Apple has Designed the Perfect Pizza Box

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source– Apple is credited with reinventing the mobile phone, the computer and the music industry. Now it has redefined the pizza box.

The technology giant has invented a space-age pizza box specially for employees at its new headquarters in California. The circular design – naturally finished in white – features carefully-placed holes that allow heat and moisture to escape, preventing the pizza from getting soggy.

The box, whose design has been patented by Apple, was made to allow staff to take pizzas from the 4,000-seater staff canteen back to their desk.

The patent, which was first published in 2012, describes how the box can be easily stacked and features a “plurality of ridges”, “allowing moisture expelled from the food item to be transported away from the food item”.

While the box has been in use for some time at Apple’s “Caffe Mac” canteens, but will come in especially handy at the new “Apple Park” headquarters in Cupertino, where staff have started to move in.

Staff are meant to eat in the enormous main café together in order to encourage employees from different departments to collaborate, meaning a lengthy walk to lunch for some workers around the new headquarters’ spaceship-like “ring” design.

A report on the new headquarters from Wired said that the pizza box was partially designed by Francesco Longoni, Apple’s head of food services.

Unfortunately for takeaway fans around the world, Apple does not appear to have any plans to distribute its invention more widely, leaving the rest of us grappling with low-tech containers and soggy pizza.

 

True aficionados will be able to experience the box, however. Apple plans to open a café to the public when the headquarters are fully operational.

I have a few thoughts on this whole thing. First of all, I’m actually glad Apple is taking it upon themselves to fully maximize everyone’s living experience and spend hundreds of hours and most likely millions of dollars to research something like the Perfect Pizza Box. I think they should improve more things. I’ve long called for a more sensitive and precise toaster. And how about an iToilet? Make everything I own a carefully designed marvel of modern technology. It just means we’re one step closer to having a complete monopoly on all consumer goods, which will make life a lot easier if you only have to go one place to get anything. People may mourn the death of the small business, but I’ll rejoice at the chance to get all of my shopping done in one convenient place. How many times do you have to go to one place for some tech services, then another place for clothes, then another place to get food? Bouncing around all over town like that takes up the whole day. But if everything is in one spot? Then I’ve got all my shopping done in an hour and I’m feeling good about the rest of the day. The fact that this box was partially designed by the head of their food services is also a great sign, since it means Apple is so committed to progress, even their lunch ladies cafeteria staff are brilliant engineers. It makes me feel like my future is in good hands.

But, and this is a big but here, folks, the cardboard pizza box is a sacred item. A symbol of American Identity. A pure aphrodisiac. Seeing a cardboard pizza box releases every positive endorphin our bodies produce. It not only signals it’s time to eat, but that it’s time to eat pizza. That’s one of the greatest sensations mankind can have. Sure, after being in a box for 30 Minutes or Less™ and bouncing around in a car it’s not a crisp as it would be if you got it straight out of a brick oven in New Haven, but unless you’re actually getting New Haven style pizza, why does crispness matter? A poorly ventilated cardboard box keeps all those wonderful vapors trapped within, only magnifying the flavor of the pizza itself. The cardboard infuses some of its own flavor into the pizza, as well, which can’t be overstated. Pizza in a cardboard box just smells different. It feels different. It tastes different. Replace that with a new age plastic disc perfectly engineered to eliminate moisture and funnel the steam away from the pie? I don’t know if I want to live in a world where that’s the norm. It’s like a new cast-iron skillet vs. a twenty year old one. Sure, the new one is cleaner, more consistent, and in much better shape, but the old one has so many great flavors built in that the new one can’t hope to match. The pizza itself may be purer in the Apple Box, but that’s not what pizza is supposed to be. It’s not supposed to be clean and always fresh and designed by MIT grads. It’s an everyman food. Imperfect. Messy. Not always the most sanitary. But delicious nonetheless. And, speaking from experience, cardboard boxes have an important role in film, television, and real life, as a wake up call. It’s going to be a lot different waking up to a neat stack of plastic discs that you can reuse than it is for a big, bulky, greasy stack of cardboard pizza boxes. If you’ve ever had more than two cardboard pizza boxes lying around at one time and you haven’t had a party or anything, it can cause you to re-evauate your life a little bit. At the very least it forces you to clean up a bit before ordering the next round of ‘za. But these reusable plastic things? Just wash them off and you can put anything in there. It’s so convenient you’ll wind up just ordering more and more pizza with no shame or sense of the moment. You’ll ruin the allure of pizza night because it’ll become your default meal. Pizza will become monotonous. That’s a worst-case-scenario for humankind. Cardboard boxes keep pizza consumption in check. It keeps the supply healthy and the air of exclusivity alive. I keep coming back to this, but the worst business decision of the last 10,000 years was McDonald’s making breakfast all day. Why would anyone want it anymore if they can always get it? If you can always get the perfect pizza experience, it’ll just become passé. Just another thing to put into your stomach. Pizza doesn’t deserve that. Not now, not ever.

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CELTICS WIN THE LOTTERY

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Ask and ye shall receive. What a run I’ve been on lately. Red Sox get Chris Sale. Pats win the craziest Super Bowl ever then get Brandin Cooks. John Wick 2 and Fast 8. Taco Bell makes the Naked Chicken Chips.  And now the Celtics win the lottery. What a time to be me or any like minded individual. Can’t believe they finally, finally, didn’t get screwed in the lottery. This pretty much eliminates all of my fears. With the number one pick they won’t want to just punt and trade it for nothing. Patience is easier to preach when you’ve got someone with the kind of pedigree Markelle Fultz (hopefully) has. Hell, maybe they can swindle the Lakers into giving up something good to swap picks with them by leaking they want Lonzo (but under no circumstances take him. Like there is literally no scenario where I want Lonzo on the Celtics). I am just so high on adrenaline right now. I felt like I was watching the Super Bowl again. I died for a second with each pick they announced in the top four. I was pacing back and fourth in my living room for the entire half hour show. I still think I should have been the Celtics’ representative, but I guess I can’t be mad now. And they get to do this all again next year? How did I ever get so lucky?

The Day of Reckoning is Here

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At long last we have arrived. Zero Hour. Judgement Day. The beginning of the End. The Four Horsemen have been set loose. The seven trumpeters are blowing their horns and the Seventh Seal has been broken. The rivers have become red with blood and hellfire rains down from above. The Beast is gathering the people before him, devouring all that are weak enough to join his accursed ranks. Heaven is preparing it’s angels for the coming battle against the forces of darkness. Now is the time all must face judgement for what they have done in life and answer for their sins and transgressions. Tonight is truly the hour of reckoning. Tonight is the NBA Draft Lottery.

Everything the Celtics have done for the last five years has lead up to this. Every trade, every non-trade, every signing, every draft pick, every heavily criticized move by the legion of foolish fans who called for win-now moves instead of using their brains. Every time GM Danny Ainge has shown patience (much to my delight) in the face of overwhelming opposition. Finally, the Nets Picks will gain corporeal form.

I’d call tonight, where the Celtics have the best odds of coming away with the number one overall pick, the most important moment in Celtics History, but that’d be an insult to last night’s Kelly Olynyk show. All the moves that have been setting up a glorious future can start to take shape tonight and June 22nd, the night of the draft. All I want is for the Celtics to get the number one pick. That’s literally all I’ve ever wanted for this season. I didn’t really care how far they went in the playoffs. Them making the Conference Finals is just a pleasant surprise. But I’m worried last night’s win over the Wizards and the suddenly mute John Wall used up all of their good juju (quick Conference Finals thoughts: worst case scenario is that the Celtics win two games against Cleveland. I know they have no shot of winning the series so don’t get my hopes up whatsoever. And I don’t even really want them in the Finals because I don’t want them to get punked by the Warriors, who are going to absolutely toast the Spurs after Zaza “It was just an accident, I swear” Pachulia took out Kawhi). You can’t make the Conference Finals and get the number one pick. I’m more mentally prepared for the number four pick than I am the number one. I mean, the Celtics are the best franchise in NBA history at two things: winning titles and getting screwed in the lottery. Kevin Durant should have been stabbing the Celtics in the back to join the Warriors this offseason, not the Thunder. Tim Duncan should have had his number retirement ceremony in Boston, not San Antonio. Len Bias should still be alive. Add in the fact that the team with the worst record has won the lottery two straight years and things are looking grim. Then add in the fact that if the Lakers’ pick is outside of the top 3, they lose it to Philadelphia and somehow also lose their 2019 first round pick to Orlando, and Magic Johnson is going to be in attendance. I know Stern is “retired,” but this is still the NBA we’re talking about. This is still the Lakers. They’re getting a top 3 pick. The Knicks probably are, too. The Celtics are fighting an uphill battle against an opponent who bends the rules in favor of what’s best for business. It feels like the Celtics have a 0.0% chance of winning the lottery tonight. I’d honestly be fine if the Celtics got 2 and the Lakers got 1, because I know the Lakers would never pass on Lonzo. At this point my only hope of getting future Celtics Legend Markelle Fultz on the roster is other teams’ incompetence. It’s still too early to talk backup plans, but there’s only two outcomes to this draft that would be unacceptable to me: drafting Lonzo Ball or trading the pick. I’ve made my thoughts on Lonzo pretty clear. I’m going to love watching him crash and burn, just as long as it’s on a different team. Hopefully the Cavs will sweep the Celtics so everyone can realize they aren’t one move away from competing. Hopefully people will look at the disappearing acts Paul George and Jimmy Butler pulled off during the playoffs (at times good enough to make even James Harden, Kyle Lowry, and Game 7 John Wall jealous) and start thinking maybe, just maybe, giving up the entire roster to get one of these guys isn’t the right move. And hopefully all those people who wanted Ainge fired for not trading the farm for Serge Ibaka or P.J. Tucker (for the record, I was not on that bandwagon. I was on the “Ainge can’t draft” bandwagon that crashed and burned after Terry Rozier, Marcus Smart, Avery Bradley, and Jaylen Brown proved their worth multiple times over) saw how the badly the Raptors STUNK against the Cavs and that copying anything they do is probably the wrong move. The East won’t be won in one day. It’ll be won in four years when LeBron has deteriorated and only averages 23,7, and 6. Be patient. Fultz is an all-star level player, but he won’t be next year. Maybe not even the year after that. But they have the Nets’ pick next year. And multiple first round picks as early as 2019. This is a long play. It’s about time everyone else got on board the Celtics 2020 Express.

I really can’t do anything but hope, at this point. I mean, I’m a decent person. I’ve given to charity before. I feel bad when I see stray animals. I’ve thought about helping old ladies cross the street. I deserve this. Something good has to happen for one of my sports teams, after all. Just let me have this one, please. If When the Celtics wind up getting the fourth pick, I’m going to search out the nearest 18-wheeler and stand directly in front of it.

MLB Thoughts

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Been a few weeks since the last round of MLB Thoughts, so it’s time to take a look at the landscape of the league again. A lot of things have changed. A lot has stayed the same. Can anyone stop this red-hot team from Washington, D.C.? I’ve heard it’s their year.

  • The hater in me can only deny the Yankees recognition for so long. Pretty much everything has gone their way. Every hitter is red hot. Aaron Judge has established himself as the second best rookie in the AL East. Their pitching has been effective. Stalin Castro is hitting .351. Aaron Hicks has an OPS of 1.101, for crying out loud! Buuuuuttttttt, I mean…. Aaron Hicks has an OPS of 1.101. Jacob Ellsbury has played in all but 3 games. Brett Gardner has one fewer home run than he did last year already. He’s always had the talent, but Starlin hasn’t hit over .300 since 2011. Michael Pineda has a 131 ERA+. What I’m trying to say is, they’ve had a lot of good luck and are probably going to come back down to Earth. Before everyone gets all pissed off at me for daring to question the Greatest Team Ever Put Together in the History of Mankind (or at least since the last time the Yankees were good), keep in mind I said before the season that they’d make the Wild Card game. That hasn’t changed. Sure, everyone has over-performed, but it’s not pure luck, either. There’s real talent here, it’s just not really ready to be the best team in the league this year.
  • While we’re discussing things that will undoubtedly get some people upset at me, only someone who hates attention and does stuff for the Love of the Game like Derek Jeter could handpick Mother’s Day for his jersey retirement ceremony. Somehow, someway, Jeets is going to hijack one of the purest, least commercialized most well-meaning holidays out there and make it about himself. So classy.
  • As someone who never lived through some of the more horrible dictatorships in history, I can say with relative ease that Bobby Valentine is my least favorite person in history. I hate everything about him and wouldn’t mind if something really bad *wink wink* happened to him. On the other hand, David Ortiz is one of my favorite people ever. To say this excerpt made me happy is an understatement.

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    So zany!!!
  • Speaking of disgraceful Mets, I don’t even know what to think about Matt Harvey. Guy’s been getting absolutely shredded by melodramatic Mets fans and talking heads all week. And he brings it all on himself! He says time and time again how he wants to be this big playboy and the Dark Knight and a Jeter-like superstar, but it only works if you’re actually, you know, still good. He’s been absolute ass this season. He got lit up the Braves back to back starts, and I’m not sure they have any MLB level players besides Freddie Freeman (who is the best hitter in the NL, don’t @ me). I’m actually surprised he hasn’t pulled out the LeBron James-patented “I don’t know why the media hates me so much sorry I’m not perfect woe is me” defense yet. Haven’t seen someone quit so blatantly since James Harden (thanks for making me look good James! Really appreciate it!).
  • Boy, who is that at the top of the NL West? The Rockies? Still? If only someone predicted that.
  • Stop me if you’ve heard this before: there’s this team based out of Washington, D.C., lead by a transcendent star, and they can’t be stopped by anyone. They’re rolling over lesser teams left and right. Such a dynamite sports town. I can’t see anyone standing in their way. The playoffs will be a mere formality. They’ll walk to the title.
  • Andrew Benintendi is already a top-ten player in the American League. Sorry, not sorry.
  • Out of nowhere, Houston has the best record in the league. The more great starts he puts together, to more it looks like last season was the aberration for Dallas Keuchel, not two years ago. He’s been arguably the second best starting pitcher in the majors this year.
  • I’m about to make history here at the Brian’s Den and break some big-time news: Carlos Correa is good.
  • I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an extreme hat angle as the one Alex Colome has in his official photo.517008 I’m not a big “wear you’re hat the right way and don’t smile on the field unless you want a fastball in the neck” guy, but that’s a worrisome look. If the edge of the brim of your hat lines up perfectly with your nose, that means you’re spending the majority of his time making sure it looks just right. It’s all you can think about. It’s like starting an inning with the bases loaded. I’m not sure if I’d want my closer looking like Fernando Rodney out there. Luckily, the Rays stink (despite the fact that the Red Sox can’t beat them) so he won’t have too many save opportunities to put in jeopardy.
  • Are the Reds better than the Cubs?? Only time will tell…
  • Yonder Alonso is channelling my all-time favorite Oakland A and fat Matt Damon look alike Jack Cust by being the most random veteran having a breakout season. He’s already got a career high in home runs. Why did he wait until he was 30 to start training with Cousin Yuri change his swing? I don’t know. Why does anyone do anything?
  • As did anyone with a brain, I felt the whole Manny Machado-Red Sox situation was handled poorly and way overblown. It was a bad, late slide, but it didn’t require getting thrown at a million times and certainly didn’t merit throwing at his head. But doesn’t Machado always seem to be in the middle of this stuff? Every time the Orioles get into any kind of scuffle he’s the cause of it. I mean, he got a 98 mph fastball thrown at his head once and started crying more that a baby that was just born two seconds ago. Grow up, man.
  • Chris Sale would be a legend even if he wasn’t completely unhittable because of how fast he works. After years of watching Clay Buchholz stand on the mound for five minutes in between pitches, he’s like mana from Heaven. And to think, he’s having such an amazing season without his idol and clubhouse leader Drake LaRoche.

Have I forgotten anything? Probably. But that just means it wasn’t worth talking about in the first place.

Random Thoughts, Round 2

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I’m back with the second edition of random thoughts. If you’ve forgotten how this works, I’d like to congratulate you on your NFL career. Not everyone gets to the mountaintop. Anything I want to talk about but isn’t enough for a full post gets dumped here. Let’s jump right in.

They Still Make Rock Band?

I saw recently that they’re coming out with some DLC for Rock Band 4. Huh? Who still plays Rock Band? That era was before I was in high school, and they’re still coming out with new stuff? That’s some truly startling news. I never got the whole fad, anyway. Guitar Hero sucked. Rock Band was only fun because you could play it as a group. I was pretty bad at the game, but hand me the mic and I’ll burn the place to the ground. Not even Through the Fire and Flames could stop me. I was the George Michael of Rock Band. But to play it in 2017? No thanks.

#Nomorenoonmeals has Changed My Life for the Better

Even since I gave my two cents about lunch and introduced the world to the #nomorenoonmeals movement, I’ve found myself subconsciously eating lunch later and later. It’s been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I eat when I want to. I eat when I’m hungry. I’m happier when I eat, which makes me happier for the rest of the day. It deepened my resolve that society’s rules on eating are antiquated, counterproductive, and, overall, completely pointless.

NFL Denies Josh Gordon Reinstatement

Seriously? Listen, I’m not a weed guy. I’m not a “pothead” as the kids say. But this is going on like three years now. It’s the easy comparison to make, but Ray Rice was originally suspended two (2) games for beating the shit out of his wife. Terrell Suggs poured bleach all over his kid, beat up his wife at least twice, and was caught having a minor armory’s worth of guns in his house and didn’t get suspended once. Michael Floyd had a DUI and was back on the field the next week. But Josh Gordon gets three years because he can’t stop smoking weed? Makes sense.

Why do You Have to Buy So Much Celery?

I really should save this for the next installment of Burning Questions (coming soon-ish), but it’s too fresh in my mind right now. How come every time I need to get celery I need to buy about a metric ton of it? Why can’t I get like two or three stalks? If there’s a celery shortage in the world, I’m probably responsible, since I throw away 90% of the celery I buy. I need it about once every two months, and I need to buy farmer Brown’s entire harvest every time. I’m not about to start eating the extra celery or anything, either. Seriously, have you seen the bags of celery grocery stores sell? It’s absurd. Just let me get what I need.

For Real This Time, Get This Bum-Ass Wizards Team Out of My Face

I’m going to be seriously upset if they have to play a game 7. If the Celtics played my old high school team they wouldn’t have beaten them down as badly as what happened last night. You might be able to consider that kind of massacre a hate crime. Wizards are, and have always been bad. Please just end it Saturday night.

Apparently, Floral Prints are IN this Spring and Summer

Well, would you look at that? Looks like I’ve been fashion forward my whole life without realizing. As a proud Flower Guy and a definite Hawaiian Shirt Guy, I wear floral prints year round. Pretty much since I’ve been old enough to actually afford my own clothes floral has dominated my closet. Like most trendsetters, though, my impact is never felt in the moment. It takes years for a movement like this to take place, and I’m glad I could be at the front.

Fossil of Oldest Known Baleen-Whale Relative Unearthed in Peru

Funny. I thought the oldest known baleen-whale relative was your mom.

Speaking of Your Mom, Don’t Forget to get her something for Mother’s Day

Despite the fact that I’ve spent the majority of my life disappointing my parents, I’ve never forgotten Mother’s Day (I think). So make sure you do something for your Mom this Sunday, whether it be getting her flowers, taking her to dinner, forgetting to call until 9 p.m., sending a card in the mail first thing Monday morning, or going another year without giving her any grandchildren. Now, I don’t have a podcast (yet), so I don’t have any promo codes to get you a special offer from 1800flowers.com, but that doesn’t get you off the hook. Don’t be the guy that forgets about Mother’s Day.

Many People Are Wondering If I’m Worried About the Celtics

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So, I guess my last Celtics post didn’t go according to plan, huh? Losing both games in Washington by a combined 300 points is bad. Giving up 1,000-0 runs every single game is bad, and I think they should do something to stop it from happening. They looked like they were playing dead to try and trick an attacking mother grizzly. But, am I worried? Not really. They can’t win in Washington, big deal. Washington can’t win in Boston, either. Now, the way they lost both games was certainly a little troubling. Literally no one played well. The only way they can go is up. And, there’s just no place for worrying in this series. If the Celtics lose at home, it’s over. Plain and simple. The state of the Panic Button will never even be debated on sports talk radio. The series is already over in my head, anyway. Nothing about the first two games (besides the 20-0 starts) said the Wizards can win in Boston. Nothing about the last two games said the Celtics could win in Washington. It turns out there’s more games in Boston than Washington. And if the Wizards steal one in Boston? Well, the lottery’s next week (Of course, in the grand scheme of things, worrying about this series is also pointless because whoever wins is just going to get brushed aside by the inevitable, unavoidable, inescapable Cavs-Warriors Round 3) (LeBron is at a completely different level than anyone else in the league right now. He just keeps getting better physically the older he gets. Hmm…). Before the season, I considered making the Conference Finals to be a realistic goal for this Celtics team. Now, I would still be disappointed if they got knocked out by the Wizards, who have come out of nowhere and become my least favorite team, but at this point all I want is for them not to screw up this offseason. Losing here would save a lot of embarrassment next round, anyway.

The 2008 Celtics team has been on my mind recently, too. Starting with the obvious, allow me to be the 1,000,000th person to compare this series to that Celtics team’s first round (really, first two rounds, but no one remembers that for some reason) against the Hawks, when they couldn’t win in Atlanta for some reason. Zaza was staring down KG every play. Josh Smith was dunking on everyone. Joe Johnson was iso-ing at 15 mph instead of his current 5 mph. But then the Celtics won by a million in game 7. Will that happen this year? It’s hard to say. But probably. They also brought the band back together for KG’s Area 21, which should be uncensored at all times. It was great. They talked Celtics, bashed every other team in the league, made fun of Paul Pierce for The Wheelchair, Perk was somehow making the most sense and breaking news:

I highly recommend going to the Area 21 twitter page and watching all the various clips if you’re a Celtics fan. But the most important thing they talk about, mostly because it still drives KG’s and Rondo’s very existence, was Ray Allen:

I think it’s funny that everyone kind of rolls their eyes at the fact that they’re all still so bitter about how it ended, but then the same people can’t stop LOLing at all of Russell Westbrook’s antics this season. My thoughts? I can’t really blame Ray at the base level. Considering what I’ve said about Kevin Durant, that’d be pretty hypocritical. The two situations are almost identical. Yeah, it’s a huge bummer that he went to the Heat/Warriors, but I’m not going to get super mad about it. As a free agent, the player has the right to sign wherever he wants. Ray decided to do what was best for him, and it worked out for him. Maybe it’s because he’s a fellow UConn Husky and I’m going easy on him, but my animosity towards Ray has lessened every passing year. But, obviously, I wasn’t on the actual team. He could have handled his free agency better, but I think it’s time for KG and the boys to move on. I rip on Westbrook for handling KD leaving like a toddler who had his toy taken away, so it’s only fair I say the same to my guys. I mean, Ray left in 2012. The run was over. They won one title and should have won two. It was an awesome team but everyone was old. Ray could still contribute as a role player to a LeBron-led Heat team. It made sense for him to go there. It happens. It’s not 1963 anymore. Teams break up. Players leave. It’s okay. Yeah, Ray was kind of a dick about it, but it’s time to bury the hatchet.