you combine all of that with the wonder of barbecue, and summer probably has the most consistently strong menu of any season. There’s always some great movies in theaters. I’m a big water guy, too, and summer is obviously prime swimming and boating season. But everything is just so exhausting. It’s so hot at night, even sleeping is tiring. And when you just want to stay inside, there’s nothing to watch on TV besides the dog days of baseball. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Interact with other people? Read? No thank you. You need to take a million showers a day because you get coated in sweat the second you dry yourself off. And it’s super humid where I live, and humidity is the worst thing ever. It’s just unpleasant in the Summer. Sorry for being honest.

Apple has Designed the Perfect Pizza Box

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source– Apple is credited with reinventing the mobile phone, the computer and the music industry. Now it has redefined the pizza box.

The technology giant has invented a space-age pizza box specially for employees at its new headquarters in California. The circular design – naturally finished in white – features carefully-placed holes that allow heat and moisture to escape, preventing the pizza from getting soggy.

The box, whose design has been patented by Apple, was made to allow staff to take pizzas from the 4,000-seater staff canteen back to their desk.

The patent, which was first published in 2012, describes how the box can be easily stacked and features a “plurality of ridges”, “allowing moisture expelled from the food item to be transported away from the food item”.

While the box has been in use for some time at Apple’s “Caffe Mac” canteens, but will come in especially handy at the new “Apple Park” headquarters in Cupertino, where staff have started to move in.

Staff are meant to eat in the enormous main café together in order to encourage employees from different departments to collaborate, meaning a lengthy walk to lunch for some workers around the new headquarters’ spaceship-like “ring” design.

A report on the new headquarters from Wired said that the pizza box was partially designed by Francesco Longoni, Apple’s head of food services.

Unfortunately for takeaway fans around the world, Apple does not appear to have any plans to distribute its invention more widely, leaving the rest of us grappling with low-tech containers and soggy pizza.

 

True aficionados will be able to experience the box, however. Apple plans to open a café to the public when the headquarters are fully operational.

I have a few thoughts on this whole thing. First of all, I’m actually glad Apple is taking it upon themselves to fully maximize everyone’s living experience and spend hundreds of hours and most likely millions of dollars to research something like the Perfect Pizza Box. I think they should improve more things. I’ve long called for a more sensitive and precise toaster. And how about an iToilet? Make everything I own a carefully designed marvel of modern technology. It just means we’re one step closer to having a complete monopoly on all consumer goods, which will make life a lot easier if you only have to go one place to get anything. People may mourn the death of the small business, but I’ll rejoice at the chance to get all of my shopping done in one convenient place. How many times do you have to go to one place for some tech services, then another place for clothes, then another place to get food? Bouncing around all over town like that takes up the whole day. But if everything is in one spot? Then I’ve got all my shopping done in an hour and I’m feeling good about the rest of the day. The fact that this box was partially designed by the head of their food services is also a great sign, since it means Apple is so committed to progress, even their lunch ladies cafeteria staff are brilliant engineers. It makes me feel like my future is in good hands.

But, and this is a big but here, folks, the cardboard pizza box is a sacred item. A symbol of American Identity. A pure aphrodisiac. Seeing a cardboard pizza box releases every positive endorphin our bodies produce. It not only signals it’s time to eat, but that it’s time to eat pizza. That’s one of the greatest sensations mankind can have. Sure, after being in a box for 30 Minutes or Less™ and bouncing around in a car it’s not a crisp as it would be if you got it straight out of a brick oven in New Haven, but unless you’re actually getting New Haven style pizza, why does crispness matter? A poorly ventilated cardboard box keeps all those wonderful vapors trapped within, only magnifying the flavor of the pizza itself. The cardboard infuses some of its own flavor into the pizza, as well, which can’t be overstated. Pizza in a cardboard box just smells different. It feels different. It tastes different. Replace that with a new age plastic disc perfectly engineered to eliminate moisture and funnel the steam away from the pie? I don’t know if I want to live in a world where that’s the norm. It’s like a new cast-iron skillet vs. a twenty year old one. Sure, the new one is cleaner, more consistent, and in much better shape, but the old one has so many great flavors built in that the new one can’t hope to match. The pizza itself may be purer in the Apple Box, but that’s not what pizza is supposed to be. It’s not supposed to be clean and always fresh and designed by MIT grads. It’s an everyman food. Imperfect. Messy. Not always the most sanitary. But delicious nonetheless. And, speaking from experience, cardboard boxes have an important role in film, television, and real life, as a wake up call. It’s going to be a lot different waking up to a neat stack of plastic discs that you can reuse than it is for a big, bulky, greasy stack of cardboard pizza boxes. If you’ve ever had more than two cardboard pizza boxes lying around at one time and you haven’t had a party or anything, it can cause you to re-evauate your life a little bit. At the very least it forces you to clean up a bit before ordering the next round of ‘za. But these reusable plastic things? Just wash them off and you can put anything in there. It’s so convenient you’ll wind up just ordering more and more pizza with no shame or sense of the moment. You’ll ruin the allure of pizza night because it’ll become your default meal. Pizza will become monotonous. That’s a worst-case-scenario for humankind. Cardboard boxes keep pizza consumption in check. It keeps the supply healthy and the air of exclusivity alive. I keep coming back to this, but the worst business decision of the last 10,000 years was McDonald’s making breakfast all day. Why would anyone want it anymore if they can always get it? If you can always get the perfect pizza experience, it’ll just become passé. Just another thing to put into your stomach. Pizza doesn’t deserve that. Not now, not ever.

CELTICS WIN THE LOTTERY

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Ask and ye shall receive. What a run I’ve been on lately. Red Sox get Chris Sale. Pats win the craziest Super Bowl ever then get Brandin Cooks. John Wick 2 and Fast 8. Taco Bell makes the Naked Chicken Chips.  And now the Celtics win the lottery. What a time to be me or any like minded individual. Can’t believe they finally, finally, didn’t get screwed in the lottery. This pretty much eliminates all of my fears. With the number one pick they won’t want to just punt and trade it for nothing. Patience is easier to preach when you’ve got someone with the kind of pedigree Markelle Fultz (hopefully) has. Hell, maybe they can swindle the Lakers into giving up something good to swap picks with them by leaking they want Lonzo (but under no circumstances take him. Like there is literally no scenario where I want Lonzo on the Celtics). I am just so high on adrenaline right now. I felt like I was watching the Super Bowl again. I died for a second with each pick they announced in the top four. I was pacing back and fourth in my living room for the entire half hour show. I still think I should have been the Celtics’ representative, but I guess I can’t be mad now. And they get to do this all again next year? How did I ever get so lucky?