For anyone not keeping track, there’s some big trouble brewing in Oakland. Like, they-should-have-called-in-Spencer-Strasmore-weeks-ago type of trouble. Khalil Mack, 2-time All Pro and former Defensive Player of the Year, is in the middle of an extended contract dispute and has yet to report to the team. This, if you can’t tell, is a bad thing. And the Raiders could not be handling it worse.
Contract hold-outs happen literally every year in the NFL. By now, every GM and ownership group should have the playbook on how to handle a disgruntled star memorized. A running back wants a new deal? If he’s over 26, good luck in your future endeavors. A middle-of-the-road QB wants some of that Sam Bradford scratch? Just hit him with the franchise tag or trade him. Your best offensive lineman wants a new deal? Remind him that you had to Google him to find out who he was before teaching him about revenue sharing. But when megastars want to get paid? Call me crazy, but I think you should usually do it.
A common theme you’ll see in many of these hold-outs is the fifth-year option first round picks have in their rookie contracts that the rest of the draft picks don’t have. For players like Mack, this essentially punishes the player for being good while allowing the teams to save money on elite talent. I’m far from the first person to say this, but just about the only non-Patriots way to build a competitive roster in the NFL is by having a core of high-level players on rookie contracts. This usually leads to teams kicking star players to the curb once the return on investment is no longer totally stacked in their favor. This, understandably, makes players unhappy (even though the players agreed to each and every contract-related thing that they constantly complain about in the last CBA, but whatever). Teams feel that they can replace expensive players with cheap players without losing much on-the-field value. This is usually true, but Mack isn’t just some guy. He’s one of the 5-10 best players in the entire NFL. No, he doesn’t play quarterback, but he’s still someone they should be bending over backwards to keep. Situations like these are where football decision making completely loses me. The salary cap keeps going up and you’re not going to get a player as good as Mack in the draft. Just pay him. Teams’ constant reluctance to pay non-QB superstars is baffling. I understand the business model. But there’s a reason 30 of the 32 teams in the league are complete shit, and this is part of it. Aaron Donald just got paid today after holding out two straight years. The Rams were acting like signing one of the greatest players in NFL history was akin to launching nuclear weapons. This is why they won’t ever win anything.
Another huge factor in all of this is that Mark Davis, Raiders owner, doesn’t have any money. This is typically a problem for owners. Between Jon Gruden’s preposterous contract, the slapdash, ill-advised move to Las Vegas, and the need to give Derek Carr $125 million (I know you have to overpay for quarterbacks, but still), Khalil Mack got lost in the shuffle. Let me reiterate: THE RAIDERS FORGOT THAT ONE OF THE BEST PLAYERS IN THE LEAGUE NEEDED A NEW CONTRACT! If I’m one of the few Raiders fans left, I’d be completely losing my mind right now. It’s just inexcusable. Now they’re asking for two first rounders, which I’d give up in a second. What are the odds of a team getting someone as good as Mack in the first round of the next two years? 5%? Less? Considering how many great players come out of the late rounds in the NFL, two first rounders for a player like Mack in his prime is nothing. You’re literally stealing one of the best players in the league. I have no idea what teams are waiting for, unless the Raiders don’t want to trade him or pay him, and would instead rather he spend eternity in franchise-tag purgatory, in which case the Raiders would spend more money than if they just gave him a deal today. It just makes no sense. This whole thing should have been resolved months ago. Instead, the best player on the team isn’t going to play for at least the first week, and might never put on the silver and black again, all because they couldn’t make up their mind and are losing more leverage every second. Remember that one season the Raiders were good again? That feels like decades ago now. If the Browns win more than three games this year, we may officially have a new contender for Laughing Stock of the League. Clean it up, Oakland.
In case you didn’t know, football is back. College football has kicked off, NFL is right around the corner. Even the staunchest of football h8trz would have to admit to getting excited about spending every second of their weekends glued to the couch watching some gridiron action. All of this means only one thing, of course- it’s Fantasy Football season. Those with long memories may remember I did a fantasy preview last year. Honestly, I just didn’t care enough this year, and nothing much has changed. Aaron Rodgers is still good. You should draft him. You’re welcome.
However, I knew I had to throw something up before we dive back into the weekly picks. And so, the perfect opportunity to revive a forgotten bit arose. Friends, I present the long-anticipated third round of the Pokémon Football Draft. If you’re new to the site or just can’t remember anything earlier than last week and don’t know how this works, please read rounds one and two first. It’s pretty simple: which Pokémon would be good at football? Don’t worry, you don’t have to do any thinking. I’ve already built big boards for all seven generations. I didn’t get the nickname “the Mel Kiper of Pokémon” by accident. I had to grind and fight, studying tape and avoiding interaction with the opposite sex until all hours of the night. This isn’t a game to me. It’s a lifestyle.
Anyway, on to the draft. The third gen is really where we start cooking with gas. Some of the best talent in league history comes out of this stacked class. I’m talking some all time greats. Legends. It’s deep, too. There’ll be no need to tank, this year. This is the best class in Pokémon football history, no questions asked. I apologize in advance for any football-related daydreams and erections this Big Board causes. On to the field. If you’ve forgotten, the lack of players means everyone’s got to play both sides.
1. Slaking (DT/DE/T)
I should clarify that this is my Big Board of best available talent, not a mock draft. Because make no mistake- barring a trade or a shocking change of heart, there’s no chance Slaking is going number one overall. The character concerns are just too extreme. A troubled youth with such a huge chip on both his shoulders that his shoulders are more chip than flesh at this point. In the wrong situation, not only will he be out of the league in two years, he’ll drag everyone in the entire organization down with him. But in the right situation? Start writing the Hall of Fame plaque now. A guaranteed all-time-great if he has his head on straight, Slaking is simply unblockable. It’s impossible to keep him from completely destroying an opponent’s gameplan. When he’s right, any play that doesn’t result in a Slaking tackle for loss is a win for the offense. He’s even a pro bowl level tackle on offense. He literally has everything. Except a reasonable work ethic.
2. Sceptile (WR/SS)
Randy Moss. That’s all that needs to be said. If he merely breaks every receiving record his career will be a disappointment. Within four years he’ll be considered the greatest receiver in league history by just about everyone, which is likely to be the only consensus opinion in today’s social media landscape. He’s just a freak. Speed, athleticism, skill. A set it and forget it prospect if there ever was one.
3. Metagross (DT/T)
If the best ability is availability, Metagross has the most ability in the draft. He just doesn’t miss games. He doesn’t miss plays, really. But he’s also got top-five-prospect-level skills to with that endurance. He’s a cornerstone player on both sides of the ball, a leader in the locker room, and one of the smartest players we’ve evaluated. Whoever drafts Metagross will thank their lucky stars for the next decade.
4. Blaziken (QB/SS)
If there’s one thing this class lacks, it’s quarterbacks. However, what’s absent in depth is more than present in pure ability. Blaziken has all the tools to be a dynamic, dual-threat quarterback that could terrorize the league. A long strider with a massive arm, he creates big plays as easily as most people breathe. Accuracy issues are there (as is a juvenile temper), but the upside is huge. In the quarterback starved PFL, someone like Blaziken will be hard to pass up.
5. Sharpedo (OLB/DE)
Listen, when you draft Sharpedo you’re not looking for versatility. You’re going to get one thing and one thing only: sacks. Sharpedo lives for sacking the quarterback, and he’s almost impossible to deny. He’s got an explosive first step and all the moves, but, more often than not, he’ll just bull rush the unfortunate tackles who can’t keep up with his speed and power. Again, don’t ask him to go out in coverage or play any offense. Just set him loose on the edge and watch him rewrite the record books.
6. Salamence (TE/DE)
The first true two-way star on the board, Salamence could easily be a pro bowl-level player on either side of the ball. A physical tight end with an absurd catch radius and a balanced defensive end who can play in any scheme against the run and pass, Salamence is just a talented football player. He doesn’t have great lateral quickness, but doesn’t need it with his raw strength and speed. A skilled blocker to go along with his receiving abilities, Salamence can own the middle of the field on offense, moving the chains at will. He’s got a nose for the ball on defense, and uses his athleticism to stand out amongst the many talented defensive linemen that populate the league.
7. Vigoroth (OLB/MLB/FS/SS/WR)
Like a ball of clay, Vigoroth can be molded into anything you want him to be on the defensive side of the ball. A freak athlete with an inexhaustible motor and a mean streak ten miles long, Vigoroth loves causing havoc and confusion. His long arms clog passing lanes, he’s quick to diagnose plays, and his active feet allow him to arrive at the ball early and with a vengeance. He’s relentlessly coachable and has a thirst for the game. The only drawbacks are his recklessness, temper, and tendency to tire himself out early in games. His passion for the game doesn’t extend to the offensive side of the ball.
8. Ninjask (WR/CB)
If he were just a little bigger, he’d be a top-five prospect. He’s the quickest player ever evaluated as well as one of the fastest, and is completely impossible to tackle in the open field. Routinely making defenders look absolutely foolish, Ninjask is a terror in the right system. He was made for the slot in an uptempo, run and gun offense, and can totally dominate underneath. Only problem? If he ever is tackled, he’ll likely wind up on the IR. Severely undersized and brittle, you’d better have a top training staff if you want to make Ninjask a focal point of the offense.
9. Aggron (T/G/DT)
Nothing you haven’t seen before, Aggron is a beast of a tackle. That doesn’t mean he won’t be a high-level player, though. A bit of a jack-of-all-trades when it comes to blocking, he’s strong but not superhumanly so, has good feet and hips but not the best, has solid hands, and has very good size. He doubles as an above average run stuffer on the other side of the ball. He’s as reliable as they come.
10. Groudon (T/TE/DE/DT)
If football games were decided when teams got off the bus, Groudon would be the best player in the league. A mountain of a player, he’s the second biggest player in the draft, but looks like if Hercules and Serena Williams had a child and then fed that child steroids for 22 years. He can practically lift the entire stadium with one hand. The only problem? He might be the slowest player in the league. He might be the slowest professional athlete of all time, really. He was able to dominate at tight end in college, but against pro defenses he’ll be much better suited to playing tackle. He’s a true space eater on defense, and pity the ballcarrier that runs directly into his path.
11. Wailord (T)
It’s pretty simple: you can’t get around him. Even if he’s a total bust, he’ll go down probably the greatest pass blocker of all time. He might never give up a sack in his career. The only problem is that he’s so big he kind of cuts off half the field. You can’t really run behind him without being swallowed up by his never-ending body. Shorter quarterbacks may struggle to see over him. He’s very, very slow. But, again, if you run a pass-first scheme Wailord eliminates many of the variables that can kill pass plays. He’s another likely Hall of Famer from this class.
12. Combusken (RB/MLB/OLB)
Another two-way star, Combusken can quickly establish himself as one of the best runningbacks and linebackers in the league. A Todd Gurley-Le’Veon Bell type three down back, Combusken gets better the more touches he gets. He’s a violent, physical runner that seems to have been plucked from a bygone era, and he can get into trouble with the new helmet safety rules. Be prepared for many fifteen yards penalties, both when he’s got the ball and when he’s making tackles. Still, he makes teams better simply by being on the field, and has an infectious energy about him.
13. Wailmer (G/DT)
Yet another massive line prospect, Wailmer prefers the thick of the interior to the perimeter. A dominating run blocker and, through sheer size, a decent pass blocker, Wailmer can be a staple at the pro bowl. He’s also a wrecking ball of a d-tackle with a thick, powerful base and a good get-off. Wailmer is Graveler without the off-the-field concerns, and the fact that he’s so low on the board tells you all you need to know about this class.
14. Swampert (DE/TE)
A prototypical hand-in-the-ground pass rusher with no love for quarterbacks, Swampert is the type of defensive end every defensive coordinator dreams of having. Blessed with ideal size and athleticism and a constant desire to improve his technique, you’ll be hard pressed to find an easier player to install into a team. He’s listed at tight end, but he’s really more of a glorified blocker than anything. Does have surprisingly soft hands, though, and is good catching in traffic, making him a good red zone target. He won’t be a sexy pick, but I’d be surprised if he wasn’t always on playoff teams.
15. Latios (WR/SS) 16. Latias (WR/FS)
It felt disingenuous to separate the sibling duo that tore up the receiving record books in college, so I’ll bunch them together. Latios and Latias are essentially identical prospects: great all-around receivers that possess good speed, great quickness, good route running, and good hands. Both have pro bowl potential with the possibility of something more, but they aren’t the game changers Sceptile and Ninjask are, and the jury is still out if they can perform at the same level if they’re on different teams. Latios is ranked one spot higher because of his greater commitment to defense.
17. Cacturne (TE/WR/DE/OLB)
One of the more intriguing offensive players in the draft, Cacturne allows offenses to achieve the 2018 football nirvana known as “Being Multiple.” A wide receiver in a tight end’s body, Cacturne is a walking matchup problem that can rip defenses up the seam or on the outside. He can line up anywhere and requires constant defensive attention. Of course, his disciplinary record precedes him. His role as the leader of the Grass University Pyramid Scheme is well known (the trial is next month), and he was recently busted for shoplifting at a Golf Galaxy. If he can survive the legal issues, he’s a top player.
18. Medicham (QB/OLB)
An intellectual, accurate quarterback that can suffer from paralysis by analysis, Medicham can probably be viewed as the PFL Alex Smith. This isn’t an insult, by the way. Medicham is conservative and doesn’t have the biggest arm, but you know what you’ll get from him: a steady hand that doesn’t make mistakes and takes the openings the defense gives him. You can win with a guy like that, especially in a league filled with so many all-or-nothing chuckers. He’ll never blow anyone away, but he won’t be the reason you lose, either. The dearth of quarterbacks obviously helps his standing.
19. Regirock (TE/T/DT/DE)
One look at Regirock tells you all you need to know about him- he’s massive and made of rock. At times a dominating defensive lineman and left tackle, he has a nasty tendency to loaf and drift through games. Like Groudon, his lack of speed will likely force a full-time move away from tight end, but he still has the latent skills to serve as a goalline option. If you have a coach that can connect with him and bring out his full effort every play, he’s great value in the second half of the draft. If not, well, at least he looks good in shorts.
20. Registeel (TE/DE)
A more nimble, less talented version of Regirock, Registeel suffers none of the character concerns of his sedimentary counterpart. He’s a football robot that cares only for this week’s all-22, but there are concerns he’s already reached his ceiling. Now, he’s still a fine player, but what you see is what you get. A C+/B- tight end and a B+/A- defensive end. At this stage in the draft, sure things become less glamorous when compared to the dice-rolls that follow, but give me someone I can count on to be the first guy in the facility every morning.
21. Kyogre (TE/DE/OLB)
My high school football coach used to say that someone looked like Tarzan and played like Jane if their production didn’t match their physical stature. Yes, it’s 2018 so we can’t say that anymore, but the fact remains that it describes Kyogre perfectly. All the tools are there for an elite player, it’s just a matter of whether or not he’s tough enough and wants to work hard enough to maximize them. In college, he got by on size and talent alone. In the pros, it’ll take a little more if he wants to be considered one of the best, which, all things considered, he really should be. Rumors of a Fortnite addiction may scare away traditional coaches.
22. Grovyle (RB/WR/CB)
Another Swiss Army Knife of a player, Grovyle is just someone you want to get the ball to, no matter where he lines up. A natural running back, he flashed enough receiving skills at the combine to kickstart the imaginations of every offensive coordinator who ever watched Dexter McCluster highlights. He’s even got enough of an arm to be used as Wildcat QB (the PFL is about seven years behind the NFL strategy wise). Good in the return game, as well. Doesn’t offer much besides depth at corner.
23. Flygon (CB/S/WR)
An excellent cover corner with ideal recovery speed, fluid hips, and ball skills, the only thing lacking from Flygon’s game is seemingly confidence. After being beat deep twice in the fourth quarter of the National Championship Game two years ago, Flygon had a crisis of faith. To start the year, he was biting on every pump fake, he was losing assignments, he was dropping easy interceptions, and he was out of position constantly. Ironically enough, it was only a shift to receiver that started to get his mind right again. Flashed some of his true ability in the final weeks of the season, but questions remain about his mental toughness.
24. Rayquaza (WR/TE/S)
In addition to a pure evaluation of talent, part of this exercise is to project future success. It’s still unknown if Rayquaza will ever play in the league, which is why he is shockingly low on the board. With enough raw talent to be a top ten pick in any draft, Rayquaza is still taking at least two years off to go on a religious mission. People won’t want to hear it, but this obviously makes most coaches question his commitment to the game. He’s also going to be pursing a master’s degree while away, which raises even more concerns that Rayquaza, one of the most dominant offensive and defensive players in college football, may never play a down in the PFL. Not saying anything about his decision, but I, for one, wouldn’t want to turn down all that money. All those impoverished children are still gonna be there in ten years.
25. Metang (OLB/DE/MLB/RB)
A slower Clay Matthews if Clay Matthews actually still played football, Metang is versatile enough to line up at defensive end or any linebacker spot. He lacks consistency and can disappear at times, but when he flashes, he flashes big time. He creates turnovers at will and will lead the league in tackles at least once. A running back in name only.
26. Meditite (RB/CB)
Whereas previous draft classes were heavy on line prospects, we’re finally seeing the skill positions fill out. Meditite ran for over 2,000 yards last season and he has a fringe third round grade. Just shows what kind of talent is in this class. Meditite is all about quickness, and, while he may never get 30 carries a game, there’s no reason to believe he can’t have 700 yards rushing and 60 catches in a season.
27. Zangoose (G/MLB/OLB)
Though undersized and possibly better suited for a more glamorous position, Zangoose refuses to stop playing guard. Many may see this as admirable, I consider it a little pig-headed. He’s proved skeptics wrong at every level, sure, but you’re telling me Zangoose is supposed to block Golem? I don’t see it. What I do see, however, is a sideline to sideline linebacker who can step in and be a leader day one. If he focused on defense, he could have a long and successful career. Just give up being a guard, dude.
28. Absol (DE/OLB)
A pretty one-dimensional pass rusher, Absol will give you exactly what you think he will when you draft him. Could round out his game and become an every down player, but, at the start, will be little more than a situational pass rusher. He can still make an impact, however.
29. Regice (T/DT)
The slowest, least talented, and least durable of the trio, Regice can still carve out his place in the league because of his high work ethic. He’ll never be an all pro, but can be more than serviceable as a right tackle or rotation defensive lineman. Is perhaps best suited to a veteran mentor role, the biggest challenge he’ll face will be becoming a veteran.
30. Hariyama (DT/T)
A beefy, space-eating nose tackle, Hariyama will always grade out as a superior run defender. It’s just a matter of if he’ll ever be anything more than that. Based on his combine performance, I’d say probably not.
31. Tropius (T/DE/DT)
Like Rayquaza, Tropius’s off-the-field pursuits have scouts questioning his dedication. However, unlike Rayquaza, Tropius is actually still playing. His fashion label may be picking up steam despite his standing as a middle of the road prospect, but it’s doubtful that will have any real impact on his ability to have a full career. At the very least, he’ll look good while playing.
32. Marshtomp (FB/MLB/OLB)
The fullback isn’t quite dead yet, and Marshtomp is easily the best lead blocker in the draft. He brings the wood when he blocks and has soft hands, to boot. He’s just not a particularly good athlete. He lacks the speed to ever be a true difference maker on defense, but at least he’ll always go 100%.
Folks, this NFL preseason has my blood boiling. I can’t believe the product I’m watching on the field is actually called football. After my years and years of dedication to this game I love, the NFL may finally have lost this fan. And all because of this god awful helmet rule. No, not the one all you small-brained people have been complaining about ad nauseam for weeks. I’m talking about the far more impactful one: the banning of certain helmet types, most notably the Ridell VSR-4. That’s what Thomas Edward Patrick Brady has worn since he entered the league.
Now, in addition to the NFL willingly removing the players’ free will and autonomy, this is clearly yet another attempt by the NFL front office to rock the boat in New England. Outside of, like, three random games in 2011, Brady’s worn the same helmet in every single game of his career. It’s his signature look. It strikes fear into the hearts of the NFL. If you see a quarterback wearing a Ridell VSR-4, you know you’re about to lose in horrifying fashion. But now, because Goodell is desperately trying to do anything in his power to unseat the yearly de facto AFC champion, Brady needs a new look. Tom Brady is a 40-year-old man. If you ask him to change his style, you might as well just ask him to die.
Now stuck sporting a Ridell SpeedFlex, Tom Brady goes into this season, for the first time since 2001, with some uncertainty about his standing in the league. This new, unfamiliar helmet could completely destroy everything he’s worked for. The NFL’s draconian decree that some helmet types are now outlawed, on the surface just a paper-thin attempt to cover their own ass, is obviously a shot at the reigning league MVP. I’m forced to imagine a universe where Adam Silver tells players LeBron James shoes are no longer allowed or Rob Manfred instructing the league that whatever glove webbing Mike Trout uses is officially illegal. I can’t make it more than two seconds into the thought experiment before it gets too absurd. To try and think of other leagues trying to drag their signature players into the mud is completely preposterous. And yet, for the thousandth year in a row, the NFL is doing everything short of sending assassins to the TB12 compound. Goodell legitimately wants Brady dead, and he’s done more to grow the game than any player in NFL history. Just makes you think if the current leadership really has the league’s best interest at heart.
In all my years, this might be the slowest summer I can remember. There’s nothing going on. The NFL training camp storylines are all boring, repetitive, or depressing. Baseball is just kind of there until the playoff race. NBA free agency came and went. The only major story is the Ohio State situation which…..yeah I think I’m good on that. The real world’s been pretty dry, too. No crazy fast food items, no funny science articles, no nothing. As a result, I’ve been quite bored. And in my boredom, rather than try new things or make progress on my theoretical career, I’ve turned to an old friend of mine, G Gundam. It’s my favorite show of all time, and I’ve watched it in it’s entirety at least seven times. But I just can’t get enough. It’s silly, it’s over-the-top, it’s melodramatic, and almost definitely wouldn’t be put on the air in 2018. Really the only thing you need to know is that there’s a giant horse robot that’s piloted by an actual horse. But every few years, I’m drawn back to it. Yes, it’s a ridiculous super-robot show about gundams fighting for control of the universe, but’s it’s so much more than that. It’s a story about love, loss, and that human moment where you learn your parents/ the people that raised you aren’t perfect, after all, and it has one of the best casts of characters you’ll ever find. And it totally leans in and embraces the absurdity of itself. I could literally talk about G Gundam for days on end.
But on to the topic at hand. Among the many reasons why I love G Gundam so much (alongside the beautiful character designs, countless emotional scenes, and the fact that it’s one of the rare cases where the dub is far superior to the original Japanese) is that the soundtrack is pure heat. Every song and composition is an absolute banger, and that includes both of its opening songs. It got me wondering if both songs would rank in the top ten of anime opening theme songs. So, I decided to introduce yet another segment literally only I care about, the Top Ten Anime Opening Songs of All Time.
Before I begin, I must make it clear: I’m only including shows I’ve seen. I’m sure that one random show you watched on Crunchyroll the other week has a fire opening song, but I haven’t seen it, so it’d be disingenuous for me to include it. And while I’ve likely watched more anime than the average person, my knowledge is far from encyclopedic. So, again, that show that no one watched but you loved isn’t on my radar. Sorry. As for actual criteria, it’s pretty simple: is the song good? Is the song catchy? Does the song insert random English words? If the answer to all of these is yes, odds are it’ll make the list. The quality of the actual show doesn’t matter. As with all of my lists, if you disagree it just means you have incorrect opinions.
10. Outlaw Star
A criminally underrated member of the Toonami class of anime that aired in the early 2000s, Outlaw Star‘s opening song is a slice of late 90s music that concludes with a deliciously forced English phrase. I’m a sucker for space operas so I was naturally drawn to Outlaw Star, but a song that made me want to go to a Lenny Kravitz concert every week didn’t exactly keep my devotion at bay. Could have benefitted from a second season, though.
Finally, a song for all the teens out there that no one understands, especially not their annoying stepfathers. God, this song is angsty. Almost too angsty for the list, but I included it, anyway- mostly because it’d be hard to find a song that fits a show’s general vibe more than this. Death Note is a pretty basic bitch answer when it comes to best anime (is the plural anime or animes? I never know), but that’s because (the first half) is great and everyone should watch it. Just hide the sharp objects during the opening.
8. Seven Deadly Sins First Opening
Seven Deadly Sins is a goofy-ass show (yes, and manga. I know 90% of these are based on manga that I haven’t read. Don’t be that guy) that’s essentially a send-up of classic fantasy tropes while also being a pretty standard fantasy story. It also has a flaming hot opening song. They changed it halfway through for reasons I don’t fully understand, but it’s really just bad luck that this song isn’t much higher. Guess it’s true what they say: there’s a lot of good music out there.
Need more choirs in my opening theme songs. I’ll say this: no show’s theme song has ever made a show sound as important as Attack on Titan‘s. Feel like the fate of my non-Titan infested world is at stake just watching it. Like if I don’t press play on that next episode evil wins. That’s a powerful incentive to keep watching.
I know, I know. The “Digimon: digital monsters” song holds a special place in my heart, too. But the Japanese version is objectively 100000000 times better. I’m neither a sub nor dub purist, but when the American versions of shows take out fire openings like this it makes me wonder why you’d even bother airing the show, in the first place. I’ll save my thoughts on why the Digimon show universe is far superior to the Pokemon show universe since I realize I can only go so deep into my own brain before I lose everyone completely.
“G Gundam is only number five? I thought you just went on and on about how good the music was!” Fear not, friend. As I said, G Gundam has two opening songs. Be patient and enjoy some truly elite-level English phrase insertion. Most anime theme songs go for intensity or ear-worm-ability (is English actually my second language, too? You’ll never know), “I Trust You Forever” hits you with the sentimentality. Get you a show that does absolutely everything.
A little different than pretty much every anime song ever, I love Bebop‘s jazz-centric soundtrack. Really gives it that noir-feel. Cowboy Bebop is an absolute must-watch if you haven’t seen it already. It’s pretty much Firefly if Firefly wasn’t on network TV and wasn’t bound by the shackles of live-action. The opening theme fits in perfectly. A memorable and influential song for a memorable and influential show.
3. Death Parade
Death Parade is a decent show about the afterlife. Death Parade has an absolute BANGER for their opening theme. It’s absurd how catchy this song is. I want to live inside this song because it’d be so much fun. It’s the biggest gap between opening theme quality and show quality in television history. Actually, no it’s not. That title goes to….
2. Pokemon First Season
I’ve probably gone into this before, but I hate the show. Ash SUCKS and I want Pikachu dead. I guess I’m too big of a game purist. That being said, only the staunchest hater and biggest stick in the mud can deny the power of the Pokemon theme song. It’s the GOAT English song opening in anime history, and is probably in the top ten for all TV. The remix from the first movie is scalding hot, as well. If only Gary was the main character (this might not be the last Pokemon related content of the summer. Hmmmmmm).
Let me tell you about how dominant the G Gundam soundtrack is. If I was to make a list of the top ten ending songs in anime history, guess which show would have two in the top ten? The answer is G Gundam, if you couldn’t tell. This is the unquestioned GOAT opening theme in television history. I won’t listen to any arguments to the contrary. It has it all: it’s catchy, it’s upbeat, it has a ton of random English phrases. I put the full song because it’s so hot, but the shortened version that’s paired with the video is iconic, too (mostly because it spoils large portions of the plot). Actually, I’ll just include that, too.
It’s just the best. Period. End of story. Nothing will ever top the G Gundam opening theme song. Did I mention that Domon Kasshu, the main character, is thicc as hell, too?
I can’t think of a better set of endorsements for a show than what I’ve just laid out. If you don’t want to watch G Gundam after all this, I don’t know what to tell you.
Absolutely astonishing news has just crossed the Brian’s Den News Desk. The kind of news that shakes the very fabric of society. I can assure you, you’ll forever remember when and where you first heard this. I’m sorry in advance for shattering your entire world view, but I’ve just learned that Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series.
As startling as it may seem, it is indeed true. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series. I can barely believe it, myself. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series. To think that someone who performs at the highest level of his profession started playing early in life is crazy enough, but that a future Major League Baseball player would be considerably better than his young peers? Excuse me? What a story. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series.
For those who don’t know (count me among them, because everything about this story is blowing my mind), the Little League World Series is played in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. Last night MLB had their Little League Classic, which is also played in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. The Mets played in this game. Todd Frazier is on the Mets. Unbeknownst to me, this was not the first time Todd Frazier had played a baseball game in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series, which is a fact I’m still trying to wrap my head around.
Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series for Toms River, New Jersey, which, in the cosmic sense of things, is close to New York City, the city in which he currently plays. The story keeps getting stranger, but stick with me for a moment. Last season, he played for the Yankees, who also play in New York City. After playing in the Little League World Series for Toms River, New Jersey, Todd Frazer got to meet the Yankees, particularly Derek Jeter. There’s photo evidence to prove it to the all the doubting Thomases out there who share my struggles in believing such an outlandish story:
I just can’t believe something like this escaped my knowledge for so long. I mean, I’m a pretty plugged-in guy. Nary a minor sports storyline goes unnoticed in the Brian’s Den, and yet, here we are. It’s August 20th, 2018, and I just learned that Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series. I guess it’s true what they say: you’re never too old to learn that Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series.
(It should go without saying, but I’m very triggered right now and that I hope Todd Frazier dies an excruciating death because this is my least favorite sports story of all time. WE KNOW TODD FRAZIER PLAYED IN THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES!!!! WE’VE KNOWN FOR 20 YEARS, NOW!!!!! STOP ACTING LIKE THIS IS BREAKING NEWS!!!!!! EVERY TIME TODD FRAZIER’S STUPID FACE IS PUT ON TELEVISION THEY HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO US HOW HE PLAYED IN THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES. WE KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOMS RIVER, NEW JERSEY IS A COMPLETE DUMP AND NOTHING GOOD HAS EVER COME OUT OF THERE, INCLUDING TODD FRAZIER’S UGLY-ASS SWING. TODD FRAZIER IS SINGLEHANDEDLY TRYING TO RUIN THE GAME OF BASEBALL FOR EVERYONE. But it’s okay, though, because he played in the Little League World Series.)
Me when someone asks if I knew Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series:
Some of you may remember I recently declared that I was about to save Applebee’s. That by testing the limits of their All You Can Eat Chicken Tenders I would create enough buzz to bring the casual dining chain back from the brink of millennial-fueled extinction. I am sad to report Applebee’s has spit in my face and told me they would not like my help.
I said I would go last week to film a video. Hand up, that’s on me. Life got in the way (I really just didn’t feel like it, but if you just say life got in the way no one ever questions it) and I couldn’t Eat Good in My Neighborhood. But I had today circled on my calendar. I was going to get a haircut (I finally found my New York City person. Very difficult thing for white people) and head on down to ‘bee’s for as much chicken as I could shovel into my gullet. It was a nice day I had planned out for myself. Only thing is, when I get to Applebee’s, they tell me they’re no longer doing All You Can Eat Chicken. I couldn’t believe it. I was stunned. Floored, even. You’ve never seen someone leave a restaurant as fast as I left that Applebee’s.
People may think I’m mad. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Does it suck that I lost a good video that would have gotten thousandshundreds dozens of views? Yeah, it does. But I’m not disappointed for my sake. My brand will survive this. Applebee’s won’t. I don’t know if they were worried they couldn’t stock enough chicken to appease me or just have a long-standing grudge against the Brian’s Den, but for whatever reason they decided they wouldn’t allow me to save them. As I said in the first post, I grew up on Applebee’s. Spent many a night at the Rutland, Vermont location. It was the closest thing we had to big city living. Knowing that, theoretically, someone in L.A. or Texas or New York could be having the same meal as I was eating opened my eyes to just how small our country really is. And it’s sad to see them like this. They’re dying. Everyone can see they need help. And yet, they’re too proud to grab the hand being held out to them. To see that a popular social media influencer has interest in doing a video at one of your restaurants and have your reaction be removing the promotion that drew him in is classic self-destructive behavior. I tried to help once, and Applebee’s turned me away. If they want to go down in flames, I won’t stop them. At some point, some people just refuse to be helped. I’m just sad it had to end this way. Rest in peace, Applebee’s. Coach Taylor and I will never forget you.
It’s summer. One could even say it’s the Dog Days of Summer. That means it’s hot. Real hot. Sweltering, in fact. Just the thought of leaving the comfort of my home and facing the unbearable city streets makes me want to puke. I’m already sweating. I’m sure glad I can wear shorts to make it all a little easier to deal with. Wait, what’s that? “Grown men can’t wear shorts?” Oh, right. I forgot.
What a load of horseshit. I’m not a big genocide guy, but if you sincerely believe men should not be allowed to wear shorts I hope you die. Painfully. It’s so stupid that we still have a stigma against comfort in the year 2018. If you Google “men shorts” you’ll get countless thinkpieces with titles like “Why Some Men Won’t Wear Shorts,” or “Is It Okay for Men to Wear Shorts?” or “Why the 50s Were Great for Absolutely Everyone in America, All Because Men Wore PANTS LIKE MEN!!!!” and I’m sick of it. Like, who cares???????? I’m legitimately asking because I want to know the type of person who gets triggered by seeing *gasp* a man’s calves. Imagine body shaming someone in 2018? And body shaming calves, in general? Talk about an inoffensive body part. You’re going to get bent out of shape because you saw some dude’s calves when it’s 98° with 80% humidity? Please tell me more. Not to be this guy, but women can wear whatever they want, whenever they want. Let’s bring men’s fashion standards into the 21st century, please.
If your gripe with shorts is that pants look better, I won’t really fight you on that. I run very hot and need shorts to survive, but I’m willing to concede the wrong pair of shorts with the wrong outfit can look rough. But if it’s some philosophical thing? You can go to hell. “It makes you look like a little kid!” So? You know who enjoys their lives more than 99.99999% of adults? Little kids. Maybe emulating them isn’t the worst thing ever? Just throwing it out there. “It isn’t professional.” This really triggers me. Doesn’t look professional according to who, exactly? The tastemakers who set men’s fashion trends 200 years ago that, for some reason, have never been updated? Really applicable today. People think suits look professional because society has told them suits look professional. Suits aren’t inherently better for business, or anything. Really, they’re quite impractical. It shouldn’t take more than a minute to put clothes on, and jackets in this heat have to take 20 years off your life. If some aristocrat in Edwardian England said shorts are the best thing to wear to your noon HR meeting, guess what you’d be wearing to work everyday? Shorts! I don’t understand why more people don’t realize how fake and arbitrary the majority of our societal norms really are (as a side note, and I realize I’m probably outing myself as a non-successful poor person, but who cares about looking professional. Like, do you really think you’re so important that you have to wear a suit and tie 100% of the time or else someone might think you don’t mean business? Make your own reputation, don’t let your clothes make it for you. Whoa, just got pretty deep, there). Why can’t you wear shorts in the club (talk about taking yourself too seriously)? Why can’t you wear shorts to work? Why can’t you wear shorts to GO GOLFING?!?!?!? I’m so tired of it. It’s 2018, wear what you want (as long as it’s not a knit hat).
Listen, I know people that never wear shorts. Jean/pants in summer guys. And I just can’t wrap my mind around it. Why would you willingly make yourself more uncomfortable? Are you that self-conscious about your legs (I hate the anti-men’s legs crowd. They’re just legs, bro. Everyone’s got ’em)? In that case I’d say grow up and that no one cares about your legs. Or are you afraid of what society will think of you because of the stigma currently surrounding shorts? Because then I blame all of you people. So intent on keeping all the men of the world down that you make them think having sweaty-ass legs is the manly thing to do. SMH. It’s time to end the discrimination. #FreetheCalf2018. Spread the word. Big changes start with the smallest thoughts.
Welcome, friends, to the 2018-19 English Premier League season. If you’re thinking last season just ended, it did– soccer offseasons last about three weeks, particularly in World Cup years. Oh, yeah, the World Cup happened this year, didn’t it? I bet you watched it, didn’t you? Yes, you, the one reading this right now. You got so hooked on futbol that you’re looking to latch on to a Premier League team, aren’t you? After all, not only is the Premier League the richest and deepest league in the world, it’s also the most easily consumable for American audiences. Thus, following the Premier League is fun. Waking up Saturdays and Sundays and having sports before the sports you already watched is a true joy. I’m glad you’re on board. No offense to all those other rinky-dink leagues like the Bundesliga or La Liga or Serie A or Ligue 1, but you’ll find no Messi or Ronaldo talk in this space. This is all about helping you, the neophyte, find your new club to support every time they take the pitch (learn the lingo, plz. That’s step one). This is an important decision in a person’s life, and one that shouldn’t be made willy-nilly. Watch a few games. Find out which players or playing styles you like or dislike. Look inside yourself and determine how much you care about other people’s opinions and how much you hate yourself (spoiler alert: I rank highly on both scales). And, most importantly, read this guide again and again. These are all the reasons you should root (or not root) for all twenty Premier League teams. Choose wisely.
Arsenal– 2017/18 finish: 6th
Why Pick Arsenal? Do you like theoretical greatness? Do you like teams that play aesthetically pleasing, attacking styles that always seem to fall apart at the worst times? Do you prefer your players small and injury prone? Do you like funny fan reaction videos? Then Arsenal is the team for you! Arsenal can be low-hanging fruit in recent years, but this is still a stacked roster and there’s only so bad they can be. There’s also no telling how good they can be if everyone has their heads on straight (far from a guarantee).
Best Player: Kind of a hard choice on this team but I’ll say Mesut Özil, who is mercurial as they come, or so the press would have you believe. He’s also one of the most talented playmakers in the world and can make passes few players can. Even with all the attacking talent on this team, Arsenal goes as he goes.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you wanted to pick a Big Six team but wanted to do it ironically. Also, you’ll be called a bandwagon jumper if you don’t have at least fifteen “Wenger out” tweets in your history.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot. Arsenal is in the unenviable position of facing huge expectations every year despite a lack of recent results. Call it Cowboys Syndrome. It’s a no-win situation barring a league title, and, spoiler alert, they’re not winning the league this year.
How Good Will They Be? If everyone was just sick of erstwhile manager Arsène Wenger and his old school approach and will play harder and be more focused now, they’ve got the quality to land a Champions League spot. But what if Wenger was the only stabilizing force keeping the whole thing from falling completely apart?
Bournemouth– 2017/18 finish: 12th
Why Pick Bournemouth? If cherry is your favorite flavor, have I got some news for you! Also always wind up playing a bunch of randomly exciting games and usually give the big boys a hard time.
Best Player: Don’t necessarily have one guy so let’s say Simon Francis since he’s the captain and their most important defender.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you picked the most random team you could find.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Not much. Bournemouth has settled nicely into a nice mid-table niche, free from any and all pressure. As long as you’re okay with not winning.
How Good Will They Be? Probably exactly the same as last year.
Brighton & Hove Albion– 2017/18 finish: 15th
Why Brighton? Because Lewis Dunk tied the record for most own goals in a season, which is a perfect metaphor for willingly choosing a team like Brighton.
Best Player: Lewis Dunk for the aforementioned record.
What Will Other People Think of You? That irony is a large part of your personality.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? As much as someone who supports the whimsically named Seagulls can.
How Good Will They Be? Not particularly.
Burnley– 2017/18 finish: 7th
Why Pick Burnley? You know how every year there’s an NFL team that uses a weak schedule to build a falsely-impressive record, and then everyone picks them the next year as a dark-horse contender, only now they have a tougher schedule and the weight of expectations so they struggle? This is Burnley.
Best Player: James Tarkowski. Picking a defender as a team’s best player isn’t quite as abstract as saying an offensive lineman is an NFL team’s best player, but still, I dare you to tell me Tarkowski isn’t good. What do you know about good defending? You’re just a n00b. Probably think it’s called soccer, or something.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re preposterously self-conscious. You clearly wanted a winner but didn’t want the stigma of picking a Big Six team. It’s okay to admit you like watching the best teams, man. Just pick United.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Probably a lot. Jumping on board in the post-surprise season is always risky, especially now that they have to play Europa League games, too.
How Good Will They Be? Won’t get relegated or anything, but to expect another top-7 performance is lunacy.
Cardiff City– 2017/18 finish: 2nd (in Championship)
Why Pick Cardiff City? Why indeed.
Best Player: I could literally say any name here and you’d believe me. I could make up a name and you wouldn’t know. If I said Cardiff City’s best player was Junior Hoilett, you’d just accept it as fact.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you were literally born and raised in Cardiff.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Clearly not much if you can afford to invest so little in sports that you’re picking Cardiff City as your EPL team.
How Good Will They Be? Next year we’ll look back in surprise and ask “Cardiff City was in the Premier League?!?”
Chelsea– 2017/18 finish: 5th
Why Pick Chelsea? You love emotional roller coasters, you love seeing young players succeed on other teams after you give up on them, you like shady Russian businessmen, you think defense wins championships and stats are for losers, blue is your favorite color, you’re only happy when the players on your team are unhappy and in open rebellion against the coach.
Best Player: N’Golo Kanté. Imagine Lionel Messi, but instead of scoring goals he took the ball from the other team.
Other Best Player:
What Will Other People Think of You? That you think you’re smarter than everyone because you picked the least aesthetically pleasing Big Six team, or that you think you’re smarter than everyone because you watched Napoli when they were flying high (their new manager comes from Napoli, where they scored at will), when in reality you just remember Didier Drogba was good in FIFA.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Even with all the drama, they’ve still won two of the last four titles, so clearly not that much.
How Good Will They Be? Legit don’t know where the scoring comes from if/when Eden Hazard leaves, so a spot in the Champions League might be in jeopardy this year.
Crystal Palace– 2017/18 finish: 11th
Why Pick Crystal Palace? Because you consider http://www.briansden69.com your favorite website! Join me in supporting Crystal Palace if you dare (just kidding, don’t. I like it better when I’m the only one that likes something). Why did I pick Palace? Because when I got back into soccer I needed a team, and I thought Crystal Palace was the coolest team name I’d ever heard. Since all my American teams were among the best teams in their respective leagues (and still are), I knew I couldn’t pick a Big Six team, lest I be accused of front-running, a deep fear of mine. As such, I committed to Crystal Palace. As an added bonus, they’re in London and have a good amount of money, so they won’t ever really be that bad!
Best Player: Wilfred Zaha. Walmart Neymar is the end-all, be-all for the Palace attack. If he gets hurt/regresses in any way, they’re gonna have some ugly, ugly games.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re smart, funny, handsome, strong, have good taste, is really fun to be around, have a ton of friends, have a ton of confidence, have a rich and fulfilling personal life, definitely aren’t kind of a loser who plays too many video games and feels like they’ve wasted large portions of their life, and that you kind of picked a team at random.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot. Think of Crystal Palace as an NBA team that’s always the 7th seed. They should be better than the teams that are treading water and staying in the league, aren’t even in the same zip code as the Big Six, and have no real way to get better. But we have the GOAT studio host Rebecca Lowe, though.
How Good Will They Be? Anything above 9th is a great season, so expect a nice 12th place finish.
Everton– 2017/18 finish: 8th
Why Pick Everton? You’re addicted to rooting for teams who are on the verge of taking “the leap” every year but never really do.
Best Player: They’d better hope it’s new addition Richarlison because they spent a lotttttttt of money on him. They spent a lot of money, in general, actually.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you have a closet full of Landon Donovan and Tim Howard jerseys.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You are a danger to yourself. Everton has disappointed on expectations roughly 1,000,000,000 seasons in a row and is usually depressing when they do it. Last season was particularly bleak, so much so that I was stunned they still finished 8th. Don’t bother learning the names of the managers, they tend not to last long. They’re also sponsored by Umbro, which is a bad sign.
How Good Will They Be? They’re likely to be the best non-Big Six team, and made a few legitimately interesting moves during the summer. A Europa League spot should be attainable, barring a typical Everton malaise.
Fulham-2017/18 finish: 3rd (in Championship)
Why Pick Fulham? You’re a big Jags fan, you remember Clint Dempsey (USA had a soccer team, once), you want to root in a team from a posh area, you like boring jerseys.
Best Player: Young winger Ryan Sessegnon. He’s the apple of many huge teams’ eye, but he’s still in West London (for now).
What Will Other People Think of You? That you’re either a Jags fan or remember Clint Dempsey.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Choosing a newly promoted team likely to stay up shows a healthy level of self-love, because it shows you’re easy to please and don’t care too much.
How Good Will They Be? Okay.
Huddersfield Town– 2017/18 finish: 16th
Why Pick Huddersfield? I honestly don’t know why you would.
Best Player: Aaron Mooy, who answers the age old question, “what if Jonjo Shelvey wasn’t raised by meth dealers?” (soccer guys will get that)
What Will Other People Think of You? That you only brought up the fact that you like Huddersfield to trigger a “oh, I’m sorry,” response.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Willingly attaching yourself to a dead-team walking is an interesting strategy, to be sure. I guess you just want to feel any emotion at all, even if it’s the stinging loss of a relegation season.
How Will They Be? How do I put this? Umm, well son, Huddersfield isn’t dead, they just went to live in a farm upstate with the rest of his family.
Leicester City– 2017/18 finish: 9th
Why Pick Leicester? I’ll be honest, I couldn’t pick Leicester. I don’t have nearly enough self-confidence to constantly deal with accusations of frontrunning. It’s been three years, now, but the high of the most unexpected title in sports history is still there. It completely defines the team, as it should. Actual Leicester fans are good for life, now. Literally nothing can take away the fact that they, a random, non-Big Six team, won a title in a sport designed to keep the little guys down. Jumping on now just seems counter-intuitive. They also might not be very good this year.
Best Player: Jamie Vardy. Dominated in their title season and was quietly fourth in the league in goals last year, guy just knows how to score goals and start bar fights.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you still listen to “Took a Pill in Ibiza.”
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? I don’t know. Probably not that much if you’re so comfortable with your own ignorance that you don’t understand that they will never ever ever ever ever ever have a season like 15/16 again.
How Good Will They Be? They won’t get relegated, or anything, but they keep losing players, including Riyad Mahrez, their former best player. This season won’t be anything to write home about.
Liverpool– 2017/18 finish: 4th
Why Pick Liverpool? They’d be the team I’d pick, were I not already committed to #PalaceLife. They’re exciting, have a distinct playing style (Jurgen Klopp is one of the Managers You Need to Know), have one of the best players in the world, have a fun song, and have a ton of history. They’re also owned by the same people that own the Red Sox, if that changes your opinion (I despite Tom Werner and John Henry with a passion, and always will no matter how many World Series the Sox win under them).
Best Player: Mo Salah, who just set the record for goals scored in a 38-game Premier League season. He’s good.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you like Big 12 football, that you’re trying to get on the train early, that you might be a hooligan in training, that you’re probably easily triggered online, that you like to say “27 ringzzz,” that you think Steven Gerrard was better than Xavi.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Not much, because Liverpool is probably the most entertaining team in the Premiership and could make a title run this season.
How Good Will They Be? Could suffer a post-hype decline, but in a world where Manchester City didn’t exist, they might be title favorites.
Manchester City– 2017/18 finish: 1st
Why Pick City? They just had the best season ever, so that could be a deciding factor. They’ve turned the art of goalscoring into a coldly efficient science that could, if viewed through a cynical lens, sap the joy out of the game.
Best Player: Kevin De Bruyne, who is rapidly rising the All-Time Ginger Athletes list. Another exceptional season could see him challenge Brian Scalabrine.
What Will Other People Think of You? Whoo, boy. Picking United is one thing. Picking City means you will get literally no respect from anyone. It might be the worst team you can pick from an intelligentsia point of view. They’re the definition of nouveau-riche, have no history (no good history, at least), and are the perfect bandwagon team. If you can’t prove you were there when they weren’t even in the top flight, don’t bother.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? I envy your self-confidence. A new money team coming off the best season in league history that spends more money than any non-Manchester team in Europe? Couldn’t be me picking them, that’s for sure.
How Good Will They Be? They’ll win the title.
Manchester United– 2017/18 finish: 2nd
Why Pick United? Alright, I know that even you know Manchester United. It’s the most popular team in the world, and for good reason. Just not lately. Because Jose Mourinho (another Manager You Need to Know) sucks the life out of teams then blames everyone else when things don’t go his way. But, hey, they still finished 2nd last year. Also probably the coolest roster top-to-bottom.
Best Player: Paul Pogba, who you surely remember from the World Cup. He was on France! And they won! He’s one of the most talented players in the world, and, when given literally any freedom at all, can totally dominate games. The only problem is Jose never gives him freedom and randomly benches him. Such is life.
What Will People Think of You? That you’re probably also a Yankees-Cowboys-Lakers fan.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? It’s not so much how much you hate yourself, it’s how much everyone else hates you. When you, Manchester United fan, complain about not winning a title in five years next to Huddersfield Town guy you look pretty bad.
How Good Will They Be? They’ll finish 2nd or 3rd.
Newcastle United– 2017/18 finish: 10th
Why Pick Newcastle? If you love owners who inject themselves into every story, both because of their stubbornness in doing things Their Way and their general ineptitude, have I got a team for you! If you pick Newcastle, you’d better learn everything there is to know about Mike Ashley, because you are going to hate him.
Best Player: Jonjo Shelvey, who answers the age old question, “what if Aaron Mooy was raised by meth dealers?”
What Will Other People Think of You? Probably just that you like Newcastle beer.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You are crying for help. No team is a bigger roller coaster than Newcastle, and Ashley will never let it not be so.
How Good Will They Be? Pretty decent, if I had to guess.
Southampton– 2017/18 finish: 17th
Why Pick Southampton? Don’t. They had a great run earlier this decade by virtue of one of the best youth programs in England. That program has dried up and all the good players they produced are gone. They’re not long for this world.
Best Player: I guess James Ward-Prowse because he’s good at free kicks and free kicks are cool.
What Will Other People Think of You? Probably that you’re a weirdo for picking Southampton.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Very much. Only a glutton for punishment would take a team like this at this stage in their history.
How Good Will They Be? Bad. Very, very bad.
Tottenham Hotspur– 2017/18 finish: 3rd
Why Pick Tottenham? Tottenham is like the Falcons: high flying, fun to watch, capable of moments of utter brilliance, one of the best all-around teams in the league, and will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever win anything. It’s just not in their DNA. No Community Shields. No Carabao Cups. No FA Cups. Certainly no European titles. And, of course, no league titles. If you want that constant tease of being the best team not to win, be my guest.
Best Player: Harry Kane. The World Cup’s Golden Boot winner was pissed he was denied a third straight Premier League Golden Boot last season. He’ll come back with a vengeance.
What Will Other People Think of You? That you drink yourself to sleep every night.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? In a weird way, not really. Much like the Cubs and Red Sox, at a certain point not winning becomes your identity and you don’t want to win the title. After all, if you lost the losing, what’s left to live for?
How Good Will They Be? For much of the season they’ll be within striking distance of the top, only to lose one or two key games that cost them a Champions League spot.
Watford– 2017/18 finish: 14th
Why Pick Watford? You like Elton John, right? Of course you do. Everyone likes Elton John. “Rocket Man,” “Tiny Dancer,” “Daniel?” Can’t beat it. Elton John likes Watford, you know. Used to own them.
Best Player: Elton John. The famous songsmith had a good season in front of goal last season, racking up 15 goals. He’s looking to build on that and is reportedly in the best shape of his life.
What Will Other People Think of You? That Saturday Night is your favorite time of the week.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? You get so mad watching your team you’ve created an alter-ego named “The Bitch.”
How Good Will They Be? I fear the Sun will go down on Watford this season.
West Ham United– 2017/18 finish: 13th
Why Pick West Ham? Tertiary Harry Potter character Dean Thomas is a West Ham fan, so there’s that. No, I didn’t look that up. It’s been in my brain for like, fifteen years. I retain information well, deal with it.
Best Player: Call me crazy, but I kind of like this roster, particularly newly acquired midfielder Felipe Anderson. They badly needed a new midfield presence this year, and he should provide a bit of a creative spark.
What Will People Think of You? That you have good taste in jersey colors.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? Much like Manchester United, it’s more of how much people will hate you, only this time, it’s the West Ham fans themselves. They don’t like change very much and won’t readily accept a new member to their ranks.
How Good Will They Be? Going for that upper-mid table finish, boiii.
Wolverhampton Wanderers– 2017/18 finish: 1st (in Championship)
Why Pick Wolverhampton? If you’re Portuguese, they literally acquired every non-Ronaldo Portuguese player to ever play this offseason. They’re also in the nice position of being a newly promoted team that could actually be pretty good, which means more money, which means better players, which means more money, and on and on it goes until they max out at a 6th place finish.
Best Player: I don’t know if he’s their best player or not, but Adama Traoré is awesome. Watch this highlight video:
What Will Other People Think of You? That you live in Brooklyn Seattle and love wearing knit hats 24/7.
How Much Do You Hate Yourself? A lot, only because you care about seeming smart to other people so badly that you picked the up-and-coming hipster team.
How Good Will They Be? They do reek of “too much, too fast,” but they could be a good team. Competitive, at the very least. They won’t be relegated for a while.
There you have it. All twenty teams. Do you have a better idea of who you like, now? You better, because I certainly don’t feel like doing this much work again. For the first few weekends, don’t be afraid to experiment. Watch a bunch of games, figure out what you like. Inevitably come back to the Big Six because who in their right mind would pick anyone else? The only thing that matters is that you’re joining an exclusive club. A group of people who wake up early on weekends, pick up a few breakfast sandwiches, turn on the tube and watch some EPL all morning before watching football all afternoon. Maybe only I do that, but you’ll like it, I promise. The Premier League is the most popular sports league in the world for a reason, and I’m glad you’ll be there to find out why.
BOSTON- At approximately 12:50 this morning, the New York Yankees, baseball’s most historic team (owner of 27 ringzzz, if you hadn’t had the pleasure of interacting with a member of the Yankees’ faithful before), were murdered in cold blood by the Boston Red Sox in front of over 37,000 witnesses. The trial is expected to be swift and efficient, as there is little doubt over the perpetrator or method. The Red Sox used a blunt object (believed to be a baseball bat) to cave the fragile skulls of the Bronx Bombers and left them to bleed out on the field. A gruesome sight, to be sure. Many fans are despondent over the loss of their team and have begged God for another chance, but the Almighty has responded, saying “those overdramatic idiots already used up their prayers on a three-week Aaron Judge DL stint, they’re not getting shit.” The Yankees leave behind superstar Aaron Judge and Joba Chamberlain 2.0 Gary Sanchez, who were spared the massacre by virtue of being on the disabled list, an odd bit of mercy displayed by the assailant. Not all is lost, however. Though the Yankees on the whole demonstrated an alarming amount of cowardice over the course of the murder, one player, Shane Robinson, had a fine final hour. According to Brian, of tiny independent website http://www.briansden69.com, Shane Robinson is now his most hated Major League Baseball player and that he “hopes that ugly-ass bald gnome has a good time trying his little heart out while rotting in hell,” and that “I thought the Little League World Series didn’t start until the end of the month.”
For their part, the culprits can now be considered serial killers, as they have murdered numerous baseball teams before turning their sights to their oldest rivals. They appear to be an unstoppable beast with an insatiable lust for blood. With the best lineup in the league and one of the best pitching staffs, they will continue to pile up victims if left unchecked. Chris Sale, Mookie Betts, and J.D. Martinez have amassed horrifying body counts and deserve to spend the rest of their lives in prison.
When reached out to for comment, Yankee manager Aaron Boone was surprised to hear of his team’s death, and “didn’t think anything was going wrong.”
They say millennials are killing Applebee’s and other casual dining chains. That we don’t go out to eat as much and our tastes are evolving. Well, Applebee’s just fired up the Bat-signal and I’m answering the call. Like a white knight riding into battle in the eleventh hour, this millennial is going to save Applebee’s.
How, you ask? Simple. In a desperate move to attract business, Applebee’s is offering all you can eat riblets and tenders for $12.99. They’re giving it away. They’re practically begging someone to come in and film a video of themselves testing the limits of the “all you can eat” policy. I’m not too proud to oblige them. So, to prove millennials still eat at Applebee’s, I’m going to Eat Good in my Neighborhood, and I’m going to eat a lot. Haven’t been to an Applebee’s since I left home (Applebee’s is a Rutland, Vermont delicacy), but next week I’m heading into Coach Taylor’s favorite dining establishment to see how many tenders I can eat (riblets are too hard to eat to truly binge). It will be captured on film, naturally. So start placing your bets before it’s too late. The early over/under has been set at 21.5, but it could change depending on the action. Get hyped, because I’m officially bringing Applebee’s Back.
Brian's Den 