Sports – Page 17 – Brian's Den

NFL Week 17 Picks

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I find myself saying this a lot, but there really is no better time of year than NFL Playoff Clinching Scenarios Season. This year feels tame by typical standards, but the years where no one without a doctorate in mathematics can figure out who’s in and who’s out are always amazing. Are the Titans in? Well, not only do they have to win, there has to be a waning crescent moon and Jupiter and Mars must be in perfect alignment. What about the Ravens? They have to win, everyone else has to lose, and if it isn’t an El Nino year, forget about it. The Bills? Believe me, it’s better if you don’t know. The other great part about this time of year? No one cares anymore. By my count, only 12 teams can gain anything by winning (13 if you include the Browns). That means 62.5% of the league is jockeying for draft position, planning vacations, getting ready to fire coaches, padding stats, and trying not to get hurt. Makes for some great, competitive games! Gonna be a good week, I can feel it.

These picks and all remaining picks until the Super Bowl will be made in the memory of my cat, Sundae. We got her when I was in 7th or 8th grade, and we had to put her down on Wednesday. I know people usually care way more about dogs than cats, but Sundae was an important part of my life; one of my best friends and one of the original fans of the Brian’s Den. She was real sick, so I know she’s in a better place now, but she’ll still be missed. No one was better at picking games than her, and I will do all I can to live up to her memory. On to the games.

Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions (-7)

Did you know Blake Martinez leads the league in tackles? It really doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things (the majority of individual defensive stats don’t), but just something to tuck away. Both coaches should be fired after this game, but somehow Mike McCarthy will hang on again.

Pick: Packers +7

Chicago Bears at Minnesota Vikings (-11)

Another fun fact: the Super Bowl is in Minnesota this year. And the Vikings are in the playoffs. Crazy, I know. Bet you haven’t heard that be brought up this year.

Pick: Vikings -11

Dallas Cowboys (-3) at Philadelphia Eagles

Folks, I have some bad news: Nick Foles is not, in fact, as good as Carson Wentz. RIP Eagles.

Pick: Eagles +3

Washington Redskins (-3) at New York Giants

Literally the only interesting thing that could happen in this game is a brawl on the Giants’ sideline after Eli Apple comes down from the crowd like he’s Roman Reigns.

Pick: Redskins -3

New York Jets at New England Patriots (-15)

I’d say the Jets could probably cover, but that would mean they’d actually score a point. Surprise, surprise, Pats get homefield.

Pick: Pats -15

Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers (-10.5)

I haven’t felt this good about a game all year: I’m all in on the Browns. Steelers have a bye secured and could theoretically get homefield if the Pats lose. As we just covered, the Pats are playing the Jets. Everyone, including the Steelers, knows the Pats will win. The Steelers are just going to want to get this game over with and escape with no injuries. They won’t care whatsoever. The Browns, on the other hand, care very much. No one wants to be the second 0-16 team. The first time was funny, sure, but the second time doesn’t make anyone happy. Don’t be surprised if Jon Kitna and Dan Orlovsky take Big Ben out in the locker room before the game to ensure their record is safe.

Pick: Browns +10.5

Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts (-4)

Please go scoreless so they never cut to this game on RedZone.

Pick: Texans +4

Buffalo Bills (-3) at Miami Dolphins

To make things simple: If the Bills win and Ravens lose, they’re in. If they hadn’t started Nathan Peterman, odds are they would have already clinched. Gotta love NFL coaching! Yet another fun fact: there have been three seasons in NFL history where a player caught at least 100 passes and had less than 1,000 yards, with all of those players playing primarily in the backfield (shoutout Larry Centers for catching 100 passes as a fullback). Unless he has at least 105 yards on Sunday, Jarvis Landry will become the fourth player and first wide receiver to ever do it. Someone get him out of Miami.

Pick: Dolphins +3

Arizona Cardinals at Seattle Seahawks (-9.5)

If you don’t see this shocking Cardinals win as the Seahawks implode on the sideline and try to fight everyone as their season and current run go down in flames, I don’t know what to tell you.

Pick: Cardinals +9.5

Kansas City Chiefs at Denver Brocos (-3)

If none of the Chiefs big names play, this could be the most boring game ever played.

Pick: Broncos -3

San Francisco 49ers (-3.5) at Los Angeles Rams

There’s no stopping Jimmy G. I assume the Rams will realize this early on and will proceed to quit. That’s what I’d do if I had to face the second greatest QB in league history.

Pick: 49ers -3.5

Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens (-10)

If the Ravens win, they’re in. If they lose, things get dicey but odds are they’ll still be in. As much as I’d love it if they missed the playoffs, the Bengals haven’t won a game like this since Nam.

Pick: Ravens -10

New Orleans Saints (-7) at Tampa Bay Bucs

Saints win the division if they win, and friends, let me tell you something: the Bucs STINK.

Pick: Saints -7

Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons (-4)

Wait, a game where both teams are actually playing for something? What the hell? Panthers are already in, but would win the division with a win and a Saints loss. Falcons would be in with a win or a Seahawks loss. It would be the perfect Falcons scenario if they made the playoffs, won their Wild Card game, maybe even made the NFC Championship game, only to lose in the most heartbreaking fashion imaginable.

Pick: Falcons -4

Oakland Raiders at Los Angeles Chargers (-8)

The Chargers need to win and have both the Titans and Bills lose, which, quite frankly, seems entirely possible. Raiders are so bad but will probably be a popular pick to bounce back next season.

Pick: Raiders +8

Jacksonville Jaguars at Tennessee Titans (-3)

I really hope the Jags don’t punt on this game, because the Titans should not be in the playoffs under any circumstances. They’re just so bad and so boring and have a 0% chance of winning a game. Which means they’ll be playing the Pats in the second round.

Pick: Titans -3

Bonus Bowl Picks

USC +9 vs Ohio State
Washington vs Penn State -3
Wisconsin -4.5 vs Miami (FL)
UCF +10 vs Auburn
LSU -3 vs Notre Dame
Georgia vs Oklahoma +2
Alabama -3 vs Clemson

Happy One Year Anniversary to Me

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Wow. As of today, it’s officially been a full year since I started The Brian’s Den. I know, I know. Congratulations to me and all that. Hard to believe it’s been 365 days since, a day after George Michael’s death, I decided to start this website. There’s been a lot of ups and a couple downs, but hopefully it was never boring. The world takeover hasn’t quite happened yet, but I still appreciate everyone who comes here to waste a few minutes every day. You’re all part of the the most exclusive club in the world, so don’t be afraid to puff out your chest a little bit and act like you’re better than everyone. You read the most educational website in the world, after all.

Now, were I a true professional, I’d have something special planned for my one year anniversary. Unfortunately, I’m not, so I don’t. So instead of forcing some content to materialize that undoubtedly won’t be good, I figured I’d just run back some posts that I know are good. That’s right, it’s the Official Brian’s Den clip show!

The Videos

Coors Field Concession Review

Denver Airport Conspiracy

Hot Dog Eating Contest

Episode 1 of my short lived cooking show (RIP)

How I Saved New York City

Can’t go too long without mentioning my (sort of) signature series, Burning Questions

Burning Questions Hub

The Food Takes

Which Fast Food Place Has the Worst Dressed Customers?

Fast Food Sauces Stink

Halloween Candy Power Ranking

Crab > Lobster

Why I Hate Lunch

The Grocery Store Rules

Best Pizza Chain

The Best #sports Talk

What’s up with JJ Redick’s tattoos?

The NBA’s Hidden Crime Syndicate

This is probably problematic but I still think it’s funny

Is Aaron Judge a True Yankee?

Pats Won the Super Bowl if you hadn’t heard

Entertainment News

Best Action Movie Characters

Stop Calling Die Hard a Christmas Movie

The Greatest Video Ever Made

Is The Weeknd a Virgin?

The Next Oscar Winner

The comprehensive list of Yu-Gi-Oh! takes

The Special Occasions

Christmas (including Hawaiian Christmas)

So, what’s your favorite post? Did it show up here? Or do I have so many good ones that I overlooked some? What was my worst one (trick question, of course)? Let me know what you liked and would like to see more of. It was a good year one, and hopefully year two will be a big one.

NFL Week 16 Picks

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the league,

NFL bettors were stumped and feeling fatigued;

Their bet slips were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Brian would soon be there;

The readers were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of Colts +14 danced in their heads;

As I climbed into my officially licensed NFL sheets,

I remember I had Vikings -9, what a treat!

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew with concern,

Wondering if Broncos +3.5 would give me heartburn.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,

Gave the luster of mid-day to the Falcons +6 below;

When, what to my wandering eyes should appear,

But Pats -13 and eight tiny reindeer,

With a big, handsome driver, proud as a lion,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Brian.

More rapid than Eagles -9 his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

“Now, Bears -6.5! Now, Lions -5! Now, Chargers -7!

“On Chiefs -10.5! On Niners +4.5! Jimmy G, oh good heavens!

“To the top of the window! To the top of the wall!

“Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves before Panthers -10 fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With a sleigh full of picks- and St. Brian too:

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I raised up my head to avoid getting a flag,

Down the chimney St. Brian came with his bag:

He was dressed in full pads, from his head to his toes,

A playcalling sheet in hand so he knows all the throws;

A bundle of winning picks was flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack:

His eyes- they were dull from all the concussions,

He launched head-first at receivers, what repercussions?

In thought, his mouth was scrunched up like a toad,

Then he exclaimed, “I like Rams -7, even on the road!”

I knew he loved hot dogs, so I put out a fresh batch,

As he ate one, he mumbled, “Man, was that a catch?”

He had a cherubic face, and a little round gut

That shook when he laughed at Browns scuttlebutt:

He was chubby yet ripped, a game-picking savant,

I’m still grateful for the time he gave Cowboys -5 to my aunt;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, he was totally zen,

And filled the stocking with picks; he loved Steelers -10.

Before flying back up the chimney, he gave me a note,

It said, “Take Giants +3.5, then buy yourself a new coat.”

He sprung to his sleigh, to his team, “play through the whistle!”

And away all they flew, like the down of a thistle:

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight-

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

BONUS BOWL PICKS

Temple vs Florida International +7
Central Michigan vs Wyoming +3.5
Texas Tech vs South Florida Over 66
Army vs San Diego State -7
Appalachian State vs Toledo -7

NFL Week 15 Picks

Denver Broncos versus the Indianapolis Colts

There was an NFL game on Thursday night. Honestly that’s more of a question than a statement. I watched exactly zero seconds of the Brocos-Colts game. I was braving the elements waiting outside in the bitter cold to get a good seat for The Last Jedi. Then, lost in my own Jedi training on the remote planet of Ahch-To, I ran out of time to make my picks on Friday. And there are games today, too! I feel as if I’ve failed you, my football padawans. A shame, I know.

I wouldn’t have watched the event the NFL is calling a football game, anyway, but at least I found a legitimate reason to avoid permanently scarring my retinas with Brock Osweiler coming in in relief. My only takeaway: the Broncos have good Color Rush helmets. They should go to those full time. That analysis is free, folks, but I may start charging for the juicier bits of NFL insight. On to the games.

Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions (-5)

This is the perfect Saturday afternoon NFL game. It’s two bad teams no one really cares about, it’s going to be cagey and un-exciting, no one will enjoy it, and no one will turn away. It’s gonna be great!

Pick: Lions -5

Los Angeles Chargers (-1) at Kansas City Chiefs

This is a rare meeting of the Week 1 Super Bowl Champions and the mid-season Under-the-Radar Super Bowl Champions. Savor it; these kind of heavy-hitting games don’t come around to often. Chargers are way better and are building so much obvious “No One Wants to Play These Guys in the Playoffs” buzz that it’s surely going to backfire on them in the first round.

Pick: Chargers -1

Green Bay Packers at Carolina Panthers (-3)

It’s not too late to get on the Packers train. I warned everyone about what was happening weeks ago, so you’ve had ample time to realize the Packers were going to make the playoffs. Panthers are a good team, but this is just a case of wrong place, wrong time. Rodgers end-of-the-regular-season magic cannot be contained.

Pick: Packers +3

Philadelphia Eagles (-7.5) at New York Giants

R.I.P. Carson Wentz. Hate to see a good player go down, but it only opens the door for the best kind of playoff run: one lead by a backup QB. Nick Foles has proven himself to be competent when he has good coaching, so I don’t think the Eagles will have a giant drop-off, but it’ll probably start off pretty ugly. Still don’t know if the Giants are trying again or not.

Pick: Giants +7.5

New York Jets at New Orleans Saints (-16)

Bryce Petty. On the road. In the SuperDome. Yikes.

Pick: Saints -16

Cincinnati Bengals at Minnesota Vikings (-11)

I’m calling it right now: Teddy Bridgewater stars week 17. I think this is when the pixie dust finally washes off Case Keenum and he turns back into a pumpkin, then next week he’ll get yanked. Search your heart. You know it’s true.

Pick: Bengals +11

Baltimore Ravens (-7) at Cleveland Browns

Embarrassing thing that happened to me last night- Since I was standing outside from 4-7pm waiting to get into the theater, I didn’t have time to eat. So, as I’ve done plenty of times before for similar showtimes, I decided to just get a large popcorn. Popcorn’s pretty much just air, right? No calories. Anyway, when I order, the cashier asks me if I want a drink. I said no because I have a very small bladder and I was not leaving the theater to pee in the middle of Star Wars. She gave me a mocking look and said “Okay” in the smuggest way possible. I thought nothing of it. That is until I had eaten about a pound of the saltiest popcorn ever produced by man. I was dying. I felt like I had been walking in the Sahara for three days with no water. So, I tucked my tail between my legs and went back to get a drink. Not wanting to trigger an “I told you so,” I went to a different cashier. Because I have no self-control, I finished the drink despite telling myself not to, and, by the end credits, I was ready to burst. I would rather do that exact scenario every day for the rest of my life than be a Browns fan.

Pick: Ravens -7

Arizona Cardinals at Washington Redskins (-4)

Can we just skip games where both teams have been eliminated from playoff contention and no one is chasing single-season records? I think it would help the state of the league a lot.

Pick: Redskins -4

Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars (-11)

Imagine if Deshaun Watson didn’t get hurt? Then this wouldn’t be a terrible game.

Pick: Jags -11

Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills (-3)

Unfortunately, it appears as though we may have seen the end of Nathan Peterman. A sad day, indeed. Adequate quarterback play wins yet again. Such a biased system. Let the bad QBs succeed for once! Hard to imagine the Dolphins will show up after they won the Super Bowl last week.

Pick: Bills -3

Los Angeles Rams at Seattle Seahawks (-2)

I still think the Rams are good, but don’t be surprised to hear some rumblings that they’re a fake news contender after this week. They’re in a really rough stretch of games that’s almost impossible to come out of unscathed, and you know getting in huge brawls and getting (rightly) called out for being the biggest bunch of babies in the league only fires up the Seahawks even more.

Pick: Seahawks -2

Tennessee Titans at San Francisco 49ers (-1.5)

Don’t look now, but the Niners are the hottest team in the league ever since Jimmy G took over. Might be time to sit him, coach! Don’t want to rack up too many wins before the draft. Titans continue to be really bad at playing football.

Pick: 49ers -1.5

New England Patriots (-3) at Pittsburgh Steelers

Let’s all say it together: Tom Brady’s clearly washed up. Bill Belichick has lost control of the locker room. Pats are done. The Steelers have so much more talent. It’d be an upset if they didn’t win the Super Bowl. This is finally the year the Steelers get over the hump.

Pick: Pats -3

Dallas Cowboys (-3) at Oakland Raiders

I just went to an alternate timeline where everything is 40 years behind, and 70s me is really pumped up for this game.

Pick: Cowboys -3

Atlanta Falcons (-6) at Tampa Bay Bucs

#stopshowingterribleteamsinprimetime2018

Pick: Falcons -6

Bonus Bowl Picks

North Texas +7 vs Troy
Oregon vs Boise State +7
Marshall vs Colorado State -4
Middle Tennessee State +3.5 vs Arkansas State
Akron +23 vs Florida Atlantic

The FBI Needs to Arrest Rob Manfred for Allowing the Giancarlo Stanton Trade to Happen

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Folks, I am currently both #triggered and #madonline. The reason? Well, it has something to do with yesterday’s catastrophic news that Giancarlo Stanton, National League MVP and Major League leader in home runs, was traded to the Yankees. Yes, the very same New York Yankees everyone knows and loves. The same Yankees that hit the most home runs in the league in a year where a league-wide record was set for most home runs. The same Yankees that somehow convinced the world that they were a bunch of loveable, plucky underdogs despite having the second highest payroll in the league and being the Yankees. I’m pretty sure Stanton was traded to the very same Yankees that the new Marlins owner played for once upon a time. After I saw the initial reports yesterday morning, I kept holding out hope that it wouldn’t happen. That someone would come out and say it was just a rumor or that the most perfect physical specimen in MLB history would somehow fail a physical. But of course I knew better. I wasn’t even mad in the moment. It was a bit nostalgic, honestly. It took me back to the days of pre-2004, pre-puberty me where I just accepted that everything would always break the Yankees’ way no matter what. As soon as I saw he was considering the Yankees I knew it was a done deal. We had already been given an unexpected gift when prize Japanese import Shohei Ohtani spurned the Yankees; there was no way they’d miss out on both of the big fish on the market. I was ready to just mope about it for a while, but now that the dust has settled and all the details are out I need some answers. This is some real shady shit, and the league should be embarrassed that they let it happen.

How are there not rules against this? Derek Jeter is a Yankee LEGEND. He is the Yankees. And you’re going to let him trade players to the Yankees within six months of him purchasing (with other people’s money) the Marlins? And for that? Starlin Castro and two nothing prospects is enough to get the best player in the National League? Are you kidding me? I mean, to be fair I was expecting it to be Jacoby Ellsbury and Chase Headley straight up, but I think I would have preferred that. At least then Jeter wouldn’t even be trying to hide the fact the he was gift-wrapping Stanton to his former team. Literally everything Jeter has done since he took over has had moving Stanton to the Yankees in mind. Firing everyone in the organization so that Stanton was unhappy and wanted to leave. Announcing Stanton was for sale without consulting him first, knowing only two or three teams in the league could take that contract and effectively removing any and all leverage the Marlins had, ensuring they could accept the first offer Stanton agreed to, regardless of how terrible it was. Convincing Stanton behind the scenes that the Red Sox were a terrible situation (true), the Cardinals and Giants sucked (true), and that the Dodgers “couldn’t afford it” (hmmmmm), thus leaving the Yankees as the only realistic landing spot (I may have made up this part but you know it’s true). It just makes me so pissed, because there’s a 0% chance any of these guys plays one game for the Marlins this year. They’re just going to flip Castro and probably get a lot more for him than they got for Stanton. Unless the Yankees want him back, then all it will take is a signed copy of John Sterling’s Greatest Hits. So disgusting.

I’m not even upset at the Yankees. If someone wants to accept you steaming pile of garbage of a trade offer, it’s not your fault. And, if I can put on my logically thinking Yankee H8tr hat on, I don’t really see how this helps them in the long run. Yes, they will now hit the most home runs in the league, something they haven’t done since the 2017 season. The top of this lineup is reminiscent of the Jeter-ARod-Giami-Sheffield-Matsui-Posada days, but those teams didn’t win shit. Quite the opposite, in fact. They literally have the worst loss in MLB history on their resume. The Yankees’ starting pitching is still bad, and, with the Yankees trying to cut cost and avoid the luxury tax, they can’t really afford to go out and buy another one. The history of these long, huge money deals going into a player’s 30s is pretty gruesome. Just look at Albert Pujols, whose prime was better than Stanton’s and was hardly ever hurt. With another four years left on his deal, he’s arguably the worst player in the league. Stanton’s hurt almost every year. I, for one, don’t see any issues there. Lastly, something Yankee fans have been saying for years is that they would sign Bryce Harper and Manny Machado just because they’re the Yankees. Well, next year is finally when both hit the open market. As we just established, the Yankees are trying to cut payroll. So you’re telling me they’re going to sign Machado and Harper to massive deals, keep paying Stanton $30 million a year, and then, with at least three mega-contracts on the books, sign Aaron Judge and Gary Sanchez when they hit arbitration or free agency? Ummmm, yeah, I don’t think so. Unless, of course, the Yankees decide to move on from Sanchez and/or Judge, which I think would cause riots in the streets of New York. This trade kind of screws up any long term plan they might have had. In fact, the more I think about it, the only thing I’m upset about is that one of my favorite players is now on the Yankees and that I might have to admit to myself that watching Judge and Stanton hit 600-bombs all year will be entertaining. Astros are still the best team in the league. That being said, if the Red Sox don’t sign J.D. Martinez I might be out on baseball for the next ten years.

NFL Week 14 Picks

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After yet another Thursday night game filled with injuries, I think it’s fair to ask: has Color Rush killed football? I know it’s sacrilege to suggest, but, as far as I know, no one has gotten hurt on a Sunday or Monday the whole season. Every single concussion and injury has happened on Thursday night. I guess the players just aren’t as tough as they used to be. In olden times, players could handle wearing Color Rush jerseys. They didn’t let the explosion of color trick their brains into thinking it was “concussed.” Such a shame how far this league has fallen. Used to be filled with proud men who could handle Color Rush. Now we’re just left with boys who’ve never worn an alternate jersey before in their life. SMH, man. SMH.

(Side note: Matt Ryan’s MVP just keeps getting funnier every week. Brady has one of the best seasons of all time, but since he does every year and people are tired of him they give it to someone else. Turns out Matt Ryan absolutely SUCKS, but as long as it’s not Brady, right? Can’t wait for Carson Wentz to win this year. When we look back on Brady’s career when he retires in 15 years, the fact that he only won 2 MVPs will be the most egregious error in sports history.)

Dallas Cowboys (-4) at New York Giants

If I know the NFL like I think I do, I’d wager the Giants are about to go on a late season winning streak now that they’re freed from the shackles of Ben McAdoo and totally screw themselves out of a good draft pick because football is dumb.

Pick: Giants +4

Green Bay Packers (-3.5) at Cleveland Browns

If I know the NFL like I think I do, I’d wager the Packers win this and somehow stay alive until Aaron Rodgers comes back and leads them to the NFC Championship Game.

Pick: Packers -3.5

San Francisco 49ers at Houston Texans (-3)

This game will finally answer the age old question: Who has better backups, Brady or Belichick? One of the most underrated part of the Pats run of dominance is how terrible every assistant becomes when they leave Bill’s warm embrace. Can he make anyone look like a good coach? Would Ben McAdoo look competent if he was under Belichick? Would Dan Quinn? Is there anyone stupid enough to hinder Belichick’s genius? Based on what we’ve seen from Bill O’Brien, I’m leaning no.

Pick: 49ers +3

Chicago Bears at Cincinnati Bengals (-6.5)

Not going to lie to you, folks. I have absolutely no interest in watching any of this game. Not saying I won’t watch it, just saying I don’t want to.

Pick: Bears +6.5

Minnesota Vikings (-3) at Carolina Panthers

I want to to close you eyes. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. Imagine yourself walking through a field of tall grass. You notice a tall tree nearby and decide to sit underneath. The ground underneath you is pleasantly soft and you let the shade cool you off. You hear birds chirping overhead. You are totally at peace. Suddenly, a bird lands on the ground next to you. Without warning, it squawks, in English for some reason, “Case Keenum is an MVP candidate.” Then you wake up.

Pick: Vikings -3

Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs (-4)

I don’t care how bad the Raiders are, the Chiefs should never be favored again. Like, as long as the franchise still exists, they shouldn’t be favored. What a disgrace they are. Remember when the Chiefs were going to the Super Bowl and the Pats were dead? Good times. Good times.

Pick: Raiders +4

Detroit Lions at Tampa Bay Bucs

No line yet because Matt Stafford might not play, which opens up the door for something I think we all really want: a full game of Jake Rudock! Legitimately might be the worst game of all time.

Pick: Bucs I guess

Indianapolis Colts at Buffalo Bills

No line yet because Tyrod Taylor might not play, which opens up the door for something I think we all really want: another game of Nathan Peterman! Legitimately might be the worst game of all time.

Pick: Bills if Tyrod plays, no one if he doesn’t

New York Jets (-1) at Denver Broncos

I’m going to admit something here that I’m not sure I ever would: I kind of love this Jets team. There’s just something about Josh McCown’s no-porn-watching ass that’s just really entertaining. He thrives in chaos. He thrives in the mud. He thrives when the other team has quit. If that doesn’t perfectly describe what this Jets-Broncos game is going to be I don’t know what does.

Pick: Jets -1

Washington Redskins at Los Angeles Chargers (-6)

Imagine if the Chargers actually won one of their first four games? Crazy that they’re clearly the best team in the division and started 0-4. I’m just glad the Redskins are essentially out out it, because when the Skins are irrelevant it’s time to fire up the name debate again. Is it time for the Redskins to distance themselves from Washington? You tell me.

Pick: Chargers -6

Tennessee Titans (-3) at Arizona Cardinals

Are the Titans going to win 11 games this year? Somehow, it’s looking like a yes. I have no idea how they keep winning. They aren’t good at anything. The only thing they’re good at is being less bad than their opponents. That’s all that really matters, I guess.

Pick: Titans -3

Seattle Seahawks at Jacksonville Jaguars (-3)

I really want to say that this is kind of where it all starts to fall apart for the Jags, but just thinking about the Seahawks offensive line coming to Sacksonville has me shaken up and I don’t have a dog in the fight. I know Russell Wilson is impossible to tackle, but not even he can escape four freakishly athletic huge guys at once every single play. First team to 9 wins.

Pick: Jags

Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Rams (-2)

Whoever loses can’t be a pleasant surprise anymore. Those are the rules. Eagles looked like booty last week offensively. They looked like booty defensively. And now they have to face a better team than they did last week? Especially now that the Rams get to be the Wildfire team? Take the under, but this one might get ugly.

Pick: Rams -2

Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers (-4.5)

I might be breaking some news to you here, but word on the street is that there’s no love lost between these two teams. Shocking, I know. Not only is 4.5 too many points for this rivalry, but I honestly don’t know how the Steelers get up for this game after what happened to Ryan Shazier. Really scary scene that’s going to be ingrained in their minds for a while.

Pick: Ravens +4.5

New England Patriots (-11.5) at Miami Dolphins

It’s honestly offensive to me that the Pats have to play the rest of these games. What’s the point? Who benefits from this? Just chalk it up as a win and everyone goes home happy and healthy.

Pick: Pats -11.5

BONUS COLLEGE PICK

Army vs Navy -3

Now That the Browns Have Fired Their GM, Is it Time for Me to Throw My Hat in the Ring?

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ESPN– The Cleveland Browns fired Sashi Brown, their executive vice president of football operations, on Thursday. Brown headed the personnel department for the past two years.

Head coach Hue Jackson will remain on the job and will return for the 2018 season, “but we feel it is necessary to take significant steps to strengthen our personnel department,” owner Jimmy Haslam said in a statement.

Other front-office members also are expected to be let go as the team reshapes its front office again, sources told ESPN.

First of all, R.I.P. to Sashi Brown’s career. When the Cleveland Browns think they can do better than you, that’s got to be a death blow. Also, how can you be fired from the Browns if your last name is Brown? Doesn’t seem right.

Anyway, now that the Browns are once again searching for leadership, it got me thinking that it might be time for me to step into the NFL front office world. I realize the Browns aren’t exactly the ideal starting point, but what better way to become a legend than turning the Browns into contenders? People may say that I have no qualifications or experience, and, though it’s true I haven’t actually worked for an NFL team before, I have a functioning brain, which is more than I can say for 99% of all NFL executives. The Browns also hired the guy Jonah Hill played in Moneyball to run the show, so the Browns saying I have no NFL qualifications would be pretty rich. I’ve played a lot, and I mean a lot, of Madden. I’ve done an infinite amount of fantasy drafts, so I know how roster construction works, and I passed fifth grade math, so I think I can figure out how to manipulate the salary cap in my favor. Lastly, as I’m sure you’re all aware, I’m an NFL expert. I don’t think I’ve gotten a single pick wrong this whole year. I know the league inside and out, and, again, I have a brain. I can fix the Browns. Matter of fact, I can take the Browns to the Super Bowl within five years. Actually, make that three. If the Browns hire me as GM, they’ll win the Super Bowl three years from now. How? Well, I’m glad you asked. I hereby present my simple fifteen-step plan to fix the Cleveland Browns.

Get a new coach. Hue Jackson stinks. The new coach would preferably be a good coach.
Make sure LeBron leaves this offseason. Cleveland isn’t a “three good teams” kind of city. Just to be safe I might ensure Francisco Lindor has a serious “accident” on the way to Spring Training.
Give Josh Gordon as much money as he wants to make sure he stays around forever.
Stop drafting bad players.
Draft good players.
Don’t sign bad players in free agency.
Scour other teams’ practice squads to find cheap, overlooked talent that will allow me to game the salary cap system by building the roster around minimum wage and rookie-deal players while paying huge money to good free agents, most of which will play offensive or defensive line and defensive back.
Take every “freak athlete but raw” project player that teams give up on after two years.
Unless they’re a key player, cut anyone with an adidas or Under Armour sponsorship. Nike pays the bills around here.
Build a new stadium (using tax player money, of course) as far away from Lake Erie as possible while still being able to claim to be in Cleveland. Too much bad history.
Go back to the uniforms from three years ago.
Call Calvin Johnson and give him 35% franchise ownership if he comes back.
Trade down from the number one pick so I can get more picks and draft Lamar Jackson.
Strongly encourage my coach to play a hyper-aggressive, never punt, go deep all game, all-or-nothing style that leads to blowouts when it goes well.
Profit.

That’s it. That’s my plan in a nutshell. If I’m given the freedom I need, Browns are Super Bowl champs in 2021 at the latest. Can’t wait to get into the Hall of Fame.

Are People Actually Upset That Ohio State Didn’t Make the Playoff?

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So the College Football Playoff foursome was announced yesterday, and, even though I’m sure you’ve heard every possible take about it, but I just had to throw my two cents out because, well, I’m very narcissistic and think you care about my opinion. Anyway, Clemson, Oklahoma, Georgia, and Alabama all made it, putting an end to the weeklong “Alabama or Ohio State?” debate that saw the good people of America be held hostage by two of the three worst college football fanbases (if only Penn State was in the mix, then it could have been the unholy trinity). Most reaction I’ve seen has been pretty measured and reasonable, but I’ve seen a couple thinkpieces that make me want to bang my head against the wall until I think like a retired NFL player. It’s baffling to me that anyone thinks Ohio State should have been in.

Listen, it’s obviously an imperfect system. Even though the playoff had been gathering momentum for years, when they introduced it three years ago it kind of felt rushed. Well, now that we’ve seen it works it’s time to do some tinkering. I’m not the first and won’t be the last to say expanding to 8 teams is necessary. The Power 5 conference champions then three at large teams, including any undefeated mid-major team. If this year’s playoff was Clemson-Oklahoma-Georgia-Alabama-Ohio State-USC-UCF-Wisconsin I think everyone would be happy. But only four teams make it, and it should be the four best teams. Period. Alabama is better than Ohio State. They just are. Yes, Ohio State is hot. But they also lost by 15 to Oklahoma, not the worst result ever, and by 31 to Iowa. 31!!!!! TO IOWA!!!! Iowa is terrible. They won one game after beating Ohio State. Outside Clemson’s bizarre loss to Syracuse it might be the single worst loss of the season by any team. Iowa has, what, five or six guys that’ll play in the NFL? Ohio State has five or six first round picks! They should have destroyed Iowa. They should have destroyed Wisconsin, but stopped trying after they went up 14-0. How can you look at this team and say “yeah, they’re definitely one of the best four. Have been all season?” Alabama was literally ranked ahead of them every single week. Alabama has more talent than everyone but Clemson. Did they struggle down the stretch? Sure. Did they have a brutal schedule? You betcha. Do they always get the benefit of the doubt? Yes, and for good reason. Would you be surprised if Alabama won the title? I wouldn’t. Honestly whoever wins the Sugar Bowl is winning the championship. Remember when Ohio State played Clemson last year? Clemson won 31-0. The B1G stinks. Ohio State played a soft-ass schedule and somehow lost two games. Alabama played a gauntlet of a schedule and only lost once. Pretty cut and dry, if you ask me. Yeah, Alabama didn’t make their conference championship game, but why should that really matter? Not playing that extra game didn’t turn them from the second best team in the country into the fifth. That’s asinine. They’re there because the deserve it, end of story. Now expand it to eight so we can debate who the ninth best team in the country is.

Also, for what it’s worth, USC is better than Ohio State and should have been getting the hype Ohio State got.

NFL Week 13 Picks

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I’m not usually one to talk about karma. For the most part, I think life just kind of happens. After all, my beloved Patriots are still the best team in the league. Sure, the Colts are dead after fabricating Deflategate, but the Ravens are somehow still relevant. Literally nothing bad ever happened to Peyton Manning after taking HGH and putting his genitals on a poor trainer’s forehead. Aaron Rodgers is generally viewed as a good guy (as long as you’re not his family), but he’s gotten seriously hurt multiple times. The universe just kind of does what it does, and I’m not sure how much control we have over it. But, the Redskins definitely had last night coming. You’re going to reject Color Rush? Are you kidding me? You have these beautiful golden threads

and you say thanks but no thanks? Listen, I’m on the record as pro-maroon/burgundy, but you can’t turn down Color Rush and expect not to feel some consequences. I’m glad they got blown out by a team that looked like it was dead in the water during the entirety of the Zeke suspension. Hope you guys are happy with yourselves. Anyway, decent group of games this week, but I’m sure it’ll just be a lot of blowouts, because thats what always happens.

San Francisco 49ers at Chicago Bears (-3)

Jimmy G, baby! Bears are dead, 49ers are about to catch fire behind the second best quarterback in AFC East history, this one is as cut and dry as it gets.

Pick: 49ers +3

Tampa Bay Bucs at Green Bay Packers (-2)

Can we just cancel the rest of the Packers’ schedule? And the Bucs’, for that matter? I think it would be beneficial to all parties involved. No? Alright, I guess we’ll just go ahead and play this game. Whatever. We’re getting pretty close to “it’s really cold down there on the field, let’s cut to Pam Oliver with a thermometer” season for northern teams. Gonna be great.

Pick: Packers -2

Denver Broncos (-1.5) at Miami Dolphins

Dear god, why?

Pick: Dolphins +1.5

Detroit Lions at Baltimore Ravens (-2.5)

Well, it’s just about that time. Ravens have looked like absolute trash offensively all year and have ridden their defense to six wins, which means somehow they’re about to finish the year at least 4-1 and make it to the AFC Championship Game. They’re the only AFC team that could possibly challenge the Pats, mostly because they always challenge the Pats. The Lions franchise just feels like it’s in total no-man’s-land right now. Might be time to blow it up.

Pick: Ravens -2.5

Minnesotta Vikings at Atlanta Falcons (-3)

I’m officially suspending my “never bet on the Falcons” stance, because, above all else, I’m no fool. The Falcons remembered they had one of the greatest offenses of all time last year, and I think they’re probably going to spend the rest of the regular season smashing teams. Vikings are good, but they’re just playing the Falcons at the wrong time. Unless it’s a close game in the fourth, then the Falcons will revert back to the Falcons we all know and love.

Pick: Falcons -3

Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars (-9.5)

I legitimately feel bad for what’s about to happen to Jacoby Brissett. He doesn’t deserve any of it.

Pick: Jags -9.5

Kansas City Chiefs (-3.5) at New York Jets

If I’ve learned anything this season, it’s that you don’t just waltz into MetLife Stadium when everyone’s wearing green and come out unscathed. Especially if you legitimately forgot how to play football. Chiefs suck so bad, but hey, they beat the Pats in week one! That’s all that matters, right?

Pick: Jets +3.5

Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans (-7)

Every year there’s a team that everyone knows sucks but winds up winning 10+ games and getting into the playoffs. With the Bengals vacating the crown and finally coming back to Earth, the Titans are clearly this year’s version. They stink. They stink out loud. But every team they face is somehow worse. Texans died a few weeks ago, but they still have enough to keep it close before losing on a last second field goal.

Pick: Texans +7

New England Patriots (-9) at Buffalo Bills

Pats. Next.

Pick: Pats -9

Cleveland Browns at Los Angeles Chargers (-14)

My favorite thing about every Browns game is that, at some point during the broadcast, the announce team invariably mentions how the Browns could have drafted every good player on the other team but failed to do so, pretty much regardless of who the Browns actually took. “Did you know the Browns could have had Shawne Merriman but took Braylon Edwards instead? What idiots!” “I heard the Browns could have taken Melvin Ingram, but took Trent Richardson instead. How foolish can you get?” “I saw that the Browns could have drafted LSU receiver Craig Davis but took Joe Thomas. Typical Browns!” Until the Browns win the Super Bowl (try saying that with a straight face), every decision they make will just be mocked no matter what. Poor, poor Browns. At least Josh Gordon is back for now.

Pick: Chargers -14

New York Giants at Oakland Raiders (-9)

RIP Eli Manning. Gone but not forgotten. While trying to wrap my head around the timing and reasons for this move, I realized that Ben McAdoo, one of the worst coaches I’ve ever seen, actually thinks the team has a better chance to win with Geno Smith at QB. They’re still trying to win! The NFL is so backwards. It would be in the Giants’ best interest to lose the rest of their games, fire everyone, and move forward. Instead, if the unthinkable happens and they catch lightning in a bottle with Geno or Davis Webb and win three or four more games, everyone gets excited, says “well, if everyone didn’t get hurt and we had Geno the whole time, who knows where we’d be,” then McAdoo comes back, they don’t draft a QB, and we do the same thing next year. So stupid. Someone give me a GM job so I can run circles around the rest of the league. Side note on Geno- the only NFL game I’ve actually been to was a Jets-Pats game on a Thursday night in the pouring rain. It was the worst game of all time. Literally the only memorable thing that happened was an Aaron Dobson TD on a fake field goal. It was Geno’s second career game, and, as a huge Geno guy when he was at West Virginia, a couple throws he made in the first half made my nether regions tingle with delight. But then he threw picks on three straight passes. Pretty much his career in a nutshell.

Pick: Raiders -9

Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints (-4.5)

Marshon Lattimore is back, which means the Saints are back. Feel like we’re due for another Cam Newton stinker, so I’m expecting a Saints blowout.

Pick: Saints -4.5

Los Angeles Rams (-7) at Arizona Cardinals

Are we in the middle of a Blaine Gabbert career renaissance? I’m all in. I’m anticipating some big numbers out of Yo Gabba Gabbert this week. Think 24-38 for 258, 2 tds, and a pick. About to be the most random hot streak since the month of time where Ersan Ilyasova was the best player in the NBA. #GabbertforMVP.

Pick: Rams -7

Philadelphia Eagles (-6) at Seattle Seahawks

I’m always wary when it comes to jumping on or off a team’s bandwagon when it’s at its peak. Jump off too soon and you’re just a hater who gets proved wrong. Jump on too late and you’re a frontrunner or mush. Right now, the Eagles’ bandwagon is a runaway freight train that can’t be slowed down by anything, most of all realistic expectations. Luckily for me, though, I was never on the Eagles’ bandwagon, so predicting their demise is pretty easy for me. I don’t like road favorites going to Seattle at night. I know the Seahawks stink and everyone’s hurt, but doesn’t this just kind of feel like the week it all starts to unravel a little bit for the Eagles? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a hater who’s going to be proved wrong, but I doubt it.

Pick: Seahawks +6

Pittsburgh Steelers (-6) at Cincinnati Bengals

The Steelers are to the Bengals what the Patriots are to the Steelers. In other words, the Bengals have a 0.0% chance of winning this game.

Pick: Steelers -6

Bonus College Picks

Memphis at UCF -7
TCU +7.5 vs. Oklahoma
Georgia vs Auburn -3
Ohio State vs Wisconsin +6
Miami -10 vs Clemson

Is Carmelo Anthony the Biggest Poison in the NBA?

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The Thunder stink. Everyone knows it, and anyone that watches them can only come away frustrated with their stagnant offense and waste of talent. They’re in the bottom third in the league in assists, field goal percentage, 3 point percentage, free throw percentage, and, to top it all off, lead the league in technicals. How is this happening? This team was supposed to challenge the Warriors, right? They added Paul George and #me7o. They already had the totally deserved, super legitimate MVP on the roster. They dumped a couple bums that weren’t contributing at all. How are they bad?

Is it because of Paul George? Probably not. He seems to be the only member of the Big 3 comfortable in his new role, and is at least shooting well from 3, something no OKC player has been able to say since Durant left. He seems to be a decent locker room guy (although he did break up the Pacers by sleeping with Roy Hibbert’s fiancee. People don’t forget, Paul) who people respect. I think we can pass the buck.

Is it because of Carmelo Anthony? In a word, yes. But not 100%. I’d say he’s at least 50% of the reason this year’s Thunder are terrible. He’s at least 50% of the reason why all of his teams are terrible. Absolutely no one knows how to take a dump in the Kool Aid faster than Melo. It’s really amazing how he can ruin any situation. Sure, prime Melo is one of the best pure scorers ever, but his true talent is his ability to sour locker rooms. The Knicks are somehow a fun team this year, and the only difference between this season and last season is Melo (and D-Rose, who is now contemplating retirement). The fact that he still carries himself as a true superstar (and the fact that anyone out there actually believes him) in 2017 is mind-numbing to me. He’s a worse version of Andrew Wiggins at this point, and the internet will gladly tell you Wiggins stinks. The NBA today is all about ball movement, player movement, creating space, and open shots. Guess how many of those boxes getting the ball at the elbow, jab stepping five or six times, dribbling the air out of the ball, and taking a contested 12-footer check off. If you answered zero, you’d be correct! The Thunder pass less than any other team (to be fair, they pretty much always do), and Melo’s iso fetish is a huge part of it. If he doesn’t have the ball, he’s pretty much just a statue, and asking him to move the ball is like trying to heard cats. Because of him, Westbrook isn’t even averaging 10 assists. Do you know how hard that is? No one has ever chased stats harder than Westbrook, and even he can get double digit assists passing to Melo. If he just embraced being a complimentary player and realized that no, you’re not, and never have been, better than Russell Westbrook, he could be a seriously good wingman. Everyone fantasized about Olympics Melo when he was traded to OKC, where he did this arcane, possibly mythical action known as the catch and shoot (I read about it in an ancient spellbook one time, so who can say if anyone ever actually accomplished it or not) and dominated. Just accept that you’re not that guy anymore, Melo. It’s less work and your scoring will probably go up. There’s no downside. Plus, people might, might, stop making fun of you for never leading your teams to anything. Who wouldn’t want that? Unless he’s just seriously self-loathing, which I can respect.

Of course, I did say Melo wasn’t entirely to blame. There’s this other guy on the team that ruins team chemistry and is averse to efficient offense. I’m speaking of course about Alex Abrines. Guy stinks! But they also have the biggest ballhog in the league in Russell Westbrook. I hate to be the guy who says I told you so (just kidding), but yeah, I told you so. In the wake of Kevin Durant’s departure, the Thunder decided that, instead of getting better or worse, they would just let Westbrook go on a giant revenge tour and instruct everyone on the roster that getting him triple doubles was all that mattered. And now they’re stuck with the results. Remember Steven Adams? After the 2015 Western Conference Finals, he looked like he could be a DeAndre Jordan type All Star. I haven’t heard his name since. I was really bummed out when Domantas Sabonis, who I loved in college, was a bust in the NBA. Welllllll, funny how he’s been really good this season on a supposedly barren Indiana team. Victor Oladipo was mocked mercilessly for sucking on OKC. He was left for dead. And now, away from the league MVP, the person who, above all else, was supposed to make everyone around him better, he’s finally putting it all together and capitalizing on his immense talent. So you’re telling me people get better when the leave the Thunder and get worse when they join? Hmmmm. Color me shocked that no one actually enjoys playing with a point guard with a 41% usage rate. Once you tell Westbrook to go full Westbrook, you can’t really expect him to dial it down now that he’s got shiny new teammates. Nothing can stop him from showing the world that he’s better than Durant. And his hero ball routine isn’t even working this year. Outside his rookie year, he’s never shot worse from the field. If he didn’t have the second highest turnover total of all time last year, his 4.7 TOs per game would be rightly seen as horrifying. He’s mysteriously shooting his worst percentage ever from the foul line. He still stinks from 3. He’s just a grossly inefficient player on a grossly inefficient team. It doesn’t help that Billy Donovan is just a patsy that lets Westbrook walk all over him rather than actually draw up real plays. On the surface it seems like the Thunder’s issues are easily fixed: just move around a little more and get more people involved. But when your team is built around Russell Westbrook and Carmelo Anthony, that’s a lot easier said than done.

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