Author: Brian

MLB Thoughts

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Yet another edition of MLB Thoughts is coming to you hot off the presses. We’re approaching the dreaded Dog Days of the Baseball Season, including the Bermuda Triangle of Sports that is the MLB All Star Break. But, still plenty going around around the Majors, so might as well dive right in.

  • Have to start with the obvious. The All Star rosters are being announced tonight, so I need to give my official Brian’s Den All Star Picks©. As I’m sure you know, the MLB All Star rosters are required to have at least one representative from every team, one of my least favorite rules in all of sports. So, rather than parse through the Padres bullpen in order to fill out the 25-man roster, I’ll just give my starting lineups. I use games played as a bit of a tie-breaker, so even thought Mike Trout’s stats still somehow rank among the best in the league despite the fact he’s missed the last month or so, he doesn’t make the cut. Winning doesn’t matter to me, because holding an individual position player accountable for the success of a baseball team is stupid (it just so happens that the good teams have a lot of good players. Weird). I also don’t care about fan voting, so if you’re wondering why you see players from teams that aren’t the Yankees, Red Sox, Royals, and Cubs, that’s why.
    • American League
      • C- Salvador Perez, Kansas City Royals
      • 1B- Justin Smoak, Toronto Blue Jays
      • 2B- Jose Altuve, Houston Astros
      • 3B- Jose Ramirez, Cleveland Indians
      • SS- Carlos Correa, Houston Astros
      • OF- Aaron Judge, New York Yankees
      • OF- Mookie Betts, Boston Red Sox
      • OF- George Springer, Houston Astros
      • DH- Corey Dickerson, Tampa Bay Rays
      • P- Chris Sale, Boston Red Sox
    • National League
      • C- Buster Posey, San Francisco Giants
      • 1B- Paul Goldschmidt, Arizona Diamondbacks
      • 2B- Daniel Murphy, Washington Nationals
      • 3B- Nolan Arenado, Colorado Rockies
      • SS- Zack Cozart, Cincinnati Reds
      • OF- Bryce Harper, Washington Nationals
      • OF- Cody Bellinger, Los Angeles Dodgers
      • OF- Charlie Blackmon, Colorado Rockies
      • DH- Joey Votto, Cincinnati Reds
      • P- Max Scherzer, Washington Nationals
  • Boy, the Yankees have been scuffling lately. After spending the entire year in first place, all of a sudden they’re two games behind the Red Sox. It’s almost as if they couldn’t sustain this pace and are starting to regress towards the mean. If only someone thought this might happen. Oh, well. You can’t always be right.
  • Speaking of the Red Sox, they’re in first and haven’t even really played well all season. The offense has been stinky all year. They give up home runs every two seconds. But, they have Chris Sale, play good defense, and have gotten some unexpected dominance from the bullpen, which is apparently enough to climb to the top of the toughest division in baseball.
  • At long last, the Rockies are no longer in first place. In the blink of an eye, they’re seven games back of the Dodgers. They still have the third most wins in the National League, but I can’t beat my chest about calling their success all year without facing the music when they start sucking.
  • Brewers need to go to these jerseys full time:
  • Personally, I can’t wait until top prospect Timmy Tebow makes his MLB debut for the Mets when rosters expand later this season. You know, you just know he’ll go deep in his first game.
  • June set an all time record for home runs in a month, and, this being baseball, that’s of course a bad thing. Why can’t baseball just embrace something fun, for once. Home runs are awesome. They make things exciting. It gets new people to tune in. Higher scoring means more people care. More people care and everyone makes more money. But, predictably, the crybaby pitchers, lead by David Price (who is doing the impossible and making a run at J.D. Drew for the title of My Least Favorite Red Sox Player Ever. He and his constant bitching can go straight to hell) have to make a big stink about it. Like so what if the balls are juiced? Maybe don’t throw it right down the pipe and people won’t hit it into the stratosphere. It’s just so typical and annoying. No one’s allowed to have fun playing baseball, not on baseball’s watch.
  • A lot of great third basemen in the league this year. One would imagine it’ll be tough to crack the All Star teams at that position. I mean, someone like Travis Shaw is hitting .291/.357/.911 with 17 homers probably won’t make it. Man, can you imagine if the Red Sox had a guy like that? Can’t believe they haven’t had anyone in their organization the last couple years who has proved time and time again to be better than fat turd Pablo Sandoval. Just bad luck, I guess.
  • Julio Urias injury aside, I feel like the Dodgers have the best minor-league player development in the league. Everyone they bring up is nasty right away. Cody Bellinger leads the National League in homers. Corey Seager is going to be an All Star every year for the next decade plus. He goes through hot and cold streaks, but rookie Joc Pederson was electrifying. It feels like they never bring a guy up just to bring him up. If they bring you up, you automatically produce. And this isn’t new. Rookie Yasiel Puig threatened to completely change the game. That Kershaw guy was pretty decent. In fact, since the award’s inception, the Dodgers have more than twice as many Rookies of the Year as any other team in the majors. Maybe they just keep getting lucky with great players, but I think the Dodgers themselves have something to do with it.
  • I don’t care if this comes back to bite me later, but the Cubs are officially Dead. They stink and should feel bad about themselves.
  • Angels are 26-27 with Mike Trout and 17-15 without him. Is Mike Trout Overrated? Pick up tomorrow’s Newspaper for my column.
  • Because MLB treats its video vault like Fort Knox I can’t really embed the footage, but longtime catcher Carlos Ruiz pitched against the Twins a couple weeks ago and promptly gave up a home run to the first batter he faced. I feel like when position players pitch they never give up homers. I can’t remember it happening, at least. Almost every time a position player pitches he winds up doing okay. Maybe that’s why David Price is so sensitive about everything. He knows that if Mookie Betts decided to start pitching his ass would be out on the street.
  • I know it’s kind of played out by now, but I’m still a big Home Run Derby guy and don’t really get why people don’t want to do it. It’s just batting practice, man. One night of trying to hit homers won’t ruin your swing unless you’re Bobby Abreu.
  • I’m excited to see how Goose Gossage thinks the game is being ruined this year. I’m sure he’ll be interviewed during the All Star Break.

THUNDER TRADE FOR PAUL GEORGE AND THE CELTICS HAVE OFFICIALLY WASTED YET ANOTHER OFFSEASON


This just happened a second ago and I’m typing this out on my phone but it couldn’t wait. Thunder just traded Victor Oladipo and Domantas Sabonis. If you’re waiting for more names there aren’t any. That’s the whole deal. Seriously. And the Celtics couldn’t match it. Just like they couldn’t beat the pupu platter Minnesota just gave Chicago for Jimmy Butler. And Blake Griffin is going to re-sign in L.A. Great work, Danny!

How did they let this happen? I don’t care if he wasn’t going to sign a long-term deal, how do you not beat that? Trading Jae Crowder straight up for George would have been a better deal than what they got. They could have given any number of deals better than what Minnesota gave up. They had a LEGITIMATE CHANCE AT PORZINGIS! WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING ALL THESE “ASSETS” IF YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO DO ANYTHING? DO THEY NOT REALIZE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO GIVE SOMETHING UP TO GET SOMETHING? Listen, I’ve been at the front of the pack preaching patience, but when ALL IT TAKES IS A BAG OF BALLS TO GET A MULTIPLE TIME ALL STAR, PULL THE GOD DAMN TRIGGER!!!!!!!! YOU’D REALLY RATHER HAVE JAYSON TATUM OVER PAUL GEORGE, EVEN FOR A YEAR? JAYSON TATUM STINKS! WHAT IS THE THOUGHT PROCESS HERE? WASN’T THE WHOLE POINT OF GETTING ANOTHER FORST ROUNDER NEXT YEAR TO TRADE FOR SOMEONE GOOD? WELL THERE’S NO ONE GOOD LEFT SO WHOOPS! I’d be totally fine with this if they had just kept Fultz and committed to what they were doing. But after trading him I have absolutely ZERO confidence left. He’s just addicted to acquiring draft picks. Next year they’re going to have two top five picks and trade both of them for first rounders the year after. Then the cycle will keep repeating itself year after year. It’ll never end, the Celtics will never be good again, and they will never, ever, EVER use all of these so called assets to do anything.

Peter Thiel is Funding an Effort to Revive the Wooly Mammoth

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source– PayPal billionaire and Gawker war-wager Peter Thiel has invested $100,000 in a research effort to resurrect the woolly mammoth.

Thiel, who believes that viewing death as inevitable is a sign of “complacency of the western world”, gave the money to Harvard University genomics professor George Church, whose laboratory is attempting to revive the extinct pachyderm.

The donation, detailed for the first time in a new book by Ben Mezrich called Woolly: The True Story of the Quest to Revive One of History’s Most Iconic Extinct Creatures, was made in 2015.

The de-extinction approach taken by Church and his team will sound familiar to Jurassic Park fans: they are taking DNA extracted from frozen mammoths and using it to genetically modify elephant cells. So far, according to the book, the team has managed to get mammoth fur to grow from the side of a mouse grafted with some elephant cells. The results have yet to be published in any scientific papers.

I have a couple of thoughts about all of this. The chief one is that I hope this works. Wooly Mammoths are awesome and I’d love to see one in real life. Plus, it would open the door up to bringing dinosaurs back. It may sound scary to some, but I’d be all for it. If the last thing I ever saw was the gaping maw of some massive dino looking for an afternoon snack, I wouldn’t be all that upset. At my funeral everyone would just be talking about how I was eaten by a dinosaur and how it’s a badass way to go out. I’d finally have that street cred I so desperately crave.

My second thought kind of piggybacks off of that, but I hate Peter Thiel. And not for any political reason or anything like that. Politics have no place in the Brian’s Den. I’m talking about this:

It’s not entirely surprising Thiel wants to bring a mammal back from the dead. According to several interviews, Thiel sees death as a terrible inconvenience that needs disrupting.

“Almost every human being who has ever lived is dead. Solving this problem is the most natural, humane, and important thing we could possibly do,” he is quoted as saying on the website of the SENS Foundation, a charity Thiel funds that approaches aging as a disease in need of a cure.

In 2015 he continued on his warpath against human fragility.

“I’ve always had this really strong sense that death was a terrible, terrible thing,” he told the Washington Post, “Most people end up compartmentalizing, and they are in some weird mode of denial and acceptance about death, but they both have the result of making you very passive. I prefer to fight it.”

Thiel’s “fight” involves investing millions in biotechnology and artificial intelligence in what he has called “the immortality project”. His investment firm Thiel Capital has, according to Inc, expressed an interest in a company called Ambrosia, which is running a trial where individuals can pay $8,000 to receive a blood transfusion from a teenager in the hope that it will restore some youthful vigour. According to the company Thiel is not a client. Yet.

He has also signed up with cryogenics company Alcor to be deep-frozen at the time of his death in the hope that he too can be resurrected.

Say what? You want to cure death? Count me out. Who the hell wants to live forever? What would be the point of ever doing anything if death wasn’t always looming on the horizon? Not to mention the boredom. I haven’t even come close to hitting 30 yet and I’m kind of ready to start wrapping things up. This isn’t Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, there’s no elixir of life. This cure for death doesn’t say anything about staying young, just regaining some vitality. You’d just be an old person forever. Has he even put any thought into this? Has he never seen a movie or show? How has he never once heard about the curse of immortality? This is the worst idea ever, and I’m glad he’s out on an island with this.

My last thought is that this is exactly the kind of stuff I’d do if when I’m a billionaire. Just pay anything into existence. Oh, you want wooly mammoths back? Okay. What’s that? You want a yacht that’s more valuable than most countries’ GDP? Sure thing. Want to buy an entire town and turn it into your personal playhouse? I’m in. I just wouldn’t be a pussy about like Thiel, though. Like, $100,000 dude? You’re a billionaire, that’s not gonna get it done. You think $100,000 is going to cure death? Seriously? Like, if I make multiple billions of dollars, I’d be pretty confident I could make another billion at some point. So, if I really, really, really wanted the wooly mammoth back, I’d throw a billi at it. I’d make the mammoth an offer it couldn’t refuse. It’d be left with no choice but to come back. And then, as the guy that brought wooly mammoths back, I’d just start making money with that. I’d go on tour, I’d sell shirts, I’d charge admission to the petting zoo I created in my backyard. I’d trademark the wooly mammoth so fast it would make your head spin. I don’t know why Peter Thiel is afraid of success, but I guess he’s too busy worrying about not dying.

Bees are Dying at an Alarming Rate, and they May have Found the Cause

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source– The largest study so far on the fraught question of whether neonicotinoid pesticides harm bees is providing new ammunition for those who argue against the use of the controversial chemicals.

The large-scale field study found that overall, exposure to neonicotinoids harms bee populations. In particular, the pesticides reduce honeybees’ ability to survive their winter hibernation, say researchers.

“We’re showing significant negative effects at critical life-cycle stages, which is a cause for concern,” says Richard Pywell, who studies sustainable land management at the Centre for Ecology and Hydrology near Wallingford, UK, and is co-author of a paper resulting from the experiment, published on 29 June in Science.

However, the work was mainly funded by two major neonicotinoid makers, Bayer CropScience and Syngenta. They question the scientists’ conclusions and defend the pesticides, which are already banned or restricted in several countries. The researchers who did the work say they were totally independent.

So, it all comes full circle. For years, anyone who wanted to be zany and different would hold up signs saying “Bees are Dying at an Alarming Rate” at games or concerts or something. It became an internet punchline, an anti-joke that always seemed appropriate. Well, at long, last, there’s a cause. And surprise, surprise. Chemtrails are to blame.

Now, I know the study never mentioned Chemtrails. It says the harmful pesticides is applied to the seeds before planting. But I can put two and two together. This has Chemtrails written all over it. After I infiltrated the Denver Airport, I’m kind of an expert on conspiracies now. I can sniff them out from a mile away. For those of you too ignorant to know, the term Chemtrails refers to the chemical-laced contrails left behind by high-flying aircraft, constantly spraying the unknowing public. Who’s responsible? Is it the government? Some private company? The Lizard People? Who’s to say? But, I have a theory.

You’re probably wondering why the nefarious party behind the Chemtrails would target the poor bees. It kind of seems like a waste of time on the surface. I mean, I’m not really a bee guy, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to kill them or anything. But, as you all know, I am a big flower guy, and that’s where this whole plot becomes sinister. No bees means no flowers. No flowers means everyone is sad all the time. Once the malaise and depression has fully set in, you can sell people some wonderful medication to make them feel happy again. Then you get people hooked, and now you’re printing money and run the world. So, yeah, I think I just cracked the case. Chemtrails are being produced by a pharmaceutical company whose goal is to get everyone addicted to depression medication. I’d wonder how no one else has put all of this together yet, but not everyone has my experience dealing with this stuff. What can I say? I’m the Sherlock Holmes of conspiracy theories. No web is too complex to unravel. No shadow too dark to bring to the light. Just give me a scent and I’ll give you the truth. I honestly feel bad for some of these secret societies. They don’t stand a chance once I put my sights on them. Your move, Illuminati.

Yesterday was the 20th Anniversary of Harry Potter

 

So yesterday when I was busy listening to Despactio for the 10 millionth time a startling piece of news hit my ears. It had somehow been twenty years since Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone was published in England. “That’s impossible,” I thought. “As everyone knows, I’m only 18 years old, but I still have distinct memories of all of the books coming out. This is very odd indeed.” But, it’s true. The Harry Potter franchise has been able to buy cigarettes and porn for two whole years now. Like pretty much every white kid around my age, I’m a huge HP guy. Sorcerer’s Stone was the last book my mom ever read to me out loud. I’ve read all the books about 1,000 times each. In fact, for at least five straight years it was a summer tradition of mine to read all of the books before school started again. But yeah, I had, like, friends and stuff too, though. Because of the countless think pieces that were floating around the internet yesterday to commemorate the occasion, I’m back in. I’m already halfway done with Sorcerer’s Stone. It’s all I can think about. It’s the only thing that matters to me (yes, I know Chris Paul got traded to the Rockets, but honestly, I just don’t care). Until I finish/get tired of it, I’m going to eat, sleep, and breathe Harry Potter. And, of course, I couldn’t let the chance to dish out some Potter takes go by the wayside. Unless I forget something, this is pretty much every thought I’ve ever had about the Potter-verse. God, I miss football.

What House Would I Be In?

The ultimate question. You can really learn all you need to know about someone by the way they answer. And, 9 times out of ten, you’ll learn that they’re trying too hard. Do you really think you’d be in Hufflepuff, or are you just saying that to be different? Oh, you got a Ravenclaw tattoo? Wait, is that your community college diploma hanging on your wall? Well, this is awkward. It isn’t that hard. Everyone knows human beings are only comprised of four basic traits: good, bad, smart, and other. Just figure out which one is strongest in you and there you go.

As for me? Well, it’s been established that the Sorting Hat takes your own personal preferences to heart. I won’t be the guy who goes up there thinking one specific house or bust. My only thought would be that I look horrible in yellow. Of every color in the entire world, yellow looks worst on me. I would just think that nonstop when the hat was on my head. I’m not winding up in Hufflepuff. I don’t care that everyone keeps trying to lift the stigma. I don’t care how many cool people come out and say they’d be in Hufflepuff. I don’t care if I was a Herbology/Care of Magical Creatures savant. I refuse to be in it. If my mom was Helga Hufflepuff herself I’d force my way out of it. As for the other three, I think I would probably be able to fit in to any of them. It’s long been established that I’m a boy genius, so Ravenclaw would be no issue. I’m brave enough to put unpopular takes on the internet, so I’m good in Gryffindor. I look good in green, so Slytherin is a nice answer. But at the end of the day, the strongest, most powerful character trait I have is the insatiable desire, nay, need, to be a relevant character, so that narrows it down to Gryffindor or Slytherin. And, since I had that thought in the first place, I’m probably in Slytherin. Looks like there’s a new bad boy on the block.

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What’s My Patronus?

Another vital question. According to the Pottermore personality quiz (which also backed up my assertion that I’d be in Slytherin), my Patronus would be a Lynx. No offense to the noble mountain cat or it’s close relative the bobcat (nickname of my middle school sports teams), that’s not really what I was looking for. I don’t even know where to start. Is it supposed to be something that looks badass? Is it something deep inside you? Is it just your favorite animal? Dumbledore’s is a phoenix, are we allowed to just get nuts with it? I’m pretty sure Cho Chang is the only character in the books that has a non-mammal Patronus, so is there some speciesism going on? I think flamingos and seahorses make me the happiest, but neither is all that intimidating. Having a falcon would be sweet, but I like hanging on to my 28-3 leads (I’ll be here all week, folks). If I need a mammal, I’d probably go koala, elephant, or some kind of bear. I could get fancy and go dragon or something, but I think I’ll just stick with flamingo. At least it’ll be distinct, and, since I’m in Slytherin, I’ll be the bad boy with a sensitive side.

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What Position Would I Play in Quidditch?

First off, would I play? Yeah, I’d play. I’d probably be captain, or, at the very least, a Draymond Green emotional leader. As established, I need glory. Since I’m too fat swole to be a seeker, looks like I’ll be a chaser. I’m pretty confident I’d re-write the record books. Those Brits would have no way to handle my pure American athleticism.

What Would Be My Best Subject?

I think I’d be a pretty good student at Hogwarts. I was a good student in real life, and these subjects are just a little bit more interesting. I think I’d have a lot of natural talent in Care of Magical Creatures, History of Magic, and Potions (I’m a decent cook). I think I’d try the hardest at Transfiguration (so I could become an Animagus) (I would not turn into a flamingo, though), Charms, and Defense Against the Dark Arts. I don’t think I’d really give a shit about the other classes. My best subject would probably end up being Care of Magical Creatures. Animals have always liked me and I think that would end up being a pretty sweet thing to be good at.

A Bunch of Random Power Rankings

Book Rankings

  1. Goblet of Fire
  2. Order of the Phoenix
  3. Sorcerer’s Stone
  4. Deathly Hallows
  5. Half-Blood Prince

Movie Rankings (The movies were so much worse than the books I don’t think I even need to go into it. Only movie positives: pretty much everything looked awesome and it introduced me to Emma Watson)

  1. Prisoner of Azkaban
  2. Sorcerer’s Stone
  3. Chamber of Secrets
  4. Goblet of Fire
  5. Order of the Phoenix

Best Characters

  1. Fred
  2. Draco Malfoy
  3. Ron
  4. Hermione
  5. George

Best Teachers

  1. Snape
  2. Hagrid
  3. McGonagall
  4. Lockhart
  5. Moody

Best-Sounding Food

  1. Bertie Bott’s Every Flavo(u)r Beans because I’m not a coward
  2. Chocolate Frogs
  3. Cauldron Cakes
  4. Butterbeer
  5. Pumpkin Pasties

Best Animals

  1. Hedwig
  2. Trevor
  3. Fawkes
  4. Buckbeak
  5. Norberta

Best Wizard Jobs

  1. Pro Quidditch Player
  2. Magizoologist
  3. Auror
  4. Wandmaker
  5. Harry Potter’s Friend

Best Moments

  1. First trip to Diagon Alley
  2. Quidditch World Cup
  3. Harry using the Resurrection Stone
  4. Snape’s redemption
  5. That chapter in Half-Blood Prince when Ron was good at stuff

Worst Moments

  1. Fred’s Death
  2. Harry’s bizarre inability to steal one of the thousands of Hogwarts letters delivered to him
  3. The entire HBP movie
  4. Since it’s canon now, The Cursed Child
  5. Umbridge not dying (I actually love Umbridge in that WWE-heel sort of way, but she needed to die)

Best Places

  1. Hogwarts (duh)
  2. Diagon Alley
  3. Pretty much anyone’s house
  4. Underwater in the Lake
  5. Ministry of Magic

I Think I Love Lavar Ball Now

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Last night was a big TV night. The NFL crowned Tom Brady number 1 in their annual “Top 100 Players” list, a stupid, contrived device that exists solely to fuel the #debate. The NBA Awards show finally aired almost two weeks after the season ended, an NHL-level scheduling decision. I don’t even remember anything about the regular season anymore. I can barely recall who won the title. The Celtics won, right? Anyway, I’ve spent enough words on MVP, so I’ll just say I didn’t fully agree with every award, but I’m not going to get upset about them. Through all that, though, one five minute segment on Monday Night Raw is all anyone can talk about. Lavar Ball finally fulfilled his destiny and entered the squared circle. The results were predictably amazing.

I’ve been on record as being a Lavar h8tr, but I can’t deny my true feelings anymore: I love Lavar Ball. I think it happened sometime before the draft, maybe even earlier. I never wanted to admit it to myself, but once he gave his show-stopping draft interview

I knew I had fully shifted to #teamBigBaller. Now, I say I’m only #teamBigBaller because I don’t have the available resources to become a full fledged Big Baller. I, unfortunately, can’t afford a fresh pair of ZO2s. But those $50 t-shirts? They’re a siren on the rocks and I don’t know how long I can resist the call. I need a taste of the Big Baller life. Even if only for an instant, I need to see how the Baller side lives. I need a piece of that power. You put on some BBB gear and the world opens up to you. Your self-confidence goes through the roof. You can will anything into existence. I would have to imagine it’s how God feels.

Listen, I still don’t like his kids. Lonzo seems like a good dude but I’m not sold on his skills. I hate LaMelo. I feel bad for the middle one, but not really since he’s going to be rich either way. But the longer all this goes on, the clearer it’s becoming that Lavar is a legitimate genius. He knows exactly what he’s doing at all times. He knows how to keep his name in the news 24/7. He’s a master of marketing. Even if he hasn’t, he’s made it seem like he’s been manipulating everything from the start. He can spin absolutely anything into a positive for BBB. He has that Kardashian gene for self-promotion that I thought we’d never see again. He’s turned himself into the most cartoonish, most easily hatable heel of all time, which has only made him more popular and in vogue. His sons’ success almost doesn’t even matter anymore. If Lonzo turns out to be an All-Star, then Lavar can just keep on being Lavar. If he doesn’t? Well, he’ll still just keep on being Lavar. He needs to have a recurring role in WWE, especially if his sons don’t pan out. He was born to be hated. And that might be his greatest gift of all.

Why Do People Wear Shoes in their Own Homes?

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I barely slept at all last night. I couldn’t, really. How was I supposed to get any peace of mind after seeing what I had seen? Not even Rip van Winkle would be able to fall asleep with all the neurotic, existential dread running around in my head. As I was going through Instagram, I was presented with a truly horrifying image: a person was wearing sneakers in their own house. They were alone. They weren’t exercising. They were just wearing shoes inside. I know, I was disgusted, too.

I really can’t wrap my head around this move. How can you wear shoes in your own house? The whole point of having a house is so you don’t have to wear shoes. I love shoes as much as the next guy, but I hate wearing them. Any chance I get to go socks or barefoot, you better believe I’m jumping at the opportunity. How can you wear shoes on your own couch? On your own bed? If you think your floors are too dirty to go socks or barefoot on them, maybe it’s time to, I don’t know, clean them? How are people comfortable wearing shoes in their own home? Leave the outside world at the door, man. Your house is your castle.

I know plenty of people who are “shoes inside” people. Some of my best friends have come in to my house, kept their shoes on, and proceeded rub the bottom of their shoes all over my couch. I never said anything because I figured it was common decency and that, eventually, they would see the error of their ways and take their shoes off. Invariably, they didn’t and I (my mom) was stuck cleaning up after them. I tried to understand the mindset. I took myself to a dark, dark place mentally. I walked the dreary, never-ending wasteland of a shoes-inside guy’s mind, and brother, let me tell you it’s not somewhere I’m looking to go ever again. Going through life with no etiquette, no sense of how to function in society. Even worse, going through life with no idea that what you were doing was wrong. Ignorance may be bliss, but it also pisses off everyone around you who wasn’t raised by grizzly bears. It’s a simple solution, too. If you’re in a house and there isn’t a high school/college party going on, take your shoes off. If you’re a germaphobe, wear socks and grow up. Don’t wear shoes in houses, period.

I’m sort of afraid to throw this out there, but I kind of think you should be able to go sans-shoes everywhere you go. Obviously, there’s exceptions. I wouldn’t go to a bar or a fast food place without a thick layer of sole between my skin and whatever’s living on the floor. But random office buildings? Nicer stores? Airports? Why can’t I just go socks? They clean those floors 24/7. I think everyone should be as comfortable as possible at all times. Not wearing shoes is more comfortable than wearing shoes. Ipso facto, people shouldn’t be shamed for not wearing shoes while in a clean room that has a roof (that includes airplanes). Now, this isn’t #nomorenoonmeals. I know that there’s tons of pushback against this idea, and, at some point, you have to pick your battles. So I’m not going all out with this. I’m just trying to give people something to think about. Carpet isn’t meant to be trampled on by shoes. It’s meant to be experienced by bare feet. You’re denying one of mankind’s most ancient industries its true purpose by wearing shoes in your house. That makes you a bad person.

What the Hell is Going on at Real Madrid?

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So this has been going on for a little while now, but it’s too weird and too crazy not to address. Apparently literally everyone who has ever been involved with La Liga in Spain is being investigated for tax fraud. Cristiano Ronaldo. Angel Di Maria. Jose Mourinho. Alexis Sanchez. Lionel Messi’s case is finally starting to wrap up after about a year. Soccer players in Spain just refuse to pay taxes. And I don’t blame them. Taxes stink. But most governments say that you have to pay them if you want to live in their country.

Now, I’m not naïve. I went to a college with big time athletics, I know how this arrangement works. We (the normal folk) do something the athletes don’t want to do (homework, taxes), and, in turn, we get to live vicariously through the athletes as they excel on the field. It’s a win-win scenario. The only people that have a problem with it could easily be classified as haters and losers. I’d love to meet the goody two-shoes who blew the whistle on Ronaldo. Like, good job guy. Now Ronaldo is desperate to leave the country to escape massive tax fraud allegations. Way to go. I guarantee everyone in the Spanish government was well aware of the fact that Messi hadn’t paid taxes in years and was perfectly fine with it. But the second some self-righteous justice warrior decides to point it out, their hands are tied. There’s going to be a lot of “jail time turned into paying a small fine” sentences going around as the government tries to smooth over relations with their star players. I’ve got some advice for whoever called this in: you’d better leave the country, fake your own death, get an entirely new identity, and leave your life behind entirely. Because if Ronaldo does, in fact, leave, once the Ronaldo fans find out who you are, it’s over. Forget a closed casket, you won’t even have a funeral because your body will be nowhere to be found. No one will even know you’re dead. Those Ronaldo fans are vicious, and they’re coming for you. Right after this siesta.

NBA Draft Thoughts

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So, anything happen last night? Besides the draft, can’t think of much. Pretty quiet night in terms of the NBA. Everything went according to plan, no real excitement. Wait, what’s that? The Bulls finally traded Jimmy Butler? And not to the Celtics? I almost couldn’t believe it.

Honestly, this trade really annoyed me. Not that someone else got Jimmy Butler. As anyone who has read any of my thoughts on the NBA could tell you, I was not overly eager for the Celtics to get Jimmy Butler. But mostly because the Bulls were asking for every single draft pick the Celtics had until 2075 and half the roster. Then they turn around and give Butler to the Timberwolves, who were still run by Bulls’ front office arch-nemesis Tom Thibodeau last time I checked, for two players and a pick swap? Are you kidding me? Zach LaVine and Kris Dunn? Seriously? That’s all it takes? I love LaVine, but who knows what he’s gonna look like next year after his knee injury. Kris Dunn is trrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssshhhhhhhhhhh. Then they give up the 16th pick to thank the TWolves for taking their best player off their hands? And then they take Lauri Markkanen 7th overall? How can these people run an NBA team? To think the biggest display of idiocy by a front office last night didn’t involve Phil Jackson is dumbfounding. Even the Kings made good moves last night! Were the Bulls asleep? Were they drugged? Have they ever watched basketball before? Honestly, no profession in the world has more accepted incompetence than NBA GM. The morons that 90% of teams have running their billion-dollar franchises shouldn’t be trusted to manage a Bruegger’s Bagels. How can you go from asking the Celtics for absolutely everything to accepting the TWovles table scraps? And if you’re now committed to a rebuild, how do you not take someone with a higher ceiling than Lauri Markkanen? Dennis Smith, Malik Monk, OG Anunoby, even Donovan Mitchell were still there. Or, I don’t know, don’t give up your own first round pick, too and take someone like Harry Giles at 16. I just can’t believe how poorly they handled this trade. Now I’m pissed that Butler’s not on the Celtics, because apparently all they would have had to give up was Marcus Smart and Terry Rozier then swap picks. So annoying. Hey, Bulls, you stink!

Anyway, there was an actual draft last night. Most of it kind of went according to plan. No big shockers, besides maybe Malik Monk falling to number 11. Still, there’s plenty to talk about. I guess I should get used to Jayson Tatum now that a potential trade is probably off the board (I know, I can’t believe it, either). After throwing up multiple times thinking about the abomination that is St. Louis-style pizza, I was able to listen to him talk for a bit. If nothing else, at least he seems like a good guy who’s going to commit to the team. That shouldn’t be taken for granted, but I still have concerns. It doesn’t help that he’s the internet’s least favorite player.

Oh, well. Guess the Celtics are just going to punt on this year again, possibly get multiple picks in the top five, and trade both of them for future picks and take guys with no ceiling again. Sweet. Love Danny Ainge, man. Best in the business. On to what I liked and didn’t like.

Things I Liked

  • Markelle Fultz to Philadelphia
  • Dennis Smith to Dallas
  • Josh Jackson to Phoenix
  • Lavar Ball’s interviews
  • Malik Monk to Charlotte
  • All the old tweets that were dug up
  • OG Anunoby to Toronto
  • All the Kings picks (De’Aaron Fox, Justin Jackson, Harry Giles, Frank Mason)
  • All the Lakers picks besides Lonzo (Kyle Kuzma, Josh Hart, Thomas Bryant)
  • Jordan Bell to Golden State
  • The huge number of random picks that were in the stands
  • Frank Jackson to New Orleans
  • John Calipari continuing to stay ten steps ahead of every other coach

Things I Didn’t Like

  • Celtics not getting Markelle Fultz, Josh Jackson, or Jonathan Isaac
  • Jonathan Isaac going to the barren wasteland of Orlando
  • The Bulls. Literally everything they did
  • Bam Adebayo at 14
  • John Collins to Atlanta
  • Derrick White to San Antonio (I just wanted to be the only guy not praising them for this pick)
  • Devin Robinson going undrafted
  • Anyone mentally weak enough to stop watching before all 60 picks have been announced
  • Not enough Fran Fraschilla
  • Everyone’s suit is too conservative and classy now. Nothing to make fun of