Mike Greenberg: Welcome back to Radio City Music Hall, we’re just about to get this fourth annual Pokémon Football League draft underway, the first pick is just minutes away. Oh, hold on, I’m getting something in my ear. Yes, apparently it’s been seven years since the last one. I’m choosing to ignore this fact because it upsets me. Whatever, we’re here now, that’s all that matters. Before the first pick, let’s bring on our chief scout, Brian, to run down his top players.
Brian: Thanks, Mike, always loved you and Golic together, hopefully the blood feud isn’t too bad, these days. This is a really interesting draft class, before the year I thought it was weak, but a lot of guys got a lot better. This draft is absolutely loaded with offensive talent, and a lot of high risk, high reward players. Mike, I wouldn’t be surprised if multiple coaches and GMs got fired because of what happens tonight, but also if some cement their legacies.
Mike: Alright, before we get to the Big Board presented by Subway, let’s bring on Stephen A., Pat McAfee, and Kendrick Perkins for their thoughts.
Brian: Hey, Mike, is it cool if we don’t do that and I just give my picks? I think everyone would be happier this way.
Mike: Please, god, yes.
1. Ambipom (QB)
Jeff George wishes he had Ambipom’s arm talent. He can throw a ball through three brick walls lined up next to each other. Led the country in passing yards despite having a 4-8 record and his teammates all think he’s a huge bastard, but, unfortunately, the dweebs have taken over Pokémon football, too, so all that matters in player analysis is smugly defending your previously held beliefs nebulously found in “film study” and off platform throws. In my opinion, he is not a leader and will set whatever franchise takes him back ten years. But, the talent is so tantalizing, there’s no way he doesn’t go number one. Because if Ambipom grows up, if he has the right people around him, he will win MVPs and championships.
2. Infernape (QB)
Prototypical dual-threat QB. In most other classes, his rocket arm would stand out, but when the genetic lottery decides to give John Elway’s arm to a different monkey, it’s tough to stand out as much. Much more mobile than Ambipom, and his rushing ability should take over games at the next level. Lacks touch and control, but has enough talent where it doesn’t matter. Some say he’s a competitor, some say he’s a reckless hothead. Depends on your point of view. Very likely that five years from now, we’ll wonder why he wasn’t the consensus number one.
3. Arceus (TE/WR/RB/OLB/DE)
Tells you all you need to know about football when literal God is behind two QB prospects. Not much to say, here. Will walk in and dominate. It might be fair to ask if Arceus should even be eligible. You could certainly question why he waited until now to join the league. Maybe he’s benevolent enough to have waited until there’s enough talent to match him. Still, and I hope I don’t get struck down for questioning the divine, I think his technique needs work. In college, he’d lazily get off the ball and be in the backfield in a second. That won’t work when Blastoise fires off the line and drives him back ten yards before he even realizes the ball is snapped. That won’t work when Wailord sets his feet in pass pro. Similarly, his route running on offense needs sharpening. I trust him to figure it out, and I trust him to be All Pro every season.
4. Garchomp (OLB/DE)
The ideal 3-4 outside linebacker. Long arms, strong base, explosive get-off. Has a nose for the football, lives for strip sacks. Two-dimensional on defense, excels against the run and the pass. Easily the best non-deity defensive prospect, and, as the talent pool grows, the need for two way players lessens every year. Garchomp won’t need to flail around on offense pretending to be a tight end. A locker room and community leader. Slam dunk pick.
5. Lucario (WR/FS)
A fluid athlete, Lucario projects to be a top-line receiver at the next level. A route running technician, Lucario gets open with ease, and is a strong runner with the ball, often taking defenders by surprise with his powerful finishes. Good, not great vertical and speed, but football instincts make up for it. Better on the outside than in the slot, where his physicality produces some spectacular catches over defenders. Recently overcame a porn addiction by finding religion, and is now super anti-porn and in your face about it in a way that makes you really uncomfortable and not want to ever think about it again, which I guess is his main goal. He might just miss porn really badly. Either way, is a rigid locker room presence.
6. Bastiodon T/G/C
Dainty nerds need to stay away from this living embodiment of old school football. Bastiodon is so committed to protecting his backfield that a shield evolved onto his head, and he’s got a nasty disposition, to boot. Plug and play anywhere on the line. A road grating interior run blocker, an anchor on the outside, even cerebral enough to play center. A true can’t-miss pick, even if he lacks the top-tier athleticism that the best linemen in the league have. Not a sexy pick, but no team would say no.
7. Torterra T/DT
The highest upside lineman in the draft, conditioning is all that’s keeping Torterra from fulfilling his potential. Can’t sugarcoat it, he’s really slow. But, even with the extra weight, he can still be a menace on defense. Stonewalls the run, has an excellent knack for deflecting passes on the line. Has the tools to be just as good on the offensive side, just needs a patient coach and a disciplined personal chef. He was practically furniture at the Grass University McDonald’s, he was there so much. One of the only players outside the top five with true multiple-time-All-Pro potential.
8. Gabite CB/WR
The tallest man in Munchkinland. Gabite will greatly benefit from his draft class’s imbalance towards the offensive side of the ball. The only starting-caliber defensive back in the class. Still, he’s more than just competent. He’s a playmaker. While Dragon University’s old school cover one scheme left most of his teammates exposed and battered, Gabite stood strong. After the third week of the season, the man he was guarding saw less than one target per quarter, and he still managed to get six interceptions on the year. Unknown if he can hold up to more consistent action. Quick feet, fluid hips, great recovery speed, stubby arms. Should play a long time in the league, even if he never gets any accolades.
9. Heatran (DT)
Absolute bulldog. A menace on the interior, with lightning-quick hands and first step, with beastly strength to match. Poor conditioning and gap discipline his only weaknesses. Heatran gets overexcited when he sees the ball, and will always take the bait on play action. Bounced around the transfer portal and comes in older, potentially limiting his upside.
10. Weavile (RB/WR/SS)
The PFL is about four running back revolutions behind the NFL, and right now we like them (mostly because there still aren’t enough other good players). Quick-twitchy with explosive speed, Weavile creates big plays over and over again. If he gets to the second level you can’t touch him. Breaks ankles relentlessly. Good hands out of the backfield, and a great route runner for a running back, you can split him out wide to get him the ball on the outside. Useless in pass protection and injury prone.
11. Gallade (WR/FS/SS)
While some may see Gallade as a disappointment (he was the number one QB prospect in his high school class, but a bad shoulder injury and a deserved benching his freshman year killed his confidence), the fact that he ranks this high as such a raw prospect shows what kind of ability he has left in him. In his two years playing receiver, you could see his skills grow week to week, which, coupled with his still best-in-class athletic traits, is tantalizing. Even with the improvements, very unrefined. His routes improved greatly, but going from 0% to 60% still puts him at 60% of a pro’s ability. His mental health struggles were nurtured by the Psychic coaching staff, but the PFL locker rooms are a different beast. With his known confidence issues, a few bad games against superior competition could break him. Or he could power through and fulfil his unlimited potential.
12. Buizel (WR/RB)
Another explosive offensive weapon. Led college ball in receiving yards and added in 400 rushing yards for good measure. Isn’t a stretch to call him a genius with the ball in his hands. He sees angles that don’t exist, he finds space out of thin air, he seemingly telepathically manipulates his blockers into perfect position. Greatest athletic feature might be his ability to stop and start faster than you can blink. Small frame worries scouts, and tested surprisingly poorly at his pro day. Served a six-game suspension for gambling his sophomore year, but most people around the Water facility say he’s a great kid and has grown from the mistake. Will be the number one buzzy rookie in fantasy drafts.
13. Dialga (OLB/DE)
A versatile outside defender, Dialga’s size is a strength and a weakness. He can easily set the edge and overpower opponents, but all that extra weight slows him down, too. Not particularly explosive athletically, but his excellent technique masks it. A steady player who will maximize their talent. Has the ability to be a consistent double-digit sack guy.
14. Rampardos (DE)
Mike Greenberg: Sorry, Brian, I have to cut in here, we’re going to throw this segment over to the 2020 NFL Draft ABC Broadcast to hear from Chris Connelly about Rampardos’s amazing story. Chris?
Chris Connelly: Thanks, Mike. (Soft piano music starts) Not many people have had quite as hard a life as Rampardos has, and even fewer have come out the better for it. His mother died in childbirth and his father died of a drug overdose when he was just three years old. His grandparents were already dead, and he went to live his his aunt, but after two years a car accident left her a paraplegic. With no other living family, Rampardos went into foster care, where he bounced around from home to home, until finally landing with the Herskowitz family. While Mr. Herskowitz beat Rampardos daily and relentlessly, he was also the football coach, and knew he could ride his adopted son’s natural ability to a nice payday. Once he found football, Rampardos thrived. Replacing proper, professional therapy with violence, football helped Rampardos grow into the moody, standoffish, immature cretin we know today. It’s really a triumph of the human spirit, Mike.
Mike: Thanks, Chris, what an amazing story. Boy, this kid sure can hit hard, whether you’re a quarterback, his [REDACTED], or [REDACTED]. He’s got a great future in this league. Brian, back to you.
15. Empoleon (G/DT)
The growing tradition of Water University producing great line prospects continues. Empoleon is the best true guard in the draft. Ridiculously quick feet for a big man. Flawless technique. Better run blocker than pass blocker, but doesn’t struggle by any means. Will be an easy starter right away, and has the perfect mentality to be in the league for a long time. If he was big enough to play tackle, he’d be a top-ten pick.
16. Porygon-Z (QB)
The final member of the Porygon football family is the best of them, but you wouldn’t know it looking at the numbers. After all, he was buried behind Ambipom on the depth chart. Somewhere between a total project and a calculated risk, PZ (that’s what his teammates called him) has the tools, just no experience. While his brothers were system players who put up good stats in Normal U’s up-tempo, pass-happy scheme, PZ has real, translatable tools. Big arm, can move, but he thinks a lot and doesn’t make quick reads. He could just be a workout warrior with viral TikToks of him hitting bottle caps off with a football and a waste of a pick. But, he could also make someone look like a genius.
17. Palkia (TE/DT/DE)
Statuesque in every sense of the word. Has all the size in the world, but just can’t move. Will probably be the slowest player in the league who actually sees the field outside of the Pokémon literally made of rocks. If I can editorialize here, Palkia is going to be a bust. I’m positive. But the size is so tantalizing. You can’t teach it. He can maul people. If he somehow gets open long enough to catch the ball, he’s a bear to bring down. You’ve got to double-team him if you run the ball near him. But the solution is always just to run the play the other way. He can’t do anything about it. Can probably be a good red zone threat, and will catch enough TDs that fantasy players will start to think he’s good.
18. Monferno (WR/RB/CB)
This is where the draft gets fun. Once you get past the big names and high pedigrees, there is so much intriguing talent, Monferno the chief example. The best hands in the draft, sterling footwork, and tough as nails, Monferno led the country in catches last year as the only receiving threat for Infernape. He can feast as a slot receiver at the next level. If he’s matched up against safeties, or, god forbid, linebackers, he’ll make them look silly. Despite these glowing reviews, you really can’t be taking a tiny slot receiver too highly. Will outperform his draft slot.
19. Electivire (TE/DE)
A true project, Electivire has only been playing football for two years. A basketball star until he reached a level where being a 6’4″ center wouldn’t cut it, Electivire has freak athleticism. He’s just so raw. His blocking technique is non-existent, so in his case, tight end is just another word for big receiver. Since he’s so unrefined, has a tendency to completely rely on his physicality, which works in lower levels, but not the pros. You don’t take Electivire expecting a day one All Pro. You teach, you develop, you live with the mistakes and sloppy technique for the momentary flashes of brilliance and hope that those moments get longer and longer.
20. Yanmega (WR/S)
Most associate bug receivers with shifty quickness, but Yanmega is pure, straight line speed. The top 40 time at the combine. He’s a long, rangy athlete who will get behind defenses with ease and also cover a lot of grass as a safety. So, what’s the catch? His hands are pretty poor and he struggles with changing direction. Avoids contact as a ballcarrier and would much rather play coverage than come up and hit people. In other words, he’s a softy. Pretty hard to coach that out of someone. Still, he’ll make some spectacular plays. Just probably not in big moments.
21. Munchlax (DT/C)
Munchlax should be much higher on this list. Unfortunately, he’s just got no desire. He has freakish strength, quick feet, all the natural ability in the world, and yet, he’s down in the 20s and will probably drop even farther. The stories coming out of the Normal locker room are as unflattering as you can get. Forget taking a nap during film study, Munchlax was bingeing Family Guy on his iPad. And not even the old glory years when Seth MacFarlane was still writing, either. The new stuff. He knew all the dining hall staff by name and would set up shop there for hours at a time, sampling all the Sysco-distributed delicacies. Actively got worse as a player in four years. It’s a shame, really. I suppose there’s a chance he could turn it around, but looks like a classic case of wasted talent.
22. Rhyperior (G/C/DT)
Pretty standard B-tier interior line prospect. Great strength, solid technique, poor conditioning. Might not be a day one starter, but won’t take long to get up to speed. Is best suited to a power running scheme where he can start pulling and decleating unsuspecting defensive players. Not as quick as Rhydon but stronger and smarter. Won’t get fans excited but is a good addition to any team.
23. Dusknoir (TE/DE)
There’s a lot to like here if you need a playmaking tight end. Dusknoir has an absurd catch radius and massive hands. Throw it anywhere near him and he’ll get it. Great with the ball in his hands, a rarity for such a big guy. He’s just not an explosive athlete. He’s slow and not as strong as he looks, a deadly combination. Until his body gets up to speed, he might have trouble getting off the line and getting open in time. Also, slight off-the-field concerns: he’s older, having spent two years on a religious mission, and rumors are that it did not go well. You can find any amount of baseless speculation over what happened to Dusknoir in Cambodia, and, odds are, nothing will ever come of it. Just something to be aware of. You know, just in case. I mean, I have an airtight alibi for August 23rd, 2023, and I have no knowledge of magic circles, séances, or ritual blades. Do you? Better think twice before casting too many aspersions Dusknoir’s way.
24. Regigigas (T)
The haters will say this ranking is outrageous and that I only put Regigigas so low to drive engagement. While I won’t complain if that happens, the honest truth is I didn’t know what to do with him. It’s undeniable that he’s a dominant player. In a vacuum, he’s a franchise cornerstone, a staple on year-end All-Star teams. But the fact is he doesn’t play. The ultimate definition of “it’s always something.” Freshman year, torn shoulder, okay, sucks, but is what it is. Sophomore year, gout sidelines him for five games. Unexpected, but no one likes gout. Junior year, suspended two games for violating team rules then misses three games with trench foot then is out for the year when he breaks his forearm. Senior year, he starts the first two games, but leaves early in the second with a finger injury and then misses the rest of the season when he somehow contracts African sleeping sickness. He’s shown a remarkable ability to bounce back, but I don’t know how you can really rely on him. Hopefully, it’s just been a string of bad luck and he’ll have an injury-free career and walk into the Hall of Fame. Just use caution.
25. Luxray (RB/OLB)
A true power back. Old-school runner whose main goal is to run you over on his way to paydirt. Not particularly explosive, but not plodding, either. Could easily be the big half of a fun small guy-big guy backfield duo. Very good receiver out of the backfield and reliable third down safety valve. If his coaches decide to focus more on defense with him, actually has potential to be a pretty solid pass rusher. Has a reputation for being uncoachable and hard-headed. Very prickly personality and is way too in-your-face with religious stuff. Not a criminal, or anything, but not a fun guy to be around.
26. Carnivine (CB/S)
Mike: Alright, we’re gonna kick it back over to Chris Connelly and the guys at the 2020 ABC broadcast desk. Chris, what can you tell us about Carnivine?
Chris: Mike, Carnivine wasn’t supposed to be here. And I don’t mean that in a cliche way, like he was counted out. His birth parents left him on the side of the highway as a baby, and he was picked up by a passing trucker, none other than Sean Patrick Goble, the Interstate Killer. Before he could add the helpless baby Carnivine to his long list of victims, he fell asleep at the wheel and veered into traffic, almost hitting another car. The two drivers got out to talk, and when the other driver noticed baby Carnivine and asked about him, the serial killer decided to cut bait and hand it over, since they were a young couple who were unable to have children of their own. From that point, Carnivine was raised with love and lived a normal life. They supported his football playing career fully since his adoptive mother ran a successful skincare company.
Mike: That’s it? No string of tragic deaths? No disease, no accidents?
Chris: No, certainly no more than a normal person this age would experience. He grew up in a nice area, did well in school, has a good social circle. Odds are, when his playing career is over, he’ll find a positive way to contribute to society.
Mike: What the hell, Chris? You’re supposed to make the audience depressed, not give them thirty seconds of excitement and then nothing.
Chris: Mike, to be honest, I can’t do this sappy stuff anymore. Ever since I did that My Wish video with Todd Helton, my life has been going downhill. I’ll never be able to capture anything that pure and inspiring again. And this whole act we’re doing, treating every prospect like some heroic figure just because someone they knew had pneumonia, it’s insulting. To me and the audience. I can’t do it. I don’t know if this was just a missive sent out by the league to make people forget about the concussions, or the domestic violence, or the steroid use, or the logical fallacy of a professional sports league being in bed with gambling companies, or whatever Tyreek Hill did last week, or the epidemic of guys addicted to forcing masseuses to give happy endings, or the fact that the officiating gets worse every yea-
Mike: Oh, you hate to see that. Looks like Goodell’s snipers finally found Chris Connelly and put him out of his misery. Can’t disrespect the shield, Chris. Can’t do it. We’ll be back after this message from our sponsors. Don’t go anywhere, though, because after the break, Kendrick Perkins will tell you why Mewtwo actually didn’t deserve last year’s MVP award.
(Shoutout to the ten people who remember the 2020 ABC NFL Draft broadcast. Everyone else, thanks for being here.)
27. Magmortar (G/DT)
A decent enough player, but in between his junior and senior seasons, went vegan and lost a ton of weight, ignoring the fact that his weight is what helped him move people. Still serviceable. His family runs a rubber band factory, and there’s always a chance he’ll bail on football to join.
28. Probopass (MLB/FB)
If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day
‘Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then
Again, I would spend them with you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with
If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with
Oh, sorry. You’ve caught me wistfully remembering the days when middle linebackers used to be 280 lbs of immobile bricks that would lay waste to anyone who went over the middle but were completely incapable of going more than ten yards in any play. What a time. Probopass belongs in that time, not this current era where real athletes are playing the position. Still, he’s the only guy in the whole class who plays MLB, so he’ll get picked.
29. Abomasnow (DT/DE)
While it’s better than the reverse, Abomasnow simply cannot play in the heat. He will melt and die. In the playoffs, he’s great. But you can’t spend a lot of draft capital on a guy who you know won’t play for half the season.
30. Gliscor (WR/RB/CB)
Looks the part and has solid measurables, but no production whatsoever. Hard to take a prospect too seriously when their greatest accomplishment in life is beating the final boss in Shadow of the Erdtree before the patch that made it a lot easier. Oh, wait, sorry, that’s me. What’s that? You want to hear about it? I thought you’d never ask. I got PS5 late, so I was still in the middle of my first Elden Ring playthrough when the DLC came out, but I got to it shortly after launch. My character was a DEX-INT build, but really just dual-wielding katanas (Moonveil and the base one with an ice infusion. Yes, I used bleed, so sue me). First time through these games I can’t do magic, I need to just get in the mix with physical attacks. But, of course, your build doesn’t matter in the DLC because they start giving larval tears away like candy so you can change your build like fifty times, which I did when a lot of the areas completely dominated me. Eventually, I had a stable of three weapons/builds I liked, dual-wielding the sleep swords was the most fun but also the jankiest, Death Knight’s Twin Axes were sweet, dragonscale great katana for EZ dragon cheese, and the light greatswords were what I spent the most time with. I made it through the DLC, only hitting a few snags. Rellana stonewalled me for a day or two before I beat her, Midra kept owning me even though in my head I was thinking the whole time that he wasn’t that hard, I took a break doing other stuff then came back and broke his back so fast that I skipped the atom bomb attack he does halfway through (the haunted forest was my favorite area, btw), and, of course, the WOAT, Commander Gaius. I wish I could say I killed this bastard before they “nerfed” him, even though I contest that it wasn’t a true nerfing since all his attacks were still bogus, they just adjusted his starting position. The first time you enter his arena, he’s way at the other side and dramatically charges at you. In subsequent attempts, they made him start like five feet from the entrance and instantly go into his broken charge attack that you couldn’t dodge, so you were just starting the fight at 40% health. Once they moved him back, it only took me two tries. He was the only boss in the game, DLC or proper, that I actually didn’t think I’d ever beat. Also, yes, I immediately went through the region getting as many Scadutree fragments as possible and was technically over-leveled, but you can’t be over-leveled in the DLC since it just scales with you. Messmer was the coolest fight and it only took like a hundred tries to kill him. Then the big gank fight before the final boss was annoying, but I powered through. I got so good at the final boss’s (won’t spoil the identity even though I know no one cares) first phase, you would have thought I designed the game. I could recognize which attack was coming based on his feet, except the stupid quick cross slash, which annoyed me until I saw a YouTuber break down that it was physically impossible to consistently dodge it and I felt better about myself since I could just shift the blame away from my poor play. And I should come clean and confess I was using the Bloodfiend’s Arm version 1.0, a truly, truly busted weapon, but I’m not ashamed since the boss doesn’t fight fair, either. Second phase was just preposterous, the residual light damage after every swing was demoralizing. But, eventually, I did it. Or rather, my mimic tear did it, but he died right at the end and I got the last hit in, so I can say I got the kill. And it felt great. Anyway, yeah, Gliscor, don’t draft him unless you really need depth.
31. Giratina (DE/TE)
There are a lot of character concerns in this draft class, but even Rampardos looks like a saint compared to Giratina. He’s Satan. He has killed. He will kill again. But he’s really good at football. The ultimate Hail Mary for desperate, bad football teams, Giratina will destroy your locker room, perhaps literally. If he’s drafted, he’ll probably start his career suspended. I feel a little guilty wasting a slot like this since there is still talent left, but I can’t shake the feeling that someone is going to watch a highlight compilation and take the plunge. That person will wind up fired. Or dead.
32. Leafeon (RB)
Good value receiving back. Winning player who will accept a lesser role but can step up if needed.
Next Five:
Darkrai (WR/CB), Chimchar (RB/CB), Staraptor (SS), Cranidos (OLB/CB), Floatzel (TE)
Coaching Prospects:
Honchkrow, Magnezone, Vespiquen, Togekiss, Bidoof, really stacked coaching class. These are the minds that will take the game forward.
Cheerleader:
Roserade
I don’t want to think about Pokémon this way:
Lopunny
Also mass murderers but not good enough to make the league:
Drifloon, Driflim
Brian's Den 